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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  September 30, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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and now abc's "jimmy kimmel live." dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- don rickles, from "dr. ken" ken jeong -- and music from kelsea ballerini, with cleto and the cletones. and now, just relax. here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. welcome to southern california. that's very nice. we have a special show for you tonight. the entertainer known as mr. warmth, don rickles is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] that means it's not a good thing for you guys sitting in the front row. especially if you made the mistake of having a nationality, you're in a lot of trouble. don rickles as you know is the number one insult comic in america who is not currently running for president. that honor goes to a different done ald, donald trump, who is achkry today. "fore"magazine released their annual list of the "forbes 400" ranking the wealthiest people in america. bill gates, 22nd year in a row
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he's number one, $76 billion. yet he still has an $11 haircut, it's amazing. warren buffett, $62 billion. here's the funny part. donald trump finished 121 on the list and he's not happy about that actual. "forbes" says he has a net worth of $4.5 billion. he says, that's wrong, i'm worth $11.5 billion. this is what makes him relatable to voters. "forbes" stands by their estimate but trump said they're trying to make him look as poor as possible. i don't know. saying someone has $4.5 billion makes them look poor? underprivileged maybe but not poor. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i do like donald trump's way of thinking. it's not how much money you have, it's how much money you feel you have. when he negotiates with the chinese it's going to confuse the hell out of them. donald trump has very good self-esteem.
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say what you want about him. most people aren't able to compliment themselves so easily. in fact, we went on the street today and we asked people to say three nice things about themselves. and this is how that went. >> say three nice things about yourself. >> i'm -- uh -- i don't know. >> say three nice things about yourself. >> i don't know. >> oh -- i don't know. >> name three things that make you better than anyone else. >> i don't think i'm better than anyone. >> name three things that make you better than everybody else. >> i'm good-looking, i have great style, and i work out. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well. quite right on that. then he disappeared in a puff of axe body spray, it was amazing. here's a business that might make the "forbes" list next year. the sandee sioux tribe is getting ready to open what they
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call america's first marijuana resort. further cementing south dakota's status as party cap actively the ups united states of america. they claim this will be the first marijuana resort. there are already thousands of marijuana resorts in this country. they're called colleges. universities. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the trying was very high on this, they believe the new resort will generate profits of more than $2 million a month. and i tell you. the nice thing about running a marijuana resort is you don't have to worry too much about the activities. you don't need a golf course, you don't need tennis, you continue need swimming. all you need is the cartoon network. maybe a late checkout. and you're good. this is a crazy thing. this happened to a family in nogales, arizona. a bundle containing 28 pounds of marijuana dropped from the sky, crashed through the roof of their carport, and landed on an empty pet carrier. that's the marijuana. who says prayer doesn't work? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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nogales, if you've never been there, is right on the border of mexico. the house is 1,000 feet from the border. authorities believe it was either a drug drop gone wrong, or santa claus got lost delivering woody harrelson's christmas present. the family, they called 911, they woke up to find that marijuana has gone through the roof. the operator was like, tell me about it, i can barely afford rent. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ band drumroll ] >> this is another story about something dropping in arizona courtesy of a weatherman, corey mccluskey, from the fox affiliate in phoenix who did something i've never seen on television to earn tonight's award for "excellence in reporting." >> you know i love the tuba. it's one of my favorite instruments. listen to that.
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>> he lost his mike down there! down the tuba. >> that's not a tuba, by the way. >> jimmy: which is more embarrassing? be the guy who dropped the mike or the guy who knows the difference between the tuba and the sousaphone? last week pope francis carved time out to meet with kim davis, the woman who refused to issue the same-sex marriage license in kentucky. the reason they met is the pope wanted to deliver a message to kim about god, which was "fire your stylist." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] isn't that crazy? i'm surprised kim davis was able to get the time off from not doing her job to visit with the pope. she claims the pope hugged her, thanked her for her courage, and told her to stay strong.
