tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert Me-TV January 4, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
(audience chanting stephen) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome, everybody! welcome to the show and welcome to 2016. (cheers and applause) or if you're in australia, 2017. (laughter) i think they're a little bit ahead. it's great to be back after two weeks off. i feel completely rejuvenated. although there is one downside: i have to wear pants again. it just feels so unnatural! my dogs gotta breathe! (laughter) hope everyone had a great new year's eve. did you have a good time over the holidays? (cheers and applause) yep, good time. i had a spectacular new year's eve. the ed sullivan theater is in the heart of times square. we have a direct view of the ball drop from our roof. so, i went to prague.
got out of here. and no one does new year's eve like the czechs. they're not big on rules over there. they let you slide on little things, like drinking on the street or firing explosives at each other. let me show you what i mean. here are people in the old town square, shooting fireworks directly up at people waving from the top of the clock tower. and you will note they're launching these professional-grade fireworks at face level. speaking of faces, you can see, i was very concerned. (laughter) (cheers and applause) yeah! great way to spend new year's eve because you're just happy to be alive when it's over! (laughter) so, it's officially 2016, which means two things: a new year is upon us, and i'm finally going to buy a 2015 calendar. they're dirt cheap now.
and it's not like the firemen get less sexy a year later. and like you, i have new year's resolutions. and to make sure i stick to them, i'm going to say them publicly, and they're sponsored by subaru. here we go: this year i'm going to lose ten pounds -- or buy a scale that is off by ten pounds. (cheers and applause) this year, i'm also going to travel more. it expands your horizons and makes it harder for the irs to find you. (laughter) this year, i'm resolving to spend less time looking at my iphone. that's time i could spending with my ipad. (cheers and applause) i resolve to not eat dinner in front of the television. this year, i'll eat dinner only in front of live theater.
this year, i resolve to not segue between things i'm talking about. speaking of which, we've got a great show tonight. (applause) first, i'll be talking with the great samuel l. jackson. (cheers and applause) coolest guy in the room! he's in the new movie "the hateful eight." we'll talk about that, and i'll ask him when that "capital one" movie is coming out. they've been running the trailers forever. i can't wait to find out what's in my wallet! i hope it's snakes. (laughter) then i'll talk to the winner of the google science fair, 17-year old olivia hallisey.
ebola test and won a $50,000 college scholarship. so her first semester's textbooks are totally covered. (laughter) (cheers and applause) hey! that's a happy sound! say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody! (cheers and applause) i missed you guys! nice to see you again! >> likewise. >> stephen: they're about to ring in 2016. but before they count down to happy town, one more thing: at a recent campaign stop, hillary clinton vowed, if elected, she will investigate u.f.o.s and alien abductions. in response, donald trump vowed to deport the aliens back to space mexico.
>> tonight, samuel l. jackson! kitchen founder lisa gross, and google science fair winner olivia hallisey! (cheers and applause) featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks so much. welcome back to television,
it's great to be seen again. we always like taking time off, getting our energy back up. i always feel a little disconnected from the news after the holidays. i didn't check on the presidential race once. but while we were sleeping, and visions of sugar-trumps danced in our heads, candidate jeb bush snuck down our chimneys and left a present by finally releasing his famously secret guacamole recipe. turns out, the secret ingredient? avocados. (laughter) gotta try that! and that's the kind of dynamism you'd expect from a politician who's been campaigning under the moniker "jeb!" that exclamation point really gets your attention, away from what his last name is. (cheers and applause) jeb! jeb what? no idea.
