tv The Daily Show Comedy Central January 23, 2018 1:35am-2:05am PST
i'll talk to her. you should at least talk to...roy. i mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling. yeah. okay, maybe. are we early? hey, no. you know, people have been filtering in and out. hey. evan, this is jim. how are ya? hey, arnie risman. michael, jim. hey, arnie, how you doing? you guys work together? no, we used to. yeah. now, we're friends. best friends. some people need dozens of friends to say, hey, look at me, i'm popular. but not me. i'm very picky. i need three. maybe two? when you meet that someone special, you'll just know. because a real relationship... can't be forced. it should just come about effortledlessly. now, would you do me the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir?
ha ha ha ha. ha ha ha ha ha! whoa. what are all those stains? blood, urine, or semen. oh, god, i hope it's urine. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much! thank you so much, everybody! and welcome to "the daily show"! thank you for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight is going to be exciting, author of "fire and fury," the book that's so huge even president trump has heard of it! michael wolff is joining us, everyone! ( cheers and applause ) but first -- but first, if this weekend's news was a drink, it would be a long island iced tea.
a thousand things going on at once and still hitting you hard monday. the government shut down, unshut down, the women's march, the march for life, and we'll get into all of that. first, let's kick off with something light. you guys like tom brady? ( cheers and applause ) to be honest, he doesn't care what you think because either way he's headed back to the super bowl. >> the super schaudown, tom brady taking to the game for the eighth time in his career. >> the philadelphia eagles will take on the new england patriots! >> trevor: wow! patriots versus the eagles, that's the most american-sounding game ever! ( laughter ) if only way it could be more american if both teamed up to beat the redskins. ( audience reacts ) oh! i take your ooh! and put it in my jar! thank you! ( laughter ) so this is now the third time in
four years that tom brady is going to the super bowl. he's at the super bowl so often he leaves a toothbrush there -- he's, like, 'cause you know i'm coming back. ( laughter ) eagles fans haven't been to the super bowl in 13 years which is why their fans were celebrating a little too hard. >> eagles fans got a little overzealous celebrating their first trip to the super bowl in 13 years. one fan knocked himself out by trying to catch a subway by running right into a pole. >> trevor: oh! after that, the n.f.l. was, like, you're good, do it again, go chase another train! i think i need to get checked out. no, no, you're fine. that was rough. filly fans were probably like, yo, that pole is messing with jeremy, get him! ( laughter ) the government shutdown is officially over.
oh, also, there was a government shutdown. by the time we processed the fact the government was shut down they had shut down the shutdown. one day news will be so fast trump will start a war with another country and then before troops are deployed, the war will be done. did you see the war over the weekend? no, i missed it. who won? tom brady, that's who won. ( laughter ) ( applause ) let's try to understand what just happened. it all started friday at midnight, while you were just getting to the club, the federal government was blacking out. >> negotiations underway to avert a government shutdown. >> when the clock strikes midnight in washington the government of this country will run out of money. >> a 60-vote majority is needed in the senate to pass the proposed short-term spending bill that republicans passed in the house. more than a dozen democrats are ready to vote no because the
bill does not protect dreamers. >> breaking news, the federal government has shut down! >> trevor: that sounded so serious, i wish orrin hatch was here to take off his imaginary glasses. it has shut down -- it has shut down -- ( laughter ) a shutdown is basically what happens when congress can't agree to fund the government, the government runs out of money, which forces the closing of all nonessential operations. government workers sent home. military personnel kept working without pay and the fcc stopped censoring anything on tv which is why the last episode of "this is us" had the giant orangey scene. jack had sex with himself from the past and -- it was beautiful! it was beautiful. ( laughter ) so democrats and republicans couldn't agree on what they call a continuing resolution, to keep the government funded. democrats wanted to include a provision to let dreamers stay in the united states. republicans were, like, no let's
pass a clean bill that forms a catapult to send them out. sounds like a fun way to get deported, bye-bye! ( laughter ) after failed negotiations, lawmakers left the capitol unsatisfied like a salad night at paula deen's house. no one more upset than the toddler-in-chief because the shutdown ruined his one-year birthday party. >> president trump holed up in the white house at this hour when he thought he would be in a big party for himself at mar-a-lago in palm beach celebrating his first term. >> the party will go on as planned. eric trump and donald trump, jr. will go in their father's place. >> trevor: poor trump, not only did they cancel his party, he had to work on the weekend or at least pretend to work. >> the white house sending out this picture, take a look at it. they say it shows the president working the phones in the make america great again hat. >> trevor: hold up don lemon.
