tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 14, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
getting a lot of congratulatory phone calls. have you talked to putin? >> he actually called last night. >> stephen: i also understand he sent you a large wooden horse as a victory gift, correct? >> it is so big, it is so-- it's so enormous, it's so amazing. >> stephen: have you looked inside it to see if there's anything before you open the gates and bring it into america? >> no. >> stephen: okay, let's move on, jobs to fill in your administration. have you thought about who you're going to hire? >> what we are going to do is get the people that are criminal and have criminal records, gang members, drug dealers, we have a lot of these people. >> stephen: can we get specific? >> sure. >> stephen: i'm going to throw out some names and you tell me if they're being considered. for labor secretary, meatloaf's less talented brother, casserole? >> yes. >> stephen: for energy secretary, a coffee can with
>> stephen: and for secretary of education-- a pack of wild dogs. >> at the appropriate time, i will release them. >> stephen: so, do you see four years in office or eight years? >> 15 max. >> stephen: what would you say if i told you i'm going to edit this video in a way that's unfair to you and make it the open of my show? >> i will say this, and i will say right to the cameras: stop it. >> announcer: "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes eddie redmayne, bernie sanders, alton brown, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )
hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) what's going on? hi, paul! hey! ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: hey, thank you so much, everybody. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. so how is your weekend? >> mine was okay.
let's give him a chance room. ( laughter ) no difference, but the sign on the door are different. there are some positive signs. today, barack obama held a press conference, where he emphasized the need for calm, then he left for greece. ( laughter ) he'll probably be back. do we still have his damage deposit? okay, then he'll definitely be back. in other seemingly normal news yesterday, trump named a chief of staff-- rnc chairman reince priebus, who is better known by his name's anagram: penis-rice-a-roni.
we've said it before. he knows. the chief of staff traditionally has a strong influence on the president, and priebus is an establishment republican who stood up to trump about his divisive campaign rhetoric. >> i later called him and said, hey, you know, we gotta kind of work on this language a little bit. >> after you called him, and you told him to tone it down, he didn't. >> no, he didn't. >> stephen: "no, he didn't tone it down like i asked. he also kept calling me "rinse pubis." ( laughter ) "you know him, commander-in-chief." point is, trump picked an establishment republican chief of staff. so you can back off the ledge. now get back on it, because this is trump's new white house chief strategist, and robert redford
now he's best known for is running breitbart news. if you've never read brietbart, it's the news your racist uncle gets sent to him by his racist uncle. here are some actual headlines breitbart published under bannon's leadership: why equality and diversity departments should only hire rich, straight white men. "would you rather your child had feminism or cancer?" "hoist it high and proud: the confederate flag proclaims a glorious heritage." spoiler, renegade jew." now i know that sounds anti-semitic, but it might be a compliment. like how you'd describe superhero jesus. "renegade jew" could be the original title of the new testament. but it's not. yeah. bannon is considered a leader of what's known as the "alt right," an extreme online movement with ties to white supremacy.
and then think about the alternative to that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but bannon wants to reassure everyone there's more to the alt right than that, saying, "are there anti-semitic people involved in the alt-right? absolutely. are there racist people involved in the alt-right? absolutely. but i don't believe that the movement overall i so it's not overall anti-semitic. "come to my party! the birthday cake is only part turd!" ( laughter ) eat up! ( applause ) so -- glad you liked at the one. i'm glad you liked that one. so that's the chief strategist. but remember, reince priebus is the chief of staff. he'll rein in the hateful rhetoric. >> hey, you know, we gotta kind
>> stephen: that'll sound a lot tougher once his testicles descend. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we are all surprised that trump is going to be the president. it's weird. it just feels weird. you know who's the most surprised? donald trump. ( laughter ) last wk, visit to the white house, obama walked him through the duties of running the country, and mr. trump seemed surprised by the scope. the scope of the job. ( laughter ) that's the thing about being a true outsider. you truly don't know how the inside stuff works! it's like a surgeon who prides himself on really knowing the outside of the body. "you got the arms, you got the legs, how tough could this be? let's cut him open! ew, what's all this wet stuff?! okay, let's start taking out
( applause ) yeah, yeah. by the end of "take your president to work" day, mr. obama realized the republican needs more guidance. he plans to spend more time with his successor than presidents typically do. okay! so trump will just follow obama around, learning as he goes, slowly assuming more and more responsibility. you know, like some sort of "apprentice." ug i would watch that. >> jon: exactly. i would watch that show, and now i have to. you guys watch "60 minutes" last night? president-elect trump sought to reassure a half-troubled nation with a message of hope. >> i would tell them don't be afraid, absolutely. >> but that's not what you're saying. i said it-- >> oh, i think, no, no, i think, i am saying it, i've been saying it.
