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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  October 16, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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schumer. >> see you tomorrow. [ glass breaks ]. >> hey, you damn kids! y'all done broke my window, busted my clock! yeah, boy! >> dicky: from brooklyn, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, amy schumer -- dj khaled -- and music from lcd soundsystem brought to you by bank of america -- with cleto and the cletones, featuring paul shaffer. and now, start spreading the news, here's jimmy kimmel!
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. hi, everybody. it's too much already. thanks. please, sit, relax, relax. welcome to -- [ cheers and applause ] that's very nice. thank you. all right, sit, sit. it's embarrassing. hey, welcome to the howard gillman opera house at the brooklyn academy of music. isn't it fantastic! thank you for having us here in
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brooklyn, new york. thank you for coming out to see us. this is our third time in brooklyn. last time we were here, you people asked, would we ever come back. and i to open 2,000 new cold press you shops. and you did. it's especially nice to do our show here before they turn it into a whole foods store. [ laughter ] i was born here in brooklyn, i grew up in mill basin. [ cheers and applause ] i went to ps 236 on avenue u u u did my first major drug deal outside the alexandra. it's great to be back. do you like our set, by the
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[ applause ] >> this is a special set built specially for you. th there was a play going on here until saturday night. so our crew flew in from l.a. and met with our other crew from new york, started loading equipment into the theater at 2:00 a.m. yesterday morning. they worked 22 hours straight to set everything up and get it going. they literally had no sleep till brooklyn. that's right, give them a round of applause. if it wasn't for this crew and the miracle of methamphetamines, none of us would be here tonight. we'd be picking through wiffle balls at models. no trip anywhere would be complete without my tequila monster. where's guillermo? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: guillermo, is there
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anything you would like to say to the 2,000 people who gathered here tonight to see you in this ridiculous outfit? >> thank you for coming! fugeta about it! >> jimmy: i know. welcome, guillermo. i want to get real with you for a moment here, if i could. when we decided to bring this show back to brooklyn, of course we wanted to make it special. so the first request my band leader cleto and i made was to a very special person, someone we grew up watching every night on tv. someone who, i dare say, we idolized. a man who has more soul than ever crossed over the imaginary line that divides our two great nations, a supernaturally gifted performer who popped from that big red maple leaf to the big red apple we're in the core of right now and never looked back, a legendary music man, the kick at david letterman's side for 33
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years, please welcome mr. paul shaffer. >> thank you, everybody! i'm here all week. i'm doing what we call in showbusiness, a mini residency. my mini residency, all week. i'll be with you, sir. >> well, thank you for being our mini resident. >> thanks for having me. >> jimmy: paul shaffer, everybody. fantastic show for you tonight. and all this week. amy schumer is here with us, music from the lcd soundsystem, and #blessed to have dj chaled in the house tonight. what's your favorite dj khaledkl song? ♪ ♪ money on my mind and i can't get enough ♪ ♪ every i step up in the building ♪ ♪ everybody's hand go up-a
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>> and they stay down, and they stay down, and they stay down! dj khaled. >>. >> jimmy: i know we're not going to top that. and in honor of the show being in brooklyn, all of the jokes were written by hand in biodegradable parchment, using natural ink sustained f harvestedlingen berries. it's all artisanal tonight. one of the great things about taking your show on the road is meeting new people. there are no better people to meet than the people here in brooklyn, so we thought it might be fun to take a smaller version of our show on the actual road. i got a taxi cab and a driver and a little desk and none other than paul shaffer to drive around and find guests to interview for a mini talk show in a taxi here in brooklyn.
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[ honking ] ♪ >> how ya doing? >> i'm doing okay. >> what's your name? mamdou. >> hello, i'm paul. >> nice to see you. >> jimmy, how are you? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. let's pick some people up and interview them. what do you say? >> awesome. that's wonderful. >> jimmy: paul, some picking-up music. >> sure. ♪ ♪ >> live from my cab, kimmel live!" all right. >> jimmy: you know what i hope we get, our customer, a man with no shirt on. >> we gonna try. >> jimmy: there's a guy -- him.