very first show, jeb explained the exclamation point's real purpose. >> it connotes excitement. >> stephen: yes. well, i think he was being modest. that exclamation point doesn't just "connote" excitement, it "suggests it!" (laughter) (cheers and applause) but, sadly, jeb's exclamation point is going away, comma, period. >> before jeb bush announced he was going to run for president, he, through a secret shell company, trademarked the term "jeb!" exlcamation point. in november, he let the trademark application lapse. so you, or anyone else, can go for jeb! exclamation point. this is exciting. or should i say, this is "jeb!" and, this is -- and i mean this sincerely -- the most
come out of jeb's campaign. because now his logo has a chance to break out of the excitement rut and explore other forms of punctuation-based emotions. there are so many other great options. for instance, maybe a question mark "jeb?... would that be good?" or "jeb comma" -- it makes jeb seem like he's just the first in a big list of awesome stuff. like jeb, ice cream, sports cars, dragons... who knows what else? maybe you'd like one of those things to be president. or maybe even the semicolon. it's perfect for jeb because you know it's smart, but you're not sure what it does or where it belongs. (cheers and applause)
whole thing with symbols. something tells me that when he looks at how well donald trump is doing, that's what jeb yells. or, you know, maybe just "jeb, asterisk." it would create curiosity -- then people could check the footnotes and see that, yep, he's still running for president. we'll be right back with samuel
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my first guest tonight has played everything from a spy to a jedi. he now plays a civil war soldier turned bounty hunter in "the hateful eight". >> you never wait to watch 'em hang? >> my bounties never hang because i never bring them in alive. >> never? ever. we talked about this in chattanooga.
way to get yourself dead. >> you catch me sleeping if i close my eyes. >> i don't want to work that hard. >> nobody said it's supposed to be easy. >> nobody said it's supposed to be hard either. that little lady is why they call him the hangman. when the hand bill says dead or alive, the rest of us shoot him on a perch and bring him in dead on a saddle but when john roof the hang man catches you, there ain't no bullet in the back. when the hang man catches you, you hang. >> stephen: please welcome samuel l. jackson.
not everybody has the style to take a moment to thank the audience like that. you know how to relate to a crowd. >> i know why i'm here. because of them. >> stephen: you're exactly right. >> it's all about the audience. yeah. >> stephen: happy new year. thank you. happy new year to you, too. >> stephen: was it good for you. >> been great so far. >> stephen: the did you watch "star wars" new year's. >> no, i chilled. i watched netflix. i needed the sleep apparently. >> stephen: you were in "the hateful eight." >> yes. >> stephen: you have been acting since you were a kid? your aunt was a drama teacher? >> she was a third grade teacher who happened to be a performing arts major, so when they had packagents and plays, she was
never had enough boys, and i lived in the house with her, so whatever she did -- >> stephen: you were always dragged into whatever it was. do you remember what your first performance was? >> first performance was, i was a sugar plum fairy in the nutcracker. (cheers and applause) after that, i remember being in an egg suit playing humpty dumpty. >> stephen: that's a challenging role. all the kings horse all the kings men couldn't put him together again, that's a big back story. >> i remember falling off the walls. then i remember being in briefs with a head dress doing an elaborate indian dance -- sorry -- >> stephen: native american dance. >> native american dance. >> stephen: i saw something
preparing for the hate hates a long time. this is you getting into character. days! (cheers and applause) notice i am packing heat. >> stephen: they'll never mess with sam jackson. 1953. (laughter) >> stephen: now, we've talked before. show. >> sure. >> stephen: last time we spoke, you implied you and i might be related. >> i remember that, yeah. roots. >> stephen: exactly. i never thought there is any way we could be related until i saw >> right, right. >> stephen: okay? (laughter) now what? >> stephen: this is my school picture. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: exactly.
your same hair do and a glass plate pushed against the side of my head. >> like a mod squad picture. >> stephen: a little bit. i read recently the gerry curl wig is supposed to be an afro wig. >> in quintin's mind, june had a big afro and he sent a young white p.a. over to south central toto buy an afro wig and she bought a jerry curl wig thinking it was an afro because she was young and didn't know what it was. quintin railed at her and i
n.b.a. was starting to hit and they all that jerry curl. >> did you have one? no, an afro. >> stephen: someone who wanted to be stylish in a way might. >> i did. and that was the style of that part of town, south central, at the time. so it was all about the wet look and a little drippy around the edges and, you know, that whole thing. i never had a jerry curl. >> stephen: me either. (laughter) though, i'm pretty sure i could have pulled it off. >> you could have pulled it off, yes. easy. >> stephen: the thing about sam jackson is he can make anything his own. i have a series of catch phrases that are pre-samuel l. jackson, and i believe if you perform these in your own inevitable way, they will be yours forever regardless of how they originated.
