tv The Daily Show Comedy Central April 24, 2019 11:00pm-11:37pm PDT
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you! thank you so much! welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you for tuning in. thank you for coming out and joining us. i'm trevor noah. so good to be here. so good to be here. let's do this. we're going to have a lot of fun. our guest tonight is the cochair of the bill and melinda gates foundation, and a global
advocate for women and girls. melinda gates is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) right over here. right over here. also on tonight's show, lewis black is going to give us a guide to the subway, there's a murdering bird on the loose, and president trump wants to speak to the manager. but first, let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick off with an update on the story that shook the nation, jussie smollett. two months ago, the "empire" actor was attacked by two trump supporters who turned out to be nigerian weightlifters. but then, jussie was arrested for working with them to fake a hate crime. but then the charges were dropped for no reason, and then, jussie said the brothers really did attack him, but they were in whiteface. and now, the story is starting to get weird. ( laughter ) >> the two brothers who allegedly faked the jussie smollett attack are now suing the "empire" actor's legal team. they say smollett directed every
aspect of the hoax. the brothers are suing for defamation. they claim they suffered extreme emotional distress. smollett's attorneys have called the lawsuit ridiculous. >> trevor: okay, okay, i don't know who is writing the jussie smollett story but they deserve a raise. this is a storyline that nobody could have predicted. the i can jeern brothers are saying jesse hurt their reputation by saying they aren't scam artists. "how dare you insigneuate we are not committing a scam. this is especially insulting to me as a prince whose family was recently forced to flee his country." ( laughter ) so they're suing, and i'll be honest, if i was jussie, i would settle with these guys quickly. because if they cut his face when faking it imagine what they'll do if this is real. i don't know how these guys can claim jussie smollett tarnished their image, because up until a few moks ago no one knew their
image, and now we do. it's this photo they use every single time they talk about them on the news, which is pretty dope. shit, if i ever get arrested for anything, feel free to use this photo of me, yeah. like do, that, all the time. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all the time. and, by the way, that's not my penis. i have a tail. moving on to a another never-ending story-- immigration. recently, the department of homeland security has gotten a bad reputation for how it detains children at the border. so they've been trying to come up with an alternative that doesn't look cartoonishly evil, and this is what they came up with: >> a new report this morning from the "new york times" says the united states is considering housing migrant children at the u.s. military prison at guantanamo bay in cuba. the report says it's part of an effort to handle the uptick in immigrants that are trying to cross the southern border. >> trevor: okay, i want to know how that meeting at homeland security went. who came up with this idea?
people are like, "guys, people are mad at us for separating children from their parents? what can we do to fix this? "we with throw them in guantanamo." "my man." at least the guantanamo ball pit would finally get moved. now officials say they might not move forward with this because the idea of using guantanamo bay for immigrant children is not a good. i guess they realize just how inhumane it is and not just for the kids, but for the prisoners. they now have to share their prison with kids. forget waterboarding. living with toddlers will be the real torture. no, can't operate vehicles! no! and finally, you're not going to believe this, but something really strange happened in florida. ( laughter ). >> a rare bird that ranked into its owner and killed him is up for auction. marvin hajos died after he was attacked by the cassowary in
gainesville. the flightless bird is available for auction. >> trevor: quick question: why are they auctioning off the killer bird? ( laughter ) like, who's bidding on that? is there someone out there showing up like, "$200. i'll fight that bird!" ( laughter ) and people are like, this bird, i can't believe it. but let's be fair, people-- we murder birds every day, like hundreds of thousands of them. yeah. so life really is about perspective. we call this bird a murderer. but chickens locked up in farms everywhere, they're like, yo, that's our malcolm x.that's correct what that is. that's revenge." they're getting tattoos of that bird on themselves right now. and florida or not, it is shocking to hear that there's a bird that can kill people. it's like finding out there's a gerbil that commits arson. mr. snickers, no! all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our main story, president trump. he's obviously a very busy man, but in between rounds of golf and shredding his tax returns, he still finds time for his true
