tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC October 10, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- owen wilson. from the la clippers, chris paul, blake griffin and deandre jordan. "this week in unnecessary censorship." plus music from panic! at the disco. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to the show.
thank you for watching. glad to be here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] last night -- last night's show was kind of exhausting. it was tense. kanye west was here. i won't go over the feud thing again. if you've don't know what happened. you don't care. he was mad. we talked it out. it was uncomfortable at times. in fact we gate huge raot a hug the show last night. so much so i'm thinking of fighting a fight with another celebrity. right now i have it narrowed done to kirk cameron and james vanderbeek. i need to find their weaknesses if any one can help me. do. i want to talk text messaging. i was involved in an incident this morning. soc some one, i won't say who, let's say her name is my mother. texted me at 4:57 a.m. today. it wasn't an emergency. just had some thoughts on the show last night.
she wanted to share with me at 4:57 a.m. and it was not one but five texts. now i don't text, i am not a tesh texter. i get ten texts. where are you. i keep my phone on silent mode always. on my night stand charging. every time the text comes in i hear the buzzing. one buzz, another buzz. hey, i buzzed you. follow-up buzzes. ten buzzes. now i am up wondering what is going on. it must be something important. it was. it was my mother texting to tell me i looked nervous on the show last night. which is a whole another thing. so i am up. my wife is up. and i text back -- it's a bit early for texting. keep in mind, my mother is not on the east coast. she is here in l.a. same time. not one of those, oh, i didn't realize, it's almost 8:00 a.m. by the way, even, 7:57 is too early for me to be texting. so, i am annoyed but i try to be nice. text it its a bit early for
texting. she respond -- i have been up since 4:30. well, my apologies then. i didn't mean to keep you waiting. and by the way, i have no idea why my mother is up at 4:30. she doesn't have a police lace . i just pray she is not hitting the meth again. but who does this? what its this? is this revenge from when i was an infant and i kept her up aup night. i'm sorry, i was a baby. i couldn't help it. i got to work and told some people story. every one had stories about their mother doing the same thing. you know parents are always taking their kids' phones away. once we hit a certain age, we should be able to take their phones away from them. right? [ applause ] and cleto knows this to be true. the problem is that my mother will think it is funny to text me about this tomorrow at 5:00 in the morning. i'm on to you, woman.
don't even think about it. i will not hesitate to put you in a home. i promise you that. [ applause ] hey, by the way -- today was day ten of the government shutdown. at what point do we politely ask canada to govern us. there was some action to day. house republicans offered to raise the debt ceiling for six weeks. but refused to end the shutdown. which was a nonstarter for president obama. at a stand still once again. i will tell you when president obama and john boehner settle this the makeup sex is going to be amazing. if the debt ceiling -- is -- [ applause ] are we applauding still? if the debt ceiling isn't raised by thursday the country won't be allowed to borrow any more money and will be done to $30 billion in cash. china carries that much cash around in theirissued a warning
them $1.3 trillion. if we default on that they have threat tuned cut off our supply of cheap plastic crap made by kids which would beep disastrous. a lot of things are shut down. the cdc is shut down. center for disease control. means they might have to cancel flu season this year. national parks are shut down. nasa is shut down. there is one government building still open. that is the congressional gym. the exclusive gym where congressmen go to work out has reamemained open during all of s quick to point out the gym is not fully operational because towel service is no long ear available due to the shutdown. so, everyone is suffering. >> i worked out today without a towel. >> i worked out today without a towel. >> i went to work wet. >> i tried to use newspapers to dry off. i wouldn't recommend it. >> no towels for me.
