tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC August 3, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
yoe. >> thank you for joining us on "jimmy kimmel live," hugh grant. >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, hugh grant, comedian nikki glaser, britney spears, and music from miranda lambert with cleto and the cletones. and now, not so fast -- here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. hi, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watchinging. thanks to all of you for coming.
thanks for joining my group thing. we do our show on hollywood boulevard, those of you in our studio audience are now aware is a dirty place. [ laughter ] pollution, cars and trucks, unclean superheroes roaming. we have hooters. it's disgusting. so yet even with all that unpleasantness, this hellhole we call hollywood is as fresh and crisp as the swiss alps compared to rio de janeiro right now. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the air is unsafe to breathe and the water has a hint of raw sewage. they say there's so much bacteria in the water it's hard to tell if they're hosting the olympics or a season of "bachelor in paradise." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: on top of that you have the crime and the zika virus. these athletes should get a medal for making it back on the plane home. i mean, really.
i'll tell you something, i miss the '80s when rio would dance upon the sand. just like the river twisting through a dusty land. i love the olympics. i like to watch it. also every four years i find out about a new place i don't ever want to go. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i have an important announcement for those traveling to rio or anywhere in the near future. the tsa is reminding passengers that batterranges are not allowed on planes. this is from the tsa's instagram account. apparently so many people have been trying to take this on the plane the tsa felt compelled to speak out. there are more than a dozen photos of confiscated batterangs on the tsa account. i don't know if they confiscated them from passengers on their way to comic might have con or what. if you have a batterang, leave it at home with your mother,
okay? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: >> jimmy: if i got stuck in a tsa security line because some bonehead tried to bring a batterang on the plane. i say the lines at the airport are already long enough. as your future vice president, i don't just saw, i plan to do something. [ cheers and applause ] my fellow americans. summertime is a time when many of us go on vacation. many of you are on vacation right now. many you are on trips with your terrible children. and it's difficult enough. these long lines at the airport, i don't know about you, but i don't like waiting in line. do you like waiting in lines? [ audience: no! ] >> jimmy: sorry we made you wait in a line to get in. if there's one thing americans
can agree on we hate to wait in line. that's why when i am elected i will propose all airport security lines in every city be transformed into lazy rivers. that's right. [ cheers and applause ] when i am vice president, instead of standing in line carrying your stuff, you'll get in a tube, you'll get a beer, and you and your luggage will float right through security. [ cheers and applause ] and yes, we will still have to take our shoes off. but now we will get to take our pants off too. [ cheers and applause ] not only is it a huge boost for morale, it will keep us safe. have you ever seen a terrorist in a lazy river? i haven't. a lazy river at the airport would allow us to do both of the things we love to do most. being lazy, and peeing in a public place. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
as your vice president, i will make that happen for you. thank you! [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. you like that idea? >> guillermo: that's a great idea. >> jimmy: you like that? and he can't even swim. he's willing to drown for this idea. you know, this is interesting and important to keep in mind when you are traveling. the odds of getting killed in a plane crash are 1 in 11 million. the odds of being killed in a car are 1 in 5,000. it's much more dangerous. part of the reason is that most people driving cars and trucks aren't professional drivers like airline pilots are. some of the people on the road aren't even people. >> an employee says she was on a break when she noticed a car in this space started moving slowly toward her. as the car inched closer, she assumed the driver maybe was somebody she knew who was messing with her. until she saw this face in the driver's seat. the car crashed into the front of the building. the employee says a second dog in the passenger seat then
pushed the car window down. >> dogs can be your best friends. in this situation they can be your enemy too. >> jimmy: wow. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i think we've found our new bachelor. so true, dogs can be your enemies. i had a parakeet once tried to kill me with a steak knife. speaking of vehicles careening out of control, according to multiple reports donald trump's campaign staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the campai campaign. i don't blame him, who could have ever guess head would do something like this? he's usually so low-key. [ laughter ] ordinarily after a candidate gets the nomination, typically he or she tries to pivot to the center to attract undecided voters. but this week alone, trump insulted the parents of a fallen soldier, he called hillary clinton the devil, and he kicked a baby out of a support rally. i haven't seen anything like this since charlie sheen's
