Skip to main content

tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  April 30, 2016 7:00pm-8:01pm PDT

7:00 pm
[ cheers and applause ] caution, this is my finger! welcome to a special live edition of the greg gutfeld show. who else would i be? the show is named after me. we're awaiting president obama's remarks at the white house correspondent dinner, which is why we're live and i'm still sober. he is so tough he can gut a fish with his comments, and fox
7:01 pm
business correspondent degan dow. if jokes were jam he would be toast. comedian ben kissel, and joanne nosuchinsky of the she is as sleek as a life boat full of bones. national review reporter catheri catherine timpf. let's get started, america, there is a bar stool waiting for me to sit on its face. i was invited to this year's dinner but i said no because i hate people. but i think twice, here is a picture from 2012. that is me, during the national anthem staring at kim kardashian's butt. you can see -- you can see how transfixed i am by it. look at that laser beam focus.
7:02 pm
now this may seem unpatriotic at that moment to be lost in her space, but i dare any of you male or female not to be spellbound by the world's largest glute, it's the headquarters for hind quarters, her butt is so big she has smaller butts orbiting around it. a spiritual ball of hot plasma that supports all life or at least her miserable family. now, there were other asses in the room, but to kim's credit, hers did not talk. now, if you're not familiar with this dinner it's a self-indulgent affair where the president invites people to sit with him. the president sits, and then he invites those to sit with him like clooney, there you go, adorable. now, some of them crawl over themselves to get celebrities with selfies, or worse, the
7:03 pm
reality actors who eat their pets in the dark, but i love it. i hate/love it. it's the media version of the runs, unappealing in theory, but enjoyable if you just let yourself go. you know what we're talking about here. so we'll watch it the right way together in a studio 200 miles away. it's a thing you should take in afar, like mamma mia, this dinner could be painful, and believe he, i've seen some painful things. ♪ ♪ whatever happened to our love i wish i understood ♪ ♪ it used to be so nice ♪ ♪ it used to be so good ♪ ♪ >> underrated moment in film history, rob, you're a writer, producer, what is your take on
7:04 pm
this? >> you know, the dinner? it's supposed to be a collegial thing between the press and the president, first time, ray romano had a very funny 12 minutes. and lately it's been this exercise in kind of a weird, creepy on display this kind of love affair between the press and the white house. it's not supposed to be that. but lately, they call it nerd prom, but we know who the prom queen is and who is getting in the back seat, it's the press. >> very good metaphor, my friend. >> i know -- >> they're letting me -- now the problem -- >> i have never been invited because they do run the risk i guess, of me eating with my fingers or picking my teeth with my earrings. a lot of the people who go, i
7:05 pm
love the people i work with but they are really bitter cocktail of arrogance and insecurity. >> all right, there he is, we're going to the president. enjoy. >> i hate to say it, but you know it's true. good evening, everybody. it is an honor to be here at my last and perhaps the last white house correspondent dinner. you all look great, the end of the republic has never looked better. i do apologize, i know i was a little late tonight. i was running on cpt. which stands for jokes that white people should not make.
7:06 pm
anyway, here we are. my eighth and final appearance of this unique event. and i am excited. if this material works well, i am going to use it at goldman sachs next year. earn me some serious tubman. that is right. that's right.
7:07 pm
that's right. my brilliant and beautiful wife, michelle, is here tonight. she looks so happy to be here. that's called practice. like learning to do three-minute planks. and she makes it look easy now. but -- next year at this time someone else will be standing here in this very spot. and it's anyone's guess who she will be. but standing here i can't help but be reflective, a little sentimental. eight years ago i said it was
7:08 pm
time to change the tone of our politics. in hindsight, i clearly should have been more specific. eight years ago i was a young man. full of idealism and vigor. and look at me now. i am gray, grizzled, just counting down the days until my death panel. hillary once questioned whether i would be ready for a 3:00 a.m. phone call. now i'm awake anyway, because i got to go to the bathroom. i'm up.
