tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC January 6, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PST
dan and ama? >> thank you, sandhya. >> that's our report. >> for sandhya and larry and all of us, thank you for joining us. on "jimmy kimmel live," kathy ♪ >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, kathy griffin. oscar winning screenwriter aaron sorkin. and music with cleto and the cletones. and now, after all, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you so much for coming. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for risking really everything to be here tonight. the unthinkable has happened. it's now been raining in l.a. for two days in a row. which is -- that's never happened before in our history. flash flood, high surf, and wind advisories are in effect. my doppler's been going nuts all day. of course this is the work of el nino, which is -- it's my favorite storm system that sounds like an early '80s latino boy band. [ laughter ] meteorologists say the storm is tied now for the strongest el nino storm ever. they say if it gets any stronger it could turn into a dwayne johnson movie.
[ laughter ] the good news is i finally have an excuse to wear a very cute pair of wellies i bought back in 2012. somebody shot this video and post td to facebook. this is from not too far from here in highland park. you see the little parade of trash bins. making their way down the street. it's like they're escaping. now, this -- whoever shot this decided to follow one of the -- [ laughter ] look at that little fella go. this could be a pixar movie, right? [ laughter ] call it "receptacles" or something. just kept hanging right around that curb there. until finally it met a tragic end. yeah. [ laughter ] why is that sad? why do we attach human qualities to everything? [ laughter ] let's go out to hollywood boulevard right now. okay. so guillermo -- we put a gopro
on a toy boat, and guillermo is out there. he's going to drop that boat in the -- [ cheers and applause ] the little river that runs past our studio. and there it goes. you know, usually that gutter is full of passed-out supersureos. [ laughter ] so we're actually very fortunate. going pretty good. pretty good clip. that's a little guillermo we put in the boat there to drive it. there you go. it's like a chase scene out of a bond movie. look at that. okay. there he is. kind of adorable. and now it's turned boring. [ laughter ] you know? it really -- perilous. he's making his way through these cars pretty well here. nicely -- i wonder if he'll get around that. no. that's where our story ends. [ cheers and applause ] you know when you're watching tv
shows and they say you're going to hollywood and it sounds exciting. well, next time remember that. [ laughter ] tonight on the fox network -- by the way, the beginning of the end of an era, the 15th and final season of "american idol" is under way. "american idol" might be the biggest show in the history of television. at its peak more than 30 million people watched it every week. and things will be different without it. now if you want to see mentally ill people sing you'll have to go to the bus station. [ laughter ] but in honor of this historic television milestone we put together a salute to the most memorable "american idol" winners over the years. great names. names like, well, kelly clarkson. names like carrie underwood. you can see there, who became a huge star. jordin sparks, who was a winner of "american idol." taylor -- swift? no? taylor something. this one was sharon? i think. this guy is -- this is either
steven or david or -- maybe a -- oh. wilson phillips. i know that one. [ laughter ] ja- -- i have no idea who that is. i don't -- i don't know that one. i definitely don't know that one. [ laughter ] you know what? actually, never mind. this was a bad idea. [ laughter ] i did know carrie underwood. so that was pretty good, right? congratulations to them on their -- [ cheers and applause ] whatever they do. i really don't know what it was, but they did it. meanwhile, in north korea there's much celebration this week. north korea's claiming that they successfully detonated their first hydrogen bomb. >> [ speaking foreign language ]. >> jimmy: i don't know why
that's funny, but it is. they haven't perfected color television yet, but they do have a hydrogen bomb. [ laughter ] i should say they claim to have a hydrogen bomb. in fact, the white house today said the evidence, you know, they got the shock waves or whatever, does not support their claim. but the north korean government released a statement that said, "nothing is more foolish than dropping a hunting gun before herds of ferocious wolves." does that make any sense? [ laughter ] what are wofllves going to do wh a gun? eat it? meanwhile, after they made the announcement, the people of north korea were like this is great, now can we have food and shoes? [ laughter ] and the dear leader of north korea, kim jong un, celebrated this alleged scientific achievement with a fresh new haircut that -- [ laughter ] i think says it all. that's the rachel of north korea. [ cheers and applause ] what do you want to bet we see
