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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 4, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MDT

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>> from westminster open space. michael smith accepts this in. i don't know if these mag pies know who they are dealing with, but that's a bald eagle. he is getting mad at them. finally, the pies are relentless. hes he takes off. >> that's right. >> thanks captioning sponsored by cbs >> cnn's new national poll shows only four point separate the two rivals. >> stephen: i've got to find
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just a moment of peace. i know, i'll relax by finishing my ship in a bottle. let's see, just straighten the mast here and then pull the rigging over the spar... you son of a bitch colbert! you stabbed me! as sure as the sea is wet, i will have my revenge! you will rue the day you tried to murder captain bainbridge! i have need to take my mind off this severe puncture wound. i know, i'll work on my desk >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes viggo mortenson. patton oswalt. and comedian maz jobrani. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, what's up? thanks for being here. hey, jon. >> stephen: welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. hey, please have a seat, everybody. than oh, how's everybody's friday going so far, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) i suspected as much. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. don't forget, daylight saving time-- guys, don't forget this, don't forget this, don't forget this. daylight saving time is this weekend.
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that means when it's 2:00 a.m. on sunday morning, turn your clock back to 1:00 a.m. but don't forget to set your alarm to wake up at 2:00, so you can set it back to 1:00 again. and if we all remember to do that, it will never be tuesday. somebody tell barack and michelle they're not leaving. and with just four days-- four days left in the race, there's some strange stuff going on. for instance, this is true, we just learned that trump supporters are trying to trick people into thinking they can votey now, i just want to be clear to everybody watching-- you cannot do that for the presidential election but it does explain why hillary clinton just won "america's got talent." her talent by the way? her talent? >> jon: yes, big time. >> stephen: hillary's talent by the way-- blowing huge leads. now, no one is saying the trump campaign is out to stop people from voting, except for the
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because last week, an unnamed adviser said that the campaign was having three major voter suppression operations under way," targeting liberals, young women, and african americans. wow, they really don't want alicia keys to vote. ( laughter ) of course, people are angry about the election, but they are angry about everything these days. for instance you north carolina it's. time for the annual for everybody to get mad about starbucks' holiday cup. now, starbucks hasn't unveiled their official holiday cup yet, but the new pre-holiday cup is out. here it is. you can get a shot of that jimmy? it's green and has a picture of people drawn with one continuous line, okay, because what says starbucks more than a line that goes on forever ( cheers and applause ) just know your order when you
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it's meant to symbolize unity but people on twitter have written furious responses to this cup, like this one, "starbucks... green cups!? war on christmas. last days." ( laughter ) and perhaps the hottest take of them all: yes! we want snowflakes. we want symbolize this team of peace and love where i will gouge out your eyes with a cinnamon chip scone! people are more divided than ever by this unity cup, so i figured we should check in with someone who's an expert on christmas and, like starbucks, is literally everywhere-- god. let's do that now. are you there, lord? it's me, stephen.
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how you doing there? i'm here. >> stephen: it's the lord, everybody, say hi! >> hey, everybody, hey, everybody. >> stephen: how you doing, lord? >> well, i'm a little tired from watching the world series the other night. did you like how i made it rain. ( cheers and applause ) yes, good game, good game. >> stephen: what did you say? >> did you like how i made it rain before extra innings? what can i say, i'm a drama queen. >> stephen: god, how do you feel about the new starbucks cups? are you boycotting? >> oh, good m i need my starbucks. fidon't have my morningula taw, i get all old testament. sodom and gomorrah happened because someone served me decaf. >> stephen: but what about the war on christmas? >> oh, please. people need to lighten up. without some stupid cup, people will just forget my son's birthday? oh, that reminds me. i'm taking him to dinner. got to make reservations. it's the 25th, right? >> stephen: yes. >> i should know that.
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well, before you go, i'm just curious. since god has many names, what does the barista write on your cup? >> well, as a celebrity, i have a lot of aliases-- god, yahweh, jehovah-- but mostly i use my real name, gary. ( laughter ). >> stephen: your name is gary? >> yeah, gary trendleton. nice to meet you? >> stephen: nice to meet you, too. ladies and gentlemen, gary. ( cheers and applause ) >> bye, everybody. >> stephen: thank you, gary! we've got a great show for you viggo mortenson is here, so stick around! we'll be right back. ? ? ? ( applause ) fact. people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm.