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need a cab, sir? >> how about her? >> oh, yes, yes. >> jimmy: hi there. >> hello. >> jimmy: our first guest is wearing a pink skirt. >> oh, how you doing? >> jimmy: doing well. what's your name? >> alisa hollis. >> jimmy: ladies and gentlemen, alisa hollis. >> i'm like, yeah, okay. >> jimmy: where are you headed? >> i'm right at high land park. >> jimmy: high land park. everything good? >> everything is good. >> jimmy: any new projects? >> working on my daughter. >> jimmy: how's that going? >> it's a work in progress. you know when your children have children, they don't want you to have too much input. >> jimmy: are you being overbearing grandmother? >> that's what she says. >> jimmy: well, that can hap can we call your daughter and get to the bottom of what's going on here? >> i would love to speak to her. i think that's really the only way you're going to work things out. people have to communicate.
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>> she might get offended. >> jimmy: she might get offended, but she might not. so let me talk to her and we'll see how it goes. just dial her up. >> what's your grandchild's name? >> neron. >> hello? >> jimmy: hi, sharon, it's jimmy kimmel and paul shaffer, we're here with your mom. >> for real? for real? >> jimmy: your mother told me she's been annoying you too much. telling you what to do with your children. and that sometimes reresentful. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so your mother said she's going to try to understand your point of view and respect that is, and in return, all she would like is that for you to understand that it all comes from a good place. >> she know i love her, but -- >> jimmy: did you love her a little too much? >> maybe. >> jimmy: is that neron in the background? >> no. >> jimmy: well, she loves him more than she loves you.
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oh, this is it right here. bye, sharon. thanks so much for being here. glad we could really iron things out and we'll see you real soon. >> thank you. [ applause ] ♪ ♪ >> we have a customer over here. i recognize this guy. hey! >> you got to be kidding me. >> did you need a ride? >> i'll take the next one. >> it's me! >> i'll take the next one. >> jimmy: bye, biff. >> people change, you know. >> jimmy: you got one? our next guest is wearing a red and white striped shirt. come on in. what is your name? >> my name is emily. oh, my gosh. hi. >> jimmy: please welcome emily. [ laughter ] >> live from my car, "jimmy
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kimmel live!" >> hi. >> jimmy: safety first. how are you? >> i'm good. just back from the pool. >> jimmy: do you have any anecdotes about that? >> i'm a synchronized stwimer. >> jimmy: you are? where are the others? >> i was synchronizing with myself today. >> jimmy: can you do that? >> synchronized swimming is with the muchk as well as with each other. >> jimmy: what song do you swim to? >> right now, we're swimming to "uptown funk". >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: bruno mars under water. >> i played a little updown funk, could you simulate? >> a land drill? >> jimmy: maybe i'll learn it with you. ♪ ♪ uptown funk gonna give it to you ♪ ♪ don't believe me ♪ just watch ♪ >> that's about all i can do. >> that's really good. >> jimmy: do you have a clip on
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your phone? >> i do. >> jimmy: would everyone like to see that? >> i'd love to. >> jimmy: okay, great. >> jimmy, you can't see it, but there's an actual synchronized swim going on right now. >> you should check it out. >> jimmy: you guys are swimming exactly the same way. thank you so much for being here. >> it was ♪ ♪ >> you know what that is? ♪ may sound crazy but it ain't no lie ♪ ♪ baby bye-bye bye-bye bye >> jimmy: no tip, emily? [ applause ] look who's here, mammadou is here. oh, everybody's here. how about that! thank you guys for riding with us. tonight on the show, music from lcd soundsystem, dj khaled is here and we'll be right back with amy schumer,
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from the brooklyn academy of music! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] sarah: every year we take a remember nashville? both: kimchi bbq! amazing honky-tonk! i can't believe you got us tickets! i did. i didn't pay for anything. (sigh) you never do. send me what i owe. i've got it. i mean, you did find money to buy those boots. (alert beep) are you serious? is that why you don't like them? those boots could make a unicorn cry. yeah! tears of joy. (groan) pay back a friend day is october 17th. get the bank of america mobile banking app today.