7:09 pm
in fact, somebody recently said to me, mr. president, you are so yesterday. justin trudeau has completely replaced you. he is so handsome, he is the future. i said justin, just give it a rest. i resented that. but meanwhile, michelle has not aged a day. the only way you can date here in photos is by looking at me. take a look. here we are in 2008. here we are a few years later. and this one is from two weeks
7:10 pm
ago. so time passes. in just six short months i will be officially a lame duck. which means congress now will flat out reject my authority. and republican leaders won't take my phone calls. and this is going to take some getting used to. it's a curve ball. i don't know what to do with it. of course in fact, four months now, congressional republicans have been saying there are th g things i cannot do in my final year. unfortunately, this dinner was not one of them. but on everything else, it's
7:11 pm
another story. and you know who you are, republicans. in fact, i think we have republican senators tim scott. and cory gardner. they're in the house, which reminds me, security bar the doors. judge garland come on out. we're going to do this right here right now. like the red wedding. but it's not just congress. even some foreign leaders, they have been looking ahead. anticipating my departure. last week, prince george showed
7:12 pm
up to our meeting in his bath robe. that was a slap in the face. a clear breach of protocol. although while in england i did have lunch with her majesty, the queen. took in a performance of shakespeare, hit the links. just in case anybody wonders if i'm black enough i think that settles the debate. look, this is a tough transition. it's hard. key staff are now starting to leave the white house. even the reporters have left me. savannah guthrie, she has left the white house press corps to host "the today show," o'donnell
7:13 pm
leaving to host. jake tapper left to join cnn. but, the prospect of leaving the white house is a mixed bag. you might have heard that someone jumped the white house fence last week. but i have to give secret service credit. they found michelle, brought her back. she is safe back at home now. only nine more months, dear. settle down. and yet somehow despite all of
7:14 pm
this, despite the churn, in my final year my approval ratings keep going up. the last time i was this high, i was trying to decide on my major. and here is the thing, i haven't really done anything differently. so even my aides can't explain it, the rising poll numbers. what has changed? nobody can figure it out? puzzling, anyway. in this last year i do have more
7:15 pm
appreciation for those who have been with me on this amazing ride. like one of our finest public servants, joe biden. god bless him. love that guy. i love that guy, i really do, i want to thank him for his friendship and counsel, for always giving it to me straight. for not shooting anybody in the face. thank you, joe. also, i would be remiss, let's give it up for our host, larry
7:16 pm
wilmore, you're the host. i love him, and his parents are here, they're from evanston, which is a great town. i also would like to acknowledge some of the award-winning reporters that we have here tonight. rachel mcadams, mark ruffalo, thank you all for everything that you have done. i'm just joking. as you know, spotlight is a film, a movie about investigative journalists, with the resources and the autonomy to chase down the truth and hold the powerful accountable. that is fantasy film stuff, "star wars." look, that was maybe a cheap
7:17 pm
shot. i understand the news business is tough these days. it keeps changing all the time. every year at this dinner somebody makes a joke about buzz feed, for example, changing the media landscape. and every year "the washington post" laughs a little bit less hard. kind of a silence there. especially at "the washington post table." gop chairman reince priebus is here, as well. glad to see that you feel that you have earned a night off. congratulations on all of your success. the republican party, the nomination process, it's all going great. keep it up.
7:18 pm
kendall jenner is also here. and we had a chance to meet her back stage. she seems like a very nice young woman. i'm not exactly sure what she does. but i am told that my twitter mentions are about to go through the roof. helen mirren is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] i don't even have a joke here, i just think helen mirren is awesome. she is awesome. sitting at the same table, i see
7:19 pm
mike bloomberg. mike, a combative, controversial new york billionaire is leaving the gop primary, and it is not you. that has to sting a little bit. although it's not an entirely fair comparison. he is actually worth the amount of money he says he is.
7:20 pm
tonight, we have the face of the democratic party, mr. bernie sanders. bernie, you look like a million bucks, or to put it in terms you will understand you look like 37,000 donations of $27,000 each. a lot of folks have been surprised by the bernie situation, but not me, this week, a woman came up to me and said she was sick of politicians standing in front of her dreams. as if we would let malia go, bernie might have let her go. not us.