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i have seen three great monarchies brought down through their personal indulgences. the crown must win. (flash bulb popping) (whooshing) ? ? ? this is the time ? ? the time for harmony ? ? let love be the song ? ? that everybody sings ? s.c. johnson. discover card. i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. give it. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! and checking your score won't hurt your credit. oh! i'm so proud of you. well thank you. free at at,
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whether you're wearing layers... beads, stripes... or cheese. if you bleed blue... black and yellow, purple or various shades of red...
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hillary clinton: i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. vo: in times of crisis america depends on steady leadership. donald trump: "knock the crap out of them, would you? seriously..."vo: clear thinking... donald trump: "i know more about isis than the generals do, believe me." go fu_k themselves." vo: because all it takes is one wrong move. donald trump audio only: "i would bomb the sh_t out of them." vo: just one. woman: after all donald trump has said and done... she ate like a pig... you can do anything. i moved on her like a b***h! woman: trump's just so disgusting and degrading. he's bragged about assaulting women,
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and congressman mike coffman said he didn't know if donald trump's a sexual predator. come on. look, we just can't vote for coffman or trump. women vote is responsible for the content of this advertising. ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody. give it up for the band. ladies and gentlemen, listen. if you watch this show, and you watch on a regular basis, you know we like to have a lot of fun on the show tell jokes, ha-ha-ha. but also, we have deep concerns about the future, and occasionally i like to use my massive celebrity to raise
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service announcement. and i recently learned about the plight of one species that deeply troubled me. and so, right now, i'm going to record a p.s.a., and joining me is another famous person who truly cares. hello. we are stewards of the earth. and every living thing is precious. i'm stephen colbert. >> and i'm viggo mortensen. ( cheers and applause ) and we're asking you to please help us-- >> (both): --save the bees. >> stephen: no other single animal species plays a more integral role in our food chain. >> and over the last decade, the global bee population has plummeted over 30%. >> stephen: which means less stinging here but more stinging
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( laughter ) >> so, won't you please do your prart r part and save the bees? >> stephen: thanks so much. thanks so much. thanks, man. thanks for stepping up and doing the right thing. that really felt great. >> it feels really good to give back. >> stephen: it sure does. i know we have to do the interview in a second, but i was thinking as long as i got you maybe we should just record record next year's p.s.a.s, too? >> sure, why don't we just record the next decade or something. >> stephen: that would be great. why don't we record all the p.s.a.s we were going to record for the next five years but do them now. >> you're on. >> stephen: jimmy. >> last year, we asked you to save the bees, and it worked. >> stephen: thanks to your help, scientists solved the mystery of colony collapse disorder, and bee populations are on the rebound.
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>> more yummy honey in my tummy. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's right. but sometimes saving bees isn't enough. >> the bees deserve a better tomorrow. and that's why we're asking you to help-- >> (both): --educate the bees. >> the bees are thriving, and they want to learn. >> stephen: they're so much smarter than we thought and are quite interested in subjects like military history and engineering. ( laughter ) >> so, won't you please do your part and-- ( cheers and applause ) >> we asked you to save the bees. >> stephen: we asked you to teach the bees. >> and you did more than we could ever imagine. >> stephen: now there are too many bees. ( laughter ) >> and they are alarmingly smart. >> stephen: they know too much about us. >> so, please, don't bumble this opportunity to stop--
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( laughter ) >> as you know, humanity is at war against the bees. >> stephen: the time for talking is over. >> we've lost every battle and we're running out of food. but we still have hope. >> stephen: the bees must have some kind of weakness, even if they seem like tiny indestructible gods. >> which is why we need you to-- >> (both): --join the fight against the bees. >> stephen: head to a recruiting station before nightfall. >> they own the night. >> stephen: but if you act now, you can be the "buzzerbeater." together, we can all-- >> (both): --defeat the bees. he were he were >> stephen: hi, i'm stephen colbert. >> and i'm viggo mortensen. >> stephen: did you know every day more and more dolphins suffer at the hands of our fishermen? >> in order to protect these noble creatures, we must act