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really? i think i would rather the pope met with kim kardashian than kim davis while he was here. i'd rather he met with kim jong-un when he was here. someone should tell the pope, i know this is his first time in america, somebody should explain kim davis is what happens when your state has more waffle houses than schools. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this is an important story. for those of you who like to make selfies, police in colorado are warning visitors to national parks there not to take selfies with elk. last week a guy was thrown into the air by an elk when he got too close. he was trying to take a selfie. apparently people do this a lot. they think elk are friendly but the elk, some of them weigh more than 500 pounds and they have built-in selfie sticks sticking out of their heads. i don't know who these people are who think it's a good idea to take selfies with large, dangerous animals. people do it all the time. life is not a hannah barbera cartoon. these animals are not -- some an
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mays you should never go near. this is something one of our guests tonight, dr. ken jeong, feels strongly about. on top of being an actor ken is a medical professional, he is a doctor, as a public service prepared this presentation for anyone who may come in close contact with wildlife. please welcome dr. ken jeong. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. ♪ there are over 42 million species of animals in the world. some are great for taking selfies with like my little friends here. but you should probably keep your distance from the others. so to help you remember which is which, pay careful attention to this. ♪ you can't take a selfie with a chicken with a cow ♪ ♪ take a selfie with a sheep or a big fat sow ♪ ♪ take a selfie with an emu
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stake a selfie or get real baked take it with snoop dogg ♪ here are some animals not to take selfies with. ♪ don't take a selfie with lions and bears oh my or rattlesnakes and scorpions will make you die ♪ ♪ selfies with piranhas is a big fat know a naked selfie with a herd of buffalo ♪ yee-haw! ♪ don't take a selfie with a gator or an elk or baboon ♪ ♪ a great white shark or a rabid raccoon ♪ ♪ nor gary busey because he's very insane ♪ now this is a speed round. so buckle up your seat belts. ♪ mongoose no llamas yes ♪ hyena no narwhal not sure not jaguars no shrimp yes ♪ ?
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how much longer is this going to go on? >> well, there are 42 million species so -- >> jimmy: yeah, it's too much, really. we've got to end this at some point. you can't name every single animal. >> do you want people to die, jimmy? hm? >> jimmy: no. i don't want -- >> you heard it! jimmy doesn't care about your life, kids! none of you guys! good luck! >> jimmy: that is not true, don't be like that, ken. dr. ken jeong, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: when we come back, i would encourage you to come back because my cousin sal pulled off what is probably, this is a big statement to make, the greatest carpet cleaning prank ever pulled. come on back with us. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ there's a network that never stops improving. that's grown faster than any other, covering nearly every american... and these geese.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're back. don rickles, kim jeong, muse trick kelsea ballerini is on the way. first as promised earlier, every now and then we hide some cameras in a house, my cousin sal calls for pizzas or chinese food delivery or in this case a very unfortunate carpet cleaner. enjoy. ♪ >> sal: hey, thanks, come on in, i appreciate it. >> shner? >> jimmy: yeah, thanks. >> remove the shoes? >> jimmy: i'd rather not say. put those on there. so you had a -- >> how you doing, man? >> sal: what do you think, is this salvageable?
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>> do you know what it is? >> sal: a little dinner party with wine. >> marinara. >> sal: marinara sauce. my friend mario spilled a little something -- >> hey, no names. friend of ours. >> sal: a little accident. >> we'd like to salvage this means a lot to his family. >> sal: what do you think? >> i don't know to be honest with you. if you want, i could try. or i can give you another option if you'd like. >> sal: what's the other option? >> the other option is to get it dry cleaned. >> sal: let's say it isn't marinara sauce or red wine. some kind of protein of some sort. >> it wouldn't have to be taken out and cleaned and brought back, you would do it here? >> i can do it here. >> we need it done here. >> right. i can do the best, do my best, give it a shot. >> listen, take this. okay? you're going to just do the best you can. do the best you can, okay? >> um -- >> all right? >> if you don't mind -- let me price to it you like a regular job -- >> no, this is for you, put it aside, this is for you.
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>> i appreciate that -- >> what's your name? >> schner. >> this has got nothing to do with anything. i just want somebody to get the stains out and to keep their mouth shut. is that okay? got that? >> no problem. >> sal: what chances do you give this thing? >> you know -- >> sal: oh, all right, okay, hey. >> there's a spot over here too. >> sal: over there, what do you think? >> this one here was wine. >> excuse me, excuse me. >> sal: that rug we can't do anything about. >> don't be looking! you didn't see nothing. >> i'll see what i can do. >> sal: go grab your machine. do we have anything for him? >> i gave you that, what did i give you? take this too. >> that's nice. >> listen, listen. seriously -- >> i'm jewish. >> you, good man. then you understand us. >> i understand.
