tv The Greg Gutfeld Show FOX News April 2, 2016 10:00pm-11:01pm PDT
durst" and my questioning for justice. you can hear for me for hours like my mother does. remember to friend me on facebook, follow me on twitter or follow me on "justice with judge jeanine." i'm saying good night from l.a. i'm greg gutfeld. here's what's coming up -- trump plumps, hillary gets pilloried. doesn't anybody realize the wisconsin primary is on tuesday? it's called the hot chair. helps you feel safe and warm and protect you from scary things like political ads, written in chalk. should white people be banned from wearing dreadlocks. the woman in this video thinks so. who are we to judge? dreads, i've missed you, america. avenue horrible rash and it's spreading. [ applause ]
that's clearly the best looking audience in the history of television and i include huckabee's. let's welcome the guests. if he were a state he'd have 90 delegates, 'tna wrestler tyrus. yeah, look at that. she's so bright, children use her to burn wings off flies. it's democratic pollster and strategist jessica tarloff. sensitive as a paper cut on a hangnail, male feminist and stay at home blogger miles mckinnest. he like a clotheline in the storm, three sheets to the wind, joanne. finally, in school they called her four eyes because she looked like a poe tate it's "national review" reporter cat.
with the wisconsin primary just days away, voters continue to discuss the candidates in a civil thoughtful manner. >> [ bleep ] you, you fat [ bleep ]. are you kidding? i just gave you what you wanted. i just gave you what you wanted. it's a [ bleep ] circus, everybody. >> look. >> di that on purpose. it's all a [ bleep ] show here. >> that sound. on his head. that was on purpose. he's like a traveling gymnast. can we see that face plant again? >> look. look. >> what's great about this is he cut out the middleman. instead of waiting for a trump support story hit him in the face he did it himself. that's initiative and what about his majestic exit after sticking the landing with his face? >> i did that on purpose. it's all a [ bleep ] show here.
>> that walk. you know he went straight to the er. his brain is screaming you idiot. you're 40 and you know what he got there, the nurses were prepped. got another trump protester face plant. won't these fools ever learn you got to be in shape to do this [ bleep ]. god, i love it. [ bleep ] you, you fat [ bleep ]. i just gave you what you wanted. i just gave you all what you wanted. it's a [ bleep ] circus, everybody. look. look. >> look. i did that on purpose. it's all a [ bleep ] show here. >> so you know, you know this, in ten years his story will change. he'll say, i was there, man. on the front lines against trump. there were like 50 of them they were all yelling the "n" word. i took one down. that's why i have a scar that looks like a cigarette butt on my face.
hippie patchouli is right. it sounded like a crazy sitcom full of pratt falls and blunders starring everyone's wacky candidate who gets into all sorts of mischief. ♪ ♪ ♪ that's my trump. >> moisture hydrant chris matthews peppered our hero. >> should the woman be punished for an abortion? this is not something you can dodge. you have to deal with it under the law. should abortion be punished? >> well, people in certain parts of the republican party and conservative republicans would say, yes, they should be punished. >> what about you? >> i would say that it's a very
serious problem and it's a problem that we have to decide on. >> oh, please don't make it any worse. >> do you believe in punishment for abortion, yes or no, as a principle? >> the answer is that there has to be some form of punishment. >> for the woman? >> yeah, there has to be some form. >> yeah, he made it worse. all right, maybe he should just move on to foreign position. like, you know, making america great again. people love that stuff. >> the problem is, you know, we have the geneva convention, we have all sorts of rules and regulation, our soldiers are afraid to fight. >> now, i get it. i get it. i hate regulations t the scum like isis who we're fighting don't even know what a rule is but can't you please phrase it a little better. let see if he'd nuke europe. >> we won't use in europe. >> i won't take it off the table. >> you won't use it in europe. >> no, i don't think so. >> i'll never use it in europe, say it. >> i am not taking cards off the
table. >> so once again what does this is a about our donald? this is all being done on the fly with a staff as raw as a vegan's diet which is what we always knew. he never expected this to happen. trump's like that high school senior who has a joke, asks some famous hot celebrity to the prom and she said yes and now it's like, what do i do next? i don't even have a car. a tuxedo, a job. that's trump right now. this was just a lark. and now it's a sitcom with that always annoying neighbor. >> would you promise that you won't take money -- >> i am so sick of the sanders campaign lying about it. >> i can't guide whether he she a hyped up mrs. roper or a slimmed down newman. either way, that is trump's ace in the hole, that no matter how
bad you think he might be, consider that alternative and that's this week's edition of -- ♪ that's my trump >> all right. tyrus, you're an athlete or were an athlete or looks like you ate fourth lets. >> which one is it? >> it's the last one. >> i'm about to protest you which means i'm going to hit you. >> i know. brotester, what's the lesson there. >> for anyone who rode a bike fast when you were 8 and fell in front of your friend, that's what that was. he backed himself in a corner. if he had one more sentence, want me to do a backflip, i do nothing for your pleasure, trump and walked off, same effect without the tears -- what's wrong? nothing, i'm just really passionate. okay. and he went in his car and sat for awhile and just was crying and smelling acorns because a