he wasn't working the phones. he just looks like a part-time model who's learning on the job. he can't even pretend work. he's looking right at the camera. you're not supposed to look at the camera. the photographer was pro bowl just, like, look over there. trump was, like, okay, okay, i'm ready, cheese! ( laughter ) because other vrpts could pretend work for the picture. like obama, he's, like, i'm working, i'm on the phone. bill clinton is, like, i'm on the phone, i'm on the phone. and george bush is, like, oh, there's a phone? ( laughter ) everyone's got it right. what's with that pose? what is that thing he's doing? it's like he doesn't know how to sit at apt's desk like he's half out of it. it's like he was on a tour of the white house and he snuck in. and he told them, quick, quick, take a picture! i'm the president! and the real president will be walking in going, hey, what are you doing there, kid? ahhh! ( laughter ) and, also, why is trump, like,
the only president who doesn't have his family pictures by his desk? ever notice that? behind him, he's the only president i've ever seen that. i wonder if his family walks in and they say, where is our photos? and he's, like, where is your electoral college victory, huh? which, which by the way, was the biggest ever. did i ever tell you about the time i won? ( laughter ) but donald trump isn't the only one the shutdown affected. real americans faced real consequences. >> the shutdown doesn't stop members of congress from using their exclusive gym. according to "the washington post" some members of the house reportedly complained there weren't enough towels stacked in the gym this morning, and even wondered aloud if it was because of the shutdown. >> trevor: not funny. ( laughter ) no, you laugh but it's not funny to people in congress. without towels, everyone at the gym had to see bernie sanders
naked. ( audience reacts ) and let's just say the carpet matches the drapes. ( audience reacts ) so whether that's because of bernie's naked ass or the threats of voter backlash, democrats and republicans reached a deal this afternoon to end the shutdown, and the deal was republicans would promise to hold the vote on immigration, and in exchange democrats would agree to keep the government open for three more weeks. yeah, three more weeks. which to me sounds pathetic. but i guess that's why i'll never make it in congress. >> today is the day to celebrate because we have shown that a determined group of senators working together across the aisle can result in positive action. in this case, the reopening of government. >> i want to say to the leadership of the senate, democrats and republicans, thank you.
thank you very much for demonstrating this bipartisan leadership that the country is crying out for. >> trevor: american lawmakers are priceless -- they want credit for fixing the thing they broke? and barely fixing it because the government will only be funded for three weeks, which is not normal. i don't care what anybody says. just having a government funded week to week, america is the richest country in the world and the government is basically out here paying rent week to week? america gets caught on the stairway by thelan the landlord, hey! yeah, i was going to get you, man! this will cover it for the next three weeks and don't cash it till friday. yeah. ( laughter ) you realize this is not normal. you don't hear of governments in the rest of the world just shutting down because they refused to fund themselves. where i come from, if the government shuts down, it's because the rebels have taken over, then the president is, like, okay, the government is shut down! but not because people can't fund it. so we're probably going to with
talking about a shutdown again in three weeks' time from now. but i guess for now republicans and democrats can be happy that they averted disaster. just too bad that trump won't hear the good news because he's still in his office pretending to talk on the phone. hello, dial tone? we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ohhhhhh, ou! guess what i just got? uh! ♪i used to be spellbound hello again. ♪i used to be spellbound hi. ♪i used to be spellbound that's a big phone. ♪in your arms. [screams] ah, my phone. ♪you built the flame ♪that warms my heart, ♪but lying and cheating ♪has torn us apart ♪and i'm moving on.