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>> very good, very good. let me give it a shot. >> i do need access to water, is that possible? >> let me ask you, you use bleach? >> i don't use bleach. >> you don't use bleach at all? doesn't that get of all the remains -- wine? >> bleach would actually destroy the carpet. >> it wouldn't get rid of evidence? i mean, the stain? >> it will turn it white. >> okay, but you know when they put those lights on and you can tell where there's been stains? we don't want that. >> we want it to look like it looked before there was an incident. >> let me do the best i can. >> sal: that shouldn't be too hard, right? >> sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't -- >> let me ask you this, how big is your van? >> it's small. i have a car. >> how small is small? >> sal: if we had another rug to give you, saying we don't care what happens to the rug, maybe you could -- >> good idea, good idea. do you recycle? >> i can try. >> hold on, hold on, let's get
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the rug. put it in the truck. >> we put it in the basement. >> no, it's good. >> sal: it's going to be all right. what do you think? do you feel good about this? >> do you -- i -- it's really hard to tell. is this fresh? is this old? >> 18 hours, 17 hours. >> there's a pretty good chance -- i'll clean it up as best as possible. >> sal: do your best on this, and this rug behind you, take to it a landfill. >> my responsibility. don't be looking. >> i'm not looking. i can guarantee that's not going to fit in my car. >> we'll strap it to the roof. >> yeah, put it on the roof. >> you got bungees? >> where am i supposed to put it? >> put it on the roof. >> sal: is that your truck across the street? >> no, i'm right in front. >> put it on the raf in the front. >> let's talk about this. what are we going to do? you think this can get the whole thing out? they're going to put that on your roof -- >> i don't know where they put that. >> it goes on the roof. >> i've got nowhere to dump it.
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>> how far is your place from here? >> down the block. >> alleys, you got no place -- >> i'm trying to be honest with you. i understand what's going on -- i mean, i don't know what's going on. >> what do you mean? what do you mean you understand? >> you're trying to get rid of that carpet. >> yes, yes, exactly right. >> sal: now you're talking. >> i have nowhere to put, that's what i'm trying to say. i live in an apartment building a block away. >> do you have a dumpster? >> i have a dumpster but there are people working there right now. >> what time do they get done? >> i have no idea. if you're going to strap that to my roof -- what's hanging out of that thing, you're going to see. >> let me ask you a question -- >> sal: hold on, vinny. what's hanging out of that thing? >> i seen legs hanging out -- >> i didn't see any legs, did you see legs? >> i don't have the -- the appropriate -- containment, containers, to dump that into. >> let me ask you, in your complex, do you have a big
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dumpster? >> we have a regular dumpster. >> how big is the dumpster? >> sal: take that carpet, whatever you think you saw, we put it on the roof, tie it up, drop it off at "jimmy kimmel live." make it his problem. is that all right? >> yeah, you think you can do that? >> sal: you can say hi to him right there he's in that camera. that camera over there too. say hi to jimmy right there. >> hi, jimmy. >> no names, no names. >> i won't tell no names. >> sal: you said too much. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cousin sal. tonight on the show, music from kelsea ballerini, from "dr. ken" ken jeong is here, be right back with the great don rickles so stick around. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: he's a doctor and he plays one on tv too. from the new know "dr. ken" which premieres friday night on abc, ken jeong is here. then a talented woman out of nashville, debut album "the first time," kelsea ballerini from the samsung stage. she has dominated for two cma awards including female vocalist