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welcome to maxx you. you are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. we see what makes you unique. so we have something for everyone, at a price that's just right for you. maxx you. maxx life. t.j.maxx [ "[ all ]" by simon anbees!funkel ] [ all ] bees! the volkswagen atlas. with easy-access 3rd row. life's as big as you make it. whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. and all day all night protection.
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♪ ♪watch this get an instant pot or air sale fryer - just $99.99 cuddl duds sheets or throws - $29.99 plus - take an extra 20% off when you spend $100 or more! you'll get kohl's cash too. right now - at kohl's. ♪ with the alaska airlines visa signature card you get a companion ticket every year. so why not take someone that you see all the time. someone like, i dunno, me? i mean i always spell your name right and put a little unicorn in your foam. no pressure but i really need to get out of here. they've been playing the same playlist for three months and i'm pretty sure you're not supposed to eat scones for dinner this many days in a row. mexico, hawaii, costa rica, i don't really know. i'm a quick packer. ♪
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♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are here in brooklyn, new york. that's paul shaffer sitting in with the cletones. paul will with be us all week. tonight on our show -- tomorrow night he can be seen on the title x the benefit concert, it's the we the best, dj khaled
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is here with us. and then this is their latest album, it's called "american dream." brooklyn's own lcd soundsystem from the mercedes-benz stage. tomorrow night, david letterman will be here and we'll have music from fifth harmony, and later this week, howard stern, billy joel, woody harrelson, cardi b, tony bennett and a number of surprise visitors, too, whose names i cannot reveal for legal reasons. but trust me, they will be significant. paul, do you think dave is gonna be mad when he finds out you're here? >> wait a minute, i'm here? no, it's a mini residency. he'll be okay. >> jimmy: yeah, i forgot about that. i forgot that, you're correct. our first guest tonight is a multi-talented entertainer who now, officially, does it all, at the booth theater on november 29th. she makes her broadway debut in a new play written by steve martin called "meteor shower." please say hello to amy schumer. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: welcome, amy. >> wow. >> jimmy: what is this? how ya doing? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: thanks for coming. >> i'm your first guest in new york. >> jimmy: you are, indeed. >> i'm honored. >> jimmy: i'm honored. imt. >> not as honored as me. and i wanted to give you a good luck vase. and this is the only thing i put flowers in, in my home. i don't know what you're allowed to travel with. >>. >> jimmy: thank you. this is a vase, you say? >> yes. did you smell it? >> jimmy: very herbal. >> super herbal. >> jimmy: almost a jamaican
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theme. >> it does. >> jimmy: is this a drug bomb? >> what! >> jimmy: sorry. didn't mean to assume anything. thank you for coming here and for bringing me this gift. but this is your town, born here, raised here, you live here now. what cities have you lived in, what boroughs have you lived in? >> isn't it great? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: have you lived in brooklyn? >> representing lenox hill, what's up? >> jimmy: this is very exciting, this whole thing with steve martin. were you like a theater kid? >> i was. started doing plays when i was 5. >> jimmy: oh, 5? >> yeah, i've been doing them forever. and i know people just think like i stand on the stage and talk about my vaj -- >> jimmy: well, it is on your linkedin profile. >> that's true. which you guys have to join. and i'm super excited about this because i've been doing tv and movies for a little and you have to not drink as much. >> jimmy: is that true?
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>> well, in a close-up, here we have the barbara walters lighting so it doesn't matter. but on movies -- [ laughter ] no, she has really good lighting. if you were ever on "the view," you're just eyes and a floating head. >> jimmy: i've never felt more gorgeous. >> i'm like, am i a 10 on "the view"? anyway, you can get hammered and wake up late, it's just a good schedule. >> jimmy: that's a lovely way of approaching it. >> it's good. i had a really cool weight gain last winter. has anyone ever had the kind of weight gain, where your coats don't fit? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: planning to have one this week. >> exactly. this is the week to do it. but it's your jeans. but if it's like a pea coat, you can't be like -- it's not like washing your coat. have you ever washed a coat in your life?
