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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  April 23, 2017 1:00am-2:01am PDT

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>> it's what you devour after you have been dumped by america. even celebrity has felt compelled to give him to win a seat in a district they cannot find in a map. john is their therapy dog and did the press love to pet him. [laughter]
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>> he sounded like barack obama. >> did that so mike barack obama? >> it is the 30 years old? i work for him. yes we can. >> yes, he is just like obama. >> well it does kind of sound like him. >> thank you all for everything you have done. and that you are continuing to do. there is no doubt that this is already a victory for the ages. we are courageous, we are humb humble, and we know how to fight. >> greg: wow. i think i felt a tingle. i may have wet myself. see, he is like obama. i say he is a little full of himself, except he is a lot full of himself.
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in reality, he is a 30-year-old filmmaker. what people in los angeles call, a waiter. [laughter] now, the left are getting because they get a runoff for a seat in georgia while donald trump eats kfc in the oval office at his desk. i will take that trade, especially as a trumpet nears his 100 day mark. what a riot it has been. trump has essentially stuffed 400 days into work into 100. a shout out to botox. a new poll has voters grading his performance and the results are as predictable as a springsteen lyric. ♪ ♪ >> greg: wow. what happened to bruce springsteen?
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that was his anti- protests sign. it is three chords set to chelsea clinton's dream journal. it's official, bruce is now a dixie chick. he is as edgy as a furby. back to the pole. republicans give trump a and b's, democrats, d's and apps. like i said, predictable. trump scores highest on fighting terrorism, that's good. terrorism matters. just as awesome, nearly a third gave trump an f on climate change. do you know what an f on climate changes? it is and it a on climate change. [applause] it means, the pistol people who weep silently on earth day. to me, that is a win.
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really, it is too early to grade truck. it is like eating a green banana or teaching a baby to drive. it is too soon. trump makes deals not decisions and deals evolve over time. he is not beholden to the prison of where everything has to be a yes or no. he sees options everywhere. happily, all of his actions create a sense of uncertainty for our enemies and also, dear rachel. >> do you sleep too much or too well? are you to relax? do you have low blood pressure? a lack of anxiety? not a care in the world? if so, there is a cure for that. >> greg: yes, it is called watching your show. [applause] >> nice one. >> greg: let us welcome tonight's guest.
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he is so tough that he sleeps on a bed of nails in the bed of nails aren't complaining. he host a hollywood weapons on the outdoor channel, retired special forces masters sergeant terry shaffer. this cat has nine lives and she hates them out. national review reporter, catherine. [applause] she is the best thing to come from canada sense and murray, and i love and murray. canadian political commentator, lawrence others. [applause] and finally, he considers mont everest a speedbump. actor, former bodyguard, and plus size model, my massive sidekick, tyrus. [applause] >> it is good to see.
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how would you grade the first 100 days and why would you give such a great? what are your thoughts. >> the grades are silly. from my point of view the military, the green beret sandwiches what i am. i think he has done good. jeff sessions is our attorney general. [applause] neil gorsuch is on the supreme court. [applause] our enemies, which heretofore have not been afraid, i have dealt with that in the last eight years, they are at least afraid of us now. [applause] i think that it's probably more than i think people would have expected from anybody. i'm okay with that. >> greg: terry is okay with th that, cap how about you? >> i am not a fan of jeff sessions is a libertarian.
