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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  July 20, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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for dan and ama, i'm larry beil. >> stay tuned for cara dele ♪ >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, from "suicide squad," cara delevingne. comedian jeff ross. and music from culture club. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, everybody, i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching, thanks for
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coming. we're in hollywood, more than 20,000 miles away from the republican national convention happening in cleveland. tonight, episode three, featuring all of donald trump's family members and frenemies. ted cruz spoke, eric trump spoke. donald trump jr. said his dad was his best friend, which is sweet and a little sad. i was imagining if my dad was running for president, and i thought about it for a long time. i think my speech could say, my dad taught me, the most important thing, when someone offers you his finger and asks you to pull it, don't.
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nothing good comes of it. [ laughter ] but he's not going to be president. i will say, one of the things i've been enjoying most about the convention, almost everyone refers to him as donald j. trump, like there's another one running around. but i've thoroughly enjoyed everyone saying it. >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump. >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump. >> donald j. trump! [ cheers and applause ] . >> jimmy: come here, mom. give me a hug.
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i don't know. the "j" is a big thing. and a lot of people don't realize, the "j" stands for jamal. he left cleveland and went straight to new york after his wife spoke, people think, but chris christie. watch kind of in the background. you will see -- [ laughter ] it just seemed like he wasn't there because that had an orange background, but he was there. i think the most unusual comments were made by former trump rival dr. ben carson. speaking with the authority of a brain surgeon that had performed a lobotomy on himself.
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saying that lucifer is her top running mate. that's how you feel the bern. but maybe even more interesting than that, dr. carson's warning not to underestimate how damaging four years can be. >> we must be wary of the narrative being advanced by some in our party. the notion that a hillary clinton administration wouldn't be that bad, the effects wouldn't be temporary. you know, that it would only last for four, and at most eight years. they're not using their god-given brain to think about what they're saying. she will be appointing people that will have an effect on us for generations. and america may never recover.
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>> jimmy: this is what he said in march about donald trump. >> even if he turns out to not be such a good president, which i wouldn't think is the case. i think he's going to surround himself with good people. but even so, it will only be four years. >> jimmy: people say crazy things when they're talking in their sleep. a good thing they have a doctor there. some members of the convention contracted the losing bowel control, basically what happens to chris christie after walking off stage after
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endorsing trump. you probably know what happened, malaria -- [ laughter ] i mean melania trump being accused of stealing her speech from mrs. obama. and then a speechwriter took responsibility, saying melania told her she addmires mrs. obama, and the woman that actually wrote the things melania pretended to write, admitted she pretended to write the things that melania preten pretended to write. but if you had to give a speech in sloveniaish, you would have
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to write a few paragraphs in english, too. and guillermo is out on hollywood boulevard, armed with a barber chair, barber pole. it's hot out there. to cool people off, guillermo is going to give free hair cuts. are you licensed? >> guillermo: not at all, jimmy. >> jimmy: we did this once before, and there were no lawsuits. let's bring in this man, what is your name, sir? [ applause ] i'm sorry, i couldn't hear you. >> tyler. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> michigan. >> jimmy: very good. you seem to have a lot of hair. >> i do. >> jimmy: are you proud of your
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hair? >> sure. >> jimmy: okay. are you ready to say good-bye to it? >> yes. >> jimmy: what do you do for a living, my i ask? >> i work in the cannabis industry. >> jimmy: all right. [ applause ] so, we can test that hair afterwards, i guess, huh? >> it will not test clean. >> jimmy: so this is why you agreed to do this. guillermo, what are you doing? >> guillermo: i'm trying to see where i will start. >> jimmy: i want you to take it seriously, and really try to give him a good hair cut. >> guillermo: all right, i'll try by best. >> jimmy: are you ready? >> i'm ready. >> jimmy: guillermo, dig in there. i should ask, how much do you want off the top? maybe we should have asked that
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first. >> i guess all of it. >> jimmy: oh, boy, guillermo, you went crazy. what number do you have that set on? >> guillermo: i think number 4. >> jimmy: that looks good right there. >> guillermo: yeah, it does look good. >> jimmy: you keep doing that, we'll check back in later and see how tyler's hair looks. the republican national convention is a good place to hear people talk politics. but one thing brings me back year after year. and that is, white people dancing. the rnc is the world's premier caucasian amateur dance festival. we put together a fun little highlight reel that says all that needs to be said. ♪ ♪ white people dancing we love to clap and mix it up and snap ♪
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♪ sometimes a black friend will get in on the fun ♪ ♪ yeah white people >> jimmy: yeah, it's good stuff. guillermo, let's see. oh, wow. you know what, it actually looks pretty good. i have to say. okay, on closer inspection, it does not look that good. yeah. all right. well, have you seen it yet? have you seen what has happened? >> not yet, but i don't have high hopes. >> jimmy: guillermo -- take a look. >> guillermo: perfect, huh? >> jimmy: it's a little bit uneven. >> guillermo: all right, let me fix it. >> jimmy: i think we have some crazy glue here. we can put some of that back on.
