tv The Greg Gutfeld Show FOX News March 17, 2019 2:00pm-3:00pm PDT
>> all right. imagine you are on a bus or a train and there's only one seat available next to you. and of course come here comes a young bony backpack with patchy facial hair wearing a wolfpack in the summertime. he sits down and starts talking to pretend that he's really excited and d excitable. he just went backpacking all around europe and he has so much to tell you about the world. and he is dying to tell you all about it.
yes! [cheering] in today's episode, beto o'rourke tells us that the world is ending. >> there is going to be massive migration of tens unor hundreds of millions of people from countries that are literally uninhabitable or underwater. and would love to see right now. this was our final chance of scientists was unanimous on
this. there was no more than 12 years to take incredibly bold action on this crisis. >> after free basing raw cookie dough. i have not seen that much hand movement since i visited the massage parlor in florida. [laughter] of course, you know who else noticed? this guy. >> i think he has a lot of hand movement. i've never seen so much hand movement. as it is he crazy or is it just the way he acts? i've never seen have movement. i watched him a little while this morning. during i assume it was some sort of news conference. and i've actually never seen anything quite like it. study him, i'm sure you will agree. >> study it! i'm sure that you will agree. from now on, that is all you're going to see. beto 's hands.
you know it's also great? we going to get a nickname. weird beto, betty beto, -- anything with some commentary. you understand, it's going to be -- awesome! now -- [applause] all of this, all of this somehow coincides with a vanity fair cover story on the latest democratic messiah. what a coincidence. it is a 10,000 word full-blown ass kissing. i'm not seen that much brown nosing since i woke up that morning in a dog park. [laughter] i don't know. but beto, he has hit the media jackpot. hihe's not threatening thin whi progressive he is bernie sanders without tthe dandruff. and about 50 years.
more important, he is them and they are him. a mirror to the media. no wonder vanity fair was so in love. how much in love? imagine how a little girl looks at a pony. or a boy at a shoddy bicycle under a christmas tree. or michael moore having a tricky dipped in barbecue sauce. a twinkie dipped in barbecue sauce. if you haven't tried that, you're missing out. that's how they see beto. mind you he wrote a similar valentine to john edwards. that did not end well for last time i checked he was guessing peoples wait at the carnival. now the ewriter isn't the only ongoing fan boy. half of the press keeps referring to ms. kennedy-esque and sadly they do not mean this one. [laughter] [applause] greg: yes, yes. but as i always say, being called kennedy-esque is cool unless they referring to your driving.
[booing] stop it! the medias narrative they know the giant has always been the media pc cannot say that beto is a david when he is the full force of the goliath media behind him. and it is not the fault of beto to his goliaths teachers pet. it's easy to be the pet, just do it they say. god help you if you don't. just ask tucker. but let me ask you this. let me ask you this. if you look at the david and goliath analogy, what reality comes closest to that? if goliath is the consensus media, that would make david donald trump. and donald trump use their spotlight as his slingshot and they'd snever been the same ev since. in the world of politics there is only one goliath and it controls the stories, creates division, constantly sowing conflict to ensure their own economic survival. which is why i am brace
daylight saving time. [laughter] transition, eh? donald trump wants it to be permanent and so do i. daylight saving time, it sets the clocks forward.[laughter] meaning we lose one hour of the media lying to you. [laughter] [applause] we have -- [applause] we have longer, brighter days ahead. an extra hour to do stuff outside. how will you spend yours?♪ ♪ [music] ♪ if daylight saving becomes ♪ permanent imagine all the ♪ things you can do with the ♪ extra hour of sunlight. ♪ you can go for a run after ♪ cwork, take your dog to the ♪ park. ♪ volunteer at the nursing ♪ home. ♪ >> or find the best outdoor ♪ happy hour to get loaded on ♪ martinis. ♪ >> with the extra hour you ♪ can have a birdwatching ♪ hobby. ♪ meet an old friend for
coffee. >> go to work in your stays close with cigarettes and dog -- with another hour you can catch a game, take a yoga class in the park or by a case of beer and sit on the porch and drink until you are screaming your ex-wife's name into a pillow. get ready for permanent daylight saving. a victory for everyone! [laughter] [applause] >> let's welcome tonight guest.l we call it the cabdriver open casket look. here is our comedian. [applause] when it comes to heroism, he truly is the bomb. former u.s. marine bomb technician staff sergeant joey -- [applause] she only sass is in her fake
