tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 21, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PST
>> have a good night, see you tomorrow. ♪ ♪ >> dicky: from hollywood, it's the sixth annual "jimmy kimmel live after the academy awards." tonight, academy award winner tom hanks. scarlett johansson. emily blunt. jessica alba. sofia vergara, jessica biel. [ music slowing ] eva longoria and many, many more in the hotty body hump club with
music of cee lo green. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live >> dicky: and now, lights, camera, action. here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? thank you very much. welcome to the -- our sixth annual after the academy awards special coming to you from hollywood just across the street from the oscars on one side and a burned-down kenny rogers chicken restaurant on the other site. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. what a night it has already been. can you say glamor, can you say glitz? colin firth couldn't and he got an oscar for it.
[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it wasn't a particularly suspenseful oscars this year. except for kirk douglas. [ laughter ] is he behind me? [ laughter ] kirk dug lats was very funny, tormenting the nominees. he waited and waited and waited, intentionally, to name the winner. it combined the suspense of ryan seacrest with the delivery of dick clark, like new year's eve all over again. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it may have been the highlight of the show. as expected, colin firth won best actor, natalie portman won best actress. and nicole kidman was upset. seemed hard to up -- upset she lost. hard to tell through the botox. and christian bale in the speech forgot his wife's name. i happen to know it isn't true, he got a little choked up and
emotional because somebody moved a light. [ laughter ] this is the 83rd oscars. these are my favorite oscars, right after the mayer weiners, they really are. it's the night hollywood takes the time to honor the finest in cine cinema. then it's back to green lighting big mama's house for mama in space. we enjoy it while it louisianas. lasts. james franco and anne hathaway did a nice job hosting the show. [ cheers and applause ] i guess it's historic. this is the first time a man and a woman have hosted the oscars together on stage. once again, the hollywood liberals trying to force their heterosexual agenda down our throats. [ laughter ] james franco, hosted and nominated for "127 hours," a true story of when charlie sheen got stuck under a huge rock of cocaine. [ laughter ] and had to cut a hooker's arm off. now the big winner, "the king's speech." it was a low-budget british
film, i think it cost $10 million, wound up making $250 million. most of that around the world, not here. because it was such a huge success, they're already working on adapting it specifically to appeal to an american audience. the trailer was released today for the oscars. really, i think we've already found our front-runner for next year's oscars. ♪ >> he was the most powerful man in the world. but he had one weakness. >> mr. cara -- karen -- tandy -- >> if you sent -- send -- sent mixed -- fixed -- mixed messages. >> inability to speak. based on a true story. >> they said you're the best. >> i don't do that anymore. >> mr. tyson, the country needs you. >> when the people needed a leader, one stupendously loquacious man -- >> eloquence! >> helped him find his voice. >> to be or not to be.
>> now repeat after me. we're working hard to put food on our table. >> you are working hard to put food on your family. >> no! >> nuclear power plant. >> nuke-lar power plant. >> oh! you got me on the hook. abu ghraib. >> abu ga-ghraib-ab. >> totalitarian. >> to -- to -- talli tarrians -- >> worst in the history of speaking. >> together, they found the strength when it mattered the most. >> this is the state of the union and people will be watching it across the world. let's do it. >> members of congress, distinguished guests. i know that human beings and fish can co-exist peacefully. >> george w. bush.
