tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 22, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MDT
a moose wanders into the metro area. the sighting caught people off-guard in this arvada neighborhood. our crew was there as wildlife officers tranquilized the moose and move today back out to pike national forest. >> the leaves are changing this time of year. ton was pictures. here's a leaf that cannot make up its mind! half gold, half green. [ laughter ] >> kind of like me,ti hanging onto summer. [ laughter ] captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: anthony anderson , man, thanks so much for being back here. >> always a pleasure being here. >> stephen: i had so much fun with you last time, i thought it would be fun if you and i did a
>> really? >> stephen: oh yeah, it would be perfect. i'd play the straight-laced guy who's two days from retirement, and you'd be the younger guy who's a loose cannon. >> why am i the loose cannon? >> stephen: because, i'll play the reasonable by-the-book kind of cop, and you're unhinged. >> so, i'm the crazy cop? >> stephen: yes! totally deranged! >> so again, why am i the crazy cop? >> stephen: it's obvious, i'm like the normal guy who has put his time in, and you're, you know, a complete nut-job. >> what do you mean, it's obvious!? good >> what!? i don't know what the hell you're talking about! >> stephen: perfect! you're the kind of cop who can fly off the handle at any second! you're mentally deranged! >> i'm going to punch you in your face! >> stephen: that's good! >> thanks. >> stephen: perfect. i think we got it. >> got it? speaking of that, did i get it? >> stephen: what? the part. >> stephen: oh, yeah, yeah, you're in. thank you very much. >> okay. hey, have your people call my people. >> stephen: what do you mean "your people"?
black guys a job. >> stephen: oh, i'll have them give you a call. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight stephen welcomes anthony anderson, mark consuelos and the kills and jon batiste and "stay human." now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey chris! hey paul! hey mark! what's going on? ( cheers and applause )
good to see you, jon. >> jon: good to see you. >> stephen: hey! welcome to "the late show." i'm so glad you're here. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i'm so glad you're here in the studio. you're here in the audience watching from home. it's great to be with people you like and with friends. the news for the last 24 hours has been pretty bad. angry people in the streets, some of them in riot gear. and the governor of north carolina has declared a state of emergency in charlotte. the shooting of african americans by police officers and the community outrage that follows seems to keep happening over and over again no matter how many times we do nothing. at times like these, it's hard to know what to say. but it's easy to know what not to say. unless you're "u.s.a. today" columnist and psychic you hired
last night, he tweeted a picture of protestors in traffic with the caption, "run them down. ( audience reacts ) wow! that is such a terrible tweet that it made "u.s.a. today's" worst tweet infographic. ( laughter ) now, these protests turned violent last night, and i just wish there was some sort of respectful, silent, civil protest that people could engage in that wouldn't enrage the other side. yeah. nope. that's not gonna work either. in fact, since colin kaepernick started the trend of taking a knee during the national anthem, he's become the most disliked player in the n.f.l. a second-string quarterback hasn't been this hated since, steve "hurtlin' hitler" rhineheart. pretty good player, though. >> jon: could run the blitz. >> stephen: i understand why
watch football as an escape from the harsh realities of life, unless you're a cleveland browns fan. well, in the face of continued heartbreaking racial strife, all eyes turn to civil rights icon, the reverend doctor donald trump. ( laughter ) yesterday, reverend trump reached out to the black community at two events in ohio. both were at black churches. well, one of them was technically a black church filled with white people. people replacing black people since... brooklyn? and last night in a town hall, -- lovely community. last night, in a town hall, trump offered a solution to black on black violence. >> there is been a lot of violence in the black community. what would you do to stop black
is stop and frisk. i think you have to >> stephen: that's a bad idea. not only has it been found unconstitutional, if trump's doing the frisking, it'll take him hours with those tiny hands. ( cheers and applause ) there's been a lot of racial unrest recently, and you'd have to be an idiot to think you could pinpoint a single cause for all of it. and luckily, one trump campaign chair in ohio is just that idiot. >> if you're black and you haven't been successful in the last 50 years, it's your own fault. >> i don't think there was any racism until obama got elected. we never had problems like this. >> stephen: that's right, there was no racism until barack obama was elected! martin luther king didn't just have a dream, the whole thing was just an hallucination.