oh thanks. say, yeah, i took your advice and had geico help with renters insurance- it was really easy. easy. that'd be nice. phone: for help with chairs, say "chair." phone: for help with bookcases, say "bookcase." bookcase. i thought this was the dresser? isn't that the bed? phone: i'm sorry, i didn't understand. phone: for help with chairs, say "chair." does this mean we're not going out? book-case. see how easy renters insurance can be at geico.com. you doing your taxes? oh... yeah. trying to sneak them in between set ups. why are you using turbotax? hm?
well h&r block more zero lets you file online for free even if you itemize deductions. turbotax doesn't do that. oh man... at this point, it kind of just seems like you hate money. yikes! that was not me. i think somebody touched something. unlike turbotax, h&r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. a more free way to file. get your taxes won. now comes in a pocket pack. i can take it anywhere. to the shoe store! ♪break through. ♪break through.
>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! this weekend, while the senate was shutting down the government, the people were shutting down the streets with the second year of the women's march taking place in cities around the world. ( cheers and applause ) for more on this, we turn to desi lydic and dulce sloan.
( cheers and applause ) >> hey, everybody, i'm desi. >> i'm dulce. >> and wine with women! >> it's the show. >> it was the one-year anniversary of the women's march and you know donald trump is pissed off because of the two things he hates most feminism and exercise. >> women across the country took to the streets today to demand equality, social and political change, the marchs from coast to coast. >> around 250 marchs are planned around the world. >> seattle, san francisco, miami, phoenix, washington, new york, philadelphia, cincinnati, chicago, denver, los angeles, san francisco, goes on and on -- >> it is through human dedication and effort that we move forward! ( cheers and applause ) >> that's right! women be marchin'! >> women be marching!
that's on the one and the three. >> you always are. best and worst things about the march. >> for me, i feel like the best thing was just seeing hundreds of thousands of women marching all over the world. >> but the worst thing, did you see the bathroom? it looked like there were iphones 11 in there. >> just pop a squat like you're in the shower. >> oh, girl, you're nasty. i tell you what i did like about the march, all those sides. look at 'em. >> so good, so good. do you have a sign? >> oh, girl, yeah! ( laughter ) >> dulce, you might want to put your real phone number on the sign. >> you're right. that's why i put your number. >> good thinking. no one's going to bug you now. ( laughter ) i couldn't find my pussy hat from last year so i put on a pair of pink underwear upside
down which is actually more accurate. >> trevor: remember last year people were talking about what exactly are you marching for, what are you trying to accomplish? this year women said we're grabbing men by the ballots. >> organizers dubbed it power to the polls. >> a push to get women to register to vote and run for office in november's midterm elections. >> we're encouraging people to vote in november 2018. >> kelly fowler marched in last year's rally and decided to run for state office in virginia and won. >> last year, i marched. then i ran. ( cheers and applause ) then i won. ( cheers and applause ) >> that's right! women are running for office! and now we can sexually harass our interns and cover it up for decades! whoo! equality!
>> equality! >> that's all the time we have. this has been wining with women! >> that doesn't sound good. ♪ i am woman, hear me pour >> yep, i love it. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: desi lydic and dulce sloan, everyone. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) tens of millions of people have switched to unlimited on america's most awarded network. verizon? uh, woah, woah, woah vince. it was ranked highest in network quality performance nationwide by j.d. power and rated number 1 in the nation by rootmetrics 8 times running. it's totally verizon. vince! we can see the sign. the v's sticking out. anyway, the most awarded network is... verizon! vince! you didn't know what it was... you did? okay.