bone was sticking out of his shoulder. you get smacked in the head you don't feel it till the next day. >> you are a trump fan. >> trying to be. >> that's the point. i'm trying. >> he demands a lot from you, doesn't he? >> donald, just do this. whenever they ask you a question say, that's a great question. i got a guy for that. i'm going to hire out and outsource. >> unfortunately, the guy is almost always gary busey. jest characters thanks for being on the show again. okay, you could pick from three things, the protesters, hillary's performance which is scary or trump's future. go for it. >> i'm going to go with hillary because i need to defend her. i don't think anyone else will be doing that. >> no. >> i think you all say i don't want her, no personality. that was personality. that was something. it wasn't too loud, wasn't too kwai set, the perfect amount of yelling.
sanders' campaign, they tell some lies about her so -- i thought it was great. >> bill clinton -- >> the fight song in the background was the best part. >> it was great. definitely like a scene from "mean girls." you know bill is listening and saying, i've heard that before. right before -- right before the lamp comes. true. we know that story. okay, miles, you're a protester, you've been on the front, occupy wall street. >> yeah, i was there. >> you were there. >> do you remember it? >> of course, i remember it. what are you implying we were all stoned? that was woodstock. >> what did you make of that poor protester? >> i don't understand what everyone is freak out about. he was clearing playing a character lampooning trump and that's a great way to convey a message and mock someone. it is mocking trump. he did it beautifully. you keep talking about what happened afterward. you weren't there. he did a joke backflip and said i did that on purpose. >> yes. >> it's a character, people. wake up. >> all right. >> our thoughts on hillary?
>> she's not left wing enough for me. eye a bernie guy. i like that. it showed sass. she was like a mother bear guarding her young and going, well, get back and that's what she's doing with america. we're her young. that's why we need a woman president. good at guarding what -- >> like fossil fuels are the baby there is that she's holding on to. >> analogies get tricky sometimes. >> oh, gosh. all right, jo, how do you feel about this week so far and next week? what are your thoughts. >> i try not to think. i try to watch a lot of movies and i recently watched for the first time "mie koy cousin vinn made rerealize donald trump is joe pesci in "my cousin vinny." new in up to, the outsider, a whole lot of talk, america is ralph macchio. and trump has promised to clean up our mess and we're just waiting for him to deliver. and female voters are maria so
may. it's a love/hate relationship and sought some point we have to put our foot down in order for him to deliver and hopefully trump will actually look at joe pesci and be like i should do that i should study, i should commit to the part and maybe we'll win. >> he won't. just to put that out there. he doesn't look at anybody and say i should do that he looks in the mirror and goes, i am that. >> kat, did the trump train get off the track or is this one of those little bumps he gets over and keeps going. >> i think this is the exact same as it's been for the entire time. this is why people like trump. rough and tough trump. everybody is all pc and it's not pc to say it's okay to torture people and chop off their heads but not trump. everybody says, yeah, you know, people are just trying to get him to say wacky stuff. people say they should have him give specific policy answers but he doesn't have those. >> that's true. that's why we love him. >> for an interesting interview maybe he'll nuke europe or chop
off heads. that's good television. >> by the way, europe overrated. let's face it. all right. what is not overrated is this new ad. by a super pac for kasich, not sure, kind of gave us all nightmares
about ted cruz. >> many just call him lyin' ted. lied about ben carson to steal a win in iowa. lies about being the best for the gop when polls show he can't even beat hillary clinton. his tv ad about john kasich, lies, station has to pull it off the air. if ted cruz's mouth is moving, he's lying. >> new day independent media inc. is responsible for the content of this advertising? >> it looks like a phallic play-doh machine a noose made of jimmy dean sausage. what do you think, tyrus? >> everybody is on donald. how in the blue hell did cruz
get this far? nobody likes him. >> it's true. >> his college buddies didn't like him. his daughter doesn't like him. nobody likes him. the reasons other politicians are mad about the lying thing because they lie too. they don't -- cruz will be like i'm not the only one. everyone else is lying. many donald trump is like i don't lie. keep running that, it's creepy. showing how cruz is where he is at. >> i don't know if i'm disgusted or aroused. >> i would have went a different way with that. miles -- >> i'm disgusted. >> by what is. >> an appropriation of the be r rundi woman. >> thanks for clarifying, miles. i've seen the documentaries. coming up a store so fantastic i might keep it to myself. first, campus cry babies, will they ever toughen up? not if i can help it otherwise i'd have nothing to write about.
