tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC January 2, 2014 11:35pm-12:36am PST
dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, colin farrell, from "criminal minds" jeanne tripplehorn. and music from megadeth. with cleto and the cletones. and now you'd better believe it, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you for being here tonight. you know, there are only eight
days left until christmas, or 12 if you filed for an extension. i tell you, it's really amazing how popular baby jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on facebook. i finished my christmas shopping over the weekend. i know, i hate me, too. i buy a lot of gifts but i keep it simple. i go to gweneth paltrow's website and buy. and then pass them around. the holiday spirit is in fifth gear. santa con is an event at which everyone dresses like santa and goes on a pub crawl. it is in the name of charity but mostly to get drunk. santas got in a fistfight. i don't know why they were
fighting but they were fighting. i have no idea why. how do they know who is fighting? >> you talk about a santa fight? that's what you want. >> he's right. on numerous occasions when i talked about a santa fight, that is exactly what i wanted. the midwest and the northeast over the weekend. flights are cancelled, schools are shut down. some students are having to be home bullied. it wasn't great here in la.
you should have seen the line outside yogurt land. it was around the block. i have friends who live in new york telling me they are tired of me talking about how nice the weather is. so it was terrible here. it really was. it is difficult to come up with a creative idea for a holiday card. but the u.s. ambassador to finland? he is the son of the guy who founded orick vacuum cleaners. the place is now spotless. last year he got some attention when he sent this out. a special edition of the embassy holiday card featuring his biceps. people criticized it. that is him with four naked men in a sauna. more like the u.s. ambassador to funland, am i right? no? in case you're wondering, that's what ambassadors do. this is from the local nbc affiliate in wichita. at the end of their 10:00 news, anchorman said something that i
think many of us say at the end of our workday. unfortunately for him -- he said it on live television. >> that is all the time we have for this saturday night. "saturday night live" is next with a new one with john goodman as host. we'll be back tomorrow after football. hope to see you then. [ bleep ] out of here. >> i'd like to see that become a trademark sign off. the west toronto church of god invited mayor ford to their church and not only did he show up, he wound up on the altar singing with the choir. we have video tape fortunately. he's the one on the right. look at the -- i call that move the i'm the only white person in the gospel choir shuffle.
nobody wants to be near him. the woman next to him is not looking at him and almost has like -- she's like turned away from him. after the service, he -- i guess -- it's great. he is beautiful. he did pose for pictures with some of the congregation after the service. the person who posted this picture tweeted it and said the mayor smelled like ganja. i always imagined him smelling like a 12 piece bucket of kfc. after he danced, the congregation wrung his shirt out and recreated noah's ark. have you noticed that when mayor ford pops up at these events he is always alone. we have him flying solo last month. you see him surrounded by strangers.
here he is at an nfl game. he is his own plus one. maybe his friends are there and he is just sitting on them. i don't know. another landmark weekend for the iranian space program. on saturday they reportedly launched another monkey in space. i say reportedly because there is always a chance they photo shopped the whole thing. in january, there is a photograph they say they sent into space but when people compared it to the photograph, it appeared to be a different monkey. here's the thing. if you're going to lie about the space program. send -- i would say i sent a giraffe into space. that's the rocket. they claim the monkey went 72 miles up and returned safely to earth 15 minutes later. that's him.