7:21 pm
i am hurt, though, bernie, that you have been distancing yourself a little from me. i mean, that is just not something that you do to your comrade. this has caught fire among young people, "feel the bern." it's a good slogan. hillary's slogan has not had the same effect. let's see this.
7:22 pm
that is how much i admire hillary's toughness, her smarts, her policy chops. her experience, you have to admit it, though. hillary trying to appeal to young voters is a little bit like your relative who just signed up for facebook. dear america, did you get my poke? is it appearing on your wall? i'm not sure i'm using this right. love, aunt hillary. it's not entirely persuasive. meanwhile, on the republican side things are a little more how shall we say this? a little more loose. just look at the confusion over the invitations to tonight's dinner. guess we're asked to check
7:23 pm
whether they wanted steak or fish, but instead a whole bunch of you wrote in paul ryan. that is not an option, people. steak or fish. you may not like steak or fish, but that's your choice. meanwhile, some candidates are not polling high enough to qualify for their own joke tonight. the rules were well established ahead of time. and then there is ted cruz. ted had a tough week. he went to indiana.
7:24 pm
hoosier country. stood on a basketball court. and called the hoop a basketball ring. what else is in his lexicon? baseball sticks? football hats? but sure, i'm the foreign one. well, let me conclude tonight on a more serious note, i want to thank the washington press corps, i want to thank carol for all that you do. you know, the free press is central to our democracy and --
7:25 pm
naw! i'm just kidding. you know i've got to talk about trump! come on! we were not just going to stop there. come on. although i am a little hurt that he is not here tonight. we had so much fun the last time. and it is surprising. you have a roomful of reporters, celebrities, cameras. and he says no. is this dinner too tacky for the donald? what could he possibly be doing instead? sit home eating a trump steak? tweeting out insults to angela
7:26 pm
merkel? what is he doing? the republican establishment is incredulous that he is their most likely nominee, they say donald lacks the experience to be president. but in fairness he has spent years with leaders from around the world. ms. sweden, ms. argentina. and there is one area where donald's experience could be valuable. and that is closing guantanamo. because trump knows a thing or two about running waterfront properties into the ground.
7:27 pm
all right, that is probably enough. i have more material. no, no. i don't want the spend too much time on the donald. following your lead, i want to show some restraint. because i think we can all agree that from the start he has gotten the appropriate amount of coverage befitting the seriousness of his candidacy. i hope y'all are proud of yourself. the guy wanted to give his hotel a boost, now we're praying that cleveland makes it through july. hmm, hmm.
7:28 pm
hmm. as for me, and michelle, we've decided to stay in d.c. for a couple of more years. thank you. this way our youngest daughter can finish up high school. michelle can stay closer to her eady making plans to see them every day. take a look. but our decision has actually presented a bit of a dilemma because traditionally presidents don't stick around after they're done. and it's something that i have been brooding about a little bit. take a look. >> the obamas are staying in d.c. for two years after the president leaves office in. >> he is about to go from commander-in-chief to couch commander. >> do you, chuck todd, what am i
7:29 pm
going to do in d.c. for two years? >> i can't go every day, can i? >> which do you like better, these? or these? >> joe, they're the same. >> capture different moods. >> joe, i need some focus here. >> maybe it is time. >> i'm sorry, what is that? >> i said, mr. president, you have to be practical. and look, you can drive again, you're going to leave a license, you love sports, why don't you volunteer to work for one of the teams around here? >> the washington wizards? i understand you're looking for coaching help, let's just say i coached my daughter's team a few times. hello? hello? ♪ ♪ ♪ >> three, four -- >> tliel. i'm going to be in d.c. for a while and i thought i would pick up driving again. >> what is the name? >> obabarack hussein obama.