sir michael tyson. tyler perry's "the president's speech." >> mission accomplished! >> this film is not yet rated. >> jimmy: definitely see that. [ cheers and applause ] so i had no idea he had been knighted. [ laughter ] right now as we speak, the red carpet is rolled up across the street, the lights are taken down, lisa rinna is being froze anyone carbon night. [ laughter ] there's wonderful preshow coverage. camille grammer covered the red carpet for cnn. wolf blitzer is going to spend a week living with the real housewives of beverly hills. e channel aired six hours of programming. and this gem qualifies as the unintentional joke of the day. >> the girls are going to open their vaults and they are going to pull out the harry winston. >> you got get those waxed for a
big awards show. [ applause ] for the first time in ten years there were no african-american actors nominated. "black swan" turned out to be the only nominee of color this year. happy black history month, i guess. and speaking of "black swan" this is kind of funny. i learned this from red carpet coverage. apparently there are a number of women on the black swan diet, a diet imspired by the way natalie portman lost weight to star as a ballet dancer. and i'm sticking with the "precious" diet from last year. [ laughter ] it's working. this is something we do on our show. this is a regular special show for us tonight. but usually at the end of the week as it comes to a close, the tradition is we have a weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. tonight is no exception. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> from "the king's speech," geoffrey rush and colin firth. when i just saw you [ bleep ]ing
colin, it only confirmed the bromance rumors. >> ann has promised a [ bleep ] massage. >> yes, i will be off camera giving hip a hand [ bleep ]. >> so seven relieved hopefuls move one step closer to their idol dreams. >> i want to [ bleep ] my mom. >> corey has restepped in a fresh pile of [ bleep ]. >> i have spent the last few months saying [ bleep ]ing you is like [ bleep ]ing frank sinatra. >> i have to say this would not work on the red carpet. >> you know that donald trump does enjoy black girls [ bleep ]ing. >> [ bleep ]ing balls. >> my grandma's here too. >> i just [ bleep ] marky mark. >> when i saw your [ bleep ], oh my goodness i got so excited. because i know i'm going to be sucking that head. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we've got a big show for you tonight. tom hanks is here, we have music
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tom hanks is here. very excited. [ cheers and applause ] i'm going to need a little cooperation from the audience. we told him this is where the "vanity fair" party was being held. then post-hanks, the newly crowned grammy winner with music from "the lady killer," cee lo green from the bud light stage. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be back to work tomorrow night with new shows, including bill maher, emily blunt, music from aaron lewis. and thursday night the great and powerful howard stern will join us. [ cheers and applause ] i want to show you something. this is my body. do you like it? [ cheers and applause ] take it in for a moment. all angles. you together a body like this from sitting behind a desk with your pants undone. in hollywood being in shape is more important than being alive and this is how we do it. >> who trains the most beautiful actresses in the world? who shapes the bodies of
hollywood's elite through his patented and proven entertainment system? >> i do. i'm jimmy k. let's get to work. ♪ >> you are the father! >> hi. i'm scarlett johansson. you know, people always ask me, how do you stay in such great shape? >> i never ask. i know. >> he's my fitness guru. jimmy k. >> thanks, scarlett. there are so many workout programs out there. ab lighting, pole dancing, weight shaking, tank topping, banging rubber against your head. you know what all these so-called workout programs have in common? >> no. >> i'll tell you. none of them wok out. >> fad diets and workout plans
lead to disappointment and frustration. >> thanks, scarlett. not anymore. now you can be come a member of the extra-exclusive hotdy body hump club. >> hobo. >> top hollywood scars know who thety body combines the section section-ability of pilates with lumping. to make your card vascular system a hardy-o vascular system. >> before i started with jimmy k. -- >> she was so fat she could barely walk. >> and now i feel great and now i weigh less than the average 9-year-old girl. >> thanks. >> you're welcome. >> hi, i'm jessica we'll. and when i started training with jimmy k., i had a mission to get in shape, be bikini ready, and
hopefully be the kind of woman jimmy wants for a lovemaking session. >> thanks, jessica. you are on the way. >> i called you twice and i sent a text message. >> jimmy k.! >> hi, i'm jessica alba. before i started working out with jimmy k. i was slug and ish out of shape and i cried a lot. >> i cried a lot too. and what did we do? we turned tears into gears. together, we exer-cried. >> i train the ladies who fill the big screens in skinny jeans. let my hottie bodies hump a lotties dvd transform your body from flabby abby to ripa kelly. >> yeah! oh, yeah. are you ready to do this? let's get hottie body.
