tv The Daily Show Comedy Central August 8, 2019 1:40am-2:15am PDT
- cartman, knock it off! - that's captain cartman, ya jewswoggle. - eric! hey, eric! listen, we want to go home. - what? - me and ike, we been talkin', and, well, guys, we really had it pretty good back in america. i mean, sure, it's easy to think our lives are boring and full of rules, but a lot of people have it way worse. the pirates' life isn't a life of fun and adventure. it's a life of hardship and suffering. when you get down to it, we were pretty lucky to have the lives we did. - [crying] - clyde? - i hate it here. i want to go home! - you guys cannot leave the pirate club now! how can you not want to stay in this paradise we've created? in somalia, people have no laws! they have no rules, and they never grow old! - they never grow old because they die before they're 30! - nobody's going anywhere!
i'm the captain of this outfit! [whistles] to arms! [guns cocking] now, is there any question who's in charge? i have an entire pirate crew willing to do anything for me! - all right, men, remember, do not hit the white ones! - me and my crew are gonna go on piratin' forever! [silenced gunshots] - clear. - the [bleep]? captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "the daily show" with trevor noah.
(cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody, thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. as always, thank you for coming out. i'm trevor noah. tonight we have two guests joining us on the show, first we'll be joined by one of the 72 people running for president of the united states, senator michael bennet is here, everybody. that is going to be a lot of fun. (applause). >> trevor: and then from the netflix hit shows "russian dolls" and "orange is the new black" natasha lyonne is joining us, everybody. also on tonight's showed, math goes viral, texas cops do the worst old town road remix and joe biden is coming for your gun. so let's catch up on today's headlines. >> over the past week the nation
has been divided over a range of topics. racism, guns, live action, lion king versus an nature-- animated i lion king and now this. >> there is a sumpel math problem designed for fourth grade ares but it is causing quite a division on social media. some twitter users have gone mad trying to figure out this equation t is 8 divided by 2 and in parenthesis 2 plus 2-rbgs seems simple enough but it is divided the internet and our newsroom. >> i have been told the answer is number one, although i bet you that is disputed because the other half of it it the people say 16. >> 16. >> i got one. >> it would have been one a hundred years ago but now the answer is 16. >> pirro: okay. the fact that basic math problems are a viral debate shows you how bad america's education system has become. because you realize this isn't a perception thing like the dress or yanny or laurel, right. it is math. so there is a right answer here and a wrong answer. you have 8 divided by 2, that is
four. and then parenthesis 2 plus 2 is four, and then four divided by-- i don't want to waste your time, everyone knows the answer, we all know the answer. and i know some people right now are like who cares, man, who cares, why do we even immediate these equations in daily life. we never use this in daily life. that is where you are wrong, you need to know this kind of stuff, you use it in the real world, every time you eat at a restaurant with a bunch of friends there is always a fight when you have to split the bill but not if you know the math, the bill is 150 and there is eight of us, but in parenthesis you ate all the nachos with the extra cheese. so you owe $16 and i oh one. (laughter) it it works. it works. all right, let's move on from division to multiplication. because you know how it feels like traffic has gotten a lot worse over the past few years. well now we know who to blame. >> uber and lyft are admitting
what cities have been saying about them for years, they make traffic a lot worse. >> a study commissioned by both companies looked at six major cities. uber and lyft accounted for more than 10% of what they call vehicle miles in some areas. and one-third of those miles came without a passenger. >> now one study in san francisco found uber and lyft may have caused traffic it double, that is double during a two year period. >> trevor: that's right. in some cities there are so many uber and lyft cars on the road that it has caused traffic it double. partly because so many cars drive around empty. and partly because they go around the block four times even though i put in the exact address. why is st so hard to find an address. fedex can find my address, dominoes can find my address, my illegitimate child found my address twice because is he persistent like his father, whoever that may be. but show uber always gets lost.
and honestly i done know how we are going to fix this thing because traffic is becoming a problem. but at the same time we all use these ubers to get places, but because of uber there is extra traffic so we can't get places and with will be plate for work which means we will get fired, which means we have to get a job as an uber driver macking the traffic even worse, it never ends. uber has said to try and alleviate traffic they invented uber pool, we go together. and a step further they have another service for nearby called uber stride. you put the address into your fon and you just walk there, you lazy piece of shti. -- shit. just walk, we don't need ubers all the time. we can just walk. (applause) yeah. and then afterwards you can rate yourself, you can be like two stars, i talk too much. all right, moving on. police in america are learning every day that some of the practices they consider normal are not exactly great when dealing with other human beings. and this story out of texas is just the latest example.
