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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  October 18, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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now on jimmy kimmel, howard stern. >> have a good night. who hit this ball? >> jimmy: sorry, mike piazza, guillermo hit that. >> impressive power. >> jimmy: actually, you know what? i -- i hit the ball. it was me. with the power. >> shut the hell up, kimmel. >> jimmy: thanks. >> guillermo: nice guy. >> dicky: from brooklyn it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, howard stern, and music from cardi b, brought to you by smirnoff, with cleto and the cletones featuring paul shaffer. and now hit 'em with the hein,
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here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. hello, brooklyn. thank you for coming. thanks for clapping and standing and all that stuff. that's very nice. i appreciate it. welcome, welcome. sit, sit, relax. thanks for coming. thank you for watching at home. in case you're wondering what the hell is happening right now, we are broadcasting all this week from the howard gillman opera house from the brooklyn academy of music. [ cheers and applause ] i'm very glad to say that, it would be extremely embarrassing if we hadn't. it's our third night here, it's
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our third time in brooklyn. we've been here twice before. i love brooklyn but i want to be honest the real reason we're here is to get as far out of north korea's missile range as possible. we don't feel safe in l.a. anymore. this is a big night for baseball around these parts. [ cheers and applause ] and in l.a. too, and chicago. but tonight in the bronx, the yankees right now are playing the astros in game five of the american league championship series. apparently the astros are now in the american league, which still doesn't feel right to me. but the yankees, they looked like they were going to get blown out, they were the wild card team. they lost the first two games of the series on the road. then they had a dramatic comeback, come-from-behind win last night to even things up 2-2 games, which has everyone so excited their thumbs actually have turned upside down to the reverse way. oh, you haven't been watching the games? okay, i understand. [ laughter ] it makes sense why you're here. the last time we were here, the
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mets went to the world series. [ cheers and applause ] let me just say something as a mets fan. the yankees may have more world series rings than anyone but they'll never have what the mets have, a mascot with a giant baseball for a head. that belongs to us. [ cheers and applause ] not only was tonight game five of the alcs, the first game of the new nba season for the brooklyn nets. here's a fun bit of trivia for you. the knicks and the nets, according to las vegas, have the worst odds of winning the title this season of any teams in the nba. the odds are 1,000-1. which means if you were to bet $100 on the knicks or nets you would lose $100. [ laughter ] maybe the knicks and nets are combined teams. like when two neighboring high schools become too small, or when nathan's and arthur treachers decide to pair and up share a space, think about it. we have a great show tonight. the powerful and wonderful
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howard stern is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and i'm going to say -- for those who have been listening to him know that he is here very reluctantly. he's been complaining almost nonstop about having to come here tonight. donald trump was more excited to visit puerto rico than howard stern is to be here tonight. laugh live but he came anyway. because he loves you, brooklyn. and he loves brooklyn. [ cheers and applause ] well, actually, he doesn't. he made that very clear on the air this morning. and as is always the case, wherever howard goes, his whack pack follows. [ cheers and applause ] the whack pack -- look at that. brett and jarret and marianne. either that or there's been an escape from the kings borough psychiatric center. jeff the drunk is here. we have a lot of howard stern fans here tonight.
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[ cheers and applause ] we decided to conduct an experiment. we sent a camera out to the line where you guys were waiting outside. we wanted to find out how long it would take before someone yelled "baba buoy." we asked you guys to welcome me to brooklyn and -- well, let's find out how long it was before baba got buoyed. >> tell jimmy kimmel welcome to brooklyn. >> welcome to brooklyn. >> welcome to brooklyn. what up, welcome. >> welcome to brooklyn. >> welcome to brooklyn. >> baba buoy! >> jimmy: there you go, 8.19 seconds. all right, so the king of all medias headia is here tonight. also the leader of the world's most dangerous band, on loan from thunder bay, ontario, mr. paul shaffer is here with cleto. >> thanks, everybody. the mini residency continues.
