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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  August 23, 2019 1:40am-2:15am PDT

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aah! i'm blind! catch! oh. you want help, sorry. man, hurry up! i can't hold this bear! ugh! k, i got you. it's not even a problem, baby. hold fast! oh, wait, it's not working. "firmware update?" uh, yes. i mean no! no! [ screaming ] illinois has under-funded pensions, police, public defenders, dmv staff. somebody's got to pay. but not bluto. please don't. the system's asking me to solve its own problem. ew! oh! ooh. update complete. i'm tired. you guys definitely look tired. it's been a long day. it's time for somebody to make the right decision around here. and uh... guess what, boys? you both win. [ k and q snoring ] i said you both... that's a damn shame. america is supposed to give everybody an equal shot,
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but the reality is, some of us don't even get a look at the basket. because there's nothing more expensive... than being broke. wow. that was beautiful. hmm. sometimes in court, i actually learn something, feel something. today is one of those days. 60 days in jail, sentence suspended based on time served. go home. but i had a clean record. i don't care. but i do, your honor. [ crowd gasping ] before you render judgment, i have one thing i have to say. nay, two things. firstly, i bested adam bethune in a tennis match. take that, bethune! bethune the buffoon! -mr. gayle? if y'all knew him, y'all would be dying right now. secondly, my former client inspired me with his words earlier today that were, "my life is on the line, homey!" i ain't say no shit like that.
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it was something in that vein. here's the point. it reminded me of a previous case where someone else's life was on the line -- colby v. hughes. -oh, jesus. that's right. prosecution failed to introduce the actual tickets into evidence. the case should be dismissed. case dismissed. whoo-hoo! ron harper. my man! my man! you got a clean record, my man. you shaped up. thank you. he could have text that to me three hours ago. you hear what i'm saying? walking in here looking like john blackenroe. you're wrong, man. you're wrong, dude. the planetarium is so not worth the price of admission anymore. think about it. hey, you know i won that repo-off, right? man, you didn't win shit. ah, yeah, yes, i did. seriously. don't be late for work. ♪ i-i-i was born on the south side ♪ ♪ south side male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york...
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"the daily show with trevor noah" presents: [boisterous trap music] ♪ "crazy rich nation." ♪ - robert kraft. last month, the billionaire new england patriots owner was charged with paying for hand jobs at a florida massage parlor. well today, he might've gotten his happy ending. - just in, an offer is now on the table for new england patriots owner robert kraft, who is charged with two counts of solicitation in connection with a south florida day spa. prosecutors have offered to drop those charges if kraft admits he would've been found guilty at trial. - this would also include some punishment. it would include 100 hours of community service, an education course about prostitution, and a screening for stds. [laughter] - a screening for stds? like, what is all of this? rich people get deals that i've never heard of.
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"admit you would have been found guilty and we'll let you go"? [bleep] outta here, man! [laughter] at least make him admit it in a room full of eagles fans, then we'll see some punishment, you know? this is insane! "we'll only let you go if you're guilty!" what? like, rich people are already living in another world. and also, he has to take an education course about prostitution? [laughter] uh, if you've read the reports, he should be the professor, okay? [laughter] the guy has hands-on experience, if you know what i mean. ♪ the college admissions scandal. for the past few weeks, the whole country has been rocked by the news that hundreds of parents have been accused of bribing their kids' way into america's elite colleges, and also usc. and now-- [audience groans and laughs] and now, some of the people involved are beginning to face the consequences. - breaking news: a major college scandal. the feds bust up a large-scale scheme
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helping students cheat on their college entrance exams to get into top schools. - two of those parents accused are actresses felicity huffman and lori loughlin. both have been charged with felonies for conspiracy to commit mail fraud. - holy crap. this is insane! the fbi has just busted dozens of rich parents for bribing colleges to accept their kids. and not just any rich people, some celebrities. i'm so disappointed in you, aunt becky. [laughter] i mean, i expected this from a desperate housewife, but you? [laughter] now, details of the scandal are still coming in, but already, some of the allegations are mind-blowing, all right? felicity huffman allegedly paid $15,000 to help her daughter get in to top schools. and aunt becky, get this, allegedly paid $500,000 to get her daughter into usc. honestly, for that amount of money, just buy a smarter kid. [laughter] now, the alleged mastermind of this entire scheme
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is a man named william singer, all right? parents paid him millions of dollars and then he spread those bribes around. - according to prosecutors, the scheme involved two kinds of fraud. parents paying a college prep organization to help their children cheat on sat or act exams, and others paying to allegedly bribe college coaches to help admit the students as athletes regardless of their athletic skill. - singer went as far as to photoshop kids' pictures into sporting events, even made up athletic achievements. - in one instance, a parent sending this photo showing their daughter playing water polo in high school, but in fact the photo was another student. - oo-wee! the balls on these people! [laughter] to just literally photoshop their kids' faces onto the bodies of real athletes. and i also can't believe nobody noticed this. 'cause the parent was just there, like, "we're so proud of our little joshua. "he is, like, here is during the state championship game"...