>> no towel. >> we go without towels. >> because sacrifices must be made. >> congress, wet because we care. >> any body want to wrestle. >> got to catch me first. >> paid for by money saved furloughing employees. >> this is -- this is pretty great. this is real security camera footage from budapest. a bank robber, see that, running across the screen its a bank robber getting away on foot. and let's time this to see how long it takes the security guard to show up. now i know it looks like the video its paused. it is not. in fact there is a pigeon there in the corner. okay. and let's see -- oh, there he is. almost 14 second. but, he is hot on his heels.
just look our security teike oue at the show. the pigeon had a better chance of catching him. we tried to find out if they ever caught the guy, but we were unable to -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: is that one of our real security guards? >> no. >> jimmy: it wasn't? >> guillermo: actor. >> jimmy: our security guard were too slow. okay thursday night means time for weekly tribute to fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. this week in unnecessary censorship. [ applause ] >> my suggestion to the speaker has been and will continue to be, let's stop the excuses, and let's take a vote in the house, let's end this [ bleep ] right now. >> when it comes to the issue of [ bleep ] our government, the house passed four bills.
>> he wants to [ bleep ] these things and [ bleep ] these things doesn't want to do it piece feel. >> it its this [ bleep ], [ bleep ]er to keeps coming back. >> i wonder how long this [ bleep ] is going to go on. >> i got the privilege as the head football coach to [ bleep ] my players win or lose. >> that is why they say more young singles are now being proactive by asking potential partners for their [ bleep ]. >> the expre are no meetings scheduled between the two side. am sca americans may be forced to swallow a double dose of washington [ bleep ]. >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> robert de niro. just a lot of fun. >> little intimidating initi initially. >> you feel like he is going to put a [ bleep ] in your mouth. >> queen elizabeth had a government shutdown. you know what she did, she [ bleep ] the prime minister and the next day she [ bleep ] every
member of parliament and they never had hey shutdown again. >> what we have here -- just over 30 second. >> jimmy: we are going to take a break! when we come back, this is -- this is some story. in cedar county, iowa, t"the de moines register" reports the state has been giving gun permits to blind people. >> the sheriff of cedar county, east of iowa city, he thinks the law is just fine as is. and with a daughter in college who is blind, he believes those who are concerned don't understand guns or blind people. >> people think that they're going to shoot blindly. >> jimmy: i don't know why they would think that? it's fascinating issue. because on one hand, it doesn't seem like blind people should have guns when maybe that is discrimination. i don't know. maybe we should give them a chance the i rounded up a group of blind people and i took them
a to a shooting range i will snow you what happened when we come back from the break. we've also got owen wilson, from the la clippers -- chris paul, blake griffin and deandre jordan. plus music from panic! at the disco. don't go away! [ cheers and applause ] [ screaming ] [ tires screech ] [ laughter ] [ tires screech ] are you serious?! [ horn honks ] whoo hoo hoo! i had no idea we were capable of doing something like that. made me look at camry different. i'm shaking right now! [ man ] toyota camry. let's go places.
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>> jimmy: three was correct. yes, yes. i think we have to get safety information first. i am going to turn it over to nolan. >> a few things we have to go over before we head up to the range and start shooting. i will be the range safety officer. >> jimmy: can i be the range savy officer? >> the assistant. >> i will give you ear muffs, and safety glasses. >> jimmy: we don't want any bed -- anybody to be deaf too. >> what about firing into the air is that fun? >> itch yf you fire in the air can't see where you hit. we can't score the target that way. get ready off to head up to the range. >> jimmy: let's shoot some guns. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> yeah. ♪
two miles up. we arrived on destination. in front of us is a table of guns. and they are scary looking guns. >> all ar-15 style rifles. >> these are ar-15 rifles, guys. >> same thing they use in the military right now. >> jimmy: same things they use in the military. >> the ones on the end are bloc 19s. >> jimmy: bloc 19s. >> every police department is using the gun now. >> jimmy: just about every rapper in the world has one of those. >> i need all you guys to put your ear protectors on. >> even me, i am not blind. >> we want to make sure you can hear. >> jimmy: all right. >> i insert aid magazine to the gun. i am going to scham were a round and make it ready to fire. keep your hand still. go ahead and place your finger
against the trigger. slowly apply pressure. okay. did you hear where the shot ricochetted back there? >> i was low, huh. >> exactly. that's pretty good. really good. >> so i got your hand here. slowly apply pressure. [ gunfire ] >> jimmy: you nailed it all five through the heart. >> how do you think you did? >> if i believe jimmy i did all right. >> jimmy: got all five through. let's not be. >> that was awesome. >> jimmy: who is next? >> pull the trigger. five bullets right through the heart. >> you want me to do it. >> oh, jeez. >> yes, ma'am. >> jimmy: five for five. incredible. >> good job. >> jimmy: great job. all five for five. >> all right. >> jimmy: jup are a killing machine. don't kill anybody on the way back to the tent.