>> incomes tonight outrage over a pair of widely viewed photos of mounted police officers leading a man down the street with a rope after arresting him in texas. >> authorities say a police vehicle was not available at the time. galveston's african-american police chief apologized to neily and called an incident an unnecessary embarrassment, adding this is a trained technique and best practice in some scenarios but that the officer showed poor judgment in this instance. >> trevor: poor judgment? poor judge sment an underestimate. -- understatement. if are you doing something in 2019 that could be a scene from da t django unchained, you should probably think again. and also why are american police still on horseback, is this 1865. what is this, because you rellize there is to good way to arrest someone when you are riding a horse, whether you are leading by a rope or throw him over the back trk is always going to look racists, it is the least complicated equation, cop plus black person plus horse equals racism, that is always
what it is. it is always going to be that. (applase) if you absolutely have to arrest someone with a horse, and you don't want it to be racist, the only way you can do that is put the person behind you and just have them hold you romantically. that should be best practice, just like you have the right to remain silent, no, you have the right to remain silent. all right, that is it for the headlines. let's' move on to our top story. (applause) with america still reeling from the double mass shootings over the weekend, president trump today met with survivors and first responders in both cities, still recovering from the tragedy. dayton ohio and el paso, texas. but before he left, the president answered questions about how he plans to deal with guns and the threat of white supremacy in the united states. >> i think there is a great appetite to do something with
regard to making sure that mentally unstable, seriously ill people aren't carrying guns. >> how concerned are you about the rise of white supremacy and what are you going to do about it. >> i am concerned about the rise of any group of hate, i don't like it any group of hate, i am-- whether it is white supremacy, whether it is any other kind of supremacy, i am very concerned about it and i will do something about it. >> trevor: any other kind of supremacy? what other kind of supremacy is trump concerned about? that's right, we're under threat from white supremacy and the bourne supremacy, very confusing plot. so confusing. (laughter) you know what i find interesting about donald trump, i don't think he's ever worn a t-shirt, but also have you noticed how he seems to go out of his way not to single out white supremacists, he really goes out
of his way, after charlottesville he was like well technically, everyone was being violent t wasn't just them, and now he's saying is he against white supremacy and other supremacy. even though the fbi specifically warned americans about white supremacy. just doesn't want to single them out which is not very comfort-- comforting, you foe, like if your girlfriend asks baby, do you love me and your response is yeah, yeah, i love everyone, i love you, i love my mom, i love-- love, love, i love people, i love all mailmen, i, i, i, it is not going to make you feel good. so from what we have seen so far, it doesn't look like trump is willing to take the lead in pushing for gun regulation or combating white supremacy which is why the democratic presidential candidates are using this opportunity to show that they can lead. so let's catch up on everything dem related in another installment of world war d. (applause). >> david: in. >> trevor: in the days
following some of mark's deadliest mass shooting, the democrats have all come out say why they think they would each be the best leader to stop gun violence. even though they disagree on who it should be, one thing they can agree is there is one person who definitely shouldn't be in the white house. >> it is very clear that this kind of hate is being legitimized from on high. >> donald trump is responsible for this. he's responsible because he is stoking fears and hatred and bigotry. >> he has based his entire political career on fanning the flames of bigotry and division and hate. >> what he has got to understand is that when you have language that is racist, there are mentally unstable people in this country who see that as a sign to do terrible, terrible things. >> we're living through a rare moment in this nation's history where our president has more in common with george wallace than he does with george washington.
>> whoa, whoa, that's not fair. donald trump has lots in common with george washington. they both have major beefs with the u.k they both buy their wigs from the same place. (laughter) washington chopped down a cherry tree. i'm pretty sure trump also hates flute. lots of similarities. but beyond blaming trump, the democrats have released a series of proposals for how they would stop guns from getting too the hands of white supremacists or people who are just deranged. many of their proposals are similar, thins look universal background check, closing loopholes and replacing bult ets with flags that say bang. but because these are frontrunner all eyes have been on joe biden and it didn't get off to a great start because while people were still mocking trump for consoling victims in toledo instead of dayton, joe biden came out and one-upped trump by messing up both cities offering up his cities to houston and michigan. yeah, i feel like at this rate the debates will ends up with
both men wandering out in their bath robes totally confused. just be like are you my grandson, i thought you were my grandson. sir, this was about tax cuts. so after ta gaffe, biden had to make a mensd. which is why he went a step further than just background checks and in an interview with anderson cooper proposed this. >> joe biden has come out for a very large federal gun buy-back program and an assault weapons ban. >> to gun owners out there who say a biden administration means they will come for my guns. >> bingo, you are right if you have an assault weapon. the fact of the mat certificate they should be illegal, period. >> trevor: man, joe biden. (applause) whoa. that's a bold statement. normally democrats when they are asked a question, they are like it is not a ban, we are not going to come from the gunment but biden is like bingo, i see your ass at midnight. so the democrats are coming after trump, they are also