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it's might three of the mini residency. and through the stockholm syndrome is starting to kick in. >> jimmy: is it really? >> all is well, though. >> jimmy: it was fun having you with dave letterman last night, i felt like an intruder on my own set. did you speak to dave following the show snrkts i saw him before the mad. he was a middle mad, he said everybody who used to work for me now works for kimmel, including me. i said, dave, it was just a mini residency, he was okay with that. >> jimmy: mini residency, make no mistake, paul does not work for me, if anything it's the other way around. >> mini residency, thanks for having me. >> jimmy: paul shaffer will be here all this week. also tonight we have music from a very popular young woman. cardi b, she is from the bronx. she has the number one song in the country. and no brooklyn show would be complete without my friend
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guillermo. where is guillermo? oh, wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: hi, everybody! >> jimmy: it's the statue of liberty-quila. say something patriotic to the people of brooklyn as you welcome them on night three. >> guillermo: god bless america! [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: i love new york! i love brooklyn! >> jimmy: by the way, guillermo is not wearing makeup, this is his natural color after three days here. we've had a great week so far. brooklyn is still the only place in the world where you can fy a $15 kambucha and walk outside and step on a rat. it's got that range. the city of new york is only
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number two when it comes to rats now in the united states. orkin, the exterminator company, put out a list of the cities with the worst rat infestations, new york finished second to chicago. chicago is number one rat-like now. i'm not sure whether you're from chicago? orkin made this list based on the number of rodent treatments they do, chicago had the most, which means new york -- new york is probably still number one, you just learn to live with the rats. it's not that you have few erats, it's just that you gave and up started calling them roommates. l.a. came in third. but we still have the most kardashians. so we've got that going for us. l.a. also has a rat problem but we call them chihuahuas and carry them around in a $4,000 purse. there is a rivalry between l.a. and new york which we may see exacerbated during the world series. i always enjoy that rivalry. it's fun. to get it going we set up a camera crew on east coast and we ask kids in new york to talk about l.a. and kids in l.a. to
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talk about new york. and this is what those children had to say. >> what tune do you think is be new york or l.a.? >> new york. >> how come? >> because everybody wishes they live in new york. and you don't need to be stuck in a car all day and those stuff. >> what do you think is better, new york or l.a.? >> new york. >> how come? >> what -- how come? we're the best city in the world. no explanation. hands down. >> what's better, l.a. or new york? >> i'm going to say l.a. because i like l.a., it has lego land, and it even has my mom's sister. my mom's brother here. >> what's better, new york or l.a.? >> definitely new york. >> how come? >> because we don't have the kardashians. [ laughter ] >> what's the worst thing about new york? >> people are fat. >> why are people so fat in new york?
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>> they eat some cakes. >> what do you think is better, new york or l.a.? >> new york. >> how come? >> because in l.a., all they have is just fake food and in new york it's real food. >> who's in charge of new york? >> god. >> who runs l.a.? >> i run it! my mom runs errands. >> me too. my mom too. >> what's the capital of new york? >> noah case k.? >> who owns the city of new york? >> how should i know? >> who drinks more beer, people in new york or l.a.? >> my mommy and daddy do, every night they drink a lot. >> really. >> people from new york like to get pretty drunk? >> yes. >> why is that? >> to -- to make their feelings go away about bad things. >> can you give an impression of someone from l.a.? >> hi, how are you?
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>> what kinds of things do people in new york say all the time? >> [ bleep ]. >> can you do an impression of someone from l.a.? >> i'm going to go hiking today, yes, sir! >> can you do an impression of someone from l.a.? >> oh my god, stacy, i just got my buttlift, oh my god, tracy, i just got my ass extension, oh my god, i just can't believe it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, kids. we have to take a break. when we come back, we will be back with howard stern! >> jimmy: you're a bartender by trade. obviously the bar part is self-explanatory.
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what about the tender part of the job? >> the tender part of the job is being close to your customers. >> got to give everybody a little kiss on the cheek sometimes, you know? >> that's when you speak to people and you hear their problems and you tender their feelings. >> jimmy: are people still coming to bartenders with their problems? >> yes, they do. >> jimmy: they do? >> yes, always. >> jimmy: do you feel you can help them? >> not at all but i fake it as much as i can. >> jimmy: would you rather have a bottle opener pertinently installed in your armpit? or the ability to dispense club soda out of your nose? >> club soda out the nose, just drink it all the time. >> jimmy: i think that's a good choice. >> it's just relikelicycling. >> i'm going to go with the bottle opener. >> club soda out of my nose, man. >> jimmy: that's how i feel. >> yeah, it's disgusting and refreshing at the same time. >> jimmy: can you spell the word daquiri? >> oh, no.
