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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  April 23, 2016 7:00pm-8:01pm PDT

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and instagram. and buy my book, greg gutfeld is next, see you next week. hi, i'm greg gutfeld, or as i'm known in lock-up, captain swivel hips. all right, is the donald we all know and love about to die, or be replaced and land on his finger? the only king i need, the king of beards. and the people of new york city, being harassed to find out. let's get started, america, there is a murder she wrote starting in an hour. [ cheers and applause ]
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let's welcome tonight's guests. his mustache once climbed everest while carrying an injured mule. and look at that mustache. she is so cute she sneezes lady bugs and burps butterflies. fox affiliate at l.a. and if fear were sand, he would be the gobi desert. looks like he is dressed to sell you a mazda. [ cheers and applause ] >> if great lyrics were garbage, he would be the town dump. it's country music legend, larry gatlin, and national review
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reporter. catherine timpf. could he break the ice by being nice? after winning the new york primary, donald trump could be the only candidate to get to 1237 without a contested convention. asked if he would start acting nice, he said yeah, but not now. >> if i become the u.s. president, you will say can he have more energy? >> no idea what that means, now we keep hearing the word evolve as if donald were stuck between homoerectus and satisfier. they're being honest about being did he s dishonest, this is a first. in a way, trump is like the groom before the wedding, telling the bride, fyi, in six months i'll
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put on 40 pounds, lose my hair and hit on your sister. who are you supporting if he says what you're supporting is not actually real? is trump a caterpillar waiting to turn into a butterfly? is he hyde trying to find jekyl, is he bruce, turning into kaitlyn? i think it's going to look like this. oh, that is not fun. but if i can get serious for a moment, if indeed we are seeing the birth of a new donald what becomes of the old one? yes, it may be time to mourn the
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passing of bad donald, bad donald was a feisty character who will be remembered for calling people names, making fun of a p.o.w., mocking a man's wife, but let's remember the times he tweeted strangers at midnight, what was he on? and talking about his private parts at a debate? god, he was awesome. oh, you made us laugh and cry bad donald. so tonight we say good-bye, we'll miss you old buddy. in lieu of flowers, the family asks that you vote for donald and for god's sake, give him the nomination. >> laura, you are a fan of bad boys. it's shown in a string of destructive relationships. will the gentler donald win you over? >> no, no, we want the bad boy
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donald. somebody compared him to, if he becomes president and asks him to change, it's like asking tiger woods to change his swing. it's more like asking tiger woods to knock it off with the perkins waitress. but to advertise he would become a dreaded bore, if he becomes president, i don't know if that is the route he wants to take either. >> you know, this could be the first time in campaign history, that a campaign admits that we were lying before they win. >> i wrote a song called i know you're lying because your lips are moving. you know, donald is an old friend of mine as much as he has friends. he doesn't really have friends, he takes hostages. but the new donald will at least -- he is not going to flog us and water board us
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anymore, we're just going to get bread and water and maybe a little something from the trump tower. he made me a deal in the past, marla maples -- >> well, she is kind of a homely old girl, good personality, love to dance. like i say, he made me a great deal on that apartment, 63-ab right down from his apartment. if you can call -- >> did he keep the friends -- >> we played golf a lot. so it begs the question, maybe he should get hillary's person who changed her from the devil incarnate to mother teresa. maybe get the same one maybe it will work. america is used to
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that kind of thing from politicians. >> ambassador, i like that thing, because he made the other foreign powers around the world nervous. at the same time he made me nervous as well. do you think this move is for real? >> well, i think it's for real. trump has left 14 republican presidential candidates off in the ditch somewhere. there are only two left, i think trump and cruz only have the chance of getting the nomination. that is pretty good if you look at the record, but it's also the case he has been so unconventional, but it's hard to imagine in past elections that he can actually get elected and since that is presumably what this is all about he turned to the next question, i think this is perfectly logical. and frankly whether it's the new donald or the old donald if he gets the nomination, what i want to see
