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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  March 20, 2016 7:00pm-8:01pm PDT

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the intelligent, all-new audi a4 is here. ♪ ♪ ain't got time to make no apologies...♪ have a great weekend. hi, i'm greg >> hi. i am greg gutfeld. here's what's coming up. protestors showing up at the trump rallies. don't they have better things to do? the short answer, no. the long answer, no. >> the hackers found in brussel. but how long would these air? belgium dropped a waffle on the stupid losers. will they kill us all or possibly kill us all? i will tell you why they need to destroy them where before they destroy us? >> joanne, katherine. does trump deserve a hate for not liking his rare or is it unfair?
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let's get started i have a ceramics class in an hour. (applause) >> what a sexy audience. let's welcome tonight's guests. if political expertise were a rash we would have them covered in ointment. circus political ad viseor mark kk minute con. he has more tattoos than the 7th fleet. he's a founding member of jane's addiction a great band. you can find him on ink master and the great new tock r documentary morning signs. dave navarro. he is so tall his hobby is peering over stalls in public bathrooms. you have probably seen his face. every cabinet is a liquor cabinet joanne no, sir sh
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nosuchinsky. first welcome to the trump tower of terror. oh, yes, it is scary and fun. once you get on you may never get off. last week in chicago total chaos. saturday new york cities marched to the trump building. arizona went to the roads of trump's rally. what was missing? alcohol. it is utah, after all. good for them. they are still shouting somewhere in chicago park. >> aren't you aware by holding that video camera on me you are surrounded by your privilege. take your privilege somewhere else, all right? your privilege is not welcome here. so unless you are here to
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dismantle your privilege, please, find somewhere else to go. >> that was the opposite of appealing. here's an exercise. if you are worried about the republicans for trump think of that lady. under clinton that could be secretary of education. still we are told that trump is elected it will be anarchy. if it is not elected it will be an arco 2 we have chaos and riots even from trump himself. >> i don't think you can say we can get it automatically. i think you would have riots. >> don't worry. not like the riots are violent. >> is he suggesting there will be violence? >> i don't think he said violence. he said riots. >> what is that by definition? >> i don't accept that. >> why should you, sir? riots are nothing when you consider an alien engrayings.
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>> it is not of this world. i don't know what it is and what it is doing but it is not human intelligence. it is not human intelligence. >> when he said not human intelligence he wasn't kidding. i feel like he ripped off this guy. >> the fourth of july will no longer be known as an american holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice we will not go quietly into the night. >> i am thinking alex could use some music. >> i want to go to space. i want what god promises. i won't sit here and watch satan steal it. that is the fight. that's the key. that's everything. >> so much better. a we are head to go the dark days. full house returned. i don't remember america asking for had a. conservatives fearful of trump are holding secret meetings to
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stop them. we were there. >> i (indiscernible). the old cross. >> meanwhile the left is planning more protests to stop trump. we have footage of that, too. >> the old cross! (indiscernible). >> if you didn't know any better you would think trump is a well off freddie krueger chucky all grown-up. the magazine calls him a global economic threat. everyone is scared (bleep)less. with what? trump is a mystery bag of adorable bluster.
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he is that kardashian you have never seen. crowds burning flags shouting death to america and so on. is it so bad we are the ones generating fear around the globe. i live in new york city where there's a scary trump guy on each block. it is a real scary drunk guy. hands off, shirt ripped waiting and discarded field hockey stick a scent of human waste in the air. fear brings a sense of freedom that you never had. maybe trump is turning america into the scary drunk guy on the block. the block that we call earth. remember this used to be us. ♪
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>> now we are this. (laughter) >> that's what america is going to become, who would want to mess with that. >> period. >> you are the campaign trail expert here. how truly terrified should we be of a trump presidency? >> it is freddie krueger time? >> really? is that because you are a part of the establishment? >> it is looking increasingly like a trump clinton race. >> what is wrong with planet earth being scared of this? isn't that good? >> this is democracy in action.