>> and there it was, a safe return to earth by this tiny creature which received a hero's welcome back at the base. a team of young scientists who celebrated their success of building a safer and more advanced biocapsule. >> before he was launched in space, he was living in iran so it was a nice little break. okay. somebody sent it to me today, so i thought i would share it with you. this is video of a couple guys fighting in the canary islands. kicking each other and going at it. the police were nearby and they responded quickly. i don't know if somebody called or what. but the cop forgot one important -- he did stop the fight. as i mentioned earlier, the holidays were in full swing. it can also be an especially depressing time of the year and
that's where my aunt chippy comes in. we asked you, our viewers to ask aunt chippy for advice. we have received a lot of them so far. our newest installment of dear aunt chippy. >> dear aunt chippy. i want to do something special for my boyfriend this christmas because we have been dating for almost two months now. should i shave my hair down there into a candy cane shape or a cross. i want to be festive. love cindy, age 20. cindy? i don't think you should shave it at all. i think you should take the razor and cut your [ bleep ] throat with it. i don't know anybody who would really be interested in a candy cane and god forbid, much less a
cross on your vagina. nobody wants to see that. so either cut your throat or cut your wrists but get it over with because he ain't gonna marry you anyway. good night, cindy. if you have a question for me, please e-mail me at dear aunt email@example.com. >> can you believe i was scared of her when i was a kid? when we come back we have a very rare holiday music performance from megadeath. we've also got colin farrell, and jeanne tripplehorn. come on back. i needed a new laptop for my pre-med classes, something that runs office and has a keyboard. but i wanted a tablet for me, for stuff like twitter and xbox, so my downtime can be more like uptime. that's why i got a windows 2 in 1 which does both -- works as a laptop and a tablet. so i can manage my crazy life, and also have a life.
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we have music from megadeth. there was no winner on friday night's megamillion jackpot drawing. once again, the amount of money you will definitely not win is now up to $586 million. if it stays at 586 million it would be the second biggest megamillions jackpot ever. does it seem that every jock pot is the second biggest jackpot ever? officials say it could break the all time record. the odds of winning are one in 259 million. though they haven't had the drawing yet, i want to say congratulations to a group of eight people who work in a staple manufacturing plant. this is quite a tale. back in 1979 a guy here in la was found guilty of murder and sent to prison until last month when a judge determined he was wrongly convicted. the only thing more amazing than
this man's story is this man's name. >> a very emotional day for cash register. it is finally over. the judge making it clear, he is a free man. >> no reason to come into the courtroom. it is the best thing that could happen. >> being able to have the privilege of being able to represent mr. register. >> that last one has to be a typo. that's who should win the lottery. give it to cash register! [ applause ] guillermo, do you ever play the lottery? >> yes. >> did you buy megamillions tickets? >> no, tomorrow. >> it wasn't high enough for you yet? >> to 600 million. >> if you were to win the megamillions lottery, would you continue to work here or would
you quit your job? >> wow. i would keep working for you. [ applause ] >> would you be willing to submit to a polygraph test? if we have a professional come and hook you up to a lie detector, do you believe you would pass? >> yes. yes. i love working for you. >> you what? >> i love working for you. >> okay. all right. i almost believe him. i really do. one more thing, our musical guest tonight, the legendary band megadeth is here to perform super collider. this is exciting. they have a special something ready for the holidays. i asked them if they would be kind enough to unveil it. for a band named megadeth, they
are surprisingly agreeable. here it is new music from megadeth just in time for christmas. >> this holiday bring home the sounds of the season with megadeth. all of your beloved favorites in one special collection. ♪ frosty the snowman >> the little drummer boy. ♪ shall i play for you ♪ blah blah blah >> do you hear what i hear? ♪ blah blah blah ♪ blah blah blah >> do you hear what i hear? ♪ do you hear what i hear ♪ do you hear what i hear >> and many, many more. >> hi. wi ear megadeth.
these are the carols we grew up loving. >> and you'll love them, too. >> or santa will kick you. >> in the throat. >> this unique collection also features a unique duty. ♪ i really can't stay ♪ baby it's cold outside ♪ i've got to go away ♪ baby it's cold outside >> no seriously, i have to go. i'm scared. >> thrashing through the snow. a very megadeth christmas. >> available at walgreens. tonight on the show, from >> "criminal minds" jeanne tripplehorn. we have music from megadeth and we'll be right back with colin farrell. so come back.
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and then, to relax you as you drift off to sleep, with music from this album "super collider" megadeth from the sony outdoor stage. [ applause ] this will be fun. mark wahlburg will be here, and we will have music from police. and will ferrell, phil simmons. adam scott. jalen rose. music from hail. music from haim. and a special music collaboration between christopher cross and ron burgundy. our first guest is a golden globe winning actor who hails from a country that brought us red hair, dark beer, green clovers, pink hearts and yellow moons. his new movie, alongside tom hanks and emma thompson is called "saving mr. banks" it opens in theaters friday, please say hello to colin farrell.