>> enough with the bake, it's time to shake. ready? lunge to the left. lunge to the right. lunge it. plunge it. keep it going, tight. now hump. hump. hump. that's good humping, girls. >> let's get hobo-fied. >> hump it up, pump it down. take a train to humping town. that's good. >> hump! >> i couldn't stop humping. i hump everywhere. at work. in the car. even when i'm humping, i'm humping. >> i'm humping too. thanks, eva. >> are you ready? come on now, get that return in the hump. ♪ dig in there now, come on!
make it pregnant! ♪ >> hi, i'm emily. blunt. when jimmy k. first approached me, made me unconscious and locked me in the trunk of his car, drove me to his private workout dungeon, i admit i was skeptical. but the results speak for themselves. is he behind me? is he wearing what i'm wearing? [ laughter ] >> let's get ridicul-awesome. >> hump the ball. hump the ball. hump the wall. hump it! [ speaking foreign language ]
>> gracias muchias, sofia. before jimmy showed you the way, how would you describe your body? >> a little doughy. >> she was a disgusting hippopotamus. now she's as hot as the devil's armpit on this the fourth of july. thanks to a workout regimen that's so simple it's almost impossible to understand. no pills, no bands, no gloves, belts, balls, weights, benches, or stationary bikes. i will help you harness your body's natural energy. is zion a rare lion. zion could jump 20 feet in the air and take down an animal ten times his size. how does he find time to stay in such great shape? >> not with weights or diet dwreengs, i'll tell you that. i'm lindsay lohan. >> tell us more about lions, lindsay. >> well, lions spend their days hurting and their nights humping. >> no true. >> lions hump upwards of 40 times a night. i've spent thousands of hours
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his next movie is "larry crowne." it opens next summer. please say hello to tom hanks. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'm already disappointed. >> thank you. my wife rita, and her sister lily. very nice of you to walk me out. >> jimmy: i thought they were here exclusively for me. then i felt so cheap. how are you? thank you for being here. >> i'm great. i was across the street. thank you for blocking off hollywood boulevard to get me from there to here, that's nice. >> jimmy: it was our pleasure, anything for you, we're happy to do it. >> more cops and the guys with machine guns out there. >> jimmy: yeah, they take it very seriously. way too seriously. >> i'm not so sure.
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: you'd think michelle obama was giving birth to a child in the middle of the street out there. >> i realize it's like the super bowl meets the nobel peace prize ceremony, but i don't think we need cops with machine guns. >> jimmy: it's amazing. you can -- for us it's annoying, we come to work, suddenly strangers tell us we're not allowed to come into our own building. >> they make you roll the windows down in your car. do you want to roll the windows down? they lean in. hi, mr. hanks. and let me go on through. like, who is going to be here in here with me. i'm by myself as it is. >> jimmy: i want you to know, i think "toy story 3" was the best movie of the year. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you very much. there's a guy. you don't have an applause sign. you have a bald headed guy going like that. [ cheers and applause ] ? he's the oscar. he's the oscar statuette. >> there you go. that's very good.
>> jimmy: it's true. and i look at the "king's speech," yeah, that's a great movie, but somebody could do that with their video camera. "toy story 3," no one could do that. >> i'm not the person to talk to. number one, i'm on the board of governors for the academy awards. >> jimmy: did you vote for "toy story 3"? >> yeah, it is the best movie of the year. [ cheers and applause ] i don't know what happened. i don't know what happened. >> jimmy: i don't know what happened either. >> what's the point of being on the board of governors, if you don't make money, and i don't, and number two, you can't get your movie a trophy. >> jimmy: you'd think you'd be able to govern on the board of governors, but no. >> somebody there has sway and it ain't me. >> jimmy: if "toy story" had won, you would not have been there when the award was presented. >> i would have been walking over here. downstairs eating cheese and bologna. lonely sight. i used to have to stay over there to the end of the show. now i can come eat cheese and
bologna. >> jimmy: you can do what you want. as i mentioned you are a two-time academy award winner. [ cheers and applause ] there's pictures. >> there. awhile back. that was the first year. and that was the second year. >> jimmy: without the tie. >> i was told in the future, you could wear a banded collar. and it looks like i transported to 2563 where ties are outlawed by the federal galaxy or something like that. >> jimmy: who convinced you not to wear the tie? >> actually, i was on the celebrity meal train, you have to go to a lot of things. you go to all the -- you have to go to england, stuff like that. i actually just wanted the simplicity of not wanting to put on a tie. i went with a banded collar. and as you know there are no banded collars left in existence. >> jimmy: no, they'll come back. >> you know, james bond is not going to wear a banded collar.