when it comes to small business, she's in the know. so strap yourselves in for action flo! small business edition. oh, no! i'm up to my neck in operating costs! i'll save the day! for plumbers and bakers and scapers of lawn, she's got customized coverage you can count on. you chipped my birdbath! now you're gonna pay! not so fast! i cover more than just cars and trucks. ♪ action flo
[announcer] skip the drama. get your diploma. i got that. you are good to go! [announcer] take that first step towards a better future. find free adult education classes at finishyourdiploma.org. when looking for a van to take your business to the next level, look for more. with the ram promaster and promaster city,
you can do more. hold more. handle more. organize more. and get more out of every drop. all for less. ♪ stop. you know what this is, it looks like something michael moore might vomit after binging ben and jerry but it's a sofa that hugs you. it's from south korea but is meant for american students that need a safe space from everything. this week wussy students came unhinged after coming across trump 2016 and they compared such messages to the confederate flag which may be a compliment
and the university of north carolina held a competency workshop otherwise known as hell asking the brats to examine white privilege. being able to use flesh colored band-aids that match your skin. band-aids are racist because they're beige. i guess -- i guess arm casts are worse than hitler. now, the word of the day is a accommodation. cowardice, trump's moral character as we lost the will to condemn any idiocy which brings me back. if anything we need the opposite. well maybe not that far but i'm thinking of a whole line of campus furniture. instead after a sofa that hugs you one that electrocutes you or a phi ton, if you lay on it if you worked harder you'd have a real bad like normal people. i had a few ton. i had a few ton, i left it on the street. what about a chair that punches
you in the face every time you quote sarah silverman. perhaps if people can't be honest inanimate objects could do it instead. this guy made a robot that looks like scarlett johansson. >> what will you do in the future. >> i think robotics are the new manufacturing and it can help people to do some work and go to the top of the mountain and realize our world's adventure. >> that's not creepy at all. but maybe after we humans have abdicated our moral responsibilities then robots can do it for us. among other things. she's cute, after all. >> period! >> she doesn't eat. miles, how do you feel about this band-aid privilege? >> well, it's a wake-up call to white males have been strolling through life. mocha colored people, bowling
ball colored. they don't have any band-aids. >> that's not true. they do have band-aids. >> they're probably hard to get. i think you're talking about ebon-aids. so you cut yourself and get on the internet and order them. by the time they show up it's a big cesarean scar on your hand. >> you were covered with tattoos. should we have band-aids that -- supply don't give a damn what it looks like as long as it stops the bleeding. fashionably off, my band-aid is usually ironman or a cartoon character, whatever is in the house so i don't care. horse, little unicorns, i don't give a damn as long as it stops the bleeding. >> i like a band-aid that looks like an open wound. >> not my first choice but i got the white guy band-aid on me again. >> did you call him white guy band dances. you are a tall woman. i just thought i'd point that out and move on.
couldn't i easily say you're guilty of tall privilege. >> but it's not my fault. obviously like white privilege, you're just born into it, right my dad's fall, 6'4". it just happens. it's on the band-aid front. that was totally ridiculous and i don't understand it. i have hello kitty band-aids. on behalf that this stuff brings us great shame and doesn't make any sense. >> we have things on both sides -- >> yours is louder and might be president. >> nicely done. kat wlashgs is wrong with just an open wound? is it a band-aid wound shaming? >> i don't want a hug chair. i got a lot going on but if you ever hear me talking like emotionally about any of my furniture, like buy me one that kills me. okay? >> you want one of those kevorkian band. >> not yet. i'm not 30 yet. >> he's dead so there you go.
