tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 15, 2012 12:00am-1:05am PDT
sleeping. we're online at abc news.com. jimmy kimmel is up next. judge tonight on jimmy kimmel live. johnny depp. >> some of the ladies in attendance believe there's a chance you'll make love to him. >> i was hoping you and i could try. >> casey wilson. >> you're sitting in the chair johnny depp just sat in. >> and music from silver sun pick-ups. >> did you have a favorite teacher growing up? >> mrs.
>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, johnny depp, casey wilson, and music from silversun pickups. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thank you for coming.
all right. and there's more excitement in the room than usual. are any of you here tonight hoping to make love to johnny depp? [ cheers and applause ] >> i'll let him know, give him time to clear out his schedule. johnny depp is here. he's such a great actor. most of you probably don't even realize that he's in this room right now, playing the role of our security guard, guillermo. that's right. you're incredible, johnny, thank you for coming. >> thank you, you're incredible too. >> jimmy: thank you very much. today also happens to be national teachers' day. do we have any teachers in the audience tonight? oh, one? [ laughter ] we draw a very heavy crowd at the show. guillermo, did you have a favorite teacher growing up?
>> yes, mrs. gomez. >> jimmy: why was she your favorite? >> she was my english teacher. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that explains everything. a special dialect of gomez english that you've been speaking. national teachers' day has been around since 1953. it seems like a great gesture, until you realize there's a national doughnut day that gets more attention. i didn't know there was a national teacher day until today actually. it doesn't get as much attention as it should. hopefully things are starting to change thanks to awareness campaigns like this one. >> i'm a teacher. i'm a teacher. >> i'm a teacher. >> i work hard every day. >> in the classroom and out. >> to educate your kids. >> your kids. >> your stupid, stupid kids. who don't listen, who don't pay attention. >> they text under their desks.
>> they're lazy. >> they don't care. >> they're horrible and fat, super fat. >> because you let them eat crap. >> lunchables? really? you have fat, dumb kids. >> but not the asian kids. >> you raise them poorly. >> now i'm supposed to fix it. >> you fix it. >> you know, your little genius can't even name a foreign country. >> one country in the whole world, pandora. >> pandora's not a country. it's a made-up planet from a movie. >> but your kid thinks it's real because it was in 3d. >> that's how stupid your kid is. >> and it's my fault because i should have taught them better. >> blame the teacher. >> haul my ass in for review. >> it's all worth it when i get that big fat paycheck. >> $800 a week. >> maybe i'll take a vacation
this year. >> to motel six. >> we'll have to hold another bake sale. >> yeah, like your kid needs another brownie. >> remember, we don't suck. >> you suck. >> announcer: a message from the kids' teachers. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is appropriate, especially for national teachers' day. justin bieber has revealed he just graduated high school. not regular high school, of course, but instead, he got a ged. he says the reason he got his ged is because his mom wanted him to. he said, at school, usually you have to do a lot of writing and reading. i'm really not into that stuff. are we sure he's canadian? because that sounds awfully american to me. so i guess our baby, baby, baby, is growing up. there you have it, kids, justin bieber is illiterate. you should be too.
there's a new study today from the journal of preventative medicine that's getting a lot of attention today. estimating by the year 2030, 40% of americans will be obese. now is a great time to invest in spanx. earlier we were only 30% obese, but they're expecting that to surge. once domino's figures out how to stuff a pizza inside another pizza. it's supposed to cost us half a trillion dollars in medical every year. i really think these doctors are being too negative. i prefer to think of us, at 42%, having a great personality. [ laughter ] but you seem to be getting fatter and fatter every year, and it's interesting because we used to think the future was going to look like this, but we're starting to realize, instead, it's going to look more like this. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they have to beam them up in two trips.