7:30 pm
>> well, since you don't have a driver's license -- >> it's real. >> is it? >> huh, michelle left it at h e home. snap chat. obamacare is great, and it's really working, sign up now. >> breaking news, michelle obama in hot water after posting this video earlier today. >> obamacare is great and it's really working! >> no? >> no. >> do you get a lot of views -- >> honey, enough, why don't you just talk to somebody who has been through this. i have to go to cycle. >> she is right. i know who i need to talk to.
7:31 pm
hey, it's barack, listen, can we get together? now that is a great move. yeah -- >> so got any advice for me? >> you want my advice? first, stop sending me these linked in requests, secondly, you have all the time in the world to figure this out. you can just be you for a while, if you know how to do that. >> so i can be me? i can wear my mom jeans, i hate these tight jeans. yesterday, i had had a beer at 11:30 a.m., and you know, mcdonald's now serves breakfast all day long. >> you know, michelle is going to be at spin class, she will never know. >> way to go, and before long
7:32 pm
you can walk out of the oval office singing, and you have plenty of time to work on your tan. and you know what? i finally got the grand bargain on a sweet chevy tahoe. >> look here. look here, yeah. >> congratulations to mr. obama on his 347th round of golf of the year, and it's totally great. and gloria, not a problem for anybody. >> i can't think of a reason to care, wolf, and believe me, i've tried. [ cheers and applause ] >> there you go. >> i am still waiting for all of you to respond to my request on
7:33 pm
linked in. but i know you have jobs to do, which really brings us here tonight. i know there are times that we have had differences and that is inherent in our constitutional ro roles. it's true of every president and his press corps. but we've always shared the same goal. that to route our public discourse in the truth, helping to open doors in this democracy, helping to do whatever we can to make our country and our world more free and more just. and i've always appreciated the role that you have all played as equal partners in reaching these goals. our free press is why we once again recognize the real journalists who uncover the horrible scandal and brought some measure of justice for thousands of victims throughout the world. they are here with us tonight. sasha pfeffier, matt carol, and
7:34 pm
brett bradley, jr., please give them a round of applause. our free press is why once again we honor jason rezian, as carol noted. last time this year we spoke of jason's courage as he endured the isolation of the iranian prison. and this year, it's a living testament of the idea of a free press and the reminder of the rising danger and political intimidation and political threats faced by reporters overseas. and i can make this commitment that as long as i hold this office my administration will continue to fight for the release of american journalists held against their will. and we will not stop until we may see the same freedom that
7:35 pm
jason had. at home and abroad, journalists like all of you engage in the dogged pursuit of informing citizens and holding leaders accountable and making our government of the people possible. i realize it's an enormous challenge at the time when the economics of the business sometimes incentivize speed over death and when controversy and conflict are what most immediately attract readers and viewers, the good news is, there is so many of you that are pushing against those trends. and as a citizen of this great democracy i am grateful for that. for this is also a time around the world when some of the fundamental ideals of liberal democracies are under attack. and when notions of objectivity,
7:36 pm
and when free press is sometimes ignored, and in a climate it's not just enough to give people a megaphone. and that is why the responsibility of your power to give people the opportunity to dig and counter distortions and untruths is more important than ever. taking a stand for what is true does not require you to shed your objectivity, in fact, it is the essence of good journalism. it affirms the idea that the only way we can build consensus and move forward as a country, the only way we can help the world mend itself is by agreeing on a base line of facts when it comes to the challenges that confront us all. so this night is a testament to
7:37 pm
all of you who have devoted your lives to that idea. who push to shine a light on the truth every single day. so i want to close my final white house correspondents dinner by just saying thank you. i'm very proud of what you have done. it has been an honor and a privilege to work side by side with you to strengthen our democracy. and with that, i just have two more words to say. obama out. >> all right, wow. so anyway, that was interesting. carol lee is going to be
7:38 pm
introducing comedian larry wilmore in a few moments. it was as exciting as a slow morphine drip. he spoke as slow as malcolm in the middle. the whole time i was thinking, get on with it. it was a -- you know, his closing remarks i thought were borderline offensive. it is the essence of good journalism. he thanked the journalists because they didn't cover his illegal drone war. >> political commentary, now we're going to larry wilmore, aren't we? >> thank you, thank you, thank you for keeping that applause going all the way, too, i appreciate that.
