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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  November 16, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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>> i'm ama dates. for all of us. >> thanks for being dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- melissa mccarthy, dennis miller, and music from the milk carton kids. and now, for the most part, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hello, thank you. very nice. thank you. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. very kind. i'll tell you something -- i apologize for my voice. i don't know about you, but -- [ cheers ]
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that's very kind. i am exhausted. i was up so late last night watching the results of the election. that's how you know the tension in this country is high. i'm up at 4:00 in the morning going, when the hell are they going to announce who won montana senate? [ laughter ] i watched a lot of cable news last night and i saw all manner of interesting things, starting with nancy pelosi, who will presumably return as speaker after the democrats retook the house. last night nancy pelosi gave what turned out to be a most unusual victory speech. >> it's about stopping the gop and mitch mcconnell's assaults on medicare, medicaid, the affordable care act, the health care of 130 million americans living with pre-existing medical conditions.s heart pre-existing medical conditions! >> jimmy: oh, okay. when i say dia, you say betes! dia -- betes! dia -- betes!
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outside of that it was a solid night for democrats. like a college dropout moving back in with mom and dad, they regained control of the house. it wasn't exactly a blue wave so much as it was a red flush. that was in the house. in the senate it was a strong night for republicans and mitch mcconnell partied well into the wee hours of the morning. [ gasping sound ] >> jimmy: there he is. he ate two heads of lettuce and passed out. democrats get the house, republicans keep the senate. which means a divided government, which means more gridlock in washington, which is usually a bad thing. now i find myself actually rooting for congress to get nothing done. one of the most reserve more popular candidates was beto o'rourke, the texas newcomer -- [ cheers and applause ] who lost his race to ted cruz. but won the award for outstanding expletive in a concession speech. >> not a dime from a single pac. all people all the time. in every single part of texas.
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all of you showing the country how you do this. i'm so [ bleep ] proud of you guys. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: about two minutes after beto lost, people started running him for president. which i like beto, i could see his appeal. but everyone needs to calm down. he just lost to ted cruz, the least-charismatic man on the planet. [ laughter ] donald trump crushed ted cruz. as far as running for the president, beto's not off to a roaring start. hey this guy just lost, let's put our money on him! [ laughter ] this is good too. this is from indiana's newly elected senator, mike braun. >> we all need to -- we all believe that we've got to put some type of security on our southern border. we all know that we need to start balancing our budgets. it's just going to take i think guys and ladies like me that have done things in the real world, or else we're not going to solve those problems. >> jimmy: wait a minute. that's a lady? [ laughter ]
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no, i don't -- i hate to be shallow, but she's not very pretty. [ laughter ] and of course, no election would be complete without a recount in florida. bill nelson, the democrat, is calling for a recount in the senate race. in georgia, stacey abrams has yet to concede the race for governor. she's hoping for a runoff against brian kemp. unfortunately for her, brian kemp also happens to be the georgia secretary of state. which means he's in charge of overseeing his own election. that must be nice. after careful consideration, i rule in favor of me. [ laughter ] you know, yesterday my office, watching cnn with the sound off, i started playing a game. when they put the pictures of the candidates up on the screen side by side, we guessed which one was the republican, which was the democrat. it's not as easy as you might think. you want to try it? all right, here we go. guess the candidate's party. it's a party game, all right? first up, all right, here, which one is the republican? here or here? i don't know right, i'm not a weatherman.
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is this the republican? let's find out. that is the republican. you see, it's hard. which one is the democrat? is this the democrat? let's find out. that's the republican. all right. next, which one is the republican? is this the republican? all right. yes, it is. well, all right. wow, you're bad at this. [ laughter ] which one is the democrat? is this the democrat? that is right, that is the democrat. next, which is the republican? is this the republican? let's see. yes, that's correct. and i think we have one more. which is the democrat here? is this the democrat? that is right, that's jackie rosen, she won the senate in nevada. this is the most republican-looking man in the history of the world. [ laughter ] you know, despite losing control of the house, our president took a victory lap last night.