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( laughter ) >> stephen: won't you please help us to-- >> (both): --save the dolphins? >> dolphins are beautiful, intelligent creatures. >> stephen: and they would make a powerful ally in our war against the bees. >> they can jump out of the water and swat the bees with their tails. >> stephen: and maybe they could use their soans to confuse the bees? >> sonar. >> stephen: they have the bees have begun building submarines. >> stephen: why did we teach them engineering? >> calm the hell down, stephen! >> stephen: i'm sorry, i'm scared. >> i am, too. so, act now to-- >> (both): --save the dolphins in order to recruit them in our war to destroy the bees. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the war with the bees is finally over. >> but humanity still has big
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reseed the earth. but first, we must build monuments to our merciful bee overlords. >> please join the hive and-- >> (both): --serve the bees. >> they let us live, and deserve our obedience. >> stephen: unlike those treacherous dolphins. they were the ones who tried to lure us into an unjust war against the bees! this guy! get over here! >> it was them! it was them, my queen. we would never disobey you. >> down! >> slave! down! >> stephen: get down there! i'm drone 27534. >> and i'm viggo mortensen, asking you to-- >> (both): --please continue to
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. good to have you. one of my favorite actors is my first guest tonight and has appeared in some of my favorite movies of all time. his latest is "captain fantastic." please welcome viggo mortensen. ? ? ? ( applause ) nice to see you. how you doing? >> very good. thanks for having me. >> stephen: you know, as i said in the introduction, you're one of my favorite actors. you know, not just from some of my favorite movie of all time, but from your performances in a lot of movies. i would say that your-- your--
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fight scene of all time, okay. ( applause ) >> i'd like to say it was fun. >> stephen: one of the greatest movies ever made. do people still kind of yell, "hey, look, it's aragon." is that how they mostly know you? do they think of you as that? >> i sometimes yell that, i'm aragone. i have gotten a lot of mileage out of that. >> stephen: we have your sword. could we have a shot of that, jim? we have your sword. just to make me happy. >> good luck. >> stephen: thanks very much. thanks very much. i don't actually think of you as aragone anymore. >> that's good luck. >> stephen: i'm getting a vibe off of that. i don't think of you just as aragorn, i think of you as thoh, rogorn. i think of you one as one of the
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alexwon. >> also, secretly the strider of the rangers. >> stephen, yeah. >> impressive. you're up on your token. >> stephen: oh, yeah. i can live with you? ( laughter ). >> sure. >> stephen: maybe. >> we could practice sorld fighting. >> stephen: what is it like to be-- what would it be like to live with viggo mortensen. in this new movie, "captain fantastic," you play an unfengzal dad to lives off the grid with his kid. >> six kid. >> stephen: unconventional person and you have lived off the grid, right? >> i don't know. i keep to myself a lot. but i don't know that i live off the grid, exactly. what do you mean by that? >> stephen: you seem like you eshoe convention. you go your own way. you go-- is what i'm saying. you go your own way. >> sure. >> stephen: do you have an iphone? >> i've got a-- yeah, i've got an-- well, it's my phone.
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>> stephen: you have a flip phone? >> it's ringing. this is a phone. >> stephen: is this someone really calling you? >> hello? vinny? vinny, no. i'm-- i'm in the middle of something. ( laughter ) i'm with my friend stephen. no, you-- all right, all right. you-- vinny wants to say hi. >> stephen: vinny? ( laughter ) hey. >> tell him i'll call there's actually a guy on the phone. i thought you were ( bleep ) me. there's actually a guy on phone. hello? yes? hello. >> vinny, not now. >> stephen: no, you can't come over. we don't have any clothes on right now. we're off the dprid right now. >> sword practice. >> stephen: sword practice, he says. exactly. well, listen-- okay, thanks vinny. that's good. we're going to need a release for him to put this on air, i think. >> that's fine.