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>> jimmy: i don't know. >> guillermo, have you ever had a coat washed in your life? >> no, never. >> he gets it. >> jimmy: does that worry you? >> if i gain or lose weight? >> jimmy: just being in kind of an unhealthy situation. >> sure. and especially we're so blessed with the internet that people give you constant feedback on your looks, it's so -- and thank you for mean tweets, promoting it. such a cool time. [ applause ] >> thank you for all of your feedback on my face and body. but sometimes it kinda backfires on the trolls because the other day somebody tweeted about me, amy schumer's body looks like a bag of mashed potatoes. and i was like, okay, now i need mashed potatoes. and i had them! [ laughter ] >> i haven't had those in a while. >> jimmy: so you saw it as an inspiration? >> yeah. >> jimmy: your brother is here with us tonight? >> yes, he is. >> jimmy: and there's a special reason why. >> yeah.
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>> jimmy: because your brother and are the only two adults that i know who played the bass clarinet. >> that's right. >> jimmy: and your brother is a professional bass clarinet player and he's sitting in with cleto and paul and the guys. [ cheers and applause ] he even has a cd and all. the hottest instrument right now is the bass clarinet, as you can see. >> look at that. >> jimmy: and he's got a quartet and everything. he's going on tour and he's got a website and all this stuff. jason, would you mind sharing a story that perhaps might be embarrassing about your sister, amy, when you were growing up? >> oh you could just play music. >> i'd love to, love to. >> hi jase. >> hey, ames. good to see you. >> yeah, you too. remember when we grew up together? >> yeah, i'm going to focus on
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that. when i was about 16 -- this story is about amy. i was in the jewish junior olympics playing basketball. >> one person. one person is pretty psyched about that. jewish olympics. [ applause ] >> and we were warming up before the game, shooting lay-ups and i see my sister on the side of the court running out with her arms open at me. and i was like, amy, what's going on? she ran up to me, gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear, jase, i just got my period. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you really are very comfortable. >> from the bottom of my heart did not remember that. [ laughter ] >> just so you know, that was the first time i got it. i wasn't just going up to tell him about any one.
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>> jimmy: it was historic. >> yeah. can i say something approximate. >> jimmy: sure. >> you can always bum a tampon, you don't need to buy one. because someone will hook you up. >> jimmy: e oh, i know. sure. >> so i asked -- i was doing a photo shoot because i'm very beautiful and i'm at the photo shoot and i asked, it was a room of women, because you don't even have to say the words, you can just go, does anybody -- and this girl was like, yeah, i do. and she goes in front of the whole room, what size? [ laughter ] and i'm like, i know there's different sizes of tampons, obviously. but no one's ever confronted me. like what's the circumference of your -- do you have a big hole or do you have a little -- how big is the hole in your body? like, do you have something in a gaping? how about gaping?
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>> jimmy: on that note, perhaps we'll take a break. amy schumer is here. we'll be right back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live!" in brooklyn are brought to you by bank of america of america. tuesday is pay back a friend day. get the bank mobile banking app and get ready to settle up. who does he leave the snowmen for? [ distorted voice ] by the time you read this, [ distorted voice ] i will have built a new snowman. have you seen anything like this? never like this. [ gasp ] the snowman. rated r. in theaters friday.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there. we are back in brooklyn with samey schumer. amy's brother jason stein is sitting in with the band on base clarinet, of all instruments. he tours with you, when you go out and do stand-up? >> that man does arenas. >> jimmy: you've been performing together for some time actually. >> yes, and i couldn't think of about embarrassing stories because you know i don't get embarrassed. but i have a clip of the two of us dancing to michael jackson and i'd like to show. >> jimmy: let's look at it. amy and her brother. ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: i can see the chemistry. amy? steve martin himself asked you to be in this play that he wrote. >> yes, he did. >> jimmy: that's the best thing ever, isn't it? >> isn't that crazy? >> jimmy: there's nothing better than that. >> no, he's my hero. >> jimmy: well, of course. this is a photograph. tell us what's going on here in this photograph. >> this is a dinner at steve's house. >> jimmy: steve martin's house. >> oh, yeah. i just call him steve. it's crazy. >> jimmy: you guys are close. >> stevie. >> jimmy: edie brickell, seinfeld, lauren michaels, dave letterman, steve's wife ann, amy does not have a husband. >> jimmy: and dave's wife regina. >> how about that night, huh?