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he called the results very close to a complete victory for republicans. yes. in the same way the world series was very close to complete victory for the dodgers. [ laughter ] i mean, other than games one, two, four, and five, they crushed it, they won. trump did some heavy-duty tweeting with those adorable little orange nubs of his. this is interesting. look at the times on these tweets. this one, 1:27 a.m. next one, 1:49 a.m. and then next one, 6:21 a.m. it's like he tweeted himself unconscious. [ laughter ] then woke up four hours later and went right back at it. the president was in a foul and spiteful way this morning. his first order of business? calling out all the republican losers who didn't embrace him. >> you had some that decided to, let's stay away. let's stay away. they did very poorly. i'm not sure that i should be happy or sad. but i feel just fine about it. carlos cubela. mike kofman.
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too bad, mike. mia love gave me no love. and she lost. too bad. sorry about that, mia. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he is an absolute child. he really is. [ laughter ] trump also got in a nasty back and forth with jim acosta of cnn that at times felt like it might turn into a wrestling match. >> they're hundreds and hundreds of miles away, that's not an invasion -- >> honestly, i think you should let me run the country, you run cnn. if you did it well, your ratings would be much better -- >> mr. president, if i may ask -- >> that's enough, that's enough. >> mr. president -- >> that's enough. >> the other folks -- >> that's enough. >> pardon me, ma'am -- mr. president -- >> that's enough. >> may i ask on the russia investigation, are you concerned that you may have -- >> i'm not concerned about anything with an investigation because it's a hoax. that's enough, put down the mike. >> mr. president, are you worried about indictments coming down in this investigation?
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mr. president? >> i tell you what, cnn should be ashamed of itself, having you working for them. you are a rude, terrible person. you shouldn't be working for cnn. go ahead. >> i think that's -- >> you're a very rude person, the way you treat sarah huckabee is horrible. the way you treat other people are horrible. you shouldn't treat people that way. go ahead, peter. >> in jim's defense, i traveled with him, he's a diligent reporter who busts his butt -- >> i'm not a big fan of yours either, to be honest. >> let me ask you a question if i can -- >> you aren't the best. >> jimmy: did somebody not get his snickers bar this morning? [ laughter ] if donald trump ever ends up on money, it should be a sockful of nickels he used to beat people with. [ laughter ] despite claiming victory the president was in quite a mood and he wasn't just mad at jim acosta, he lashed out at just about everybody. >> sit down, please. sit down. i didn't call you. i didn't call you. i didn't call you. no. you rudely interrupted him. i don't know why you'd say that,
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such a racist question. excuse me. excuse me. would you please sit down. please go ahead. sit down, please. thank you very much. >> why are you pitting americans against one another? >> peter, are you trying to be him? go ahead. >> it's unfair to the country -- >> give him the mike, please, i've answered the question. excuse me. you are not called on. no, that's enough. what's your next question? go ahead. come on, let's go. more exciting question than that, please. quiet. quiet. quiet. go ahead. what kind of a question is that? >> just asking, just curious -- >> a comedian here. who are you from? >> yahoo! news. >> yahoo!? good, i hope they're doing well. see, when you talk about division, it's people like this. >> jimmy: i hope someone had the sense to hide the nuclear button today. [ laughter ] put it under a cup or something. and on top of all this, trump fired jeff sessions today. in the wake of democrats winning the house and the threat of s&ps
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searches for trump's records hovering over his beautiful head, sessions was forced to resign as attorney general this morning. that's him exiting the building, leaving the department of justice to go back to live in his hollow tree. [ laughter ] in a letter to the president, sessions wrote, at your request i am submitting my resignation, which is a formal way of saying, f-u for firing me. and in the letter he said, he operated with integrity and strove to uphold the rule of law. and trump was like, yeah, why do you think i fired you? [ laughter ] i didn't want that. by the way, trump didn't even fire him, he had his chief of staff, john kelly, do it. you know, the one and only thing trump is good at is firing people. [ laughter ] and he can't even do that, it's amazing. of course the president was unhappy with sessions for recusing himself in the russia investigation. you know how it goes. you recuse, you lose, right, jeff? [ laughter ]
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so now they passed over rod rosenstein, the deputy attorney general, they put a guy in there, this guy wrote an op-ed critical of the mueller investigation. that man will now be overseeing the mueller investigation. okay, bob mueller, time to snort some adderall and get that report done asap, you understand? [ cheers and applause ] we've waited long enough. here in california, we have a new governor. governor-elect gavin newsom is our new governor. he was lieutenant governor, he was mayor of san francisco. i don't know how i didn't know this until today, but gavin newsom was also once married to former fox news host kimberly guilfoyle. they posed for this fantastic photograph together. [ laughter ] for "harper's bazaar" magazine. looks like she just got voted off "dancing with the stars." now the reason this is particularly interesting, besides the fact that he's ultra-liberal and she's some kind of a fox bot, is because kimberly guilfoyle is currently dating none other than djtj, donald trump. she must have a thing for slicked-back hair. what lady doesn't, i guess.