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>> stephen: this is a stone tool. ( laughter ) this is a motorola flip phone from, like, 1997. >> yeah, you don't have to-- you can walk around with it. >> stephen: it's magic, my friend. you have to plug it in. you have to plug it in eventually. >> do you? >> stephen: yes. >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. but you can walk around on the street. you don't have to use it just in your house. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's true. it's one of those new cordless phones that they have. >> i recommend it. i recommend it. >> stephen: when you were-- play the dad in-- >> and i'll turn it off because i should have done that. i'm sorry. well, vinny, sorry. yeah. >> stephen: yeah, you really should have. >> yeah. >> stephen: that was very rude of you. >> unprofessional. >> stephen: yeah, it is. >> even. i'm sorry. >> stephen: but you're a consummate professional. you throw yourself into your roles with complete abandon. >> i do. >> stephen: like in this one, you play the father of all these six kids out in the wilderness. >> yeah. >> stephen: again, totally off grid, living in-- what are you
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what are you living in. >> a tee tee. >> stephen: do you think this would be a good way to teach children, a good way to raise them? >> honestly it, doesn't matter. you don't have to win out in the woods woodz. but i think the idea, honestly, to be truthful, at all timeses not matter how young the kid is, no matter what the subject, whether it's death, sex, anything, just tell them the the truth, no matter what age they are. i think that's good. and have open discourse and, you know, encourage them to think defend their ideas. i think that's all good. >> stephen: well we have a little clip here of-- ( applause ) we have a clip of-- it's you on the family bus talking to the kids about what you're going to have to do as a family or how you might have to conform, because mom is actually back in the city because she has some-- >> problems. >> stephen: some problems that have to be dealt with in the
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back into society and this is you telling them how life is. >> yeah. >> stephen: another jim? >> powerful, controlled the lives of the powerless. and that's the way the world works. it's unjust, and it's unfair. but that's just too damn bad. we have to shut up and accept it. ( bleep ) that. ( applause ) that was-- you know, i mean, it's also a road trip. the kids insist on going to see the mom, even though i've been told by my in-laws, who are quite a bit different. they're very conservative, sort
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savages. and we've been-- i've been forbidden to come anywhere near their daughter. and the kids insist on going on this road trip, and that's when everything starts to go haywire. >> stephen: how much of that is what you're like? could you give that speech and end it with ( bleep ) that? is that how you live your life? because you know you're not-- >> like to my son, could i say that? >> stephen: do anybody. not just raising a child, but is that how you feel, like you have to-- do message of nonconformity? because i know you're not choosing between trump and clinton in this election. >> no, i'm not. i'm voting for jill stein for the same reason i supported bernie sanders, you know, because she's talking in a meaningful way about many things that aren't discussed in the debates. >> stephen: like what? >> they're not really going into climate change in a big way. they're summer not talking about overspending in the military.
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foreign policy. i mean trump and clinton are trying to outdo each other saying, "i'm going to kick ass here. i'm going to kick ass there." she has proven to us she likes to do that and not always the best idea when she does that at times, and she's bellicose. trump, who know what he will do. as far as foreign policy, i would say they trust her about as far as i could throw trump. >> stephen: so to you, there's no diffee essentially? it's like curse on both their houses. >> i do honestly think it's one of the-- one of the poorest-- maybe the poorest choice we've had in an election in my lifetime. and it's unfortunate. and i've had a lot of people-- and i understand their point of view, you know, friends and strangers, publicly and private, go after mea&say, "how could you do that? you're naive. you're stupid. you're elitist. you're a patsy for trump."
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say i didn't vote my conscience ever when it didn't matter. and you can make an excuse every year for not voting for a third party. i don't know. i want to vote my conscience and feel right about it. >> stephen: do you live in the united states? >> yes, i do. i won't be for long? is that what you're saying? >> stephen: i have some evidence here that you actually are a nonconformist and you spread the spirit of nonconformity, because this is you an a movie. and this is you on the red carpet at the cannes film festival. it's true? >> yes, it is. >> stephen: can you explain how this came about? ( laughter ). >> i think our middle fingers have been blurred out. >> stephen: they have been blurred out because you're on cbs. >> ah! they're great kids. i mean they're so on, beadient. ( laughter ) they're so on, beadient.
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time at cannes. and we may not be invited to go back. >> stephen: you will live in the tee pea again. >> that's right. >> stephen: thanks for being here. listen on, the off chance jill stein is not elected president on tuesday, will you come back and talk to us again about whoever you're going to vote for the next time? >> you're not running this time. i know you ran -- >> you could write me in if you want to. >> if trump wins, would you consider be secretary of state? i mean -- >> if trump wins, i'm moving to wherever you're going. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: "captain fantastic" is now out on dvd and on demand. we'll be right back with patton oswalt. stick around. simulation initiated.
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take on any galaxy with a car that could stop for you. simulation complete. the new nissan rogue. rogue one: a star wars story. in theaters december 16th. (cheering on tv) you may write me down in history, with your bitter, twisted lies. you may trod me in the very dirt, but still like dust, i rise. you can shoot me with your words... but still, like air... we rise. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. i could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and i wouldn't lose any voters, okay? and you can tell them to go f**? themselves.