so this one. between this one and this one. catch phrases that will l from honored out belong to you. >> first. frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn! (cheers and applause) "hello, my name is inigo montoya. you killed my father. prepare to die." (applause) "lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" (applause) "mrs. robinson, you're trying to seduce me." (applause) >> stephen: i think you're
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>> i got to be -- >> stephen: so now you're in "the hateful eight." six movies with quintin tarantino. >> yes. >> stephen: what is it you like working with him? >> what's not to like? the guy's amazing. he always writes these intelligent, strong, diverse characters for me to play. i'm always in a room with a lot of people that are cool to work with, you know, from de niro to all these guys i'm in the room with now and it's a wonderful ensemble pieces, almost like a play because we're, like, trapped in this room and the eight of us in there with all these great things to say and say to each other, about each other, you find out so much about these characters and, in the end, you get to do what boys always like to do, you know, shoot each other (laughter) >> stephen: no c.g.i. in this film.
>> stephen: it gets rough. boys will be boys, let's just say that, and so will girls in this one. >> yes. >> stephen: you know, this really happens, not really shooting each other. >> it feels like it, though. >> stephen: okay. and quintin uses these huge blood packs with the explosive stuff in it. so, spoiler alert! when i shoot a certain character in the film, the first person i shoot in the film the first time we did it, there was a blood that flew out of his back about six feet away. i was about as far from here to the piano player when i shot him, bloodshot across the room, onto the camera behind me and my shirts and shoes. it was awesome! (applause)
explosive blood packs on you? >> yes, sir, i had six. i had six, and at one point, a sensitive part of my body was not properly tucked in and i -- >> stephen: you didn't use enough duct tape. >> -- and i really, really felt it. (laughter) >> stephen: before you go, would you do one more thing for me? you owe me nothing, but i thought everybody wanted you to do their outguying voice message on their voicemail. do you think you could do that for me? if you could do this the full jamelle bouie treatment. i'll give the beep and you can get started. beep! >> hi, you know who you called. leave a message. maybe he'll call you back. then again, maybe they won't! that's how life is.
can! have a nice day! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: samuel l. jackson, "the hateful eight" in theaters now! (cheers and applause) connecting one amazing super bowl moment to the next. and for this super bowl, we're charging our game forward for all fans. introducing the limited edition bud light super bowl 50 bottle. boom. told ya. hey know it alls, you're welcome.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. i don't know if you've noticed this, but one of the biggest campaign issues this year is immigration, and it's understandable that some voters are nervous. there have been times when a new group comes to america, and ruins things for the people who are already here. (laughter) but we are all descended from immigrants, so we should be able to find some common ground, that we don't immediately build a wall around. and that's the goal of an organization called league of kitchens. they help bridge cultures by offering culinary workshops with immigrants from all over the and i love the idea of being exposed to immigrant cuisine, because, for my whole life, i've only eaten american food like taco bell and panda express. (laughter)
the league of kitchens, please welcome the founder lisa gross. lisa, thanks so much for coming! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i found out about league of kitchens from our mutual friend david plot. >> yeah. >> stephen: and he said going to cook with the immigrants is the most fun he's ever had in new york and kind of one of the most new york things you can do because there are more people from different backgrounds and cultures speaking different languages in new york than any other place in the world. >> that's true. >> stephen: what motivated you to create league of kitchens? >> my experience, my mom is korean and my grandmother lived with us and cooked all this amazing korean food. >> stephen: did you cook with her? >> no, she would shoo me out of the kitchen and sent me to study because she thought studying was
value her cooking skills. when i wanted to cook korean food later, i had to whrern it from the internet and courses, and nothing tasted like my grandmother. >> stephen: because she had a secret sauce. >> yes, because you have to learn those things from a grandma and can't learn it from a cookbook. i thought, i wish there was with. i thought wouldn't it be amazing to find grormts all over cook. >> stephen: what would an average day be? hours. they start with a home made lunch, three and a half hours of meal at the end. >> stephen: start with a meal, end with a meal. very american of them. (laughter) well, i did this with a wonderful woman named yamini
>> stephen: who is an indian-american immigrant, citizen now. >> yes. >> stephen: and we filmed it, and let's take a look: to find out about the league of kitchens i traveled to the gardens to find yamini joshi. we had a meal. thank you for having me into your home for a traditional indian meal. this is fantastic. i'm honored. >> i'm honored, too. >> stephen: what do i need to know about a indian food? all i know is it's spicey and you're not allowed to eat cow. is that true, you still can't eat cow? >> yeah. because cow is a mother so we cannot kill our mother and eat it, right? >> stephen: no, that's frowned on even over here. >> yes. >> stephen: so my doctor says i have a medical condition where i find meat delicious. what's the closest to meat i'll be eating today?