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of the year and new artist of the year. tomorrow night l.l. cool j, music from andra day. our first guest is a legendary performer, best-selling author, one of the greatest comedians all-time -- right, don, is that correct? >> don't be a dumbbell. >> jimmy: don rickles, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> how are you? >> jimmy: i tell you something. i like having you right here with me. >> i'm not ready yet -- >> jimmy: i'm sorry. >> i want to say hello to my dear mexican friends, god bless. and the one china man in the back. >> jimmy: he's japanese, japanese. >> well. i remember him, then. remember that night on guam? anyway. god bless you, son. be proud of your heritage. these guys are wonderful. they came in the room looking
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for me to sign their visas. >> jimmy: you forgot one over there. >> he's a midget. oh you're not allowed to say that small people, i'm sorry. how you feeling? >> guillermo: doing great. >> good, good, hold it. you got to be nice, otherwise they rob you. >> jimmy: why don't you get a broom and fly around the room, jimmy? >> jimmy: if i could i would. >> shut up. to your audience, i adore this man. we've been friends now quite a while. >> jimmy: yes, for quite a while. >> you're going to have -- you have a baby now and everything. >> jimmy: that's right. >> i'm delighted for you, really, jimmy. i say that from my heart. >> jimmy: thank you, thank you. >> there are many shows i've been asked to be on. and this i avoided so much. no, that's not true. and it's great to be with you, really. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: knowing you as i do i would think today is a very happy day for you. the dodgers won their division yesterday. >> they did. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're a big dodger fan. >> big, big. when tommy lasorda was managing he used to go in the locker room and say, don, talk to the guys. i went in there, i said, whoever's playing, i said, charlie, talk to tommy, talk to tommy for crying out loud, put me in the game! i said, you've got to get your papers signed! >> jimmy: didn't you dress as the manager once? >> yeah, i went out to the mound, took the pitcher out of the game. i did. tommy says, take the guy out of the game. i said, i can't do that. he said, do it. i walked out. big, tall mexican kid. big. what are you doing here? i said, give me the ball, i'm taking you out of the game. you can't take me out of the [ bleep ] game! what are you crazy? you can't take me out of the game. give me the ball, give me the ball.
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harry wendell -- >> jimmy: the umpire. >> i know what he is. >> jimmy: they don't. >> right away -- keep the name alive. look at the sign. that's where i don't want to be every day. look at the sign. it's me, jimmy kimmel! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> anyway, the sorry -- >> jimmy: the umpire comes out. >> he rips off the mask, what's going on? sees me. don rickles! can you get me two tickets to the dean martin show? that's a true story. i save that for people that know what the hell's going on. you guys are great, you guys are great. classic crowd the way they dress. >> jimmy: yeah. we got a guy with no shoes on here in the audience tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's not wearing shoes, don. >> they're the ones that made you, jimmy. >> jimmy: that's right. >> don't turn on these people. i got a big home with guard, an skaet estate.
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i saw your house, all glass house. if you fool around with the wife, everybody in the neighborhood knows. >> jimmy: i like people to see what i can do. >> that's right. >> jimmy: by the way, this is a really great box set. have you watched this? be honest, have you watched any of this? >> it's my life. >> jimmy: i know. >> yeah, i saw some of it. >> jimmy: well, i mean, i have to say, you've got your tv specials. i think four tv specials on this. you've got -- i mean, everybody's on there. john wayne, frank sinatra. i mean, just -- >> don't run over his name fast, frank sinatra. the greatest in the world, he really was. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i think everybody knows frank sinatra. the pope, in fact, took his name after frank sinatra, did you know that? >> what? >> jimmy: pope francis. after francis albert sinatra. >> i'm a jew, leave me alone.