planning to come after guns and you can tell they are fired up about these issues because they are kussing look all the kids today. >> the republicans need to quite frankly get their shit together and stop pandering to the nra because people are getting killed. >> senator cory booker quote is such a bullshit soup of infectionive words, this is so weak. >> mitch mcconnell needs to get off his ass and do something. people are getting killed in the streets in america, and nobody is acting, nobody. >> is there anything in your mind the president can do to make this et abouter. >> what do you think? you know the [bleep] he has been saying. he has been calling mexican immigrants rapists and criminals. i don't know, like, members of 9 press, what the [bleep]? >> trevor: damn. who are these democrats? huh? i hope these guys are raising a lot of campaign because they owe a lot of money to the swear jar. >> we got the eff bomb, shits,
ass, even a bullshit soup from cory booker there is already a name for bullshit soup called gazpacho. how do you call yourself a soup if you aren't even wayne, it is the main thing, gazpacho isn't warm t say tomorrow at he o smoothie, if you want to eat soup, fine, but you have to chew like the rest of us, sorry, i digress. the point is i can see why these democrats are frustratedment i can see why they are cursing, because thanks to mass shootings americans are living in a state of terror and lawmakers don't seem to want to get anything done. so clearly america is long overdue a serious conversation about guns. when that is done, i am coming for you gazpacho. see your ass at midnight, we'll be right back. be right back. (applause)
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one of may favorite people to watch on the debate. for two reasons, you sound like mr. macky to me. and two, your policies are progressive and like you think about kids, you have this idea of america that is really attractive to many people. and that's what i wanted to start the conversation in and around. a lot of people may know you as someone who is on the edge of a debate stage. >> a lot of people do, yeah. >> trevor: right, they do. but, but when it comes to policy and in the senate, and in running and writing laws for this country, many people regard you as a senatorial rock star, why do you think that is? >> maybe because the bar is as low as it it is. i-- -- no. >> trevor: i done think that is true. >> i would like to not think that is the reason. it is because i believe fundamentally all of us have been sent will to make progress. we have toç make progress, as y friend lamar alexander who is i
a ep republican is, if you want to stick to your opinion you might as well stay home and be on the radio. there is no reason to come to the national legislature to do the work. (applause) and i-- and i have been able to do some things. we rewrote the elementary and secondary school act, nobody knows about that, but we got rid of no child left behind. and in 2013 with john mccain and some others i wrote the immigration bill that donald trump seems to have completely forgotten, passed the senate with 68 voteds and if we could just get back to that work we could address the problem instead of trying to build an ineffective, medieval wall. (applause). >> trevor: one of your break through moments in this run undoubtedly was a tweet that you recently sent out. that made beaches and we will pull it up here, from the tweet you say if you elect me president, i promise you won't have to think about me for two weeks at a time. i will do my job watching out for north korea and ending this trade war so you can go back to raising your kids and live your
lives. (applause). >> trevor: that is a really interesting pitch because basically what you are saying is vote for me cuz i will be boring and get the job done. >> yeah. and it is a job. it is the most important job in the world. and we have got a reality tv star in the job. and es-- and that's no good but he's happy to play that part-of-every single day. and i think the american people would feel liberated if they could get up in the morning, not wondering who the president of the united states was attacking by his tweets, not wondering who the president of the united states was trying to divide but knowing that we had a president who is trying to unite our country and who actually was doing his job. which is important (applause). >> trevor: if everything went your way and you found yourself in the white house, you would now have what many consider the unenviable task of working with the senate that may or may not
be still including mitch mcconnell, running the show, how would you begin that? because he is still going to be there [bleep] blocking things. so what would your plan be. >> by the way, i had to sign a release from my daughter who is 15 to be here tonight. and now i know why. (laughter) (applause) >> but it was the swearing democrats. >> trevor: the swearing democrats, not me. >> look, i want to be very clear about this, and everybody needs to understand this. we were broken before dn all trump arrived. that is one of the reasons he was sent there. and they didn't let barack obama get anything done in the legislature and congress for the last six years he was there. we have to fix that problem. and i would never say that we should be as malleflent or cynical as mitch mcconnell is he. he is the most mall ef lent and cynical mern in washington but we do need to be as strategic as
he is. washington will not fix itself. mitch mcconnell will not fix himself. it st something that the country is going to have to come together in a unified way to overcome a broken washington. and if that sounds hard to do, it is no harder than the work that generations of other americans have done, to try to perfect the democracy that we are living. as you said the other day, it is totally true. what we are about is trying. and that is what we have to kep doing. we ve no right to expect it will be easy. it is never been easy. >> right. >> to make this country more democratic, more fair, more free. it has always been hard. and our job is going to be hard. but it's going to involve every single one of them t is the opposite of a president who says i want to fix it we have perfected the craft in our nationl politics of getting nothing done and blaming the other side. we are exslebts at that. we don't need another ten years of that. (applause). >> trevor: thank you so much
for being on the show. senator michael bennet, everybody. (applause) we'll be right back. i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill, too. but it's not birth control. it's truvada for prep®, a once-daily prescription medicine for adults that, when taken every day along with using safer sex practices, can help lower my chances of getting hiv through sex. i use condoms. but i talked to my doctor about doing more. he said that because i had a higher chance of getting hiv through sex, truvada for prep could be an option for me. she also told me that truvada alone may not keep me from getting hiv. and it does not prevent other stis or pregnancy. you must be hiv-negative to take truvada for prep.
