tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC July 4, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
i should is -- probably explain my face to those who didn't see last night. obviously, i had a black eye, on saturday, i opened the car door and my face broke open. this morning i filed a restraining order against my car, which is making it difficult to get to work. but i had to get 11 stitches in my cheek. it was a scary moment, because you know, my face is my fortune. i look at it this way, in the rich tapestry of life, good and bad things happen, and all we can do is eat, pray and bleed. the stanley cup, speaking of that, andrew shaw also hit his face on a car door. the blackhawks beat boston, it is a weird thing, that is what happened on the night i lost my
virginity. you guys are here on a fun night, you know, we shut the whole block down for miley cyrus. actually, they're not all here for miley, some of them are here to steal wallets. and then right after her appearance here, miley is going to race from here to catch the flight to new york, performing on "good morning america." tomorrow morning early. either that or she just came up with a very elaborate excuse why she can't hang out with me tonight. this is interesting and somewhat hard to believe, scientists in the uk have discovered that plants do math. they found that plants do complicated calculations to adjust their starch consumption at night so they don't starve. it is the botanical equivalent
of taking fig newtons, the study showing that plants can measure how much starch they store up, then estimate when daylight comes so they can dole it out. the scientists found that marijuana plants, it takes them a lot longer to do the math. but i had no idea that plants could do math. no wonder they always look so bored. it was interesting to hear how they work. >> which means plants do math. i'll take questions, yes. >> how do plants do math? >> they just do, next question. >> how do you know plants can do math? >> they just told me, i asked do you do math, they just told me. >> and ask that ficus, what is 7 x 8. >> look, you guys should just trust me on this. okay, ficus, what is 7 x 8.
56, plants do math. thank you for your time. >> jimmy: appears that they all have american accents. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there is a dangerous new activity that is supposedly becoming popular among teens called smoking alcohol. basically, you smoke alcohol, you put liquor into a bottle and shoot pressurized air into it which turns the alcohol into vapor, and then teenagers inhale it. what ever happened to the good old days of sniffing whiteout and licking a frog's butt? the vapors go directly to your brain, that proves that teenagers are dumb. remember kids, don't drink, smoke, or smoke your drink, because if you do you could end up like this guy, a man in oregon was arrested for drunk driving, it was amusing because
he was wearing this shirt when he got pulled over. judging by his appearance i'm guessing he didn't appreciate the irony. but you know, getting a dwi is never a fun thing but it got even worse. when he met his cell mate, yeah, at least he had the manners to ask. and i wish them well. so big news for regular coffee drinkers, at starbucks today, they raised prices of about a third of their drinks. you know, it is funny this morning, on the way to work, i like starbucks but their coffee is just too inexpensive for me. i wish there was some way they could just change that. sometimes i feel like starbucks is a giant experiment where they were seeing how much we are willing to pay on something we used to get for free. they say they raise prices because the cost of materials and rent goes up. maybe they could consider this, if you buy this blueberry oat
bar for a 1.79, you can sit here for ten hours working on your screen play, is that only here in l.a.? all right, hostess announced that twinkies will be back on the shelf, starting in july. finally, some good news for paula dean. you know, as you may remember, hostess filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy last year, but after restructuring the company and selling off their brands, they're back in the type 2 diabetes. i'm happy to hear that. i like twinkies. i like to stuff them in my swim trunks at the beach. this is kind of amazing. this video was shot in thailand. there is a woman riding a motorcycle of some kind. and flying alongside with her is her pet bird, keeping pace. and then when the bird, which looks like a parrot or something gets tired, it lands on her
handle bars, and then after a brief rest it takes off again. and keeps right up. by the way, is that an animal skull and a rifle? she is the sarah palin of thailand. [ cheers and applause ] and the parrot -- it is actually a scientific reason why the parrot flies alongside her. because it knows if it doesn't, she will shoot it. edward snowden, the guy who blew the whistle on the nsa and their previously top secret operations, is hiding in hong kong. but today, russian president vladimir putin said he is there, at the moscow airport, trying to figure out where to go next. he has been there since sunday.