glasses. [applause] in his taylor charges and triple peer former wwe superstar, my sidekick and host of un-pc on "fox nation", tyrus. [applause] jimmy, am glad that you just up again. honestly, you need help. [laughter] what do you make of all of thi spawning? how is immediate not aware of what they are doing? i don't understand it. >> it's can i start there? >> yes. >> is emblematic of everything wrong. the trophy generation peer within that he ran for senate, lost the cut treated like he won. and now he ran into the world ea with the overconfidence of the ugly person who thinks ethey ar hot. now he is approaching people at the party that he should not be approaching because he does not know that he has a four. >> exactly! christ take it from a fellow four. you need to know your limitations people. >> i will take it! i appreciate the kennedy shout
out. many of you do not know that i write that show. a lot of people say the comic lego fox business, have to do that. if truth is i wanted to write for a comedy channel but cnnwas not hiring. [laughter] so how -- here we are. greg: they say he is kennedy ask but -- >> he's like one third string. it's embarrassing. like you said earlier, where the last hope that the earth has! like i know donald trump said she's a lot of things but no one ever called him the media from armageddon. do you want to relax dude? it's embarrassing! >> are you and said wired by beto? >> no i am not. you are talking about a guy that is a product of private school that would probably have our kids suffer in public school for the rest of their lives. talking about a guy that
compares climate change and the men that stormed normandy. so it he would rather just give up on freedom, i could go on but i think i'm good on beto. >> you are? do you live in his district? you live in texas, right? >> i lived in texas. i egrecently moved back. my home state, it's gorgeous. >> georgia, in another state. are you excited about beto? or just strong thoughts? you dated men like beto. >> yes with nose piercings. >> when did you get rid of them? >> recently. i'm confused by beto because as everyone has mentioned so far, he lost his home state and now he says, oh!
i will run for president! as i getting cut from the high school football team and then say they're going to try to make in the nfl. [laughter] >> that is like -- [applause] i've got more! greg: all right! it's like -- peanut butter jelly and decided d to open a restaurant. also i've got this one. greg: okay. >> is like asking a girl to prompt heand when she says no saying okay, then can i get you pregnant? [laughter] i am so glad that i don't have that kind of delusional self confidence because i'll probably be pursuing a bodybuilding career right now. [applause] greg: applause the crazy lady! you know tyrus, i love the fact that donald trump recomments, i he keeps doing this he saying what we are thinking. we see the hands and that is the thing that he commented on. i love that! >> i saw a lot more than the hands. let's slow this down for a minute. this is blatant collusion.
by the media trying to influence an election. you lost to ted cruz. ted -- cruz! [laughter] if ted cruz beat me in anything, i'm not coming back! >> to the point of tires that their pleading with him, they h are selling the message for him. greg: right. >> in this way they completely misunderstand electric. they're trying to sell us on the idea of how great his rallies are and they don't understand that nothing competes with the trump rally. [applause] when you go to any democratic rally. any democratic rally is completely cochlear to pay them an audience cord needed to make sure there's one of every type of human that can possibly pull a lever in the background. -- pikachu, mario, luigi. line to get seated at cracker barrel. amazing! the guy in the left in a who forded t-shirt, a old woman, a
fat guy eating pizza, that is chris christie. and everyone is having a great time. and i love chris christie. i'm not knocking! greg: tyrus, final thoughts? >> a hell of a rant there! [laughter] if donald trump is so powerful, vanity made him put his hands in his back pocket. no one else knows that? did you look at the picture? do us a favor, just hide the hands. [laughter] because they know it's coming. they know what's coming.put them -- in the front pocket? no, in the back pocket. do not show the hands! look at the photo. greg: look how frightened the dog is. the dog is terrified! >> actually thought that that was a police photo from a dui. greg: later in the show, remember blockbuster video? there's only one left in the whole world. and we sent kat there to talk about the people keeping alive. and the bribery scandal is next.