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it is the the best and the brightest. >> i think you are being sarcastic. thank you for being here even though it makes no sense. >> are you afraid of trump? >> i am afraid of what's going on with the gop. i am afraid of the process we have right now. we have a frontrunner who is polar identifiesing and scary. he's making a lot of people really nervous. it seems to be what the people are asking for. yet we are the gop in back rooms trying to prevent this from happening. i worry more about democracy right now at this point. what we are dealing with is we potentially somebody in danger of being indicted or we have a fully doesn't know specific policy and can't give us a fourr a third option that we have yet to decide what that is or have it be decided for us. >> i think you should be the option. >> the most fully taxed
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president since james poll. >> he had a tramp stamp. >> you have a trump stamp which is funny. >> it reads donald trump and then it goes back to trump. anyway nobody knows what i am talking about. >> you are a comedian or so you claim. if trump is president, does that make your job harder? >> it makes it easier. trump speaks at a fourth grade level. that's a fact. i kind of want him to be president because we don't need free dodge because you don't have to go. a 6th grade education makes you two grades smarter than he is. >> i think donald trump is brilliant. >> they made a massive mistake when they continued to fill in
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the rules. in 2012 they put the ron paul rule in. you can't be on the ballot in case of a brokered convention. now they are forced to be in a position where they have to repeal that law and as soon as they do that they come to a brokered convention and they stop fiddling with the rules of democracy like adhd did fiddles with everything. they need to stop messing with democracy. >> am i supposed to sit on this? >> would it be more of a out cry because they would be fiddling with democracy. they were kind of taking care of what the protestors was doing. dave navarro touched me everybody. he was the happiest man on the face of the planet. >> what did he touch -- show me
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where he touched you? >> we keep talking about women. how trump is having problems with member and trump is having problem with men in more ways than one. how could we win them over? >> we are at a point when i don't think you are winning over new people or losing supporters because protestors say you should. people's minds are kind of made up. you are going to see with nominee or trump as the gop nominee and hillary that he is going to change tactics a little bit. he's going to have to. he's a smart man. we are going to see that. trump as president would not be the end of the world. if anything we will have four years of nothing. it will be four years of nothing getting done. our government prevents him from
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ruining everything. >> i will change. >> i could be the most political than you have ever seen. >> making changes now in the face of the rioting that is happening with protestors to be presidential and speak to the people and say listen you guys have a right to protest. you have a right. this makes nations great and do it peacefully. >> i am going to bring cat in there because he's fuming over there. ben mentioned my celebrity crush ron paul. still all hot and bothered over there. >> say something powerful about this what we are talking about. >> i think everybody is scared we are all scared that nobody understands. we can't understand anything of what is going on in the election. ufsh thinks tru -- everybody th
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trump is going away. he's not going away. >> he said nothing very smart. he said don't worry it is only four years. like a dad saying when you have a nightmare it's not really happening. i go back to my original point, if the globe was a city block he cannot only be the policeman now he can be the crazy guy. >> i think what would be worse is if you are a socialist country. it is the worse case scenario whatever that rag is. >> a story so mind boggling i had forgotten what it is. is it good and evening or is it evil verses evil? i am stocking up on gold and silver and reverse mortgaging my catheter. evil versus evil? either way i'm stocking up using
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the election cycle >> it's going to get worse. for any indictment or contested indictments hillary and donald become the nominees and they are
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setting their sights on each other. trump has already come out with this ad. >> meantime during hillary clinton as super tuesday victory speech he exaggerated on his campaign. >> when we hear a candidate for president call for rounding up 12 million immigrants banning all muslims from enter ting the united states, when he embraces torture that doesn't make him strong, it makes him wrong. >> blah, blah, blah. blah, blah, blah. blah. blah. >> there is this anti trump ad
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where donald trump has comments on women. >> a person who is very flat chested is very hard to be intent. >> i look at the ugly face of hers look at that face? any one vote for that? >> she had the height and beauty. she was crazy. these are minor details. >> it doesn't matter what you write. as long as you have beautiful women you have to treat them like... >> things got weird in the extended cut which our staff uncovered. >> a person who is very flat chested is very hard to be intent. >> i like big butts and i cannot lie. other brothers can't deny. >> doesn't matter what you write lon as long as you have a beautiful piece of (bleep). >> she has a ticket to ride but she don't care. is it worth it? let me work it i put my thing down flip it and reverse it.
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here she comes watch out boys she will chew up up. i like it when the beat goes danaduna. she has sightless eyes telling me no lies. knocking me out with those american thighs. >> women, you have to treat them like (bleep). >> that was unexpected. what do you feel about the mash up. you think there's a possibility that trump concludes that gap? >> not doing a good job of it right now. he needs to speak to the undecideds and open it up to be a little more inclusive. right now his base isn't going anywhere. they are i am moveable. i worry about, i look forward to watching one of the other.