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but you know what i'm saying. back to the election. it was a historic day up and down the ballot. in colorado, jared pullis becomes the first openly gay man to become governor of that state. [ cheers and applause ] i tell you something, if i was governor, my first official act would be to order that homophobic baker to make a cake for my victory party. [ laughter ] nationally, 96 women were elected to the house of representatives. which -- [ cheers and applause ] 96. that is obviously a record number, 96. it's also donald and melania's favorite sexual position. [ rim shot ] think about it. [ laughter ] there were so many historic firsts last night. the first native american lesbian elected to congress. the first muslim women elected to congress. and guess what? mike pence is going to have to swear them all in. [ cheers and applause ]
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actually, there were two native american women elected to office. one of them is sharise davids. and if you're donald trump, sharise davids is your worst nightmare. a lesbian native american former mma fighter who's been watching you call elizabeth warren pocahontas for two years now and could beat your ass if she wanted to. [ laughter ] in nevada another bit of history. in nevada they elected the first dead brothel owner to the state legislature. for real. what a time to be alive, right? [ laughter ] or dead, i guess. dennis hoff, who is kind of a famous guy. he owned multiple infamous brothels, including the bunny ranch. won a spot in the nevada state assembly, despite the fact that he died last month. you know, sometimes the weekend at bernie's movies write themselves. [ laughter ] this district is so republican that rather than a democrat, they voted for a horny ghost. [ laughter ] it must be a weird feeling to lose an election to a dead pimp.
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we tracked down dennis hoff's opponent, lisa romanoff, an educator, assistant principal at a school in las vegas, joining us live via cisco. hello, lisa, how are you? [ cheers and applause ] >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: lisa, first of all, i'm sorry for your loss. i would imagine it came as quite a shock. >> yes and no. we kind of expected, after he passed, it kind of messed up the campaign. >> jimmy: yeah. especially for him, really. [ laughter ] >> well, he wasn't doing a great job, but you know. >> jimmy: when that happened, did you feel like maybe you had it in the bag? >> no. actually, when we found that out, a lot of republicans had said they would support us because they in no way wanted him up in the legislature. >> jimmy: i see. >> so when he died, we knew immediately that we would have a lot of republicans jumping ship. >> jimmy: so his death was the key to his victory. >> absolutely. and crazy as that sounds, yes. >> jimmy: did you try a poster that said "i'm not dead" or something like that? [ laughter ]
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>> we didn't. you know, once he died, it was pretty difficult. a lot of our literature we could no longer use. it's in bad taste to put up stuff like this. >> jimmy: right. [ laughter ] >> so we had to stop the presses. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, lisa. better luck next time. one more thing, i want to congratulate katie hill, who was elected to congress not far from here in california's 25th district. not only did she win, katie unwittingly provided us with last night's "midterm election unintentional joke of the day." >> over and over again, over the last few days, i've had people who have said thank you for sending your knockers to my door. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you, katie. tonight on the show, we have music from the milk carton kids. dennis miller is here. and we'll be right back with melissa mccarthy. a once-in-five hundred year storm
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there. tonight, you know him from snl and mnf. he has a new comedy special called "fake news, real jokes." dennis miller is here. [ cheers and applause ] then, this is their latest album. it's called "all the things that i did and all the things that i didn't do." the milk carton kids from the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, anthony anderson and sebastian stan will join us, and we'll have music from jeff goldblum featuring haley reinhardt. please join us for that too. our first guest tonight is an oscar-nominated movie star, two-time emmy winner and many-time spicer. her new movie is the critically-acclaimed real-life story, "can you ever forgive me?" it's in theatres now. please say hello to melissa mccarthy. [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ >> jimmy: how are you? >> good. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much! >> jimmy: now i realize i'm being rude. i'm not ogling. i'm looking at the cats. those are cats. >> my dazzling of cats. >> jimmy: that is quite a vest. >> thank you. >> jimmy: did debbie reynolds have an estate sale? [ laughter ] >> oh, god. i don't know the lineage, but if that -- i bought it off of etsy from a lovely woman in columbus, ohio. >> jimmy: wow. >> i'm going to start lying and saying, debbie reynolds' estate gave to it me from columbus, ohio. >> jimmy: tell people you paid $27,000 for it, it's swarovski. are you an etsy regular? do you like etsy?