they have the best cinnabon there at the restaurant. our government wants to extradite him. this case is very complicated especially after all the twilight movies. whether you agree with what he did or not, one thing is for sure. if they want to, the government can listen to our calls and watch us. but i don't know, maybe that is not such a terrible thing. maybe what the nsa needs to do is put a positive spin on this, like this? >> do you feel alone, like no one listens, no one cares? well, now, you have a friend. at the nsa, trained agents are waiting around the clock to monitor your calls and internet activity. so just pick up the phone and say something, anything. and the nsa will be there to listen. 24 hours a day. talk about life, love, or potential national security threats to the united states. maybe we'll even visit in person. >> what is going on? >> what are you doing? i didn't do anything.
>> the nsa, we're [ bleep ] scary. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, we need to take a break, when we come back, we have a special guest, a 7 year-old boy from detroit denied the opportunity to perform at his school talent show. >> eric henze is 7 years old, and he was? >> really excited. >> about the talent show coming up, he perfected his performance, and his month signed the permission slip. >> i said, mom, sign this. >> and that is the first grader's forte. >> body farts by eric henze, he can neck fart, ear fart, leg fart, a pretty good act, real funny. got a call from the principal yesterday morning, she informed me that bodily noises were
inappropriate and would not be accepted in the talent show. >> now the superintendent told me he stands by the decision 100%, saying there is a time and place for everything. and in this case, body farting is frowned upon. >> well, in this case, it isn't. in fact, it is celebrated. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: when we come back we're going to give eric a chance to share his talents live, not in some stupid school talent show, but on tv. all right? miley cyrus and marlon wayans will be here, so don't go away. y southfork ranch in dallas for a cookout with world champion grill master brett galloway. he's serving his guests walmart choice premium steaks. but they don't know it yet. they will. it's a steak-over. steak was excellent. very tender. melts in your mouth. it was delicious.
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>> jimmy: tonight, we have miley cyrus, and marlon wayans, but tonight, we want to introduce you to a young man from st. clair shores, michigan, eric henze, now, eric you're not allowed to perform in your talent show, why? >> because the principal said it was inappropriate. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh, what did you say when you heard this news? >> i said it is not inappropriate, it is really funny. >> jimmy: exactly, exactly, but the principal stood firm and said you may not do this in the school talent show, what did your friends say about this? >> they said i should do it. >> jimmy: now did you do it for them, have your own little talent show? >> no. >> jimmy: so you had nowhere to turn, and here you are right
now. so in a way, you would say i saved your life. you -- what do you want to be when you grow up? >> a cop. >> jimmy: oh really? and when you are a cop, will you arrest the principal who made this terrible decision? >> no. >> jimmy: you will not? why wouldn't you do that? >> because i don't want to like make her mad. because she didn't do that much. >> jimmy: she didn't do that much to make you mad. and you still have to deal with her next year when you go back to school, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you ever get called into her office? >> no. >> jimmy: that is good, but if you do, just give her one of these, do you think fart noises are funny? >> yes. >> jimmy: of course, they're always funny. do you have a girlfriend? >> yes. >> jimmy: oh, you do? >> yes. >> jimmy: is it serious? >> no. >> jimmy: it's not?
does she know about -- does she like your arm farting? >> she does it too. >> jimmy: a match made in heaven. wow, if you guys ever had kids, imagine the noises that would come out. do you feel that arm farting is your right as an american? >> yes. >> jimmy: sure, and to have that right taken away, well, it is a crime. isn't it? >> no. >> jimmy: are you ready to do this? do you want to do it? all right, you're all prepared. you have a special presentation, this is what you would have done at the school talent show, correct? >> yes. >> jimmy: all right, very good, go back behind the curtain, i'm going to introduce you. get in your position, get ready. all right, this is it. now, ladies and gentlemen, jimmy kimmel live talent presents "body farts". with eric henze. >> arm pit fart.