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d-a-i-g-r-i-c-a? i don't know, i don't make them. go someplace else and have a daquiri. >> jimmy: can you spell daquiri? >> no, i can barely spell my own name. >> d-a-q-u-r-i. >> jimmy: close enough. >> d-a-q-u-i-r-i? >> jimmy: almost, almost, one "i" short. >> really, that sucks. >> >> jimmy: what is your stance on the tiny umbrella? >> i love them. >> jimmy: love them? >> greatest garnish ever invented. >> do people still use tiny umbrellas? in l.a.? not in brooklyn. >> jimmy: >> i actually like the tiny umbrella. i think it looks very nice in a
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pina colada and you can charge a little extra when you put the umbrella in there. >> i think outdoors it makes more sense than indoors. >> jimmy: why, it's keeping something out of the drink? >> it's keeping the sun from melting your ice. >> jimmy: is that why it's there? >> i think that's the purpose of it, yeah. >> jimmy: do you ever lie to customers so you don't have to make their drink? >> every day. every single day. >> constantly. >> yes. >> a lot of times, you know, the blender's not working. >> jimmy: ah, the blender's not working. rmts i c >> i can shake it for you. but they don't want it shaken and i know that. >> jimmy: what's the most annoying way customers try to get your attention? >> when they scream "yo" across the bar, that's the worst. >> jimmy: "yo" is no good. >> they think because they're from brooklyn they can go yo, yo. doesn't work. >> jimmy: is one yo better than two yo's? >> the more the worse. yo, yo, yo is horrible, you'll never get a drink.
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>> jimmy: to bartenders. >> cheers. >> cheers. >> cheers. >> jimmy: to brooklyn. >> thank you. >> to brooklyn. >> the real brooking lin. >> smirnoff number 21 vodka. the answer to all of life a esridiculous questions. get an instant pot or air sale fryer - just $99.99 cuddl duds sheets or throws - $29.99 plus - take an extra 20% off when you spend $100 or more! you'll get kohl's cash too. right now - at kohl's.
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introducing fast food's first made with 100% ribeye beef, fresh spring mix and provolone cheese on an artisan potato bun. yep, nailed it come try my new ribeye burgers. only at jack in the box. >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back to the show. that's paul shaffer sitting in with cleto and the cletones. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy! >> jimmy: as paul mentioned this is part of his mini residency. paul will go in las vegas with another mini residency at caesar's palace starting
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december 31st and going through the new year. >> that's a mini residency but this is too. >> jimmy: later new york native, from the bronx, her single is called "bodak yellow." cardi b from the mercedes-benz stage. her song has been number one for three weeks. and speaking of number one songs tomorrow night billy joel will be here to chat and to play music and tracy morgan will be here to go nuts. so please join us then. our first guest tonight is here under protest and i will never hear the end of asking him to come but i did because he is the greatest radio host in history whom you can hear on sirius xm every day. please welcome the incredible howard stern! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you doing? [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: you look fantastic. >> thank you, you look great. frankly, i can't wait for cardi b to get out here, is my segment over yet? >> jimmy: are you excited for cardi b? >> that's why i came tonight, i don't care about jimmy, i like cardi b. [ cheers and applause ] look at that i can't believe paul shaffer is here. my god. >> hello, howard. [ applause ] i'm back. >> what happened to this guy? i thought after letterman, something, something, some kind of gig, some kind of job would have popped up. now he's stuck here in brooklyn. >> i'm doing a mini residency. >> and this poor guy.