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>> i got a bit of a problem with etsy. >> jimmy: do you really? [ laughter ] >> yeah. like it's a little -- like at some point, you know ben, my lovely husband. >> jimmy: ben falcone. >> very mellow, lovely guy. it's the only thing he's ever really been like, that's probably enough. >> jimmy: oh, really. [ laughter ] >> every day, it's a box from poland! and i have no idea. i'm like, it's a brass bull! what do we do with it? >> jimmy: how do you find the stuff? are you specifically looking for a brass bull? >> sometimes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sometimes, yes. >> and i just recently reviewed my history. >> jimmy: you did? >> it's truly like what they make like on a crime network, it's like that means i'm crazy. >> jimmy: what's in there? >> so many umbrella stands. >> jimmy: what? >> weird like old -- >> jimmy: umbrella stands? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you have a lot of them? >> there's like four, like an owl! one looks like a spanish conquistador's boot. that's hilarious!
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> lots of decanters. lots of rugs. >> jimmy: you have to be careful with umbrella stands. people come to your house, they see that you have more than one umbrella stand, they're going to think, she collects umbrella stands, this could be a great thing to get her. >> that would be great! >> jimmy: oh, you're okay with that. >> i got a letter from customs, they wanted to know what my involvement was with morocco. [ laughter ] and i was like, oh! >> jimmy: what is your involvement with morocco? >> none of ya business. [ laughter ] no, we were moving into a house and i just was like, look at the rugs! look at the rugs! and it was like 2:30 in the morning. then like eight rugs would show s like, i don't remember that one at all. [ laughter ] i get like an etsy blackout. but then i get it and i'm actually really delighted. it sounds like i'm a crazy hoarder. i'm not! >> jimmy: not yet you are,
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you're too young to be a hoarder. in about 20 years you will be a hoarder. >> ben's like, where are you? boxes. >> jimmy: behind the umbrella stands! did you vote yesterday? >> i did. >> jimmy: i would love it if you said, no, i did not. i don't know. >> an election? i had to vote. >> jimmy: did you go in person and do it? >> yes, what do i, send my doppel -- >> jimmy: i mailed mine. >> i like to go. i like to go, i like to be a part of it, even though it makes me -- i get strangely nervous. >> jimmy: i feel the same way. >> do you? >> jimmy: i feel like i'm going to punch the wrong hole. >> i feel i'm going to put in everything i don't want. a little bit like when a cop passes you and you're like, oh, god. and i don't know why that happens. it's not like i have a trunkload of cocaine. [ laughter ] i don't know why i get weirdly nervous when a police officer passes and then i do -- like i get weirder so i do look suspicious. >> jimmy: i think it means you were raised well. like with kind of a fear of -- a healthy amount of fear. >> raised by nuns. >> jimmy: it was the nuns that
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did it to you for sure. >> i think i have a little flashback to, voting might be the standardized test where you had to -- >> jimmy: fill in the things. >> your number 2, and somebody's like, you used number 1, you got them all wrong. what? i thought number 2 was a thing we called them, i didn't know that there's a number 2. >> jimmy: oh, yes. 2 1/2. i've heard tale you can get 3 on etsy if you look hard enough. [ laughter ] >> oh, god. i especially get nervous putting it in. like i don't know why. there's a very nice man, rio vista elementary school. >> jimmy: oh, really. >> yes, i was. putting it into the machine, which like -- it's not like i've only done it once. i've done this -- i'm almost 30. [ laughter ] but every time i go to put it into the machine i'm like, i don't know, do i -- i don't want to -- do i -- he's like, just put it in, top side. i'm like, this top? this top or that top? he's like, there's only one top.
