tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC June 1, 2017 10:00pm-10:31pm PDT
dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live -- game night"! tonight -- kevin hart, nba hall of famer karl malone, and "mean tweets" nba edition, presented by flonase sensimist allergy relief. and now, at the buzzer, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thanks for joining us in primetime for our tenth annual nba finals game night special. thank you very much. once again, it comes down to the golden state warriors and cleveland cavaliers. this is the third straight season the warriors and cavaliers have played in the finals. the most successful series we have here at abc at this point. billing it the first-ever
three-match. something has happened too much. three match is one of them. this final series could not have come at a better time whether you're from cleveland or the bay area, or any place, this is a chance for all of us to take a break from watching our president grab ass with russia and have some fun for a change. not only is it cleveland's third appearance, for lebron james, this is his seventh year in a row at the finals and his eighth appearance overall. lebron has been in as many finals as vin diesel has been in fast and furious movies. it's a lot. [ cheers and applause ] kind of makes you wonder if he's there for the right reasons or maybe i have been watching too much bachelorette. last year the warriors blew a 3-1 series lead. the warriors, you know, had the best record in the nba last year and then they added kevin durant. it's like the beatles adding mick jagger to the band, it's
overkill. but they're fired up. draymond green said the mindset in this organization is to go back take back what they took from us. it's like the warriors are liam nieson that was lost. avenging their loss to the cavaliers has been on the warriors' mind for a long time. here's draymond green. >> if cleveland comes out of the east i want to destroy cleveland. no ifs, ands or butts about it. >> jimmy: dry cleveland, i assume he's meaning the cavaliers. if he is planning to destroy the city -- according to vegas, the warriors are heavily favored to watch it. golden state has won every playoff game so far, they swept the trail blazers, the jazz, the spurs. they even swept the parking lot, the loerk rooms. these guys are ocd. i'll tell you.
kevin durant, second trip to the finals. he's milking this, his new shoe which he's wearing game one will be sold during the game only when he's playing. the shoe will be on sale when kevin durant is on the court and then he comes out of the game, when he sits down, it will be unavailable. when he's in the game it's available. like nike is playing an expensive game of musical chairs with us. i don't know why. speaking of wealthy and talented kevin, the very funny kevin hart is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] new movie called captain underpants and later, kevin is going to take a three-point shot. if he makes it, everybody in the studio audience will get a prize. a good one. kevin hart -- i know it's like being on "ellen." right? [ laughter ] kevin will go home as your favorite or least favorite comedian.
we will we find out which. now it's time for a special part of the game night special. one athlete that fascinates me most it's nba hall of famer karl malone. now, karl malone's one of the great forward thinkers and he has many interesting takes on life. i decided to give him an opportunity to share some of those. with that said, this is all alone with karl malone. ♪ >> jimmy: i'm here with karl malone, karl malone, want to ask you a question about god. do you think god could create a basketball so big that even he or she couldn't dunk it. >> nope. god d the creator can do all things. >> jimmy: you're saying god can't do that. >> i didn't say thatat. >> jimmy: you said no. >> i'm saying no.
>> jimmy: yeah, you said no. do you think god -- >> god can do whatever. all things is possible with god. >> jimmy: right. is god so powerful that god create something that even god couldn't do? >> no. he could do whatever. >> jimmy: you answered the question three different ways. [ laughter ] >> where is this going? someone is about to get their ass kicked. where is this going? >> jimmy: well, then, we probably should end this. there he is, karl malone. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, karl malone. we're taking a break. we have much more on the way. kevin hart is here. and we'll be back with an all-nba edition of "mean tweets." so, stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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jimmy: welcome back to our game one "game night" special, in primetime. kevin harts backstage going crazy. later on, kevin ll attempt to make a threeoint shot on hollywood boulevard. and if he makes it, everyone in this audience goes hwith a valuable prize. if he misses, you get a crappy prize. but it's the thought that counts. [ cheers and applause ] remember that.
sports fans, as you know, are among the most passionate fans of all. theyey're not shy about expressi their love -- or the opposite of love from time-to-time. we shine a light on these trash-talking trolls. and tonight, we did it again. it's time now for a special all-nba edition of "mean tweets." [ cheers and applause ] >> zach lavine looks like the type guy that tried his girlfriend's bra on in college as a joke but then kind of liked it. >> i bet deandre j jdan is so bad at free throws because his eyes are so closose together. these people are mean. >> you and your pineapple head mikeke conley. that's the look i was going for. >> personally, i think paul george could be traded for, like, a half a bag of saltine crackers. >> the dononest thing about kar anthony-towns is that he looks like a gigantic and athletic babyby. >> devin booker likes lilike a fancy lesbian.
