tv The Daily Show Comedy Central August 21, 2019 11:00pm-11:35pm PDT
[trumpet fanfare] - from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents your moment of them: the best of jaboukie young-white. ♪ - hi, i'm jaboukie young-white, "the daily show's" senior rust belt correspondent. jk, i'm gay, and so is pittsburgh. [upbeat techno music] it's pride month, and equality march is the original pittsburgh pride. it has bikers, pups, pups, furries, queens, twunks, drunks, cops, bears, and fish creatures. - pittsburgh pride equality march is for everybody. it doesn't matter who you are, where you work, or who you love.
- and just so you know, we love corporations. viacom, you're great. keep doing what you do. we're really big fans here at "the daily show," viacom. mwah, love you. so the answer is obviously to hug these corporations close, and corporations are hugging right back: google, kpmg, aetna, lyft-- not chick-fil-a-- and here comes the true slay queen, walmart. [all cheering] is walmart gay? - walmart does take pride in their gay associates. as a company, i don't think you can label a company with a sexual orientation. - walmart seems like a top to me. - i--i would--i would agree with that. - i think it's amazing that so many people could come out and just live their truth as a marketable demographic. - for sure, and they've really made it, like, a safe for everybody, i think, for us too, so... - yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%. it's like, "here i am. i'm queer. i have a debit card." - everyone's gay as hell now. and gays love money, bitch. you know that, so... - so queer capitalism is totally chill. actually, there is a specific issue
with corporate sponsorship in pittsburgh, and it involves the f-word. no, not that. fracking. - there's a lot of corporations that are seemingly buying. last year, this march was called the eqt equality march. eqt doesn't stand for equality. it stands for--they're a fracking company. - do you think that it's appropriate that a fracking company is the sponsor for pittsburgh pride? - lol. i think that it is completely inappropriate that a fracking company is a sponsor for anything. - eqt doesn't just shoot hot liquid deep into holes in the ground. they also swing both ways by supporting pride and various antigay politicians. so what are people supposed to do, have a separate pride without corporate sponsors? some say frack yes. - this pride event represents the people, noncorporational pride, something that centers rtlgbtq communities of pittsburgh. - do you think corporations can be gay people? - no, corporations cannot be gay people. - the people's pride is noncorporate,
has more color in its rainbow, and i found someone who can keep up with my moves. but are they turning their back on progress? don't you think it's beautiful that queer people have been able to come out and live their truth as a marketable, capitalizing demographic? - no. [laughs] i would think it would be beautiful if those actions were genuine. they want to be a part of what's trending right now, and right now, being gay is trendy, you know. "pose" is out, and there are lots of gay celebrities now. - could you name a couple, by any chance, if there's any? - so off the top of my head right now, big freedia. there's dashaun wesley and leiomy maldonado. - okay, all right. they don't even want my brand. this is where i draw the line. there has to be some way for corporations like eqt to prove that they're really committed and not just experimenting. like, maybe they just need to show that they're really about queer subculture in, like, a more inventive, creative way. - i'm afraid where you're going with this. - i thought that maybe this could really get across the message of what eqt stands for.