violent tore peat toe of truth tour. he's even picking fights with fellow republicans. he refused to endorse arizona senator john mccain, refused to endorse speaker of the house paul ryan, even though both endorsed him. it's like "the real housewives of orange face county." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the head of the republican national committee, reince priebus, is said to be absolutely furious. they say he has not been this angry since he found out his name was reince priebus. [ laughter ] meanwhile, antonio sabato jr., who spoke at the republican national convention to endorse donald trump, claims that ever since that day, he's been blacklisted by hollywood. of course antonio's best known for finishing eighth place on "dancing with the stars." but now he says the liberals who run show business don't want to work with him. i guess we're supposed to believe that before the speech,
the offers were pouring in? how can you get blacklisted from something that didn't even have you listed in the first place? the last project i have ever even heard antonio sabato jr. was in was "the three stooges" movie. this is not a joke, put it on the screen. he played handsome guy number one. they didn't even give him a name. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] now the work has dried up, i guess. i'll tell you something. he's still handsome and he's still number one, nobody can take that away from him. hillary clinton is still running for president which is easy to forget in the middle of this giant trump a palooza. clint supporters had a fund-raiser tonight at a cyber security convention in las vegas, which is all the proceeds wg toward teaching hillary how to use her e-mail account. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] hillary clinton and donald trump have very different views on just about everything. it's a polarizing election. and they have almost no common
ground. but i always wonder whether people are really paying attention to the issues or not. so for the most part, i think it doesn't matter what a candidate says, it matters to people which candidate says it. so to put this to the test we asked die-hard members of team hillary if they agreed with some things hillary said. but the quotes, the things we asked about, were not from hillary, they were quotes from donald trump. but will these democrats agree with hillary/donald trump? let's find out. >> what did you think when hillary clinton said, i see improved relations with russia from a position of strength only if possible. >> i agree with hillary. >> hillary clinton said, immigration is a privilege and we should not let anyone into this country who doesn't support our communities, all of our communities. >> well, i virtually have to agree with that. >> hillary said, in order to athe chief american dream let people keep more money in their
pockets and increase a uh-tax wages. >> yes, okay. in order -- that's a great idea so that we can start to move everybody up and start moving people out of the level of poverty. >> and obviously runs fairly contrast to what donald trump is proposing? >> absolutely. many comments run severe contrast to donald trump. >> what do you think of this quote from hillary. there's nothing i love more than women but they're really a lot different than portrayed, they're far worse than men, far more aggressive, and boy can they be smart. >> i agree. i've worked for 38 years at the hospital with women. that's very accurate. >> you think that's a sharp contrast to her opponent? >> absolutely. >> hillary clinton said, i like the concept of local education, i want to get rid of common core, i think common core is a disaster. >> well -- i'm an educator. i'm a schoolteacher. i think common core is a dissar tear too. >> what do you think of this hillary quote, i have never seen a thin person drinking diet coke. >> never seen a thin person
drinking diet coke? well, let me tell you something. diet coke does not make you thin. >> you would say get rid of common core, keep the diet coke? >> keep the diet coke. >> what do you think of this hillary clinton quote? i am opposed to gay marriage. >> well, i've heard that a lot from a lot of politicians. it's all about the timing, isn't it? no, hey, she's for us now, yay! i'll take that as a win. >> what do you think of this quote from hillary clinton, while bette midler is an extremely unattractive woman i refused to say that because i always insist on being politically correct. >> i am sure she never said that. >> you're right. [ applause ] >> i can't make any guarantees, i'm sorry about that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's okay. that horrible woman, sues everyone. pokemon go is making a lot of trouble, and britney spears pulled a prank on me in the middle of the night, so stick around for a chance to see what i look like when i sleep, after this.
