tv The Daily Show Comedy Central August 7, 2018 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daly show, everybody." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. sit down. let's get into it! sit down! my guest tonight is an old friend of the show.
rob corddry is here, everybody ( cheers and applause ) we're going to be talking about his show, hbo show, "ballers," and his new movie "dog days." but first, let's catch up on today's headlines. the ku klux klan is not the powerhouse organization they once were. but they have a new plan to get back on top. >> k.k.k. recruiters are trying to lure kids in upstate new york with candy. klan members have been meeting children as they make their way to the bus in the morning. apparently, they're handing out bags of flyers and snickers candy bars. >> trevor: oh, man! now parents have to be extra worried if their kid comes home with candy. parents are going to be like, "timmy, where did you get that candy? from a pedophile? oh, thank god. i thought it was-- i thought it was the k.k.k. oh, my god." ( laughter ) and, you know, i think the k.k.k. underestimates how smart kids are these days.
like if anything, the kids are going to end up tricking the k.k.k. "thanks for the candy, mister. now i hate mexicans and blacks. what a moron. doesn't he know the most effective racism is dominating power structures, not running around in a bed sheet? what a dumb ass." ( laughter ) ( applause ) moving on. while america is at home depot shopping for the border wall, it might want to pick up a spare. >> illegal immigration from canada is soaring. >> last year, border patrol agent along the northern border cawd 3027 people in the country illegally. nearly half, 1,489, were from mexico. mexican citizens don't need a visa to enter canada. and one-way flights to toronto and montreal only cost about $300. >> trevor: yeah, you heard that right. mexicans are coming in through the northern border now. ( laughter ) yo, poor trump, man. ( laughter ) i feel like-- i feel like he's going to be done with the wall, he's going to lay the last brick on the wall with his bare hands and he's going to be like," finally, my beautiful wall is complete." and then he turns around and
there's a bunch of mexicans, "good job, mr. president!" "no!" ( cheers and applause ) and, also, also, this is incredibly insulting to canadians. mexicans make it all the way to canada, and they still decide to keep going to the u.s ( laughter ) like, canadians must be like, "hey, but we have free health care, low crime. why would you go to america?" "yo, if i'm being honest man, i just want to be in a country where people speak my language, man." ( laughter ) in other news, if you're waiting for president trump to be impeached, this might have to hold you over. >> the west hollywood city council is working on a plan to remove president trump's star on the hollywood hall of fame. the star is still borded up after a man took a pick axe to it last month. it has been a magnet for protests, and each time it's damaged, the city pays to repair it. >> trevor: okay, okay, first of all, who is walking around l.a. with a pick axe? look, don't get me wrong. i get the whole resistance thing, but if you really want to
disrespect trump, isn't a sidewalk in los angeles already the most disgusting place for his star. why remove it? people are walking on it, throwing trash. they're peeing, they're pooping. oh, you know they are. don't tell me you walk down hollywood boulevard and you're confident that every piece of shit you see came from a dog. you know, one out of three. i feel, if anything, a sidewalk star should be a punishment. just people like trump and cosby and weinstein, all of them. and the only change is what we should do when they put their hands in the concrete, we should just leave them there. leave them there. "yeah, try grabbing a pussy now, pervert." ( cheers and applause ) let's move on to our top story. today is day six of the paul manafort trial. now, remember, paul manafort is donald trump's former campaign manager and evil husband in a lifetime movie. well, anyway, thanks to the mueller investigation, he is now on trial for tax crimes and money laundering. and things aren't going well for him, because this week,
prosecutors brought rick gates to the witness stand, and gates has been paul manafort's right-hand man for years. and on top of that, he worked as the deputy campaign manager for donald trump. so, he knows where the bodies are buried. and yesterday, he dug them up. >> robert mueller's star witness, rick gates, taking the stand against former trump campaign chairman paul manafort. >> rick gates becoming the first trump campaign official to confess his crimes on the witness stand. >> asked by the prosecution, "were you involved in any criminal activity with mr. manafort?" his reply, "yes." asked, "did you commit any crimes with mr. manafort?" gates again responding, "yes." >> trevor: well, that was easy. ( laughter ) they were like, "did you guys do the crimes?" and he was like, "yeah, yeah." i'm not going to lie. i was hoping for a bit more courtroom drama, like they'd tell him to confess, and he'd deny it, and they'd be like, "we have a surprise witness, your twin brother!" "oh!"