someone with that very haircut at the grammys this year? oh, you're back? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> good. great. [ cheers and applause ] it was cold. >> jimmy: can i ask you a question? are you wearing a shirt under -- you're wearing a shirt uner that jacket, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: but why are your sleeves like completely invisible? >> because i have a -- i don't -- i have a shirt but it's short leave. >> jimmy: you're wearing a -- [ laughter ] you're wearing a short leave shirt under that? [ laughter ] >> it was raining. so i changed right away. >> jimmy: you changed into a short leave shirt? >> yeah. >> jimmy: take it off. let's see what you look like without the -- [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you look like you should be doing insurance claims or
something. [ laughter ] i didn't know that. all these years, i didn't know you did that. >> no, this is the first time. >> jimmy: oh, it's the first time. see, i'm very observant. anyway, back to north korea. we're really spanning the globe here from mexico to north korea. you would think that the idea that north korea might have a hid jen bomb would be somewhat alarming to those of us here on the west coast, but we went out on the street today and it seems like if you asked people a question in a cheerful enough manner we will -- we americans will offer congratulations for just about anything. >> north korea announced that they finally were able to successfully detonate a hydrogen bomb. the world is excited. people are sending their congratulations. >> that's really good. >> would you like to congratulate north korea? >> congratulations, north korea. finally. i mean, it's about time, you know? >> would you like to say congratulations to north korea? any words of encouragement for them? >> you know, i think that, you know, i think if you do believe that one day you can -- dreams can come true, i think. it's definitely a disney, you
know, thing to do. >> would you say this is a great example of if you can dream it you can achieve it? >> for sure. if you believe you can do it, then you can achieve it. >> and north korea has done that with the hydrogen bomb. >> and that's good for them. >> yeah, you know, you just got to stick to your dreams and you know, anything can come true. yeah. so you know, we say they stuck to it. >> especially with north korea and its hydrogen bomb. >> yeah. >> everyone's so excited for them, they're sending their congratulations. would you like to congratulate north korea? >> congratulations, north korea. awesome. >> congratulations, kim jong un, on everything you've done. you've done a really good job. keep it up. stay safe. good luck. >> congratulations on achieving your dream, north korea. >> congratulations, north korea. it's a high five. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have to take a break. when we come back, and all signs say we will, i'm going to teach you the hidden language of texting.
this is very important. so stick around. we'll be right back. ♪ uh right now you can get 15 gigs for 100 bucks plus $15 per line that is perfect because we are about to start the whole long distance thing yeah and lots of data will mean lots of video chatting how much is that? 15 gigs, that's over 40 hours of video chatting wow whoa 40 hours, that's a lot of communication yeah yay love! get 15 gigs for 100 bucks, plus $15 per line innovative sonicare technology with up to 27% more brush movements versus oral b. get healthier gums in 2 weeks guaranteed. innovation and you. philips sonicare save when you buy the most loved rechargeable toothbrush brand in america. ♪ lemme get a mcpick2 ryes please. introducing new melty mozzarella sticks at mcdonald's.
made with 100% real cheese. served hot. dip 'em in zesty marinara deliciousness. now on mcdonald's mcpick 2 for $2 menu. ♪ bada ba ba ba no problem. that's a lot of dishes& i'll use a lot of detergent. dish issues? get cascade platinum. one pac cleans tough food better than 6 pacs of the bargain brand combined. cascade. [ scanner beeping ] sir, could you step aside?
"sir"? come on. you know who i am. progressive insurance? uh, i save people an average of over $500 when they switch? did you pack your own bags? oh! right -- the name your price tool. it shows people policy options to help fit their budget. [ scanner warbling ] crazy that a big shot like me would pack his own bags, right? [ chuckles ] so, do i have the right to remain handsome? [ chuckles ] wait. uh-oh.
♪ >> jimmy: welcome back. kathy griffin, aaron sorkin, and music from the internet is on the way. but first i want to carve some time out of tonight's show to share something i figured out over the break. you know, we all experience and engage in passive-aggressive behavior, but thanks to the way we use technology now there's a new way to be passive aggressive that's not as easy to understand. it's the passive-aggressive text message. now, if you don't know what i mean by that, here's an example. you ask a simple question like this.
