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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  July 2, 2019 1:39am-2:16am PDT

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♪ for the irresistible taste of temptations™ treats. what are you doing? oh hey, check this out. temptations ™. all it takes is a shake™. - how are you feeling, bubbe? - better. thanks. - you look a lot better. - yeah, looks like western medicine really did the trick. - hey, thanks for going through all that to save my life, stan. - dude, you're my best friend. i don't want you to die until i do.
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- yeah, hey, man, we're glad you're getting better too. - hey--hey, what's going on? - kyle's all better, cartman, thanks to you. - huh? - it was all a trick. your mom undid the kidney blocker, and then we put ketchup in your bed so you'd think we took your kidney. - yes, but it was all just a trick to get you to come in and sign this release. - isn't that funny, sweetie? - ugh, i am so pissed off! - oh, here's everybody. - hey, mr. garrison. where have you been? - boys, i have an announcement to make. i'm not gonna be your teacher anymore. i've become a best-selling author, and, kyle, i want you to have a signed copy as a get-well present. - oh. thanks? - i swear i'm gonna kill you guys! - careful, cartman. you might pop your stitches. [both laugh] - what the-- - oh, good, you got the crappy kidney.
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you all for coming out. let's do it. let's do it. let's mack a show. our guest tonight is an amazing actor. you probably know him from "narcos" or "brought broadcity." and now he is here with a brand new sketch show, "alternatino." arturo castro is joining us,
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everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, a billion dollars' worth of cocaine. we celebrate juneteenth, and america prepares for another war in the middle east. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's begin with an update from hong kong where millions of protesters have been marching in the streets, fighting against a proposed law that would allow china to extradite people from hong kong. and now, after weeks of tear gas, riot police and violence, it looks like the protests have paid off. >> after mass protests this past weekend, hong kong, a major reversal today. hong kong's leader said she is suspending a bill that would have allowed the extradition of criminal suspects to main land china. she said the decision was aimed at restoring calm after demonstrations and violence. >> people power has won for the time being in this remarkable test wells between protesters on the streets here in hong kong, and the chinese government.
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>> trevor: wow. congratulations to the people of hong kong. well done, everybody. so exciting to see. because it feels like this hardly happens, you know. you never see a protest get immediate results like this. it's like seeing a kid at an arcade actually win a toy from that claw machine. ( laughter ) i've never seen it. and i feel bad for those kid because they never get the toy, and when they do, i just come and steel stael it from them. ( laughter ) now, here's what made this protest so effective. up to one-third of hong kong's population came out to make their voices heard. yeah. and listen to this-- one of the ways they encouraged people to take to the streets-- and this is completely real-- was by shutting down all of the porn sites in hong kong. ( laughter ) which is genius. because i don't care how dedicated are you to a cause, porn can always distract you. ( laughter ) yeah, even the most massive protesters is one tab away from total failure. some will be like, "i was excited to fight for equality,
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but i opened up that tab and suddenly i was tired afterwards." moving on to domestic news, if you have been wondering why your cocaine dealer hasn't shown up yet, this might explain it. >> the billion-dollar bust in philadelphia, federal agents making one of the biggest cocaine seizures in american history. >> hidden on this ship docked tonight in philadelphia, federal agents say, was a huge stask of cocaine in seven shipping containers, just over 17 tons of it with a street value, u.s. officials say, of over $1 billion. court documents say crew members have towed investigators the drugs were loded on to the ship from boats while it was under way, then stuffed into containers. >> trevor: that's right. they seized $1 billion worth of cocaine in philadelphia. and i'm really happy for philly, but i'm especially happy for gritty, who, thanks to this bust, has finally gotten clean. well done, yeah. there he is. "plawz call me by my real name.