all right, joanne, what do you make of this. >> greg, can you find a sense of stuff everywhere. i learned this the hard way this week. take a look. joanne what, are you doing? >> i'm drawing hopscotch. >> hopscotch is so offensive. it's ablist. >> able-bodied people are the only people that can hopscotch. >> oh, you've got to be kidding me. >> you didn't think about how many things in this city are offensive, did you? >> i haven't. >> come on. i'll show. >> you all right. >> privilege. ♪ >> oh, the yankees. let's go yankees. >> did you really just shout out a civil war rally cry, joanne. do you understand how bad that could be for some >> i just root for guys. >> men's wearhouse. >> what's wrong with men's
wearhouse. it identifies as men's wearhouse. >> okay. >> yes. >> i know you can find nothing wrong with pretzels. >> you know who eats pretzels? german people. you know who was german, hitler. you like hitler? >> i like pretzels more. >> okay, please do not ruin happy hour for me. >> you know who is not having a happy hour? victims of human trafficking. >> oh. >> okay, i really think i'm getting the hang of this. let me see what else i can find that is really offensive. okay, this place, xenophobic. >> right. >> segregating american girls from other girls around the world. >> why can't all the girls go to the place? 2016. >> all right. >> i'm not even -- >> i thought this was a family city.
>> kat, joanne, have a nice day. >> what the [ bleep ] did he just say to me. did you just tell me to have a nice [ bleep ] day? that's bull [ bleep ]. no, no, you want mansplain to me -- you with your white privilege. you would never understand what it's like to be me in this world and having a very nice day. oh, no. you and your barber shopping, you probably pay your taxes on time. completely offloading as a woman. i can't believe you would just let your -- suffocate me. i'm suffocating. i'm suffocating, kat, i'm suffocating. it's too much, i need space but i need you here. no, come here. i need space. [ cheers and applause ] >> well done. >> yeah. >> i particularly enjoyed the dating game music. it was nice. >> dating is also offensive. >> it is, it is. >> yes. >> dates -- why do you have to put numbers on things? all right.
that was beautiful. coming up, a story so disgusting i might have to see a doctor to have it lanced. dreadlocks, are they something white unemployed fans of fish embrace or tools of racist bigots. why can't they be both. yet another campus drama. next. (singing alougetting to know you. getting to know all about you... getting to like you. getting to hope you like me... test. credit lock lets you lock and unlock your transunion credit report with the swipe of a finger. getting to know you. getting to know all about you... get one-touch credit lock, plus your score and report at transunion.com. get in the know.
"i'm tired." or, "i'm hungry." what if your body said something else might be wrong? gynecologic cancers - cervical, ovarian and uterine cancers - have symptoms. so pay attention. if your body says something may be wrong.... please listen if it goes on for two weeks, see a doctor, it may be nothing but find out. learn the symptoms. get the inside knowledge about gynecologic cancers. giancarlo stanton: it's not just one person, it's a group, it's a team. chris capuano: just that simple act is transforming someone else's life. margaret: it'll just make you feel so good about yourself. giancarlo stanton: it's one of the best feelings in the world.
white people in dreadlocks. two things that go together like sand and toothpaste. this week a video was posted to youtube that caused an outrage. the first time that's ever happened. taken at san francisco state university it shows a black woman appearing to harass a white male student because he has dreads. take a look. >> you're saying i can't wear this kind of hairstyle because of your culture. >> yes, this is my culture. you know what that means. >> you know egyptian culture. are you egyptian. >> no. are you egyptian. >> no. >> wait. tell me -- >> just go. you have no right to tell me -- >> huh? >> yeah, no. >> wait. >> i don't need your disrespect. >> why are you filming this?
>> for everyone's safety. >> the white student cory goldstein obviously jamaican filed a police report after the confrontation but says he's not looking to press charges. convenient. the university is investigating but some believe the video could have been a setup which brings us to this week's edition of -- ♪ is this real >> woman in the video does work in film. at least allegedly. abc 7 identified her as a cinematographer who directed a short film called "the thing wiese carry" about the struggles of growing up black and female in america. i was in that. other critics point out the student's reaction seems very rehearsed. so which is it? another incident of identity politics dividing our country or proof that we are a bunch of gullible sheep constantly looking for a fight. either way we can agree both sides in this con dmrikt suck harder than a dyson bagless vacuum. i don't care. all right.