can i bring dave to dinner tonight? and the person to whom you're texting replies, sure, with an exclamation point. if you got this text you could reasonably assume the person on the other end is happy about dave coming to dinner, maybe even excited about it. but what about this? you ask, can i bring dave to dinner tonight? and your husband or wife or girlfriend says, sure, with a period. almost an identical text, but the subtext of the text not -- instead of the exclamation point, exclamation point means i thought we were going out just the two of us or i don't care if dave comes or maybe it means i don't like dave. [ laughter ] you don't know. well, let's look at another example here. simple message. you ask, can you pick up some milk on the way home? and your textmate replies, of course. if you got this, you can assume there will be a container of mill nic your frirnlth when this person gets home. but what if you ask this same question, can you pick up some
milk on the way home? and the response is the letter k. [ laughter ] if you got this, i think you can assume the person will get the milk but isn't happy about it. the letter k is like the text equivalent of rolling your eyes at someone. it's like what a teenager does when you ask how her day was. a k is no good. but this might be worse. now, try again. can you pick up some milk on the way home? and the answer is, yup. yup translates to i'll get the milk but why the hell can't you get the milk? i'm working all day. you had nine hours to get milk and now i'm being asked to go get the milk. right? yup should never be confused with yep. yep's okay. yep is friendly. yep is upbeat. but if the e changes to a u that person probably wants to put you into a wood chipper. [ laughter ] i want to mention one more. maybe this might be the most passive aggressive of all the passive aggressive texts. it's this. this response.
ha. [ laughter ] ha says i acknowledge what you said was meant to be funny. it wasn't. but can you imagine in real life you made a joke and someone said ha? [ laughter ] you can't because no one would ever do that. if they did you would fight them, right? so just to recap, when texting avoid using periods, yups and has. and most importantly, never, ever use your phone to make a call. that you should never do. [ laughter ] nobody likes that anymore. it's annoying. this is something that also involves our thumbs. twitter is -- they're exploring the possibility of expanding their limit of 140 characters per tweet to 10,000 characters per tweet. you know the thing that makes twitter twitter? they might get rid of that. in fact, in other words, twitter is very close to inventing facebook. [ laughter ] i don't like this. this is basically like if apple decided to change the iphone to a washing machine.
right? this is interesting. especially for those of you who are mothers to be. there's a new device that lets you play music for your fetus, for your unborn child. it's called baby pod. and it is -- it plays music when inserted into a music. like john mayer. [ laughter ] it's a similar -- like an electronic -- [ cheers and applause ] and the way it works is -- well, you kind of need to see for yourself. >> this carol is included at a special concert by soraya to welcome christmas. the unborn babies were in the crowd thanks to baby pod, a revolutionary device designed to broadcast music inside the vagina. baby pod is safe and easy to use. it is placed like a tampon and connects to the smartphone. it is a revolution in gynecology. this is the first concert for fetuses ever made in the world. >> jimmy: it's like vulvapalooza
going on there. [ laughter ] [ applause ] people are always coming up with ideas to play music for the unborn babies. has anyone ever considered it might be the only time in their whole lives when they get some peace and quiet and we should leave them alone? [ laughter ] fwu y but if you do want to entertain your baby there's a new product. it's not just for women. it specifically targets babies before they even make it to the mother. >> research suggests that babies can hear and respond to music in the womb. but what if there's a way to get music to your baby before it's even conceived? the makers of beats by dre present -- ballz by dre. the first ever high-quality headphones for testicles. simply connect ballz by dre to your smartphone, choose your favorite music, affix the headphones snuggly to your scrotum, and relax as your sperm are stimulated by high-fidelity
ballz by dre. and you can pump up the bass for an even greater effect. >> as a leading testicologist i have seen firsthand what this product can do. before ballz by dre these spermatozoa were lifeless. once headphones were applied their moat ilt inquaes creased by 130%. >> consult your testicologist. ballz by dre'. >> excuse me. can you please turn down your balls? >> available at balgreen's. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the show we have music from the internet. aaron sorkin is here. and we'll be right back with kathy griffin. so stick around. [ cheers and applause ]
my name is jamir dixon and i'm a locafor pg&e.rk fieldman most people in the community recognize the blue trucks as pg&e. my truck is something new... it's an 811 truck. when you call 811, i come out to your house and i mark out our gas lines and our electric lines to make sure that you don't hit them when you're digging. 811 is a free service. i'm passionate about it because every time i go on the street i think about my own kids. they're the reason that i want to protect our community and our environment, and if me driving a that truck means that somebody gets to go home safer, then i'll drive it every day of the week. together, we're building a better california.