>> jimmy: but on star trek. >> look at your band. i meant to stay snappy. >> jimmy: where are your oscars? >> my oscars ar little old. this is a true story. when you get one, the sweat in your hands have a certain degree of acidity, alkaline, whatever it is. when you grab them right around the loins, the thigh and midsection, that's how you carry it around. you don't grab it by the head and carry it like that. you don't do a balancing thing. you grab it right around -- and that sweat and the chemicals in your body begin to immediately corrode the gold that's on it. >> jimmy: immediately? >> well, maybe it's just me. i have some juju inside me that makes this the happen. like the very next day, both years, i've come down and automatically the gold flake was beginning to rust and corrode and crack. >> jimmy: really? >> i was happy to leave it like that for the longest time.
but i saw them a few weeks ago, hey, i'm kind of proud of these things. and i understood you could send them off to get them refurbished. so i did. the academy offers that service. i sent it off to whoever does it. someplace out in, i don't know, west covina or something like that. [ laughter ] literally, i think it is. al's trophy's restoration. west covina, california. >> jimmy: al is the best. >> and i got the world back -- i tell you, mr. hanks, the best thing to do is replace these things, because they're shot. i was like, no! they're shot? they said they were in such bad shape they would be happy to just give me replacements. >> jimmy: what kind of poison is coming out of your pores? [ laughter ] >> everybody's got it. but you know, i didn't want to -- because they have like -- those are the ones. >> yeah, those are the ones. >> they've got serial numbers on them and stuff like that. so they said, the next best thing we could do, probably just
redip them. they are going to try to replate them and i will never touch them again. >> jimmy: i don't blame you. >> i won't put my hands own them and i won't let anybody else. people come to the house, can i hold your is on cars? i'm like, no. >> jimmy: you're going to look like a real jerk. >> no one is touching those freaking things. they are going into the freezer with the vodka we have been saving. no one's touching. >> jimmy: march 26th international tom hanks day. >> yes, yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i know it is. >> a guy in chicago started it up a few years ago and now we help raise money for some stuff. he essentially -- they show movies at a bar and people drink. >> jimmy: is it a bar? >> i don't know. maybe it started in his backyard. i always send him some stuff. >> jimmy: have you attended international tom hanks day? >> no, i don't need to do that. for a while it was national tom
hanks day. now it's branched out. >> jimmy: how is it international? >> i think there's satellite divisions. >> jimmy: they have tacos at the meal? >> well, in burundi there's a big thing. some of the islands in indonesia. but in all those other places -- internationally the movies travel differently. some movies that are hits here are not hits overseas and vice versa. and helsinki, they are going to watch the "bonfire of the vanities." in tasmania, "the man with one red shoe." the only universal hit is "turner and hoop." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: everyone loves dogs. we've got some exciting stuff to go over. including your children. and some things in your life. and "larry crowne". your movie which is coming out on july 1st. >> this begins the official celebrity meal train. >> jimmy: more with tom hanks when we come back. [ cheers and applause ]
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and normally, they look they are selling ed hardy shirts. out of a back of a van. congratulations, you are a grandfather now. >> i am indeed. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you've been tweeting a lot. i follow you on twitter. >> really? >> jimmy: i like to see what's going on with you. >> they are my tweets. i do it for money. >> jimmy: you get paid? if i happen to mention pepsi cola. >> jimmy: you get paid? >> no, i don't. >> jimmy: what if i mentioned coca-cola, what i would get? >> a delicious snack food is kellogg's sugar snacks. i tweeted this. >> jimmy: these are your feet? >> those are my granddaughter's feet. we do resemble each other. >> jimmy: she's a dead ringer for you. >> i asked my son colin would it be okay if i tweeted a picture of my granddaughter's feet? and he said, well, yeah. [ laughter ] he actually took that. look at that spread. >> jimmy: they are cute. >> look at this spread. you know who had toes spread