rick santorum last night finally endorsed his former rival for president. it's the fun part, where people who say bad things about each other, every day, for the last six months, suddenly pretend they're on the same team. it's like a "jersey shore" special. usually they do these on television together, but in this case, santorum made the endorsement on the 13th paragraph of an e-mail he sent out just before midnight last night. sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple cider for dinner. he woke up this morning and said, "i endorsed who?" but in the e-mail, santorum acknowledged his differences with romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. they both like pleated dockers. and even though his initial endorsement did seem half-hearted but he did take it a step further with this ad. he paid for this himself. >> imagine if mitt romney had
been around at the drafting of the constitution. >> you don't just have credibility when it comes to repealing obama care. your plan was was the basic for obama care. >> governor romney has been dead wrong on those issues for years and years and years. >> he is the worst republican in the country to put up against barack obama. >> announcer: rick santorum was just kidding. ha ha ha! >> i'm rick santorum and i approved this message. >> jimmy: he was kidding the whole time. [ cheers and applause ] here's something rick santorum would not endorse. a men's magazine has ranked orlando as the smuttiest city in the united states, meaning orlando consumes the most porn. every other u.s. city coming in a close second. orlando, is that surprising? i don't know. the rankings were based in part on the number of x-rated dvd's
bought or streamed, as well as the google searches for adult subjects. is anyone else concerned about the fact that someone's keeping track of that? either way, i guess this explains why donald duck never wears pants. here's a video orlandoians will like, i think. i don't know who shot this, but a thank him for doing this. apparently he was working and he heard noises. grabbed the video camera and was able to capture this. >> i'm sitting here working and i hear something out my window, so i wanted to go check what it was, and it's two raccoons having sex. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know what, that's how kim kardashian got started, right there. [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: we're now less than a week away from a new season of "the bachelorette." are people still watching "the bachelorette"? and enjoying it? just the teacher. [ laughter ] on monday may 14th, former bachelor contestant emily maynard will begin to find her way through a bevy of men. she's the girl bachelor brad picked a couple years ago. shockingly, the relationship she had before did not work out. abc released some pictures of her new suitors. there are so many of them. it's hard to keep them straight. so to help us all remember them, i thought we'd give them nicknames to figure out who is who. first we have jeff, an entrepreneur from st. george, utah, jef with one f. his nickname will be "boy band." next we have kalon, a luxury brand consultant from houston. he will be known as "gumby lips." this is chris, a corporate sales director from illinois. from now on, he will be known as
"craiglist killer." [ laughter ] this is michael, a rehab consultant from texas. we'll call him "lady hair." this guy is a merchant from brazil, named alessandro. his nickname will be "bangs." this bachelor hopeful is randy. a marketeting manager from wisconsin. he will be called "vesty mcdimples." here we have alejandro, a mushroom farmer from colombia. he will be "drug lord." a real estate consultant from laguna beach. he'll be known as "lotion hands." here we have travis, a sales rep from madison, mississippi. we'll call him "no rose johnson." ryan, a sports trainer from augusta, georgia. "meat pocket" will be his nickname. and finally brent from texas, a technology salesman from
midland, texas. let's just call him "brent." all right. good luck, emily. right now my money is on "meat pocket." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. that's what it's all about right there. abc has released a preview clip of the first episode of "the bachelor." first episodes are my favorite because the guys come in and are desperately trying to do anything they can to make a strong impression. sometimes they write songs or bring gifts. >> i wanted to give you something that shows who i am. >> okay. >> this is actually a bobblehead of myself. >> yeah, that's so awesome, can i keep it? >> it's yours. >> really? >> and i got one of you as well. >> no, you did not. >> they've been through a lot already. you know what makes a great bachelorette next season?
this woman. have you been following this story? this is also doll-related. patricia krencil, who is known as deep-fried, cancer lady, she was accused of letting her daughter use a tanning booth last week. she denies it, saying she'd never do anything like that. she's saving all of the sun's raies for herself. she's been getting a lot of attention. so much so that someone is now selling patricia krencil merchandise. >> now the so-called tanorexic mom has her own action figure. it retails for about 30 bucks. >> jimmy: what an incredible likeness. basically they stuck a troll head on a barbie. while we're on the topic of moms, mother's day is on sunday. still time to learn how to fry an egg. mother's day is the day on which we honor the woman who gave birth to us by grabbing a bouquet of wilted flowers from the drug store.