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finish up, and we can get somebody else. sorry about that, just think about all the money you'll save on shampoo. we'll take a break. when we come back, i asked jeff ross, the roast master general to walk around our office and roast members of the staff when they were working. we'll do that, and we'll also give out another hair cut. stick around, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hey there. hi, i'm looking for a deal on an iphone... ...i was thinking, something along these lines. oh, okay. well, how about this? here's my answer. is this you with a dinosaur body? it's just me with happy hands... it just means i'll take it.
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right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. and these are the lungs. (boy) sorry. (dad) don't worry about it.
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(vo) at our house, we need things that are built to last. that's why we got a subaru. (avo) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. now you can't spell nutriam i right?t nut, i mean whose to say it's pronounced nu-triton, anyway? my mixes contain delicious nuts, specially blended for your optimal nut-rition. that's right, i just changed a word in the english dictionary, forever. planters. nutrition starts with nut.
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♪ ♪ ♪ starbucks® small-batch cold brew coffee. in stores now.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the
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show. let's go back out to hollywood boulevard, oh, no. now, this is a bad idea. what is your name? >> my name is grace. >> jimmy: did you see the last guy's hair cut? >> yeah. >> jimmy: guillermo, you can't do this. i don't know, guillermo -- have you ever cut a woman's hair before? >> guillermo: no, never. >> jimmy: okay. i think it would be better if cara delevingne takes over. have you ever cut someone's hair before? >> no. >> jimmy: okay. do you think you will do a better job than guillermo did? >> no. >> jimmy: looking at this young lady, do you have any ideas of how you might approach this?
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>> i thought i could close my eyes. >> jimmy: you could lose an e eyebr eyebrow. tell me about yourself. >> i'm from florida, and i love stepping out of my comfort zone. >> jimmy: yeah, maybe you'll go into a manhole after this. do you really love stepping out of your comfort zone? >> yeah, that's why i'm doing this. >> jimmy: and do you trust cara to give you a good hair cut? >> yes. >> jimmy: let's get started. >> it's this way, right? >> jimmy: no -- that's, oh, wow. okay. we're going -- and, yeah, that's a good look there. oh, wow. >> i think i'm quitting my day job. this is my thing, now. >> jimmy: well, yeah, i guess so. i feel like there are going to
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be tears at the end. we'll come back to you guys. don't rush, take your time with that, okay? >> oh, i will. >> jimmy: all right. and jeff ross is with us as well. jeff, from the roasts on comedy central. he has a new show jeff ross presents roast battle. his gift is making fun of people. i challenged him to go around our office and roast unsuspecting staff members. and here it is, jeff ross roasts our office. >> the roast master general. i want to get in full roast mode for roast battle. so i thought i'd try to roast people around the office at "jimmy kimmel live." hey, guys. what's going on, fellas? tupac's cousin, chicken pac.
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and steven seagal if he let himself go. guillermo. can i come in? wow, it's like trump built a wall around just you. is this your fortress of siestatude? [ laughter ] where's jimmy's office? >> down here. >> what's your job? >> research. >> jimmy, this guy is watching james corden. how you doing? it's all working out for you. >> jimmy: everything is good here. >> can i take a look around? >> jimmy: yeah, what do you think? >> is this the window you jump out of when the ratings come in?
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oh, look, this is great. who's over here? >> jimmy: that's josh. >> oh, look, a jewish comedy writer. who would have guessed it? >> jimmy: how do you know he's jewish? >> i looked at him. >> jimmy: leave him alone. >> this is the producer of my segment. who is your decorator, al qaida? ken, thank you for being my producer, even though you're dressed as a limo driver. what do you do? >> casting. >> wow. you look like amy winehouse, if she went to rehab. what do you do?