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this poor bastard, cleto, your band leader? it's like paul took over, you don't even see cleto. >> with his policing. >> why would you do that to poor cleto? [ bleep ]. >> cleto loves paul. >> they go back. >> they're going to go back to l.a., push cleto aside and get questlove, i'm telling you. i watched you last night. >> jimmy: you did. >> it's great to have you in brooklyn. your supposed home. i am friendly with jimmy, i don't have too many friends, but that's how jimmy got me out here. he says, look, my producer is going to call you. >> jimmy: yes. >> there's no pressure in any of this. >> jimmy: right. >> i'm going to tell you right now you do not need to do the show. i'm just telling you, if you want to do it, you can do it. hot hell can say no to that? but i'm done. i want to announce -- >> jimmy: you could have said no to that. >> i couldn't because you're such a great guy. he's such a lovely guy. [ cheers and applause ]
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i couldn't say no. but i got to tell you. i hate doing talk shows. >> i know you do, yeah, yeah. >> it's so unnatural. everyone evaluates you. how did he do? was he funny? did he pull his pants down? was he farting? he wasn't good enough. it makes my neuroses crazy. >> jimmy: i know, yes. >> listen -- >> jimmy: now that you're out here, do you feel happy to be here? >> no i am miserable. i want cardi b to come out. i watched -- your producer said to me, please watch jimmy with david letterman. >> jimmy: okay. >> of course i watched last night as all of you did. [ laughter ] and there you said, nothing could be better than having david letterman on. >> jimmy: and stevie wonder. >> and stevie wonder. so i said, why am i coming out? but listen -- >> jimmy: do you feel any sense of jealousy when i talk about david letterman? >> yeah, well, i do. i feel that i have been a greater influence in your life. but somehow -- i don't know whether it's embarrassment or
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you get more bang for your buck when you say letterman was your hero. but you got into radio, that's how you got started. >> i got started in radio. >> and i was your hero. >> jimmy: you still are my hero, howard, make no mistake about it. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. but -- but. the thing of it is, i'm watching the show last night, you're fawning over dave. >> jimmy: i love dave. >> dave, when you retired, you gave me your neck ties, you sent me all of your neck ties that you wore on the show. >> jimmy: right. >> so i brought you a gift. >> jimmy: oh, you did. >> i brought you a gift. that's why i brought out this bag. >> jimmy: beautifully wrapped. >> this is all of my dirty laundry. [ laughter ] this is my underwear, my socks, my t-shirts, and even my thong. >> jimmy: wow, what a beautiful gift that is. >> and you can -- [ cheers and applause ] can you get that? >> jimmy: oh, yeah, that's -- what's it say? >> jimmy: i heart howard. >> i love howard.
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>> jimmy: i will definitely wear these tonight. >> you can pick through this, pick your favorites, you can wear them. whatever you don't use, you send back. >> jimmy: i will, okay, thank you so much. >> no neck ties. >> jimmy: really a wonderful, wonderful gift you have. >> but this is exciting. >> jimmy: it is exciting. >> it's so exciting to be here. >> jimmy: do you find it easier or harder to talk to somebody? we are friends in real life -- >> people don't know this, but jimmy is actually a friend. i don't make friends easily. >> no, you have no -- it seems that you don't have any other friends. >> and he is such a dear friend to me. you and molly, your wife. that we've become like newhart and rickles. i'm not sure which one i am. >> you travel to europe together. >> no, we travel to my house together. but we do -- we hang out. >> jimmy: yes. >> people imagine what we do. but the truth is, we went blackberry picking. >> jimmy: that's right. >> we draw and paint together. >> jimmy: that's right. >> people don't know how sensitive we are. >> jimmy: it's like a senior center we're living in together. >> yeah. [ laughter ]
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jimmy announces to me, this year i want to bring my children. you just had billy. and of course jane, your daughter. he says, i'm going to bring the kids. and i'm like, oh [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] i mean, really. i want an adult weekend with you, i don't want the kids. they're nice kids but do you want his kids at your house? no. [ laughter ] and i have had the worst luck with other people's kids. i don't no why but kids see me and they get really scared. >> why do you think that is? >> it's like i'm frankenstein on the banks of the river. rrrr! so he announces jane is coming. >> jimmy: my daughter jane, these 3. >> so like i get nuts about it because i don't want jane in front of my wife being scared of children and scared of me. >> jimmy: right. oh, interesting. >> i work super hard to win your daughter over. now not only -- it's not even a relaxing vacation for me because jimmy's there with the kid and i got to win your kid over. and it's just horrible. it's just the worst thing in the
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world. so i thought -- so jane walks in, she's looking at me. the kid's 2 years old at the time. she's looking at me like, oh my god, what is this? and i do my standard, i break into the name game. you know the name game? [ cheers and applause ] i go like this. the kid's staring at me, i can tell she's on the verge of tears, she's nervous. and i go like this. "jane, would you like to hear a song?" she's like, okay. i go -- ♪ ooh ooooh ♪ jane jane banana fanna me mi jane ♪ the kid warms up a little bit. jane, would you like to hear another name? how about your dad? ♪ jimmy jimmy banana fanna me jimmy ♪ am i correct? >> jimmy: that's exactly what happens, yeah. >> why my working so hard for this kid? this is my home, my vacation. >> jimmy: i don't know, i feel like i can't win with you. i feel if i didn't invite you on
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the show, you would be annoyed i didn't invite you -- >> i am announcing my retirement. >> jimmy: from what? >> from this show. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: from this show? >> this is my last appearance on this show, it's the end, i do not want to be invited, thank you. >> jimmy: will you stay through the commercial break, at least, and we'll continue this? >> not only will i stay, because i have to listen to paul. poor paul, and poor cleto hanging himself. [ laughter ] i'm going to stay, i would love to be here with you. i'm going to tell you the follow-up song i do for jane. >> jimmy: yes, i think everybody would love to hear that. maybe we'll get some accompaniment. howard stern is here! we'll be right back. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live in brooklyn" are brought to you by smirnoff number 21. the world's number one vodka. welcome to maxx you. you are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. you stand out in a crowd.