>> don't be afraid. we are going to bring our country back. but certainly, don't be afraid. >> stephen: okay, don't be afraid. that's kind of creepy serial killer talk. i don't remember a new president ever having to say that. ( applause ) oh, wait, wait, no. that's not fair. that's not fair. that's not fair. after all, it said, "we have nothing to fear. now don't be afraid. it puts the lotion on it's skin." >> jon: he said that? >> stephen: i'm paraphrasing, obviously! i'm not an historian! ( laughter )
often. now regarding his signature campaign pledge to deport all 12 million illegal aliens, trump said they're gonna immediately deport two million with criminal records, and as for the other 10 million? >> after the border is secured and after everything gets normalized, we're going to make a determination on the people that you're talking about, who are terrific people, they're terrific people but we are going -- >> stephen: that's right, they're terrific we're going to put them on amazing buses and suspend their fantastic human rights! it's going to be a trail of tremendous tears because, for trump, there's only three types of immigrants: criminals, terrific people, and wives. ( audience reacts ) >> jon: oh, my! ( applause )
worrying a lot of illegal aliens. and we've obtained foot an of one illegal alien reacting to trump. >> there are 2 million illegal aliens inside our country. >> would you accept a fence? certain areas. we're getting them out of our country. (bleep). (bleep). >> stephen: bernie sanders is here, and when we come back, i'll sit down with academy award-winning actor eddie redmayne. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? sing girl, come on. ?[ singing ]?
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) my very first guest tonight is the academy award-winning star of films like the theory of everything, "the danish girl" and "les miserables." he is taking us back to our favorite wizard in the world in fantastic beasts and where to find them.
loose again? >> uh, might be. let's look for it! look! he's hurt. oh! wake up. listen! what is that! >> nothing to worry about. that is a murtbat. >> what else have you got in there? >> stephen: please welcome eddie redmayne! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: nice to meet you. nice to have you here. >> lovely to meet you, too. >> stephen: double congratulations, obviously there is the movie everybody's excited
>> that's true, yes. >> stephen: how old is your dismawrgt. >> we have a little baby girl iries who is about four and a half months. >> stephen: she'll never know a world where you're not in the wizardy world of harry potter. >> i never thought about that. >> stephen: does your wife have any chance of being as cool as you are? dad's a wizard, what is mom? >> she is pretty wizard like in her tolerance of me, but, she's pretty cool. i've spent most of my life trying to be cool and she definitely wins that one. >> stephen: people ask me, what would your petronas be? because your character have a petronas? >> he does. but there is a new petro us in finder web site and they basically ask you all these
these algorithms that choose what your pra p p pa trough nay. they ask you all the questions and i did it once and it came up a bassett hound not threatening but kind of thought quite sweet. they said, do it again, as if they wanted newt to have a more hard-core petronas. and it's statistically impossible to get the same one twice but office bassett hound twice. >> stephen: it's official. it's official. >> yep. >> stephen: warner brothers
versions of newt's commander's wands. i've seen a few of these reproduced wands. they're very beautiful. can you tell me anything about newt's wand? does he get frit mr. olivander. >> it came from there. >> stephen: okay. when you talk to these guys, you have these long discussions, they present you. this is ashwood, shell with mother omother-of-pearl. he's quite humble, but i saw everyone els' and they were ferrari-like and i got severe wand-envy. >> stephen: i've read freud's treatise on that. ( laughter ) did no one ever teach you how to
well, what does one do? you have your own style? >> well, firstly, you feel like you're waited all your life to get that moment. >> stephen: of course. there is nice flex to. this what's the core? >> i couldn't possibly tell you that. >> stephen: why? because it's top secret! ( laughter ) but -- no, it's interesting about how you use i bet you just went and watched all the harry potter films and tried to steal the best. >> stephen: how do you do this? >> it depends on what spell. >> stephen: yes. if i was doing a spell to summon something towards me, i would do an underarm. >> stephen: try to get this bottle of cureel from me. ready.