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it's grchard." can you imagine being the drug dealer who has to tell his boss he lost $1 billion of product. "you have ever had one of those days where you thought you had something in your pocket and checked it and was missing?" ", that's the worst." "i bring it up because that's what happened if our cocaine. some day we're going to laugh about this, right? where are you go? are you going somewhere to laugh?" i don't know about you, but what disturbed me even more about the cocaine itself was it all came in by boat, which means america will need another wall in the sea. yeah. because that's the only way to stop both the drugs and the illegal mermaid immigration. "those mermaids are so greedy, folks, they want gadgets and gizmos. even though they have the whosits and whatsits galore. thelast nierkts melania's husbad
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held a rally this florida to officially kick off his 2020 campaign. and usually a re-election campaign offers new ideas, now policies to move the country forward, but last night's speech felt like an exact replica of him running in 2016. and when i say "exact replica," i mean exact. in fact, when he put his speeches from 2016 with the ones from last night, well, you tell me if you can spot anything new. >> make america great again. make america great again. the greatest theme in the history of politics. maybe the greatest theme of all times. ( together ) drain the swamp, and hillary clinton, crooked hillary. deleted and acid washed. 33,000 emails. 33,000 emails deleted, bleached, acid washed. ( together ) people are pouring in, open borders. destroy our country. deplorables. win, win, win. i will never, ever let you down. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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>> trevor: trump 2020: now in stereo. all right uthat's it for the headlines. let's move on to our main story. ( cheers and applause ) america and iran, the two countries are like frenemies, just without the fren. i wish there was a word for that. and now, it looks like the tensions are coming to a head. >> breaking news tonight, collision course with iran. the u.s. now blaming iran after two ships come under attack, set on fire, growing fears of a major confrontation in the region. >> secretary of state pompeo blaming iran for what he called "unprovoked attacks." >> it is the assessment of the united states government that the islamic republic of iran is responsible for the attacks that occurred in the gulf of oman today. >> the u.s. will send another 1,000 troops to the middle east, citing hostile behavior by iran. that's on top of an extra 1,500 announced just weeks ago.
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>> the pentagon says they will be used for surveillance and intelligence gathering and to protect u.s. troops. >> trevor: okay, i'm-- i'm a little confused. did they say america is sending troops to the middle east to protect the troops in the middle east? ( laughter ) who's going to protect the new troops? ( laughter ) are you going to need more troops to protect the troops who are protecting the troops? this doesn't seem look a good idea. like, remember that movie "the bodyguard"? that would be like if they made a sequel called, "the bodyguard's bodyguard." ♪ and i will always love you and you ♪ but that's right, america is sending thousands of troops back to the middle east, which is a big deal, and not just because you have to pay that e-z pass again. no, it's also because this could lead to war. so when america says iran is responsible, they better have some solid proof. >> the u.s. military released this surveillance footage, which american officials tell nbc news shows iranian sailors removing
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an unexploded mine from the side of one of the tankers after it was attacked. >> fragments of mines, and the magnets used to attach them, made by iran, says the u.s., to attack oil tankers last week. more proof, say u.s. officials, of iranian guilt, iranian fingerprints apparently all over an attack that iran denies carrying out. >> trevor: iranian fingerprints? ( laughter ) honestly, i-- i don't really know what that last part means. how-- how you can tell that fingerprints are iranian? was the detective like... ( sniffs ) "i knew it. hummus. ( laughter ) "wait, wait, hummus isn't iranian." "i know, but if i said sudsy, you wouldn't have gotten the joke." so the u.s. claims they have enough evidence to prove the attack was carried out by iran.