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on the debate page. >> he gets under people's skin. they stole his punch lines. it is interesting what is happening. i think bernie supporters will be upset. they will make sure his campaign never had legs. i don't think they are going to go out and support hillary. i think some of the white working class bernie supporters have be have been left out of the success they have felt they might go ore to trump. he can flank her on the left according to the foreign policy experience which is more and more hawkish than bush. i think it will be a fascinating ex spiritme riment. >> that was an in-depth answer i didn't expect from you.
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>> i failed miserably. if this happened if it is hillary verses trump it is the most enter tainting battle. >> it is a circus. >> the dog barking bit was the best moment of her campaign. i would put it in her ad. what a great human moment that was. >> her human moment was acting like an animal. >> beware of what you asked for. the thing about trump you can't plan for what he is going to do. >> he never tangled with him at the ohm meant. >> he has no paper trail or bureaucracy. >> it is quite helpful. >> hillary clinton has become
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with bernie sanders. hillary clinton became a dog. get the feeling she is going to go with that strategy. >> all right cat. hillary was at donald trump's wedding and got to be awkward when you are debating. he gave lots of money to her. >> are people that rich capable of true friendship? is i don't. he will throw everybody for a loop and he will go more left than bernie. his supporters won't notice because they are too busy insulting anybody who said anything bad about him and then the bernie ones will cam over and he will win, that could be a thing you could do. >> there you go. >> could hillary clinton be inaugurated in jail on skype? you can be on scrape for an
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inaugural address? >> it is reality tk v i am on board to watch the whole season. we are going to see more of these attack ads i caution people who were launching them to remember so much of it was taken out of context. unfortunately for you, greg, there is something floating around the interview right now. you said i don't know if you have seen it can we roll that? >> real great gutfeld quotes as read by his staff. >> time to embrace the metric system. i don't like to talk to people. i breakdown on the debate i want everyone else lost. >> you know who else didn't go to college? charles manson. >> i don't like the way my hair looks so we are doing the whole show over. >> i really didn't say those things. >> he can work it against any one or in any one's favor.
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>> i think i came out looking pretty good after that. >> still to come i get tacos after the show with my close friend karl withers. score one for the good guys. itch a suggestion that involves water and boarding. ion on what y should do with him. it involves water and boarding. when you think about success, what does it look like? is it becoming a better professor by being a more adventurous student? is it one day giving your daughter the opportunity she deserves? is it finally witnessing all the artistic wonders of the natural world? whatever your definition of success is, helping you pursue it, is ours. t-i-a-a.
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>> yes it is time for a news moment the serious story up front and a party in the back. first up, isis the main tool
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behind the paris attacks that killed people on friday been on the run since neve and earlier this week an american surrendered to kurdish forces after joining isis in january. he had a few regrets. he grew up in virginia said he wasn't into the intensive training and that he quote made a bad decision and wasn't thinking straight. >> at the time i made a decision to go because i wasn't thinking straight. on the way there i regretted. i didn't see myself living in that environment. i wanted to go back to america. >> love the hand shot. >> millennials, eating at chipotle is a bad decision, joining isis is just (bleep)
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stupid. >> yeah, mark, good point. he is going to have to leave that off his rez nay. in between working at wal-mart and self publishing his journal he was in isis. >> not to mention he's a proven flip flopper. >> all will be forgotten. >> yes. his interviewer will go like, you were only with isis for a few months. >> do you have any references? you have osama bin laden. >> we are going to be with him for eight months. i think we will go with that. >> you weren't doing any beheading? >> he left. one of the reasons why he left, no smoking. >> he changed his mind.