passion-- getting into beefs. and with trump, one beef is never enough. so let's catch up on all his latest beefs in another edition of donald j. trump, commander in beef. >> i'm going to hit them back. i can take this guy and knock the crap out of him. i'd like to punch him in the face. ( cheers and applause ) for the first presidential beef, it's the president versus... twitter. yes. like all of trump's closest relationships, his relationship with twit ser sort of a love-hate situation, which is why yesterday, trump had a white house meeting with jack dorsey, the c.e.o. of twitter and tech tyrion lannister. and he had him there to let him know the president isn't happy about what's going on, online. >> well, president trump meeting with twitter cofounder and c.e.o. jack dorsey at the white house. the meeting coming after trump attacked social media saying they are biased against
conservatives, even slamming twitter for the platform's treatment of him. >> the woaps of woap reported much of the meeting focused on the fact that twitter removed some of his followers but as dorsey explained to the president twitter removes fraud lant spam accounts. >> trevor: the president of the united states is upset because he feels he should have more twitter ferl followers. this is absolutely ridiculous. what's next, he's going to complain to instagram. look at those himself. i will be honest, this is most relateab thing he has ever done because we all think we should have more twitter followers. i don't care who you are. everyone is like, "come othat's it?" the onto dink is when trump gets mald at twitter he doesn't just complain to his friends, he flies in the c.e.o. of twitter. that's the treme right there. i bet this will inspire more people to run for office. people will be on stage, "i'm
running for president so i can ask jeff bezos what happened to my tube socks which were supposed to be here by wednesday." and, by the way, that's not a stock image. that's an actual guy running for president right now. or maybe it isn't. you tonigh don't know. ( laughter ) there are too many of them to keep track. he actually is running. he isn't. we don't know. ( laughter ) i actually feel sorry for nerch this meeting with trump who had to sit there and take it seriously. like everyone. i mean, look at this. look at this guy's face, right? laug( laughter ) that guy works for trump but even he's looking at him the same way you look at your dad when he wins out a speedy for the beach, "dad, you're embarrassing me in front of stacey." and poor jack dorsey, he has to eplain to a president that some of his followers were deleted because they were bots and spam accounts. it's like breaking the news to a child that santa is real. sir, you're 72 now, soic you're
old enough to know the truth. @mikhail-62875 isn't a real person. he's like, "no! he reach meas every day! that's a lie! he's my best friend!" and twitter is only one of the president's beefs right now. because yesterday, he reignited one of his original fused. >> president trump is reportedly escalating his dispute with some of the media, reportedly telling officials in his administration to boycott saturday's annual white house correspondents' dinner after controversy at last year's event. >> daniel-san and maxine waters have attented in the back. in a tweet he called the media, "the enemy of the people." >> that's right, president trump has ordered everyone in his administration to stay waw from the white house correspondents' dinner. and when a guy who eats like this is boycotting your dinner, then you know he's mad. you know. and you know what, i'll be honest with you? i think this is a good thing. i always thought it was weird
that white house reporters spend an evening snoozing with the people they're supposed to be holding accountable. it would be like if the f.b.i. and mafia had one day a year where they went to a fun brunch. agents just like, "i hope the health inspector doesn't show up, because we sure got a lot of rats at this table, looking at you, vincenzo." but seriously, guys, thank you for everything we you do. we appreciate you. the most important trump beef right now isn't with twitter or the press. no, it's with congress. because in the wake of the mueller report, congressional democrats are launching more investigations into the trump administration, and in response, trump is launching his middle fing perp. >> battle lines. president trump says no to white house aides testifying to congress about the mueller report. democrats ready for a fight. >> the white house testing the power of congress today, resisting a wave of subpoenas from house democrats and telling a former security director not to show up for his scheduled
testimony on security clearances. >> we're fighting all the subpoenas. we have been, i have been the most transparent president and administration in the history of our country by far. and i thought after two years we'd be finished with it. no, now the house goes and starts subpoenaing. i say it's enough. get back to infrastructure, get back to cutting taxes, get back to lowering drug prices. that's what-- really, that's what we should be doing. >> trevor: now, if you'll excuse me i have to go talk to jack dorsey about changing the twitter logo from a bird to a t. rex. much cooler animal, folks, with super-normal hands. serious work. ( laughter ) that's right. ( applause ) ( cheers ) trump is refusing to let anyone from his administration testify in congress.