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but because america has a history of crying wolf in the middle east, some of the u.s. allies say they need a little bit more than hummus fingers to be convinced. >> u.s. allies remain split about the allegations against iran, japan expressing skepticism, while germany foreign minister stating the video provided by the u.s. is not sufficient proof. >> trevor: that's right, japan, whose ship was attacked, by the way, isn't sure it was iran. and germany doesn't want to rush into any decisions. and i get it. both of those countries have a bad history with war, especially germany. yeah, they know how they get when there's a war. the chairmen are like, "i think weesht all proceed carefully and think about-- "no, germany, you need to get angry." "please, you wouldn't like me when i'm angry. last time this happened, i woke up in argentina with a spanish wife." ( laughter ) now, after some convincing, germany eventually accepted america's conclusion blaming iran. and because of the whole weapons of mass destruction thing, you can't blame america's allies for
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being a little cautious when taking america's word for it, all right, because america's done this before. imagine if your friend told you, "oh, my god, you have to get down to this party, rihanna is here." but when you got to the party instead of rihanna you just found some middle-aged guy named ryan. you'd be like, "that's not rihanna. some guy is just standing in the corner." "yeah, all i do is work, "work, work. that's all i do." if that happened, you wouldn't trust your celebrity-sighting friends ever again. there is a growing agreement, there is a growing agreement that this looks like an attack conducted by iran, but people are also preaching caution because maybe it was iran's government or maybe it was a rogue element within iran or maybe it was someone trying to flame iran, luke a jealous ex. who knows? so despite mike pompeo's hawkishness and john bolton's walrusness, most foreign governments aren't in a hurry to go to war. but there's another person who also doesn't like the idea of war, and you'll never guess who it is. >> president trump is now playing down the attacks,
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telling "time" magazine, "so far it's been very minor." >> we'll see what happens. they are a much different country today than they were two and a half years ago when i came into office when president obama signed that horrible deal. they were screaming, "death to america." i haven't been hearing that lately. >> president trump has said he doesn't want to go to war. >> mr. president, are we going to war with iran? >> i hope not. >> trevor: i love how the press is waiting outside of his house. "are you going to have a fight with iran?" "i hope not." but, yes, it turns out, president trump is not keen on a war with iran, which i am all for. maybe he thinks this is a bad idea. or maybe he's just worried the military might try to draft him again. "mr. president, we recommend a war against iran." "my bone spurs are back."
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despite his trigger finger, trump is not a fan of trump fingers. unfortunately, there are a lot of people around him trying to change his mind. they're in his ear making the case for possible intervention. >> secretary of state mike pompeo, national security adviser john bolton, who are a lot more hawkish, who want to be more aggressive in their stance toward the iranians. >> last week pompeo went to congress and delivered a presentation arguing this administration could use the same authorization of force the bush white house useed init figt against al qaeda after 9/11. >> trevor: wow. did-- did you pick up what they just said there? 18 years later, mike pompeo and his friends are trying to use 9/11 as an excuse to go to war with another country that had nothing to do with 9/11. that's what they want. yeah. and, i mean, haven't the troops spent enough time in the middle east? bring them home. they deserve it. yeah. just bring them home.
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( cheers and applause ) they deserve to come home. and we deserve to see more of those adorable dog reunion videos. yeah. which, by the way, like, you know there's got to be one dog who just doesn't give a shit, right? there's got to be one dog where the guy is like, "i'm home." and he's like, heeey. larry, right? oh, yeah, i guess you used to live here. all right i'm going to go look at a bird but thank you for your service, i guess?" ( laughter ) look, man, here's the thing, i'm not saying america should never fight wars. that's who you are. i get it. ( laughter ) but do you really think now is the time to start another war? because it almost feels like america does war the same way people do netflix, you know. yeah, we start a bunch of things, but we never really commit. people just hang out, "oh, my god, you know what i heard could be great. this new war iran." but people are like, "oh, but wait, we still need to finish
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iraq. yeah, we still need to finish that. and aren't we still in the middle of syria? whatever happened there. i couldn't follow the plot. there were so many bad guys. by the way, who started niger. is somebody using our account? i just realized we never even finished afghanistan! we started, that like 20 years ago. so what are we going to pick?" "actually, i'm tired. let's just go to bed." ( laughter ) all i'm saying is this, all i'm saying is this: i'm saying i understand can't not fight a war, but instead of going with a streaming model, maybe america should switch back to the old-school dvd player, all right. you can start a new war as soon as you finish the ones you already have. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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unstopables in-wash scent booster ♪ downy unstopables ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." today is a really special day in african american history. and to learn more about it, we warn to roy wood jr. in another
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episode of "c.p. time." ♪ ♪ >> welcome to "c.p. time," the only show that's for the culture. the month of june is a special time in america. it's the start of summer. it's the time allergies wreak havoc on our sinuses, and it's the month my hyperactive child is out of school and back in the house all day. the whole point of having kids is for them to be somewhere else. if i knew my son was going to be around this much, i wouldn't have had him. june is also a special month for black people. because it marks the holiday juneteenth, celebrating when slavery ended on june 19, 1865. man people think slavery was ended in 1863 by abraham lincoln, but many slaves weren't actually freed until two and a half years later, proving that
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even black people's freedom runs on c.p. time. ( laughter ) so in celebration of juneteenth, i'd like to talk about some of the slaves who celebrated their freedom early by escaping from slavery on their own. slaves, like henry brown, a virginian slave who snuck of a wooden crate and shipped himself to philadelphia where he could lives is a free man. the trip took 27 grueling hours. it could have been same bay, but he couldn't afford amazon prime. luckily, henry brown arrived safely in philadelphia and turned his story into a stage act. every night, henry would climb into that same wooden crate to re-enact the arduous journey that carried him to freedom, which was brave of him. i don't know if i could relive a traumatic experience like that over and over again. and i've had bad experiences with packages. ( laughter ) back in the day, i used to work for a moving company.
