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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  August 15, 2015 10:00pm-11:01pm PDT

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powders may take days to work. for gentle overnight relief, try dulcolax laxative tablets. ducolax provides gentle overnight relief, unlike miralax that can take up to 3 days. dulcolax, designed for dependable relief. >> it is 9:00 p.m. on the east coast and a mom . it is 9:00 on the east coast, and the moment of truth has arrived. >> okay, guys, it's a big night for us. let's have a great show, here we go. >> i'm bret baier, live from quicken loans arena. >> megyn, i need you to make a sports reference. >> lined up one right after another, like you might do at a sporting event? >> yeah. yeah. >> nice, nice, jump in. say you're in the home of the calf leevalier cavaliers. the crowd will love it. >> we are in the arena where the cleveland cavaliers play in.
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>> now make a jock about carly fiorina. >> i bet these guys are glad these guys carly fiorina did not appear in the 9:00 hour, because she released a can, if you know what i mean. >> well done. all right, guys, i'm getting hungry. chris, can you hit the buzzer for me. >> points a gun at your head -- >> i've got a lot of snap back here. nod your head if you're going to come back here for snacks. oh, awesome, megyn, i got a cookie cake back here, megyn. i can have it ready for you. just give me a sign. how big a piece do you want? >> after a short time out. >> all right. got it. see you guys soon. ♪ >> call me g-love. here's what's coming up on the big show. one debate down, 73 more to go.
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who won, who lost, and who needs a back rub. hillary proving once again that she's a woman of the people. and humans destroy hitchhiking robot. could this be the start of the human robot war? i've noticed my rhumba getting white aggressive. like a circus, thursday's debate was intense. the moderators were tougher than danny tree hoe's face. each one focussed on candidate vulnerabili vulnerability, forcing them to move beyond their own mentality. >> not having security being first priority when we invaded it was a mistake. i wouldn't have gone in. >> because somebody doesn't think the way that i do doesn't mean that i can't care about them or can't love them. >> i'm going to cry. the questions hit everyone where it hurts. a necessary role, because later their opposition is going to do the same thing, only worse.
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if a candidate can't answer tough questions, how will he or she -- i have to say that -- stomach debate with someone who wants to hammer the stuffing out of you. >> i defunded planned parenthood more than four years ago. before these videos came out. >> let me tell you who never gets talked about in these debates. the people who call my office who have been waiting for 15 years to come to the united states of the and they've paid their fees. and they hired a lawyer, and they can't get in. and they're wondering, maybe they should come illegally. >> the first thing i intend to do is rescind every illegal executive order by barack obama. >> you have to go to the toughest place imaginable before the fight if you want to beat a giant. if you went to the beach he would have lost. instead, he went to siberia, and he won. not only did we learn a lot about each candidate, their
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humor, their instincts. it turns out, a lot of people watched it with us. thursday's debate had more eyes than a fly convention. it was the most-viewed cable news show ever. millions who never experienced the krclarity of carly and the disarming charm of carson did so that night. maybe the elements that i detest so much helped get the word out. >> that's a completely ridiculous answer. i want to collect more records from terrorists but less records from other people. how are you supposed to know, megyn. >> use the fourth amendment. get a warrant. >> americans just learned that when it comes to candidates, the republicans have a deep bench. by comparison, the democrats have a stool. >> period!
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>> let's start analyzing thursday's event with some very important experts, skilled at the complex art of debate. please welcome members of the new york city urban debate league. i'm going to go to you, first, faidy, because i like your tie. who do you think won the debate and why? >> i would say marco rubio won the debate, and the reason for it because he seemed so prepared and confident for what he's going to do as president and went into so much detrail that it shows that he's prepared and he countered others like no, this is how we need to do it. >> i see the successor to special report right there. >> bentu, who do you think lost? >> i definitely think donald trump lost. in my own opinion, donald trump has no idea what he's doing up there. >> all right. fair enough, who did you like up there?