this summer, t-mobile's throwing a galaxy free for all. right now get a free samsung galaxy for everyone in the family. you heard right a free samsung galaxy with every new line. and get 4 lines with 6 gigs each - for just 30 bucks a line. plus everybody gets unlimited streaming from their favorite services. don't wait - get a free samsung galaxy for everyone. get to t-mobile because the galaxy free for all is only for a limited time.
choose your favorite pasta,or piadina or sandwich. it all comes with our never-ending soup or salad. and all the breadsticks you want. starting at just $6.99 get never-ending value for lunch, today at olive garden. poallergies?reather. stuffy nose? can't sleep? take that. a breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38% more than allergy medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. breathe right. ♪ whatcha got there? new cheez-it sandwich crackers made with real cheese ummmm....sammiches
sandwich with a d sammich... sandwich sammich sammich see!!! ahahaha! we take time for our cheese to mature, in our new cheez-it sandwich crackers. sammiches... wokay, i got roped into spending the day with my sister's kids (makes farting noise) and they like keep talking about back to school shopping? back to school is like our red carpet. just go to old navy. they have like the coolest back to school clothes up to 60% off. it's what we all wear. and they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. noice! don't say "noice." sounds stank! no... stop. okay. um. guess what! we're going to old navy. who's excited? who wants to go shopping? ♪ ♪ ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello and welcome back. hugh grant, nicky glazer, music from miranda lambert is all on the way. first, this is a troubling sign of our digital time. according to a new study published by "the archives of sexual behavior journal" which i get at my house, millennials, born between 1980 and 1994, would rather go on the internet than have sex. which going on the internet and having sex are two different thins? i didn't realize that. isn't that crazy? imagine if we knew when we were teenagers one day there would be
an invention that is better -- that's more interesting than sex. if the human race is going to survive, we're going to have to invent a phone we can have sex with. we're going to have to start mating. [ cheers and applause ] i don't like to point fingers but i blame pokemon for this, specifically squirtle. this obama go thing, it's not letting up. it's not just kids playing it. this happened in washington, d.c. during an official state department press briefing. >> as the secretary said earlier today, though, and i think it's an important reminder -- you're playing the pokemon thing right there aren't you? it's an important reminder. we know this won't be easy, we recognize it's a challenge. this is why we convene this important ministerial and will continue to work with our partners -- did you get one? sorry about that. >> jimmy: you know what, it's really his fault for harling a
snarlaps on his shoulder. people playing pokemon go have caused a number of incidents and accidents which makes sense, people walking while looking down at their phones, of course something is going to happen. to raise awareness of this terrible plague, we collected a whole assortment of news stories to educate you with this cautionary pokemon-tage. >> two teens shot while going on another man's property to play pokemon go. >> in oregon two brothers on the hunt found a loaded handgun. >> the game led to something much bigger, the body of a dead man. >> he kept right on playing even after he was stabbed. >> the play led to a halfway house for sex offenders. >> men in california playing the game walked off a cliff. >> two kids in the uk got stuck in a cave. >> the game led 15-year-old autumn to cross a busy street in pittsburgh where she was hit by a car. >> lane smith was at a poke stop when a copperhead bit him otto.
>> you're looking at a pokemon go player in bosnia. on his phone. meters away from a sign warning of a minefield. >> six people were playing a popular game when a man with a gun came up and demanded money. but one of the players was also armed and both of them opened fire. >> william wilcox followed the map to the nearest pokemon gym which happens to be the police station. the problem is, he's a known criminal and had a warrant out for his arrest. >> the pokemon go game led to a car crash in baltimore. the driver said he was playing pokemon behind the wheel before he slammed into a police cruiser. >> that's what i get for playing this dumb [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: that's right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's a shame this game wasn't around 15 years ago, we could have used it to find bin laden a lot sooner. [ laughter ] if you watch this show you know i'm a great lover of pranks. mostly i like them when they're on other people. but i can also appreciate when a
good one is pulled on me. last year for april fools, rihanna broke into my house and jumped on my bed and started singing in the middle of the night. of course i changed the locks. somehow it's happened again. this time the culprit was another music superstar. and my wife, who again conspired against me. they assembled a team of dancers and they marched them up to my bedroom in the middle of the night, and well, it went exactly like this. >> okay, so yeah, a surprise for jimmy. we're going to go wake him up and see what happens. ♪ ♪
>> bye, jimmy! >> jimmy: thanks for coming by. have a good day. what happened to my wife? you can go too. >> sorry, jimmy! kids are here, we've got to be quiet. >> jimmy: this is how you become part of the group. how are you doing? >> hello. >> jimmy: wow. look at this. merry christmas. all right, well, thanks, everybody. everyone back to las vegas. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: her new album "glory" comes out, thanks to britney spears. i don't know why i'm giving her a plug, i should be calling the police on her! we have a good show. music from miranda lambert. from comedy central, nikki glaser is here and we'll be right back with hugh grant.