it's like drilling but also... - it's a little fast. - with a--with a-- - could you slow it down-- [chuckling] oh. eh, maybe that. - that's right, progress takes time. 50 years ago, corporations wouldn't touch the gay community, and now they can't wait to show their love in public. and what better way to reciprocate that love than with the eqt varispeed deep fracking drilldo, brought to you by eqt. [cheers and applause] [upbeat hip-hop music] - so in the last 48 hours, the president has gotten in fights with congress, the press, and twitter, and, look, we can't help him with the first two, but we do have someone who can help him out online, so please welcome someone who's on twitter right now, jaboukie young-white! [cheers and applause] - oh, hey. what's up? [wild cheers and applause] thanks, trevor. okay, look, i never say this,
but i feel bad for donald trump. i mean, like, clearly, he's in a social media rut, and we've all been there. your retweet count is down. your takes are getting cold. you just got unfollowed by rihanna. [laughter] - wait, jaboukie, did you just get unfollowed by rihanna? - [choked up] i don't wanna talk about it right now, trevor. i just need to give trump some advice real quick, okay? mr. president, if you want to get more followers, you gotta switch it up, man. i mean, first of all, you're too thirsty. like, look at all those capital letters. [laughter] stop shouting. nothing screams "i'm desperate for attention" like tweeting in all caps. you gotta play that shit cool, right? put everything in lowercase. "like, i don't know, i mean, "i guess we could do a muslim ban or not. i don't really give a [bleep]." [laughter] "i'm chill, you know?" second, no one wants to hear about "fox & friends" or all that old people shit. tweet about shows people actually watch, you know,
like that show with the black baby or whatever that gets kidnapped by mandy moore but then it turns out being a good thing. [laughter] - you're talking about "this is us"? - oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. oh, my god, every time i watch that show, i'm like, "damn, this is us," you know? [laughter] it's dope. and speaking of us, there's one thing that will boost trump's followers: he needs to become a part of black twitter. it's the only gated community that he's not allowed in. - okay, okay, slow down, jaboukie. come on, like, that's something that's never gonna happen, man. - trevor, have some faith, man. if trump wants to be on black twitter, he's gotta change that profile pic. i mean, look at those dry-ass lips. [laughter] black people will never trust someone that ashy. [laughter] it looks like he's been making out with an urn, you know, like... [laughter] get yourself some lotion and glow the [bleep] up.
[laughter and applause] and while you're at it, i don't know, maybe get some earbuds, a new barber. you know what, just change your overall look, all right? [laughter] - jaboukie young-white, everybody! we'll be right back. dude, you can't be-- you gotta be-- [bombastic hip-hop music] ♪ boom goes the dynamite, club yoko plays ] ♪ feels like i'm taking flight. ♪ [sfx: poof] [sfx: squeaking eraser sound effect.] ♪ i am who i wanna be ♪ ♪ who i wanna be ♪ who i wanna be. ♪ i'm a strong individual ♪ feeling that power ♪ i'm so original, ♪ ya sing it louder. ♪ i am, ooo ooo ooo ooo ♪ ehhh ehhh ehhh pre-order and get more. get up to $150 samsung credit,
[cheers and applause] i know that millennials right now think socialism is totally on trend. i popped some molly and hit the street to find out why even though the olds hate it, the kids love socialism. - uh, i think socialism is great. i think you should definitely help whoever you could at any situation. - i [bleep] with socialism just 'cause i [bleep] with anything that's helping black people out. - okay. so you're socialism curious. - yeah, a little. i'm in college. - do you hate billionaires? - low-key, yeah. you look at jeff bezos. he doesn't look human. - i mean, i think the idea of socialism is...on point. i mean, i don't really know what socialism is, to be completely honest with you, - oh, it's okay. we're all confused. if there were only someone we could talk to, someone with some deep experience on the subject. when i started doing this sort of piece on socialism, i knew that there was really only one politician who i can talk to about it, so i guess my question is, do you know aoc? - sure. - and what's her availability? like, if you could put us in touch, maybe? - [stammering] you want to speak to her?
- yeah, maybe. oh, i just figured, you know. - [laughs] - seriously, you can't talk socialism in america without going to the og, senator bernie sanders. - i believe in a society where all people do well, not just the handful of billionaires. - could he be the oldest millennial in america? i admit it: democratic socialism looks pretty fine on his tinder profile, but are we gonna vibe when we meet irl? - if you go to countries like denmark or sweden, gonna see very little poverty. you could leave your job. you could start a new business. you and your family still have health care as a right. - so i could quit "the daily show" and be fine. - absolutely. - well, it was great meeting with you. - [laughs] - all right, that's a wrap. so under president bernie, we'd be more european, like denmark or narnia. but try telling that to the haters. - it's a terrible system. it's never worked. and in order for it to work at all, you gotta kill several million people to make it work. [dark musical flourish] - karol markowicz has written on why socialism needs to be canceled forever period.