by the way, look at the interviewer's reaction to what she's saying. yeah. that has to be the world's worst "that's really racist" poker face. ( laughter ) miller thinks she knows the root of the black community's problems. >> we have three generations all still having unwed babies. >> stephen: shameful-- ued babies! babies who aren't married! ( laughter ) you should always marry your baby to another baby on the day it's born. that way, they always remember their anniversary because it's the same as their birthday! come on! ( cheers and applause ) now, say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ?
? happy birthday ? ? oh happy birthday ? >> stephen: we have a great show for you guys tonight. and you people watching now,me please join us for tomorrow night's show because my guest will be the one, the only mr. bruce springsteen. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: legally i could not continue with the show till you yelled "bruce." thank you very much. folks, it is officially fall, when the leaves change color, my diet is 95% pumpkin spice, and the world series is just around the corner. we're coming up on the start of the 2016 m.l.b. playoffs, the world series of not quite being the world series. and since i'm from south carolina, i'm rooting for my home team: the chicago cubs
now, if you've followed baseball for the last 108 years, you know that the cubs have long struggled to make it to the post season. in fact, when i lived there they were like that awkward dork you knew back in high school, because it's a miracle if either of them gets to first base. but now the cubbies have the best record in baseball. and it's not just the talent on the field that's responsible for their success. a the stands: the ticket takers, the ushers, and the vendors. and last weekend, i was invited to come to chicago to give one of these brave weenie slingers the day off. jim, let's play ball. ? i headed to wrigley field home of chicago cubs where i met
>> it has the sterno to keep the hot dogs hot. >> stephen: flames in there. yeah, there's a sterno in front of it. >> stephen: like this? right, right, and hook it up. >> stephen: like i'm hooking on a machine gun, basically. >> right. >> stephen: i'm going to fire the hot dog straight into their mouths. >> if you can do it. not your back. use your legs. okay, use your legs. in here, 1500? >> there is 15. >> stephen: these are heavy. this box is warm and it is resting right up against, shall we say, my vienna beef. ( laughter ) how many hours have i had this on? about 90 seconds. ow often will i be able to take a break to get arthroscopic
? ? ? >> stephen: now i was ready to press the flesh and move some meat. hot dogs! ? everybody's a weiner! c'mon, steup who wants a hot dog? get your hot dogs while you can. life is short. who wants a hot dog? come on, just cstch it. oh! that's $6.50! okay. you got it? >> get ready! >> stephen: hey! you guys want some meat in your mouth? come on! hot dog. all i have is hot dogs. literally, that's all i have in
i've driven away everyone who loved me. ice cold hot dogs! >> the contest? >> stephen: give me $6.50, i'll give you a hot dog. >> ain't hot dog. >> stephen: take this dog down to intestine town. it's what it's made of! >> hey! >> stephen: what do you mean? you guys are cute. you guys party? >> a little bit. >> stephen: a little bit. what are you doing after the game? >> hanging out with you. >> stephen: i got my cousin's panel van parked on lakeshore drive. want to come with me? >> yeah. >> stephen: great, maybe we'll make a donny sandwich. go>> hot dog, prewrapped. >> stephen: there you go, man. chicago owes you a lot. sthats $6.50. take a little bit of the dog, between your cheek and gum. ? ?