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one time i moved all of a customer's possessions to the wrong apartment. my customer thought i was a thief, and the people in the apartment thought i was a reverse burglar. ( laughter ) everyone was equally upset. ( laughter ) another slave who took his freedom into his own hands was lewis williams. he actually escaped slavery not once but twice. after his first escape he was caught and brought it trial. but he knot a look-alike to switch places with him in the courtroom. and by the time the courts realized what had happened, lewis had escaped again. although that look-alike was probably just a random black guy if we are being real about. lewis knew those white information can't tell black people apart. just the other day i was mistaken for forest whitaker which would have been flattering but unfortunately he owed this man a substantial amount of money. he whipped my ass for it. you owe me. but ma maybe the most heartwarmg
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escape was that of william and ellen craft, two slaves who got married and decided to run away. because ellen had light skin, they hatched a plan where she dressed in men's clothing and posed as an injured white man. william posed as her servant and the two board a train north. now, being on a train full of white men must have been scary, but i can only assume ellen practiced her white man small tack. "well, yes, fellow white person, i, too, am afraid of the sun. sun blorks sun block, s.p.f., u.v., sun blorks sun block." the next time juneteenth comes remember these stories of heroic slaves which i plan to doae juneteenth celebration in broomington, indiana, this evening. now if qiewl yule excuse me, i have to get there but thank
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brown. somebody push me to the post office. i need to get me a couple of snacks and artichoke dip and pretzels and i'll be on my way. ( applause ) >> trevor: woorks everyone. we'll be right back. while america celebrated the fall of prohibition, jim beam didn't raise a single glass. he wanted his first drink to be of his own bourbon. he didn't have much money. but he did have a few friends. people who were raised the right way. over 120 days, they rebuilt the distillery. and while their names might not be on our bottle... it's because of them, we can raise this bourbon today. jim beam. raised right.
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thanks for the ride-along, captain! i've never been in one of these before, even though geico has been- ohhh. ooh ohh here we go, here we go. you got cut off there, what were you saying? oooo. oh no no. maybe that geico has been proudly serving the military
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for over 75 years? is that what you wanted to say? mhmmm. i have to say, you seemed a lot chattier on tv. geico. proudly serving the military for over 75 years. you ok back there, buddy? with three extrairst absorb channels.r they stay up to three times drier so babies can sleep soundly all night pampers ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show. my guest tonight is an actor and comedian who is the creator and star of the new comedy central sketch series called "alternatino" with arturo castro. >> as of today, we will no longer be detaining undocumented children in cages, and instead we'll be keeping them cage-free. the u.s. government is committed to stealing and imprisoning innocent children in the most humane way possible.