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he ever get invited to a party, he goes this is not what i thought it was going to be. he can't come back. people have shut me out for way less than trying to join isis. i feel like all of my ex boyfriends texted me back not like i tried to join isis. >> that's why we keep you over there. what kills me i found out belgium has a ban on police race. you can't do them between 5 and 9:00 a.m. this makes no sense to me. is this crazy? at midnight or 12:30 there are a lot of bank robberies between 5 and 9. they are running terrorist errands. you get one free jihadi pass. this one is going to be the most patriotic american in the country. he saw what the other side was
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and now he's going to come back and i think he is fully embracing freedom. >> what should we do with him? >> don't we have a 6 by 4 cell somewhere we can put him. >> that's a new york condo. >> was he even there long enough to have intel? that's the question. >> he was a guy who decided to follow a van. that's what it was. >> there is a lot of music in isis. >> maybe the religious training wasn't for him. >> he was there for the chicks. joe, you by his story? he claims he met an iraqi girl in turkey and she helped him join. isn't it always the women? >> oh, yeah, we are very powerful. also just a regular millennial to a woman, to an idea to a job. can't fault him for that. >> knew there wouldn't be much competition. >> that is true as well. >> the other guy was found in
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mol la mow la limb beak. the times are changing. i came up with that. modeling agency img has signed a plus size male model meet zach meko or as i like to call him jack meko. by the way img prefers the term brawn for the plus size male models. curve for models like ashley gram. what the hell is that when they see me naked. i didn't know this about you. you are a plus size male model. i went on auditions for extradition extra large. get back to me. kmart get back to me. i am 6 foot 6 and i am a size 38. i am so much better than milo? you are pathetic milo. i am coming for your gig. >> i think they call you the
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husband cany model. >> my suit size was 54 portly. i didn't eat a lot. >> you date models. you are also kind of an expert. >> i have no expert on the plus size. >> i think you are on the wrong side of the fence. >> if it wasn't johnny good man at one point the sexiest model alive or actor alive? >> isn't the plus size guy just a normal guy? think about it. the>> it could be a ploy by the fashion industry to sell more garments to people who otherwise wouldn't buy them. >> it was the last time plus size people walked into cu qucue
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boutiques. >> back then in the early 40's or 50's over weight men could wear a suit and still look good. modeling is over. it is all going to be robots. it will all be robots. robots aren't getting hotter. >> self driving models. they do mechanical cocaine. >> look for another line of work. >> i don't need to see clothes on models. i think it takes away from everything. do you agree? >> well, they put on clothes for a living. i think you do need to see clothes on models. kind of the whole thing. she taught, rig -- she is hot a guy is hot they are bigger than any one else all of a sudden they are heros. we have little short dwarf models like you there will be progress. you should write a letter. >> i write many letters to models.
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all right. next up showers and thunderstorms will continue to develop this weekend. showers and thunderstorms are what i call my pets. are driverless cars a tool of satan or is satan the tool of driveless cars. the tool of dri cars? i wrote both questions on nyquil. if you'll be in the new york area and would like thanks man. imagine if the things you bought every day... ...earned you miles to get to the places you really want to go. with the united mileageplus explorer card, you'll get a free checked bag, two united club passes, priority boarding, and 30,000 bonus miles. everything you need for an unforgettable vacation. the united mileageplus explorer card. imagine where it will take you.
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the self driving suv is on the right. the path blocked by sandbags who tried to man you have around them and drifted into the path of a bus. the car choose to avoid a sandbag good preferring the path of a bus, bad. no one was hurt. it got me thinking if driver les cars are the future what happens if they have to make a decision about what to hit. this car choose to hit a bus instead of a sandbag. that scares me. consider this example. a family of four is riding in their new driverless car along cliff side road. this is already a terrible idea. the car detects an obstacle an adorable dog. perhaps to avoid hitting the dog the car swerves out of the way and sends this family vacation to the end. everyone dies, but thank god the
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mutt is okay. so there you have it. driverless cars are going to kill us all to save dogs. >> would you trust yourself to drive a self driving car? >> the s class car would protect the driver or the passenger where the c class would end up going over the mountain. >> do you have to buy the more expensive car that would kill the dog? >> why do we want more automobiles on the road with lifeless forces operating them. we have millions of them across the country. >> what about you, ben? can you fit in a car? >> i have never been in one. i hear they are really nice. >> i think it will be more difficult for the murder plot to go through if the car is constantly stopping every time a neighborhood dog comes out. >> if you want somebody in the car to die you run in front of
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the car. the car goes off the road. >> you are a brainy person. have you ever thought about the technology? >> you are dreaming, mark. >> isn't this broadcasting to isis members we don't have to blow ourselves up any more. we will just send the cars. >> that is terrifying. it is a whole another theory for another week. >> i think i would love a robot that could make all of my moral decisions for me. how wonderful would that be? you are the one not responsible. it is whoever made the self driving car would be held responsible it wouldn't be me and i would be too drunk to defend myself anyway. >> doesn't the driver of the car get to choose the music, though?
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>> it will be terrible. >> all right, cat. a robot is going to take over the world, and do you care? >> yes i doncare and i don't rey care. it's okay. it could be more nice than regular people. i don't want to have to drive a car because i am bad at it. >> in a weird way you already put a robot in your mouth when you vap. that's a mek candy vice. >> it gives me nicotine which makes me happy and i love it. it is better to live a life of love than one without it. beautiful, right guys? >> it is not beautiful. it is sad but not true. have you seen the lifetime channel? >> i have, i live for it. >> he is known for his hair but he won't eat his stake rare. the debate of all times, next.