ladies and gentlemen, you came here today without at built fee to see. and you will leave here today, still without the ability to see. but, as a group of trained assassins. now we are not going to be shooting at paper targets anymore. from here on, we're shooting at the real thing. inflatable pool animals. are you ready to do this? >> yes. >> jimmy: let's get behind them. let's do this. are you ready? marco polo!
>> jimmy: there is one still alive. >> i bet it is the alligator. >> jimmy: i do have one bad bit of news. you shot val. >> my guide dog. >> jimmy: yes, yes. your dog is gone. >> show of hand how many of you think it is okay for blind people to carry guns? >> jimmy: all right. it is unanimous. thank you guys, so much. >> thank you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: who is going to drive you home? >> let's go. [ applause ] >> jimmy: it was fun. some of our -- some of our sharpshooters are here tonight. there is lynn and maria and rick and our instructor nolan. you had fun, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you had fun, right?
>> definitely. >> jimmy: are you enjoying your front row seats? >> looks good from here. >> jimmy: thank you, guys for doing that. hey, we have a good show tonight. from the clippers, chris paul, blake griffin, and deandre jordan are here. we have music from panic! at the disco. and we'll be right back with owen wilson. stick around [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] maybe you've already heard what they're saying about the nissan altima. ♪ and we have to admit, that it's all true. but don't just take their word for it, check it out for yourself. the award-winning nissan altima. nissan. innovation that excites. now get a $179 per month lease on a 2013 nissan altima. ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the program, they open their regular season against the lakers october 29th on tnt -- from the los angeles clippers, chris paul, blake griffin, and deandre jordan are here. and then, their brand new album is called "too weird to live, too rare to die!" from fabulous las vegas, panic! at the disco from the sony outdoor stage. we've got some fun guests for you next week. kerry washington will be here, as will woody harrelson, danny mcbride, johnny knoxville, julianne hough, ke$ha, our friend "science bob" pflugfelder will join us. and we'll have music from ben rector, ariana grande, arctic monkeys and sleigh bells. our first guest is the sole link between the words "focker," "dupree," "tenenbaum" and "marley." he's a great actor and lovely fellow whom you can hear give voice to a turkey named reggie
in the new 3d animated film "free birds." it opens in theaters november 1st. please welcome owen wilson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: doing all right? >> good, thank you. >> jimmy: mentioned your buddy woody harrelson. you live next door in maui. >> not next door, maybe a 15-minute drive. >> jimmy: thought you wore on top of each other there. >> some times feels that way. >> jimmy: is that right. i want to ask you about the poker games you have. whose house are the poker games at? >> yeah, we have a poker game there. we have it some times at willie nelson's house, and some time at don nelson, the basketball coach. yes. >> jimmy: great basketball coach. real nelson-fest going on there.