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i am entitled to my opening. there are some complaints that i have about trump. the thing is, now that it is so easy to be an activist, i have to do is get in the trenches and do stuff. i have to do is tweet, i don't like that guy and then you are an activist. there are some good things. the idea that people don't want him to succeed or there's a petty view of the breakup. they don't like the new boyfriend that america has. but they should care about the child of america want him to succeed. if he succeeds, we all do. so i don't see that pettiness stopping but it has to. [applause] >> greg: what you think lauren? >> people say trump is done nothing but i think he has done less than nothing. that is a good thing. we keep talking about how great it is that obama passed so many things, but trump has taken down 11 or 12 major federal regulations in his first hundred days. nobody talks about that is a great thing when it is. if your government is socks why
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do you want them doing tons of stuff in the first hundred days? [applause] >> i agree. >> greg: tyrus, what is your take? >> i'm taking crazy pills apparently. it's incomplete. you can't judge anybody. his stuff as i come into effect at. it's hard to judge and is still the same thing. if you're republican you love them, if your democrat you hate them. the destruction is still there. it's been there for years and still there now. my concern is not what it looks like as far as his job goes but how it looks to the world. i think problems are having with different countries blowing up and showing their -- a little bit is because the dissension is so bad in the united states. whenever you turn on the news you have what is supposed to be good news insulting our president. everything he does is wrong. the country is in runs. it looks like america is -- for the outside world. which is given people, korea, russia, somebody say will fly by
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the coast, congress will pass anything. we can drop chemical weapons, they want to anything. some are concerned with that. he's our president, he will stare president and we'll see results two years from now. until then, as long as we look like were fighting amongst ourselves it's a bad message to the rest of the world. [applause] >> greg: plot away. i look at trump and i see a really hard-core instructor at a soul cycle class. >> i don't. >> greg: everybody in the class is the medium they can't keep up. the constantly doing different things i don't do anything anymore. i just and cry. what he is doing is creating a sense of uncertainty that puts our adversaries at bay. we feel uncertainty, but when you think about it, not a lot has happened. that's good. looks like stuff is happening but everything is moving along.
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>> i think to your point i like the idea that the government is in my life. in a couple of years we'll really see once it settles out we'll see if donald trump does the kind of stuff i was afraid he was going to do. he's ego driven, i want to do it this way. >> greg: that's my point. >> but we have that limit. >> greg: i have to say he has freed freed us from the idea of two ideas. every issue, it's either this or that. instead, he takes this and that and he creates an endless array of options and so you can always try something else. >> it's like a old country buffet. >> greg: exactly. with incredible creamed corn. enough about the creamed corn. up next, what do north korean relations and a wigwam have in
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common? both our tense.
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>> greg: are things getting grim with little kim? north korea stepped up the threat of nuclear war with the u.s. with declaring to wipe out the u.s. and reduce the america to ashes. it is hard for me to get scared when north korea message translates to the. >> the north korean media warmed of a super mighty preemptive strike. super mighty preemptive strike. >> a super mighty preemptive strike against the united states. super mighty even. >> greg: i feel so bad for those serious news people having to say that ridiculous phrase. i hope charlie rose set it. >> super mighty preemptive strike. [applause] >> greg: that a boy charlie. props all of them, they said that with a straight place. that doesn't sound like nuclear war to me. it sounds more like a sure gear toward 11-year-old boys.
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>> super mighty preemptive strike so that's the threat we are dealing with. i'm a little scared but amused. i have this theory, that when your enemy is comical we don't take it seriously. it isn't funny, i mean it shouldn't be funny, but to us it is. so we don't think anything that is ever going to happen, but it could. >> i've always thought about it like bottle rockets and then i was looking at the news and realize that they can hit the american coast. but there is an easy solution that nobody has really talked about yet. were dealing with a-year-old mentally unstable man with daddy issues who loves basketball. we send michael jordan or dennis rodman over, get chocolates in a talk out and if everything fails put a grenade in the basketball that you leave with them.