when i think of mother's day, i think of gary busey. this afternoon he was kind enough to share his thoughts and we thought that we would share them with you, too. ♪ >> got to tell francis that i'm not a librarian. >> there, now, we go. mother's day. one of the most special days of the year for your mother, and you. when you play your cards right, to make your mother happy. one way to make your mother happy is, get her a box of heart-shaped chocolate -- i started to say meatballs, but it's candy. what we do is, we get some vodka, take a syringe, you bring vodka into the syringe.
look at that. that's vodka. [ laughter ] >> slide that over. then take out a piece of candy. and you insert the syringe into the candy. then you put in the vodka. by the time your mother eats all this candy, she'll be dancing on the roof naked. da da da da, weee, weee, thank you, mama! that's one way to have a good time with your mom. but don't throw her like i did. she might hurt herself. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: excellent advice. thank you, gary. we got a good show for you tonight. from "happy endings," casey wilson is here. we have music from silversun pickups. and we'll be right back with johnny depp, so stick around. [ cheers and applause ]
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and only claritin is proven to keep me as alert and focused as someone without allergies. ♪ it's gonna be bright bright sunshiny day ♪ live claritin clear with non-drowsy claritin. >> jimmy: thanks for coming back. you picked a good night to break curfew. tonight on the program, from the show "happy endings" here on abc, casey wilson is with us. and then, a terrific band from right here in l.a. this is their new album. it just came out today. it's called "neck of the woods." silversun pickups from the bud light stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, we'll be joined by steve harvey, dev patel, and have music from glenn frey. and on thursday, dr. phil and music from carrie underwood. so join us for that. our first guest is a superb and multi oscar-nominated actor who wears hats, patches, and scissors on his hands because he loves us and wants us to be happy. starting friday, you can see him play a 200-year-old vampire named barnabas in the new tim burton movie, "dark shadows."
please say hello to johnny depp! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so there he is. calm down, you animals. there seems to be some confusion here, as some of the ladies in attendance believe that there's a chance you will make love to them. [ cheers and applause ] there's not, right? >> i was hoping you and i could. >> jimmy: i'm game for anything. whatever. >> let's go! >> jimmy: it's great to have you
here. i love "dark shadows," by the way. i think you guys did a fantastic job with that. [ cheers and applause ] i loved that show when i was a kid. i kinda loved it and was scared of it at the same time. >> exactly. >> jimmy: but frozen row was a soap that aired on abc. started in black and white. >> yep. >> jimmy: did you watch it when you were a kid? >> as everyone sprinted home to watch it. you know, just because it was -- talk about alternative programming. you basically had things like "all my children" and all that stuff. suddenly there was this gothic soap opera that included vampires and werewolves and guys with their eyes sticking out. >> jimmy: a few years ago, i was telling people about the show and i felt like they didn't believe me. it was a vampire show. it was a soap opera on every day in the afternoon. >> from '66 to '71. >> jimmy: it was a strange show. >> very strange. >> jimmy: i guess it makes sense
that a young johnny depp would watch. >> i was obsessed. you had your premiere last night. >> yes. >> jimmy: and you had some impressive musical guests. normally they have a d.j. playing lady gaga songs. >> right. she wasn't available. so we had alice cooper instead. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: alice cooper. >> and steven tyler and joe perry from aerosmith. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and you, too. >> and i was, you know, lucky enough to be invited up on stage as well. >> jimmy: is that the best, i mean, is that like as much fun as it gets for you? >> oh, yeah. it's surreal as anything because i started out as a musician. these guys were my heroes. >> jimmy: you moved to l.a. to be in a band? >> yes.