this is a painting that i, i really want to ask you about that depicts, well there is you. >> yes. >> there is willie in the middle. >> right. >> don nelson there. >> they're looking at my cards. >> right. >> jimmy: who else is in the picture? >> you kind of see woody back there with the hemp beanie there. >> jimmy: okay, that's woody. who painted this? >> well don nelson commissioned an artist on maui to paint this. and at first it seemed like a nice gesture, okay, that's nice we will all get a painting. you weren't going to be given the painting, you had to pony up $1,000 for the size, then it was $1,500 and for the larger size. i think nellie cleared like $25,000 on the painting. he kept adding people too, so it was like, basically anybody who would put up the money got added. this is actually an old painting. now there is a lot more people
up here. basically, if saddam hussein had given him $1,500, he'd be playing card right there. >> jimmy: running a real racket there. i don't think i have seen a painting from maui that doesn't have a sea turtle in it. a rarity. what goes on? all guys. i don't see any women in this, at these poker games? >> that isn't a rule. but it does tend to be mostly guysment a guys. all guys. willie nelson's wife annie has a poker game. nice to contrast. their game is a lot of laughter and penny ante, a good feeling. our games there is a lot of arguing, and tearing up the card. a lot of good laughs. people can get -- >> jimmy: who is the worst in the group? >> i some times think woody can get on my nerves. i'm sure he thinks i get on his nerves. if you are, won't know the rules to the game. or he will start lecturing me. i will have a slice of pizza. he likes dude, that gluten is
going to kill you. or even like having a glass of milk sometimes, i'll have to take the edge off. he was telling me, he was telling me, you know we're the only animal that drinks another an ma' animal's milk. i was look at first i thought, well that is kind of heavy. that is a real checkmate argument. that he had. i was looking thinking we are also the only animal has is loading pot into a bong too! >> jimmy: right. >> which by the way you shouldn't do when you are playing card on maui. >> jimmy: must be why woody is forgetting the rules. what about willie do you hang out outside the poker games or exclusively there? >> no, i see willie. we play domino's or -- we also talk about doing a western all of us together. i'll see him out here in california. there is actually where we both had to go to the dmv together.
and -- his wife annie had set it up for us to both go in there. i was getting a california driver's license. and, willie had to get a california id. yeah. and -- we go in there and -- >> jimmy: i would pay $10,000 to videotaped this by the way. >> we were kind of dressed up. felt like a school picture day. annie made us to get dressed up. trying to get to us be focused on the test. >> jimmy: a test. >> a long written test which was it was not easy. in fact it was only, we didn't pass the first time around. it was only when willie asked, it was very nice dmv lady if we could make the second test open book. and that -- that kind of helped. but even open book wasn't easy. we had to get annie to kind of pitch in. >> jimmy: you can't get, get people to pitch in, when you are taking the test. >> this lady was nice enough to
allow it. >> jimmy: did willie try to roll the test up and smoke it at any pin th point. i didn't want to bring you down. i know you wanted to mention that a friend of yours, passed away today. >> yeah, he passioned away. he was 94 years old. he was in all these movies with us, beginning with "bottle rocket" i met him in dallas when weep were just beginning. >> jimmy:en a lot of yo ein a l movies? >> great guy. great life. performing right to the very end. we are going to miss him a lot. >> jimmy: great if you painted him into the painting. . >> i might have to pay, that would be a nice honor. >> jimmy: nice gesture. we'll take a break. when we come back, owen wilson is here. we have the clippers and panic at the disco too! we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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>> i'm the pardoned turkey. i'm the pardoned turkey. i'm going to live! i'm going to live! i'm the pardoned turkey! this is blowing my mind! >> jimmy: that is owen wilson as the pardoned turkey in "free bird" which is on, the kids movie obviously. that looks fun, is your son old enough to appreciate his dadden a movie look this? >> he is. he helped choose that clip. he watched it -- he watched it four times. he did? >> he really loved it. >> how old is he? >> coming up on three. it its just starting to dawn on him. the other day he wanted to watch his caliau show. i am flipping the channels. it was me in a movie. he sees it. he was like, dada? like what the [ bleep ].
when are you going to tell me about this one? you are on tv. >> jimmy: it is something you probably should have shared. i don't want to get too political. what do you think of the government shutdown? have you been affected by it? >> i don't think you have to get too political. regardless of what you think about obama care, your heart just goats oes out to an one th doesn't have health insurance. >> jimmy: yeah, a tough situation. >> look, i know you are not chris matthews, this isn't hardline. >> there is no such thing as hardline. >> you know what i am saying, people are suffering. >> jimmy: i know, people are suffering. >> and here we are just kind of gabbing away about hollywood and movies, and you would love to, it just feels kind of superficial. you would love to do something, i don't know. i'm look a journeyman actor. you are a celebrity. i would love to use your, juice or heat to do some good or something. >> jimmy: yeah, well, okay.