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felicity huffman and lori loughlin, who cares really! and the master maker, singer. paying an sat prep instructed to correct the condensers or just take the test for the kid. creating fake athletic profiles and photo shopping their lkids heads onto athletic bodies. i just did it for fun actually. laughlin paid half a million to get her kids on the usc crew team and they don't even arow. olivia jade, the yacht that she was on when her mother was indicted. the yacht that belonged to the chair board of trustees at usc. so in their futures look like? don't know! but for laurel he won't involve the hallmark channel and for olivia jade will not involve sephora. both drop them. but the real question is will this game end up leveling the playing field? because it is not there. my friend snowball did not get accepted to harvard and he made
this. [video] [applause] greg: pretty impressive! snowball. all right joey, i think one of the big problems here is that college has been a virtual signal because first they want a bachelors, then they want a ma then a phd. i believe that corporate should make military service and equal priority and people would be more inclined to join the military then go to some stupid elite college. what do you say that? >> i think it's amazing! [applause] i did go to georgetown after graduated from the university of bombs and bullet at parris island. and a little worried about this picture because i have sent some pictures in. i had legs and those and when i showed up they were a little bit upset.
i was trying out for the babaseball team. [laughter] i tell people all the time that we talk the way i do -- >> i'm sorry to interrupt but he does this -- all the time. just a laugh! >> that's the most interesting thing about me. come on! [laughter] i tell people all the time you know, i went to georgetown there will anyone in these days. i can't say that anymore, i might get in trouble! [laughter] greg: when you said you went for the baseball team it was such a terrible joke i wanted to make but i did not make it. during the break, kat you went to college, would you go? >> hillsdale. greg: interesting. you can applaud. what you make of this college scandal?did upset you? >> yeah will come in the case of lori loughlin, i honestly
think that potentially having to go to prison so that your daughter can attend college to get instagram likes is sadder than old yeller but i also think that it is not wrong to want to want to help your kids. my parents help me little bit. remember one time even brought lme a name brand trapper keepe. greg: nice! kat: that was like the best day. but by doing this to not creating future for their kids there creating monsters. hibecause they are teaching the there so entitled that they don't have to worry about things like responsibility or hard work or being grateful. they don't have to face consequences. they'll have everything handed to them and they can do it if they want. they're trying to create scholars but creating nightmares and taking the sponsor people deserve on their merit and it's really sick. [applause] greg: tyrus! tyrus: yeah, i'm a parent.
greg: you are a parent. tyrus: i love my kids to death. one of them can't toe the line and i'm not paying rent to go anywhere! [laughter] i love him to death but come on bro, i don't care you are not going. you cannot cut on the line. as bad as this is, and i honestly think they should go to jail and i cannot wait to see that.it will be fun, the mascara running and stuff. at that point, they will be begging for president trump for pardons. tyou know it's like living in canada. the whole part was the phone call. this is when, the parents knew what they had. greg: yet. tyrus: they were on the phone with the guy, the test taker trying to negotiate how they were going to do the test, how they were going to scam the schools, the kids were sitting there and they were like i think we can give them like a -- and they look at the k, no, make it lower. [laughter] they will not believe that. make ieit lower. >> do you know it's funny though and then, when they got the fake high scores the kids want to take it again. and say i got a 710! i should get a perfect score!