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>> greg: the basketball grenade trick. >> you leave michael jordan alone, he's a saint. >> dennis rodman never pays the bill. dennis rodman has done a lot of bad things but the one things he does is he goes to bars and never pays the bills. >> that's true. >> there's nothing wrong with crying. >> speaking of his super mighty catfish, exactly what he did to his people,. >> the bombs in the parades, pretty sure one was locked up. >> with as much jacking in hacking they have done with hollywood and stuff you would've thought the flames would've been better. >> like you don't have a green screen inc. korea. he showing people to show how tough their so they don't worry
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about the food they're not getting. >> greg: is a prison camp of 25 million. >> they realize it's not really, it's a short man who you knew in elementary school but never said hi to. >> greg: is that directed at me? it is true. i plan on taking over country just to get back at everybody. terry, you are good on the subject. it's always to you about china correct? have you changed your mind on that? >> it north korea cannot feed its people, it's kinda like if you look out the soviet union what it was going through it look like it had an oppressive military but they couldn't maintain it they couldn't sustain it, it was crap. the same with north korea, they couldn't hit us and more importantly they can hit our allies which were supposed to be defending. i was sad when you see north korea and a new story substitute
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china. there bit like a pitbull, but in general north korea is not going to do anything without china's approval. and if they do they will pay for it for china worse than we will give it to. >> cat, what is your solution to this? >> a wire we spending time getting involved in other countries. i'm a little skeptical. >> we have a lot of problems here and any good therapist would say we need to work on ourselves first. we don't have enough resources to solve all the problems of the world. they're mad at us. super mighty preemptive strike is funny, but it wouldn't be funny if they did it. >> greg: that's my point. ever since south park, the north korean leaders have always been a punchline but what if that
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punchline actually has a punch. >> it's good to make them a punchline it's good to take people down a notch. >> until they kill you. >> is there any mystery that every time a rocket takes off there's a guy in a ship that says i think we got a. >> we serve fake tag serve thank missiles. >> sooner or later it will come to a head. you can take my word on that. >> shut up, terry. >> greg: up next, is trumps by america program a good idea. we thomas to discuss it in an adult -like manner. [applause] meta appetite control...
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it is usually attended by the president. now back to greg gutfeld. >> greg: be very afraid, unless it is american-made. on tuesday, president trump went to wisconsin, state to stein an executive order promoting promote and use american-made good and ensure american labor is hired to do the job.
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but only if we start making cool things like this note on. >> that is ingenious. the order is on course with his campaign rhetoric of making sure that more products are made in the usa. on the other hand, the order does limit the choices of businesses and consumers which isn't in line with the free market system of capitalism. if it's a patriotic act to buy american, does that mean going to sandals i'm cancun makes me a traitor? i hope not. because we just got our tickets and our speedo's. by an american and hired american sounds awesome, almost like a great plot for a movie. >> when was the last time you
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saw a chevrolet in tokyo. >> in a world where there are no chevrolets in tokyo. >> we are going to fight for american workers. >> when american workers need to be fought for. it's unfair foreign trade. one man is ready to work harder for america he would save a puppy from a burning building. executive action, trade justice. >> terry, your patriotic american, i have a problem being told that by in america is a patriotic duty. if you want to do that, that's your choice. i think it's un-american to
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demand that i buy something american because america's about free markets. the best prices for the best goods. sometime a gesture based on a platitude pisses me off. does that make me un-american? >> that person gets a treat after the show. >> i was talking about this early, we knew trump was like this. trump is it really a free market guy, he is about crushing the opposition. we knew that. he can get away with this for a little while, in a way it hit the other side so much that you could do a little bit of not cool course correction and do this stuff. but there will be a fine line where it becomes my way or the highway, and it's not making deals,. >> maybe he's doing this when i said there's no yes or no that he's in the middle. >> this is economic regulation with a cute little name.
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the exact same thing the democrats passed called the clean air act. it sounds nice but it's this burden some month monstrosity. i don't hate america, i don't hate clean-air, i know the sweetest arable is the one that smells like freedom. [applause] >> greg: freedom smells great. he went after canada this week over dairy farmers. >> first i want to address this, i don't think you read the executive order, this was not an executive order. it was an executive suggestion. >> so nothing is really happening. they will look into it. i just like the idea of looking into it. >> trying to manipulate people with a cute little name and limit choices. >> it's still a campaign thing. >> canada wants to do the same
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thing where justin trudeau wants us to only by canadian milk so they have a lot of protection going on around that. and trump is mad about it because he wants them to buy our milk as well. and a lot of people in america don't know about the underground american milk trade. we used to come in in the car and by tons of milk and then hide it in our jackets it in the trunk and make sure the border guards when find it away with get taxed on it because of so much cheaper in america. so they're trying to stop us from buying american milk. >> is the root of all evil. the flatulence is causing climate change. it is disgusting to think that you can get milk out of that thing. >> it is called an utter. >> greg: i don't care, i am staying away from it. >> that's not canada's problem with milk.