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n't remember. he's going like 'i don't remember.' ? this is the story of fall's biggest fan. autumn was born on the first day of fall. and from an early age she learned to love the season. leaf piles and pumpkin pies. hot apple cider and cozy sweaters. which brings us to the very moment
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said he didn't know if donald trump's a sexual predator. come on. look, we just can't vote for coffman or trump. house majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody. thank you, jon. welcome back, folks. my next guest tonight is a very funny guy who recently won an emmy award for his standup special, "talking for clapping." he performed last night at the new york comedy festival. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome patton oswalt! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> oh, hi. >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: how are you doing? >> aaahh... i'm okay. you know, it's-- it's it's weird. doing-- like, me sitting here now talking to you, this part very easy. and then, also, staying home curled up in the fetal position and not leaving for days, super
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few people out there, just to explain, who-- that, sadly, six months ago you lost your wife michelle. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: for the people who don't know that, now you are-- you've been very public about it, about your grief, in ways that i think has been very appreciated by people who have experienced grief because there are a lot of times people don't talk about it, and they don't want to hear it sometimes because they feel almost like it's contagious. it's so terrible for people to contemplate, but you sharing with other people i think has someone to give to know that other people are not alone. so thank you for that. >> i mean, it's a-- ( applause ) thank you. i think-- i think it's a way for me to-- when you said, "it feels contagious. it feels like you've summoned this virus and you've become this avatar of loss, to kind of desummon it, the more you talk
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see all the angles and say, "oh, okay, that is horrible, but there's life on either side of it, and it's somehow manageable." i've heard from people that have gone through unbelievable-- like loss that i can't even wrap my head around in the depths of my loss. but you can-- and there are these really long messages that i'll get. and you realize the length of the message is them beginning to talk about it and write about it, and pouring out. and it's-- there's just-- if you don't talk about it, then grief really gets to set up and fortify its positions inside of you and begin to immobilize you. but the more you talk, the more you expose it to the air and to the light then, you know, grief doesn't get a chance to organize itself, and then you can maybe move on a little better and a little easier. that's been my experience in these six months.
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know, have been away from performing and now you're coming back to performing. >> yeah. >> stephen: how has that been? i must imagine when you first considered coming to do comedy, that's must have been a weird feeling to do. >> it was really-- it was really weird, the process of getting to do the show. again, once i get on stage and start talking, it weirdly becomes okay because the stage was always a safe place for me. it was a safe place that i was used to. but it's the getting in the car and driving and and i've been through this loss, and i'm going to talk-- how dare i talk about this thing. but then in a really weird way, it takes you out of your own head and your own ego to go, well, wait a minute. everyone in that room, each individual person, you're all meeting at this moment of-- you don't know what they've been through that day or in their lives or what they have going on. so if you all meet together at that one-- where you're all denying whatever is bad for just
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telling jokes and being ridiculous, there's something-- it's weird how both me and the audiences that i've been performing for, we all just kind of rise to the occasion. it's a-- it's a way to make the darkness feel uncomfortable with itself for a little bit. you know? ( applause ) >> stephen: i do know. i do know. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah. grief cannot be fixed. it can only be experienced. >> no. >> stephen: unless you allow yourself to experience it, it it must be endured. and it's the endurance, weirdly enough, that becomes the remedy. does that make a little -- >> i do. >> like a -- >> no, it's the acknowledgment of it. it's like a demon that must be named and then it can go. >> yeah, if you can name it, you can manage it. you can mock it, you can manage it. i'm quoting todd glass right there. but if you can mock it you can
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ignore mockery. >> oh, yeah. not too crazy about-- if you're being entertained or laughing at what is supposed to be terrifying you, it just takes all of its strength away. >> stephen: you can't laugh and be afraid at the same time is what i like to say. >> yes, exactly. >> stephen: you're not doing this alone. >> unless you're on bath salt s. >> stephen: that is true. >> then you can do both. >> stephen: then your laughter is actually terrifying. >> yes. whoa! should i take bath salts? sorry. >> stephen: or take a bath. one >> stephen: you and your wife michelle have a daughter, alice, who you are raising. >> yes. >> stephen: anda what is that experience like for you? is she helping you? >> oh, she's-- my daughter is helping me immeasurably with this, with the way that we-- when you see someone who in your mind, "oh, she's only seven. i'm the-- i'm the 47-year-old here. i'm the wise one." but you realize when you're-- when they're younger they have