>> that's when they do it out of love because they love their dad too much. you know you should've gone with the science kid in high school because you are dumb this is not your score. but mommy had to do this for you. is probably why the kids attitude was like, i only go to school for beer parties and football. greg: yeah. tyrus: that was $500,000? greg: just do that then, go to outhe football. they love it when people that are not in school come to your parties. you are usually the drug dealer. this is an accountable story for me because i'm afraid you'll find about the four pack of zima my parents used to get me at nassau community college for that dime bag could come back to haunt me. [laughter] yet to think about the perks of the story. at least now we know how michael avenatti got into law school. [applause] but to the point of kat i know
people that would've done anything to not go to college and get a $400,000 degree and gender studies that made them a aybarista for the next 65 years. in a lot of ways maybe a couple people dodged a bullet. i think every parent, i am a parent. i think every parent, this is going to forever is in denial. we'll have a parent at think circuit is a lot better.will have a parent that think that their kid is going pro. you know bradley will be the major leagues. and i say yeah will bradley wears a t-shirt in the pool. not looking great right now! >> what's wrong with >> nothing as long as i'm concerned. greg: some of us are self-conscious, we developed earlier than other boys. kat: eyewear a wetsuit! greg: eyewear boxes to the -- nevermind. this is why i don't onhave kids. i worked hard all my life and i don't need them to get me into jail. i don't have to worry about college, i will adopt them when they're 19. all right, up next, mark d-zuckerberg developing a
to change countries gun laws. in a strain born man is in police custody. ethiopians transport minister giving an update on the investigation to last sunday's crash of an ethiopian airlines flight. it killed all 157 people on board. the minister staying the flight data recorder was recovered in good condition and shows quote - clear similarities to last october is deadly crash of the same type of boeing jet in indonesia.ethiopian officials also say they expect a preliminary report to be released in 30 days. i am jon scott. i will be back to the top of the hour for the "fox report". now back to the greg gutfeld show. greg: that facebook -- want to read your thoughts were mark zuckerberg discussed the ongoing department of a brain computer interface. it will look like a shower you put on your head. it will measure your brain
activity and the data it gathers would be used to fill the screen in front of you. another was a computer could read your freaking mind. the upside from worried about morning traffic the machine would show me the traffic patterns.the downside is of course facebook knows what i'm thinking about -- ruth in a bikini. the's not the only one working on this crap. thought powered robots have been developed by mit. this is happening! even elon musk is working on his own brain computer technology with his startup company nor link. i wonder if it can read with these bozos are thinking. >> when will -- were we ever greater than we are today [singing] >> this is my favorite part.
greg: all my god! that is cnn at their best! [applause] -tyrus! [applause] you must have thought about this because i read your thoughts. tyrus: that will be in my brain for a long time. [laughter] tyrus: man! greg: i'm sorry. tyrus: go ahead. greg: doesn't scare you? tyrus: hawhat? greg: the mind-reading! tyrus: yes i'm really scared. heyou can't tell what i'm thinking. you know how many jobs fi've lost off of this face! pretty much my face is like, i hate you. i can't hide it. it will be what, and honesty meter?you see all guys think about is porn and food? from and it will be really bad and for women it will be really long stories. lots of adjectives and you have
to understand and then you will see what they really dreamed of before the marriage you. tall, , slender and smart on ti unrealistic goals. and mine is like food, naked chick, food. greg: and you will think about how to get out of things. one expert in this area says this will destroy love because you cannot fall in love with somebody if you know what they are thinking right then and there. i think it's interesting. >> i don't know i disagree in that it can save long-term marriages. like he's married. think of it this way. he probably wants to read his wife's mind. so he knows what he'll be in trouble for in the morning. that's why he's making out with a turtle. but it is kind of freaky to me. tand every time they hear one
these facebook stories, and makes me want to go back and apologize to tom from myspace. do you remember tom for myspac ? he treated us right, he didn't care. >> there just getting out there to see how they react. kat, whose mind would you read first? kat: i don't really want to read anyone's mind. i don't think i could handle it iemotionally. i just don't understand why this like skinny man in his hoodie is so obsessed with thinking what everyone else is thinking all the time. but i'm not worried about it because i don't think it would affect me that much. >> why? >> because i very rarely think before i speak anyway. if you wanted to read my mind you would not need a mind-reading machine. you just need to give me like three beers! and i would say i peed my pants
in the first grade in class nothing much, how about you? [laughter] greg: u.s. -- you are still thinking about that. >> i have girl scouts after school and i was just hoping i didn't smell. greg: joey, the last word to you. could this be helpful for anybody? >> as a fellow robot -- [applause] my best one all night. greg: if you went and did, what is that, my heritage? >> ancestry. greg: you 50 percent terminator. [laughter] that would be pretty cool. >> you can catch one better than elizabeth warren. [laughter] greg: i'm scared of this over and everything. you'll be walking on hearing everyone's thoughts. is not good. because what we are thinking about, it is not good what's in there. we keep it in there for a reason because it is evil and bad! still ahead, will you get hired
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♪ ♪ greg: can you now just like a slob when interviewed for a job? meet a robot designed to conduct interviews without bias. it is supposed to eliminate the pre- disposed judgment. i'm not a robot! a human interview might have. doesn't worry about sex, race, religion. whether you have a huge bug crawling up your neck. when we come back, we have all the new developments in two cases, jussie smollett and the college admissions scam,
geraldo rivera, -- a really shocking crime, you will see that ahead. >> that is pro-, pro-work! to do that without glitching. anyway, he has a humanlike vase, his eyes blank. to make it less where they are talking to machine in the hopes that he will hire you. not a bad idea. then again i was had a horrible interview with a robot. here's how it ended. i couldn't resist! [applause] kat, great idea? bad idea? kat: things the best idea ever because i can go to a job interview without worrying about getting ready or putting on makeup or anything. tyrus: are you always complaining about putting on makeup?kat: because! you know yit is like to put on full face of makeup?