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by captain morgan. join the movement to let people under 35 be president by signing the petition at "under35potus.com". we were learning about how talented the ancient greeks were, and suddenly i traveled back in time! i thought, "i could have been a writer." or an athlete! i could have even been an architect! then i realized, i don't have to go back in time to do amazing things. i can start today. yes i can. time is the most valuable thing there is. [cuckoo cuckoo] people try to beat time... [scream] ...but time always wins. our greatest fear is running out of time. there's a bomb in the salsa can! we gotta get out of here! my phone's still charging! so if time is the most valuable thing there is, why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone?
why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone? [explosion] [explosion] ahhhhhhhh! the galaxy s7 edge, with fast wireless charging and our longest lasting battery. craso come dive into disheser like the new alaska bairdi crab dinner with sweet crab from the icy waters of alaska. or try crab lover's dream with tender snow and king crab legs. love crab? then hurry, crabfest ends soon.
-lois pricese. [ifrom grocery outlet. - hi, it's... the rest of us! - hey there. - hi! - hey. loifor over 60 years now, grocery outlet has been selling the brands you know and love, for up to 60% less than what you'd pay at traditional grocery stores. - and check this out. lois: we've got meats and produce, naturals and organics, at prices that'll make you wanna sing. - good thing we've got a really catchy theme song. hit it! - ♪ grocery outlet bargain market ♪ - ♪ bargain market ... now it's stuck in my head.
welcome back to the show. tonight from the show "not safe with nikki glaser" on comedy central. the host of the program comedian nikki glaser is here. then this is her new single. it's called "vice" the return of miranda lambert to the samsung stage. you can see her tomorrow night at the greek theater in l.a. and friday night at the verizon amphitheater in irvine. tomorrow, morgan freeman will be here, chef steve martorano is going to cook and we'll have music from young the giant. our first guest tonight is the star of many memorable movies, weddings, funerals and diaries. you name it. his latest with meryl streep is "florence foster jenkins." it opens august 12th. place say hello to hugh grant! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice to meet you.
very nice to meet you. very good to have you here. >> it's lovely to be here. you're very welcoming. >> thank you, thank you. >> i've always wondered, are you -- if an english person, an english golfer, an english middle-aged golfer thinks of kimmel, firstly of course they think of you. very soon after that they think of that disgusting liqueur. do you say liqueur or liquor? >> jimmy: we say liqueur. >> the really horrible ones you get after dinner. >> nobody wants but everybody drinks to be polite, yeah. >> the worst one in the world is kimmel. >> jimmy: yes. it's carroway seed flavored. >> like an old vase of daffodils. >> why is that a golf thing? >> because they still make the stuff in holland, i think. >> jimmy: german. >> it's so disgusting, no one in
the world drinks it except three -- all the members of three very old-fashioned golf clubs in scotland. the last three really old-fashioned ones. the only ones, in fact, that your future president hasn't bought yet. [ laughter ] i love those places. they survive entirely, these little old men, on kimmel. >> jimmy: see? >> it's the only pleasure in life because everything else is banned. if you play golf or if you've been -- >> jimmy: i play every once in a while. i've never been to one of those really fancy clubs. >> you should. >> jimmy: i should? >> it's sort of fascinating. they banned everything. they banned women. they say, you can eat here but i'm afraid the lady will have to eat outside. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah, there's a little hatch you're supposed to feed your girlfriend through. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> if you do get in or go without your girlfriend, they say, i'm sorry, you can't eat in here, you have to eat in the dirty bar. there's a special bar called dirty. for people who are not members.