[ applause ] >> how you doing? >> good. it's been a while, i think, since i've seen you. >> i've been told three and a half years. >> that's too long. how's your mother doing? >> you are still thin and handsome. i think you have lost a couple. the last two are the hardest? >> the last two are the hard ones. because it's like two whole pizzas. >> i think your mom was living with you last time, right. >> was she really? >> i may have blanked it out. >> or maybe she was just visiting. >> i think she was -- she was in the early stages. yeah. she used to make two trips over to ireland a year and three months see the grandkids. stand three months -- of sorts. >> that was enough? >> yeah. i love my mother and having my
stuff cleaned for me and drawers rearranged? back in the days, when i was a kid, she used to rearrange my pornography material. >> did she? >> the covers were not subtle. back in the days of vhs, of course. >> talking about my band leader and i grew up together. i told a beautiful story of how he decided to have sex not in his parents' bed, but in my parents' bed and threw a wrapper from the protection into my parent's room. littered. >> the protection was littered on the inside? >> no, no, no. just the wrapper itself. it was not quite as horrible a story. >> i went straer -- very graphic, very quick. and of course my mother found it immediately. >> but he must be commended for his responsibility. >> that's a good way of looking at it. bravo, young man. how many children do you have since?
>> two. >> you must have lost your virginity when you were like 8 or something? >> are we going the bill clinton route or --? i probably made love to my hand for the first time when i was 11. >> that's very sweet. and you're still together. >> we see other people as well. the eternal threesome. my mother has since moved on. >> she's in someone else's drawers. she found herself a really nice man. she got married six months ago. >> oh, wow, your mom got married. did you have to throw her a wedding? >> a wedding was thrown in the back garden. was not thrown for far. just landed in the back garden.
>> that's nice. >> they met a little over a year ago. and they lived in sin for about six months. i met him and vetted him and asked what his intentions were and what his future looked like. >> how old of a man is he? >> 74. he's got a future mostly planned. >> and he answered all your questions? >> he did. he's a wonderful man and she's very happy. he dropped her back off on time every time i put a curfew on. a 5:30 in bed at her metamucil. and i vetted all of this material with my mother earlier. just so everyone knows, i really did. i made sure my lawyer was there. >> do you go home for christmas? >> usually. >> not this year? >> this year will be the first because mom will be here with joel.
the first time we will be here. >> christmas in la. it's very christmassy here. >> bermuda shorts and vests? nobody should ever wear them. >> what do they do in ireland? >> get drunk and fall asleep to 80s movies. leave your socks out, present under the tree and leave santa a glass -- a bottle of guiness. >> we leave milk and cookies. >> of course you do. you're puritanical americans. if you were being nmore honest, you would leave him jello shots. a bowl or something. >> something classy. >> we used to, when i was a kid we would leave a bottle of guiness. >> as a kid, you would leave beer for santa? >> it was grossly irresponsible. grossly irresponsible. he was flying the sled. >> as long as you don't get the reindeer drunk, i think he is okay. >> you hear air traffic control, there is a sled doing figure
eights and donuts. >> is it snowing in ireland? >> people come from all over the world, come home, the pubs are full. i miss it this year. >> you gave everything up, all the fun stuff? >> everything. drinking, smoking, breathing. >> do you enjoy your life any more? is it fun, still? >> as often as i used to. i do, i do. i have more fun now. >> you do? >> it's not as loud but i do have more fun now and i can be there for certain people in me life in a way that i couldn't have been before. >> do you feel a responsibility as an irishman to carry that tradition? >> i feel like an absolute national let down. when you give up drinking as an irishman? i said in rehab that i'm not giving up the booze. i remember saying there's a harp
on me passport. >> i think you did the right thing. when we come back, you couldn't be in the mary poppins movie. "saving mr. banks is the movie. that's on applebee's under 550 calories menu, i was all, "what the what?!" then i tasted the zesty roma chicken and shrimp, which is also on the under 550 calories menu and i was like, "i can't believe it!" then, i told some friends about it and they couldn't believe how great it tasted either. they were totally, "who the, have a, what the huh?!" new under 550 calorie roma pepper steak and zesty roma chicken and shrimp. two almost unbelievably tasty reasons to see you tomorrow. need another reason? now for a limited time
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equipped to set up who you play. >> no idea. >> everything is is a flash back in the movie. >> yes. i play the father of the character that emma thompson plays later in life, the woman that wrote the mary poppins series of books. >> and her father? >> her father in the script, i don't know much about him in real life. it was 1907 in australia. but the script was beautiful. he was a very gregarious alcoholic by the end. >> did you shoot that in australia? >> i wish. that is why i signed up for the gig. you could see the hollywood sign. my agent promised me i would get to go back to australia. i lived there when i was 18. >> were you sent to prison in australia? >> okay. >> i went on a one-year visa.