>> jimmy: do you keep in touch with those guys? >> oh, yeah, we're still pals and play together now and again. >> jimmy: you do? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's fun. what's the name of that band? >> many years ago, we were called "the kids." >> jimmy: that's a great name. that's why boys ii men ran into some trouble. they became men and then it was weird. i don't like to name names, but i ran into one of the beatles, one of the surviving beetles, and the next day he told me he was getting together with you to jam. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and that was paul mccartney. [ cheers and applause ] and i was very curious as to how that happens. >> well, it doesn't happen often. >> jimmy: do you invite him? >> it is a rare occurrence.
we've known each other on and off over the years. he's always been a real gentleman and somebody that i admire greatly. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i did a music video with him. he called me up and said, why don't you come by, we'll have breakfast and maybe just jam, punk around. and you'd go. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> so i went, and yeah, we did just that, sat around with guitars and played. >> jimmy: did you feel like that was his way of thanking for doing his video? >> there was no coherent thought. it was just enough to get my fingers to stay on the neck of the guitar. >> jimmy: were you nervous? >> i was mesmerized. he's written some of the most beautiful music in the history of music. >> jimmy: you have some of the greatest friends. i mean, i don't know they're your friends, but i assume from
what we read and see, hunter thompson. i've read some of the stuff you've written about hanging around with him and just the crazy, unbelievable stuff that you do together. marilyn manson is a friend of yours. >> yeah, very close friend. >> jimmy: is it true he performed at your son's tenth birthday party? >> he did. [ cheers and applause ] he was amazing. he was like -- >> jimmy: what do you do for 11? you can't go back to the bouncy castle. >> no, i'm afraid the bouncy castle is over. i'll end up with a bouncy castle. >> jimmy: how did you meet? >> we met a long time ago. we actually met when he was an extra. we shot in miami on "21 jumpstreet." we met briefly then. i think he was brian warner then. >> jimmy: wow. >> and then, you know, we ended
up hooking up out here, i don't know, 12, 14 years ago or something. >> jimmy: we know about your famous friends -- we think we know about it. but of all of your friends, who is the most remarkable, would you say? and it doesn't have to necessarily be anyone famous, but just a list of guys you hang -- keith richards, marilyn manson, hunter thompson, who's the nut of the bunch? >> i mean, boy, i've been so lucky to have met these heroes and become friendly with them and have them, to some extent, take me under their wing. it's probably a combination, i would say, of marlon brando, and keith richards, and -- >> jimmy: that's quite a combination. [ laughter ] >> and then hunter. >> jimmy: and who is the most fun to hang out with of those three guys? >> i mean, in terms of, you
know, fun, hunter was always the sort of, like, he called it "the too much fun club." and you never knew what to expect. one minute you'd be building a propane tank bomb with nitro glycerin, and shooting it with a nickel-plated 12-gauge shot gun. then the next night you're careening down some strange road outside of colorado at a high speed. >> jimmy: do you feel like he planned these things for you, like, oh, when john gets here, we're going to -- >> no. one night there was, i guess don johnson was one of hunter's neighbors near where he lived. >> jimmy: this is going to be great. wherever this goes, i have a feeling it's going to be great. >> oh, it's good. it was 3:00 a.m. and hunter said, "johnson just called, he's coming over, we must ambush him."
[ laughter ] and when you're with hunter, it's not like you go, "what?" you just go, "of course, we do." so we grabbed some weapons. and we loaded them up, and we sort of snuck outside and hid behind bushes on either side of the driveway, so that when johnson came pulling in, we started firing up into the air. [ laughter ] >> pulling the trigger as quickly as we possibly could. he didn't come in. >> jimmy: johnny depp is here. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ g to blopeople away... starting with the guys who built it. i haven't driven it yet. i'm going to try take it easy and warm up slowly.
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>> dicky: if you're going to be in the l.a. area and want to see the show, call 866-jimmy-tix or go to jimmykimmellive.com. >> dicky: get the new "jimmy kimmel live" app and see what you've been missing. search "jimmy kimmel" in the itunes app store or go to jklapps.com to get it now. dale! ♪ ♪ ♪ [ pitbull ] get the party started. dale!