you stand disgracefully in there? they call it the dirty bar? >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> they bring you toast. there's a little bit of butter but no jam. you say, is there any chance i might have some jam? oh, no, sir, there's no jam here. it's like you've asked for crystal meth. [ laughter ] or anal sex or something. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and you go to these places, huh? >> i was a very, very heavy golf user. >> you're not anymore? >> i'm in remission, i'm in rehab, yeah. >> jimmy: you have a new place to get drunk and go -- >> the race horse. i'm into race driving now. that's a great place to get drunk. >> jimmy: what cars do you race? >> well, silly mid life crisis cars. you know. >> jimmy: italian sports cars? >> italian sports cars, yeah. >> jimmy: who do you race against? >> other fat middle-aged men. [ laughter ] a lot of them are quite good. i'm remarkably bad. i have to say.
>> jimmy: you are? >> yeah, i love it because i look so nice in the costume. >> jimmy: yeah, right? >> i like having the racing license. it took me years to get it. it's such a cool thing to have. >> jimmy: there's an actual racing license? >> yeah, looks like a credit card. i always get it out by mistake in restaurants. oh, sorry, that's my racing license. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't think we have those here, i think anybody can race a car. >> i hope that's not true. >> jimmy: i don't think it's regulated. i don't know -- i've been in a couple of those, nobody ever asked me for a racing license. i used my regular driver's license there. >> mine's [ bleep ]. i got it in italy. >> see. >> on the day of the test they said, you have to do 12 laps without any speeding or crashes this time. i did 12 crashes and 12 spins. they said, it's all right, you have the license. >> jimmy: that's italy, they're lax. >> yeah, they're nice. >> jimmy: you have a lot of young kids? you've had a whole bunch of kids in the last few years. how does that work?
do you put baby seats in the back of your lamb boorghini or ferra ferrari? >> i let them drive. >> jimmy: you let them drive, that's nice. >> no, but they come on -- there's one little boy, really loves my races. >> he does. >> he's a tragic. he says to his mother, there's daddy. she has to say, no, no. that's daddy. >> jimmy: are you a strict parent? are you a relaxed type? >> i think i'm an enchanting parent, but -- >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> i can see now i've made -- i've made some errors. i, for instance -- i like to show my bare bottom to my children. >> jimmy: okay. >> they now do that to all the children at nursery. i like to wear my underpants on my head. nothing funnier than that. and now they wear their underpants on their head. all the little children in chelsea west london too. >> jimmy: you're setting a wonderful example. you mean mooning?
>> yes. >> jimmy: do they call it mooning? >> a bit of mooning. >> it's always funny, i feel like that's gone out of style. >> i know, it's always been funny to me. bringing it back. >> jimmy: you could bring that back. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hugh grant, the new father of mooning. we'll take a break. hugh grant's movie is called "florence foster jenkins." we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ al new orleans and we just couldn't say no to that face. then we wanted more of that local flavor so betty says... oh yeah, that's betty. you're going to want to do this alligator thing. and betty didn't lead us wrong. a little later we passed some dancing. and who doesn't like dancing? especially when it's followed by fireworks everyone's nola is different. follow yours. i like to use my backpack as a basketball!
assume nothing. unlike some other guys, these kraft dressings have no artificial flavors no synthetic colors no wonder it tastes so good. this summer, t-mobile's throwing a galaxy free for all. right now get a free samsung galaxy for everyone in the family. you heard right a free samsung galaxy with every new line. and get 4 lines with 6 gigs each - for just 30 bucks a line. plus everybody gets unlimited streaming from their favorite services. don't wait - get a free samsung galaxy for everyone. get to t-mobile because the galaxy free for all is only for a limited time. our biggest event of the year just got better! ♪ i'm free to do what i want and have a good time. ♪ announcing zero for seventy-two across the entire lineup of ford cars, trucks and suvs. so hurry in for 0% financing for 72 months. that's freedom from interest... and freedom to choose with ford. america's best selling brand. ♪ i'm free, baby!