how, how would we do that? >> i'm going to do all the heavy lifting. well what about like a public service announcement. something that kind of got the word out about kind of getting care for people that need it. >> jimmy: okay. yeah, i have to check my schedule. >> no, no. we are not going to do any check the schedule. that's jimmy kimmel -- >> jimmy: i'm just saying, if at some time i would be interested in doing that. >> what about, let's do it snow. >> jimmy: do what now? >> do the public service announcement. carpe diem. could i get a little music. yeah, frame me up. perfect. >> jimmy: what are you doing. >> just roll with it jimmy. every day in this country american citizens go without necessary health care solely because they lack insurance. hi, ic'm owen wilson. say your name. >> jimmy: they know what my name
is. it's my show. >> not right now it isn't. it's a psa. say your name. come on for the kids. it's look pulling teeth with you. >> jimmy: just say it here. >> whisper it it gives it that gravatas. >> jimmy: i'm jimmy kimmel. >> did you know in 2012, 47 million nonelderly americans lacked health insurance. did you know that, jimmy? >> jimmy: no, where did you get an easel. >> i've got props, it will blow your mind. these uninsured come from every race, ethnicity and every part of the country. i will tell you another thing, many are children. little children. ninos. they're ordinary americans. americans like bill anderson. bill anderson here needed expensive hospitalization after his parents ignored his flu symptoms. [ cough ] you hear that jimmy. >> jimmy: it's terrible. >> they're the people like the
garretts who couldn't pay for basketball bob's heart medicine should that happen in a country as rich as ours? jimmy? >> jimmy: it shouldn't. >> deon't take my word, take it from an 18 time nba all-star, kareem abdul-jabar. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> hi, i'm 19 time nba all-star kareem abdul-jabar also the leading scorer in the league. every american should have access to health care. so let's stop all the bickering and start working together to make america a healthier place for all. i call that a slam dunk. i call it a slam dunk too, kareem. won't you join me, kareem, the jimmy kimmel, choir and panic at
the disco on calling for health care for everyone. ♪ show the world we care jimmy, jimmy. ♪ all of us together ♪ difference and won't you join me and jimmy in calling for health care for all. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> i think -- >> jimmy: i don't know what happened there. >> i think some one feels a lot better now. >> jimmy: you know you are right. >> i think we got some one to stop thinking ab ing ing about second and everyone out there. it made a difference.
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so, what do you say? thanks... but i think i got this. ♪ [ male announcer ] the all-new cla. starting at $29,900. >> jimmy: together, our next guests have transformed their once-dismal franchise into something much harder for me to make jokes about. they are the reigning pacific division champion. from your los angeles clippers, please welcome chris paul, blake griffin and deandre jordan. [ cheers and applause ] are those leather jogging pants.
>> the ones kanye was talking about. >> jimmy: the ones. >> wore them for you. you look them a lot. i decided to wear them. >> jimmy: did you have to make them special. skin a buffalo? >> two buffalos. a lot of ventilation through here, it is good. >> jimmy: how you doing? feel good about the season. blake how is your knee doing? >> it is good. functioning. >> jimmy: okay. chris, shouldn't you be home tweeting abut sc ing ing about ? >> had to check the time of the show to make sure i didn't miss it. i have to get home and watch scandal. >> jimmy: good. this summer we dent know if you guys would all be returning to the team. did you know the whole time, returning to the team? >> of course. >> jimmy: you did? did your new coach have a lot to do with that? >> he did. he did. our new coach, doc rivers, we're all excited about him. >> jimmy: and how does it work with you guys when you have a new coach as a player, is there a meeting? do you get calls individually?
how does it work? >> when weep meet him for the first time? >> jimmy: yeah, when he first gets hired and it is the off-season. >> i got a phone callment . he left a voice mail. hey, this is doc rivers, your new coach. and i said, yeah. >> he said that to the voice mail? >> jimmy: did you guys get calls also? >> i didn't get a call. only blake got a call. >> jimmy: he knows blakes from all the commercials probably. >> jimmy: we have video, de andre, want to ask you about the video. this is from last year. >> it is a crazy, humiliating dunk. do you feel bad for the guy you are duone ticking on, when something look that happens. look at the kids going nuts here. >> jimmy: blake is going nuts. blake is like, that's what i do! the assist.