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clearly there's a top and i know there's a top, yet i'm like, which top, which top? then i got really rattled about face down, face up? he was like, just exactly how you're holding it, put it in. i was like, so like that? [ laughter ] i flipped it and inverted it. he was like, no, you had it right. i put it back to the right way. >> jimmy: it's like you're making a pancake. >> i made a move for it, he was like, no, no, no, no! i turned it again. he was like, turn it back. like it took a really weird -- and i got like flushed. i'm sure he's like, there was this batty lady. >> jimmy: i bet you every single person that came through did that same thing. because if you really know how to do it, it means you've probably been voting illegally over and over again. [ laughter ] those are the people you've got to -- that i want them to watch out for, the ones who seem to e ou alle rely at they're doin neous abou>> jimmy: we got russr audience, we have to be really careful. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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>> friendly russians. >> jimmy: yes. melissa mccarthy is here. the movie is called "can you ever forgive me?" we'll see a little of that when we come back. ♪ ♪ ♪ darling, tell me all the ways, tell me all the ways ♪
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$414. >> that's more than i just made. >> what? >> i just sold a little coke. >> right here? >> some fool. just left. >> keep me away from your seedy dealings. >> hello, ladies. >> i resent that. >> may i ask how sweet your silver roll is? >> perfect. if you don't like it, i'll eat it. >> oh! >> yeah, i'll have a coffee. >> jimmy: that is melissa mccarthy in "can you ever forgive me?" [ cheers and applause ] by the way, you were fantastic. really, you did an amazing job. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i don't know if you know, you have 100% on rotten tomatoes with the top critics. >> what?
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's not a donald trump statistic, that's actually from -- that's the information we read on the site. >> so it's factual. that's unusual. >> jimmy: a funny moment. it's mostly dramatic, this film. >> it is. >> jimmy: based on a true story. >> it is, it's based on lee israel, a biography writer, had done well for herself for the '70s and '80s, then fell on hard times and was told she's obsolete. she's also a very prickly, difficult person. caustic is kind of a gentle -- >> jimmy: insulated, surrounded by -- what was she, she had a cat, really. >> a cat. it's thematic, guys. >> jimmy: the cat's not a person but the cat is the only thing she really -- >> kind of like the only thing she loved, probably the only thing that loved her back. >> jimmy: it's a crazy story. of how she made money. >> she couldn't write anymore. so she started forging letters
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from like dorothy parker, noel coward, all these amazing writers. she wasn't making a lot from it but she sold 400-some over the course of a year, was selling them to antiquities and book dealers, then got caught by the fbi and was convicted. >> jimmy: she would match up the writing? >> she all these different typewriters, it became this whole thing. she really was an amazing writer. >> jimmy: she was living in new york at that time. this happened in the '90s. >> when she falls on hard times is in the '90s. i felt like i was a little disappointed i didn't know who she was, because i was in new york in the '90s, '96, '97. >> jimmy: what was going on with you at that time? >> wearing cat vests. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's before etsy, how did you get hold of them? >> i went right to the source. >> jimmy: break into people's homes, yeah. >> i was -- god, working -- always probably three jobs. just like scrapping so much. like we should not have been living there. i had no money.