now get 0% financing for 72 months across the entire lineup of ford cars, trucks and suvs, during the ford freedom sales event. (music - "time after time" ♪ by iron & wine.) ♪ we all want what's best for our kids. introducing mcdonald's new chicken mcnuggets. made with 100% white meat chicken and no artificial colors, flavors and now no artificial preservatives. ♪ that i was on the icelandic game show. and everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- "put that down. that's expensive." of course i save people an average of nearly $600, but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi.
>> jimmy: i am impressed. >> i'm impressed myself. >> jimmy: that is you dancing or your character dancing? do you have to practice or do you know how to dance like that? >> no, it was a nightmare. it's one of those things some idiot script writer dashes off in three seconds. "then bayfield dances and he's brilliant." how long does it take to type that? then i'm stuck in a dance studio for six months with sweaty people in a leotard learning. i have to say, i now have a little bit of an appetite. >> jimmy: for dance? really? >> i like now to express myself through movement. yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this will be good for weddings. >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: airport security line, all sorts of places like this where you can really move. >> well -- yes. funny you should mention. i just had an unfortunate experience just yesterday coming from jfk to here. i'd left my passport. >> jimmy: oh. >> to get through those tsa guys, who are marvelous no quarrel, you need to show i.d.
they didn't like a british driving license. >> jimmy: they didn't accept your italian driving license? >> no, i tried that. i had the whole virtual strip search. >> jimmy: you did? >> the curious thing is i almost enjoyed it. [ laughter ] the guy was okay, okay, now i'm going to pat your buttocks, i'm going to pat your groin. i thought, really, that's a bit much. but when he did i thought, that's not bad, actually. [ laughter ] every bit of attention. >> jimmy: your costar in this movie is meryl streep. over in england do they consider meryl streep to be the greatest actress all-time? >> yes, of course, yes, yes. >> jimmy: it's not some snooty thin where americans don't count? >> au contraire. well, on the whole that's true. no, no, she's revered. this was a terrifying experience for me? was it really, for you? >> i'd put show business behind me, i was off doing other things, having a new child every
week, doing politics. >> jimmy: yeah. >> then rather a distinguished director, steven freers, comes along and says, i think we should do this film with meryl streep. such a good script. i can't turn it down. but then, you know. waiting a year. it was a year from signing up to doing it. dreading having to perform with the woman who's got 19 oscar nominations, that is scary. >> jimmy: that amazes me. all the things you've done that you would be intimidating acting with meryl. when you meet her she makes you feel at ease, i would imagine. she certainly did with me. or maybe not? i don't know. >> nothing can make me feel at ease. >> jimmy: nothing? >> except pills. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: meryl didn't provide those? >> no, no. >> jimmy: wow. very inconsiderate. >> i did the whole film on rescue remedy. tastes like kimmel. >> jimmy: it does. that could be my new slogan, "tastes a bit like kimmel." it's very good to see you, congratulation on this "florence foster jenkins."
hugh grant, everybody. be right back with nikki glaser! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you see a keyboard that can just, get out of the way. and a screen you can touch. and even write on. when you see a computer that can do all that, it might just make you wonder... hey, what else can it do? ♪ ♪ ♪ starbucks® cold brew coffee. available in original black. and now with house-made vanilla sweet cream.
smooth meets sweet. in stores now. only at starbucks. stget great savings on the.. sneakers they need for back-to-school... and kohl's cash for you! the more you buy, the more kohl's cash you'll earn. no limit! use your kohl's cash later on just about anything online and in store! now that's the good stuff. kohl's. and there'any day now!iful baby. [crunch] really? you're eating doritos?
man, i'm glaaflac!c pays cash. isn't major medical enough? no! who's gonna' help cover the holes in their plans? aflac! like rising co-pays and deductibles... aflac! or help pay the mortgage? or child care? aflaaac! and everyday expenses? aflac! learn about one day pay at aflac.com/boat blurlbrlblrlbr!!!