yeah. he won't let the guy who gave jared kushner a security clearance testify. he won't let the lawyer he told to fire mueller testify. the only person he'll let testify is rudy giuliani, and that's because he never makes sense anyway. after five minutes in the hearing, congress will be like, we have to evacuate the building. must be a gas leak in here or something. i don't know what's going on. trump ocial thinks his officials don't have to comply with the subpoenas. and his war with the democrats are getting so heated people are starting to talk about potentially impeaching him, which brings us to the final beef. >> while democrats and congress are continuing to debate whether or not they will move towards impeachment of president trump, trump is drawing a new line in the sand. >> if the partisan dems ever tried to impeach i would help to the u.s. supreme court. >> gl if the democrats impeach me i will head to the supreme court. just to be clear, that's not a thing. ( laughter )
okay. the supreme court can't overrule an impeachment. the two have nothing to do with one another. this would be like if a cop gives you a ticket and your response is, "i'm fighting this buddy. you'll be hearing from my orthodontist." ( laughter ) ( applause ) so in the last 48 hours, the president has gotten in fights with congress, the press, and twitter. and, look, we can't help him with the first two, but we do have someone who can help him out online. so please, welcome someone who is on twitter right now, jaboukie young-white! ( cheers and applause ) > thanks, trevor. okay, look, i never say this but i feel bad for donald trump. i mean, like, clearly, he's in a social media rut. we've all been there. your retweet count is down, your takes are getting cold, you just got unfollowed by rihanna. ( laughter ) >> trevor: wait, jaboukie, did you just get unfollowed by
rihanna? >> i just need to give trump some advice real quick. okay, mr. president, if you want to get more followers, you've got to switch it up, man. i mean, first of all, you're too thirsty. like, look at all those capital letters. ( laughter ) stop shouting. nothing screams "i'm desperate for attention" like tweeting in all caps. you have to play that shit cool, right? put everything in lower case. like, "i don't know, i mean, i guess we could do a muslim ban. or not. i don't really give a (bleep). ( laughter ) chill, you know." second, no one wants to hear about "fox & friends" or all that old people shit. tweet about shows people actually watch, you know, like that show with the black baby, or whatever, that gets kidnapped by mandy moore, but then it turns out being a good thing. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you're talking about "this is us." >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! oh, my god! every time i watch that show, i'm like, "damn, this is us."