or, like, tom cruise would show up and be like, "you can't handle the truth!" and we'd be like, "tom cruise does his own stunts." but the proceedings weren't that exciting. although, for manafort, it must be really wild because every moment that gates was on the stand, things just got worse and worse. >> another stunning confession, gates admitting he also stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from manafort while working for him. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i'm sorry, for me, this is hilarious. like, he's confessing stealing from the same guy he was committing crimes with. like, manafort must have been so at the same time so proud. on the one hand, gates stole money from him. but on the other hand, he clearly learned everything manafort taught him. it's like if at the end of karate kid daniel-san kicked the shit out of mr. miyagi. "wax these nuts, old man!" so, like, every day in this trial, there has been another explosive revelation. just today, gates confessed that
he also may have stolen from trump's inauguration committee. yeah. and not just the money. i think he took some of the people, too. ( laughter ) ( applause ) how else could you explain that? how? like, so much crazy shit has been going on in this trial, people didn't even notice there's been a giant butt inside the courtroom this entire time. why isn't anyone talking about the giant butt? what is it doing in there? is it twerking against the witness stand? is it connected to russia somehow? we need answers! all right, sorry, let's get back to gates' testimony. so, with gates-- one more thing, though. how come i can see through the butt? ( laughter ) like, is it a ghost butt? how do you git rid of a ghost but. are there ghost-butt-busters? or is it pronounced ghost buttsters. i see butt people.
sorry, where was i? what's interesting about this trial is it's not the russia investigation. don't forget, this is not the russia investigation, but it came from the russia investigation. and robert mueller is hoping it will lead back to the russia investigation. >> special counsel robert mueller had been hoping manafort would flip and offer to share anything he knew about alleged russian involvement in the trump campaign, but so far, he has not been regular throg cooperate. >> the trial has been to get paul manafort to flip. >> trevor: robert mueller is cold-blooded. he's catching the small fish to get to trump. this reminds me of a song my mother used to sing to me as a kid about the russia investigation. ♪ the gates bone is connected o the manafort bone ♪ and the manafort bone is connected to the russia bone ♪ and the russia bone is connected to the trump bone ♪ and trump was boning stormy daniels ♪ and that's my song ( cheers and applause )
we had-- we had songs growing up. ( laughter ) so as it stands, mueller seems to have a tight case. manafort's partner in crime has turned on him, and there is a butt in the courtroom. ( laughter ) or maybe balls. it doesn't matter though. the pont is, why isn't manafort snitching on trump? because it turns out manafort has a plan-a-fort. >> sources tell cbs news, manafort expects a presidential pardon if he is found guilty. >> trevor: ah, ythe presidential pardon. we forget-- trump hands out pardons like a klan member handing out candy. he's pardon sheriff arpaio, and dinezsh dszouza, and he let thanos off the hook. so now, the big question is would donald trump really pardon a convicted criminal just to save his own ass? and is it the same ass from the
( cheers and applause ) welcome back to "the daily show." before the break, before the break, we were discussing the possibility of president trump pardoning paul manafort to keep him from flipping in the russia investigation. could he? will he? how? our very own hasan minhaj has the answers in another edition of "hasan the record." >> what up, hasaniacs. confession alert-- i love kim k. so damn much spp. she is my spirit animal. when she demanded trump pardon a
67-year-old drug felon, i was like, dope? keeping up with the commutations. 63-year-old alice johnson now a free woman. >> while it's not a full pardon, she's out of jail! forget mandela, move over gandhi. kim k. is the freedom fighter. w.t.f. is a presidential pardon anyway, and can it be used to forgive, like, anything? ( laughter ) hasan the record. this thing on? the founding padres knew the country would face critical moments when a well-time pardon it to insurgents, or rebels may restore the tranqilts of the commonwealth. so they gave the president the power to pardon. illiteration-- dank. the pardon lets the president absolve anyone of any federal crime. never happened. get out of jail free. it's like if trump was a
superhero let's call him mawga. the presidential pardon would be one of his sick new superpowers, except instead of putting people in jail like a superhero, he'd be busting them out of jail. wait! what maga man the bad guy the whole time? now the president's power to let people off has sometimes come in handy, from george washington using it to stop the bootlegger insurrection, to my ban bear o. bringing 300 nonviolent drug offenders. ( applause ) but my fav presidential pardon definitely came from abe lincoln. you see, in 1861... you know what? this pardon story is too good. let's just relax on this one minhaj-a-notes. okay, where were we? in 1861, abraham lincoln pardoned arthur o'brien for the crime of-- wait for it--