7:39 pm
that is how they do it. nice to be here, though, at the white house correspondents dinner, where you know they will call it next year, donald trump presents to the jury's evening paper by mexico. very scared of that. but thank you so much. it's an absolute honor to be here tonight. i want to thank the president, the first lady, carol lee in the white house, the correspondent's association for hiring me and mitch mcconnell for not blocking my nomination. you have to give him credit, he could block lebron james. it's unbelievable. but to tell you a little bit about me. i am a black man who replaced a white man who pretended to be a tv news caster. yeah, that way, lester holt and i have a lot in common.
7:40 pm
and i have to admit it's not easy to follow the president, man, you've got some jokes, mr. president. the president is funny, stay in your lane, man. you don't see me going on preside presidenting all the time now, i don't go around passing health care, signing executive orders, pardoning turkeys, not closing guantanamo. oh, wait, maybe i did do that. but i have to say it's great. it looks like you're really enjoying your last year of the presidency. saw you hanging out with nba players like steph curry, golden state warriors. that was cool. it kind of makes sense, too, because both of you like raining down bombs on people from long dan distances. what? am i wrong? speaking of drones, how is wolf
7:41 pm
blitzer still on television? ask a follow-up question -- hey, wolf, i'm ready to project tonight's winner, anything that is not watching "the situation room"? no, all right, fine, i like wolf. but -- vice president joe biden is here, nice to see you, vice president. that is great. i heard joe is retiring moving back to delaware, that is good. he wouldn't have to answer any difficult questions like hey, don't i know you from somewhere so ? but i have to say about the first lady, it's so nice to have dinner with you. she is the epitome of grace, class and poise, isn't she? she really is. not to be confused with future first gentleman bill clinton, his three favorite strippers are named grace, class and poise.
7:42 pm
don't make that mistake. it's the late show, mr. president. i can do these jokes. and let me just say, mr. president, the office has taken its toll. you look terrible, mr. president. no, you do, man, look at you, your hair is so white it tried to punch me at a trump rally. president's hair is so white he keeps saying "all lives matter." all right, fine, i get it. i get it. no, man, you came in here looking like denzel. now you're going out looking like grady from sanford and sons. i hate to tell you, but you're dated, mr. president. all i'm saying is that in less than eight years, mr. president, you busted two time-honored stereotypes. black does crack, and
7:43 pm
apparently, once you go black, it looks like we are going black. thanks, ben carson. i got to be careful picking on you, though, mr. president. a couple of years ago during this dinner you were like killing osama bin laden. remember that? who are you killing tonight? the print journalism, that industry has been dead for a while now, right? i'm just kidding, shout out to the print media. no, really, you have to shout. they're like all over 70 now and the follow-up was nice, wasn't it? oh, by the way, guys, black lives matter is here tonight. i'm just kidding, relax, white people. they're not here. it's just a joke, relax, relax. but i am impressed with the people in this room. there are so many rich powerful people in the room. you know, it's nice to finally match the face to the names in
7:44 pm
the panama papers. it's very nice, nice to see them go together. will smith is here from the upcoming movie "suicide squad." by the way, not to be confused with the new jeb bush documentary, suicide watch. groans are good, groans are good. anthony anderson is here from the hit show "blackish." which was also my nickname in high school, unfortunately. that is what they called you in kenya, too, didn't they, mr. president? and c-span of course is carrying tonight's dinner live, yeah. which is ironic because most of their viewers are not. it's true, guys. c-span is the number one network among people who died watching tv and no one found them yet.
7:45 pm
so but it is good to be on c-span, bet i'm not on your rival network, no input, hdmi-1. that was for me, that was for me. cnn is here tonight. i've been watching cnn a long time. yep, used to watch it back when it was the news network. i did. is it all cnn here tonight? i don't know about you guys, but i can't get enough of that cnn countdown clock. now we can see exactly when they hit zero in the ratings. yeah. and not to throw any shade, but fox news is the highest rated cable news channel among viewers who have no idea what shade means.