miles, two questions. have you ever had dreadlocks? do you think this is real. >> i do think that was real because that's the normal struggle that goes on in campus every day but, you know, black women have to go against sexism and racism and someone is mocking out the rest referred to dyed and i have had dreads and i asked a ross that farrian elder if i could have permission, he said -- [ speaking a foreign language ] and so i cut off my dreads and i burned them as an homage to him. >> tyrus? >> i have a feeling -- i have a feeling you might strangle miles. >> you made that up. >> that he had babylon closing in on him. >> ross that farrian about getting a glass of water. that is bad acting as it gets. i wrestle on tv so i know a little something about acting and i see it all the time
backstage. oh, wow, that's bad acting. the kid goldsteen, goldblum. his hands are shaking because he's nervous trying to remember his lines. she has the script in her hand. and she -- she's reading it to him and she's smiling. and she's like my culture to coin a phrase my grandmother use the to say [ bleep ] you didn't even have dreads so how can you be upset. you have an afro and wearing european makeup. so -- >> he had makeup. >> being a little troll in the back should have said -- i'll be taking that makeup. you can't steal my culture. they were trying to get attention. they got it. >> that is true. >> america we live in. bravo. move on to the next made up -- >> exactly. i have to say jessica i'm playing a role in this because i've talked about this like three type this is week. >> i know. i've seen you. you're so giddy about it every time. i get it. when there's so much ridiculousness going on in real life this totally complicates it like when you have the
chalkening or or what we'll get to and all the safe spaces and we need to think back. we used to have poop swastika. >> that was my first band. we did a lot of coffers of slayer. badly. what are you doing, jo? >> it smelled. yeah, i don't -- i think it was not a hoax but performance art to start a dialogue which it has. when people are complaining and we're seeing a lot more of this on college campuses about cultural appropriation. when you're speaking in terms of fashion, art, performance, music, all of that is appropriation because we're all taking from each other to create new forms of art so -- >> my polka rap band. >> yes. >> yes. i don't remember what it was called. i think it was called the penn
dutch fall lust experience. i'm not sure. i buried myself in that one. account kat, your hair isn't real. is this video. >> i don't know. it's either real or she's that upset about the hair and i don't want to be alive anymore or it's fake which means people are thinking that hair is so important that we need to make hoax assault films and i don't want to be alive anymore then either. so i don't know. jesus, take the wheel. >> all right. when we come back a story so explosive we've evacuated the building as well as my pants. but first, should we be giving criminals not to commit more crimes? no. i guess i spoiled that story. sorry. force of habit. [ applause ] if you'd like to be part of our studio audience e-mail us at --
gregtix @foxnews.com. moderate to severe crohn's disease is tough, but i've managed. except that managing my symptoms was all i was doing. and when i finally told my doctor, he said humira is for adults like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease. and that in clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. and many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection.
see, that was helena bonham carter in a handbasket because things are going to helena handbasket. they're not all winners. city as cross the country are moving to copy a program in richmond, california, where criminals are paid not to kill. one thug released from prison earns as much as a grand a month not to commit another gun crime. city leaders cutting it with cutting the city's homicide rate. now officials in miami, toledo which in ohio and d.c. are studying way to duplicate this asinine way to spend tax dollars. then women only train cars after those sexual attacks in the city of cologne. yes, rather than boot the migrants out just segregate.