? >> stephen: i'm sorry. would you hold that for a second? thank you very much. that's $6.50. can't take it back. you touched it. two for $15. thanks very much. ( laughter ) thanks, man. thanks very much. perfect. want some whipped cream on that? ( laughter ) there you go. all right. all right. let's go, cubbies! how are ya? everybody wants to hug and kiss the hot dog guy, all right? we're having a party. want to come? >> yes. >> stephen: i'll bring the beef, you bring the buns.
who needs a hot dog? ? ? >> stephen: that is nice. i could paint a fence with that. ? ? >> stephen: get your hot dogs right here! hot dogs! get your hot dogs right here! >> you've done a great job but you're done man is that don't take me out. i'm not tired. i can do this. >> i know, but you've done a great job. appreciate it. thanks, brother. thank you. >> stephen: go cubbies!
i want to send a big thank you to wrigley field and the chicago cubs-- check them out in the playoffs! fingers crossed-- it could be their first world series in over a hundred years. or, roughly, the shelf life of one hot dog. we'll be right back with anthony anderson. ( cheers and applause ) (foot steps) ? (crickets chirping) ? (jet engine) ? (heart beat) ? (water splashing) (rain drops) (engine revving) (tires on wet road) ?
? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! welcome back to "the late show" already in progress. my first guest tonight stars in one of the "black-ish" shows on television. please welcome anthony anderson! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? >> appreciate that, big man! appreciate you getting up for me! thank you very much, sir! >> stephen: of course i'm
don't want to give it up for husky brothers. husky to husky, i appreciate you! love you! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, they're a thursday night audience. >> hey, hey, thursday night audiences are the crazy audiences! you have been here all day! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, you were nominated for an emmy this past weekend. >> do we have to bring that up? >> stephen: well, we don't have to. i just wanted to talk about it. mom, your daughter, that was fun. >> yes, it was. >> stephen: i assume you did not win. >> everybody can't be a winner like you, stephen. >> stephen: i wasn't even nominated, my brother. >> hey, hey, brother, how many peabodys you got? (whispers) >> stephen: four. yeah. >> stephen: the emmys, when you don't win, why do you do
the ceremony. it's ridiculous. it's like, we need to get together. >> i believe the hype. i always think i'm going to win. >> stephen: you get in a tuxedo. >> i got into a tux to give a speech that night. >> stephen: did you get a taste of anything? >> nope. i can tell you how upset my mother was. my mother cussed on camera. >> stephen: like, she was sitting next to you? >> no, after the emmys, we left and went to the hbo party, right? and i was being interviewed by bun of the news outlets and they were asking me how the evening went and how did i feel? they were, like, anthony, we thought you were going to win, too. and my momma jumped in said, i did, too. i thought he was going to win, too. me and amy schumer were sitting there talking about why my baby didn't win. we were at the hbo party and she said, that (bleep) ain't even
you can't say that! we're about to go in and drink free alcohol on veep! you can't say that! that's a great show! >> stephen: she was hanging out with amy shiewmer? >> yes, they started a womance. >> stephen: does she have a lower back tattoo now? because -- ( laughter ) -- amy's fun, but amy's trouble. >> yes, she is, but so is my momma. >> stephen: really? o amy should watch out. >> stephen: you got in a little bit of trouble or rather people tagged on you a little bit because when my friend john ol'ler was going up to get his emmy for winning for this week, okay, we have a little clip here. they can see you in the background in the front row and there you are, you texting in the front row. >> yeah. >> stephen: during the ceremony. >> yeah. >> stephen: what was more interesting than the ceremony
>> well, at that point, i had lost -- ( laughter ) -- or i should say i did not win. >> stephen: sure. and i was responding to a text message from samuel l. jackson. >> stephen: i am familiar. that said, (bleep) look interested in something you're not interested in. ( applause ) and my response to him was, i guess i better work on my poker face! >> stephen: he and your mom ought to get together. >> yeah. >> stephen: let's talk about "black-ish" for a second. congratulations on the second nomination anyway. >> thank you ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you're real proud of it. >> i am, i am. >> stephen: last time you were here, you said because of my fantastic band, i had a contact black and that i had a shot at blackishness. >> yes. >> stephen: but i had tracy