♪ >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. tonight, an oscar and emmy and who knows what else award winning writer, he is nominated for a golden globe and a wga award for his movie "steve jobs." aaron sorkin is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] and then later a grammy-nominated group from right here in l.a. this is their album. it's called "ego death." the internet from the samsung stage. [ cheers and applause ] tell you something, the internet is a fun name for a band, but how is anyone supposed to look them up?
[ laughter ] try googling "the internet." and see what -- your computer will go on fire. [ laughter ] tomorrow night on the show cate blanchett will be here. dominic monaghan will join us. and we'll have music from vance joy. please join us. along with champagne and throwing up on a tuxedo, our first guest has become part of our annual new year's eve tradition. she is an emmy and grammy award winner whom you can see live on her 80-city like a boss comedy tour. please welcome kathy griffin. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ welcome. >> hello. happy new year! [ cheers and applause ] happy new year. >> jimmy: you're still wishing a happy new year to people, huh? >> i only work with news models.
now, look -- what's with the scruff? anderson cooper would never do the scruff. >> jimmy: why wouldn't he? i bet he could. >> because anderson cooper called his hair his money maker. which i believe is a porn term, which you would know. >> jimmy: why would i know that? >> oh, i don't know. you straights hate porn. >> jimmy: his moneymaker. does he really call his hair his moneymaker? >> and something else. that was like such a bad double entendre i didn't even laugh. >> jimmy: it wasn't that bad. can i ask you something? why is anderson still doing this show with you? >> how dare you? >> jimmy: well, no -- >> first of all, he's my guest. it's really my show and i let him do a guest spot is the way i see it. >> jimmy: why is your guest showing up? because you abuse him terribly. >> james. how dare you? >> jimmy: show the clip with the -- >> you mean the love? >> jimmy: yeah. what happens -- >> in case you thought you were too pale, ladies and gentlemen,
anderson cooper has been spray-tanned. >> jimmy: there's no way he wanted that. [ cheers and applause ] >> they get me. they finally get me. look, he -- we have kind of an agreement, which is he wants things to be in like a cone of silence. so what i then do is i come on your show and then tell your audience and you on television everything he tells me privately. >> jimmy: what did he tell you privately? >> oh, i could go on for hours. >> jimmy: really? >> and then we'll talk about my dinner the night before with ryan seacrest, who's the devil. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i can't believe that even happened. but what about this cone of silence? reveal. lift the cone, please. >> fine, fine, fine. so anderson will say things like, well, you're not going to ask me any embarrassing questions, right? and i'll say of course not, anderson. that's just not my way. and then somehow i asked him the price of a carton of eggs.
>> jimmy: uh-huh. >> of course he's a vanderbilt. so he thought it was $1,000. [ laughter ] and the next day he texted me. he goes, "now the whole world knows i don't know the cost of a carton of eggs." and i said, honey, they never thought you knew. [ laughter ] that's who he is. that's why we love him. because he's so perfect and he's so gorgeous and he's such a great news guy and he's going to host the town hall with barack obama. although he told me this in the cone of silence. >> jimmy: what? >> he said make sure you don't tell anybody. so here we go. he said he's way more -- he said before new year's, he goes, you know i'm way more nervous about what's going to happen with you than sitting down with barack obama thursday. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yes. >> jimmy: barack obama doesn't spray pesticides in his face while he's doing the show. >> he should think about it. it's fun. >> jimmy: it is funny. >> it's an executive order. >> jimmy: let's talk about your dinner with the man you describe as the devil, ryan seacrest.
you have said many terrible things about ryan seacrest. >> look, she and i made up. [ laughter ] i feel like -- >> jimmy: he is also your competitor on new year's eve. >> competitor. she wishes. please. [ laughter ] so you know, i can talk to you because you are like friends with everybody. oh, by the way, congratulations on you and oprah buying weight watchers. i know you're behind this. i know you. i know your smoke and your mirrors. and i knew you from kroq when you did the sports and he read the paper with the baseball cap. now he's got a beard and he buys weight watchers with oprah? what's going on? who are you? >> jimmy: i did not buy weight watchers with oprah. i would like to have bought it with oprah -- >> i'm going do spray-tan you until you're puerto rican. [ laughter ] so i agreed to have dinner with ryan seacrest even though -- >> jimmy: he invited you? >> look, he's afraid to say no. he's like you. it's a fear-based relationship.