attempted beastality. seriously. this actually happened. beardie back of penny dude pardoned the guy who swiped right on a barnyard animal. lincoln thought the dude had been too drunk to be held accountable. in the 1800, apparently being drunk was a legit excuse for beastality. amazing. now, some pardons aren't as easy to get behind. like, when gerald ford let nixon off the hook for watergate, ford said it was the to move the country forward, but thousands of callers flooded the white house switchboard-- and i know what you're thinking, minhaj-ers. what the hell is a switchboard? then there was the time bill clinton pardoned a dude who was once on the f.b.i.'s 10 most wanted list. >> bill clinton's pardon of marc rich was appalling, a disgrace. rich was a fugitive. >> clinton issued that pardon on his last day in office. he crop dusted justice. gross! >> wouldn't inhale.
>> but trump isn't waiting until his last day. >> also new tied today, a white house official said trump was obsessed with pardons describing them as the president's new favorite thing to talk about. >> trump is ready to overuse his power like a beyonce fan overuses the b.b. emoji. so error, she is me queen. anyone who did anything wrong about, with, or for russia, trump could say never happened. and they all go free. dead-ass. and that brings us to... >> the weird question. >> once he's done pardoning all his pooems for whatever they did wrong, can trump pardon himself? forget maga-man. that would be like trump finding the constitutional infinite complex. treason? pardon. super adultery? pardon, pardon, pardon. america, i don't feel so good. have faith, minhaj-aholics.
trump can't pardon himself because the constitution doesn't allow it. >> nobody knows for sure if trump could pardon himself, but the constitution doesn't say for sure he can't. >> what? so trump maybe could pardon himself? i thought that was obstruction of justice, but then he would pardon himself for obstruction of justice, which wouldn't be obstruction of justice but then he would pardon himself! nooo! guys go to hasanthe record its.com, and pick up my brand of water, hasani. water is gasoline for the brain. drink about it. >> trevor: hasan minhaj, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (thomas) nice choices! you see, now verizon lets you mix and match your family unlimited plans like you mix and match your flavors. so you get what you want, without paying for things you don't. number 6. i know. where do i put it? in my belly. (vo) one family. different unlimited plans. starting at $40 per line on the network you deserve.
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♪don't talk, gon' break ya jaw ♪i'm coming up ♪my movements coming up ♪i'm coming up ♪my movements coming up ♪ ♪ ♪ introducing the first-ever nissan kicks. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a former "daily show" correspondent and an actor who can be seen in the new film "dog days" and the hbo series "ballers."
>> i love that guy, right? >> this is not us. this is not what we do. this isn't who we are. come ojoe, i got (bleep) sand in my shoes. >> we're anybody we want to be. that's what you always say to me, right? weren't we financial managers? were we real estate developers? were we shoulders for 6'5" 300-pound superlosers to cry on? no, we were none of those things. but we did it all, right? >> trevor: please welcome rob corddry. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> very nice. >> trevor: good to have you here. >> it's good to be here. >> trevor: i see you have your obama tan suit on. >> you had to explain that to me backstage. i didn't know he had the gall to wear a tan suit. >> trevor: i saw rob backstage and i was like you have the tan suit. and he was like the tan suit. and i said the obama tan suit.
it's the biggest scandal of all time. >> i'm like, trevory i'm wearing a fantastic summer suit. >> trevor: obama made the mistake once and that's how we got trump. ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> thank you very much gr congratulations on everything you're doing. let's chat first about "ballers." coming back season four. >> yeah. >> trevor: really popular show. ( applause ). >> thank you, yeah. >> trevor: when i watch the first season of ballers, i was like, oh, how much sports are they going to do? how deep are they going to go? now the show has really become about your relationship. >> -- >> it's about me. >> trevor: your relationship with duane johnson's character. it's two guys really struggling in the most glamorous world ever. i've never seen more rich broke people. every episode is debt, debt. how are we paying the debt? every time i have a line like, that i'm always like, wait, my character must make a good salary. like am i really that bad off.