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[laughter] "and here he is in the spring when he won the gold medal at the track meet." [laughter] so, reportedly--reportedly, these college coaches would take bribes to pretend that they needed these "non-athletes" on their teams, and then once the kids got into the school, the kids would just never play. - a wiretapped transcript details a father and singer creating a plan to trick usc into thinking his son was a football kicker. the father, laughing, telling singer, "that's just totally hilarious," admitting his son's high school "doesn't have a football team." - the fbi says some parents disguised their payments to singer as contributions to a charity he ran so they could deduct the payments on their income taxes. - wow. wow. [audience groans] so not only were they laughing about scamming these schools; it turns out they were also scamming the irs. how greedy can a person be? 'cause, i mean, they're already committing bribery,
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and then on top of that, they claim it was to charity to get their bribes back from the irs? like, they just added a bonus crime to the crime that they already committed. that was not necessary. it's like you're robbing a bank and on the way out, you start stealing the pens. "while i'm here..." [laughter] meh! so these parents could be facing some pretty serious time. um, knowing them, they're probably trying to bribe their way into the best prisons, you know? they're probably like, "why should you accept me into your prison? "well, i actually ran the library at shawshank. here's a photo of me"... [laughter] doing that, so, uh"... [applause] i think you should let me in." [applause] obviously, obviously, i'm joking. none of these rich people are actually gonna go to prison. come on. no, i'm being serious. at worst, they're probably gonna get community service. yeah, like, they'll have to pick up trash in beverly hills, and be like, "oh, another $100 bill on the ground. ba-ha. so dirty." this whole college admissions scandal has brought up a wider conversation about a couple of things. for instance, what's going to happen
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to "fuller house" without aunt becky, you know? personally, i don't think they need her, because if you ask me, that house was already too full. - e! news is also reporting that she thought prosecutors were bluffing about jail time when she and her husband turned down the initial offer. - you can't be serious. [laughter] aunt becky turned down a plea deal because she thought the prosecutors were bluffing? you see, that's what happens when you're in hollywood for too long, all right? you just assume everyone around you is also acting, yeah? she's just like, "wow, these prison bars feel so real! "now for this beatdown scene, are we using a stunt double? is that's what's gonna happen?" - a first of 33 parents charged in the massive college admission scandal is preparing to plead guilty. california entrepreneur peter jan sartorio made the revelation in a court filing yesterday. that came as actresses felicity huffman and lori loughlin, along with ten other parents, appeared before a judge in boston yesterday. - when she arrived in boston tuesday, the "full house" star was seen signing autographs for fans.
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- lori, lori, lori! pay for my tuition, lori! [laughter] [applause] - oh, wow. that's priceless! and, you know, we're laughing, but that's actually a great idea, right? no, because, let's be honest. prisons are already full. instead of prison, their punishment should be that they have to pay tuition for everyone. that's it. they've got the money. [cheers and applause] let's just do that. and also... why is aunt becky signing autographs at court? what are you doing? if i was the prosecutor i would be like, "oh my god, aunt becky, can you sign this? a-ha, a confession! i got her, i got her!" male announcer: "crazy rich nation." what! she's zip lining with little jon? it's lil jon. even he knows that. thanks, captain obvious. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com and get rewarded basically everywhere. hotels.com. be there. do that. get rewarded.