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wow, i found a pokemon. it's great, i never met a dinklage before. where do you shop? bad will? this is great, i've never been on "hoarders" before. wow, this is amazing. look at this office. is this where the rams are supposed to play? any way, want to [ bleep ] on a desk? i love the way your boobs bounce up and down when you laugh. no, i'm talking to sal. i like your shirt. i didn't realize you worked as a
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pharmacist during the day. >> you went too far. >> stop! stop! >> say uncle! say cousin! say something! >> no! [ bleep ]! that's my best hat. stop! you need to be able to take a joke in this world, people. never roast people unless they volunteer. >> jimmy: thank you, jeff. let's check back in with cara and guillermo. oh, wow. you know what, it looks pretty -- oh, wow. are you going to keep it like that? before and after is quite a sight. >> oh, yeah. i love it. >> jimmy: well, i believe cara would accept a tip if you have any money in your purse.
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that looks beautiful. great job, cara. and we have a special something for you, just in case you don't like it. a make america great again hat. tonight, peter tickell is with us on the violin. we have music from culture club, jeffrey ross is here, and we'll be right back with cara delevingne. so, stick around. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] which one of theseing awards appeals most to you? the top safety pick midsize car and suv. most dependable. means a lot to me. the green car because i like fuel efficiency. what if there was a car company that received all of these awards. one company won an award in all these? chevy.
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ahhhh! chevy. chevrolet is the most awarded car company of the last two years. i love it! it's fierce. how would you sum this car up in one word? incredible. amazing. i can't use one word. sorry... sorry... regerts? sorry, i was eating a milky way. ♪
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auto insurance? what's
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alright, let me get tunbeatable. straight. unbeatable? seriously? cannot be beat? you heard me man, unbeatable. how's that possible? got the formula, got the chemistry. ahhh, but the others are all talking. right, right, talk-ity, talk-ity, talk.
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but when it comes to helping keep the engine clean, no gasoline can beat chevron with techron. ah-ha, that's impressive. no gasoline cleans better than chevron with techron. care for your car. (spitting. thud.) nailed it! sweet! (both cars laugh) [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: there we go. that's peter tickell sitting in with the cletones on violin. he's on tour with sting and peter gabriel. we saw the show on sunday night. we said, we have to get this guy on the show, so thanks for coming. you do you like better, sting or peter gabriel? >> i can't really comment on
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that. >> jimmy: but you have somebody in mind? >> i like them both equally. >> jimmy: tonight, he's got a new show called "jeff ross presents roast battle" premiering next thursday night on comedy central, jeff ross is here. then, all the way from london, they are on their first world tour in more than 15 years, culture club from the samsung outdoor stage. because we missed them blind. tomorrow, viggo mortensen will be here, george lopez will join us, and we'll hear music from colin hay, and our friend jake byrd crashed the republican national convention. we will have the results of that for you. our first guest tonight is a model-turned-actress with 31 million followers on instagram, and magic powers you will not believe. she stars alongside will smith, jared leto, and margot robbie in "suicide squad." on more -- march 5th. ♪
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>> meet the enchantress. everything we know about her is in your briefing packs. she has walked this earth for a long time. >> this meeting is now a magic show? >> magic show or not, she can do some incredible things. go get it, girl. >> jimmy: please say hello to cara delevingne! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: great to see you. i always forget about the european thing with the two kisses. >> here we go.
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>> jimmy: you really seemed to have a zeal for that hair cut. >> it just glided through. >> jimmy: did you decide to give her the pigtails on the side? >> i was going to leave the front, but guillermo screwed it up. >> jimmy: he is unlicensed. it's very good to see you. >> i'm not, clearly. >> jimmy: i know you have a number of tattoos. i wanted to ask you about one in particular. this really attracted me, i will admit it. put that up on the screen. that's on the bottom of your foot, that's real, right? [ applause ] does this refer to the bacon we have for breakfast, or francis bacon? or something? >> any bacon is good. it's maroon as well, bacon-colored, it's an
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open-ended statement. however you want to take it. it's also scratch and sniff. >> jimmy: really? your feet smell like bacon. and i'm guessing, based on the fact that you have a bacon tattoo, you're not jewish. >> i'm trying to become a vegetarian. >> jimmy: are you? >> maybe i'll make it veggie bacon. >> jimmy: i like regular bacon, from the pig. yeah. well -- from the old pig. yeah. how do you like it cooked, crispy, medium? >> crispy. sometimes raw, if i want to lose some weight. back in my modeling days -- >> jimmy: i saw "suicide squad" last night. i saw it before you -- oh, you haven't seen it yet? the next question, you won't have an answer for it.