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[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: another guy who's one of the all-time greats, your very good friend dean martin. >> it's a mystery. everybody thought he was boozed up. that's not true. really, he put that on but he was a charming, loveable guy, he really was. to be in his company was so great. i never knew what the hell he was saying. but he was great. >> jimmy: this is a moment from the dvd. in which dean martin's old roasts, celebrity roast show, a great show, dean spoke kindly about you. he was really effusive. take a look. >> yeah, i'm talking about the tender don rickles. warm and gentle. a loving human being. and there isn't a person in this room tonight up here on the dais or sitting in this beautiful room who will disagree with that. yes? as i stand here and look at the number of people in this room
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tonight, i realize that everybody who loves don rickles showed up. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's great stuff. the best part though is when he talked to the audience. when you just get into the audience and you start talking to people. >> yeah, that's how i -- i worked from the sahara hotel many years ago. a place called the slate brothers. i did impressions. i wasn't too good at that. i'm better than you are. no, i used to do -- i did a picture called "run silent, run deep." a guy called clark gable. you know [ bleep ] you're a nice guy, nice guy. he said, that son of a bitch really knows. anyway, these are anecdotes. burt lancaster is a lot of fun. used to dress up with his underwear. he didn't know what the hell time it was. burt was a great guy. >> jimmy: john wayne is in this special. i didn't realize -- i guess i should have known. what a giant guy he was. until i saw him standing next to
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you. >> yeah, i don't like them too close. from the ranch he comes with the flies around him. from the horses and all. john wayne also, a great yes manner. a hell of an actor. >> jimmy: do you know donald trump? is he somebody that you've come across in your many appearances? >> what are you, a cop? >> jimmy: no. >> now don. you know what happened? years ago, this is truth. years ago my wife and i are in new york. way back. and donald said, don, why don't you come and see some of my business, what i have? at that time he had all these apartments, you know. all these beautiful apartments. we came up to his office. then he said, i'm going to do show you some of the apartments i have around in this area. he said, this would be great for you and barbara. this kitchen overlooking the sea, overlooking the ocean, overlooking the town, overlooking the park. what is that, there's a billion seven, this is a billion eight,
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this is nine billion six, this is eight billion nine. i looked and i fall on the floor and says, leave me alone. >> jimmy: he tried to sell you a condo? >> now he's running for president and i wish him luck. >> jimmy: you were on -- our mutual friend john stamos' television show. >> yes. >> jimmy: last week. >> god bless he's not here tonight, he's in e bathroom trying to get his body right. >> jimmy: this is one of the greatest photographs ever taken. that's you, deion sanders, and lil wayne. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did you chat with lil wayne? >> yeah, but he's got to go to a dentist. >> jimmy: are you a fan of lil wayne? >> are you kidding? i get up every morning to lil wayne. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: then i guess you're a fan. well, it's always great to see you. guys, this is -- first of all it's a great set. secondly, look at that picture. look at how tan you were.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: don rickles, everybody! we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ woo ♪ ♪ baby i can't wait
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, there. i have just discovered jet.com,
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the smartest way to save on just about anything. as you add items on to have your basket prices on other deposits drop. jet.com guides you to smart items that cost less when you order them together. it's time to play name that item i can save money on at jet.com. our contestants, our friend guillermo, our friend yehya. i'll show you a smart item from jet.com. if you know what it is you'll get points and you will win the game. are you ready? >> ready! >> ready! >> jimmy: name that item i can save money on at jet.com. what is that item? yehya? >> that the one like -- laser. >> jimmy: no, it is not a laser. guillermo, would you like to guess? >> a bottle of water? >> jimmy: guillermo, it's an avocado slicer for god's sake. boo! our next item is -- yehya? >> barbecue?
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>> jimmy: not a barbecue. guillermo? >> a little oven? >> jimmy: not a little oven. that is a panini press. our next item is -- yehya? >> the -- the -- what's it ca called. >> jimmy: i don't know. >> ping-pong. >> jimmy: ping-pong is correct. if you can name it you get to keep it. thank you, dicky. our beautiful assistant. what is this? >> mixing. >> a blender. >> jimmy: what's the name of it? >> it's a mixer. a blender mixer. >> jimmy: yes. >> i talk? >> jimmy: yehya, you talk. >> mix all eggs together? >> jimmy: it's a mix master, neither of you gets it, i'm keeping it myself. thank you, we'll be right back with ken jeong. >> dicky: jet.com. get $15 off your first order of $35 or more, jet.com now. start saving. ess expensive? absolutely.
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it's been smashed, dropped and driven. it's perceptive enough to detect other vehicles on the road. it's been shaken, rattled and pummeled. it's innovative enough to brake by itself, park itself and help you steer. it's been in the rain... the cold... and dragged through the mud. introducing the all-new mercedes-benz gle. it's where brains meet brawn. not much has changed. this is except....