>> yeah. >> stephen: what happened? i getless black? >> i don't know. tracy is a hybrid. you know, she's mixed. >> stephen: i've got to write this down. >> yeah. tracy is a hybrid. she's mixed. so i don't know what side you were talking to. i don't know if you were talking to the diana ross side or the stein side. >> stephen: okay. o, you know. >> stephen: perhaps you should hold up a little card ( laughter ) season three which was yesterday premiered last night. takes place in disneyland. >> world. >> stephen: my poll jiz. orlando, not in california. >> stephen: you are take you can family on a very special trip. >> very special trip for very special people, vip. >> stephen: so you can get a special pass. >> not just a pass. i bought a white man to take us
that's part of the magic kingdom! when they say, have a magical day, i was like, i guess so! i just bought a white man! ( cheers and applause ) and he took me and my black family around the most happiest place on earth! >> stephen: i mean, you're like a famous man, make a lot of money. are you able to provide v.i.p. situations for your children you >> that's what "black-ish" is all about, first generation suction, giving your children a better upbringing than what you had. that's the american dream. >> stephen: what are the things they take for granted now? >> take for granted, well, i didn't get my first car till 25. both of my children got their first brand-new vehicles. i got a used vehicle that got repossessed two months after i bought it at 25. both of my children got
>> stephen: i wouldn't mind being one of your children. >> oh, i can adopt you. >> stephen: really? i can. >> stephen: i'll take you around disney world. ( laughter ) stick around a little bit more? we'll be back with more anthony anderson. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? the bud light party yeah! women bar crowd: woo! people of all genders! we don't care we'll sell you beer. we'll sell you a beer any day of the week. steel mill workers: yeah! ? it's peyton on sunday mornings you like football? it's directv nfl sunday ticket. i can watch every sunday ticket game live on any device. well i'm retired now. so i just sit here watch nothing.
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? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! we're here with our friend anthony anderson. anthony. >> yes. >> stephen: we have a clip here of a family reunion, i think. i'm not entirely sure what this is. this is you? what are you doing here? >> all right, you see the commercial with those things that you can go to the park, this is ghetto version of it. this is like plastic my family found. ( laughter )
slamming himself against you at top speed? >> one of my cousins. >> stephen: is he okay? because he looks like he's knocked out cold. >> he's all right. my brother got me good. when you do that, you have to have a sturdy base. >> stephen: what's that called? >> ghetto games. ghetto gladiator, i think that's what it's called. >> stephen: okay. but, you know, it was crazy, my cousins put together a softball game. it wasn't really a family reunion but it felt like one. it was my uncle's birthday and my birthday the upcoming week. they got together, charged $25 for everybody to come together. it was about 80 of us there. >> stephen: some long green. yeah, some long green. they only had food for 12 people. so let's round it up. 100 people paid $25 each. that's $2,500.
salad, burnt baked beans and burnt hot dogs and hamburgers for 12. now, they had bread for 34 people. the bread was stacked up high but only enough meat for 12. i think my family, quanda, if you're watching, my cousin who put it together, i think she did this as a rent party and disguised it as a family reunion birthday party. >> stephen: that's resourceful. >> because the birthday cake $8 and i knew it was because it said $7.99 on the piece of plastic that covered the cake. ( laughter ) >> stephen: uh, well... you sure you want me to adopt you now? >> stephen: i was just thinking -- you know, i was looking at that -- you guys bumping up against each other in those inflatable lawn chairs. i read someplace that you have gotten your ass kicked by the best. >> yeah. >> stephen: what do you mean by that?
around is my momma. west side of chicago, she gets down with it. but jet lee and stephen segal, now, they kick ass differently. jet lee kicks your ass quick. stephen segal is a little older in age when we were working together. he can still kick ass but he's so old now he's got a thumb move. he gets your thumbs, that's it, you're done with. but if you hide your thumbs, he can't do nothing to you! >> stephen: put your hands in your pocket and kick at him. >> he can't grab nothing! >> stephen: speaking of kicking ass, i understand that you also challenged another great icon, not to a fight but to a contest, and i want to make sure i have this right, because i'm going to give you an opportunity to dispel a rumor here. >> okay. >> stephen: did you challenge stevie wonder to a basketball game?