and the dunk. how many times have you watched that video? >> i watch it a lot. >> jimmy: i would watch it 30 times before i want to sleep every night. >> i watched it before i came on the show. >> jimmy: do you guys, is that something that gets you guys extra excited? does it feel like it add to the energy of play? >> you know, jimmy i play below the rim. i play below the rim. so i sort of live through these guys. >> jimmy: okay. >> i felt just as much a part of that dunk as he did. >> jimmy: do you apologize to the guy you dunk on at that time? >> jimmy, absolutely not. >> jimmy: there is a new uniform you will be wearing on sundays this year, what do you think of these? blake, by the way, you have to be a little more careful about how you hold the microphone in those situations. you too, deandre.
>> jimmy: this' is in his mouth almost. >> watch it. be cool. be cool. >> jimmy: they look like pajamas to me. >> i think i look like a big soccer player. >> jimmy: yeah, you look like the biggest soccer player ever. >> jimmy: i have some other, oh, there is deandre as the -- >> my gosh. the eagles super hero. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what was the story of this? some kind of a costume party? >> jimmy: and blake is drelssed as, is this halloween last year? >> it was a super hero costume party. i just thought it was look super in general. >> bane its not. >> now i realize that. >> jimmy: you went as a villain. will you be dressing up for halloween, costumes or play on
halloween? >> i think we play on halloween this year. you should come to the game. >> jimmy: by the way all the jerseys and stuff going on. why don't you wear costumes. wouldn't it be great to watch a game that all the players are in costumes for halloween. i mean, couldn't wear like one of the plastic masks from the supermarket you wouldn't see. but i mean snow white and the seven dwarfs running around. >> you want to see a bunch of men playing in costume. >> jimmy: yes, i do. and i would loike to shower wit you guys also. you open the season against the lakers, you beat the lakers, four games to none last year. are you, do you feel look they're going to beg. gunning for you in particular or do you have their number? >> same division, first game. both teams will be excited. we'll see. >> good answer. >> jimmy: you don't seem that excited. >> we will be when the time comes. >> jimmy: when the time comes. all right, congratulations. i hope you have a great season. get it fired up.
>> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank owen wilson, chris paul, i want to thank our pals, i apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. but first -- this is their new album, "too weird to live, too rare to die." here with the song, "miss jackson," panic! at the disco. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ climbing out the back door didn't leave a mark ♪ ♪ no one knows it's you miss jackson found another victim but no one's gonna find ♪ ♪ miss jackson jackson jackson hey-ay-ay-ay ♪ ♪ you put a sour little flavor in my mouth now you move in circles ♪ ♪ hoping no one's gonna find out but we're so lucky ♪ ♪ kiss the ring and let 'em bow down looking for the time of
your life ♪ ♪ ain't always gonna find out ♪ a pretty picture but the scenery is so loud a face like heaven catching lighting in your nightgown ♪ ♪ but back away from the water babe you might drown ♪ ♪ the party isn't over tonight ♪ hey ay-ay-ay-ay where will you be waking up tomorrow morning ♪ ♪ hey ay-ay-ay-ay out the back door damn but i love her anyway ♪ ♪ hey-ay-ay-ay-ay i love her anyway hey-ay-ay-ay-ay love her anyway ♪ ♪ are you out there are you out there i love her anyway ♪ ♪ oh whoa whoa where will you be waking up tomorrow morning ♪ ♪ hey ay-ay-ay-ay out the back
door but i love her anyway ♪ ♪ miss jackson miss jackson miss i love her anyway ♪ ♪ let me say it one more time ♪ hey ay ay ay ♪ where will i be waking up tomorrow morning ♪ ♪ out the back door but i love her anyway ♪ ♪ hey-ay-ay-ay-ay i love her anyway hey-ay-ay-ay-ay ♪ ♪ out the back door but i love her anyway ♪ ♪ miss jackson miss jackson miss jackson are you nasty ♪ are you nasty ♪ ♪ miss jackson miss jackson miss jackson are you nasty ♪ i love her anyway ♪ ♪ oh oh oh where will you be waking up tomorrow morning ♪ ♪ oh oh