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if you want us to drink your milk, stop making the goofy bag that you have to cut the top off it. it's a bag of milk. it's horrible. literally, you cut it wrong it is a bag of milk. i hold it up. >> greg: to have problems with milk? not digestion, i do. just the idea and concept of milk a strange. >> is her question that you ask about buying america? you could be buying computers and. >> robots have no nationalities. that's beautiful but that on a t-shirt still to come. >> they have vowed to build a wall that tall. was it too small? we discuss things we think we know were talking about
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>> greg: and never fails.the boy summer. this raises the question. where's the money to pay for? where is wall dough? we will need it soon if you believe what homeland security
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secretary, said this week. >> i think by late spring come early summer will have some prototypes. we'll be able to move forward in the summer. we will not be able to do it all in one afternoon, that is build a wall and physical barrier and a see through wall depending on the conditions. we will get added as quick as we can't. >> greg: interesting. mark your calendar. note to people under 20, a calendar is a series of pages showing the days, weeks, and months of a particular year. [applause] old people have them. they usually get them from auto parts stores, or sometimes banks. anyway, those, same came as a secretary kelly made a trip with jeff sessions. illegal immigration from central america is at a 15 year low because my theory again, maybe donald trump is the wall. i believe we have tape of the
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first wall prototype test. >> lauren, they keep talking about a wall down south. are we missing an opportunity here? >> i love the wall. the wall is great. america should definitely have the wall. [applause] but, trump has scared away all of your illegal immigrants and now they're going to canada. they have made my city, toronto a sanctuary city now. they take them in every day. i think we need a wall up north as well. to keep your illegal immigrants in america or back to mexico. >> greg: i'm not to try to figure out what it is. cats, you don't like the wall,
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not even the album. wow, that joke was so bad, they booted. i deserve that. i am running on thin gas here. will this be like obama's closing gitmo? >> it already is because he said mexico would pay for it. people in a go so quickly. if i bought something off of the television and it said that i got a free tote and then i got my bill and i paid for the tote, i would be mad. i would be like mexico is supposed to pay for the toe. and if you said you liked the tote and say okay. a lot of people are saying okay about this. we are so far in debt. and there are planes. people can oversee visas. >> greg: i'm going to make a tremendous point about this. again, we are entering the
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prison of two ideas. wall, or no wall? you can have both. this is where trump was ahead of everybody else. a structure with an opening, a beautiful wall with a beautiful gate breaks you out of the prison of two ideas. he is in we can have read wall but the good people must come in. he broke us out of the prison of two ideas. >> that was good. i didn't listen to anything he said. [applause] i know it was brilliant. watching that again, i thought sessions and kelly look like a couple of used car salesman's. saying come on down, were going to sell it to you. >> it just as that by two it. i just want to say that, whatever you said i'm sure was good. >> greg: tyrus, is the end of summer realistic to have this wall in place? >> was unrealistic was to guys
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in a hot suit in the desert. >> one of your guests, what are my favorite people had a great idea. charge admission. disneyland makes like a hundred million dollars a year. we have the ability where we charge a service fee to come in the united states, we can make lake $463 billion a year. so it's like a turn turnstile. they can buy a ten day pass and they can work in come back and work and come back and re- up. >> i haven't read the book yet, but the path can have e tickets. >> have the empire state building and i have the space needle, they don't even know how far it is a part. >> there has to be border
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control though. >> we all agree. we like borders. >> greg: up next, which is the purpleish? the right or the left? the story no one is talking about, for good reason.
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>> greg: b a fact of life that the right has light on the left is bereft. students from the university of new orleans, louisiana, says it's time for says society's most bossy groups to check their privilege. including men, heterosexual, white people, college students, u.s. citizens, and right-handed people. arguing nearly everything is structured for their benefit. don't try to silence the left-handed peopl person who cos about a scissors hurting their
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hand or how a school desk is hard to sit in, or the struggle of having dirty hands from writing in pencil. this may seem petty especially to the rest of the issues. but the world is made for right-handed people. [applause] they applaud. they are applauding a quote from somebody. now, that sounds dumb. maybe it is or maybe not. now, you cover a lot of college crap. what's your take? >> ever said that this was stupid. then i did some research. this kid does have a point. the struggles of a left-handed person goes far beyond a scissors and arts and craft. there's a typical day for left-handed people based on real statistics. you wake up painfully hung over because you drank three times more than your right-handed buddies the night before. you like enough to make it out the door, good luck opening it because the doorknob is on the wrong side.