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>> sculpted entirely of the most exquisite marble from italy. each joint, containing a single pearl. >> are you stoned or something? >> they tried stoning me, my dear. it did not work. when did they start allowing women of the night out? ah, yes, uncanny, is it not? worth every hour i spent posing. forgive me, my name is barnabas.
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: johnny depp is here. you're wearing some short of fake fingers? >> yeah, it was quite an extensive manicure session. >> jimmy: if i was you, i'd like -- look at a script and grks as long as i don't have to put anything on my face, any kind of wigs, i'm in. but you always seem to be in something. >> i think it's nice to escape a little bit. i mean, in terms of character, and especially, you know, i think the actor's responsibility really is to try something different every time out of the gate. you don't want to bore the audience. >> jimmy: these characters that you've played, i don't know if you're aware, but you hold the record here in hollywood. you have the most impersonators of anyone ever. [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: the one on the end is actually not impersonating you. but that's my cousin, sal. have them just introduce themselves quickly. >> hi, johnny. >> say your name. >> captain jack sparrow. >> it's me, edward. >> barnabas. >> jimmy: barnabas already. >> i'm captain jack sparo. >> and i'm willy. >> jimmy: there are actually two more, and we couldn't find them today. a couple of them have been run over in traffic and what not. listen, we got the real johnny depp here. you guys spend the whole day pretending to be him all the time. you have a good question for him. >> hi, johnny. love you, man. do you approve of my costume, and a scale of one toen, please be honest. thank you.
>> jimmy: what do you think of his costume? >> i give you a ten, absolutely. >> thank you so much. >> he rehearsed that for 20 minutes. >> what about this character here? >> i give you a ten. >> thank you. thank you for the autograph yesterday. you're great. and did you think kim should have come back at the end of edward scissorhands at some point? it's a plot question. >> you know, i'm not sure i saw that film, to be honest with you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: do you not see yourself in movies? i, i, i, yeah, no. >> jimmy: that means you probably see, what, three tim burton movies, right? >> yeah. the ones that i wasn't in. >> jimmy: wow, i would think that tim might be a little bit insulted. >> he likes it. >> jimmy: he does? does he see his own movies? >> he does. he can't avoid it. >> jimmy: are we done with them? >> no, we have three more.
>> forget it. barnabas, you ask a question. >> johnny, i love you. what's it like now, looking back on the hard days? >> the hard days, i always enjoyed the hard days. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you kind of miss the hard days sometimes. do you know the game, draw something, johnny? are you familiar with that? >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: your name was one of the clues. it's like pikzary. death was one of the clues, so they sent us various drawings. it looks like you just graduated in that one. >> that's edward scissorhands. >> that's a good one. >> jimmy: see what else we have here. >> that's pretty good too. >> jimmy: people get serious about this. >> something weird coming up, i'm sure. >> jimmy: well, they're all
pretty weird. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this one is actually great. look at that. how sad it made everyone. this one, i think is when you were -- >> i was small. >> jimmy: the sonic the hedgehog version. i think that's all we have. i tell you what. "dark shadows," terrific movie. thanks so much for coming. johnny depp, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] "dark shadows" opens in theaters friday. we'll be right back with casey wilson. ♪ you've got to be kidding me. sweetie, help us settle this. i say this and this is called southern hospitality. well, i call it the clean getaway. [ scoffs ] you're both wrong. it's the freshy fresh. everyone knows that.
