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tv   Washington This Week  CSPAN  April 26, 2015 7:30pm-8:01pm EDT

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i raise a glass to them and all of you for the words of the american foreign correspondents' dorothy thompsons. it is the way liberty is exercised that determines whether liberty itself survives. thank you for your devotion and exercising liberty and telling our american story. god bless you, god bless the united states of america. [applause]
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christi: let me take a moment to acknowledge several people whose assistance and friendship has been so valuable during this year. i want to thank the people sitting at the head table, the eight members of the board. they fight hard every day at the white house to do their jobs with excellence in to help you do yours. [applause] i especially want to thank carol lee. nobody fights harder than carol. she is a fierce advocate for press freedom and she will be your president next year. [applause] i want to acknowledge our
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incredible executive director julia wiston. julia, thank you for keeping this association's heart in the right place for so many years. [applause] thank you george laner our lawyer three of for your insightful counsel and devotion to our core mission of fighting for openness and transparency. i thank the tribune publishing bureau for their support especially our bureau chief, david lauter, and my white house colleague, kathleen hennessey. i thank visionary editors of the los angeles times and chicago tribune. all of us are fortunate to work
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for wise corporate leaders. finally, my family visiting from alabama and tennessee. i say hello to my dad who is watching this on fox news. [laughter] and my family right here in washington, d.c. cody, mandy, paul. [applause] let me introduce our next speaker, cecily strong. [applause] like the president and the first lady, she is from chicago. she came through second city comedy, and is now one of the most recognized members of the saturday night live cast. she is no stranger to political journalism. her father was an ap bureau chief in the illinois statehouse. i'm sure that tonight, he is a proud father. bill, welcome.
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[applause] at last year's dinner, steve selma drew attention to the increasing diversity of the white house press corps. tonight, we strike a blow for diversity and political commentary. i don't know why, but women almost never serve in a position that cecily assumes tonight. it is about time. [applause] cecily, i gladly welcome you to this podium. [applause] cecily: feels right to have a woman follow president obama doesn't it? good evening, i am cecily strong. you may know me from "saturday
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night live," or as the ethnically ambiguous girl from every college brochure. i am a mash-up of all the people in hillary's announcement video. [laughter] i'm also the first straight woman to host this in 20 years so, we finally made it, straight people. where my heterosexuals at, huh? [laughter] i do need to say something. just because i am a woman doesn't mean i'm going to go easy. i'm going to go easy on you people because my brain is smaller. [laughter] i feel very lucky to be here. last year's host, joel mchale, proves that speaking at this dinner is an amazing opportunity that can take you from starring on a show on nbc all the way to starring on that same show, but on yahoo!
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[laughter] i took amtrak here. it was way more luxurious than i thought. did you know they have massage seats available? all you have to do is sit in front of joe biden. those hands don't get tired, somehow. i hope everybody enjoyed dinner. we tried to get memories pizza to cater this event, but they heard a rumor that barney frank might be here, so thanks a lot barney. we should have had that world famous indiana pizza. i can make that joke about indiana because i am from illinois. [laughter] the white house correspondents dinner is a chance for all of you to unwind, relax, and laugh as soon as you notice someone slightly more powerful than you laughing. [laughter] just so weird to be up here.
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since i'm only a comedian, i'm not going to try to tell you politicians how to do politics or whatever. that's not my job. that would be like you guys telling me what to do with my body, i mean, can you imagine? [laughter] [applause] tonight's event is being broadcast on c-span. to viewers watching at home, hello. to most viewers watching at home on c-span, meow. [laughter] if you don't know how to find c-span, you just press the guide button on your remote, and hit page up into your thumb cramps up. i just want to do a camera check.
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ok, camera one. and that's it. [laughter] it is great to be here at the washington hilton. it is something a prostitute might say to a congressman. the washington hilton, you guys. man, if these walls could talk they would probably say, clean me. [laughter] it's crazy to think that our president is right here in the ballroom of the washington hilton. it's even crazier to think that our vice president is right now in the ball pit washington chuck e. cheese. [laughter] but seriously, the washington hilton is great. i bet that, when the president walks in and saw the bellhops, he thought, some decent security.
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[laughter] i'm just kidding, let's give it up for the secret service. yeah. [applause] they are the only law enforcement agency in the country that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot. are you saying "boo"? or "true"? tonight brings together many different ways of delivering the news but you are all in this together, from the networks at front, to the internet at the back, all the way to the print journalists who are busing the tables. [laughter] msnbc is here. i love msnbc. even their call letters are long-winded. just a great variety of shows. rachel maddow, locked up abroad, lock up raw, lock up suv, lock
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up en espanol. msnbc shows so many prison documentaries, they are making and scholz get a teardrop tattoo. fox news is here. fox news has been losing a lot of viewers lately, and may they rest in peace. [laughter] that's nice to say. it's all just hot blonde ladies and old dudes. it looks like a party scene from “weekend at bernie's.” [laughter] you've got to give it up for cnn. it's comforting to know that whenever a big story breaks, i can turn to cnn and watch anthony bourdain eat a cricket. [laughter] huffington post is here. way to go on that partnership with a.o.l. everyone in my chat room will not stop talking about it. buzzfeed is here, i can show you
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a listicle of 17 reasons why they shouldn't be. usa today is here. they are only here because they slipped through the hotel door. [laughter] that's usa today, unless today is saturday or sunday. [laughter] npr is here. npr had a lot of success with the "serial" podcast, which finally answer the question, what would it be like if somebody whispered to me an episode of dateline? i am so sorry you could not get your plus one out of jail and time. next season, pick somebody who definitely did it, like amanda knox.