>> trevor: you jump out of a ferrari and you'll be like, "man, we have to pay back the loan. we're not doing well." >> i have a ferrari and a land rover. i'm doing okay. >> trevor: you're in massive debt, rob. >> compared to the football players, i guess. >> trevor: who are also in massive debt-- >> we're all in massive debt. >> trevor: that's what i like about "ballers." i feel it's a realistic show. >> it's a very realistic show. >> trevor: let's talk about the movie. you have a new movie coming out. >> "dog days." >> trevor: yes, which is a really great movie because it speaks to my experience of what i learned in america, which is it is easier to meet people if you meet them through their dogs. >> yeah, yeah. >> trevor: that's really what this movie is about. >> i guess you're right. i actually never thought about it that way, but in college, everybody was like, "dude you need to play guitar, have a hacky sack, or have a dog." >> trevor: right. >> or you're not going to meet ladies. >> trevor: right. >> and i had none of those things. >> trevor: i'm glad you didn't have the hacky sack-- >> oh! no, no, no, no, no! nothing, i had nothing.
>> trevor: do you have a dog now? >> no, no. ( laughter ) i don't. you know, only because i have children. ( laughter ) which are like dogs that can talk. ( laughter ) you know? dogs that can reason with you. it's just so much work. and, also, like, my youngest daughter is allergic to everything. >> trevor: right. >> and so it's an-- it's a good excuse not to get one. i'd take one, though, if you were giving me one right now as a surprise. >> trevor: well, it's funny you say that. >> oh, my gosh. he'll pull out a huge great dane. >> trevor: you guys are waiting for a dog? what do you think this is. >> no one's ever done that. >> trevor: what do you think this is. it's a rom-com about people meeting each other and using their dogs. i lived in l.a. for a little bit, and that's what i found, even in new york, don't talk to people. talk to the dog. >> i go, "hey, little guy." "hey, little guy." high pitched. what's your dog voice. >> trevor: that's what i do. a high pitch. >> i do this one.
>> trevor: that's cute. >> i do this dog voice. >> that's a nice dog voice. mine is a nonthreatening up- voice. >> mine is-- >> trevor: hey, little guy! >> we're both betas. >> trevor: i go with that voice. "what are you doing today?" i had a conversation once with my neighbor, and my neighbor in my building would not speak to me every time in the elevator. and then one day, i just cracked, and i looked at the dog. and i was like, "what are you guys doing today?" i think i was just defeated. and she was like, we're going for a walk." >> you cracked the code. >> trevor: when i watched the movie, i was like, this is basically it. you need to get a dog. >> no, i don't. i don't want to talk to more people. i have enough people in my life. i want to shrink my world, not get it bigger. i'm not taking applications. ( laughter ). >> trevor: well, in that case, get a hacky sack. ( laughter ) >> i'll pull a muscle. >> trevor: thank you so much for being on the show. >> it's a pleasure. >> trevor: "dog days" will be
in theaters august 8 and season four of "ballers" premieres august 12 on hbo. rob corddry, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) still nervous about finding a new apartment? yeah... but popping these things really helps me...relax. please don't, i'm saving those for later. at least you don't have to worry about renters insurance. just go to geico.com. geico helps with renters insurance? good to know. been doing it for years. that's really good to know. i'll check 'em out. get to know geico. and see how easy homeowners and renters insurance can be.
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show. but before we go, big news. the daily show" is coming to miami. we'll be there october 29 to november 1. why miami, you ask? because i truly believe that in this fall's elections, florida will be warm. we'll be taping our show at the jackie gleason theater in miami beach. if you want to join us, you can get free tickets at dailyshow.com/miami. and hopefully you'll there. now here it is, your moment of zen.
♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh i really like valentine's day in this office. it's kind of like grade school. everybody gives out little presents and stuff. like last year, jim gave me this card with dwight's head on it. it was horrifying and funny. phyllis. you could just sign here. roy and i are saving for the wedding, so i made him promise not to get me anything too big. happy valentine's day, darling,