[ loud noises ] >> jimmy: oh, look, you have an assistant. >> leg fart. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i like this, oh, this one needs some external moisture. now, what is this going to be? >> neck fart. >> jimmy: can you hear that? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: spray him a little bit more, are we done with the neck fart? >> ear fart. >> jimmy: wow, guillermo, have you ever seen anything like this in your native land of mexico? >> no, this is my first time. >> jimmy: do you think the
principal should have allowed eric to perform at the school talent show? >> yes >> jimmy: and do you have a big finale for us, eric? >> yes. >> jimmy: what is the big finale going to be? >> freestyle. >> jimmy: oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're doing a great job. you know what? guillermo, you did a great job, too, i'm going to pass on shaking your hand. but i'll give you a fist bump right there. eric henze, everyone, tonight on the program, marlon wayans, we'll be right back with miley cyrus.
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, starting friday you can see him alongside sandra bullock and melissa mccarthy in "the heat," marlon wayans is here. and after that we shut down the street behind our theater for a giant block party performance from miley cyrus on the sony outdoor stage. fans have been lined up since very early this morning. all the way around the block. i don't know, i guess her fans don't have jobs. it is tuesday. what goes on? i'm told miley will be joined by will.i.am for one song too. and then she leaves here right after the show to do good morning america tomorrow. tomorrow night channing tatum will be here, from "the heat" director paul feig will be with us, and we'll have music from pharrell. and on thursday from the nba champion miami heat, dwyane wade, annette bening is with us, from "scandal" tony goldwyn will
be here, and we'll have music from the neighbourhood. our first guest is a former tv star, a multi-platinum recording artist, a best-selling author and achy-breaky progeny. her new single "we can't stop" has 30 million views on youtube in six days and it is available for money on itunes. please welcome miley cyrus. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. >> hello. >> jimmy: i just realized, you're wearing your underpants -- >> i know, have you had somebody sit on your personal couch -- well, maybe not this one -- >> jimmy: yeah, the only one in their underpants on the couch is me. >> your eye looks good -- >> jimmy: yeah, i hit it on the car door --
>> yeah, i heard that before -- >> jimmy: you're not suggesting you had cosmetic surgery? >> no, 100% natural. >> jimmy: well, good to have you here, by the way, if you need somebody to do arm farting? >> i heard, yeah, he is really talented. i saw and heard. he has got base and drums. yeah, i saw and heard. >> jimmy: do you have a hidden talent like that of any kind? >> my talent is not hidden, i'm really good at one thing, i'm good at what i do which is performing. everything else, i can't play sports. i don't really have like hobbies, like i'm not really good at anything. >> jimmy: i heard you had laryngitis, which makes you not good at anything. >> yeah, it makes me want to die, i thought i was never going to dance again. >> jimmy: you have to be careful, what do you do when you have laryngitis? >> i have to stop, take time, i don't like to -- it is amazing
when you really treat your body right how quick it is your body gets back into action. so i'm just trying to be healthy. >> jimmy: do you not talk to anybody when you have it? >> it is always a challenge. my doctor is if you would like shut up, we can get you better. so i had to be quiet yesterday. i was quiet yesterday, but to was -- >> jimmy: the whole day? >> no, for about an hour. i hate being sick, it is the worst. like you have no control over what is happening and what you can do. and especially just these two days, well, kind of tonight with you and the morning with gma -- >> jimmy: this is a bad time to have laryngitis, although, to be honest, all i care about is this show, if you want to have that for that show, it will be fine. i have your video, i wanted to go through a couple -- this video was phenomenally successful. but i wanted to go through and ask you about certain things.
now, first of all is this true that it is based on a night you had with your friends? >> it is inspired by true events, we had one night, the corona pinata bottle. when all the hot dogs were in there, that was for my brother's birthday, and the taxidermy -- >> jimmy: well, let's go through these photos, what is going on here? >> that, i just thought it was cool. i was on line and somebody had a mcdonald's cup, and mcdonald's fries like that. and actually to make that, we had to try mcdonald's and in and out, and in and out works best. >> jimmy: i see, this is not a kind of statement against the fast food industry that it will kill you? >> no, nothing too deep. it's just a cool skull. >> jimmy: looks delicious. next one we have -- >> that actually does mean something. that is supposed to be for the kids, it is like you feel judged. and this is a scrawny deer, to me it seems like he would be judged.