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hi, there. wing back with howard stern. cardi b is on the way. howard. >> oh my god, and look at jimmy. he grew up in brooklyn. when did you leave brooklyn? >> jimmy: when i was 9 years old, we moved to las vegas. >> when you were 9 years. because nobody thinks of you from brooklyn. i say, jimmy's like a carpet bagger, wherever he goes, he's
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from. >> jimmy: you grew up in las vegas. coming from a man who this very morning was talking about his tour of duty in vietnam. [ laughter ] even though you were a teenager when the war essentially ended. >> it was such a great war. oh my god. there were no rules of engagement. >> jimmy: thank you for your service. >> oh, you're welcome. >> jimmy: i do want to say that. >> i hope no ebb here has stolen valor, i hate that. >> jimmy: you don't want to steal any valor. i believe your show has never been better than it is, do you agree with that? [ cheers and applause ] >> yes. i feel very good about the show. as you know shls we're on sirius xm radio. i found that to be -- i found it to be very liberating, getting on satellite radio where it's a subscriber service. and all of a sudden you have more time to spread out. you're able to -- we interview people and you're able to spent an hour, hour and a half with people. i find it fascinating. >> i find it very fascinating too. the interviews i think are better than any interviews you
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see anywhere on television, radio, whatever. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but i also think that it's not just the medium of being on satellite radio, not having to deal with commercials and stuff. you seem to have changed a lot. especially when we listen -- i hear the old shows, i think, wow, that's like a really totally different guy. >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you think you've changed? >> yeah, i love. i think the most boring broadcasters, and this has always been my philosophy, the most boring broadcasters are the ones that don't evolve, they don't change, they don't change with the times off they don't sort of grow up. i mean, the show i did in my 20s and 30th is way different than what i'm doing now. >> jimmy: when ier that that show i wonder if it could even be on the air now. i know back then, certainly you had sponsors pull out, you had trouble with the fcc. but now -- >> that was the great part. when i was on regular radio, they call it terrestrial radio. when i was on regular radio, the great thing was you'd go on and sex, and sex talk, and
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outrageousness, was the thing. because you were breaking all the boundaries. it was taboo. i mean, i got fined by the united states government millions of dollars for saying the word penis. and now penis comes out of my mouth and your mouth so easily. >> jimmy: yeah, well, sure. [ laughter ] goes in easy too. >> no, but seriously, it was shocking back then. and the things -- >> jimmy: lesbians were something that i feel like you introduced to america. >> i did. and i'd say -- [ laughter ] one day lesbianism will rule the television airwaves and that's how people will get ratings. sure enough it came to pass. to be doing that same show on satellite radio, where you can do anything, nobody cares, would actually be i think a bit of a bore. so i had a sit-down. when i got to satellite i had to figure out what it is i wanted to do with that medium. it's very different than regular radio. i think the show has evolved into something, you know -- it's still wacky, it's still outrageous, we still talk about anything. but --
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>> jimmy: the guests you get now. on occasion you'd get a-list guests in the past. you had robert plant on this morning from led zeppelin. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: somebody that i know you love. >> robert plant i idolize. when i was a kid, believe it or not, you look at me, this guy's a male model, he's so good-looking, but i was not. in high school i was not that attractive. >> jimmy: i find it impossible to believe but go on. >> i've evolved into these looks. but robert plant to me was like a god. and i would spend, again -- i would spend time in my room sitting there, listening to led zeppelin and robert plant and the beatles and the stones. and i just loved music. >> jimmy: you asked him a great question this morning. you asked him if he's ever made love or had sex to his own mu c music. >> and of course he looked at me and said, who are you? he didn't answer it, exactly. >> jimmy: have you ever had sex listening to your own radio
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show? [ laughter ] >> yes. after i tie my wife up, we -- no. that would be a big mistake. actually, i've never been able to get a woman in bed unless the radio show's on. >> jimmy: you said something on the air a couple of weeks ago and i made note of it because i felt like it needed follow-up. you said your wife beth has never seen you naked when you are >> i was talking about the harvey weinstein -- anybody here of this guy harvey weinstein? it's unbelievable. when did this guy have time to make movies? i don't know. [ cheers and applause ] i thought movie-making was hard, come on. no, but this guy. it's an unbelievable story. and i said, all these guys who do sexual harassment, i mean, they're freaks. this big fat guy, what does he think? he says to a woman, here's his standard move according to all these women. he goes, listen, i'm going to get in the shower, i want you to watch me nude.