( laughter ) and speaking of us, there is one thing that will boost trump's followers. he needs to become a part of black twitter. it's the only gated community that he's not allowed in. >> trevor: okay, okay, slow down, jaboukie. come on, that's something that's never gong to happen, man. >> trevor, have some faith, man. look, to be a part of black twitter, he only has to follow two simple steps. one, he has to cancel someone racist, which should be easy for trump because he just has to cancel himself. go back, dig up an old shameful tweet from, i don't know, five minutes ago. call up his workplace and say, "you're canceled." "i'm canceled?" "you're canceled. no collusion." you know? you get it. trump shit, you know. ( laughter ) and, two, if trump wants to be on black twitter, he's got to change that profile pic. i mean, look at those dry-ass lips. ( laughter )
black people will never trust someone that ashy. ( laughter ) it looks like he's been making out with an urn, you know. ( laughter ) get yourself some lotion and glow the (bleep) up. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and while you're at it, i don't know, maybe get some earbuds, a new barber. you know what? just change your overall look, right? ( laughter ) >> trevor: jaboukie young-white, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." when a new story falls through the cracks, lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." ( cheers and applause ) >> if you live in new york city, you've always been forced to make a choice-- you're in a car or you're in the subway. you can only masturbate in one. ( laughter ) but now the city wants to cut down on road traffic and push everyone into the subway, and people aren't happy about it. >> new york city is set to become the very first city in the nation to levy a congestion tax on drivers. >> the drivers entering midtown below 60th street will be charged a toll with that money going towards the city's public
transit system. >> but even some subway riders who would benefit from the billions in capital improvements aren't wild about the plan, knowing drivers could ditch their cars and flood the trains. >> oh, great! now all of the people from jersey are riding the subways! if there's one thing i don't want to see at 8:00 a.m. it's a guy spilling red bull on his sleeveless bon jovi shirt. ( laughter ) but, still, i'm a new yorker, and new yorkers welcome people with open arms, you commuting (bleep). so welcome to the subway, former drivers. i think you'll find it's not as bad as you think. for example, if you're afraid that ditching your car means you can no longer bring personal items with you, don't worry. that's never stopped people before. >> this passenger is trying to get a 30-foot steel beam on to the train. >> fellow riders lend a hand. what do you know?
it fits! >> a commuter in new york city made a subway car into a jungle. this video was posted on twitter sunday. a man drags tree after tree on to the car for more than three minutes. meanwhile, people on twitter were shocked he was able to pull this off. >> look at all those trees. it's like central park, but inside! ( laughter ) all that's missing is some guy bathing in a fountain full of pigeon shit. ( laughter ) by the way, we can all agree that he stole that beam, right? i mean, he's not on his way to a construction job, and they're like, "tony! don't forget to bring the beams from home tomorrow!" ( laughter ) oh-- ( applause ) oh, and if you're going to miss making yourself pretty in the car, don't worry. you can do that on the subway, too. >> how would you like to ride to work next to this person? or this guy shaving his head?
>> people clipping their nails, eating them-- oh, yeah. >> clipping their nails? >> toenails, too. >> want proof? >> hey! that's my lawyer! hey, ben! ( laughter ) but, yes, subway riders are shaving their heads and clipping their nails. you know who i blame for this? "queer eye." they taught men how to groom themselves but tell them where to do it! ( laughter ) so like it or not, because of the new congestion tax the subway is going to get a lot more crowded. but good news eye have a bulletproof way for you to get a seat on the train. roll it, paul. excuse me! i need some space, people! hey, let's make way! oh, boy. i know just what you need. hey!
( screams ). >> what's wrong with you? >> oh, boy, how about that? ( cheers and applause ) >> works every time, trevor. >> trevor: lewis black, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) we gather to celebrate a life... of relentless evil. a sick, twisted existence that grew through the cracks and spread to my very soul. you thought you'd have a long life, but i cut it short with ortho groundclear weed & grass killer. kill 'em all! let's go to the garden. new ortho groundclear. kills really fast, and it's organic friendly. speed you can trust. the p'zone from pizza hut. it's meaty, cheesy, melty, and you know its big.