this is him looking at himself in the reflection. he is trying to be all swagged up, that is supposed to be all of my fans. >> jimmy: okay, now, this is -- you -- >> as you can see, my necklace says doll, i'm a doll, so that is -- me making out with a doll version of -- >> jimmy: doll on doll on doll. >> how did you know that? maybe you have your own jimmy kimmel doll at home. >> jimmy: we have one more here? >> got to get the bread, the money, just it is kind of weird, just a little trippy moment. we thought it was symbolic for the money. >> jimmy: basically you went out to eat and then made a movie. >> and then made a movie, exactly. >> jimmy: and another one of your friends, i'm assuming he is a friend, but do you call him
>> i just call him snoop. >> jimmy: how did you and snoop wind up knowing each other? and how did your father allow it? >> i am not really sure. i worked at the studio, they were all working on their project, they sent me ash trays, i really liked it -- the song is called ash tray and heartbreak. and we ended up doing that together. he just kind of became the homey. he comes by the studio and listens to my music. and he is excited about what i'm doing with my career. so that is cool. >> jimmy: and do you guys socialize? >> we're more alike than you would think -- >> jimmy: that is because he is so high -- >> we both are. no, yeah, that is why we get along so well, i guess. >> when you started to talk, did you get a chance to finish mule day?
>> yeah. >> jimmy: what is mule day? >> that was my grandfather's best time of the year, dedicated to donkeys, if you were good you got a little donkey statue, and you got to win those. >> jimmy: and you wanted those things? >> oh, more than anything in the world. mule day, that was like christmas, we have a donkey at home named ior, that my grandfather got us. >> jimmy: so it is mule day -- >> every day is like mule day at the house -- >> jimmy: that sounds like no fun at all. >> jimmy: maybe it is like the story of winnie the pooh, maybe you abandoned mule day and maybe it doesn't go on anymore. >> no, i don't think it is that deep. kids grew up and now nobody cares about the simple joys of like mule day.
like my little sister wants to be on a horse, not on a donkey in nashville. she wants to be on a horse. >> jimmy: i heard you gave a girl, or a woman, i don't know what her age is, she says she is your biggest fan, and you gave her your cell phone number? >> yeah, she is actually flying out, staying with my mom, working for me in the summer. >> jimmy: why? >> because let me tell you, i'm the last to know everything. i didn't know about a schedule today or what time i was going to be here. i didn't even know i was going to sit on the couch and talk to you. i thought we were just going to hang outside. >> jimmy: that is because you hang out with snoop too much. >> we are going on the couch? oh, yeah, so i think, yeah. >> jimmy: and so essentially, you hired one of your stalkers to work for you? >> she is more than a stalker, she is so obsessed, i actually know -- she knows things like
how to break records, i don't know anything, like youtube or whatever. so she knows what has to be done in what amount of time, be number one, break the record -- >> jimmy: listen, i'm giving you my phone number but let's not go crazy with this, and i don't want to talk to you three times a day. >> when i first called her, i called her off my friend's phone, but then ended up texting her all the time. i bet she gets more annoyed than i do. i was like yo, how are we going to make this happen? you got to make the fans trend -- >> jimmy: really? she is controlling your fans? >> yes, she is really amazing. >> jimmy: and will you eventually hire all of your fans? >> i don't know, i could help the economy a lot, if i employed everybody. >> jimmy: you would be homeless, but yes, the economy will be booming. >> exactly. >> jimmy: well, it is good to
see you, you will be singing for us a little later tonight. this is the single, hugely popular. called "we can't stop." miley cyrus, everybody, and marlon wayans. >> portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by sony, introducing the sony vaio pro. even get through the day. so i was honest with my doctor. i told her i'd been feeling stuck for a long time. she said that for some people, an antidepressant alone only helps so much and suggested we add abilify (aripiprazole). she said that by taking both, some people had symptom improvement as early as 1 to 2 weeks. i wish i'd talked to my doctor sooner. [ female announcer ] abilify is not for everyone. call your doctor if your depression worsens or you have unusual changes in behavior, or thoughts of suicide. antidepressants can increase these in children, teens and young adults. elderly dementia patients taking abilify have an increased risk of death or stroke. call your doctor if you have high fever, stiff muscles and confusion to address a possible life-threatening condition.