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it responds to the pressure of your finger. so you can peek into stuff. and pop stuff open. which changes how you play a song. read a text. read an email. read the news. wait, you read the news? kid: yep of course you do. now you can change apps like this. pay at more places like this. and the new color looks like this... it's rose gold, it's awesome. and siri is more helpful than ever. bill hader: hey siri, show me photos of tortellini. siri: here are some images of tortellini... maybe get take out? the camera shoots 4k video now, which changes how your movies look. nice... even selfies have changed. now your screen is the flash. that's gonna get, like, a million likes. selena gomez: thanks. actually, photos themselves have changed. they move now. you just touch them. so yeah, that's what's changed. ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, we're back. still to come, music from kelsea ballerini. our next guest is a funny man who gave up his job as a doctor
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to practice the healing power of laughter which does not work anywhere near as well as new medicine does. "dr. ken" premieres 8:30 friday night on abc, please welcome ken jeung! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> what's up? had to hack it up. >> jimmy: did you meet don rickles? >> i just met him for the first time ever. he was like, my whole life i waited to meet ken jeung. anyway. he really said that, that was so amazing. he's one of my biggest heros in comedy. >> jimmy: sure, right. you remember watching him as a kid? >> i remember watching him as a kid, he'd do stuff with whoopi and rob, improv -- everything about him.
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any comedian worth their salt. >> jimmy: probably the only perpendicular you're happy to be insulted by. >> it is true. we did a photo together. he goes, okay, all right, say chi chicken! >> jimmy: donald would be confused by the fact that you really ar doctor, not were a doctor, are a practice doctor, but you don't practice full-time? >> i don't practice full-time. i'm an actor now. but it's just -- it's such a surreal freaking journey. >> jimmy: i'm glad you did it. the world, we have plenty of doctors what we needed were more actors. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know? you filled a hole there. and your new show -- this is a beautiful thing. because, yeah, most actors, their only life specious is as an actor. and they'll have -- maybe they worked at starbucks or something early on. but you have this previous life to draw from. and this show is pabasically bad
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on what would have been had you stayed a consider? >> this is pre "hangover" ken jeung. first of all, with clothes. >> jimmy: yeah, there the patients are naked. >> yeah! ha ha ha! anyway. i've got don rickles on the brain. >> jimmy: you did that full-time for how long? >> seven years, i worked full-time. >> jimmy: what did your colleagues think when you left to go -- >> they were all very supportive. they were very like -- they were really into me doing it. there were some doctors that were just like, you're never going to make it. i mean, they were saying it out of concern. like, you're leaving a stable six-figure job to pursue this, are you really believing in this? i always figured if it didn't work i could go back. >> jimmy: that's true. i forgot how to work a stethoscope. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i would think you would kind of a hero to some of these guys though, right? >> oh, yeah, now i am. and i invite my doctor buddies
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on-set. we do it in front of a live audience like this. it's so much fun to perform every week in front of a live audience. >> jimmy: what do your id kids think about the fact that you now have tv kids? >> oh, yeah, they actually have albert si who pys my son. >> jimmy: very funny kid. >> funny kid. this kid is a national treasure. he's their favorite actor. he's their favorite asian male act over "dr. ken." >> jimmy: including dad? >> including dad. the other male actors? no, no, no? nobody else. someone older? nope. >> jimmy: on the pilot episode you do a johnny carson impersonation. >> yeah. >> jimmy: did you did do that for don back stage? >> i didn't have time. i used to do standup as a hobby while doing medicine. it's a whole weird life i had. >> jimmy: yeah, really. >> i had no other hobbies. no golf. i would do standup. this is 20 years ago. this is how dated my act is. but my first joke was a johnny
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carson in korean. i'm not even making that up. it was about -- it was in reference to -- such a dated reference. john wayne bobbitt. who got his member shaved off by his wife. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> and my -- swear to god, first time i did standup, it was totally like -- this is johnny carson. ken jeung doing korean johnny carson. i -- is that -- i -- [ speaking foreign language ] john wayne bobbitt. [ speaking foreign language ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: it still works. [ speaking foreign language ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you must see so much funny stuff as a doctor. >> oh, yes. >> jimmy: every day something funny must happen. now you can use that stuff. are you using real cases and
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instances? >> yes, i am. the pilot and subsequent episodes i am. one that i can't use, it's -- where i'm not -- choosing not to use. it's a sweet story. when i was a ris deesident i wa taking care of this elderly man in e.r. who had amnesia, total loss of memory. >> jimmy: people really have amnesia? it's not just a tv movie of the week thing? >> no it's not. >> jimmy: was it coconut related? usually somebody gets hit on the head with a coconut. >> this was a rare noncoconut-related incident. >> jimmy: wow, that was rare. >> it's like amazing. but the patient had a total loss of memory. i did a cat scan, i did mri, carotid ultrasound, full neurological exam, completely normal. his memory was coming back. his lovely 80-year-old wife is fidgeting. i was like, is there any precipitating event that could have caused these symptoms? this lady's like, well, um, we
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just had sex. and it's a condition called transient global amnesia which you lose your memory, it comes back, and you're totally fine. but it's by a precipitating event in this elderly couple. so medically speaking, she [ bleep ] his brains out. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it's a fact. it's not dirty. it's a fact. >> jimmy: wow. >> not being dirty. >> jimmy: lucky gentleman, huh? >> lucky gentleman. >> jimmy: i hope he remembered it finally. >> yeah. the treatment is lube and a bunch of high fives. i don't know. >> jimmy: dr. kim jeung, everybody! "dr. ken" premieres friday night, 8:30, on abc. be right back with kelsea ballerini!