7:46 pm
fox news -- actually tried to convince america that beyonce was anti-cop after her black panther-inspired performance at the super bowl. anti-cop, come on, at the most, she is anti-pant. i think they just renamed the kelly file, becky with the good hair. lemonade, mr. vi msnbc here tonight? no, which actually announced that they're missing a significant number of black correspondents. am i wrong? have you guys see like they fired melissa perry, they cancelled joy reid. i heard they put chris hayes on probation because they thought he was related to isaac hayes. that is wrong. msnbc got rid of so many black
7:47 pm
people i thought boko-haram was running that network. don lemon is here tonight. hey, don, how is it going? alleged journalist don lemon, everybody. al sharpton, i think was here tonight. you know, i'm surprised al is a hillary supporter. you don't put a relaxer in your hair for 40 years and not feel the bern. that just doesn't happen. it's impossible. is what i'm saying, right? if you're sitting next to al sharpton, feel free to feel the perm, it's okay, we cleared it. it's all right. lots of big news this year, the treasury promised to put harriet
7:48 pm
tubman's face on the 10-dollar bill, but now we have to wait until 2030 for the face to be on the bill, man, like women have not been deceived by a bill since bill cosby. oh, like i did it. he praised jackson saying he was a tremendous president. from the grave, andrew replied, what did that jigaboo say? that is what he said. that is what he said. i'm just the reporter, you guys. i'm just the reporter, i'm the reporter, mr. president. did larry say jigaboo, on president obama's last -- i did, i actually did. but 2016 has been a beast, though, we lost david bowie,
7:49 pm
merle haggard, prince. biggest thing this year, though, has been the presidential election. now he is manning the pottery booth at the craft fair. chris christie was supposed to be here tonight. i don't know if he made it. he rsvp'd for three, him, his wife and dry cleaning, he said he just eliminated everything from his routine that wasn't necessary, like his self-pride and dignity. you guys are tough, man. senator bernie sanders is here tonight. senator? which i'm surprised, you never come to these things. he usually goes to the white house correspondent's early bird
7:50 pm
dinner, nice of you to come to this one tonight. i appreciate it. senator recently had a hernia operation. his doctor says it's his own fault for trying to lift the hopes of the disenfranchised. i am confused with bernie sanders's stand on guns, he seems to be anti-gun everywhere except vermont. he doesn't care who gets a gun in vermont. there are no black people in vermont. i think it's great, bernie has been hanging around with rapper, killer mike, or as hillary clinton calls him, super predator mike. bernie sanders gets knocked for his age, man, which is kind of unfair, isn't it? although i will say that
7:51 pm
bernie's first campaign slogan was fire. remember that? remember that. free stuff, right? yeah. god said let there be light, bernie said, let's sit in the dark. you have to realize, it is a race between senator bernie sanders and hillary clinton. she was frustrated when a black lives matter protester challenged her. man, i haven't seen a white lady that upset by being blindsided by a black person since kelly ripa. exactly. hillary has had some awkward interactions with black lives matter. you know it's bad when her immediate response is, can't we
7:52 pm
talk about benghazi? please? and bernie got in trouble for saying hillary was unqualified. she is extremely qualified. in fact, when you factor all of her policy flip-flops, she is at least several of the most qualified candidates ever to run for president. you know i'm not wrong. donald trump says that if hillary clinton were a man he didn't think she would get 5% of the vote. okay. all right. all right. first of all, if hillary clinton were suddenly a man her biggest problem would be finding a bathroom she would be allowed to use in north carolina. all right? that would be her biggest problem. donald trump, now donald trump says he is going to try to be more presidential. it's true. he is serious about it, too. so he says that now when he boasts about his genitalia during a debate, he is only going to refer to it as president johnson. lbj? oh, there you are.