( applause ) holy cow. wow! please be careful. please, eddie redmayne, please be careful. >> rafe heinz is the guy. he goes for the double over the head one. >> stephen: he'd hold his like that. that's great. he's sphooky. now who's the bad guy? there is not to be a bad giemplet please don't make tell. there are warner brothers snipers. >> stephen: can you tell me who it is? >> i can't tell you. anti-bacterial -- >> stephen: i'll take a little of that, too. ( applause ) there are rumors in subsequent films mr. death is going to be in them. can you confirm or deny whether mr. death is going to be in the
>> no. >> stephen: fair enough. ( applause ) okay. now, let's get away from the wizarding world for a second and get to someplace nor magical to americans is british universities. you went to cambridge, right? >> yes. >> stephen: hillston on here, he went to cambridge, too. >> yeah. >> stephen: you went there the same time? >> yeah. >> stephen: were you in the same college? what were you in? were you in the same college there? >> no, we went to the same school together as well. >> stephen: wow, well, he studied something unbelievably impractical. she was a classics major, i don't know if you would call it like that. but you studied if something, if possible, less employable than that, you were what? >> an art historian. >> stephen: art historian. tudied art history. >> stephen: studied art history. and your focus was on this,
did your work on. you studied this. >> 12,000 words. >> stephen: 12,000 words on this. this is a painting? >> a painting by a fy'called eve kline. he copyrighted the color. >> stephen: eve kline's blue. yeah. >> stephen: would you like to tell the people why 12,000 words on this is an unlikely choice for you? >> well, i am color blind. ( applause ) >> stephen: wait, what kind of color blind? >> well, color blindness is a misunderstood thing because it's not you see in black and white, you just confuse colors and whatever color that is, it's very beautiful to me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you wouldn't necessarily say it's blue or
case it clashed. >> stephen: so if i knew that you were color blind and i instead asked them to have me put up a card that's just green and tell you it's a blue card, you wouldn't know whether i was doing that to you? >> no, i wouldn't. >> stephen: i have terrible news -- ( laughter ) it's a blue card. before we go, what do you say about -- what's the 12,000 words and what is basically swatch from sherman williams? ( laughter ) >> well, he was so obsessed with this color, which i have to say does it an injustice, because in real life it's much morph vibrant. >> stephen: i like it. matches my couch nicely. ( applause ) well, i'd love to read it sometimes.
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! give it up "stay human"! ( cheers and applause ) jon, tell the good people here, you've got a guest! you've got one of my favorite musicians sitting with the band tonight. tell us who we have? >> jon: we have the great genius of the mandolin chris thile! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how are ya? congratulations on prairie home
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: folks, my next guest is a former presidential candidate, a current senator from vermont. please welcome bernie sanders! ( cheers and applause ) ? audienc( audience chanting bern) ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. i think the person i most want to talk to about this election now that it's over, how are you doing?