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now, i'm a man. if you saw me naked, you'd throw up. [ laughter ] there is no girl on the planet that wants to see harvey weinstein naked and is going to get aroused. if i was harvey weinstein i'd wear a burqa and say, you don't have to look at me. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] who puts this the logic together, right? think about it. imagine me naked. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy. >> jimmy: yes. >> same with this bill o'reilly. you know who he unless is? they threw him out of fox. i'm going to come over and get in the shower. what is with these guys in the shower? men don't look good in the shower. it's the same with this anthony weiner. >> jimmy: oh, yes. >> which his name is -- it's unbelievable, this guy. what does he do? he's sectioning and he's sending pick tours of his penis. the one thing women don't want to see is a guy's penis. they want to see you've got a
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job. they want to see you treat them nice. [ cheers and applause ] right if right? >> guillermo: you're right. >> if i sent a woman a picture of your penis, you think she'd go to bed with you? >> guillermo: never. >> if you saw my penis, which you haven't yet -- >> jimmy: we will. let's take a break and when we come back we'll see howard's penis. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live in brooklyn" are brought to you by smirnoff number 21. the world's number one vodka.
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oh, you yeah!ht butch. (butch growls at man) he's looking at me right now, isn't he? yup. (butch barks at man) butch is like an old soul that just hates my guts. (laughs) (vo) you can never have too many faithful companions. introducing the all-new crosstrek. love is out there. find it in a subaru crosstrek. that's why at petsmart we carry royal canin breed health nutrition formulas. now spend $50 on royal canin and save $10 on your next purchase and when you buy any bag of dog or cat food we give a meal to a pet in need. petsmart - for the love of pets. tit's the google assistant for your house, so it gets you. if you mumble. [minions gibberish] it gets you. if you talk like this: man: add worcestershire sauce to my cart. it still gets you. gh: ok adding now. and if you're like: man: hey google, play my love playlist. (truly madly deeply by savage garden plays) uh really?
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play my love playlist. (pony by ginuwine plays) it's google home mini and the rest of the google home family. ♪ the unpredictability of a flaree may weigh on your mind. thinking about what to avoid, where to go, and how to work around your uc. that's how i thought it had to be. but then i talked to my doctor about humira,
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and learned humira can help get and keep uc under control... when certain medications haven't worked well enough. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. raise your expectations and ask your gastroenterologist if humira may be right for you. with humira, control is possible.
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you get a companion ticketes visaevery year.card so why not take...me? i mean i always spell your name right. seriously, take me, i can't listen to this playlist any longer. i'm thinking mexico, and i'm a quick packer. ♪ we're back. we're having a great deal of fun with howard stern who you can hear every morning on sirius xh radio. did any of my relatives bother you tonight? >> this is some show. i've never seen a show with such nepotism. that's got to be against the law. your mom's usually here. >> jimmy: i my parents are both
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here. >> your parents are here, there's a cousin who work on this the show. >> jimmy: my son works here. >> the son works here. >> jimmy: two cousins. >> is cleto somehow related? and i said, look, i'm coming here under protest. but do me a favor, keep your family out of my dressing room. they come in they're taking selfies, they're doing all this kind of stuff. i'm like what kind of show is this? leave me alone, i'm not here -- it's like jimmy's bar mitzvah or something going on. >> jimmy: i never had one. >> it's a fun vibe. just leave me alone. >> jimmy: do you have fun? >> no. i never have fun. >> jimmy: what would you be doing tonight right now if you weren't here? >> i'd probably be -- well, i shouldn't even say this. you ever hear this u-porn? [ laughter ] you on that? >> jimmy: i haven't heard of it. >> paul, you on that? what's better than a doob and u-porn? >> that's how you spend an evening. >> i go on there, i watch such weird porn. i'm really not into these things. >> jimmy: what kind of stuff are you into?