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corona's first alcohol spiked refresher. introducing corona refresca. in passionfruit lime, guava lime and coconut lime. it's the taste of the tropics. [upbeat music] male announcer: "crazy rich nation." [crowd ohhs] - [laughs] [laughter and applause] oh, man. jussie smollett. a month ago, few people knew who he was. if you heard "jussie smollett," you were either talking to a huge fan of the show "empire," or you overheard a drunk guy trying to order an omelette. "what will you be having, sir?" "just a smollette with extra ham." [laughter] but now, the whole world knows jussie's name,
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and it's for all the wrong reasons. - "empire" actor jussie smollett is in police custody after turning himself in overnight. he is accused of faking a hate crime after his story of being attacked by racists fell to pieces. - smollett has been charged with disorderly conduct for filing a false police report, which is a felony in the state of illinois. - police say smollett planned this attack because he was allegedly upset by how much he was being paid by the show "empire." - are you kidding me? this dude may have faked a hate crime just to get a raise? i don't understand. like, what's the logic there? you get your ass beat, and then you go to your boss and be like, "hey can i get another million dollars? i need to buy some band-aids." what was the thinking? that is not a good way to get a raise, people. i mean, call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to just going into your boss's office, and blackmailing him with nudes? okay? [laughter] this is such a petty reason to pull off such a major crime. imagine if we found out the reason tupac faked his own death was just to get out
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of a blockbuster late fee. that would be insane! we know that didn't happen. what really happened was tupac was murdered by blockbuster because he didn't return "forrest gump." those guys didn't mess around! so chicago police have put together a story of what they believe really happened. and they're confident enough to charge smollett. and the reason they're confident enough to charge him is because it looks like jussie and the brothers who reportedly fake the attack with him left no shortage of incriminating evidence. - police say they tracked these two brothers down via the ride share car service that they used. - we know that the police have the cell phones of the young men. - there were conversations between smollett and these two nigerian americans an hour before the attack, an hour after the attack, and when they traveled to nigeria. - police say smollett paid the brothers a total of $3,500 via check and then promised a $500 follow-up. - they're saying he paid his accomplices with a check?
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[laughter] what, did he also write "fake hate crime" in the memo? [laughter] even amateurs know if you commit a crime, you go all cash, people, no paper trail! you've never seen a movie where the bad guys are like, "i need you to get rid of someone for me. "now, who do i make this check out to? "is that 'knuckles' with a 'k'? "ah, crap, i gotta start again, i keep writing 2018 on all my murder checks." [groans angrily] so if he did do this, smollett did a horrible job with this fake crime. in fact, the chicago police also claimed today that smollett wanted his hate crime to be caught on camera. but it turns out, that didn't go right either. - police say they went over security video from dozens of pod cameras, but the staged attack itself was never captured by a rotating security camera. - i believe that mr. smollett wanted it on camera, but unfortunately, that particular camera wasn't pointed in that direction.
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[laughter] you've gotta be shitting me. he wanted to be caught, but he didn't get caught on camera because he didn't know which way the camera was pointing? you're an actor. that's your only job! your only job! [cheers and applause] how do you not know? now i'm starting to think that jussie was probably on the set of "empire" like, "what do you mean my father doesn't-- "oh, sorry. sorry. where is it? "what do you mean? "don't you tell me about cookie! "i think we got this. can i get a raise? can i get a raise now?" so jussie is potentially going to prison for a while, and in his wake, he's screwed over everyone. think about it. members of the gay community are emotionally terrorized over something that turned out to be a hoax. trump supporters are upset about being falsely accused. and democrat candidates-- democratic candidates are tying themselves into knots
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trying to walk back their initial statements calling this a modern day lynching. nobody won in this thing. i mean, the only winner here, really, is subway. no, because before this story, i didn't know they were open at 2:00 a.m. did you guys know that? i didn't know that. i genuinely didn't know that. [cheers and applause] the point is nobody won. but there is a silver lining. when this started out, it was a story about people who hated jussie smollett because he was black and gay. now, people hate him because he's an asshole. [laughter] in other words, they're judging him on the content of his character, and not the color of his skin. and that, my friends, is progress. we'll be right back. announcer: "crazy rich nation."
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[boisterous trap music] ♪ - socialism. it's starting to get more popular in america, and it's making fox news more afraid than mike pence at a screening of "bohemian rhapsody." - the rise of socialism has never been more clear. - now you have aoc and you have a hundred of these members of congress openly embracing this. - socialism is not only dangerous, but it is also evil. - this green new deal, this is sugarcoated socialism. it's like sugarcoating poison. sweet at the front, deadly at the end. - ooh, sweet at the front, deadly at the end! you talking about socialism or willy wonka's chocolate factory? what are you talking about? [laughter] yeah, uh, that was deadly at the end. you know how many kids died? we don't talk about that. that is not a children's story, it's a horror movie with fun music! [laughter] for more on the rise of socialism in america, we turn to a man who always makes me pay for dinner, my friend, neal brennan, everybody! [cheers and applause] - hey buddy, we should grab dinner soon.