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is the other aspect unleashed on hillary sooner rather than later. >> and what scares you, a kinder donald or the same donald? >> it scares me that somebody is going to become president that is that bad a liar. you don't help people when you lie. you can't just say sorry i called your wife ugly a whole bunch of times. it's like oh, we're going to let you win that election that you won. >> could this be a double lie? he says he is changing. his change is more of the same. so he is actually winking to the supporters saying look, i'm going to tell everybody i'm not crazy and they're going to buy it and then i'm going to go back to being crazy. >> well, each day is a new trump. every new trump is a
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blank page of your life story waiting to be written. no, every trump is a new trump, every time he comes out to say something it's whatever he feels in the moment. so i don't think it really depends on whether or not he changes or not, if he changes. there is really so many people looking into it, i don't know if there is really much more to look at. i don't know what is inside his head, i have plenty of stuff in my own head. see, life is about feeling things. stop tampering them down with medication and booze, greg. >> do you have any other options? so he is known for telling it like it is. except now he is going to tell you that -- when he was telling it like it was, it really wasn't. so you have his followers who are hard line conservatives now saying well, i'm okay with this. is it
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hypocritical of the supporters to continue supporting him if the very things they like about him, his honesty, is not for real? does that make any sense? >> no. >> thank you for pointing that out, larry. >> his honesty is not for real. >> thank you for telling me like it is. >> i think i need to go to the bathroom. we know that most politicians -- in our society, we have completely done away with you know -- dr. bloom said in his book, the closing of the american mind, he said one thing a professor can be assured of when he asks if there is such thing as right or wrong, 90% of them say it's all relative. so if you have no tether, he just goes to the book of trump and whatever sounds good today to placate the most number of people and to get elected he will do that. and on a serious
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note, i just think that is bovine droppings. i can't say bull -- >> yeah, you wanted to say bull. coming up, new kite surfing with bill hemmer, i think i'll stop here. 73% of americans try...
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so white people, you remember harriet tubman from history class? she was famous for the underground railroad and freeing slaves. now she will be on the $20 bill. i know, are they nuts? how dare they smear this woman by putting her on a symbol of greed? seriously, how can the left spend decades condemning capitalism and then being okay with placing this hero on their evil currency? we shouldn't have her on the bill, we should have satan, now, there are those claiming the
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change is pissing people off -- >> i would love to have her and leave andrew jackson and see if we come up with another denomination. maybe we do the $2 bill, i think it's pure political correctness. >> oh, yaay. another bill, but would he have expressed an opinion if he was not asked? if you asked me about it, i would say i don't care who you put on the buck because my hero is the buck. money is the greatest invention ever and the greatest equalism, it's a symbol of trust, if you borrow five bucks from me, you can pay me back with any five. you can't do that with children as much as i tried. by being interchangeable, money is based on freedom, currency also allows for something called the future. do you sock a few bucks away for
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kid's education or do you blow it away on goat porn? it's your choice, your future. imagine a money-hating random trying to buy milk. no trade can ever be fair without the almighty dollar, remember the canvas itself, and give it a little hug. but don't kiss it because remember there is feces and drugs all over it. laura, it's true, the money is as dirty as your mouth, right? >> she agrees. >> i am excited about harriet tubman, this is going to help me save money. >> why? >> if you pull out a 20 and that face is looking back at you, she is like girl, you don't need another pair of uggs, it's like, i fought slavey, you're going to
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think twice. >> she is going to remind you of your white privilege. >> look at you, buying another round of drinks, i hope you're having fun. having a shake my head look. >> glad somebody defined that for me, joe, i see a lot of 20s at the dealership. >> good deal on a mazda 3. >> i don't even know if they make those anymore. much like that tie. what are your thoughts on this? >> i don't care who they put on the 20 i just found it surprising what the treasury department said they couldn't do this until 2020. it takes too long to change the plates. you would think the government works faster. >> they're making a loft changes, ambassador, i submitted what i wanted to see on the 20. do i have it on here? >> there you go. >> oh, love it. yeah.