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>> jimmy: was that like a pot luck thing? >> in a way. >> jimmy: did you bring anything? >> um, yes. oh, i brought a flag whistle for his daughter. >> jimmy: did she like it? >> she did, but it turns out the parents didn't care for that gift at all. they're so fun, for all ages. slide whistle. >> jimmy: has it been fun working with steve on this? >> yes. >> jimmy: when did you meet him first? >> i met him about ten years ago. i was co-hosting this music show on the fuse network with mark hopith. >> jimmy: from blink 182? >> yeah. i love him. and steve was on with his bluegrass band. and he was so giving. and they have a new album out. you've gotta get it, the long awaited album. [ applause ] >> he would call that a smattering. so anyway, we had to film these
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promos and it's nice that he was willing to do these promos. and he kept asking for more takes. can i do one more? we got to do a bit together. and i walked out into times square and i called my mom and my dad and i cried, telling them that i got to a bit with steve martin. and i did his play in college. and he signed it for me when i met him at the show. >> jimmy: you brought the play? >> it had wine all over it. >> jimmy: so he knew. >> little offended by that. >> jimmy: but he knew it had been used. >> wow, this is unbelievable. i can't wait to see him. >> jimmy: so the previews start at the beginning of november, november 1st, and the official start of the show is november 29th. amy schumer! we'll be right back with dj khaled.
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>> dicky: portions of jim"jimmy kimmel live!" are brought to you by bank of america. learn more at bank of america.com/friends again. this. that one. ♪ ♪ ltry align probiotic.n your digestive system?
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>> jimmy: we're so happy to be back here in brooklyn, i see so many familiar faces. guillermo, i heard you ran into an old friend today. >> yes, i did, jimmy. it was very bad. >> jimmy: i'm sorry to hear that. >> but then it got better thanks to the help of the bank of america app. >> hey, my man? >> what! >> it's good to see you again. >> what's the matter? >> remember the last time you came to brooklyn and we went to mustache palooza together? >> oh, yeah, i wanted to buy a hot for my mustache burks but i didn't have any cash, and you loaned me some money. >> and you didn't pay me back. >> i never paid you back? >> not ever. >> never? >> no. >> and you're sure? >> no. >> i never pay you back?
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>> no. >> so what you're saying is, i didn't pay you back? >> no. >> i didn't? >> no. >> no wonder you don't let me anymore. it's okay, guillermo. it's pay back a friend day. >> that's great. but i still don't have the cash to pay you back. >> do you have a phone? >> yeah. >> just open the bank of america app, use it to send money, request money, or even use it to split a bill. i got it. >> and to celebrate, i got you a present. >> what? >> a mustache hat! it's perfect. >> i love you. >> i love you, guillermo. >> can i borrow $30? >> sure. >> you can send it to me -- >> on the bank of america app. >> yeah. >> it's time to settle up, pay back a friend day is october 17th, presented by bank of america.