7:53 pm
and i can't understand why everybody treats donald trump with kid gloves. and then i realized that they were the only gloves that would fit his stupid little baby hands. oh, man. but actually, frankly donald trump, his campaign is inspiring. mass violence. and whenever i turn on the tv i see trump's family campaigning for him, you know, gushing all over him, or as it's also known as, morning joe. have you seen morning joe? come on, guys, seriously. morning joe has their head so far up trump's ass they bumped into chris christie. you know that is true. you know i'm not lying. you know that is true. but donald trump, you know, donald trump looks like the rich dad in every episode of law and
7:54 pm
order where the frat kid accidentally strangles the hooker, doesn't he? or as they say here at the washington hilton tuesdays. but guys, i am not surprised donald trump is happening to america because i watch movies. i do. and every time there is a black president, something always comes to destroy the earth. always. it's true. ted cruz was about to save the race, man. everybody hates ted cruz. even o.j. simpson says that guy is just hard to like. this is true, this is true. you know, there is a joke going around the internet that ted
7:55 pm
cruz is actually the zodiac killer. right? i'm not making that up. come on, that is absurd. some people actually liked the zodiac killer. recently ted cruz got a string of wins and endorsements and then everybody remembered who ted cruz is, the zodiac killer. ted cruz got zero delegates in new york. which is actually five more than i thought he would get for the zodiac killer. john boehner, john boehner came out of retirement and described ted cruz as lucifer in the flesh. lucifer. i mean, that is not fair, man, lucifer is horrible, man, but he is not the zodiac killer. recently, heidi cruz revealed that after he got married ted
7:56 pm
bought them like 100 cans of soup. not making himself look less like the zodiac killer, cruz? not doing it. i think he is just chris-crossing the country zodiac killing. that is my theory. all right, that is enough of him. ted cruz actually announced that carly fiorina will be his vp pick. and he is not even the nominee now. have you seen that? who does that? except the zodiac killer. no, but think how strange it is. ted cruz picked a vice president? that doesn't make sense, because serial killers always work alone. see, starting to make sense now. and i don't know if you thought about this, but if carly fiorina was the vice president, she would only be a heart beat away
7:57 pm
from being zodiac killed. very important information people should know. but right now it's all about you, mr. president. you have seven months left and we should enjoy every moment of it. that is right, soak it in, people. i don't know when we're getting a black president again. i mean, they're not even going to let morgan freeman be president in movies for a while, right? the president and first lady will return to private life. it's going to be different for you guys. nobody to wash your dishes or you know, change the bed linens, sweep the floors. you are going to miss joe biden. oh, man, i just got a note from the president saying if you want another drink you should order it now because the bar will be closing down. of course he said the same thing about guantanamo, so you have at least another eight years. he made that joke. but just think, mr. president. less than a year you will be
7:58 pm
playing golf every day. you know, so things won't be that different. it will be great. and this is your last year in office, right? so now your legacy begins, i want to talk about what has been left behind. and i don't mean the black jesus in the lincoln bedroom. no, i'm just saying make sure you take all of you're culturally specific items with you so you can get your security depose it back, mr. president. quick impression of the next president moving in. what is cocoa butter? i've never heard of such a thing. but i have to say when it's all said and done, mr. president, after eight years in the white house we are really going to miss michelle. we really are.
7:59 pm
thank you for being a good sport, mr. president, but all jokes aside let me say how great it is to be here tonight. i always joked that i voted for the president because he is black, and people say do you agree with his policies? i agree with the policy he is black, and people say is he still black? behind the joke is the humble appreciation for the historical implications for what your presidency means. when i was a kid i lived in a country where people couldn't accept a black quarterback. now think about that. a black man was thought by his color not good enough to lead a football team. and now, to live in your time mr. president when a black man can lead the entire free world.
8:00 pm
[ cheers and applause ] words alone do me no justice. so mr. president, if i'm going to keep it 100, yo berry, you did it my nigga. thank you very much. good night. [ cheers and applause ] all right, that was interesting, to put it diplomatically. it was interesting. they seem to disagree -- rob, a lot of the jokes seemed kind of

185 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on