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>> you -- you have you know, people say you have a face for television. you have a fe for money. >> where are the bags then -- that is what i really want. >> trump says this is pc monday amok, but isn't this kind of always the response? is this really kind of a big deal. >> i think whenever civilization messes with its money, it's a sign it's in decay, people on the currency should have accomplished major ings. no knock against harriet tubman, saying she didn't accomplish as much as andrew jackson, that is the reality. if there are other ways to honor her then we should do it. when you start playing with the money then it becomes monopoly money. >> fan of the bit coin, yeah, ambassador bit coin, all right,
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larry. you pulled a lot of 20s over when you were at the night club, what do you make of this change? good, bad, indifferent? >> i'm kind of like the ambassador. in my ongoing effort to speak truth to power and call out hillary, george soros and george clooney have started a fund. they want to put hillary's likeness on mount rushmore, but there was not enough room for two more faces. >> by the way, cat, i don't know what your thoughts are on this i wanted to throw out the idea while we're talking about pennies, it's essentially currency for dandruff. >> i think i speak for all ladies when i say andrew jackson is a sexy, sexy man. am i the only one that ever felt attracted to a $20 bill? because of andrew jackson, not
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because of the money, okay, mine, i learned things about myself are not normal every day and this is just a new one. i don't care who is on the money and people are doing this to be respectful of harriet tubman, and people are seeing this and not looking at something that is done out of respect for people and saying oh, how can i get on the respect party? nobody is going to respect anybody, they're just going to make harriet tubman jokes now. and that is a damn shame. >> thank you for that outlook. >> greg, you're my buddy and i love you and i think you're brilliant -- >> but. >> there is no but to that. but thinking that money is the greatest invention, have you heard about girls? >> girls are not inventions, maybe in your basement. i don't know what batteries you use.
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>> you no longer trade women. >> they're not -- >> women are not fungible -- >> somebody google fungible for me. >> i'm going to google security. >> so where do bees go when it rains? our ten-part series starts tonight. also should the president toughen up when it comes to dealing with saudi arabia? i guess so.
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president obama met this week with the house of saad when he met with the monarch. now, for you leftists, that is not just a monarch, it's royalty. over there, people can die for being gay. if you think it's normal in 2016 to meet with kings, replace that word with "pirates." it's weird. second, the ally is blackmailing us threatening to dump u.s. assets if we make them liable for 9/11. if the sauds didn't have this, they would be on mars. our country was based on freedom, not repression, the
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more we frack and drill, that is a good place to start when you're kneeling with the king standing rather than kneeling. foreign policy expert on the panel, joe? is this just another thing to be afraid of? are you terrified of saudi arabia? i am, and i'll tell you why. it must be weird for president obama having to meet with the king and it's like, you're the president, you're only the president, you have to stop being the most powerful person in the world? i tell you what, if saudi arabia wants to dump assets, if we say they were partly responsible for 9/11? that is good, they're doing less terrible things to america now. >> i think i follow that. ambassador. i believe what he said -- was insane. but i followed it. what do you make of this meeting? by the way, a coincidence that we just got a whole bunch of
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gitmoites to saudi arabia? >> i think the real issue here, you may not like the king or the saudis, how do you feel about the ayatollah? so actually what he was going to saudi arabia for was to tell the gulf arabs they should get along with people who would just as soon massacre them. so it was a tough message for the president to brings and the feeling was probably mutual. >> what i don't get is okay, we like you because you're not iran. why do we have to pick sides? you know what i mean? can't we all just get along? to quote the late great rodney king. >> that is why we probably should not have gotten involved in this mess in the first place. what did the white house say that cleared the air? it cleared the air, yeah, i think they're totally right. i think everything is better now. turns out he just had to talk to saudi arabia, the king, and now it's like we're all buddies,
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we're all good. >> they say why use e-mail when you can walk right on over there and say hello? >> yeah, he should just do this with isis and talk and go over there and say hi, how are you doing? that is just how things work, i guess. >> oh, so true. layer lar, you probably performed over there. >> >> yes, i have been to all the air force bases around the region. it's in qatar. this is not geography. >> trying to stay on target for our troops, larry. >> my take on this, i know that you being the bible scholar that you have, have studied the scripture. actually, the last thing that moses said when he came down to bring the ten commandments, which are the commandments, not suggestions. before he dumped that on the children of israel the last
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thing he did was look towards heaven and say god i want to make sure you have this straight. you want to give the arabs all the oil and want us to circum painkiller. it is about the oil. i'm from west texas, from odessa, texas, the center of the largest oil field on this planet. my daddy was a driller for 30 years. don't tell me about the oil business, that is like telling noah about high water and elephant poop, we have enough oil here. but in order to keep the lefties happy -- it's also about security. we treat our israeli friends, and they have the greatest, they are have airplane-flying son of a guns. we treat that part of security like dirt. and then go -- am i right mr. ambassador? get me out of this? >> this is exactly the right thing. i was going to say that.