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>> jimmy: like miley cyrus, our next guest comes from a show business family but his is completely mullet-free. his new movie, with sandra bullock and melissa mccarthy, is called "the heat." it opens in theaters friday. please welcome marlon wayans. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'm good. how are you doing? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i like that, you look very snazzy. >> thank you, it is sean's. >> actually, it was damon, and sean inherited from him. >> jimmy: how is sean, have you broken up with him? what is going on? >> no, we're still together, we just came from dubai, we'll be in las vegas, i know you guys are going to be there, so be there july 27th.
>> jimmy: is it an all-desert tour you're doing? >> well, dubai is like las vegas, but everybody is not half naked, they're clothed. all the girls is all clothed up. it is kind of sexy, it makes you appreciate it. boobies, we appreciate it. but when you just look at this, you get an appreciation. i saw myself sitting there, did you see the lashes on her? dude, look at her ankles, her ankles, i'm hearing that. >> jimmy: and in dubai, is it like that throughout the whole city? are there areas where it is not like that? when they don't wear the burkas? >> oh, there are places where they party. >> there was a man that came out, talked to me about what i could say or not say, it was scary, i thought i was going to spend life in jail for fart jokes, he was like you can't say
the f-bomb, you can't say poop, you can't say nothing. my set is going to be hello, good night. >> jimmy: wow, and you didn't know that was going to be the case before you got there? >> yeah, everybody speaks english, and they party, they're human beings. you know, they party. >> jimmy: did you party with them? >> you know what? i tried not to, they caught me one night, and yes, i did. it is very hard to party with people that are that rich. because bottles keep coming all night long, at one point, it was like give me that bottle, as a matter of fact, give me dom and perignon, you can drink them both. >> jimmy: yeah, they're very wealthy, because of the oil. >> it is bad when you say to yourself, i could rob him, i could take his turbin -- >> jimmy: so you guys go and do
a comedy act, did they enjoy it? >> they laughed a lot. they had fun. you know, and it is funny -- >> jimmy: how can you tell when they're laughing? >> their eyes are doing this. [ gestures ] >> jimmy: now you have expanded the wayans family yourself, you have two kids. >> yeah, i actually contributed to the population. the roaches sit there like, there is a lot of wayans, yeah, i got two kids. >> jimmy: and are they interested in doing this kind of stuff? do they want to be in show business -- have they figured anything out yet? >> you know, my son, he -- my daughter, she definitely wants to do that. she wants to write and perform. but she is like -- i'm like you want to do a show. she is like i want to be a kid. i'm like we'll do that later. my son is really good at basketball. he is like flat-foot jordan.