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>> i agree, i liked marco rubio. he knew exactly what he was doing. when he got on stage, he now what he was going to say, and he knew what was going to persuade the people to agree with him, take his side. he just knew what he was doing, and i kind of -- i like that, because i'm all about froe professionalism. that's what he had that most of the candidates up there conditions. >> selma, let me know, who did you like and who did you dislike? >> well, i like john kasich, because john kasich blank out a really good point, and i dislike rand paul, because all his points were not as strong as marco rubio or john kasich. all of his points were, were not that great. >> i agree but. i don't think rand pauls points were that great either. >> ieta, who did you like? and who did you want to hear more from? >> i liked ben carson. he is interesting, because he
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works with brain, he thought well, we need more intelligence, and he brought that to the table. as a candidate, he needs to bring intelligence and things of that nature to the table. >> mm-hm. that's good. before i move on to my other panel, i want to ask you, feiry, do you ever try to debate your parents over stuff, like if you want to stay out late or get money to go out, do you try any debate tricks on your parents? >> all the time. all the time. it's just like convincing them, just like a debate. you convince them to let you have a certain item or let you go somewhere. it's all about convincing them. >> do you have any debating tricks you could give me? because i'm terrible at debating. >> i would say there's always some type of videotape of your opponent debating, you can take that weakness and use it against them. >> very good.
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>> silma, do you get nervous? >> i combatted it by being myself and doing my best. >> how do you practice? >> i use pens, and i put them towards my mouth so i don't stutter as much. >> i never know when i'm going to say something completely stupid, which is almost all the time. i don't even think the people i have with me now will be able to surpass your expertise. so joining me on the couch, the second hottest kennedy since george is ken dishes host of kennedy, week nights on fox business network. and he's so bright i use his face to fry ants. and she's here because it keeps her off the street begging for beer money, joanne nosuchinsky.
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and part of the problem, sometimes i feel like i'm part of the problem. >> there's finger. >> tell me your overall thoughts of the debate. a lot of people thought it was too harsh. >> i thought the trial by fire was wonderful, especially for the first debate. it showed that the moderators took this very the subject matter very seriously, and the candidates all have a lot to answer tor, whether or not th i just hope that when the democrats are exposed to a more liberal forum that the fox news counterparts do the same thing and hold them to the same standards. especially when you have a large part of the country undecided independents. >> if the moderators weren't as tough, that would be the story, like oh, fox news went light on the candidates. >> i haven't had the opportunity
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to further my liberal agenda. those moderators, the three of them, they brought a serious game to what has been a really silly campaign so far. i thought it was great. i think, as a liberal, i support every single candidate up there. especially chris christie and ted cruz, the guy who's going to cancel dancing in america. >> is he going to cancel dancing in america? dave, we've never met before. who did you like? and who disappointed you? >> well, i liked rand paul, but full disclosure, i love an angry l libertarian. i may be the only person in america who feels like he won the debate. imagine losing one in 9/11 and then have to suffer through a hug from chris christie. that's not fair. >> you are a terrible person. that was a hug debate.
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they were accusing each other of different kinds of hugs. >> what were your thoughts? i know i used thoughts plurally. but what were your thoughts? >> i do think that the moderators asked some difficult questions, but i think they were very fair questions. and a lot of the candidates up there didn't even answer them. they did a lot of the pageant swerve. they go around the question to talk about what they really want to talk about. it wasn't so much of a debate as saying what they want to say, which i any the first one is important. you get the american people to see some of these candidates for the first time. >> everybody's been cruising on their own mythology of who they are. and it was great. each question, i thought, went and exposed that. >> and it's a really important thing. if debates serve one purpose, it's to defend yourself and your own record and make a case, like i believe it was feiry who said
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you have to tell your mind. there are a lot of people watching the debate who are seeing ben carson for the first time. >> whoever the nominee is is going to get long speeches. they'll have a chance to say what they want to say. why shouldn't we see them, like, grilled. >> the thing about debates now is to knock politicians off their scripts. this is the only opportunity you have to knock a politician off their talking points. >> we did have a split screen and appreciated that. and appreciated the way the debate was organized. i know i work here, but even as an objective observer, appreciated when chris christie and rand praul went at it. that exposes a huge rift within the republican party. that was an important exchange. >> the most important exchange of the night, i believe, if i may say that. >> oh, do tell, please.
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no, i've got to go now. more on the candidates when we come back. but first, on monday, the republican presidential candidates were invited to take part in something called voter's first forum. jeb bush happened to be there but avoided an important question entirely. >> on legal immigration, does the illegal immigration crisis affect the number of folks we let in legally? >> thank you.