>> jimmy: okay. >> so what i do is i use his name to make reservations at five of like the toughest restaurants to get into in manhattan. and then i call and cancel on his behalf. and i get to think of new reasons. i'm sorry, this is mr. seacrest's assistant. he can't come tonight because he realized he has no talent. bye-bye. [ laughter ] i'll call like le cirque and jean george. then i ended up just getting him to come to my hotel. then he starts with are we in a cone of silence? and i'm like yeah, we're in a cone of silence. if i'm not going to give it to cher i'm not going to give it to seacrest. >> jimmy: this is more a cylinder of silence with -- zwri poked a couple holes in it. he was upset with me because i said something on new year's eve. i thought it was funny. he wants me to correct the record. like it freaking matters. anyway. by the way, i think he's printing and [ bleep ] money right now. don't feel too bad for ryan.
anyway. when ryan seacrest is around me alone he tries to act like intellectual. [ laughter ] i know. i know, right? i've got to get my two emmys. here you go. he's like, oh, tell anderson i thought he did a really good job moderating the debate. so i love that window, right? i go, really? who are the candidates? right? and then he looks -- he's all nervous. and he's like we're in a cone of silence, right? i go yeah. who are the candidates? and he goes, you know, the one that moderated. so keep in mind, anderson moderated the democratic debate. and seacrest goes, trump, cruz, and hillary. come on. [ applause ] >> jimmy: nice. >> so then -- then -- >> jimmy: look how happy you guys look together. >> i know. that's why i'm going for the kill. >> jimmy: one of these people is the devil, but it's not ryan. >> what?
[ laughter ] so then he like texted me five times the next day. he's like i know that hillary is not a republican. i'm like, really? what's her middle name? see ya. rodham. anyway. so that was fun. >> jimmy: well, that's good. there won't be another dinner next year i'm guessing. who paid for the dinner? >> i pick up the tab every time. >> jimmy: did you really? >> no. i will say this, though. and this is one of the reasons that i loathe him. because you know, he's like a cute guy and like everything just freaking falls in his lap. and the kardashians are his fault. you know, we're all paying the price. they keep multiplying with candle and francine and the lip one and -- tyga's like texting a 14-year-old. now it's like kylie's mess. it's such a nightmare. so that's all his fault. he's the producer of that. so we can't be too easy on him. this is all cone of silence. >> jimmy: right, right. you can just -- it stays in this room alone. >> my boyfriend and i are sitting there with seacrest and
his date. [ laughter ] had to cost him a fortune. [ laughter ] anyway. that is terrible. i have crossed the line. >> jimmy: you really have. >> can we move on? anyway, so -- so two separate people, just because he's ryan seacrest, send him like $500 bottles of wine. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah. so that's what it's like to be ryan seacrest. wherever he goes he is so beloved. and then they probably feel bad for him because he's with me. so they just start sending him -- and i don't drink but my boyfriend's like that's really expensive wine. they think it's an honor to send ryan -- i wanted to break his balls with it. >> jimmy: i think you just -- >> because i'm a giver. >> jimmy: i think you just did. kathy griffin is here. we'll be right back. we need to take a break. [ cheers and applause ]
rootmetrics, in the nation's largest independent study, tested wireless performance across the country. verizon won big with one hundred fifty three state wins. at+t got thirty-eight, sprint got two, and t mobile got zero. verizon also won first in the us for data, call speed, and reliability. at+t got text. stuck on an average network? join verizon and we'll cover your costs to switch. "forget about the cowboy walk because of a saggy diaper" "it's time to dance freely" "thanks to new pampers cruiser"" "the first and only diaper that helps distribute wetness
evenly into three extra absorb channels." "so it doesn't sag and stays dryer" "so wiggle it" "jiggle it" "and do, whatever that is, in new pampers cruisers" "love, sleep and play. pampers" this is a body of proof. proof of less joint pain. and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage and clear skin in many adults. doctors have been prescribing humira for 10 years. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common,
and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. want more proof? ask your rheumatologist about humira. humira. this is my body of proof! ♪ beth, i hear you calling.♪.s ♪ but i can't come home right now... ♪ ♪ me and the boys are playing.♪. ♪ ... all nig♪t text beth, what can i do... [siri:] message. pick up milk. oh, right. milk. introducing the newly redesigned passat. from volkswagen. three new mediterranean takinspired dishes. ian fare. savory shrimp scampi sautéed in a mouthwatering garlic sauce. and flavorful new! chicken piccata. all under 575 calories. only at olive garden.