>> jay williams is a perfect studio analyst. his left eye is looking at his co-host while his right eye is looking at the camera. fncht you look up the word douche in the dictionary, you will she a picture of hoyter will hitler, but he is holding up a picture of butler. >> doc rivers hairline fufu as hello, that's just his forehead wrinkled up. >> tell walt frazizierer to sit old porkchop sideburns ass down. >> michelle beadle's hair looks like it hasn't been washed since the late '90s. >> pretty sure joel embiid has the iq of a squirrel. hmm, okay. >> james harden always looks like he's just about to lead the israeles through the red sea. >> magic johnson becoming gm is just another reminder that any
stuperson can do anything they set their mind to. >> i don't think shaq is dumb, but he sure sounds like it. >> no. karl malone ain't doing this. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we'll be right back with kevin hart. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live -- game night" are brought to you by flonase sensimist allergy relief. powerful relief in a gentle mist. ♪ uh-uh, you're not going anywhere in those rags. ♪ cindy? ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: hello, again, and thank you for joinining us our special "game night" special, , primetime. this is part one of a double-header tonight. we have a new show later with jimmy butler of the chicago bulls, sarah silverman will be here and music from post malone. not to be confused with karl malone, they're different. okay? our guest tonight is not a professional basketball player, but he looks great in a tank top. he's the world's highest-paid comedian with a new book called "i can't make this up: life lessons" and a new film called "captain underpants: the first epic movie." >> can we take a moment to acknowledge what's happening here? captain underpants is hanging out that tree house. >> a hero's work is never done. time to fly again. >> no!
>> where am i? where are my pants? >> jimmy: "captain underpants" opens tomorrow. please welcome kevin hart. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]] >> jimmy: they know, kevin, they're relying on you to make a shot. they don't want to do anything to screw it up. >> what do they get. >> jimmy: we're going to reveal the prize. but it's a a a a gd prize. the reason i'm'meing cagey is i don't remembmb. [ laughter ] >> how are y doing? >> jimmy: m doing well. boy, you're so busy. you look great too. you got a new baby coming. >> yeah, i do. [ cheers and applae ] >> got a boy, a boboon the way.
>> jimmy: have you decided a name for the boy. >> definitely going to be a "k" in it. i'm trtrng to make a stand. i really wanted it to be kevin, i doubt thththth's going to be name.. >> jimim: this isn't a decision you can push through? >> i'll be honest with you, jimmy, i don't run nothing in my house. so, you know, you start out tough. i started ououreal tough. honestly it's a boy i need it to be a kevin jr. she's like, it's notoing to happen. and i was like, that's what i'm saying. so let's figure out what is going to be great for th of us. >> jimmy: very reasonable. >> no leverage. >> jimmy: i have a sononamed kevin. yeahyeah, named after you. > don't know you did it. >> jimmy: it's called foresight. i have it. it's something not that many people have.
i was looking through thisook today. not one of those books you had someone come in and write the whole book for you, this is really your r al here. first of all, explain the puppies on the cover. i wondnded what -- >> l l's use the word genius and let me break it down for you. what do people love the most? people love puppy. you see a puppy, you can never not be happy. you go oh, my god, look at those puppies. i want one of those puppies. whenenen you put those puppies to kevin hart, people love kevin hart and people love puppies. so the whole thing, people are going say, i want those puppies and kevev hart, i want to book. [ cheers and a alause ] >> jimmy: araryou like a dog owner, did you have dogs growing up? >> growing up i had a dog for 15 minutes. i'm not playin', my dad stole a dog g d acted like it was our dog.
it was a grown dog. this is before rescuing dogs was a thing. this is just a grownlike dog. he showed up. he said, you've been asking for i i got you a dog. a dog. we were like, what's his name. he made up a name. fangs. knocked on the door, we're not going to do this. came in our yard and took our dog. my dad was standing there, he was like, i don't know what you're talking abobout. our dog is right there by the leg. they called the dog a a a a dif name like zeus or something. come here, zeus. and i dog left and i was like, that's it? and he is like, we had a dog for a little bit. i guess. >> jimmy: is is a dream fulfillmenenyou got going on here >> yeah, dogs do a lot. >> well, you go to games, i see you sometimes at the games.