>> jimmy: welcome back. miranda lambert is still to come. our next guest is a very funny comedian who has had sex and hosts a show about it. "not safe with nikki glaser" airs tuesday nights at 10:30 on comedy central. please say hello to nikki glaser. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm so good. >> jimmy: i really like your dress, i would wear something like that if i was a woman. >> that's always a good compliment from a man. >> jimmy: have people said that before? >> i don't know. i feel like they, do like guys -- if you have guys pick out your outfit it's something with holes in it. where they can see parts of you. >> jimmy: yeah, we like to see parts, yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's human nature. >> it is. >> jimmy: there's nothing wrong
with it. you know, you're doing this. >> the last time i saw you, you made an omelette for me once. >> jimmy: oh. >> you won't remember this. but it's been the highlight of my life. >> jimmy: i remember meeting you. when did i make an omelette? >> i was driving with doug benson to a gig. we picked up some comedian at your place. and you made me -- you were like, do you want anything to eat? you were in a robe. you probably weren't but i picture you in a robe. you made me an omelette, a white omelette, and there was no yellow. it was so good. >> jimmy: see that? >> i was like, that was my credit for a while. jimmy kimmel made me -- they'd be like, nikki glaser coming to the stage, jimmy kimmel once made her an omelette. >> jimmy: really, wow, part of your introduction. >> people would lose their minds. >> jimmy: they would. >> i'd have to sign stuff after the show. >> jimmy: was it a good omele e omelette? >> it was so good. i remember being like, i'm going to pretend it's good no matter what. but i didn't have to. it was great. >> jimmy: it's a nice surprise. yeah people assume that whatever i make will be terrible.
>> yes. >> jimmy: based on -- i don't know, my performing career? >> no. >> jimmy: indeed, i do make a very good omelette. >> you're great. >> jimmy: thank you for finally acknowledging that on television. [ cheers and applause ] >> it's not easy to do. >> jimmy: see, guillermo? >> guillermo: i see that, yes. >> jimmy: tell us about the show. your show, the subject matter is sex. >> yes. >> jimmy: that's the umbrella under which you operate. >> yes. yeah, i just have a show where i talk frankly about sex, because we're all doing it. and i like it. and -- do you? [ cheers and applause ] >> they love sex. i put myself in situations that, you know. >> jimmy: what types of situations? >> well, coming up on the show i spent 24 hours at a strip club, which i know is three hours shy of your record. [ laughter ] >> no, do you go -- have you been? i went to las vegas, sapphire. >> jimmy: i grew up in las vegas. >> yes. >> jimmy: when i was in las vegas, i was young. so i wasn't really old enough to
get into the strip club. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: once cleto, our band leader, and i went. we stood in the front lobby trying to look in. then they threw us out. that was about as close as we got. 24 hours, no, we did not spend -- can you even? they're open? >> they're open 24 hours. >> jimmy: what's it like at 7:30 in the morning in a strip club? >> dead. there's like one sad man. getting a lap dance. with ten strippers around him. but it was really sad. it was weird because -- like hour 23 i was like -- last day on "naked and afraid." i was dehydrated, i just wanted to leave. then i finally was done and my whole -- all my male writers and a couple of lesbian writers were like, we're going to stick around a couple more hours. i think we need to get 27 under our belt. >> jimmy: really. >> they stayed there. and they knew all the tricks -- we talked to strippers and learned all their tricks about how to trick guys into thinking they like you. >> jimmy: what are the tricks? >> eye contact.