this turkyeah. natural? it's too good to be true. don't say that. it's called the 60 second six pack. it's called the abinator. it's called the pulsator. (buzzing sound) (groans) finally, something that's not too good to be true. it's oscar mayer natural turkey breast, and it tastes great. hey! so i'm looking at my bill and my fico credit score's on here. yeah! we give you your fico credit score. for free! awesomesauce! the only person i know that says that is... lisa? julie? we've already given more than 175 million free fico credit scores to our cardmembers. apply today at discover.com
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are back with kathy griffin. we're going to have to call ryan seacrest. now, you're on tour right now, your "like a boss" tour. and these are very, very funny and -- you do a lot of dates too. >> i did 70 cities last year. i'm going to do 70 more this year. i have so much new material. every show is different. i've done carnegie hall to, you know, the fantasy springs casino on saturday. where i don't know what kind of fantasy i'll be delivering. but i'll be telling tales after school. >> jimmy: i'd like to ask you about an e-mail i received after your appearance last year. you remember you were here and you asked me -- you invited me
to come to your comedy show. and i was like oh, this will be great. >> right. >> jimmy: i told my wife. this came from a gentleman named john olvera. an assistant of yours? >> yes. >> jimmy: he says, dear jimmy, hi, kathy griffin would love to invite to you a night of comedic fun. >> oh, how generous of me and my team. >> jimmy: she will be performing at the mark taper forum in los angeles. >> very prestigious mark taper downtown. >> jimmy: gives me the dates. unfortunately, we cannot currently give out com tops kathy's show. >> yes! >> jimmy: because it's a center theater group show in a limited seating auditorium. however, i've included a form for you to complete and return to me if you wish to purchase seats. usually best available. sorry for any inconvenience -- >> oh, bring it. >> jimmy: this is the form -- this is the invitation -- >> okay. are you freaking serious? >> jimmy: yes. >> you have the nerve -- you want comps, you rich [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
>> i agree with you. >> jimmy: he wears short leave shirts. don't even -- >> i cannot believe it. i should have charged you triple. >> jimmy: i must say i was surprised. >> oh, i'll bet. you should have seen all the responses from my celebrity friends. they were like, i have a cold. you want me for free. typical man. >> jimmy: kathy, where did this -- where was this photograph taken? >> so this is like two weeks ago, right? so i go to this thing. take it in. take it all -- >> jimmy: get even closer because i think you really need to see -- >> take it in. there's no retouching. this is why i have -- >> jimmy: this is -- >> this issy do 70 shows a year because i have so much material. i went to the hollywood reporter power women's breakfast. my table was kris jenner, selma blair, who's going to play her in that upcoming people versus o.j. thing. then rita willison and lena
dunham and meagan trainor, who loves the bass. it's all about the bass. and then looney tunes sean penn, who's freaking nuts. >> jimmy: he's not. >> sean penn's crazy. so anyway -- he's an amazing actor but he's crazy. and you're afraid of him. and i'm not. anyway -- look at his hair. look at his hair. he's got two academy awards. he's got all the money in the world. so i go up to sean. he's about to give an award to melinda gates. so i go up to them and he's talking to melinda gates. and i go excuse me, mrs. wozniak. [ laughter ] trying to make her laugh. so i go penn. and he turns around and goes "oh, geez." which i get a lot from celebrities. what's wrong with your hair? he goes, what do you mean? i go, it doesn't have a shape. you look like a homeless person. fix your hair. he goes what should i do? i go do you have any gel? he goes i don't think so, not on me. i go penn, barbra streisand's over there, robert redford, get it together. [ laughter ] so the best part is kris jenner