>> it's been a tough week. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. yeah. >> stephen: okayful leave it at that. all right. during the campaign, last time we had you on the show, you were still running for the nomination, and all through the campaign, people used to say to me, oh, you know, trump's people and bernie's people, they're the same people. they're angry about the same things, and you recalled, like, you know, he was t bernie, you you were the democrc trump. i'm sure you heard all of this. what do you think is the common thread? because while it's easy to condemn, it's harder to convince or to understand. so do you think there was some overlap in the arrange of your two crowds? >> yes. i mean, above and beyond the incredible bigotry of the trump campaign, what he did is tapped
are feeling, which is very rarely reported in the media or understood by the punditry. the fact is there are millions of people in the country today whose life expectancy is lower than their parents. they are living in despair, they're turning to alcohol, drugs and suicide because they see no future for themselves. you've got 60-year-old workers, today, stephen, who are facing know how much money they have in the bank facing retirement? zero. they don't have a nickel. think of going into retirement without a penny in the bank scared to death. you've got single moms out there today who are making $30,000, $40,000 a year and spend $13,000, $15,000 in childcare. how do you survive? kids graduating from college $50,000 in debt earning $12 an hour. that is the reality of america
i talked about it as much as i could. trump talked about it. the end of the campaign, trump was posing as a hero of the working class of america. i happen not to believe him. i hope i'm wrong and i hope he does follow through on some of his ideas about creating jobs and raising wages. but to answer your question, i think what the punditry and the establishment does not understand there, a lot of people in this country who are suffering, hurting and scared to get the about tomorrow for their kinds and he tapd anxiety. >> stephen: people are march anything the streets. are you in favor t of that? >> i think people are expressing their feelings and exercising their constitutional right. >> stephen: what about the the "not my president? president?" >> we have to figure out where do we go from here, this is the reality. i have been focusing on several things -- and let's be clear
2 million more votes than donald trump ( cheers and applause ) so don't see this as a mass -- you know, as a massive success for trump. he lost the popular vote. second of all, he comes into the white house as the least popular candidate in the history of this country. please do not think that all of the people who voted for donald trump agree with his sentiments about women or african-americans or, you know, hisej the science regarding climate change, they don't. but for a variety of reasons, they did end up voting for them. our job, now, is, in my view, to figure out how we create an effective opposition. now, the truth is, democrats should not be losing to a candidate who insults so many people, who wants to give huge tax breaks to the top two-tenths of one percent and rejects climate change.
elections? something is fundamentally wrong. what i am trying to do now is bring about structural changes in the democratic party so it becomes a grassroots party. ( applause ) >> stephen: we have to take a break. we'll be right back with senator bernie sanders. ? ( cheers and applause ) some of us are serious, some thrive on comedy. i've sailed upon the seven seas i've seen the wonders of the world not yet one common man. i know ten thousand women called jane and mary jane, i've not seen any two who really were the same. mirror twins are different although their features jibe, and lovers think quite different thoughts while lying side by side.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! we're back with our bernie sanders. senator sanders, you have a new book which is out tomorrow called "our revolution." now that the results of the election are in, any thoughts about changing the title of the book? >> now more than ever our revolution! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you say, on page 4 here, i ended this campaign far more optimistic about the future of our country than when i began.
>> stephen: okay. i spoke in 46 states in this country and what i saw was incredible. i saw so many beautiful people. this is from my heart. especially young people. black, white, latino, asian-american, native american, incredibly beautiful people who want to make this country into the country that we know it can become, not only trying to wipe out prejudice but create an economy that works for all and not just the 1%. they inspired me. they inspired me today. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, after the 2012 loss of mitt romney to barack obama, the republicans commissioned what was called loosely "the autopsy" of the republican party, what was wrong and what they had to do next. if there was an autopsy of the democratic party, what would it say? >> what it would say is the
run, the democratic party by what i call a liberal elite ( applause ) >> stephen: do you consider yourself a liberal elite. >> no, i don't. good meaning people, they're not enemies. but the party has to transform itself to be a party that, first of all, opens the door, that is a party that feels the pain of working class people, of middle class, of y brings people into the party on virtually every issue that i talk about in that book, the vast majority of the american people are on our side. trump's views are a minority. people do not think we should give tax breaks to billionaires. they believe we should raise minimum wage and have pay equity for women. they do believe we should make public colleges and universities tuition-free. so our job now, and this is terribly important at this
what you do is get involved heavily into the political process. when millions stand up and fight back, we will not be denied. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i want to ask you two questions here to close. they are sort of related questions. the first one is what is the best case scenario you see going forward? in what areas could yourself and leading people to cooperate with the goals of the trump campaign? >> the best-case scenario is that trump is not an idealogue. his views are all over the place. the good news is that when millions of people say to him, you know, mr. trump, what you're
actually hear those things. that's the good news. the bad news, which is probably the second part of the question -- >> stephen: the second part of the question is what's the worst-case scenario. >> i'll tell you the worst case -- >> stephen: keep it light. it's late-night tv. >> i wish i could, but this is the worst case. the worst case, if not trump himself, people around trump are saying, hmm, let's see, we've got the house, the senate, we've got the white house, to have the supreme court, we're going to change the rules of the game so we don't lose anymore. that means you have this disastrous united states supreme court decision that allows billionaires to buy election. they could do away with finance campaign laws so if someone says, here is $500 million, you're running for the united states senate from new jersey. i own you, here is your script. that's what koch brothers and
party want. on top of that they will move forward more vigorously in suppression to make it harder for people to vote. unleash billionaires to buy elections, make it hard for millions of people to participate, they think they can control this government indefinitely. that's the worst case. our job is to bring tens of millions of people together to say number one this country is democracy. number two, you're not going to split us up by attacking our moments friends or gay friends or women or anybody else. we're going to stand together and fight for a government and economy that works for all of us. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you for being here! the book is "our revolution,"
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! welcome back to the laboratory. my next guest is author and food network star. now he's bringing his talents to broadway. please welcome alton brown! ( cheers and applause ) thank you for being here. >> thank you very much for having me. >> stephen: alton, i associate you with food, and what is is this and does homeland security snow about it? >> they do. we had a hard time getting it through the tunnel but they know about it now. this is my ice cream maker. it makes ice cream in a way no other does. may i explain. >> stephen: please do. i don't know what i'm talking about. >> an ice cream maker -- don't touch! has gone into this water type fire extinguisher.