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- no thanks. so neal, um, who's responsible for socialism's popularity right now? is it bernie sanders? uh, is it elizabeth warren, ocasio-cortez? - mmm, no. i'll tell you who's responsible. rich people. rich people have done more for socialism than bernie, aoc, and elizabeth warren combined. which, by the way, would be a very unpleasant-looking person. [laughter] - [screams] take that away, take that away! uh, okay, but neal, i don't understand. how can rich people be responsible for socialism if they hate it? - because they keep rubbing their money in people's faces, with their tax dodging and wealth flaunting and financial corruption. when it comes to socialism, i don't blame uncle bernie, i blame aunt becky. [laughter] it wasn't enough that she's a tv star and married to a millionaire, she still had to scam her daughter's way into college. you had everything, why cheat? it's like if the hulk got caught doing steroids. [laughter]
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for what? hulk, no. [laughter] steroids redundant. also, hulk balls shrink. [laughter] mrs. hulk no happy. [laughter] so when people see that admissions scandal, and then bernie comes along and says, "we should tax the rich and make college free," i get why americans would think, "yeah, college should be free." i agree with white yoda. [laughter] - so you think socialism is just a natural reaction to capitalism that's run amok. it's basically, like, putting up speed bumps because people are driving too fast. - yup. because rich people are out here tokyo driftin' with their dicks out. [laughter] look at amazon-- they wanted a new home for their corporate headquarters, so jeff bezos made cities audition for him like a spoiled king. "pittsburgh, entertain me." [laughter] "birmingham, my feet are sore. rub them." [laughter] "cute, but i'm going with new york."
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and amazon picked new york partly because new york offered them $3 billion. so if more new yorkers are going socialist, don't blame aoc, blame jeff bezos. he's worth $144 billion. you know how rich that is? even if you started earning $50 million a year, guess how long it would take for you to reach jeff bezos' level. 2,880 years. now imagine being that rich and still being like, "yah, i'll come to your city, but you've gotta give me money." [laughter] - sweet lord, that is super rich. - i know. to get that money, lebron would have to stay on the lakers until the year 4899. [laughter] and they probably still won't make the playoffs. [audience laughs and groans] the knicks won't either. [laughter] by the way, having super rich people in charge doesn't help, either. last week, our billionaire president proposed cuts to medicaid, the program that gives health insurance to the poor.
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this is a guy who can afford the best doctors in the world and he still wants to take health care away from poor people. my god, the assholery. [laughter] it's not enough you're already in the vip section sipping cristal, you also want to walk around the club slapping bud lights out of other people's hands. [laughter] and yes, bud light is the medicaid of beers. [laughter] dilly dilly. [laughter] so when people see budget cuts like that, then hear elizabeth warren pitching medicare for all, you can't be shocked when 57% of them are like, "yeah, i'm with senator librarian on this." [cheers and applause] because the best salesmen for socialism aren't the leftie politicians, it's the ultra-wealthy. forget che guevara, we should put the real heroes of socialism on t-shirts: rich dicks. - neal brennan, everyone! male announcer: "crazy rich nation." ♪ we're jack daniel's.
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male announcer: "crazy rich nation." [boisterous trap music] ♪ - there's a new report tonight that president trump may have lied his way onto "forbes" magazine annual list of richest americans back in the 1980s. trump first made the list in 1982 with a reported net worth of $100 million, but the documents later proved he was only worth $5 million. he lied about how many apartments the trump organization owned, how much the units were worth, and that trump, not his father, owned the apartments. - that's right, all the way back in 1982, trump apparently got onto the first "forbes" list by lying about his net worth and claiming that the stuff that his dad owned was actually his. but it turns out that trump's lie may have gotten him a whole lot more than just some flattering press. - because donald never had an actual statement of his assets and his liabilities. he used the forbes 400 and this statement of inflated assets to borrow billions and billions of dollars which he used to build atlantic city
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and over-leverage himself. - you're saying he wanted to use the "forbes" list to fraudulently induce people to fund him in ways they otherwise would not? - that's correct. - okay, i don't know about you, but this is mind-blowing. trump lied to get onto the "forbes" list. then the "forbes" list cemented him as a mogul, and then he used his mogul status to get to the white house. because remember, his success story wasn't just a minor detail of who he was, it was the very heart of his campaign. - "forbes" just came out and they said i'm worth $4 1/2 or $5 billion. i'm really rich. i'm not even saying that, in a brag-- that's the kind of mindset, that's the kind of thinking you need for this...country. so look, i'm-- i'm really a good businessman, i'm so good at business. oh, you people are gonna be so rich so fast, you don't even... [applause] you don't know how rich you're gonna be. [laughter] you're gonna go from a debtor nation and it's gonna... [imitates rocket] you're gonna say, "wow, what happened?" - you know, in retrospect, i feel like we should've asked what [imitates rocket] means.
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[laughter] 'cause, like, "huh, turns out [imitates rocket] was a muslim ban, who would've thought?" "yeah, i didn't know, i didn't know." if i was a trump supporter, i would be so pissed, because i voted for a rich guy who was always successful, not some trickster who lied his way onto the "forbes" list. like, if i find out he's not racist, i will be so mad! [laughter] so mad! male announcer: "crazy rich nation." - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ - ♪ headin' up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - [muffled singing] - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

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