dared me to bring penn to our table. so i go penn, come with me. he goes, i don't want to. i took him over there. i go, ladies, a disheveled sean penn. [ laughter ] and i got a big hand. i was a big hit at my table. i probably won't be invited again. >> jimmy: no. >> but sean penn -- >> jimmy: there he is. there you are. >> so he started -- sean penn started his tribute to melinda gates and actually started by saying, i know i'm in a room full of women because kathy griffin just told me my hair looks like crap. and it got a big hand. i think he's a fan. sean and i were in a cone of silence. he's a big fan of mine. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. thank you so much for stopping by. in the middle of your big tour. 80 cities. the "like a boss" comedy tour. kathy griffin, everybody. we'll be right back with aaron sorkin. ♪ ♪
those who define sophistication stand out. those who dare to redefine it stand apart. the all-new lexus rx and rx hybrid. never has luxury been this expressive. this is the pursuit of perfection. man, i'm glaaflac!c pays cash. isn't major medical enough? no! who's gonna' help cover the holes in their plans? aflac! like rising co-pays and deductibles... aflac! or help pay the mortgage? or child care? aflaaac! and everyday expenses? aflac! learn about one day pay at aflac.com/boat blurlbrlblrlbr!!! you'd see all the sickness you're spreading.your cough, new robitussin cf max severe soothes and delivers
powerful relief of cough, sore throat, stuffy nose and fever. new robitussin cf max severe. because it's never just a cough. protect your clothes fromout in tstretching, fading, and fuzz.. ...with downy fabric conditioner... it helps protect clothes from the damage of the wash. so your favorite clothes stay your favorite clothes. downy fabric conditioner. wash in the wow. ♪ lemme get a mcpick2 ryes please. introducing new melty mozzarella sticks at mcdonald's. made with 100% real cheese. served hot. dip 'em in zesty marinara deliciousness. now on mcdonald's mcpick 2 for $2 menu. ♪ bada ba ba ba innovative sonicare technology with up to 27% more brush movements versus oral b.
get healthier gums in 2 weeks guaranteed. innovation and you. philips sonicare save when you buy the most loved rechargeable toothbrush brand in america. arturito souokay, okay. arturito soup! hi! arturito soup? follow me. campbell's new star wars inspired soups. arturito soup! yaaa! made for real, real life. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
west wing," "moneyball," "the social network" and many more. now he is nominated for a writer's guild and golden globe awards for "steve jobs." please welcome aaron sorkin. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's great to have you here. >> great to be here. >> jimmy: there aren't many writers who are famous by face. like who people see you and recognize you. when did that first happen for you? >> you know, i'm not sure. i think maybe it was either during "the west wing" or i was arrested at burbank airport with a lot of cocaine in my back. and i think i became known for that as well. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, that's an attention grabber. >> yeah. >> jimmy: your movies, your television shows are kind of -- there's almost an aaron sorkin way when it comes to dialogue, the way the characters talk to each other. in fact, let's play a clip from the movie here from "steve jobs." >> just acknowledge the top
guys. >> have a mimosa and relax. >> you will not blow me off right now, steve. the top guys -- >> these are top guys. all right? on the apple 2 team there are no top guys. they're b players and b players discourage the a players. and i want a players at apple and not dell. >> they're not b players and i'm a better -- >> 90 days from insolvency. in part because somebody thought the newton wasn't a box of garba garbage. >> could you come off -- >> leave him. >> i'm talking about -- >> you guys designed and shipped a little box of garbage while i was gone. >> i'm talking about the apple 2, which is not just a crucial part of this company's history, it is a crucial part of the history of personal computing! >> jimmy: i really enjoyed that movie. [ cheers and applause ] seth rogen was fantastic. >> seth rogen and michael fassbender. they're both great in the movie along with kate winslet, jeff daniels. it's a fantastic cast. we had a great time making it. >> you must be so happy when it comes out like that, something that you've sat there and hashed out yourself. >> yeah.