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>> in the u.n., they have airplane-flying -- >> lauren, i came to you last because i want to know how we can make peace in the middle east and i figured you could do it in 30 seconds or a minute. take your time. >> this has been so enlightening for me on this passover, because i had no idea that is what moses was doing. >> that is right. >> actually he turned left and should have turned right. >> 40 years give or take. i don't know that i can make this any better. i just am glad that he didn't bring michelle, because if you make out there you go to jail. >> you can't wear shorts. >> and apparently, you don't even wear shorts here or pants. >> it is mostly like flouting my anti-saudi opinion right now, that is why i guessed like this. against the kingdom. >> after this segment, i can
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safely say we have no answers. by the way, we'll always have no answers about the middle east, they're the arthritis of earth. you wake up every morning and go -- and none of the stuff you buy over-the-counter is working but you still rub that stuff in and then maybe you put a heat thing on there. that is what we're always doing with the middle east putting heat stuff on there and it's not working, just getting worse. >> and they say we're now going to go to our middle east expert. i say what test did you pass that now says put middle east expert except for our -- >> i wanted to talk about the heavy water thing. why are we borrowing heavy water with iran -- >> the ayatollah, that is the president's objectives. >> what is heavy water, why can't you just say plus size water? >> that is why when it's weighing heavily -- >> i have those months too,
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larry. up next, i gave arne-style buzz cuts to all audience members. [ cheers and applause ] >> but first, special correspondent miles goes out to talk about a specific topic, films it and puts the best parts in a single video that we can watch. >> if you will be in the new york area and would like to be part of our studio audience, e-mail us at gregt the 12-hour strength of aleve...
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so friday was earth day or as i call it, friday. earth day has been around since 1970, but this year was special because about 175 countries signed the
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paris climate change agreement at headquarters in new york. snarled traffic. meanwhile, those people around the world were encouraged to plant trees, recycle, or if you're charlie sheen, pay with cash. i have a better idea, our frequent guest, miles mckinnis, was here to help, he is the brother of gavin mckinnis. >> hey, everybody, it's earth day, we're going to talk about what you can do to make the planet better. >> what should we do for earth day? >> is this the day we shut off the lights for an hour? >> yeah, it's a lot like that. i
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think it's more intensive, you have to eat dirt, i guess. >> it's a very cerebral celebration. >> i guess you're right. >> i met somebody named earth once, i didn't know their occupation. >> being the son of being annoying people. >> there you go. >> what are we doing wrong with the earth? >> we're doing a lot of things wrong with the earth. >> like what? >> well, we're emitting a lot of co2 emissions, and raising the global pressure, and with cars and cal farts. >> since most over-population comes from immigration, how about we build a wall? >> are you an idiot? what should we do? what should i do? >> volunteer? >> for what? >> i don't know, planting a
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tree. >> should plant a tree for earth day? >> what is going on with your ears there? >> they're stressed out. got some gauges in there. >> i don't understand when you're like 40 and a dad you want to remove them, what do you do with your ears then? >> it's not going to be a problem, i have plenty of nieces and nephews that hang from them. >> it's a day, a day we recycle plastic to save the world. just put your combs and your cups in a relentlessly stupid bin. and then the guys pick it up and they put it in a truck and it goes into a landfall ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ which isn't really an issue because there are tons of landfalls, and it's a pretty redundant gesture ♪ ♪ >> what is the root of krishna?
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can i just say that and we're done? >> yes. >> it's not different than krishna, so he will be manifesting that within yourself and focus on god? >> it will automatically come -- >> when you say this kind of stuff to your dad, does he nod or go -- >> the second one. >> the second one? >> thanks. >> so there you have it, folks, earth day is a day for thinking. that is all you do. i mean, you might plant a tree or something or tell people to think for social media. i mean, i don't understand. it's just a stupid think to think -- [ cheers and applause ] >> i want to go to you, joe, because you're pretty much terrified of everything. are we wrong not to be scared of climate change? should we be petrified?