know -- >> stephen: you were going to dunk on stevie? >> what you don't know, stevie can see. it's just an act. >> stephen: he can see? tevie can see. stevie flew me to bag '01 time for a jazz festival that he was producing, and i'm on stage with chris tucker and johnny gill. stevie walks on stage, looks me dead in my eye and says, anthony, get me to a piano. i said, hell, stevie, if you can walk to me, you can walk to the piano. he called himself, had the play it off. but i took him to piano and he played. i challenged him to a one on one basketball game he did for charity for his son. he said, anthony, i don't want to embarrass you one on one so let's do it free-throws. he won. >> stephen: he won? honest, he won.
con. >> i'm telling you, have him on the show, put stuff if his way, i bet you he'll step over it. ( laughter ) stevie! stevie! come here! stevie, don't do this! stevie gonna be... ( laughter ) he gonna do that! i'm telling ya what stevie gonna do! >> stephen: please, steve j, please join us. "black-ish" airs wednesdays on abc. anthony anderson, everybody. we'll be right back!
yea, just text me. you're gonna get a text. [crowd cheering] this must be how lucas felt when he got katie's number. ? pepsi. with my moderate to severe ulcerative colitis, the possibility of a flare was almost always on my mind. thinking about what to avoid, where to go... and how to deal with my uc. to me, that was normal. until i talked to my doctor.
and keep it under control when certain medications haven't worked well enough. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. raise your expectations. ask your gastroenterologist about humira. with humira, control is possible. i'll call you back. is this my car? state farm knows that for every one of those moments... what? this is ridiculous! there's one of these... sam, i gotta go... is this my car? what? this is ridiculous! this can't be happening! this can't be happening! oh, it's happening sweetheart. oh, it's happening sweetheart. shut up!
welcome back to the show! according to his twitter bio, my next guest is a hamburglar, a cyclist, a lyrical genius, and tan. his new series, "pitch," premieres on fox this week. >> we can't send her down. you've got to be kidding me. you laying down on this just to sell a few extra ticket? >> it's more than a few extra tickets, al, and you know that. but that's not what this is about and you know that, too. it's one thing to be the team that called up the first woman. it's another t and turned this whole thing into a disaster. >> ask her! it's my ball club. >> no, al, it's mine and i know this because i bought it and i kept the $700 million receipt! >> stephen: please welcome mark consuelos! ( cheers and applause )
>> nice to see you again. >> stephen: thank you very much, nice to see you, too. you handsome bastard. you look so damn fresh, when i know for a fact that you co-hosted with your wife kelly ripa this morning on "live with kelly." >> we did. >> stephen: i got this sent over to us. there is you with gellman right there with the undereye -- >> beauty is very hard, man. >> stephen: it is. let me ask you, because you guys together. >> yes. >> stephen: when you're not on camera, are you that chipper and friendly with each other? >> comatose. >> stephen: that's not a spanish word, right? you're actually out? >> no, that's who we are. >> stephen: really? we're small people, we bounce around a lot. >> stephen: you have three children. are you children small? >> i have a 19-year-old, a 15-year-old and a 13-year-old. >> stephen: and you actually
>> i was shooting los angeles and my oldest came to me. my daughter loves los angeles and could live there tomorrow. >> stephen: which one is she. the middle, 15. and my 19-year-old thinks it's evil there. he's very afraid of los angeles. i said, michael, you live in new york city, one of the hardest cities in the world. you're scared of los angeles? he says, yes! we were working on the boardwalk on venice beach and he sees these guys and he says, dad, they look like gang members. i said, yeah, 12:00 in the afternoon, a lady with her stroller, we're fine. so we laughed and we're rolling out of the neighborhood. we put on latin music and he said, dad! don't play the latin music! i was, like, wait a minute, dude, i'm latin, i can play whatever i want. >> stephen: what, did he think it was a bird call or something? ( laughter )