that's right, you don't and you don't because you are guys and you get to just go along and use all the extra time to learn how to become president while all of us are sitting at home, rubbing toxic sparkly things on our faces trying to get husbands. i'm not even wearing makeup when i'm not on camera. you will onot want to know why greg? greg: why? kat: because i'm still not good enough i do. i got an email from a viewer last week that says you're kind of pretty. but you are really pale.you should get a tan. which i found compelling but at the same time i would prefer not cancer.and at the second part, i don't know how to put it on. like ladies, how do you do it? one of you please teach me how to look good put on makeup? i get these clumps on my eyes and i dget marks underneath tha look like a raccoon punched me in the face then i also like, my eyeliner, i have a shaky hands it looks like i did in an electric chair. it looks awful. and like turning get me started on the hair extensions.
tyrus: enough! kat: i've had enough! i will tell you, i've had enough! [laughter] i've had enough! i'm sick of it! i am sick of it! [applause] greg: so joey, utabout robots. [laughter] >> first of all, life must be really hard for you. [applause] i would join you but i cannot even hop out of here. greg: talk about makeup in front of joey. >> i'm kidding, it is tough. really. to have to paint over that every day. now i think this is just for me with all the robot things. but bias is inoculation of all the wisdom and experiences that you have. bias is not as negative it's your gut feeling. and you know, come on, i don't get this. and also, is the only way in getting a job! you know. [laughter] i wasn't really greater my last one.
like i have to win you over there, you know? you know put a smile in your face. what am i going to say to the robot? [laughter] greg: jimmy, i almost forgot your name. >> did not say that this is a swedish company. so we have to build the robot yourself. [laughter] by the time you get done with that the interview is over. actually don't think it's a good idea because i think when you interview your trying to get a read for the persons character. and you could just go in there and lie. essentially, this robot will end up hiring a lori loughlin 's daughter. >> that's why the equestrians -- they all weigh 425pounds. >> why did the face how to be white on the robot? >> that is true! >> he has to be white, right?
okay. i don't know what the hell that is. that is the thing from avatar. the thing in the commercial is a white dude with rosy cheeks. greg: they need a bro bot! greg: and we sent kat to the last remaining blockbuster on earth. it is the only way to get her outside. [applause] hottest taqueria? and the hottest...what are those? oh, pierogis? and this is the avery's wondering if eating out is eating into saving for their first home. this is jc... (team member) welcome to wells fargo, how may i help? (vo) who's here to help with a free financial health conversation, no strings attached. this is the avery's with the support they needed to get back on track. well done guys. (team member) this is wells fargo.
blockbuster store in australia announced it will close this month which means there will only be one store left in the world. yes, the last blockbuster in oregon will ,remain open and th manager says they have no plans of closing. that is pretty cool. there used to be over 9000 stores worldwide. to be the last one remaining is kind of an achievement. it is like outliving everyone in your family. we sent our own kat to see how this species survived.♪ ♪ [music] ♪ >> i finally reached the end ♪ of a long exhausting journey ♪ all the way to the exotic ♪ location of bend, oregon. ♪ where the last remaining
♪ specimen of endangered ♪ species still survives. ♪ blockbuster video. ♪ at its height, there were w ♪ more than 9000 stores. ♪ how did this one survive all ♪ of the vicious predators ♪ like netflix and hulu? ♪ i am going to find out. so i do like to get was at blockbusters to the streaming them online? >> basically don't have the capability of doing it. and it's a lot cheaper. >> sometimes having 70 options can be a little daunting. being able to just come here and look like they have less. but in this case less is more. kat: do you know about netflix? >> yeah, i'm not a big fan actually. >> i like how they have the older movies. lake you can find them on any site online? kat: did you move here because the blockbuster? >> no but maybe that's a good idea.