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"the daily show." my guest tonight is a business woman and philanthropist who cochairs the bill and melinda gates foundation. her new book is called "the moment of lift: how empowering women changes the world." please welcome melinda gates. ( cheers and applause ) >> hi, trevor. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you! >> trevor: it is so good to have you here, especially considering the book that you've written. i would like to talk about your journey from the very beginning. because you've lived, like, a really, really interesting life. for some people, you popped up as melinda gates. but you genuinely have lived an interesting life. for instance, i didn't know that you were offered a job at i.b.m., and you turned it down to go work at a little company known as microsoft. >> right. >> trevor: yeah. when you look back at that, do you ever think to yourself that was a moment that changed everything? >> it was one moment that changed everything. just like the moment when i had
a teacher who saw computers and decided to go to the head nun of our all-girls' school-- and nobody had computers-- and said, "let's get six of them to help these girls learn how to code." that just didn't happen back then. so there are all these forks that happen in life, and that happened to be a major one for me. >> trevor: it really is a story of forks, it's a story of decisions. and that's what it feels like this book is about "the moment of lift: how empowering women changes the world." you have done a lot of work in africa, and one of the key things you have been working on is getting communities to empower their women. >> right. >> trevor: that's not easy. i know that coming from the african continent, there are some communities that go, "no, a woman has her place." but we've started seeing the change. how did you get people to embrace those ideas? >> well, you can only go in and educate communities and get them to decide it's something they want to do. and you have to do it in very culturally sensitive ways with people who have been working with that community, often for 30 years. but once they start to understand, even when a husband understands that his children
will be better off if his wife has certain amounts of income, and he'll be better off, then he often will start to make changes. and so it takes very thoughtful discussion. it takes discussion over a long period of time. and then you also introduce ideas and tools that we have here in the united states. and they start to say, "yes, i would like to try that for my family." >> trevor: one thing that has been apparent in the book and it's a really powerful story, is how you get women say one of the things that has changed my life is having access to birth control. being able to choose when and how i have a child really helped me define my life as a woman. that was a powerful thing in the book. it was something i thought i knew but didn't comprehend until i read one of those stories. why is that crucial for people to understand and how does that change a woman's life.
when i would stay long enough, they would say to me, "what about my health? what about birth control?" it is a life-and-death crisis. it's not fair for me to have another child to the one i just had if i have five and can't feed or educate these. so it is the greatest antipoverty tool we have. and i just didn't realize until i really listened to women that this is something that is a life-and-death emergency for them. and we need to deliver it as a world. >> trevor: there was one thing that really surprised me in the book. and i know it sounds like a strange thing to say. but i didn't ever know about melinda gates, the woman. you know. i've spent so long learning about melinda gates the businessperson, the philanthropist, the leader. but as a woman, you have faced challenges yourself. in a world where people think you have everything, what are the challenges you have to try to constantly overcomes with a
woman. >> i think as a woman, women all over the world need to face the fact that sometimes they are labeled a certain thing. they are labeled as "just a mother," or "just a working woman," or in my case, "just a wealthy woman." no, i'm a woman with a full life. i have three children. i have a loving relationship and husband, but i have faced challenges. and i think we need to look at the full picture of women's lives. one of the reasons i do write a whole page on abuse and the abusive relationship i was in was not necessarily just to share my story, but it's to say to people, "that can happen to absolutely anyone." and if someone faces abuse and all these barriers we have in society, you silence women. you you silence their voice. you silence-- you stop their self-confidence. and we need to open up society, and we need to lift these barriers. and when we do that as men and women, everybody will rise together. and so, i hoped in sharing my personal story people would see me as a whole human being, not just one of these categories they might see me in. >> trevor: i'll tell you one thing i enjoyed about the book, it's illuminating.
it's fascinating. and most importantly, it has answers. so thank you very much for being on the show. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: wonderful having you. "the moment of lift," surely inspiring read, is available now. melinda gates, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) chili's 3 for $10 presents
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with new extra refreshers gum. heyyyyy! ♪ it's the little things that make life rich. ritz. state of the art technology makes it brilliant. the visionary lexus nx. lease the 2019 nx 300 for $359 a month for 36 months. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. i'm adam, and i make robots. the new surface pro can handle all of my programs. the new surface pro can handle all of my programs. i can paint, i can mold, i can code. i can take an idea from a sketch and turn it into a real product in one device. it's pretty amazing. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. here it is, your moment of zen. >> and trump and, like, trump, trump, trump. >> trump, and trump, trump, trump. >> not a single message, it doesn't involve trump, trump, trump, trump, trump, trump,
trump, trump, trump, trump, trump, trump, trump, trump ( cheers and applause ) ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ - ♪ [muffled] a lot of people say, "i'll believe it when i see it" but i tell you what, they got it backwards. because there are certain things in life you can only see when you first believe