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but i was thinking, how awesome would it be to see yourself on a screen with that, with powers and doing incredible things? i don't know that i would ever stop watching it. i really wouldn't. it's got to be really exciting. >> it's really weird. >> jimmy: did you know anybody in the cast before shooting? >> a little bit. >> jimmy: but nobody really close. do you feel like you're an actual unit in any way? >> 100%. we have a text thread called "suicide squad" for life, and we talk basically every day. >> jimmy: is will smith on this text thread with you? >> yes. yes. >> jimmy: he is. wow. seems like he'd be too busy for that. >> he makes time for the squad life. >> jimmy: i saw a video of you on i think your instagram. you're doing an amazing thing.
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put this up. here we go. this is a water bottle you put on your head, and you can get up. >> i look possessed. this is why i got the part in "suicide squad." >> jimmy: this is her real superpower, getting up and standing. >> how many necks do i have? >> jimmy: without dropping the bottle. how did you develop this skill? >> this is an evian bottle, by the way. at the end of the shoot, i was like, how can i get some attention? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i really feel like i could do it. >> i want to challenge you. >> jimmy: so we have these bottles. you may need to coach me through it. >> let's do it together. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. >> if i do this in heels and a dress, you have to shake my hand. >> jimmy: all right. i get on the ground. >> no, no, no.
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you have to go down and come back again. >> jimmy: i thought you started on the ground. okay. >> you're way too close to me. >> jimmy: i don't know where you are. >> i don't know where you are either. >> jimmy: all right. i've still got it on. [ laughter ] all right. i'm already down on the ground. now, have to get back up. which, it's already starting to wobble. [ cheers and applause ] it's -- i still have it on. i still -- i haven't dropped it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] wow. wow. i did it! nicely done. cara delevingne, everyone.
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"suicide squad," august 5th in imax. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ starbucks® cold brew coffee. available in original black. and now with house-made vanilla sweet cream. smooth meets sweet. in stores now. only at starbucks. ahhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhh! what are we "ahhhing' about!? my money, it's gone! that's just bad security
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welcome to the show. our friends at i can't believe it's not butter have created a revolutionary new toaster, that's right, a toaster that will have you saying "i can't believe it's a toaster!" but don't take my word for it. watch this humorous sketch. ♪ >> guillermo: ay, ay, ay. oh! what? how? >> can't you read it? this is fabio's toaster. >> guillermo: i'm sorry. are you mad at me? >> no. >> guillermo: so, what is your favorite toast. i like white. wheat is okay. i don't like rye. >> isn't my toast handsome? >> guillermo: very handsome, just like you.
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can i use your toaster just once? >> no, but fabio will feed you just once. >> guillermo: can you put some fabulous i can't believe it's not butter on it? >> i don't know any other way. ♪ >> guillermo: fabio. fabio. >> what are you doing? >> guillermo: fabio was here and he was feeding me toast. >> maybe you should take the rest of the day off. >> guillermo: you're still handsome. >> for more, visit us icantbelieveitsnotbutter.com. >> jimmy: we'll be back with jeff ross!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: our next guest is our country's greatest roaster since kenny rogers. his new show pits comedian against comedian, "jeff ross presents roast battle" premieres on comedy central next thursday
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night at 10:00 p.m. please say hello to jeff ross. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how you doing? >> this is so fun. >> jimmy: i'm happy to have you here. just want you to explain to the audience, they may not know what a roast battle is. >> two comedians going mike to mike in verbal combat. >> jimmy: i saw this a couple weeks ago. it's unbelievably funny, it's vicious, and the comedians usually kind of know each other. sometimes they don't. how did this start? >> who comedians were in a
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parking lot, almost having a fist fight. brian moses said, go home, write some jokes about each other and come back tomorrow. and in the end, i think it brought them closer together. >> jimmy: they couldn't have been much farther apart. >> one of them was a stoner, and one of them was a stutterer. >> jimmy: really? >> i don't remember their names, but i remember it took a long time to do the battle. 16 comedians from 4 different countries, roasting each other, one-on-one, it's like a home run derby of roasting. they research each other, do their 4 or 5 best jokes, sometimes it goes to sudden
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death. and you're judging it. >> jimmy: what do i have to do as a judge? >> the rules are original material only. no yo mama jokes. it's a joke writer's showcase. nothing is off limits. no chill, but no physical contact. you can't touch the other person until the end. every battle ends with a hug. >> jimmy: for me, i just sit and make sure the material seems to be original. >> your job is to get wasted and decide who is funnier. >> jimmy: how many times have you roasted donald trump? >> i guess twice officially. >> jimmy: twice officially. >> and one time he flew we down to his resort to make fun of him in front of his members. >> jimmy: i see.