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i was like, i can get credit cards! you didn't have to back it up. at 20 i was like, this is amazing! they just give me cards! no thought about like you have to pay them back. >> jimmy: that is true. >> no cash, just go out. >> jimmy: would your parents bail you out? >> they did. >> jimmy: how are your parents doing? >> they're so good. >> jimmy: i have a picture. i'd love you to tell the story before i show it. >> oh, god. my parents came up to new york. mike and sandy. for the premiere of "can you ever forgive me?" you know, they've met people. they're like, that's neat. when i said i was doing your show, they're like, does jimmy need us to come back? i'm like, easy, easy, guys. >> jimmy: you're welcome any time, they are welcome. >> so they are very sweet. so they don't get crazy about anybody. judge judy was at our premiere. and my parents went bat [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] i'm not kidding. my dad was like, oh my god! oh my god! judge -- judge -- judge judy,
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judy! and my mom was like, oh! look at the grip of death. [ laughter ] it looks like my mom's maybe holding a gun on her in the back. [ laughter ] they were so -- look at how happy she is. look at that. by the way, judge judy is awesome. >> jimmy: she is very nice, judge judy. >> she's such a hoot. >> jimmy: your mother's about to twist her into a balloon animal. [ laughter ] >> oh my god. i was like, let judge judy go! let her go! my other friend that never cares who's in the room, he lost his mind. >> jimmy: for judge judy? >> yes, my friend michael, like shoved me aside and went at her. a big, tall guy. i was like, don't scare her. she was fine. >> jimmy: you can't scare judge judy. >> you cannot. >> jimmy: god help anybody that takes on judge judy. it's great to see you. please give your parents my best. >> i will, i will. >> jimmy: melissa mccarthy. the movie is called "can you
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ever forgive me?" it's in theaters now. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ♪ . (man) hey portal, call rory. happy birthday! (woman) awww, you remembered! (man) of course i remembered, you're my sister.
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it's time for "dumb moments in election history." in 1948, "the chicago daily tribune" accidentally reported, dewey defeats truman. stop the presses?
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1986, lajitas, texas, elected as mayor a beer-drinking goat. baaaad choice! in 2016, americans elected a reality tv show host with a trail of failed casinos to the office of president of the united states. whoops! >> bing, bing, bong, bong -- >> that was a dumb moment in election history. [ cheers and applause ] applause ] hurry in to old navy and get forty percent off your entire purchase, or fifty percent off when you use or open an old navy card. ♪ need it now? buy online and pickup in-store today. that's forty percent off your entire purchase, f or open an old navy card. ends soon, only at old navy. i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill.
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i'm on the pill, too. but it's not birth control. it's truvada for prep®, a once-daily prescription medicine for adults that when taken every day along with using safer sex practices, can help lower my chances of getting hiv through sex. i use condoms. but i talked to my doctor about doing more. he said that because i had a higher chance of getting hiv through sex, truvada for prep could be an option for me. she also told me that truvada alone may not keep me from getting hiv. and it does not prevent other stis or pregnancy. you must be hiv-negative to take truvada for prep. so you need to get tested for hiv immediately before, and at least every 3 months, while taking truvada. i wanted to know about all of my prevention options, so i asked my doctor about truvada for prep. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. they may do more tests to confirm you are still hiv negative. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, kidney failure, and bone problems, which may lead to fractures. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid
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and liver problems. tell your doctor about all the medicines you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney, bone, or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking truvada without talking to your doctor. common side effects include stomach pain, headache, and weight loss. ask your doctor about your risk of getting hiv and if truvada for prep may be right for you. i wanted to do more. that's why i'm on that pill. truvada for prep. ♪ goodni[phone ringing]dnight oh, no, no, no, no... go back to bed... take your marks... you got this, bud! [phone ringing] oh, gosh! that is my phone... [phone ringing] oh, my phone's ringin'... [phone ringing] ♪ [phone ringing] oh my goodness gracious! that's embarrassing. [phone ringing] [phone ringing] thud! [phone ringing] come on! [phone ringing] [phone dinging] [silence] ♪
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>> jimmy: still to come, music from the milk carton kids. you know our next guest from the original fake news, weekend update on snl, which he anchored for six years. he has a new standup comedy special called "fake news, real jokes" available on amazon, itunes and other digital platforms now. please welcome dennis miller. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: so stylish.