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experienced less of the world, and because they're kind of creating the world as they go along, that grief-- let's like grief has been introduced to them in a world that they haven't yet completed. so it's way easier for them to go, "i'm just going to place grief over here because i have all this other cool stuff that i'm still constructing and reforming." to get to see that is a reminder, again, to me, to get out of your own head. kind of reverse your valences and put gri w to be, not where it wants you to be. and my seven-year-old is showing me how to do that it's pretty incredible. >> stephen: yeah that's a great gift. that's a great gift. >> it is. >> stephen: how do you explain to her who donald trump is? ( laughter ) >> i show her the cantina scene in "star wars." ( laughter ) and then i go, "imagine a
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belligerent and too, you know-- he was being-- ( applause ) he was saying-- he was saying-- he was saying racist stuff about gun darks, and they're saying 'we're just trying to have a drink here. please." weirdly, and this is going to sound a little cheesy, you know what's been helping raise my daughter is having hillary to point at on tv, and go, look, there's this person and-- because i know that getting-- i can tell her, i know you're getting hit with stuff, you know, feelings and stuff in your head be, but she's-- not only has she been getting hit with this stuff since he was a teenager, a teenager, she's had people coming after her. but it's all televised and recorded and now, she has to-- she has to prove herself to this person that is-- it isn't even that he's awful. it's that he is-- he is the
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( applause ) you know what i'm saying? what's weird is, people that support trump, some of the things they like about trump kind of make sense. but then he negates it. like the thing that they-- like they'll go, "you know what's great about trump? he's anti-p.c., and he just says-- and nothing gets to him." and you've got to go, "stop, look. i understand that that could be a good thing. he is the most p.c. human being on the planet eep political correctness. p.c. for him stands for personal comfort. it's all his feelings. if you piss off somebody on the internet or twitter, they'll start a hashtag against you or write an angry essay. he will go, "i will see you in court for saying that thing about my hair! i want money!" his brain, it's-- his brain is-- it's just a desert where things are-- ( laughter ) barely alive. and then there's this giant dark
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words, "my feelings," and if those words light up, everything in the desert dies, and we have to start over again. that is how his brain works. ( cheers and applause ) literally how his brain work s. >> stephen: four days, four days. >> god, please. >> stephen: patton thank you so much for being here. thank you for sharing your story with us. people need to hear it. patton oswalt will be performing in minnesota on november 11, and in north carolina on december 3. jobrani. ? ? ?
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,, ,, to keep our communities safe, we need a district attorney like jake lilly -- tough, smart, and determined to keep us safe. as a former special assistant u.s. attorney and iraq war veteran, jake lilly is an experienced prosecutor who will be tough on violent crime, including murder and domestic abuse.
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including veterans suffering from mental illness or addiction. jake lilly for district attorney -- tough, smart, and fair. ? ? ?
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i alone can fix it! bomb the [bleep] out of 'em. i'd like to punch him in the face. i like people that weren't captured, okay? he's a mexican! she ate like a pig... i moved on her like a [bleep] i did not say that... i love war. yes, including with nukes. blood coming out of her... they're rapists... wrong. there has to be some form of punishment. such a nasty woman. i wanna be unpredictable. ...on 5th avenue and shoot somebody... she's a slob... i don't remember! and you can tell them to go [bleep] themselves! priorities usa action is responsible
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i'm jamie foxx for verizon. in the nation's largest independent study by rootmetrics, verizon is america's most reliable network. and i'm jamie foxx for sprint, with no wins in reliability in any state. you need to stop your shenanigans. i-i'm... you're not jamie foxx. i'm close enough, just like sprint. no! look at my map. take it in. oh! yeah, there you go. eh? yeah. oh. (sighs) don't get fooled by a cut rate network. verizon gives you tons of data without all the restrictions. get twenty gigs and four lines for only 160, with no surprise overages. on america's best network. ? ? ? ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. oh, folks, my guest guest has performed at the white house and the kennedy center and now he's here to perform for us. please welcome the very funny maz jobrani.