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"castaway." she plays penny on "happy endings" here on abc. please say hello to casey wilson! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, you know, you're sitting in the chair that johnny depp just sat in. [ cheers and applause ] >> nice, ladies. i laugh because i love johnny depp, but i don't feel that for him. only because i know i can't get him. and i have girlfriends that are, like, oh, my god, they're like, i heard johnny's like single. i'm like, you're not getting him. why is that moving anything in you? know your place, ladies. >> jimmy: people are like that. i think you singled the right people out because these two were just staring at him as if they were in a dream or a
trance. >> this is an attractive audience. >> jimmy: it's not usually like that. >> did you bring them in? >> jimmy: we cast him. they don't even speak english. who is the big star that you worked with? >> i worked as an intern for susan sarandon. when i was at nyu. he's clapping for intern. >> jimmy: so -- >> i was at nyu as an intern. my job was to sign her head shots. >> jimmy: really? >> she's a lovely woman, who is very busy, so i would sign her head shots. >> jimmy: wait a minute. you would put her signature. you were a forger? >> yes, i feel i'm calling her out, but, yes, i did. >> jimmy: wow. >> i also made liberal use of her office. >> jimmy: in what way? >> in every way, faxing things,
filing things. it was kind of my own personal office space, which i'm not proud of that, i'm sorry. >> jimmy: you did that and did it end badly? >> it didn't end great, to be honest. i was signing her head shots and she got a lot of fan mail from people on death throw because of "dead man walking. " [ laughter ] and beautiful alerts remember written to -- letters were written to her. she was like just sign susan. then i was reading them and i would sign like best of luck, susan. then i'm like, keep your chin up. you're looking great. i would just offer a few words. i thought, is it so wrong that susan might write this, if she were here? >> jimmy: you were corresponding with prisoners on her behalf?
>> yes, i was. yes, i was. >> jimmy: and wow. how long does this go on? >> not long. i was found out. >> jimmy: oh, they discovered? >> they didn't love it. >> jimmy: who caught you? >> her assistant. >> jimmy: what did he or she say to you? >> get out. [ laughter ] >> they were friendly. >> jimmy: what was your first acting job? >> my first acting job was out of nyu, i went on this print audition and i thought, this is my big break, and it was for a company called zelnorm which is a bloated stomach campaign. [ laughter ] >> and i booked it. i booked it. >> jimmy: it's a medication to -- >> yeah. i have to say, i was my own before and after. it was waursn't like i'm the
before and they bring out an actor. so, yes, i was just very excited. it was $2,000. it's not glamourous, but i called everyone in my family, i booked a bloated stomach ad. >> jimmy: did you take it to see how your stomach, or did you suck it in afterwards? >> i feel like i'm calling everyone out. these people need to be stopped. for the pictures, you drink water. >> jimmy: they inflate you as best they can. >> i don't know why i'm protecting zelnorm, but they did give me my first paycheck. >> jimmy: your show, happy endings is very funny. i've notified a lot of people talking about it. are you enjoying it better than zelnorm? >> yes. >> jimmy: megan mullally plays your mom on the show. >> she does. she's amazing and so funny. i love her. i'm a huge fan. >> jimmy: i remember one episode where you decided you had to have -- you wanted a very gay friend. >> yeah. >> jimmy: at the end, they realized you were your own gay
friend. >> that's exactly right. i wanted the biggest gay i could get and we decided that my character, penny, is the gay man everyone wants in their life. >> jimmy: congratulations on your success coming off is the -- saturday night live. not many people go on to score after that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: when is happy endings coming back? >> we're waiting for our pickup and we're hopeful. >> jimmy: you'll be picked up. [ cheers and applause ] >> congratulations, great to see you. when we come back, music from silversun pickups. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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that you're in my ♪ ♪ hands now if we grew up together ♪ ♪ you would find it's not the same i want to jump inside that picture ♪ ♪ show you what we'll gain ♪ if we can stay here long enough we can play with bloody mary ♪ ♪ say her name into the dark activate our nerve endings ♪ ♪ if we can stay here long enough we can play with bloody mary ♪ ♪ she can chase us through the dark -- activate our nerve endings ♪
♪ if we'll stay -- stay -- stay -- stay -- ♪ ♪ i'll never let them get closer or shower you with any blame ♪ ♪ now we dance in our own picture where the rules have changed ♪ ♪ if we can stay here long enough -- we can play with bloody mary ♪ ♪ say her name into the dark activate our nerve endings ♪ ♪ if we can stay here long enough we can play with bloody mary ♪