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welcome back, america! we're back talking about the gop candidates or gop for short. barack obama had yes, we can, and fiorina has herself a mantra. >> hillary clinton lies about benghazi and e-mails, still defending planned parenthood and still her pare's front runner. she did lie about benghazi, she did lie about her e-mails and her server. >> so will carly go farley?
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she's as stable as an ikea in a windstorm. i thought she did great, but am i impressed by her because of the competitors around her, which were kind of lackluster. i mean, jim gilmore, he could make lurch from adam's family look sexy. >> thank you for reminding me. lindsey graham looked like he was reciting a research paper from memory in third grade. she really krcrushed it. she's classy. i'd like to see her on the bigger stage being a star. she's a star. >> okay. she has no political experience, i believe. does that matter? >> no, that's wonderful. i owned an hp while she was at hewlett-packard. so she's done more for me than any politician ever. >> i had hp in college. i had to freeze it all off,
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america. i don't even know what that means. that was not even a real joke. you're okay with her having no political background? >> i think it's a plus. >> i am okay with it, so many people on stage were patting their own backs. it's important to let the country know what you'll do in the future. but she's acknowledging the problems that we have and what she would do to fix them rather than saying what her political background is, because she didn't have one. >> that's like ben carson up there talking about doing surgery. thank you for ichbts rupting me. >> yeah. >> as a liberal, i bet you can't wait to attack her for being a woman. >> it makes me want to vote for hillary twice. i don't want to get into -- yes, she had passion. that counts for a lot, especially from so many of the candidates in the b-team and the primetime, they had the passion
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of, you know, they had a passion like that guy who, the continental breakfast at your hotel. they had no passion, and she d and i think that's what a lot of you are responding to? >> yeah, i think you're right. kennedy, she stood out. >> i called it on "outnumbered", the day before. she's been doing so much media. holding press conferences. taking questions. open-ended questions. not necessarily from audiences that she has curated. and i think that served her well. she learned from her political failure running for senate in california. she learned a lot from that. she learned what she was missing and what she was doing well. and she really schooled the candidates on that stage. i want to see her ons the main stage again, but the question is, if it's another 10-person debate, who do they swap out. >> i said it, because as
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somebody who's been at the kiddie table at thanksgiving, you always get more food, because the kids are terrified of adults at the table. they get the best food, eat early, and i get there, because of my height, i want to, she was on chris matthews' show. i don't know if anybody saw that. it was quite a confrontation. >> i was one of the nine people. >> exactly. and it was about her comments about calling hillary a liar. and it's very hard to get chris matthews to shut up, and she did it. >> i didn't say she lied about everything. i was very specific, very fact-based. rut one who's made a generalized comment about her, not me. forgive me, secondly, i will debate her. >> go through your list. go through your list of where she lied. >> benghazi, e-mails and server. i will debate her on the issues facing this nation. i will debate her on her positions. i will ask her for example how she can possibly continue to
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defend planned parenthood. i will ask her why she continues to say show's a champion of the middle class while every single proposal she has put forward makes cronie capitalism worse and worse and worse. >> at the end, you don't see the end there, he's completely crying. she made matthews into mincemeat, kennedy. >> she held her own, and that's why she did well in the debate, because she's got a substantive response for just about anything. and she can make lists. >> let's get john because we know he doesn't care. >> i got a thrill going up my leg. liberals can't debate. they're great with two other liberals around the panel. >> shut up! >> see? look at you, john, you're falling apart. >> look what she did to chris. he's a lion. >> he's like --
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>> look at cecil. >> that's too much for cecil. >> she shut him down. that's what you have to do. when someone asks you for a list, you give them a list, and that's what she did. >> any thoughts? >> notice how she was a conservative woman, he was a liberal dude, there was no sexism controversy. she held her own, because she's a woman, and we're strong. >> there you go. somebody's got to go to the gym. i could floss with those arms. >> yeah, i do sometimes. >> time to take a break. later in the show we'll show you what joanne and kathryn were doing during the break. they watched the debate in their pajamas. >> 30 seconds, senator. thank you, senator, good