telling them you're real name, but it's like your fake real name. they have three names each. they're like puff daddy. they do that. we saw all of this. then the next day, so many of my writers were like, i don't know, i just really feel like i had a connection with cupcake last night. [ laughter ] i feel like she's going to stay in touch. >> jimmy: cupcake. >> a real person i met. >> jimmy: what are some of the other subjects you have on the show? >> oh my gosh. i have been to a foot fetish party. >> jimmy: really? >> which was -- i was the belle of the ball. i have -- i have pretty jacked-up feet. but they're like into that there. >> jimmy: they are? >> like bunions for days and they're like -- they loved it. i felt like a supermodel. i felt like my foot was gisele, to them. they were stammering and couldn't look at it, they were nervous. >> jimmy: you're telling me -- i assumed that foot fetishists would like perfect feet. >> no. >> jimmy: their ideal foot would be a foot model. no? >> some of them like to just
suck on bunions. they really do. there's wikifeet, a website where they rate celebrities' feet. i have a pretty high rating. i covered up my toes -- >> jimmy: there is? >> out of respect for you. but i've got -- yeah. hey, this guy gave me a foot rub and he was like sweating. nervous. >> jimmy: really? >> then he goes, i'm sorry, i'm getting too excited. and he got a boner. >> jimmy: whoa. >> yeah, it was crazy. >> jimmy: so he decided that he needed to stop? >> yeah, he was like, this is not professional. >> jimmy: oh, boy. yeah, professional. >> i was like, use your boner, that could be a good massage tool. >> jimmy: why would you need to have a foot fetish party? couldn't you just go to the beach or something? it seems like there are bare feet everywhere you. >> it's true. it must be a paradox. they can't touch them. at this party girls just will walk on their faces. >> jimmy: girls will walk on their faces? wow. why would the girls want this? >> because they're paid.
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, they're paid. >> yeah. cupcake was there. >> jimmy: are there any female foot fetishists? >> no. >> jimmy: isn't that something, it's always guys. >> yes. >> jimmy: it doesn't matter what it is, it's always guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> yep. >> jimmy: well, i don't know if that's good or bad. the show, the finale in which you go to your -- the strip club, is coming up this week. >> yes. >> jimmy: well, that's got to be interesting. >> i also did a virtual reality porn. i had my first lesbian experience on virtual reality porn. >> jimmy: congratulations. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: nikki glaser, "not safe with nikki glaser," tuesday night, comedy central. be right back with miranda lambert! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung.
thanks to britney spears. apologies to matt damon, we did run out of time for him. "nightline" is next but first, here with the song "vice" by miranda lambert! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ sting of the needle dropping on a vinyl neon singer with a jukebox title full of heartbreak ♪ ♪ thirty-three forty-five seventy-eight when it hurts this good you gotta play it twice ♪ ♪ another vice all dressed up in a pretty black label sweet salvation on a ♪ ♪ dining room table waiting on me where the numb meets the lonely ♪ ♪ it's gone before it
ever melts the ice another vice another call ♪ ♪ another bed i shouldn't crawl out of at 7 am with shoes in my hand said i wouldn't do it ♪ ♪ but i did it again and i know i'll be back tomorrow night oh ♪ ♪ i'll wear a town like a leather jacket when the new wears off i don't even pack it ♪ ♪ if you need me i'll be where my reputation don't precede me ♪ maybe i'm addicted to ♪ ♪ goodbyes ♪ another vice another town where my past can't
run me down another life ♪ another call another bed i shouldn't crawl out of at 7 a-m with shoes ♪ ♪ in my hand said i wouldn't do it but i did it again and i know i'll be gone ♪ ♪ tomorrow night mmm another vice ♪ ♪ standing at the sink now looking at the mirror ♪ ♪ don't know where i am or how i got here well the only thing that i know how to find ♪ ♪ is another vice
>> jimmy: this is "nightline." >> tonight, trump in turmoil. >> the campaign is doing really well. >> a series of missteps embroiling the presidential nominee this week, fracturing the already splintered gop even further. >> i'm an american before i'm a republican. >> after remarks that have angered women, veterans and american muslims, is the party preparing for an intervention? plus, we take you deep into the lush forests of new zealand to give you a sneak peek at the movie-making magic of "pete's dragon." combining star power, high-tech visuals -- >> it's beyond our wildest dreams. and more glory for britney spears. the singer getting into bed with jimmy kimmel. ♪