like that? >> jimmy: jesus? >> how about albert 18 tine? had that same kind of toe, how about that. [ applause ] you know who has toes like that? jessica biel i think had the exact same toes over there. so she's a combination of jessica biel and albert einstein. >> jimmy: albert biel. >> that chick is going places. >> you have a young daughter as well who is getting involved in showbiz? >> she's got chops. our daughter sophie is delightful, always been loaded with personality. if she wants to go into business she can. >> jimmy: i wouldn't push it but seems like you're very supportive of this. >> when your kids have dreams, i back them up. >> jimmy: boy do you. you brought us some videotape. this is from a program that you allowed yourselves to be -- >> i am in the business, i had some contacts. there was a possibility to do something for one of those cable channels, 300, 320. so we went out, put together a
little possibility for me and my -- me and sophie hanks. >> jimmy: we have it right here. ♪ >> my name is tom hanks and i am super excited because my daughter sophie and i are competing in the miss ultimate sexy baby nevada pageant. and when it comes to awards, this is as big as it gets. ♪ >> i'm sophie hanks and i want to be the ultimate miss sexy baby. i like pageants because i like winning money and i get to buy anything i want. >> sophie and i did her first pageant when she was only 3 months old. here she is, she got queen. remember that, honey? >> not really. >> it was a beautiful day. ♪
well, as you can see, we got over 40 of these bad boys. in fact, we named her sophie because it rhymes with? >> trophy. >> rips with trophy. say it, i love trophies! >> no. >> say it, i love trophies! >> no. >> come on, give me a smile -- >> no! i hate smiles! i hate pageants! >> oh, don't be a hooch. don't have a hooch moment. hooch is a bad dog. well, you know, she has to take a break. sophie can get emotional. i know what it's like to be a kid. i played one in "big." all this is for sophie. it's for sophie. this is about her. >> i think my dad wants to be a pageant queen, but he can't. >> and shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder. >> she did these routines backwards and the forwards.
when she gets up there, it has to be automatic. >> sexy hands. sexy feet, sexy feet! right now sophie lacks discipline. focus. she's got to keep that eye on the prize. >> daddy! >> sorry, swim suit competition. swim suit competition. oh, sparkle time! when it comes to makeup, some people say less is more. but i say more is more. yes! yes! it's here. it's here. here it is! >> my wig! >> there you are. you look just like a bratz doll. oh! you look just like a bratz doll. we are so excited. this is a glitz pageant. everything has to be princess
perfect. wake up, sweetie. sweetie, sweetie, come on. >> i'm so excited. >> hi, sophie hanks. here they are. look at them. sweet pretty losers, every one of them. don't wrinkle, don't wrinkle. sit, sit up. i think the only person who can beat sophie is sophie. is that right? right? >> yes. >> that's right. it's hers to lose. >> next up in the little miss category is sophie hanks. >> we talked about focus. make daddy love you. sexy baby? >> sexy baby. >> get up there. there you go. earn it!
♪ ♪ you know i never i never seen you look so good ♪ ♪ you never act the way you should ♪ ♪ but i like it ♪ and i know you like it too ♪ the way that i want you >> poison? poison is sophie's favorite 1980s hair band. ♪ and baby talk dirty to me >> talk dirty to me! sexy baby! sexy baby! you were such a sexy baby. i'm proud of you. proud of you. yes, yeah, i'm proud of her, yeah. i'm proud of her. did she make some mistakes? yes, yes. mistakes are okay. provided you work on them and don't make them again. >> i will try not to.