anything is meat. >> stephen: no beef? no beef. >> stephen: no pork, chicken, shrimp. >> no. >> stephen: no lobster. no lobster. >> stephen: no slim jim? no. >> stephen: do you know what slim jims are? >> what's a slim jim. >> stephen: no one knows. they claim it to be meat. >> no. >> stephen: or it could be oil and hair stuffed in a tube but they're so good. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: do they deep-fat fry things in india? because in america we'll deep fry anything. >> this is deep fried. >> stephen: this is. yeah. the deep fried is maybe more delicious. >> stephen: all food deep frayed --deep fried is the best. yeah, that is how rebridge cultures. right? bread it and deep fat fry it. everyone can agree on that.
making me hungry. i couldn't wait to cook with yamini joshi. i had to learn the spices. tumeric -- are all them named for game characters? >> yes. >> stephen: i heard something called gee. >> yes, gee is our main ingreat of indian cooking, it is a purified butter. >> stephen: this is our first ingredient. it is one pound of butter. >> yes. >> stephen: have you ever met paula deen, the chef? this is her first ingredient in everything, too. >> oh, the fat lady, paula deen. (laughter) yeah, i saw her. >> stephen: she is so sorry. she is so sorry. okay. gee is different than butter, right? because my doctor said if i eat any more butter, i could die. but gee is fine, right?
>> stephen: it isn't butter, it's just made entirely of butter. >> yes. >> stephen: okay, good. what are the pliers for? is it customary to eat indian foot after you've pulled your teeth out? >> you need them to handle it. >> stephen: this is ingenious. i see you have a lot of refrigerator magnets. >> yes. >> stephen: this is from cabo san lucas, where in india is that? >> in mexico, i think. >> stephen: did you see sammy hagar? >> no (stephen singing) do you sing? >> i do. >> stephen: at what point are we supposed to break out into the dance or is that just the movies? it's a happy occasion. >> happy.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. when we left, i was cooking. with yamini joshi, thanks to the league of kitchens. if yamini believes in one thing, it's sharing her culture. if she believes in two things, it's cooking way more food than anyone could possibly eat. so let's go back to the kitchen! in my next lesson it was time to chop the chauli or at least find out what it is. >> in english -- >> stephen: are you a friend of benihana? >> you like this? >> stephen: hey, look at that!
>> stephen: you don't do that? no. >> no more fun. >> stephen: i'm sorry. i wouldn't want to have fun with you. i take the tips off? >> yeah, put them here. >> stephen: in jewish culture, we do this. >> you have to learn how to break the coconut. >> stephen: break the coconut. put those here. hit it. hit. hit. hit. i can do it? >> stephen: i can do it! hit. >> stephen: i'm getting it. ready?
i softened it up for you! (cheers and applause) you're right. i'll do it. here comes the bad guys! the indians are coming! you guys. you guys are the good guys, and so are they. that's all in the past now. oh, this is a shoe shine box. what is this? super sharp or i just cut my hand? that looks like a handle but
it's not. it's a really sharp piece of metal. that's fascinating. i learned about indian cooking, many things do not come with handles. that's blazing hot. what would be great is a handle there or there.
colbert could leave his fingers at any moment. this is green chali? >> yes. >> stephen: if
you cook it too long will it be chali brown? >> no. (laughter) >> and then we have to make roti. >> stephen: what is that? like a bread. >> stephen: looks like a pita. here we go. oh, yeah! sorry. >> put it on top. this way. >> stephen: this way? orry. >> stephen: the fire will kill anything that was on the floor. the fire is a great sterilizer. that's one of the things i learned. >> that's true. >> stephen: i ruined it. another blunder by stephen colbert. wow. wow! looks like a whoopi cushion.