kat: do you feel sorry for me living in new york without a blockbuster? >> i do feel sorry for you. >> i like having my own little thing. kat: i sat down with the blockbuster general manager to see how she's kept the story alive. first of all i want to thank you for saving blockbuster. you are a true american hero. >> well, thank you. kat: how does it feel to have survived this long beyond all of the others? >> it feels pretty amazing actually. i'm very proud to be representing blockbuster in the city of bend. kat: is there something bigger than dvds at stake here?>> absolutely, it's a family business. we have relationships here that we have created over the years. i mean i have all my employees or family. they call me the blockbuster mom. they are off getting married and having kids and i'm having blockbuster grandkids. this is a family business. kat: what would you say if there was a young woman who had
spent about 10 years of her life renting only happy gilmore? over and over again. >> are we italking about you? kat: i didn't say we are talking about me. is it possible that you like to open a new blockbuster? lo>> i love to see the revitalization of blockbuster i just do not know if it is feasible. kat: would've blockbuster combined with other companies for survival? kind of like you know how there is a dunkin' donuts /baskin-robbins. >> i am open for suggestion. kat: blockbuster/funeral home. blockbuster/ enron. blockbuster/ amc movie theater. blockbuster/jiffy lube. blockbuster/ party dojo. blockbuster/victoria's secret. >> i don't know i would be able to keep my employees focus. kat: i am here -- >> i'm open for suggestions! kat: what are some of the
positive attributes of blockbuster? >> that happiness. you have been for a little while now and everyone that walks through the door has a smile on their face. to have a place a deposit of the everyone can walk in and have a smile on the face no matter what's happening in their day is pretty kat: had some new ideas for blockbuster slogans.i will run them by you.okay? >> all right. kat: blockbuster video, check me out, i'm not dead. >> i like it.kat: blockbuster video, because julio causes dysentery. [laughter] >> we make in trouble for that. kat: blockbuster video, because movie theaters have bedbugs. >> again, i think that we might get sued over that. kat: blockbuster video -- netflix. [laughter] >> is a family business on a think we can say that. kat: blockbuster video, watch movies at home naked like god intended. why don't you have a reality show? i mean if the jerks at pawn stars can have a real show, why not this?
>> we've had a few people reach out to talk to us about it. we just haven't had the right thing yet. kat: thank you so much sandy. it's an honor to meet you. thank you for the work you do to save this endangered specimen. thank you. >> thank you. kat: it's been quite an adventure.i learned a lot about blockbuster and hope that the world has too. [applause] greg: all right! what did you learn? kat: i just wanted to say thank you again to sandy and everyone at blockbuster for being such a good sport. it was so much fun, thanks for having us. greg: very good, all right! get your tickets now for the monologues live. next show d.c. april 6, thank w -- in may oklahoma, texas. mom! he's blinking too loud. sorry, is that too loud? you don't need any more hormones in your house. that's why you chose kraft natural cheese. made with fresh milk without the added hormone rbst.
>> fine all thoughts, it is the last thoughts that is why is final thoughts okay. >> i see people on twitter calling oh o'rourke the dumb ao, stop that, aoc is the dumb aoc . >> never apologize for loving your country, culture, community, family and a others, that is okay. respect the same thing. >> i was told we had no times for final thoughts, i am fresh out of thoughts. >> check out our podcast. fox news.com. >> thank you. you i love you. and you. [applause]
>> president said friday he does not see white nationalism as a rising global threat. pinning blame on a small group of people. authorities say new zealand shooter mentioned president trump in his anti-immigrant manifesto, but mulvaney said that the president is not a white supremacist. telling fox news sunday it is absurd to suggest that president's political rhetoric influenc