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>> i watch babysitter porn. a woman comes over to babysit, the next thing she knows she's with the dad. it's tough. i'm not even interested in that in real life. but suddenly i'm watching it. you know, i figured by this age i wouldn't be doing this kind of thing anymore, maybe i'd grow up. >> jimmy: it hasn't tailed off at all? >> no, it's increasing. [ laughter ] >> a theshl thing, i don't understand why. >> jimmy: is your wife beth around? >> my wife beth is fantastic, i have a fabulous sex life. [ cheers and applause ] there she is. there she is. >> jimmy: there she is. >> that poor woman. only in america. you know, people say, why go into radio? it's the only way i'd ever get near a woman like that. >> jimmy: or even near a woman. >> or near a woman for that matter. no, i love her very much. >> jimmy: would you be interested in a scenario where beth does some kind of babysitting? >> no, i don't want any of that. i don't want any weirdness. i'm not into anything pervc in
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my life. i've got three daughters. i'm trying to be an upstanding guy. what's so funny? i'm trying to make them proud. >> jimmy: are they proud? >> of course they're proud, who wouldn't be proud of this? [ cheers and applause ] are you crazy? >> jimmy: right. >> i was fart man at the mtv awards. >> you're still fart man in all of our hearts. >> thank you very much. i want to wish you luck. i can sense things are ending. dime for cardi b. >> jimmy: things are ending. i appreciate you being here. i think your last performance on the show was a great performance -- >> next year what are you going to ask me to do? >> jimmy: next year, yes, i'm going to ask you -- >> you should not, i'm begging you. >> jimmy: i should not ask you? should i tell you i'm coming to town? >> don't ask me, don't tell me, i'll continue to be your best friend. >> jimmy: i'll wear your underwear every night, put on your underwear and dave's tie and have a party by myself. >> you've got a beautiful audience here in brooklyn and
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everybody behave themselves. >> jimmy: we all appreciate you coming. howard stern, everybody. sirius xm radio. we'll be right back! [ "more more more" by th♪ more, more, more ♪ how do you like it ♪ how do you like it ♪ more, more, more ♪ how do you like it ♪ how do you like it ♪ how do you like it ♪ more, more, more
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the amazing new iphone 8 is at at&t... and we know you'll love it. because we know you want more. more great camera features and more power. and more than just unlimited data, we give you unlimited plans with hbo included for life. because you deserve more entertainment. and more spokespeople. talking like this, saying the word more. at&t. it's time for more. am i too close? i feel like i'm too close. get the iphone 8 and with all at&t unlimited plans, get hbo for life. only from at&t. with incredible flavors, like new nashville hot shrimp- crispy, spicy, and drizzled with sweet amber honey. plus the delicious classics you love, like garlic shrimp scampi. try all the shrimp you want, however you want 'em. but hurry, it ends soon.
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the autumn carved turkey is back for a limited time at subway. so much turkey. kyle, we talked about this. there's no monsters. but you said they'd be watching us all the time. no, no. no, honey, we meant that progressive would be protecting us 24/7. we just bundled home and auto and saved money. that's nothing to be afraid of. -but -- -good night, kyle. [ switch clicks, door closes ] ♪ i told you i was just checking the wiring in here, kyle. he's never like this. i think something's going on at school. -[ sighs ] -he's not engaging.