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>> hey, jimmy are you using the bank of america app? bank of america app? >> jimmy: no, i'm buying tickets to mustachepalooza. but thank you. we'll be right back with dj khaled. cards. your old magic set? (sigh) and this wrestling ticket. which you still owe me for. seriously? $25? i didn't even want to go. ahh, your diary! "mom says it is totally natural..." $25 is nothing. (alert beep) abracadabra, bro. pay back a friend day is october 17th. get the bank of america mobile banking app today. (avo) if you'rand you've triedlly pain any number of laxatives, probiotics, and fiber, it could be wearing on you. tell your doctor what you've tried and how long you've been at it. linzess works differently from laxatives. linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation
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♪ >> jimmy: music of sound smith is on the way. amy schumer is here. our next guest is a platinum-selling music producer and champion of cocoa butter who's got more major keys than the steinway piano factory in queens. you can see him on the live stream of "tidal x brooklyn" tomorrow night at 8:00 p.m. please bless it up for dj khaled! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: first of all, welcome. >> that is the greatest. we in brooklyn right now! >> jimmy: that's true. >> before you even do your thing, i want to praise you. you're such a great father. you are a great father. and we do the interview and all that, but shout at jimmy because he uses his platform to show love. [ cheers and applause ] i'm so grateful to be here. so many other stars and celebs and other great people that could have been in this chair. look at me, dj khaled live brooklyn on jimmy [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: you know i love you, but what people may not realize is that amy paid to charity, donated $50,000 to jet ski with dj khaled. offered this up for the project for red. >> i got a bargain. >> jimmy: have you guys done your jet ski trip yet? >> we talked backstage. >> yeah, we did talk. >> i want to do it. we're going to do it. >> we're doing it! >> jimmy: i want jimmy kimmel to film this and have him on the jet ski too beside us and do the show live in the ocean. >> live in the ocean! >> miami. >> jimmy: i don't think anybody's ever done a show live in the ocean. >> we gonna do it, aren't we? [ cheers and applause ] >> they can't keep us out of the ocean. >> they can't. it's our ocean! >> jimmy: it's a public ocean. >> i look good tonight, man. >> jimmy: you do look good. >> i always love coming on these shows, because i come on jimmy's
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show, i get to put my fly outfit on. >> you look great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you're being honored by the save the music foundation and that's i'm sure a big deal for you. >> definitely. >> jimmy: what is it? >> you know, it's all the blessings that god has given me to work with the young world, with getting food and i buy instruments for the school programs. not just one school, but we made a national situation. >> jimmy: that's great. >> it's given so many keys to the young world out there to uplift them, especially through hard times right now, fire, you understand. so the more wins and the more blessings god gives me, every day i want to do more of just giving to the kids and uplifting them. >> jimmy: and lifting up the kids. your son, who is adorable, by the way, one of the cutest kids i've ever seen. >> thank you. >> jimmy: he is almost 1. >> yeah. >> jimmy: he's the executive producer of your most recent album. >> yes. >> jimmy: he is the only executive producer.
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not like he's 1 of 11. >> no, the only one. >> jimmy: when is his birthday? >> his birthday is october 23rd. and speaking of him being the executive producer, the album that he's the executive producer on went platinum. >> jimmy: right. >> it went gold in two weeks. you know what i'm saying, my biggest album and my son is my biggest blessing. he's changed my life. man, i'm happy! >> jimmy: you should be. >> he must be happy. >> jimmy: i love that boy. speaking of his birthday, friends with bupuff daddy. >> we throwing a big birthday party for his size. puff daddy got be involved. me and puff were talking, going to do something big for assad. >> jimmy: does he care? doesn't he just want a bounce house and not puff daddy? >> you know, he a king. >> he's an executive producer.
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>> jimmy: doesn't he have to work that day? it's a weekday, isn't it? >> well, right now, you know what i'm saying -- >> jimmy: he's going to take the day off? >> he's gonna take a day off. >> jimmy: and will puff daddy buy him a gift? >> he doesn't have to. >> jimmy: yes, he does. >> i like that, i like that. he doesn't have to, but i like that. puff, what's going on, boy? >> jimmy: i have a gift just for you and the baby. you were very nice to send me and my son matching sweaters. this is the major key to the city. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and in honor of brooklyn, i don't know if it's appropriate for babies, but we got you some hand made artisanal cocoa butter. this is -- i mean, you rub that stuff on, rub it on the baby. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it is going to be a beautiful thing. >> so many great things happening in brooklyn. you know, i love brooklyn. i love the jamaican food. and i also love, tomorrow we
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doing a bit with jay-z. >> jimmy: benefit concert. >> help rise up puerto rico and all the victims from the hurricanes, earthquakes, it's so much going on. and just to get it all on one stage to donate money and raise money. >> jimmy: it's a big show? huge show. >> jay-z, j.lo, stevie wonder, dj chaise khaled! >> jimmy: dj khaled! watch the live stream of "tidal x brooklyn" tomorrow night at 8:00 eastern. we'll be right back! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: music in brooklyn on "jimmy kimmel live!" is brought to you by mercedes-benz -- the best or nothing.