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and did he react well to that? because he's notoriously thin-skinned, right? >> i'm still alive. >> jimmy: was there anything off-limits? >> you can make fun of his hair, his appearanappearance, the fac you can say he might be our first orange-american president. but the one thing he's super sensitive about, you can't make fun of how much money he's lost. >> jimmy: did he say anything to you about it? >> the writers were sending him his jokes. what's the difference between a wet squirrel and donald trump?
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$16 billion. he wanted higher. he didn't care that they were making fun of his hair. >> jimmy: have you ever roasted hillary clinton? >> that would be fun. i would like to see and hillary clinton not debate but have a roast battle. he could be like, i need four insults about north korea by 3:00 p.m., if i was a member of his roast cabinet. it was a very surreal plane ride, i will admit. >> jimmy: the plane ride with donald trump. why? >> i called it hair force one. we chit-chatted, and watched a movie. >> jimmy: what movie did you watch? >> "american history x".
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>> jimmy: i don't know if that's a joke or not. >> he laughed the entire way through it. >> jimmy: this was something you tweeted on july 15th. breaking news, the country of turkey will now be pastrami. take me through the process of this one. >> inspiration can come from anywhere. >> jimmy: where did this come from? >> katz's deli in new york. i see there's a revolution happening, and i'm like, hey, i've got some political humor. >> jimmy: did anybody think it was insensitive? >> one guy wrote back, said, at
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least they won't go hungary. >> jimmy: "jeff ross presents roast battle" premieres next thursday at 10:00 p.m. on comedy central. and we shall return with outdoor music from culture club. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] people love my portobello mushroom buttery jack, made with portobello mushrooms, grilled onions, and garlic herb butter. ever wonder how i came up with it? well... actually, i came up with it at the water cooler. but i thought you'd like this cowboy story better. the portobello mushroom buttery jack is back.
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part of the buttery jack family. taste it before it's gone.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'd like to thank cara delevingne, jeff ross, and i want to apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first, you can see them this summer on their first u.s. tour in over 15 years, here with the song "miss me blind," culture club! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me blind ♪ i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me blind ♪ i know you'll ♪ i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me blind
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♪ i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me blind ♪ bet you got a good gun bet you know how to have some fun and then you turn it around ♪ ♪ on me because i'm better than the rest of the men i say you'll miss me ♪ ♪ and you always do i say you'll miss me now would i lie to you now there's no ♪ ♪ need to demand grab my golden hand i'll teach you and you'll never be sure ♪ ♪ if the way that you need is too much like greed decide if you are ♪ ♪ rich or you're poor i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll ♪ ♪ miss me blind
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i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll ♪ ♪ miss me blind bet you make the fool run bet you know how to make it last forever ♪ ♪ but you know i'm never really sure are you're just kissing to be clever ♪ ♪ i say you'll miss me and you always do i say you'll miss me now would i lie to you ♪ ♪ now there's no need to demand grab my golden hand i'll teach you ♪ ♪ and you'll never be sure if the way that you need is too much like greed decide if you are rich ♪ ♪ or you're poor because the love that i have to give
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must be better ♪ ♪ than that kind it can make you rich it can make you poor but i know that ♪ ♪ you'll miss me blind i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll ♪ ♪ miss me blind i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll ♪ ♪ miss me blind ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll ♪ ♪ miss me blind i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll ♪ ♪ miss me blind i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me blind ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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this is "nightline." tonight, high drama at the republican national convention. delegates showering ted cruz with boos. for refusing to endorse donald trump. and the nominee himself emerging from the wings to shut it down. also the campaign's big admission about melania's speech. >> you know, people make mistakes. >> the world isn't going to change itself, that's up to you. >> plus, music to protest by. the new group, prophets of rage says the party's over. striking some familiar chords from history while providing the convention's protest soundtrack. after this dangerous wreck, bystanders banding together to do the

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