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hillary clinton sat down for an interview in south carolina state, sipping some lemonade and laying on her southern accent. >> i love sitting here and rocking. so thanks for giving me the chance to do that. a little guy from arkansas. i said, you know, i'm not runnin' for my husband's third term and not barack obama's third term. i'm running for my first term. >> that was about as real as joe biden's hair. isn't that the fullest evidence that show's a full-on fake? she might not even be a human. >> i felt like i was watching the "dukes of hazzard." those darn dukes are at it again. i'm sittin' here rockin' on my porch. >> she could be like cybill. is she another southern person? >> zsyble's not really somethin
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i've seen. she really creeps me out a lot. did you see her eyes, like it conditions look very human to me, to make her likable. you just, you should be yourself, not just try to be the other person. >> but to be yourself, you have to have a self. >> yeah. also, don't always be yourself, nobody likes anybody's real self. >> that's true. i'm never myself. i'm another guy that i murdered in '78. the more you now of her it's one big no. like eating cotton candy, if you eat a bite, it's great, but if you eat more of it, you throw it up. it's like the toffee peanuts they sell in midtown. >> you threw me off by how good that analogy was. she was being gun of herselves. she used to have a very thick, thick southern accent. in that tape where she's laughing about getting that
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child rapist off, she had a thick accent. and there was no feminist outrage. >> we should bring that back up. yeah, john, how would you like that? >> do you want to see my hillary tattoo? >> you have a hillary tattoo? >> right across my chest. >> she's a pretty weak candidate, don't you think? >> and she will be up until she wins the candidacy. fake over the top southern accents worked for george w. bush, so maybe it's going to work for hillary clinton. >> he has a fake southern accent? >> he's a blue blood from new england. >> he was raised in texas. >> as a young man, he's the product of the finest northeastern educational institutions. he's a yankee. >> there you go blaming bush. >> he's consistent about that. say what you will about george bush's policies, but hillary clinton fading in and out.
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al gore was the worst at that. >> they are romantic on what they want their politicians to be. >> this was obviously inauthentic, because from her e-mails, we know that she prefers iced tea, not lemonade. why is everybody ignoring the point. >> and one to transition off of, president obama dropped a bomb on republicans while defending his iran nuclear deal this week. >> it's those hard-lineres chanting death to america. they're making champion cause with the republican caucus. >> does that make chuck schumer one as well? he's one of the president's big ea biggest allies, maybe i wants death to america too, or maybe "death to smoochy." i have solutions for this, but
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was that fair to compare republicans? >> i think all the kids from that first segment are wondering what renting a movie is. >> that is very true. kennedy, there are two beliefs here. one is that iran wants to wipe the entire populations off the map. the other is a desire for day taunt. so obama can believe in one by dismiss the other. >> i don't even think he's made a good case for detante. i think it is, if you have a factor in the middle east with nuclear weapons, but if you are so opposed to iranian hardliners, why on earth are you doing a deal like this with iran? it doesn't make any sense. >> obama's biggest mistake is not cutting a secret deal with
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iran. >> ha, ha, ha. >> i have a theory i want to throw out. i think the solution is for america to build and give the bomb to iran. because it's not going to be used -- the bomb will not be used until they use it. so they'll never know if it works. >> the bomb will not be used until they use it? >> yes, we give them the bomb, right? >> is he making any sense to any one right now? >> listen, you woman wearing fake glasses. give them the bomb, it's filled with candy, but they won't know until they drop it on israel. and it's a giant pinata. >> slowly be killed with artificial sugars. >> there you go. still ahead, jon stewart is dead, tired of doing his show. we'll discuss this, but first, let's check in with our live studio audience. how many of you think my butt looked awesome when i walked into the studio today?
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guess i'm keepin' them around, size 32, if you don't mind. tough lie here... looks like we have some sort of sea monster in the water hazard here. i believe that's a "kraken", bruce. it looks like he's going to go with a nine iron. that may not be enough club... well he's definitely going to lose a stroke on this hole. if you're a golf commentator, you whisper. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. this golf course is electric...
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♪ it's a story the mainstream media won't touch, robot hate crimes. why was a lonely robot left to rot? he was murdered earlier this week in philadelphia or to coin a phrase, the city of brotherly love. hitch bot was designed by canadian researchers. after successfully hitchhiking across germany and netherlands, it went across the u.s. it was bound for san francisco but only made it as far as philly before something destroyed it. dead robots hate crime.