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there was dna on the knife, you guys. nbc is here. even us at snl got criticized this year for making fun of isis. i think that is unfair. if anybody is guilty of taking isis too lightly, it's them. you know? what can i say about brian williams? nothing, because i work for nbc. [laughter] [applause] there are so many stars from so many great shows here. we are in a golden age of television. i still see so many negative trails -- portrayals of black and gay people. i mean, it's 2015, and we still have characters like john lemon, it's ridiculous.
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the cast of blackish is here which i think is inappropriate after the way they treated those whales at sea world. [laughter] the cast of game of thrones is here, and they tell me that even they have never seen this many nerds before. naomi campbell is here. naomi, you are lucky hillary is not here, because if you threw your blackberry at her, she would delete everything right off of it. [laughter] hillary said she used her private e-mails because she didn't want to use more than two devices. if that sounds familiar, it's also one of the roles from the sex contract in "50 shades of grey." the cast of downton abbey is here. thanks to a generous donation from the constituents of aaron schock.
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speaking of aaron schock, you may notice i'm a little tan. i just got back from the most fabulous trip that aaron took me on, and i brought some instagram photos to share with you, so. you are probably familiar with this picture of him surfing in hawaii. see, there's me. i didn't even need a surfboard, i just used his abs. then he went diving into this swimming pool he had built. it hurt when i landed. here is me and aaron skydiving. he said his made his own parachute out of gifts his constituents made him. isn't that sweet? here we are at the eiffel tower. paris is so beautiful. mr. president, you should think about going there sometime. i hear the weather is nice in january.
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here we are in our trip to california. we must have done this for hours and hours, just so much wasted water. fun. here we are at his own dinosaur island. here we are after hunting the dinosaurs. is that -- brian williams? what you doing, you rascal? aaron and i, we had so much fun. i know what you are thinking but it was not romantic, it was strictly a friendship trip, he reminded me every day. just because aaron schock resigned, it doesn't mean that are not smoking hot congressman left. looking out tonight, i see so many tens.
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well, washington tens, but new york fours. [laughter] indiana 30? harry reid was a boxer for he -- before he spent five terms as a punching bag. one of my favorite things that happened in congress this year was when a senator brought in a snowball to prove that climate change isn't real. i mean, that blew my mind. i don't even need to see the other science projects. first prize, jim. you brought science to life, man. so cool. senator tom cotton got other senators to sign an open letter he wrote to iran. the most surprising thing is that a guy named tom cotton is a u.s. senator and not a rabbit from an old racist disney
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cartoon. [laughter] do not throw tom cotton in the briar patch. [applause] in tom cotton's defense, he was just trying to repair america's strain relationship with israel. he doesn't need to worry about that. the relationship will be better in the next administration, as soon as israel is a generous donation to the clinton foundation. "true?" or "boo?" now, it's been a great year for women, as always. [laughter] hobby lobby said they didn't want to pay for health care if it included things like contraceptive. which is weird, because all i asked was what aisle is the yarn
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in? i do love hobby lobby. i went there this morning, and i bought the cutest wicker basket to hold all of my morning after pills. vito barbieri recently asked if gynecological exams could be conducted by a woman. swallowing a camera. camera, and now he and his wife have a perfectly good -- ruined ago pro. -- ruined a go-pro. so much to talk about this year. the big story, the republicans finally succeeded, and obama is being forced out of office in 18 months. you did it! so many great people have already announced they are running. who should i vote for? who is better than marco rubio? hillary. who's better than rand paul? hillary.
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who's better on the economy than hillary? bill. [laughter] hillary's campaign slogan is it's your time. which i assume she says herself in the mirror while she is dead lifting 200 pounds. i'm excited about hillary running. i'm not sure she's excited about having to run, i think she feels the same way meryl streep feels when she has to audition for something. are you kidding me? this next part is a repeat after me. i want all the media to put their hands up and swear something this election season ok? i solemnly swear not to talk about hillary's appearance because that is not journalism. [laughter]
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[applause] also, cecily strong looks great tonight. [laughter] i don't want you to take any of this as an endorsement for hillary clinton, because i would never blindly endorse a candidate i do not play on snl. hillary clinton has her work cut out for her. her democratic challengers are a who's who of who's that? jim webb, silas phelps, peter wilk. the last two were characters from huckleberry finn. you didn't even notice, did you? let's not forget martin o'malley. i don't have anything to add that's just his actual campaign slogan. let's not forget martin o'malley.