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you get a companion ticketes visaevery year.card so why not take...me? i mean i always spell your name right. seriously, take me, i can't listen to this playlist any longer. i'm thinking mexico, and i'm a quick packer. ♪ (dog panting) another 2am stroll, huh? i'm worried. i have this medical bill. dave, you have anthem,
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and they have people to talk to who are empowered to help answer any question you... (dog grunting, panting) is... is he okay? real people? living and breathing. hopefully not breathing like that. for all the things that keep you up at night, anthem blue cross has a solution. >> dicky: music in brooklyn on "jimmy kimmel live!" is brought to you by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank amy schumer, dj khaled, and flava flav, jason steen, and apologies to matt damon, we ran
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out of time for him. "nightline" is next, but first their album is called "american dream." here with the song "tonite," lcd soundsystem! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ everybody's singing the same song it goes tonight tonight tonight tonight ♪ i never realized these artists thought so much about dying ♪ ♪ but truth be told we all have the same end could make you cry cry cry cry cry ♪ ♪ but i'm telling you this is the best news you're getting all week >> my friend matt. oh sure it's ♪ ♪ ruling the airwaves what remains of the airwaves and we're frankly thankful for the market ♪ ♪ psychology you're hipping us to and all the hits are saying the same thing ♪ ♪ there's only tonight tonight tonight tonight
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tonight tonight and life is finite ♪ ♪ but it feels like forever it feels like forever oh is everybody feeling the same stuff ♪ ♪ we're all wild except for you and you know who you are this is a love song ♪ ♪ and you're getting older i promise you this you're getting older and there's improvements ♪ ♪ unless you're a winner and the future's a nightmare, and there's nothing i can do ♪ ♪ there's nothing anyone can do about this ♪ and oh oh oh i'm offering you a ♪ ♪ chance to get even but oh oh oh you know very well the dialect of negation ♪
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♪ sure enemies haunt you with spit and derision but friends are the ones who can put you in an exile ♪ ♪ but that's not right and you're too sharp to be used or you're too shocked ♪ ♪ from being used by these bullying children of the fabulous raffling off limited ♪ ♪ edition shoes and what's it you do again oh i'm a reminder the hobbled veteran of ♪ ♪ the disk shop inquisition set to parry the cocksure of mem-stick filth with my own late era ♪ ♪ middle-aged ramblings every lover favors the same things
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it's all touch me ♪ ♪ touch me touch me touch me tonight we maybe realize what it is we need before we die ♪ ♪ and luck is always better than skill at things we're flying blind oh good gracious ♪ ♪ i sound like my mom but out of the little rooms and onto the streets you've lost your internet ♪ ♪ and we've lost our memory we had a paper trail that led to our secrets but embarrassing pictures ♪ ♪ have now all been deleted by versions of selves that we thought were the best ones 'till versions of versions ♪ ♪ of others repeating come laughing at everything we thought was important while still making ♪ ♪ mistakes that you thought you had learned from and reasonable people
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know better than you ♪ ♪ that cost in the long run but they don't know the short game and terrible people know ♪ ♪ better than you the use and abuse of the wants of dear listener so you will be badgered ♪ ♪ and taunted and told that you're missing a party that you'll never get over you hate the idea that ♪ ♪ you're wasting your youth that you stood in the background oh until you got older ♪ ♪ but that's all lies that's all lies that's all lies that's all lies ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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this is "nightline." tonight, a soldier's plea. sergeant bowe bergdahl of course red from the taliban under president obama, called a traitor by then presidential candidate trump. now faces prison after pleading guilty to desertion. but has he already been punished enough? >> i'm just going to die here from sickness. >> in our abc news exclusive interview. plus, play at home dad, the former baseball mega star alex rodriguez taking us inside his home base. his life in the stands, cheering on new girlfriend jennifer lopez. >> the best show i've ever seen. >>

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