indian food is fun. it had been minutes since i had a full meal, so it was time to eat again. holy chanti, is that good. (laughter) yamini joshi, thank you for invite meg and teaching me there is no cultural difference that can't be bridged by a giant stick of butter. >> right. >> stephen: i don't know what i did when i was younger to let me have the karma to let me eat here with you now. >> this is your karma bumi. karma means you have to work for the things, and the city or the place which brought you where you're living, and you're doing something for your karma bumi. >> stephen: is that what we're doing now. >> yes.
be my karma bumi, too. to conclude our meal. i introduced yamini to an american dessert. this is called ready whip. >> yes, i saw that dropped on a strawberry. oh, any goodness. i think my son-in-law does this sometimes. no. okay. i'll do it. (cheers and applause) oh, my goodness. do you eat the whole bottle? >> stephen: do i what? the whole container, you can finish it? >> stephen: yes. does it make you happy?
very good! >> stephen: that's delicious. good. >> stephen: yamini, thank you so much for having me into your home and teaching me all about indian food. i've learned so much about your culture and now i would like to teach you something about american culture, and that is taking a nap after a large meal. >> okay. >> stephen: give me one second. ahhh! (applause) >> we'll be right back! >> stephen: yamini joshi, everybody!
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>> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is the winner of the 2015 google science fair. please welcome olivia hallisey! olivia, thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: congratulations on winning the google science fair. the trophy is back here. that is the trophy they gave you. that is awesome. >> yeah. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: how does uh google hold a science fair? how is it different than a normal one. >> google science fair is different because it's basically all online submissions until the top twenty. the top twenty they flew to google headquarters in california. in the beginning you made your own web site, posted video, there was over 100 countries. there was a team from bosnia, taiwan, so it was an international fair and accessible to anybody who has a
it and show other them their work. >> stephen: how old of a person are you? >> 17. >> stephen: congratulations! thank you. >> stephen: congratulations! (cheers and applause) now, this is an example of your project. what was your project and what does it do? >> so, my project is basically, i like to call it a pregnancy test for ebola. >> stephen: i'm sorry, a what? a pregnancy test for ebola. >> stephen: why do we need this? i didn't realize that's -- >> i call it that because it's a visual process. >> stephen: a stick you pee on? >> yeah, all based on color change, and all you need is a sample from the possibly infected person. >> stephen: this is an example of what it might like like? >> yes. >> stephen: how is it used? put the sample here and put water on each of these load spots and that release as
affected the center will turn blue. >> stephen: why do we need this? >> because current tests are expensive and complicated and require refrigeration and this test use as silk fiber solution which is just the proteins from silk cocoons. >> stephen: i know what that is. i'm much older than 17. (laughter) this has a blue spot. what is this? >> this is what a positive result would look like. >> stephen: am i holding ebola? >> no. (laughter) >> stephen: i didn't know if it got past security. all right. so why did this occur to you? why not go with the baking soda volcano? why did you -- you're a 17-year-old living in connecticut. why did you think ebola? >> i didn't know what i wanted to do.
science and wanted to do something that would have an impact on people's lives, but i didn't know what direction i wanted to take, so i started looking at the news and my science teacher said look for something that inspires you. and last fall was when ebola was really big in the news. purelle. (laughter) >> so i began looking at how could we limit the spread of ebola because i saw how quickly it was spreading. >> stephen: well, it's a very ambitious thing to make your science project to come up with a quick and easy test for ebola. how -- did it affect your life in any ways? did you say, guys, i'd love to go to a leggo movie with you but i have to fight a global pandemic first? (laughter) was it hard? did it require a great deal of work to make? >> yeah, there was definitely a lot of time put into it and a lot of help from a lot of people. i had two mentors at tufts university.
i had to contact different companies to get the chemicals i needed. so it was a lot of work but it was worth it. >> stephen: i don't know whether to be inspired or intimidated by you. (laughter) what year in high school are you? >> a junior. >> stephen: so you've got to be thinking about colleges. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you going to put this on your application? >> i think so. (laughter) >> stephen: here's a hint -- don't put it first, okay? be, like -- are you on, like, a team? >> i swim. >> stephen: go swim team therntion global pandemic. (laughter) congratulations. >> thank you so much.