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[laughter] lincoln chafee running for president is like watching a dog look for its dead owner. he doesn't know. a lot of people want elizabeth warren to run, but many think she is too idealistic and her policies are too liberal. but look at president obama. people thought the same thing about him, and he didn't end up doing any of that stuff. [laughter] the republican field is diverse, including people like ted cruz who is 18 party -- a tea pa rtier, rand paul, and if people like chris christie, who is a democrat. jeb bush is probably in the race. the presidential race, not hispanic race. that was an accident.
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jeb is an acronym for john ellis bush. so he way overcompensated. it is like benedict cumberbatch decided to go by ceder. marco rubio is running. when jeb bush found out he said, ay, dios mio. he makes mitt romney look relaxed on the air. i just hope marco gets comfortable in front of the camera before he has to endorse jeb. chris christie has said that he will crack down on legalized marijuana, because he believes it is a gateway drug. so like a bridge to other drugs? and he wants to shut down a bridge? polls show that his approval
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ratings in new jersey are at an all-time low. the only thing new jerseyans approve of less is "that dominican guy dating your sister . " ted cruz, it's like the right-wing thought, what's the opposite of a black president? how about a canadian let you know who will never be president? is true. he was born in canada, a child of cuban immigrants. i can't believe he wasn't in hillary's announcement video. [laughter] carly fiorina is considering running for president. seems like a lot of work just to be a fox news pundit. rand paul has announced he is taking over the family's not being president business, and yes, that is rand, as in, he didn't get elected, but at least he "rand." paul is a libertarian, which is just a republican you have to block on twitter.
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rand paul's campaign slogan is defeat the washington machine, unleash the american dream. the american dream, of course, is the model name of rand paul's wigs. enough talk about 2016. let's talk about the most important person in the room, my leader, the person i am so glad is in the white house, michelle obama. [laughter] [applause] michelle, take care of that garden while you can, because you know bill is going to turn that thing into an above ground pool. [laughter] seriously, michelle obama, what an amazing woman. harvard educated lawyer, and advocate for lgbt writes, and the founder of the let's move campaign to combat child obesity. it is a dream to sit next to you, but it's a nightmare to eat
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next to you. i have a confession. when i got up to go to the bathroom for like 20 minutes? i hid a cheese pizza behind the toilet and there, and i ate it. i'm sorry. [laughter] and of course, mr. president. thank you for taking time away from being on jimmy kimmel to be here. [laughter] it is a mate is -- amazing to be seated at this fancy dinner. i know this must have cost a ton of food stamps, so thank you. i can say that, a lot of you probably don't know this, but obama and i grew up together in chicago. i remember when we used to go down to the basketball court. i would lace up a pair of jordans, he would slip on a pair of my mom's genes. we would just miss three-pointers until sundown. of course, that when it have to stop and pray to mecca.
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[laughter] those were simpler times. now you have problems with congress, vladimir putin israel. you said it yourself. we can't solve problems by holding hands and singing k umbaya. kumbaya, is a village in africa where he was born. after six years in office, your approval rating is at 48%. your gray hair is at 85%. your hair is so white, it can talk back to the police. [laughter] [applause] we will high-five about that later. president obama, i bet you wish you were coming into office in 2016 instead of 2008. you should have let hillary fix the economy, and then you could run away from hers vessel president. -- successful presidency. mr. president, you probably get this a lot, you are a lot like madonna.
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you have both given this country so much, but in a year and a half, you gotta stop. mr. president, it was an honor to be here tonight. thank you to the white house correspondents' association whatever that is. i have to finish up, as the -- because the exterminators need to get into this room. i have a bathroom pizza to finish. thank you so much, good night. [laughter] [applause] christi: cecily strong, thank you. wonderful. now to bring our evening to a
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close, i would like for you all to remain seated while carol lee escorts the president and the first lady from the stage. [applause] [captions copyright national cable satellite corp. 2015] [captioning performed by the national captioning institute, which is responsible for its caption content and accuracy. visit]
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>> at the international consumer electronics show in las vegas earlier this year, we spoke with uc san francisco cardiologist michael blum about developments in medical technology and the future of medicine. >> we have to bring together these very different organizations, these different cultures, to really get to the space where we need to be. as an academic health center, we are not going to invest. that is what they are going to do. but they do not know anything about clinical process or clinical trials, discovering what really works. so we are working on novel partnerships, marrying the two. >> monday night at 8:00 eastern on the communicators on c-span2. next q and a with judith miller, talking about her book
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a story. john kerry talks about u.s. trade policy. announcer: this week on q&a, our guest is judith miller, former new york times reporter and author of the book "the story: a reporter's journey"," which chronicles her account of her reporting leading up to the american invasion in iraq in 2003. brian: judy miller author of "the story: a reporter's journey"." deep in the book you have a chapter, this paragraph. th


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