- millennials have been raised in such prosperous times. they just think that, "oh, we can make it even better with this insane plan to share the resources." - you know, i would love capitalism if it just weren't for all the sick people and all the poor people who can't afford health care. is there a way for me to enjoy capitalism without those things? - if the solution is socialism, it's gonna make us all equal in our poverty. - but if everyone is poor, isn't that kind of cool 'cause we're all experiencing the same thing? so it'll be like, "hey, like, the bread line was extra long today," and i'd be like, "oh, my god, yeah, it was. that guy is super observant and, like, funny." - not so much, no. i was born in the soviet union. my great-grandfather was killed in a gulag because he owned a business and socialists decided that was no longer legal. - that's truly horrific. would bernie be sending small business owners to forced labor camps?
- obviously, soviet union was an authoritarian society with no democratic rights, and i think if you know history, you'll know that democratic socialists stood up and fought against that. you can look about what existed in the soviet union or in venezuela. that is not what i'm talking about at all. - so no one's going to the gulag. well, except-- no. [laughter] - okay. fact check: the examples of failed socialism that critics use are not socialist democracies but authoritarian states led by corrupt, ruthless, and paranoid dictators, but i do have one real problem with socialism: i like money. you know, tv's going kind of good for me right now, and i'm thinking of writing a successful book. is socialism still for me if i'm a millennial millionaire? - i mean, it depends on what's your heart. if what you say in your life is, "all i wanna do is make "as much money as i possibly can and screw everything else. i don't give a damn." yeah, no, i don't think democratic socialism is your cup of tea. but if you have a decent heart
and you say, "look, i'm doing really well. "but you know what? "i also want to be a contributor "to the well-being of society, so i'm gonna pay my fair share of taxes." - wow, i can have my cbd-infused gluten-free cake and eat it too? i'm liking this socialism thing more and more, and bernie made me feel so good, i decided to share something. i brought you a present. - that's cool. - so... - all right, anticipating. oh-ho! that's beautiful. - thank you. i made it myself. when you are elected president, where do you think you're gonna put this in the white house? - someplace, i don't know the exact room, but it's beautiful and i thank you for it. - you're welcome, bernie. enjoy. [cheers and applause] [bombastic hip-hop music]
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[upbeat rock music] ♪ - if you've been following the jussie smollett story, you know that a few weeks ago, the "empire" actor said he was attacked by racist trump supporters, who beat him up, tied a rope around his neck, and poured bleach on him. for more on this crazy emerging story, we're joined now by our senior culture correspondent jaboukie young-white, everybody! [cheers and applause]
jaboukie, you've been following this story from the start, and now that it looks like it may have been staged, are you surprised? - i'm not surprised, but i'm disappointed, you know. this story's been weird for me, trevor. as a gay person, i'm used to speaking on gay issues. as a black person, i'm used to speaking on black issues. but i'm not used to them intercepting, except when, like, someone's like, "as a gay black person, do you think i could pull off these shoes?" [laughter] or, like, if rupaul robbed a bank, that'd be the only other time. [laughter] - that actually is true. you're looking at this as a gay person and as a black person. - and i'm also a part of a third community that has been devastated by this: the actor community, trevor. [laughter] because of jussie, everyone's gonna think actors are liars now, which, technically, we are because, like, that's our job, but still, you know? and on top of that, i look like him. - well, actually, i don't really think you look like him. - mm, to white people, i do. [laughter] and hopefully to whoever is casting
the jussie smollett lifetime movie... [laughter] [applause] because... [cheers and applause] this story was made for lifetime, you know? we're still piecing together leaks from the chicago police department and more reliable sources like "tmz." [laughter] but you couldn't have written a crazier plot. i mean, trump supporters who watch "empire." a death threat letter made out of magazine clippings. that's so dated, you know? everyone knows if you're sending a death threat, you post that shit on twitter. - well, jaboukie, i think you're getting ahead of yourself, though. the big question now is, like, why? why would jussie smollett do something like this? - i don't know why he did it, man. i mean, if he wanted to raise awareness for lgbtq rights, he should have just donated money. if he wanted attention, he could have just leaked his nudes. and if he wanted to hang out with two guys at 2:00 a.m., grindr is right there. - okay, but here's what i'm worried about, thought. won't this make it harder for victims of real hate crimes to come forward and get justice?