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then you get your car by forget about having coffee because the cupholder is on the right side. then you hold it and that puts you incredible danger because your five times more likely to die from an accident. if you're lucky enough to finally get there, guess what, screw you, you're making 10% less than your right-handed counterpart. will that backwash is over. you take a break and had to the waterfront. which again, wrong side. think about letting some steam off? maybe hit some golf balls and the guys as well, we don't have those left-handed clubs. beaded, loser. you will search for entertainment, maybe go to a movie. don't go to a horror film because you scare easier than brighterighties and year twice s likely to suffer from ptsd. nobody wants to sit next to you for dinner and i'll tell you to go bump your double somewhere else. then you go home alone and maybe
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it's because you have been leaning in for kisses the opposite way. although lefties have a better underwire dirt vision then righties. if your name is aquaman. my advice, be a righty. [applause] >> greg: i didn't know that there more likely to have accidents. they get paid last. >> ptsd, alcoholism. >> i'm mostly left-handed. >> greg: what you do your your right hank? >> your typical day. >> like today. in my military career most of the guns are designed for right-handed people because most people are right-handed. even when i shot my bread and 92 i would have to change my grip. i adapted, i got as fast if not faster than other right-hand guys. you do have to adjust, dirty hands but i shoot.
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i know we had a shorter lifespan. that's good to know. >> so when i kill someone i should sail by the way on lefty. >> your ambidextrous? >> i am brace weird. i'm like a where it like a badge of honor. the right society has been running things forever. when you are lefty, you learn their way but you have an advantage because you're still left-handed dominate. you can go the other way. here's the thing about being ambidextrous. teachers thought it took too long to teach you to write both ways so i learned the right-handed way. but in sports i was always left-handed. and that came a huge advantage a basketball. defending your left when you're writing is harder. watch a fight, a guy who trains with southpaw has a huge
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advantage. >> i'm right-handed. i didn't think this was a problem paradise laughing during the monologue until he said the world was made for right-handed people. and everybody started cheering. i think we are surrounded by a bunch of right-handed supremacists. on a serious note, this is where they get it wrong, it's not the right hand people who are privileges that ambidextrous people who should cut off a hand for fairness sake. you can be whatever you want for whatever occasion. they keep getting around. >> greg: final thoughts are next. stay right there. we have good ones. [applause]
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>> greg: don't forget the new primetime lineup starts monday at 8:00 p.m. eastern. it is tucker carlson tonight. he has an exclusive interview with kaitlyn jenner. the 9:00 p.m. eastern, it's, the five. [applause] we are running out of time. >> what did you want to say all show but didn't have the chance to say it? >> terry? >> i got a new series out it's called hollywood weapons on the outdoor channel every monday night. i reenact the crazy stuff you see on tv. it's a lot of fun. >> greg: be sure to take that show while you're watching, the five. lauren, her new interesting fact that you left your drivers license at fox when you to my podcast. interesting fact about her driver's license,. >> i'm legally a man in canada.
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[applause] >> i don't just pass very well, i'm actually female. in canada, it took me an hour to switch my license to mail. and i were makeup, had my hair down and everything. i told them identify as a man is set i'm so sorry sir, gave me and am on my license. >> and their many men like you in canada? >> terry is going, while -- wow. >> greg: we have to go. thanks to terry, lauren, tyrus. i'm a greg gutfeld the, i love you america. looks pretty cool.
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eric: have a good night. reporter: new signs of conflict agendas as we look ahead to a crucial week in washington. this is the "fox report." the white house setting its sights on tax reform as the president approaches the iconic 100-day mark his term. >> we'll have a big announcement wednesday having to do with tax reform. the process has begun long ago. but it formally begins wednesday. heather: also on the agenda, healthcare reform and reaching a

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