i said just follow my lead, you will be fine. >> stephen: does he know he's latin, too? >> he absolutely doesn't. ( laughter ) i have been out in l.a. for, gosh, nine, ten weeks and most of it's been by myself. >> stephen: so back to the bachelor lifestyle? >> men of a certain age should not be left alone, be pushed back out into the wild, so to speak. >> stephen: how long have you been married? >> 20 years. >> stephen: you're completely conditioned to having somebody >> first thing, i had this cool convertible that i had shipped out there. i thought it would be a great idea for me to drive a convertible in los angeles. i pull out on sunset, put the top down. i look around and it's about 4,000 45-year-old guys in convertibles. and we all looked at each other and i am a cliche. i pushed the button and i have been driving it with the top up. >> stephen: the best thing
the top up. it's quiet, keeps the rain out, it's fantastic. >> it's ridiculous. i have been living alone. there is a kitchen and it might as well be like a rocket launcher. i have no idea how to use it. >> stephen: did you use it? peanut butter and jelly and egg whites. >> stephen: on a sandwich? ometimes. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) >> this house, living in new york, you don't have a keys, you have a doorman or a swipe thing. >> stephen: sure, if you live in a nice place, mark consuelos. is keys everywhere. there is an abundance of keys in this house. that's interesting. maybe i'll use them, maybe i won't. fine, i go out the front door to get a food delivery and the door shut bind me, fine. i get it, thank you very much. i go to open the door and it's locked. it's a self-locking door. >> stephen: sure. and now i don't know what to do. there is no door man. >> stephen: good lord!
you're either in your car or your house. >> stephen: if you walk on the street, it's, like, we'll take you to a psych ward. let's go. >> i felt out of place so i called an uber. >> stephen: so drive you to a locksmith? >> gregoire and i, we worked it out. we drove around. i was, like, i don't know what to do. he said, do you have a key, can you break in? i said, i'm mexican, i can't break in! >> stephen: this is how so many bachelor's die. >> yeah. >> stephen: all around los angeles their dried hissics are on doors, all over los angeles. >> my executive functioning skills were off and i was like, i don't know what to do. there's no one to call. i called home. >> stephen: your wife. yeah, and they are partying. they are -- there is kids there, people there, they're partying, i hear shoes in my house. i go, are there people with shoes in my house?
>> there is clickity-clack, i'm like, i heard that. >> stephen: are you one of those people with the deep pile white carpet and you make people take their shoes off. >> no. if someone asks me if i want them to take my shoes off, it's amazing. >> stephen >> i see what's on the sidewalks here. it's bad. >> stephen: you should stay in los angeles. nobody's on the sidewalks. did you have fun playing "pitch." >> i played ball till my sophomore year in high school. the show is a partnership with major league basketball. i saw your windup. >> stephen: i got the windup down. thanks for being here.
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? by whatever you like i'm just so easily led ? oh my shaking heart you got me from the start ? you got me good aim and take a shot ? you got me til i drop like i knew you would ? oh you get what you give i don't regret what i did ? well if a real live liar can set you on fire ? then don't you settle for it oh don't you take me ? all this way to bring me back ? to earth one day i'm gonna roll on back on ? impossible tracks
? oh my shaking heart you got me from the start ? you got me good you aimed and then you shot ? you got me on the spot like i knew you would ? oh my shaking heart you got me from the start ? you got me good you aimed and then you shot ? now i'm coming t like i knew i would ? ? ? ? there's a full moon over sunset ? got our feet in perfect stride
? while we hold our smiles inside ? and we hold our smiles inside like we're holding back the tide ? and we stride in perfect meter like the sun won't ever rise ? oh my shaking heart you got me from the start ? you got me good you aimed and then you shot ? you got me on the spot like i knew you would ? oh my shaking heart you got me from the start ? you got me good you aimed and then you shot ? now i'm coming apart like i knew i would ? i knew i would ?
the power of the sun and the wind. it can fuel our lives and our economy, too. over 10,000 jobs in colorado alone. but when washington gridlock was choking the industry, something had to be done. so, i teamed up with republicans and democrats to pass the new laws we needed to help renewable energy grow. protecting the jobs we have and generating more for the future. i'm michael bennet, and that's why i approve this message. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! please tune in tomorrow, when my
springsteen. now, stick around for james corden and his guests, lucy liu, terry crews, and jack hanna. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right