he is really good, he don't jump high. he is real low to the ground. i feel bad for them -- >> jimmy: he has respect for gravity is what he has. >> i feel bad for them for me being their father. >> jimmy: why do you feel bad? >> because i'm embarrassing. first of all, i give really bad advice, my daughter was getting bullied, i was like first of all, you go to a private school, you're the only black girl in i want to see little megan's bus a private school. pass, and you're supposed to go in there and kick some ass. >> jimmy: this was your advice? >> that was my advice, sometimes you just got to choke somebody out, and then you let them go. i said if you don't want to hit them, go in there and act a fool. i'm like boo, it ain't going down like this, boo! it ain't going down like this! [ cheers and applause ] >> you got to get your atlanta
housewives -- >> jimmy: that is a reality show, a great lesson for the kids. and they're good? >> my son is good, just graduated from sixth grade, from fifth, he is going into sixth grade, once again i embarrassed him. because when they graduate, i get excited. so when he got his diploma, i do this on purpose, he got his diploma. i got up there, i said that is my baby! he is going to be somebody! he is going to be somebody! you smart, you ain't dumb like everybody says. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: your children will equate success with humiliation. and this movie, the nba finals, that is good timing. you play sandra bullock's love interest, which that is a nice deal? >> who wouldn't want to play that. >> jimmy: what is the idea of the film? >> basically it is a female
buddy cop comedy, and it is really funny. finally we get to see females doing it. it is funny, because i think that paul feig, the director, he did a great job of mixing class and crass, melissa goes there, in terms of the jokes. but it is a movie that women and guys will enjoy, a really good movie. >> jimmy: well, excellent, you will be in las vegas july 27th? where will you be? at the airport standing on the city limits? >> the palms casino, with my brother, sean. >> jimmy: all right, there you go, the wayans brothers, and july 27th at the palm. we'll be right back with miley cyrus. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. >> i'm guillermo, i'm going to see if i can survive in the woods, if you're in the woods, you got to protect yourself from wild animals like bears, don't worry, i got the ammo for the bear. follow me, i'm going to hide our jerky, here in a couple of trees so the bears won't eat it. >> okay, guillermo, good luck. >> no good? >> you were very close, guillermo. >> oh, my god. i have another idea. follow me. >> okay. >> we did it. >> good work, guillermo! >> the bears hate fire, so let's build this fire.
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>> jimmy: well, the whole block is shut down for this, here is the new single called "we can't stop," miley cyrus. ♪ it's our party we can do what we want ooh ooh ♪ ♪ it's our party we can say what we want it's our party we can love who we want ♪ ♪ we can kiss who we want we can sing what we want ♪ it's our
party we can do what we want it's our party we can say what we want ♪ ♪ it's our party we can love whi we want we can kiss who we want we can sing what we want ♪ ♪ ooh ooh hey aye ♪ red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere hands in the air like we don't care ♪ ♪ 'cause we came to have so much fun now bet somebody here might get some now ♪ ♪ if you're not ready to go home can i get a hell no ♪ ♪ 'cause we're gonna go all night go until we see the sunlight, alright ♪ ♪ so la da di da di we like to party dancing with miley doing whatever we want ♪ ♪ this is our house this is our rules and we can't stop and we won't stop ♪ ♪ can't you see it's we who own the night can't you see it's we who 'bout that life ♪ ♪ and we can't stop and we won't
stop we run things things don't run we ♪ ♪ don't take nothing from nobody yeah yeah ♪ ♪ it's our party we can do what we want (it's our party we can say what we want ♪ ♪ it's our party we can love who we want we can kiss who we want we can sing what we want ♪ ♪ to my home girls here with the big butt shaking it like we at a strip club ♪ ♪ remember only god can judge us forget the haters 'cause somebody loves ya ♪ ♪ and everyone in line in the bathroom trying to get a line in the bathroom ♪ ♪ we all so turned up here getting turned up yeah yeah ♪ ♪ so la da di da di we like to party dancing with miley doing whatever we want ♪ ♪ this is our house this is our rules and we can't stop and we won't stop ♪
♪ can't you see it's we who own the night ♪ ♪ can't you see it's we who 'bout that life and we can't stop and we won't stop ♪ ♪ we run things things don't run we we don't take nothing from nobody yeah yeah ♪ ♪ it's our party we can do what we want it's our party we can say what we want♪ ♪ it's our party we can love who we want we can kiss who we want ♪ ♪ we can sing what we want it's our party we can do what we want to it's our house we can ♪ ♪ love who we want to it's our song we can sing if we want to it's my mouth i can ♪ ♪ say what i want to say yeah yeah yeah ♪ yeah hey ♪ and we can't stop yeah and we
won't stop oh can't you see it's we who own the night ♪ ♪ can't you see it's we who 'bout that life and we can't stop and we won't stop ♪ ♪ we run things things don't run we don't take nothing from nobody yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ yeah ehh ooh ooh ooh ooh hey ay ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony.
>> jimmy: i want to thank miley cyrus, marlon wayans. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. tomorrow night channing tatum, paul feig and music from pharrell. you can wake up early tomorrow to see her on "good morning america." playing us off the air with the song "fall down," from the album, "willpower" you can see