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>> thank you, thank you. i'm excited to be here. i'm a big fan of the show. this is fantastic. a lot of crazy things going on in the world right now. the elections are almost over. a lot of crazy-- ( applause ) yes, yes. a lot of craziness, islama phobia is on the rise. i'm originally from the middle east myself. i was born in iran. and i gotta tell you, it's a hard time to be middle eastern these days. it's a hard time to be middle eastern these days. and by "these days" i mean the past 50 ( laughter ) yeah, that's the last year we had a good year, yeah. remember that? 1516, we were in the super bowl. but we didn't win. we didn't win. yeah. it's crazy because they've been kicking middle eastern people off of airplanes left and right for doing nothing. did you guys hear about this guy? there was a middle eastern guy on an airplane, he was watching something on his phone, there was gun violence on the phone. the passenger sitting next to him, saw him, saw he was a middle eastern guy, got him kicked off the plane.
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have you heard of spirit airlines. if you have heard of spirit airlines, work harder so you no longer have to hear about spirit airlines. this poor guy was watching on the phone, there was gun violence. they investigated. it turns out it was a middle eastern guy watching the news. that's why he got kicked-- no one is thinking anything. what did the lady sitting next to the guy think? it was isis looking at last-minute instructional ideas. i'm going to go like this, then hold on, don't fly. i'm still studying. go like this, go like that. skews me, i can borrow your phone. i'm starting to hijack the plane, i cannot see how-- it's craziness. it's a fear of immigrants, right. there's a lot of fear of immigrant. if you watch fox news, you, too, will be afraid of immigrant. i watched a half hour of fox news and i was afraid of immigrant. you watch fox news and you'll say, "oh, my god, the mexicans are going to take our jobs, the muslims will kill us, and i'm
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i'm going to get eaten my a mexican muslum shark with the zika virus named barack hussein obama. a lot of it is fear of immigrant. first of all, if you like trump or not, when he first started running, everybody thought it was a joke. everybody was like ha-ha-ha. now, no one can believe it. search like ha! ha! and i've been watching the guy. i've been trying to see if he's got any plans. he's got no plans. it's a lot of slogans with no plans. and he's at the reallies and he just says the slogans, he repeat the slogans and no one asks about the plans. he's at the rallies. gonna make america great again! gonna make america great again! gonna build a wall. gonna beat china! gonna beat china! how you gonna do it?
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listen, the number one thing i've heard trump supporters say, number one thing, "i love him because he says what's on his mind. he just says what's on his mind. he just says what's on his mind! you go, what, are your thoughts about his policies?" "i don't know about his policies. he just says what's on his mind." i thought that was the dumbest thing i had ever heard. until i went to visit my mother, an iranian lady. she fell for the he says what's on his mind. i said are you crazy. he's anti-immigrant. if he became president, they couldn't come and visit you. she said, "i don't like them anyway." ( applause ) yeah. a lot of immigrants actually like trump. a lot of immigrants get in this country and they don't want any more of them coming. i swear to god, i was in an uberwith an older armenian guy.
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barely spoke english, but he loved trump. he was trying to tell me what i great politician he is. he kept saying what a great politic he is. he kept saying,"donald trump, number one politic. very good, number one politic, very good, number one, vrkd, number one. i said, dude, he's anti-immigrant. you're an immigrant!" he said, "yes, but i'm here." ( applause ) yeah. "for me, good politic. for my cousin, not good very bad politic." i actually think that trump does not want to win. i really do. he's a megalomaniac billionaire businessman. he wants to make money. he of you don't make money as a president. i think he wants to lose. i really do. that's why he says so much crazy stuff. and then that tape came out where he said if you want to pick up women you have to grab them by their... i said, mom, did you hear what he said. if you want to pick up woman you have to grab them by the... she
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father's day." thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: his movie, "jimmy vestvood: amerikan hero," is now available on amazon. maz jobrani, everybody! we'll be right back. ? ? ? ( applause ) i'm michael bennet, and i approve this message. narrator: what do you really know about darryl glenn, the fringe republican candidate for senate? darryl glenn doesn't believe in climate change. he's for eliminating s to outlaw abortion even in cases of rape and incest. reporter: glenn says if he's fortunate enough to go to capitol hill, he has no interest in working across the aisle. darryl glenn: i'm running against democrats. i'm running against evil.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody.
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on cbs monday and wednesday, and live uncensored on tuesday for our election night special at at 11 p.m. on showtime. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from christchurch, new zealand, give it up for your


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