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but it is here. thanks, captain obvious. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com and get rewarded basically everywhere. why are you here? why are you here? why are either of you here?! hotels.com. be there. do that. get rewarded. i was inspired by nature's finest ingredients to create new pure leaf herbal iced tea. it's juicy, peach, flavor and hibiscus crafted just for you. new pure leaf herbals. blooming with flavor and naturally caffeine free. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome back it the callee show, my guest tonight san emmy nominated actor, writer and directer who cocreated and stars in the critically acclaimed netflix series russian dolls. >> i am back at the party.
i try to leave, you know. fall down the stairs, break my neck, again, right. so i die, i die, i die, i die, four times. >> you were such a difficult teenager. >> trevor: please welcome natasha lyonne. (applause). >> trevor: welcome to the daily show. >> thank you, sir. >> trevor: let me start with the most important thing, congratulations mot just on the 13 nominations for the show but the three that you have received personally. >> thank you. >> trevor: 13 emmy nominations.
(applause) that is a pretty big deal. >> yeah, it's good also because it is a number i like. you know, if are you not going to get 666, that is 666, you want 13. >> trevor: you want the 13. >> yeah. >> trevor: it is a show about bad luck that is like turn nag good luck for you. >> yeah. >> trevor: the show russian dolls swept everybody. i remember everybody saying have you watched russian dolls, and everyone would spoil it for telling me to watch it but they they are about this person she dies every day and comes back every day. the show really connects with people, even though it is dark and sometimes it is funny and sometimes it is really dramatic. why do you think people love the show this much? >> well, first of all, i mean it is overwhelming because you work so hard. and just the idea that you are like so metic lusly constructing and writing it and trying to-- the idea that people are seeing that, is huge. st a revolutionary. and as a creator, it feels very warm, nice thing. >> trevor: right.
>> and yeah, i mean i think that we're in a crazy time, you know, in this country. and i think that you know, we really try to tell the truth the best way we could. and it to talk about big ideas and sort of the heart of the matter. and so i think you know, maybe that that sort of accounts for some of the response to it is that we are hungry for that kind of story telling in this moment. >> it is interesting how your character travels through this journey where in the first episode i remember watching and she is very just like yeah, whatever is happening. >> i call that my pesci move. >> trevor: yeah, very, you know, and then it becomes like at first it is frustration and then it becomes a deeper search for meaning. it seems like what we all have as human beings. i feel like that is what i have watched you do as a fan of yours in life. >> thank you. >> trevor: genuinely because i fell in love with your acting in american pie, that is when i first fell in love with you. >> that was my big big time.
>> trevor: no, really. your humor, your acting, just like the way you come across on camera. and what has changed in your role is you still have that humor. you still have that charisma, but like everything that you touch seems to have a deeper meaning. you have that russian doll and orange is the new black talks about such big ideas. addiction, you know, belonging, the way we treat people who are in prison. being a woman, you know, do you feel your life translating too your work or do you think your work is affecting your life? >> first of all, i'm very flat erred-- flat erred and humbleed by that question, thank you. i do think that there is-- i have always had a sort of philosophical leaning, it is a reason i deeply admire the work and the toont to do orange is the new black, and getting to direct there as well. i mean it has been a really sort of all the things that i care about, but they sort of, i guess i'm just getting older, like the morning of the emmy nominations came in and i was reading a book
to try to distract myself. and as soons alike a text message came through with the good news, i felt my eyes go a little fuzzy like my body relaxed and said get some b,fokals, take it easy, kid. the war is over. lean in to aging. you know. go with brains good luck. >> so i don't know. >> i don't know, you dismiss it, i think everybody gets older but not everybody gets wiser and this is what you have done. the show is a amazing. your acting is amazing. >> thank you so much, trevor. >> trevor: orange is the new black and russian dolls are available on netflix right now. natasha lyonne, everybody, we'll be right back. ahh i forgot the- doctor pepper?! and delicious dr pepper! are you worried your time travel will alter the future? the butterfly effect? nah-ahh. woah-ahh! oh, they're gentle creatures. dr pepper. so nice to treat you!
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