it's part of a rich fabric of their cultural heritage. i guess it doesn't matter because it's all going to -- ♪ helena handbasket ooh. all right. you like -- jessica, you like this idea of paying -- >> totalfully. >> paying criminals not to kill you. that's extortion. that's what the mafia does. >> it's a lot cheaper than them going back to jail or losing other lives. richmond, 84 of 88 people who were on the -- committing further murders did not. >> pay me to wear pants. >> i don't think that's the way it work. >> but i'm expected to wear pants but like you're expected to abide by the law. >> greg, you would get fired if you had no pants on right now so you are getting paid to wear pants. >> that's true. that's actually -- miles has a
good point. >> you know how much welfare is. >> welfare is like bucks a month. you can't live on that. you need more money to not commit crimes. plus, the richer are getting rich off prisons for how long now. they should have to pay back to some of these prisoners that are making them rich. >> isn't life a prison? >> right now, yeah. >> it feels like it. >> thank you, thank you. i'm actually for this if they expand it like pay my girlfriend not to cheat on my. pay my brother not to borrow money and not pay it back. if you include those type of things and pay everybody not to do things i'm with it but killing somebody they'll do it regardless. >> i don't understand incentivizing someone not to commit crimes. you should be using that money and investing it in inner city communities, youth development programs, like we need to make sure that we're setting young people up for success so that they don't fall into sort of the same routine as their friends
and their family men. >> these are people at least how i understand the program that are already awful. >> so give them money. >> so i ago a fool and start hitting everybody -- give me $10 and i'll sock somebody up. >> there's 500 people in the audience. 10 bucks that's 5 grand. >> no one gets hit. >> no one -- >> that 's the mob that would show up at a store and go, hey, you want some protection, we can protect you but it would be a shame if you don't get our protection because then i'm going to shoot you. > an awful program. it's awful. a thousand dollars a month is not a living wage. okay? they're only getting a thousand dollars a month. no mention of health insurance, nothing for child care. ult to you know a long hard day of not killing people and taking care of the kids, you know, what about -- it's really inhumane they're paying them only a thousand dollars a month for not
♪ i got the discounts dothat you need ♪l ♪ ♪ safe driver ♪ accident-free ♪ everybody put your flaps in the air for me ♪ ♪ go paperless, don't stress, girl ♪ ♪ i got the discounts that you need ♪ ♪ safe driver ♪ accident-free ♪ everybody put your flaps in the air for me ♪ i can't lip-synch in these conditions. ♪ savings ♪ oh, yeah
record this. voila. remotes you are back. the x1 voice remote is here. x1 customers get your voice remote by visiting xfinty.com/voiceremote. beautiful. they hope to save lives. it was part of a campaign called spring breaking badly. aimed at preventing americans from becoming victims while traveling abroad. but it only ended with a state department apologizing, why? after tweeting this travel warning, quote, not a 10 in the u.s., then not a 10 overseas. beware of being lured into buying expensive drinks or worse, being robbed. now, as an 11 this, tweet doesn't apply to me. but i can see how it could be offensive to some. all right, tyrus, is this offensive because it's wrong or it's true? >> it's honest. and for those of us who seen one
of your buddies who is a 6 1/2 on a good day and all of a sudden this 10 woman is talking -- 2 even in some cases. buying him drinks, it's got kidnapping written all over him. i think you can take the story we just talked about and this story and put it together. >> yes. >> are you a aor 6 looking for fun, come to germany, hop on a train where you'll be molested by exotic men. >> men know what's happened. i might get, you know, kidnapped and i'm fine with that it's a vacation. >> no, it's not. >> i'm on vacation. >> justifying my action. >> no, it's not. >> i'm not going anywhere. >> i have examples of this, jessica. people that have been at bars like they're divorced or maybe 50 and they can't judge what they are. they don't know what the number is. >> we were just talking about this. i don't know. i think there's a range. i think you can't know your precise number. i think you're within 2 or 3. some people like brunettes. some like blonds. >> so a 6 -- a blond 6 could be
a 10 for -- i'm talking any gender, by the way. save your letters. >> no gender actually. >> nobody writes anymore. >> yeah, yeah. >> they. >> it's just they. miles, do you think these -- the idea of a rating system should be banned like band-aids? >> i know when i go out, i as a socialist, i actually prefer 4s because i feel like 8s are already getting enough attention and i would rather use some of my sexual prowess on an overweight hideous woman. >> you are terrible. you are -- so, okay, so i'm trying to pull the positivity out of this which is that -- >> it's about redistribution. >> less fortunate. >> redistribute. i'm like a 7.8 so i should take that extra beauty and spend it on a 4. >> where are you a 7.8? >> oh, come on. go to hot or not.com. >> kat, kat, say something that doesn't get me into trouble. >> i'm beautiful. and i also have barbie but it's
mostly my exuberant personality that people are into so i always know people are paying attention to me. they mean everything they say and they're not just trying to get something from me >> that's really stupid of you to think that. by the way this, rating system, okay, as you get older as a male, you can't let go of what number you were. if -- between the ages of betwes of 18 and 25, you better be an 8, because it is all biological, and it is fay chur making you good looking. >> but are there is a money factor and a power factor as you are older. >> and the woman thing. yes, a 10 has to do with how much money you make. >> oh, okay, yeah. >> and there is a new study out that say that women who prefer men who have money, and men prefer. -- >> well, you can just see a ugly 2 sitting with a hot looking chick without money.