when the gas leaves that, the temperature will drop to 100 degrees below zero, creating a gallon of ice cream in ten seconds. wait, even more! >> stephen: you've invented dip and dots. >> no, because they're not going to be dots. it's going to be carbonated ice cream. >> stephen: hold on! what? >> carbonated ice >> i have co2. >> stephen: i understand. what flavor? >> it's funny you mention that. sometimes in culture one has to learn to swallow something one does not like. >> stephen: yes. and for me that something is pumpkin spice latte. ( cheers and applause ) just have -- i freaking hate pumpkin spice latte. i despise it. >> stephen: you're going to make it tonight.
will make it better. i've already placed a gallon of pumpkin spice latte in the tank now. >> stephen: anything else pumpkin colored in the news right now you don't care for? ( cheers and applause ) >> we'll have some safety here, some goggles on. >> stephen: okay. this thing sometimes -- can you guys move back any more tan you are? because that's a nice hat. ha this? >> stephen: only when i was breech birthing a heifer. >> that's what these are used for. these are large animal vet gloves. you reach into a cow -- >> stephen: no! we're going to get the ice cream right out of the cow! >> these gloves are extremely expense "saturday night live" really? >> which is why i bought them used but i washed them thoroughly. >> stephen: this is the least
seen. >> stand here. >> stephen: you don't have gloves. >> i'm at the angry end, you're at the wet end. ( laughter ) have you ever fired a fire extinguisher before? >> stephen: yes. was there an actual fire or were you torturing a cat? >> stephen: no, i wasn't tore tore -- torturing a california there was no fire. >> i was 16. really squeeze it. >> stephen: how are we doing on fine? >> fine. it will happen quickly. >> stephen: this takes place in ten seconds. >> yes, but i need you the stand there -- everything is fine, i mean, usually it's fine. so i'm going to pull out the pan, thus arming the system. stephen, i need you to focus. stephen, on me. ( laughter ) i'm going to count down from three. three, two, one, we're both going to fire.
squeeze. >> yes, three, two, one, uh, squeeze. >> stephen: okay. i'll couldn't and yell stop, at which point you will release the device. this is so important you get that part right. because when things go wrong with this it's because of that. so are we clear. >> stephen:. >> stephen: i'm so ready. ready? ( cheers and applause ) >> this almost never fails. but when it does it's really three, two, one! ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! stop! ( cheers and applause ) all right, stephen, come over here. now, the reason you're wearing these gloves is because this vessel is now about 100 degrees below zero and if i handle it, i'm going to get frostbite.
times. no, no, no! no! okay, see this, just turn it over a couple of times. i need to check the seals. okay, we're good. >> stephen: okay. i'm going to untape the seem while you keep this from jumping off the track. ready? >> stephen: yes. not hold on literally, just keep it in the track. >> stephen: okay. take it off? ( cheering ) >> whoa, whoa, whoa! >> stephen: sorry. what did i do? >> just keep it there for a second, stephen, just put your hands on there. that could have gotten out of hand really fast. hold this. there we go. all right, now -- >> stephen: you're going to be the scariest grandpa ever. ( laughter ) i've got enough. >> no, you don't. here we go.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be anna kendrick mahershala ali, and chris gethard. now stick around for james corden and his guests, gina rodriguez and idina menzel. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the