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>> i don't think we should be scared, usually in the past, things that make people go extinct, it was things like ice age. >> i feel better. >> yeah, lauren, thoughts? >> yeah, well, i do take part in earth day. >> what do you do? >> you know there is a drought in california, so if it is yellow let it mellow, it becomes quite a popular motto around town. also i drink kambucha. that is doing your part. >> i put it in the cooler in my range rover. instead of like coke or whatever. >> good for you. >> what do you make of the climate pack? >> well, i once had an ambassador from a small island country in the pacific to come visit me to talk about the effects of climate change. she was worried, basically, wouldn't be an ambassador for long and wouldn't be a country, i didn't have really anything to say to him. i told him climate changed
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historically and england used to be connected to the continent of europe before, and now it's not. it was not my most successful -- >> i am worried that climate change may destroy my country. well, you know, you might be on to something. larry, i'm afraid to go to you but i will. >> well, it's an ever-changing planet as we know it. everybody on the left thinks that those of us on the right really want to do terrible crappy things to the earth. i am glad there are not like dinosaurs, like you said, things change. it would be horrible to walk out on fifth avenue and see a dinosaur. >> cat, what did you do on earth day? >> i had the flu, so it seemed like the same day, i hope it wasn't one of the days i threw the regular bottle of water in
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the trash. i hope i don't do that every day. that will be really bad and selfish for the grandchildren i will never have. >> all right, up next, a story so fascinating i don't know what it is. first, robots, will they be our future spouses or simply clean or houses? who cares? they're robots. ♪
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can a bot make you hot? according to a new study, it creates a response in humans. researchers at stanford, can people touching various parts of a friendly two-foot robot, when they touched the hand or ear they didn't feel anything, but when they touched the robot in the bathing suit area, humans showed a measurable increase in
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arousal, roll it, carl. >> touch my body, and sometimes i will ask you just to point to my body. when i ask you to touch me, please touch me with your could this just be the start of something really interesting? >> the bathing suit, i'm sorry. >> robots don't even wear bathing suits. >> i mean, what do we consider a robot? because we've had these
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automations for a lot of things now that machines do for us -- >> you're telling me you slept with your rumba? >> it is a lot more satisfying that many of the men i have dated. it goes under your couch, people. you get the dog hair. >> and that's not even a euphemism. >> i don't know that i would be aroused because i don't like short guys. >> does that count as a row mott? >> right into my hand. >> all right, does this scare you, joe, or arouse you? >> anything about robots scares me, greg. let me tell you a quick story here. i grew up speaking english, right? i'm going somewhere with this.
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people say the scariest person in "star wars" was cp-3-po. people say don't worry about robots taking over everything. at first they'll be farm laborers and truck drivers. and i'm like, that's your solution, poor people won't work? you are going to vote for bernie sanders. >> joe, we are being lulled into a false sense of security. once artificial intelligence reaches singularity, we're not going to be ready for it and they're going to turn us into barnyard animals, ambassador. >> if you say so. >> i was delighted to hear of this reach project. it means we can cut universities dramatically. if they don't have anything serious to research other than robots' buttocks, we got plenty
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of spare cash. >> cat, this could be your spouse. it's not human. it's cold like you. >> you just got to get to know me. no, this study is flawed. it says people were aroused but it wasn't like people. it was people that agreed to spend their time molesting robots. [ applause ] thank you. these are not normal people. normal people have other plans. >> it raises an interesting f l philosophical question, is that a crime? if a robot reaches consciousness, then lit be crime to do such things. last word, larry, and i'm scared. >> be very scared. let me just answer it before you answer the question. here's the deal. i'm married to a 70-year-old sexy, sensuous, wonderful woman
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for 47 years. all of my friends are really envious of me. you can't believe how many told me larry, she's so wonderful, she's beautiful and she treats you beautifully. and one time a friend said i got married and i found out what food that makes women frigid. i said what? he said wedding cake. so there's some people who think they're married and touching robots already. not me. [ applause ] >> translation, larry must have done something really bad this week to have to do that on television. [ laughter ] the only time man ever does one of those speeches on tv. oh, what did you do? >> how did i do, sweetie? i love you, baby. bring the money home. >> she's not even watching. she's with the lawyers. up next, parting gifts.
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[ applause ] ♪ we don't have a lot of time, so i'm only going to give away one gift. what's your name? >> jason. >> jason, the prize is the connect four that i played with chess master gary kasperoff. so this is pretty amazing. in what state were humans asked to touch robot's private areas? >> california. >> you are right. i want you to cherish this game forever. >> thank you. >> play it naked. [ applause ] >> quick program note. so we're live. we're going to be live a week
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from tonight after the white house correspondent's dinner. thanks to all my guests. donald trump mathematically winning the senator for joining me now, live on the phone from trump tower is the republican front-runner ahead of tuesday's battle for the east donald trump. thank you very much for joining us, mr. trump. trump. >> hi, jesse. >> i want to talk to you about the new presidential donald trump. a lot of people love the old donald trump, brash show biz guy


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