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>> i am your moderator bill o'reilly. last week donald trump's long time butler revealed to the new
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york time the with the national paper the republican frontrunner orders his steak well done. so well done it is like a rock on a plate. here to debate whether the man orders his steak well done can effectively run this country joanne notch not joanne nosuchinsky and katherine. cat some say it is worthy of disqualification. is it? >> people who word their steak well done they have no taste or they are paranoid about bacteria. we don't need another paranoid president. this proves they would amount to vote for carpet bombing every country. the countries highlighted in yellow would be carveed by a president who insist on a well done steak. if you notice it is all of the countries even canada, what do you have against canada?
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>> i have a lot against canada. we can't get into that here. >> is it pos i believe so trump might not like steak? >> trump holds a successful line of steaks that were delicious an loved by everyone. consider this a very real 60 minute survey found that 36 percent of americans frprefer wl dunham bergers. trump requests the preferences of the people. >> will a president who eats rock hard meat appear weak to other countries? >> it shows he's a man afraid of blood. if you are afraid of blood how can you defend isis and a country. >> it requires a lot of chewing and the mandible is the strongest bone in the you man face. he's showing his strength and
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power to the rest of the world with every bite. >> maybe trump cooks all of his food. >> the president doesn't have time for food poisoning. neither do i. it makes me a great american. >> that's a lie. exhibit a. the steak look well done to you, greg? >> it is as red as her dress. >> i have never even seen you eat. >> i don't. >> thank to the appetite electronic significant grits, i don't even miss it. >> that was clearly a ploy for the e significacig company. >> closing statement, kat. >> a steak well done will no longer lead to world war iii. blood in the steak or blood on your hands?
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>> there is nothing more conservative than avoiding rather meet. if you want a job to be done well get a guy who orders his steak well done. thank you. >> as usual we have learned nothing from these two. now i am starving. >> the greatest party gifts you will ever see in the history of television are on the line. stick around. here's the plan. you're a financial company that cares, but your logo is old and a little pointy. so you evolve. you simplify. you haven't changed. you still help people live their best lives. and finally your new logo is ready, and you decide the perfect time to show the world is right... now.
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(all) oooh. who's had chickenpox? scoot over. and look that nasty rash can pop up anywhere and the pain can be even worse than it looks. talk to your doctor or pharmacist. about a vaccine that can help prevent shingles. whewhat does it look like?ss, is it becoming a better professor by being a more adventurous student? is it one day giving your daughter the opportunity she deserves? is it finally witnessing all the artistic wonders of the natural world? whatever your definition of success is, helping you pursue it, is ours. t-i-a-a. >> it is time for parting gifts.
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they will get a memento for the greg gutfeld shrine. the first gift possibly one of the greatest gifts ever a full box set of the planet of the apes tv series. this is not the movie. this is the tv series. it ran for i think one season and it is three dvd's. i watched all of them and i never want to watch them again. the question is, who was the guy yelling conspiracy theories in the a block? greg gutfeld, donald trump, alex jones, all of the above? anybody? >> here you go, sir. i don't want to throw it, because if it hits you in the face i get sued. it will be the third time this week. >> i don't even know if that was the right answer. maybe i yelled one, too. >> this microphone is special to me. i had it removed. the emergency room had it removed. i fall on a lot of things.
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okay. next, this is an actual jorge w. bush doll. you can hold it. you can hold it for now. which of these things did greg's staff quote him saying time for my daily foot sash, if you can't beat them, stop them. if i don't like how my hair hooks. >> i am not going to be able to get it from you anyway. >> congratulations. >> a lot of people don't realize there are certain things in the show that don't end up being in the show. can you open this for me. we are going to do a whole had heing -- whole segment on north korea but we ran out of room. this is a poster they made for me. the winner has to guess what
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that text says up there. it says what does the korean text in the propaganda poster say? greg is the tallest man i have ever seen, in unicorn we trust, greg is superior and likes bacon? >> likes baying bacon. >> i will sue init for $400. >> there is no show next weekend. at no times easter weekend. we will be back on saturday april 2nd. thank you. i am greg gutfeld. i love you, americas. (applause) only darkness everyday and not the [ bleep ] -- who run the >> who runs the world? girls.
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who runs the world? girls. okay. make your booty go... sorry. i think all of the songs i know are about... trade deals are destroying the middle-class. we have amnesty and the iran nuke deal and hillary breezed throughout benghazi hearings and politicians are wrecking the nation. here comes don would trump said you blew it.


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