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>> dicky: music in brooklyn on "jimmy kimmel live" is brought to you by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: all right, it is music time. we have a special visitor from the bronx. here with the song "bodak yellow" cardi b! >> make some noise for cardi b! if you're at home turn the radios up, rocking for cardi b! ♪ said lil you can't with me if you wanted to ♪ ♪ these expensive these is red bottoms these is bloody shoes ♪ ♪ hit the store
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i can get 'em both i don't wanna choose ♪ ♪ and i'm quick cut a off so don't get comfortable look ♪ ♪ i don't dance now i make money moves say i don't gotta dance i make money move ♪ ♪ if i see you and i don't speak that means i don't with you ♪ ♪ i'm a boss you a worker i make bloody move ♪ ♪ now she say she gon do what to who let's find out and see ♪ ♪ cardi b you know where i'm at you know where i be ♪ ♪ you in the club just to party i'm there i get paid a fee ♪ ♪ i be in and out them banks so much i know they're tired of me ♪ ♪ honestly don't give a bout who ain't fond of me ♪s in six months what working as hard as me ♪ ♪ i don't bother don't let these ♪ they see pictures they say goals i'm who they tryna be ♪ ♪ look i might just chill in some bape ♪ ♪ i might just chill with your boo i might just feel on your babe ♪ ♪ my feel like a lake he wanna swim with his face i'm like okay ♪ ♪ i'll let him get what he want he buy me yves saint laurent ♪ ♪ and the new whip when i go fast as a horse i got the trunk in the front ♪ ♪ i'm the hottest
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in the street know you prolly heard of me ♪ ♪ got a bag and fixed my teeth know it ain't cheap ♪ ♪ and i pay my mama bills i ain't got no time to chill be mad at me ♪ ♪ their baby father run a bill ♪ ♪ said lil you can't with me if you wanted to these expensive ♪ ♪ these is red bottoms these is bloody shoes hit the store i can get em both ♪ ♪ i don't wanna choose and i'm quick cut a off so don't get comfortable look ♪ ♪ i don't dance now i make money moves say i don't gotta dance i make money move ♪ ♪ if i see you and i don't speak that means i don't with you ♪ ♪ i'm a boss you a worker i make bloody moves ♪ ♪ if you a you get popped you a groupie you a opp ♪ ♪ don't you come around my way you can't hang around my block ♪ ♪ and i just checked my accounts turns out i'm rich i'm rich i'm rich ♪ ♪ i put my hand above my hip i bet you dip he dip she dip ♪
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♪ i say i get the money and go this is hot like a stove ♪ ♪ my glitter as gold tell that lil play her role i just a-rove in a rolls i just came up in a wraith ♪ ♪ i need to fill up the tank no i need to fill up the safe ♪ ♪ i need to let all these know that none of their is safe ♪ ♪ i go to dinner and steak only the real can relate i used to live in the p's ♪ ♪ now it's a crib with a gate rollie got charms look like frosted flakes ♪ ♪ had to let these know just in case these ♪ i just run and check the mail another check from mona scott ♪ ♪ said lil you can't with me if you wanted to ♪ ♪ these expensive these is red bottoms these is bloody shoes ♪ ♪ hit the store i can get 'em both i don't wanna choose ♪ ♪ and i'm quick cut a off so don't get comfortable look ♪ ♪ i don't dance now i make money moves say i don't gotta dance i make money move ♪ ♪ if i see you and i don't speak that means i don't with you ♪ ♪ i'm a boss you a worker
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i make bloody move ♪ >> what's up cardi b! >> what's happening with you? [ cheers and applause ] don't i look like a piece of meatloaf? >> dicky: music in brooklyn on "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. we can now repair complex at saortic aneurysmsare, without invasive surgery. if we can do that, imagine what we can do for varicose veins. and if we can precisely treat eye cancer with minimal damage to the rest of the eye, imagine what we can do for glaucoma, even cataracts. if we can use dna to diagnose the rarest of diseases, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all.
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imagine what we can do for you. jack: this ridiculously long table in the middle of nowhere? jack: to invite all my friends in the industry to try this. jack: fast food's first ever ribeye burger. jack: made with 100% ribeye beef, grilled onions, a red wine glaze and creamy havarti cheese. jack: ahh, here comes the competition now. jack: and of course, since they work for my competitors, i've obscured their identities jack: except for this guy. jack: he is so screwed. jack: try my new havarti & grilled onion and all-american ribeye burgers.
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>> jimmy: how about that cardi b, that was very well done. >> oh, well thank you very much, baby. >> jimmy: now didn't you guys practice that? or was that totally off the cuff? >> well, you know, we did this performance like a hundred times. i think we got it down pat now, you know what i'm saying? if. >> jimmy: i know what you're saying. the hometown crowd loved it. thank you, cardi b. thank you howard stern. thanks to mr. paul shaffer, mike piazza, thank you. apologies to matt damon, we did run out of time for him. "nightline" is next, thanks for watching, good night!
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, brave women everywhere breaking their silence about sexual assault, and now the olympic gold medalist michaela maroney saying me too, claiming she was sexually abused by her team usa doctor for years, pointing to a man now in prison for other sex crimes and facing accusations from over 100 young women. former gymnastics stars speaking out. >> he was in my room late at night, giving me treatment in my own bed. plus, paradise lost. >> people are short of food, they're short of electricity. >> we are on the ground in dominica, the caribbean country that suffered the highest death toll per capita in hurricane maria. >> this used to be what you'd ca

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