>> we won't, we'll work on those really hard. >> miss ultimate sexy baby 2011 queen is -- [ laughter ] rhonda howard! >> yes! [ laughter ] >> look, there is a lot of politics involved. it's all in who you know. >> this is my first sexy baby win and i am over the moon. >> seriously? with a tooth like that? sticking out like it does? i'm a sexy baby! i'm sexy! i don't care, i don't care. not with teeth like that. >> houston, tom has a problem. eat my dust, hanks! >> eat my dust. >> thanks, ronda. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. we'll be right back with tom hanks!
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have your own movie called "thomas crown". >> "larry crowne." >> jimmy: close enough. >> "larry crowne." although that could have been a name. it's got a great cast. i play a guy that goes back to college. he loses his job. and my teacher is julia roberts. and guess what happens, america. we had a great time. we have a fabulous cast. i know, couldn't that just be poster? guess what happens? we make out a little. >> jimmy: we have a clip from the film. >> usually it's tough because here i am, hawking my wares, which is embarrassing. [ laughter ] we don't want to show a trailer. so we showed a scene. i picked the scene out, julia and me, picked it out solely because she plays my teacher, i play her student. and i have never looked cooler in a motion picture before. than this scene. >> jimmy: take a look. ♪
♪ >> it's larry crowne! >> right, hi. >> i have you in a couple minutes. >> yes, you do. >> i'm just drowning out the gps. it never stops. >> the map genie. back when i sold those things it would have steered you toward a vortex -- it's very complicated. no wonder, the auto on feature is engaged. menu, select, features, auto, voice, select, change, yes. on, off. off, change, yes. save and back, back, back, back, and exit. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: larry crowne." it comes out july 1st. tom hanks, everybody. thanks so much. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
academy, i'd like to thank tom hanks, sir michael tyson, ron howard, every member of the hottie body hump club. i want to apologize to matt damon, we've run out of time. tomorrow night, bill maher and music from esperanza spalding. from this album called "the lady killer," the album is "bright lights, bigger city," here is cee lo green, good night! ♪ >> california love, y'all. ♪ let's get it on. come on. ♪ ♪
♪ going for the weekend not anymore ♪ ♪ and i get the feeling that friday is coming fast ♪ ♪ i'm looking for action and it's out there some where ♪ ♪ i can feel the electricity in the evening air ♪ ♪ and sometimes i want to go where everyone knows your name ♪ ♪ i guess i have to wait and see and when something brand new happens to me ♪ ♪ it's all right it's all right it's all right ♪ ♪ bright lights in the big city and tonight ♪ ♪ body's cold but there is something about saturday night ♪
♪ you can't say what you want to do ♪ ♪ you snow that you just might ♪ it's love at first sight this saturday and every saturday for the rest of my life ♪ ♪ yeah looking for a real good time ♪ ♪ and i wonder here ♪ and i have to share it with ♪ it's all right it's all right it's all right ♪ ♪ bright lights in the big city ♪ ♪ if you want to go tonight ♪ throw your hands in the air ♪ wave them like you don't care and if you're a fan of cee lo green say oh yeah ♪
this is "nightline." >> tonight, revealing their pain. >> no justice, no peace! >> trayvon martin's parents. their mission five years after their unarmed teenage son was gunned down in a case that put racial profiling, self-defense ask, state gun laws in the headlines. sparking a movement. >> i think that trayvon certainly ref-energized the civl rights movement in this country. >> has anything changed? >> it's very important that we continue this fight. >> plus where the buffalo roam. in the living room, of course. the family who has no problem letting their house-broken behemoth throw his weight around. >> he is my best friend. >> even stepping in as best man. how this