you're always in the front row. what are you saying to the players? >> i'm talking [ bleep ] -- i'm sorry. no, man, i talk a lot of trash. i go there t t to sit courtside mess with the players. that's l lerally all i go for. it gets so bad because they know when i have hadoo many drinks. i start slurring. you're not going to make that shot. [ laughter ] a funny story, i pissed james harden off. i'm in philadelphia, we're filming untouchable. i had a day off, went to sixers game. james harden is playing in the game and the whole first quarter, he's off. i said, you know why you're off, you're my city, i think you got -- i think you got -- i i s saying a bunch of stuff to him. i hate the cavs. he got mad. i'm about to cook you. i said, cook me? put me in a pot. i don't know why he's paying me
this much attention. at some point, it's very unprofessional. on your behalf. you're not supposed to be talking to me this much. he went on to score 55 points. and here's the bad part. they beat us by 30 and with a minute left, he is standing at half court and he will is just starring at me and he go, tell your team what you did to them. [ laughter ] i said, you keep your mouth shut. >> jimmy: that's unbelievable. >> i enjoy it. that ice the thing about basketball much get to go to the games, talk to the guys. i mean, it just add fun to the game. >> jimmy: what level did you get to as far as basketball? did you play high school basketball? >> okay, are we being honest? >> jimmy: yeah. >> you can find footage. i don't know how far i can lie. i played high school basketball. four years of varsity.
it wasn't easy. okay, i wanted to play real bad. this is all i wanted to do. my mom didn't want to try out because my school was like two hours from my house. we had to catch public transportation. the tryouts were at 6:00 a.m. my mom said you're not leaving the house at 4:00 a.m. i'm not sending my son on public transportation at that time. i said mom, i want to be on the team. she's like, it's not going to happen. because i was genius, i set the clocks in the house forward. it was really 4:00 a.m., i set the clocks 6:00 a.m. that's the time i was leaving. i woke up my mom and it's time to get up for work. time to go. she's like, it's still dark out. i don't know.
vcrs, clocks, her watches, everything -- i set every clock and i tried out and i was happy. my plan worked. and midway through the day i remember being in class, the classrooms had the skinny window. i remember a head popping in the window and there was my mom. she was like, biting her lip. [ laughter ] and i remember, teacher, mr. hart, your mom wants to see you. i said, don't let me go out there by myself. go ahead, you're excused. and i was like, no, no. i remember walking out in that hall and i all i heard her say, you had me get to work two hours early. wasn't nobody else in the office but me! she beat me all the way home. every bus we got on she hit me, hit me on the bus with nobody else on the bus. the train i think i got whooped for 3 1/2 hours straight. there was nothing to say.
and i was happy because i made the team. >> jimmy: you made the team? >> i made the team. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: one of the lessons learned. >> that's one of my life lesson >> what was the life lesson exactly? . >> i will be honest with you, there is no life lesson. >> jimmy: "captain underpants: the first epic movie" is in theaters tomorrow and "i can't make this up: life lessons" comes out tuesday. when we come back, kevin hart is going to shoot a three when we come back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] zmi this extravagant? or make a backseat...that feels nothing like a backseat. why give it every feature you could want... along with a few you didn't know you needed. it's simple.
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studio audience goes home with a prize. >> dicky: if kevin makes the shot, everyone goes home with the fitbit ulta. the smoothest wristband that lets you meet your health goals in style. >> jimmy: what do they get if kevin misses the shot. >> dicky: if kevin misses, our audience gets a fidget spinner. fidget spins spinners. take home the hottest toy of last month today. >> jimmy: so the stakes are high. i know you can play. i've seen you play. i know you can do this. when was the last time you made a three-point shot? >> it's been a while. i'm retired. i'm a four-time mvp. >> jimmy: do you want to loosen up? >> no. i don't, i don't, jimmy. >> jimmy: all right, let's do it. make this three-pointer. [ cheers and applause ] here we go. this is it. come on. >> here we go, people, here we go. hold my wedding ring.
>> jimmy: okay. here he goes. kevin hart with the shot. unbelievable! unbelievable! let's see that in slow motion. instant replay. look at that, you made it. way to go, you made it. i'd like to thank kevin hart and karl malone. i'm the luckiest gip guy in the world. we ran out of time for matt damon. we have a new show later tonight with jimmy butler, sarah silverman and music from post malone. thanks for watching. good night. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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