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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung.
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it's always worth remembering... that icing the cinnamon rolls is a privilege not a right. unleash the power of dough. give it a pop. this moment is perfect in every way just like my kid gooey...flaky...happy. toaster strudel. now with more icing. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung.
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>> jimmy: i want to thank don rickles, see live at the orleans in vegas october 17th and 18th. ken jeong and apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, her album is called "the first time" here with the song "dibs," kelsea ballerini. ♪ ♪ i know everybody wants you that ain't no secret hey baby what's your status and tell me are you trynna keep it ♪ ♪ well they can all back off 'cause i know what i want and while i've got your attention ♪ ♪ did i mention ♪ if you got a kiss on your lips that you're looking for somebody to take ♪
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♪ if you got a heart that ain't afraid of love ain't afraid to break ♪ ♪ if you've got a friday night free and a shotgun seat well i'm just saying ♪ ♪ i ain't got nowhere to be so baby i'll take whatever it is you've got to give yeah i'm calling dibs ♪ ♪ on your lips on your kiss on your time boy i'm calling dibs ♪ ♪ on your hand on your heart all mine ♪ ♪ make everybody jealous when i take you off the market and get my lipstick m ♪ on your right cheek 'cause boy i've got to mark it ooh ♪ ♪ so they can all back off yeah 'cause i know what i want and while i've got you listening ♪ ♪ come on and show me
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what i'm missing yeah ♪ ♪ if you you've got a kiss on your lips that you're looking for somebody to take if you've got a heart ♪ ♪ that ain't afraid to love ain't afraid to break if you've got a friday night free and a shotgun seat ♪ ♪ well i'm just saying i ain't got nowhere to be so baby i'll take whatever it is you've got to give ♪ ♪ yeah i'm calling dibs ♪ if you've got a kiss on your lips that you're looking for somebody to take hey if you've got a heart ♪ ♪ that ain't afraid to love ain't afraid to break hey if you've got a friday night free and ♪ ♪ a shotgun seat well i'm just saying i ain't got nowhere to be so baby i'll whatever ♪ ♪ it is you've got to give yeah i'm calling dibs ♪ ♪ on your lips on your kiss on your time boy i'm calling dibs ♪ ♪ on your hand on your heart all mine yeah boy i'm calling dibs on your lips ♪ ♪ on your kiss on your time
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boy i'm calling dibs on your hand on your heart ♪ ♪ all mine yeah ♪ i'm calling dibs on your lips on your kiss on your time boy ♪ ♪ i'm just trynna make you mine boy ooh dibs ♪ thank you, guys! [ cheers and applause ]
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this is "nightline." >> tonight -- >> what is your emergency? >> she called the cops to get help for her son. instead he got shot. the officers say it was self-defense. but could proper training have prevented tragedy? tonight we're with the specialized mental health squad. how their new approach could revolutionize the force. >> have you ever attempted suicide in the past? >> on the edge of the void. >> he talks the talk. but can he walk the walk? how joseph gordon-levitt learned from a legend to play "the man on the wire." a deeply private actor opening up tonight about the challenges

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