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the doublutch, this is how it s t starts, or what i like to call, roboca lipps. she is a fully retrabltable cup holder robot. >> this robot had big dreams. it was going to vegas, to yellowstone. it had big plans for itself, even though it couldn't think for itself. and as a small bucketed body, it's horrendous. yes. >> wanted to play the slots, which is kind of like having sex for a robot. i know that people think i'm crazy when i talk about robot rights of my theory is time is infinite. time goes on and on and on. it's only a matter of time
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before we create robots that are indistinguishable from humanity. it's going to happen. when it happens, we're going to need rights to present these beings, because these beings will have feelings, because robots have to have feelings, because if they don't have feelings, they're cold psychopaths. does that make sense to you? >> totally not. you're not completely off the mark. elon lusk, perhaps you can call them brothers, they are concerned about robots coming to life and attacking other countries. so there is this scientific community concern, i just don't know why you're concerned. >> the only handicap a robot has right now is a plug. they have to be charged. we think everything's okay because we can unplug them or let them drain. but what's going to happen is robots can solve that by creating a collaborative battalion, they will always have
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robots behind them to charge them with another battalion behind them. do you understand? >> it's called artificial intelligence. it may sound brill yachbt coming your mouth, but it's a thing already. we're on this laerng curve, right? what happens when it swings directly vertle ca. then what do we do? >> i denever want you to stop talking about this. what is consciousness, greg? >> that's what i'm saying! what's consciousness, then you establish a feeling that you cannot deny rights, joanne. >> yeah. >> let's get high. >> um, i don't know. i think we're going to cover this on the news, because it's a sensational story about people killing a robot, but if you look at the data, robot on robot crime. >> that's true, how do we not know? >> actually, human, robot on human crime is pretty huge. there's a lot of deaths.
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>> huge? >> huge, like millions. i don't have the stats in front of me, but anecdotal evidence. >> how do we know it wasn't assisted suicide. and some wonderful human came along and helped him. >> that is a horrible thought that you would take away the potential for this beast. >> i saw that robot earlier in the day he was very happy. >> he's on drugs right now. >> i think this is a serious issue. it may not happen in our lifetime, but maybe in your lifetime. >> oh, it's going to happen. it's definitely going to happen. yesterday i said thank you when an elevator door opened. and i felt really stupid at the time, but i'm not going to feel so stupid when the machines take over, and they make me their queen. >> human beings have to consider making nice with robots so the robots remember it. >> but i want to let you know, i've never heard you talk about robot sex.
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that's taking it a little far. i speak for america when i say, come on. >> i don't call them robots. they're robotics. they are earth lings. >> let's talk more about slot machines. >> let's do that. people are terrible. before we go to break, a helpful video for people of all ages. man buns. you've seen then everywhere. recently on celebrities who don't bathe, like russell brand. it's when they bundle their hair on top of their head, not like a ponytail. what is up with this thing? perhaps man buns are something else entirely. behold our first installment of where does it come from. >> thes' been around for centuries. most people think it's on the heads of guys who like to take life, rip it and grip it. did you know man bunds are not from this planet? they're from awesometopia.
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i don't know where to go with this. >> did they make the worst decision since bewitched replaced dick sergeant? i start with netflix with unlimited maternity and paternity. they can return on a full or part-time basis.