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>> thanks. she was sweet enough to keep this. >> jimmy: that wasn't a coincidence. how about that. yes, get that back to etsy immediately. how are you doing? >> jimmy, where's the russian kid and the french guy? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's right in the front. a french young woman -- a russian gentleman -- >> you guys going to do a little colluding tonight? [ laughter ] this is your first time on the show. which is kind of weird. >> 14 years, jimmy. >> jimmy: 16, 16. >> 16. sorry. >> jimmy: yeah. you can't just cut two years out. two years are a lot of years. >> you look so smooth out there, brother, good for you. >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i have known your brother jimmy for a long time. your brother is a very successful manager of comedians. >> he told me you and he send each other frozen sandwiches or something? >> jimmy: that is true. >> explain. i know what he sends from our end is our favorite hoagie from pittsburgh. >> jimmy: danny's, that's right, that's what he sent me.
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>> what do you send back to him? >> i sent him as i recall a z-man sandwich from oklahoma joe's in kansas city, which is now called joe's of kansas city. but it was -- we started talking about sandwiches. and then the exchange program. >> you know him better than me, i've never talked sandwiches with him and he's my brother. it strikes me as odd in the times we live. it's so troubled. you can actually still send a torpedo-shaped object through the mail? >> jimmy: yes, you can. >> and get it through to somebody else? >> jimmy: yes, absolutely. >> i assume it comes in cold to your security room, and after they x-ray it it's heated? >> jimmy: well, no, you'd be surprised. sometimes i'm so hungry i eat it frozen. [ laughter ] did you vote yesterday? i know you're very involved with politics. >> that's the odd thing. i probably pay -- i make jokes off politics. i worked on o'reilley for years. he has a political show. it's a place where i hung my hat. left to my own devices i'm not mad for politics. >> jimmy: so you've been pushed into that a little bit? >> from a career standpoint. once you're a "weekend update"
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anchor you make jokes about the current events. bill maher has gone this route too. left to my own devices. i went to vote yesterday and i won't even -- i live in a surf town and they don't even give you the sticker. you have to get "i voted" tattooed above your pubic mound. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they're tattooing people? >> it's a hell of a thing. >> jimmy: i have to tell you something. you and i have met before. >> yeah. >> jimmy: a couple of times. and you know, i was always a big fan of yours. and people, though, today are like, what? i think people get upset because you're conservative. because you're a comedian. i think it's weird for a comedian to be conservative. unusual, i should say. they say, what happened to you? what did happen to you, dennis? [ laughter ] >> i'm socially liberal as anybody. >> jimmy: are you? >> when i look at -- i was watching backstage. this is how interesting things are. when i watch trump, he doesn't rankle me like he rankles people
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on your side. there are days he's a buffoon. there are days i can't believe the stuff he says. today when i watch that thing, i kind of laugh. i watch pelosi and she drives me batty. >> jimmy: interesting. >> i know on your side, i think pelosi's kind of acceptable and she says stuff like that, that drives me more crazy. all i know is this. i've met so many nice people, most of my dearest friends in the world are liberals. i refuse to go through life defining who i'm going to be friends with, who i'm going to love, who i'm going to hang with from a "d" or "r" after people's names. when i look at socially liberal, that's when i don't dig what the conservatives do, they come off like the town elders from "footloose" and that's a drag to me. [ laughter ] i look at liberals sometimes, i think liberalism's like a nude beach, it sounds good till you get there. [ laughter and applause ] then there's a lot of kankles and misspelled tattoos. [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: i want to members your -- mention your special. it is very funny. i'm watching this special and laughing. then we come to this. >> one thing i don't watch anymore is the oscars. instead of watching the oscars this year, i kayaked solo across the pacific with a rabid raccoon in my lap. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh. i hosted the oscars. [ laughter ] >> jimmy, honey, baby. let me finish. listen. you get show business. and i like the way that you alternatingly, like marty, our good friend marty short, take it seriously when it deserves it, you piss on it when it deserves that too. after you finish their monologue, i think they take themselves way too serious. >> jimmy: of course. >> as much as i'd like to stick around for two hours and see what the associate sound editor on "thor: ragnarok," the way he wants me to vote, i can't do it.