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that's why the minute these kids are ripped from their parents, we put them-- this field. there they can roam free-range, running plain, just having a great time. with only a high-security, electrified fence at the perimeter to confine them for their protection. just look at those happy little buggers. >> trevor: please welcome arturo castro. ( cheers and applause ) >> wow. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you so much. i don't know why i immediately do prayer hands every time. >> trevor: i think it's a sign of humility, that's what it is. >> thank you. >> trevor: i praise you, thank you so much, thank you. thank you for being on the show. >> and thank you for having dimples. >> trevor: yeah, dimples gang. that's the only reason i had you on. that's what i like about this
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guy. >> surgically placed. >> trevor: congratulations on the new show. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: before we get into that i want to talk to you about some of the roles people have seen you from. you are one of my favorite actors. >> oh, thank you. >> trevor: in that you have such a range, genuinely. i remember the first time i saw you was on "broad city." that's where a lot of people love you from. ( cheers and applause ) and then i remember i was watching "narcos" and there was a spoiled brat-- >> terrible. >> trevor: a terrible human beerks the son of like the cartel, one of the guys on the cartel. and i was watching it five or six episodes in, and i was like wait a minute. is that "broad city?" >> it's a version of "broad city." you completely flipped as a character. you had people that had a conspiracy theory that it was the same character. >> that he went into the witness protection program after "narco." i'm done with the violence. i was shooting both shows simultaneously so i was flying back and forth and sometimes there would be torture scenes.
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and i would be like-- and they're like you're doing jaime. hand me a gun so i know what to do with my hands. >> trevor: that was two characters. now you're doing what, 40 characters? >> 42 characters. i did a taste bud in a commercial so let's not forget about that. very versatile then as well. >> trevor: is this a sketch show where you are playing-- we saw a hint of it there. i mean, you cover everything. it's not a political sketch. you do stuff about america. do you stuff about just, like, dating and the world, being latino. do you come up with a show like that? >> my mother calls me and tells me what to do so i'm sticking to that claim. no, i have wonderful writers, a very diverse one, thankfully, and their minds are so creative. the thing about dating scenes, being latino everybody sort of expects you to be suave and like spicy food or be really good at dancing. i'm a terrible dancer.
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i really like mancha. you know, it doesn't go with the vibe. ( laughter ) i've never seen somebody sort of be as neurotic as i am, i think, you know, on television. so i thought i would give a little bit of a spin on that. >> trevor: it doesn't go with the stereotype. >> it doesn't go with the stereotype. i suck at spicy food. i mean, like, really. i'm the dude with the glass of milk at the mexican restaurant. and the waiters walk by, "not cool, not cool." i'm sorry. i'm not a spicy loving guy. >> trevor: what do you think some of the biggest misconceptions about being latino that you come across in america that you try to debunk in the show? >> there's this thing about being ultraviolent or being lazy. the most common misconception is latinos being lazy. where i find latino immigrants to be some of the hardest working people in the worked, right. ( cheers and applause ) they are all latino immigrants! look at them! look at those wonderful faces. there are misconceptions.
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the suaveness are misconceptions. the mamma's boy is completely true. ( laughter ) that one is completely accurate. but i find humor to be a really-- you know, informative tool and an empathy-building tool. so my whole theory is if you see somebody go through something that you can relate to and they don't look like you, maybe next time you see them it will be less boring to you. >> trevor: that's interesting. >> and i really like wearing wigs and putting on dresses and shaving my legs. so it really works out, you know for the type of thing i want to do. >> trevor: it's a really exciting show. the first episode premiered. we're about to see a whole bunch of your comedic talents and your acting. there's got to be one character that you enjoy playing than most who is that one character that you feel like this is secretly arturo, if you couldn't be yourself? >> well, i think the pit bull one was really fun, because i don't do a direct imitation of him. just my interpretation of him. and it's all just me going, i love the lime," you know.
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and it's me going like that for four hours. and the ball cap. we wrote this in l.a., and my writers and i forgot there is this thing called weather, and we shoot a bunch of puerto rico sketches in shorts winter in new york city. this, for pit bull, i was in a bathrobe in long island in january 17, just freezing my ass off. so dahli gets harder to say. and your mouth gets tinier and tinier, so i hope bit bull appreciates the tiny mouth. perspective i'm giving him. >> trevor: pit bull, it was all the weather. it was all the weather, man. >> i'm like what am i talking about? >> trevor: dude,i'm so excited for the show. i'm excited to see you acting out as 42 people plus a taste bud. thank you. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: "alternatino" airs tuesdays at 10:30 p.m. on comedy central. arturo castro, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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