- not really because that would have required people to have cared about queer people, specifically queer black people, in the first place. - whoa, jaboukie, that's a strong statement. i think most people do care. - trevor, you clearly haven't heard of the gay trans panic defense. it's a totally admissible legal defense where someone can get a lighter sentence for killing a gay or transperson by claiming the victim hit on them. - are you being serious? - yes. no, in 47 states, including new york, someone could beat a gay person like me to death and then go, "well, i don't know. he wanted to suck my dick." and you know what? maybe i did. [laughter] but that's still not a good reason, you know? i mean, imagine if women could use that defense. there'd be no men left. [laughter] none. [cheers and applause] none. and then...i don't know. who would be left to buy all the three-in-one body wash, shampoo, and conditioner? - well, some of us are busy. we don't have time for lots of products, okay?
but, anyway, this is--this is obviously unfortunate on so many levels. what is your takeaway going forward? - honestly, trevor, i think that this is a teaching moment for us all, and, personally, i've learned one really valuable lesson, which is that actors should not write their own projects. i mean, this thing had way too many plot holes. he totally miscast the villains. i mean, two nigerian trump supporters? [laughter] like, you can't just cast black people as racist white people. this isn't "hamilton." [laughter] [applause] now if you'll excuse me, i've got an audition to prepare for. i hear there's a new role that might be opening up on "empire." [cheers and applause] ♪ - here's your salary for the week, jussie. [light piano music] - what? [chuckles] $60,000?
i've worked three days this week. - maybe you're not as important as you think. - [sobs] [crying] it's not enough! it's just not enough. [ominous music] - his poverty drove him to crime. ♪ - i'm so important on this show, i'm getting death threats. [dramatic musical flourish] - wow, this is shocking. you're actually getting fan mail. so cool. - they didn't take him seriously enough... - they don't take me seriously enough. - so he came up with a plan that would change his life forever. - what is wrong, jussie? - i'm sorry, nigerian trainer. i can't concentrate. i sent myself a death threat letter at work. nobody cared. - why would no one care? you are famous. - and gay.
- what if that letter was real and a trump supporter beat you up in the street because you are famous? - and gay. - i know what i need to do. i need to find a maga trump supporter and get him to beat me up in the streets, and then i'll make more money. - but, jussie, where would you find trump supporters willing to participate in this risky scheme? [chuckles] - i'm looking at 'em right now. [laughter] i'm talking about you guys! - and so the plot was hatched. - i have the hat and the noose so that everyone knows i am racist. - good. [claps] good job. good job. you got it. - and i brought the bleach. - bleach, why? - i am so racist that i want to turn black people white. [laughter] - critics are calling it the performance of the year. - mmm, i love eating sandwiches at 2:00 a.m.
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- look, no matter how many times trump says mexico will pay for the wall, that's clearly not happening. but i see why trump has this fantasy. imagine how cool it would be to get away with buying whatever you want with imaginary mexican money. - if you want to change the world, you need substance and style. this is the one. now i can afford looks that are as sharp as my ideas with my a-mexican express card. [loud beep] - oh, um, yeah, there's no money on this. - yeah, mexico's paying for it. [laughter] - that makes no [bleep]ing sense. - with my a-mexican express card, all my purchases are covered...somehow. damn. it's super expensive and it's not gonna protect me at all, but who cares? mexico's got this. - i'm sorry, what do you mean mexico's gonna pay for it? - are they gonna write us a check?
- check? no. i take the clothes now, and then mexico pays you back indirectly. with the a-mexican express card, nothing's out of reach, no matter how stupid. - come on, man, you gotta pay for that. - it's already paid for itself. - no. no, it hasn't. - the a-mexican express card: don't buy stuff you don't need without it. - sir! sir! [cheers and applause] [bombastic hip-hop music] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> david: hey, guys, here is an interesting news story. kanye west's neighbors called the cops on him because the construction was so loud on these domes he is biddin building on his
property -- now, i ain't saying he is a dome builder -- what's the? i shouldn't say it? all right. "lights out" starts now. >> amazing! >> whatever! >> announcer: and now, david spade! [applause and cheering] >> david: thank you! [applause and cheering] >> david: hey! thank you, guys! [applause and cheering] >> david: all right. guys, thanks for coming. let's get right at the good stuff. today is national brazilian blowout day. i don't know if that a martial arts move or a puke thing