listen, it's really hard. it was a hard movie to write. it took a couple of years. but when you do see it up there. danny boyle direct td, who directed "slumdog millionaire." with this cast, you really feel no pain. and by the way, the movie has been out for three months but if you go now you'll still be among the first to see it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't understand that. because it's really good. and we don't -- >> it just is an odd thing that happened. the movie, which premiered at all the prestigious film festivals, it was the darling of the film festivals, it opened to really rave reviews. we opened in what's called a platform release, which is where you just open it in two theaters in new york and los angeles to begin with, and we set records for a limited release. and then when it went wide nobody outside of cities went to see it for some reason. >> jimmy: maybe you need to go to burbank with a briefcase full
of cocaine again. >> i've tried. [ laughter ] they're not stopping me anymore. >> jimmy: you said it was a hard movie to write. what made it hard, and what was your easiest movie to write? >> writing is really hard for me. i haven't had an easy one. this one, "steve jobs," what was hard was that i knew what i didn't want to do, which was write a biopic, a traditional biopic, a cradle to grave story where you land on the character's greatest hits along the way. that i wanted to do something else. and what that turned out to be was frankly a lot of dialogue. and -- which if you are a little familiar with my work it's not that surprising. when i grew up, in my family, at my family's dinner table, anybody who used one word when they could have used ten just wasn't trying hard enough. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i see. people are talking over each other -- >> yeah. when i really -- and i really --
like everybody in my family is smarter than i am. all of my friends are smarter than i am. all of my friends growing up were smarter than i was. and i really started to enjoy the sound of smart people arguing with each other. and i wanted to imitate that sound. >> jimmy: when you hear people talking in public, do you make mental notes? do you think oh, that might be something i work into -- >> yeah. i love when i come in on the middle of a conversation, if i'm having a sandwich in a diner or something and i can hear the people in the next booth and one of them is really angry and just says, i mean, how many people can you think of named gordon? [ laughter ] and i'll think, i just want to write the beginning of that conversation and see if i can get there, if i can get to that line. >> jimmy: that line that i mentioned in your introduction, "you can't handle the truth," when you wrote that did you know that that was great? >> i liked the line. i didn't think it was going -- i never imagined that it would -- that burger king would use it, you know, you can't handle this
whopper, that kind of thing. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: were you there when -- >> to have that kind of great -- >> jimmy: when jack nicholson was filming it. were you on set? >> oh, sure. he is for real. he's a total pro. you know, the big speech that he has. >> jimmy: yeah. >> which is cued up by "you can't handle the truth." we spent the entire day just shooting that speech. that part of the scene. and there came a point where he didn't need to be there anymore, where we were doing the coverage of other people, where you're not pointing the camera at jack anymore, you're now pointing the camera at the jurors, at the judge, at the defendants, at the lawyers, that kind of thing. it's called coverage. and the director, rob reiner, said jack, you don't have to keep doing this three-page speech. we can send you home and just have a second a.d. read it off camera. and he said -- i can't do the voice. he said, "no, i just love to act." and he kept doing it all day and all night. >> jimmy: that's almost lunacy,
isn't it? >> yeah. there's nothing like having your first experience, your first movie be with jack nicholson. >> jimmy: i would think not. i tell you, i can't recommend the movie highly enough. it's called "steve jobs." if you haven't seen it, which as aaron mentioned you haven't -- [ cheers and applause ] go see it. aaron sorkin, everybody. we'll be right back with the internet. ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. announcer: for the new mattress models-- during sleep train's huge year end clearance sale. for a limited time, save hundreds on tempur-pedic mattresses. get the most highly recommended bed in america at closeout prices.
>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: special thanks to kathy griffin, aaron sorkin. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. but first, their album is called "ego death." here with the song "get away," the internet! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ now she wanna come with me live a life of luxury models in my money trees such beautiful company ♪ ♪ f a nine to five i'm seeing dollar signs but i'm still driving round in my old whip ♪ ♪ still living at home got issues with my old chick she's blowing up my phone hot ♪ ♪ talking 'bout some old ish like who's this who's that could be worse so to ♪ ♪ calm her nerves i just tell her roll up and light it let's ♪ ♪ go to space be my co i'll be the pilot let's ♪ ♪ get away let's get away let's get away let's get away baby let's get away ♪ ♪ if money doesn't fall from trees
then maybe we can make believe today ♪ ♪ all i need is company and rest assured i got it babe ♪ ♪ working for the finer things getting it all kinds of ways pennies all ♪ ♪ in my champagne everyday we celebrate your little funds a million ain't enough ♪ ♪ but i'm still driving round in my old whip still living at home got issues with my new ♪ ♪ chick she's blowing up my phone hot all i hear is womp womp womp womp ♪ ♪ but it could be worse girl calm your nerves i want you to roll up an l and light ♪ ♪ it let's go to space be my co i'll be the pilot let's get away ♪ ♪ let's get away let's get away let's get away baby let's
♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, on the bus and behind the scenes with ted cruz as the gloves come off in the race for president. >> he's got this cloud over his head. >> donald trump now taking aim at a serious threat in iowa and new hampshire. >> cruz appealing to the voters with prayers -- >> you had me at hello. >> -- and impersonations. >> make sure to hang him high. into the ice. we go deep inside a glacier where the view is stunning. but what we see is sobering. the effects of warmer temps up close. this mammoth glacier in iceland melting at alarming rates. what this means for the ocean beaches here at home.