we tried to get a visa to america. australia seemed easier. unless you have killed somebody, australia is like come on over. >> australia seems more fun. >> we planned to see the whole country but we got so lazy. >> who did you go with? >> two of my old schoolmates from back home. >> do you keep in touch with the guys? >> paul is back home, stephen is in london. all of my old mates are back in dublin. they will call me and say ferrell, won't even viber us anymore. >> you're not on facebook? >> i signed up for viber. it's like whatsapp -- a free phone thing that you get texts and not have to pay. >> really? you're worried about that?
about your text bill? >> are you kidding me? >> are you a cheap guy? >> cheap ass. >> is that right? >> i choose well. >> the boots are not ten years old? >> they are old boots. >> wow. that's something else. you're using free texting apps. >> yeah, for sure. i love a freebie. a free comb? >> where are you getting free combs? >> i was in a hotel about a year ago and in the changing room they had individual combs and they had leopard skin motif that my father used to have when i was a kid. >> you ought to hang out near the guys at the tsa. i bet you would get a lot of free stuff. >> those lads? they take stuff. >> but they might give it to you. >> give what to me? >> whatever you want. >> that sounds wrong. >> i feel like we have opened a very rich vein. we'll explore it next time you
are here. it is good to see you. collin ferrell, everybody. we will be right back. if yand you're talking toevere rheuyour rheumatologistike me, about trying or adding a biologic. this is humira, adalimumab. this is humira working to help relieve my pain. this is humira helping me through the twists and turns. this is humira helping to protect my joints from further damage. doctors have been prescribing humira for over ten years. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. for many adults, humira is proven to help relieve pain and stop further joint damage. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal events, such as infections, lymphoma, or other types of cancer, have happened. blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure have occurred.
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jimmy: you know our next guest from "the firm," "basic instinct," and "big love" among other projects but now she is focused squarely on fighting crime her show is called "criminal minds" it airs wednesdays on cbs. please welcome jeanne tripplehorn. [ applause ] >> it's very good to see you. >> good to see you. >> i was fortunate enough to see you perform with eddie vedder at a charity event, which was hilarious. >> the craziest thing. >> i mean, it was hilarious. it was really genuinely funny. we were so impressed by it, my wife and i.
how do you know eddie vedder? >> i met him years ago, over ten years ago. we were -- there were a whole bunch of us in toronto doing movies, camp canada, we call it. everybody goes up there to do movies. one night we met eddie vedder and he was in town with pearl jam. it was an incredible weekend. friday night, saturday night in his hotel room. he was singing and we were all laughing and it was the greatest weekend ever and then that was it. never saw him again. i went to a couple of shows. i had been to a couple of shows with my husband since then. and then he was playing that acoustic show, a solo acoustic performance.
can't wait. and about three days before the event, i'm making dinner and i check my e-mail. and there was an e-mail from eddie vedder. and he said jeanne, you know, it's been a long time. i've never forgotten what you did in that hotel room. >> and tell everyone what it is -- well. >> i forgot. so i had no idea what he was talking about. i am reading and like oh my god, what did i do? and he didn't forget. he said we have this benefit coming up and i saw where you were going to be there and if you can do what we did in that hotel room, i think it would be a great night. and he wanted me to do a version of the rolling stones "shattered" as julie andrews.