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one "new york times" best seller "fire and fury: inside the trump white house." please welcome michael wolff! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: there are a few people outside of i.s.i.s. who are loathed by the president as much as you are. ( laughter ) >> trevor: after writing this book, is there even a tiny part of you that's afraid? because donald trump definitely bears a grudge. >> no, i actually think the opposite thing will happen. i think in a relatively short period of time, he will get in touch with me to claim credit for the book. ( laughter ) so, in the end, he will be the author of the best selling book in the world. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you know, it's such a fascinating and fun read. you read about this white house, and here's what i wonder about the book. like, what do you intend the book to be?
is this a journalistic foray into the white house or just a salacious account of the juicy tidbits of the inner workings of what's going on? >> oh, i think those are the same things in this instant. ( laughter ) yes, it is a book about what i saw and what i heard. what i saw and what i heard was flabbergasting. i mean, these are is greatest bunch of knuckleheads i think that have ever been assembled in one place. ( laughter ) >> trevor: are there some people in the white house that would say things to make trump look bad or the administration look worse than it is? did you ever consider people would tell you a story that wasn't true? >> well, yeah, but that's important to understand. these are the people in the white house. this is their white house. they are trump's staffers. >> trevor: right. >> so you have -- and that was the really revelatory thing here
is that the people around trump were exactly the people saying the emperor wears no clothes here, that this is a really troubled place, and trump ultimately is somebody -- and i think everybody would agree, everyone in the white house would agree that trump is someone who should not be president. >> trevor: that is a frightening concept or reality to live within, the fact that everyone in that white house agrees on a concept but they would never say that publicly. how do they justify working for him and defending him? is it keeping up the pretense? >> actually, they do say it publicly. most reporters who are close to this white house reporting on this white house have heard exactly what i've heard. so it's really the reporters who have not quite said this publicly. and they haven't said this publicly because they have to go in another day. >> trevor: right.
>> i expect, at this point, that i'm not going to have to go back again. >> trevor: probably not. >> yes. so i can say this. but this is not -- i am not saying, among everybody who knows what's going on there, i'm not saying anything controversial. >> trevor: right. >> the president of the united states is surrounded by people who believe he shouldn't have this job. >> trevor: when you look at donald trump and you think of hip as donald trump the negotiate, donald trump the person, the business with man, the man he's painted himself out to be, you look at the stories that now come out, let's say on immigration, government funding, donald trump unable to corral a deal, unable to get lawmakers to do what he would like them to do. were there any signs of this when you were in the white house? >> well, yeah, actually, the people around him say, agh, he's
never negotiated anything. that seems to be true. in his business career, you know, theyponent out he can't even read a balance sheet. he doesn't do any of the kinds of things that he told us he did. he is not a businessman. he is a television performer. >> trevor: if he doesn't know the balance sheet, does he know policy? >> not only does he not know policy, he doesn't care about policy. this is the profound point here -- of all the reasons that one would theoretically be the president of the united states, he's not interested in any of those. >> trevor: right. you must forgive me if i'm just shocked at all of this because you almost feel like it's depressing that he's not a mastermind that is planning all of this. we are just all dealing with a buffoon is almost what you're saying. >> yeah, he's stupid. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, it's why -- andeth one of the most wounding things you
can say to him or that people can say about him is that he's stupid. his head is -- his hair is going up right now. he's also bald, just -- >> trevor: let me ask you this, before i let you go. you had an interview recently and you were asked about details that maybe weren't in the book and one of the things you said has really sparked social media and i guess the news world at large and you insinuated or said out loud that donald trump is possibly having an affair with someone in the white house. like where do you get this from? >> you just have to read the book. >> trevor: no, but i read the book. but i don't know where you got that from in the book. like, there's no part in the book. i know if you said cheeseburger, i would be, yeah, i know about the cheeseburger. >> you have to somewhat read between the lines and you have to see. i'm not going -- just the book -- it's -- it's there. >> trevor: but it's not there. ( laughter ) >> it is there.
( cheers and applause ) well, that's our show for tonight. let's check in with jordan klepper at "the opposition." jordan, i assume you guys are chatting about the government shutdown tonight. >> you mean the chuck schumer showdown? the snowflake to have the democrats tried to close the statue of liberty. they failed. >> trevor: i guess that's cool because the statue is such a