a bunch of money-ists [ laughter ] >> but he put you in your place. and there is nothing -- >> you did it. >> the place could be the white house. >> my place is the bar. >> true. you have lowered it. don't go anywhere. and we will go into the audience to ask them question, and the to my knowledge, it has never been done in the history of late night, and you won't see this groundbreaking report it's your home. it's everything you've always wanted. and you work hard to keep it that way. ♪ sometimes, maybe too hard. get claimrateguard® from allstate. it helps keep your homeowners' rate from going up just because of a claim. call an allstate agent first. 888-429-5722. accident forgiveness from allstate will keep his rates from going up.
but not his blood pressure. michael james! middle name. not good. get accident forgiveness from allstate and keep your rates from going up just because of an accident. and it starts the day you sign up. so whether it's your car or home, let allstate help protect your rates. talk to a local allstate agent and discover how much more their personal service can do for you. call 888-429-5722 now.
family road trip! fun! check engine. not fun! but, you've got hum. that's like driving with this guy. all you do is press this, and in plain englis"coolant" , you'll know what's wrong. if you do need a mechanic, just press this. "thank you for calling hum." and if you really need help, help will find you, automatically, 24/7, even way out here. because you put this, in here. hum by verizon. the technology designed to make your car smarter, safer and more connected. put some smarts in your car.
chris capuano: you might feel like there's too many problems in the world or that, you know, you, as a 15-year-old, 16-year-old, can't really make a difference. giancarlo stanton: it's not always about you. it's not just one person, it's a group, it's a team. chris capuano: just that simple act is transforming someone else's life. giancarlo stanton: it's one of the best feelings in the world. margaret: it'll just make you feel so good about yourself. mauricio: i'd do anything to convince you just to be a part of this. great music. it is time for "parting gifts" and this is are where the audience will gain eye fem -- i eye the tem items from my offic.
and what is your name? >> noel can -- >> well, now you can look her up. what is your name? >> noel. >> okay. you can still look her up. and what is the name of everybody's favorite sitcom starring a favorite presidential candidate? >> "that's my trump." >> congratulations, you win. stop clapping, please. will is a theme to the prizes. a and they are all coming from the show involving a famous person who had used it. and give it what? oh, okay. this is the chalk that kat and joe used in the segment on the street. >> thank you. maybe if they are nice, which they are not, they will sign it. all right. you can have it. question two. >> and now, leave mel alone. >> what is your name? >> jason. >> nice to meet you.
not really, but anyway. whom did the creepy robot in this show resemable, a, greg's summertime counsel or scarlett johansson or tom cruz? >> scarlet joe ht johansson. these are so easy, much like jason. what are we going to give him? >> oh, this is so cute. do you know what this is from? >> no, i don't. >> wait, until you put it on, because i found this in the port authority restroom, and it was not empty. that is what bill hemmer wore in one of the early episodes when he dropped me off for work, and you just put on something that hemmer also put on his beautiful head. >> hemmer? >> yes, h shg, hemorrhoids. hire him. >> and your name? >> blaze. >> he must be an adult film star. all right. i will shut-up. all right. at what place of higher
education did the dreadlock controversy take place, trump university, very clever, and sf state, san francisco state or uc berkeley. >> san francisco state. >> very good. very good. you might -- [ applause ] -- you might have won the best prize of all. this is the game candyland. here you go. and this is the game that i played with rob o'neal on the first episode, and rob o'neal, as you know, is the person who killed bin laden and that is the actual game that he used to show me how he killed bin laden, and that is -- i am telling you, so when you are old and you have kids and that is there and people say, why the hell do you is a candyland game, and are you a weird pervert, you say, look, freak, the guy ta the killed bin laden played with that. pretty good, huh? >> yes. >> articulate.
all right. we have to go. i want to thank jessica, miles, joanne, kath welcome to "red eye." hello, everyone. i'm tom shillue. let's check in with it tv's andy levy to see what exciting stores we will be discussing. a andy? >> thanks, tom. ted cruz says he might run over done fall trump with his car. i guess it is worth a shot, but the establishment has already tried throwing him under the bus. how does chris christie eat m&m's? i assume it involves a shovel. that's right. i am getting tonight's joke over with early. scientists say feeding bread to ducks is bad because it is like junk food. ducks say shut up and mind your own business, scientists. tom? >> thank you, andy. let's welcome o