>> as julie andrews. >> so we clearly had alcohol. i don't remember doing it. it was more mary poppins. >> it was one of the oddest and funniest things i had ever seen. you did a lot of the song as -- i thought it was mary poppins. >> it was more mary poppins. but i don't remember doing it. when you're in a hotel room with eddie vedder, you remember what he's doing. >> but you did it on stage and it was great. it was as if you do this at parties together all the time. >> it's in my wheel house of party tricks. >> oh, you have party tricks? >> yeah, when you're with a group of friends. >> you have certain go-to areas? >> yeah, i don't do mary poppins a lot. >> do you do imitations in
general? >> i'm an actor, yeah. >> who do you do? >> everybody. >> you do everybody? do guillermo. do everybody in the audience. we will start on the left and work our way through. do you enjoy the holidays? >> i love the holidays and living in los angeles, i do break up the holidays with, you know, the holidays are a nice break in the weather pattern. >> it indicates a change. >> change is a coming. arbor day. but yeah, christmas came upon us a little early this year. i feel like hanukah and thanks giving and now i'm behind. and you're finished with your christmas shopping? >> i bought around 400 gifts and i did them all. but i bought everyone the same thing.
>> i like that. i do like that. >> i actually didn't. i bought a wide variety but i kind of -- i don't love christmas. part of it is -- i like christmas eve itself and christmas. it goes on for a really long time. >> how soon do you start? >> when does christmas start? >> you take that last bite of pumpkin pie, push away from the table, we wish you a merry christmas. we're off. >> i think i'm with your husband. >> he would be happy with a week before. >> that seems reasonable to me. i don't want to start listening to christmas music in november. >> i agree. some radio stations started early. i kind of dipped in. but it felt wrong. when we were driving home from thanksgiving i forgot my play list. in my i pod i have play lists for every occasion. >> really?
>> imaginable. but on christmas i have approximately ten play lists. >> he must be thrilled with that, then, your husband? >> yeah. yeah. >> did you compromise? >> i kind of start slow. i wanted to get my tree that weekend of thanksgiving. >> usual december, game on. now i try to introduce it slowly. i play a little christmas music here and there. i will throw a garland around and get it a little warmed up. >> if it was up to you, jesus would be a premie. >> yes. yes. >> merry christmas to you. does it end? when does christmas end for you? >> the 26th. we're out. >> i like that, too. >> i like to start the new year light. >> you take the lights down,
♪ generation of the dark watch their lives decay persecuting their own kind there's nothing you can say don't ask anyone ♪ ♪ for help they won't know what to do if you try if you don't die you'll end up black and blue epidemic of addiction ♪ ♪ worshipping the pill drown them all with alcohol anything for thrills precious life goes up in smoke going nowhere fast ♪ ♪ the world is running rampant and you know that this can't last i want everything that makes me feel all right ♪
♪ that feels alive don't ask me why i want everything right before my eyes i can't deny i want to be the ♪ ♪ king kingmaker kingmaker searching for an answer but you see you're all alone mom and daddy's lights are on but ♪ ♪ nobody's home they glorify their tortured life they talk of days like this sentencing their ♪ ♪ children when they need to eat a fist narcotics have enslaved
them now it's coming after you pearls of wisdom hit ♪ ♪ the floor there's nothing you can do out of control you sell your soul so blind you couldn't see ten ♪ ♪ feet tall it made you crawl it's better you than me i want everything that makes me feel all right that feels alive ♪ ♪ don't ask me why i want
everything right before my eyes i can't deny i want to be the king ♪ ♪ kingmaker kingmaker i want everything that makes me feel all right that feels alive don't ask me why i want ♪ ♪ everything right before my eyes ni can't deny i want to be the king it makes me feel alive i want everything it ♪ ♪ makes me feel all right i want everything the things i can't deny i want everything ♪ i want to be the king ♪ [ applause ]