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it's just gotten too heavy for me. >> jimmy: you actually would be surprised, he's actually quite conservative. [ laughter ] >> we met at marty short's house. >> jimmy: that's right. >> we had eight male comedians having dinner together. it was like "the real housewives of penistown reunion." [ laughter ] like the freemasons with better grudges. >> jimmy: yeah, that was a fun night, actually. >> you would think it would be -- you'd get eight male comedians together at a dinner table would be like monkeys fighting over a premise with fondue forks. but it was actually rather polite and informative. i met you and your baby had just -- >> jimmy: we'd just had that issue. it was so much fun. in a way you were like the mayor of penistown. martin short was kind of like the governor or president of penistown. it was his town we were in. >> it was gene levy. >> jimmy: right. >> tom hanks. was hanks there? >> jimmy: he showed up. >> conan o'brien. andy samberg. a kid named nick kroll.
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you, i, john mullany. i'm telling you, folks, we had to have a 24/7 heimlich person on. as we ate -- it was the funniest table i've ever sat at. >> jimmy: it was a lot of fun and you were the funniest one at the table. i think it's a great message is that, comedy is stronger than politics, folks. [ cheers and applause ] [ gong ] thank you, jeff. oh, jeff's on vacation. anyway. it was great. >> thanks, brother. >> jimmy: your special is very funny. "fake news, real jokes" is downloadable now and you can see dennis on tour with mark steyn february 22nd in reading, pennsylvania, and february 23rd in syracuse. we'll be back with the milk carton kids! >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel bye. the best or nothing. st or nothing.
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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank melissa mccarthy and dennis miller. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next. but first, this is their album "all the things that i did and all the things that i didn't do."
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here with the song "younger years" - the milk carton kids! ♪ ♪ ♪ above the plains of omaha i think of all the suffering i saw the soaking ♪ ♪ of the pavement sprawled upon a land without a law everythin' i loved ♪ ♪ everythin' i found what i hoped for frightened and surrounded who else is there ♪ ♪ to turn to anymore oh i held out my arms oh i held out my
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arms held out my arms ♪ ♪ whoa ho ho oh there was a time i spoke the truth ♪ ♪ but my younger years were wasted on my youth somewhere i awakened with a crack to a pounding ♪ ♪ on the roof sure i heard the sound as evidence or better yet as proof ♪ ♪ i was naked as the day i was born 'neath the fullness of the moon oh i held out my arms ♪ ♪ oh i held out my heart held out my heart ♪ ♪ i held out my heart whoa ho ho oh ♪
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♪ ♪ far away i hear singing far away a song ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ the blinding light of morning came flooding through the window like a friend ♪ ♪ like a wild revelation like a shining invitation to attend spoken as a prayer ♪ ♪ unbroken by despair i make
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amends the love inside our hearts is the only kind ♪ ♪ of savior we've been sent oh i held out my heart ♪ ♪ i held out my heart held out my heart ♪ ♪ whoa ho ho oh ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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tonight -- >> heavenly father, please help us. >> paradise lost. a california town engulfed in flames as residents flee for their lives. a week of wildfires seem to turn the golden state into a hell's gate. this historic death toll now exceeding 70. californians just beginning to grapple with the devastation. but there's one california city that knows all too well what lies ahead -- santa rosa. tonight we bring you a story a year in the making. santa rosa's rebirth after enduring a history-making fire of their own. a community and its residents now rising. >> "nightline: out of the ashes" will be right back.


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