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they will keep paying them, regardless of how much time employees take off. the children will be auctioned off to middle-earth cannibals. not to mention, microsoft. it's a total of 2,000 weeks. i don't even know what this means, kennedy, you have kids. >> i do. >> i think you're the only person who has kids here. is this a good move for either company? >> it's a strange move. i see these things as being super socialist. netflix has a liberal leave policy for vacation and sick days. and, you know, it could eventually breed laziness or a whole host of people who get jobs and work hard and think, you know what? i'm burned out. i'm going to adopt a child, hire a nanny with my full-time salary
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and sit around and watch netflix. >> i would join some kind of foster child group so i could keep turning them in. >> and if they turn you down, you could sue them. >> i would sue them. kathryn, you don't have children and you don't plan to have them, ever, i've been told. will this do more harm than good? >> yes, you can't just not go to work. you can't, you can't, you can't. people say absence maybes the heart grow fonder, right? but when you're at work and you're gone, everybody starts to talk about you and hate you. so if you do this, your kid's going to be the only one who likes you. i should be a mom. >> you'd be a great mom. >> i'd be a great mom. >> mm-hm. yeah, you would. is this bigoted against the childless? >> well, maybe a little bit, but this is not bad, because as long as there's not a government law that's making you do this, and companies are trying it. if there is a big cost to this,
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if this ends up costing the companies then no other companies are going to try doing this again. so this is why the free market is such a great thing. if it does cost them a lot, the problem is, if the government writes a law, it costs all of us a lot and they blame it -- >> that's a great point. a guy who has a minimum wage of $70,000 a year and watches his whole company yes, ma'implode. >> they know people won't take advantage of it, we value career and moving along and advancing ourselves over family. it makes them look good and they wouldn't lose money because people won't take advantage of it. >> you seem like a guy who would take maternity leave after getting a puppy. >> i got to make a baby. i got to make one soon. this is great because we're all pro family. >> yes, we are. >> maybe this is a way for netflix trying to get us to repopulate. >> maybe this is their grand
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scheme. it's an incentive. >> netflix is the worst way to repopulate. end up binge watching and you don't have any sex. >> if you binge watch lexington feel -- >> what is that? >> i think that was a character on dynasty. >> i think this is a strategy to have people take time off, but what do they do? they watch netflix. >> right, because netflix hires all of its viewers. that's a great theory, greg. >> they do! >> i just want to work less, that's all i want. >> you're on your way, under obama's america, everyone is working less, fewer hours. anyway, time to take a break. something, something, jon stewart, something, something, farewell. tonight's show is brought to you by the bob kuzy. problem solved. get a bob kuzy today. get a boob kooz zee today.
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we danced in a german dance group. i wore when i first got on ancestry i was really surprised that i wasn't finding all of these germans in my tree. i decided to have my dna tested through ancestry dna. the big surprise was we're not german at all. 52% of my dna comes from scotland and ireland. so, i traded in my lederhosen for a kilt.
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ancestry has many paths to discovering your story. get started for free at ♪ finally, tonight, a question that's been bugging me all week. now of course jon stewart did not die. he just left his show. but the way the news covered it, you'd think he left this earth. >> jon stewart won't be around to comment on the republican department. >> what am i, a clown? is that what you think? [cheers and applause] >> the irreplaceable jon stewart. >> stewart has said he's just a comedian, cracking jokes, but his legacy goes beyond the laughs. >> underneath the facade of a funny man was a civics teacher at heart. >> i really did think he died.
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anyway, but he didn't. he's fine! he's alive. thanks to kennedy, john devor, joanne, kathryn and the students who did an awesome job. i'm greg gutfeld, and i love you, america. >> so exciting. i hope they look handsome. selfie, selfie. yay! we're watching the debates. >> bret baier. >> bret baier, oh, so good tonight. >> mm-hm. he's bringing his a-game. >> oh, oh, he's um, he's, that guy, he was that governor, right? he was a governor? >> nobody's crying. it's like they don't even care. >> ah! >> that was really bad. that was really, really bad. >> seems like everybody's pro-america. >> yeah. >> they all say they are for america. >> uh-huh.
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peach schnapps was the worst idea. >> what is schnapps? >> i bet lindsey graham likes peach schnapps. and i bet ben carson drinks red wine, because it's good for your heart. he's a doctor. >> how long is this thing? >> i don't know. it's too long. i mean, it's longer than "inception." >> oh, nobody likes "inception". everybody pretends to love "inception." >> titanic, that's a long film i could get on board, not literally on board because it sanction. >> how dabout it's just law & order svu. >> and then you here a boom boom. >> who would be president? >> chris maloney.
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>> stabler! stabler! stabler! ♪ >> i don't want to watch theis anymore. >> me neither. >> can we flip for just a few seconds? they're doing a marathon. hillary clinton wants you to respond using only emojis. i guess she likes her reviews done by highlight magazine. and "sesame street" is moving to hbo. will this lead to more puppet nudity? first, a news break.


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