tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 2, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
good to see you.ome to " "e e "the late shohoerybyby. i'stephen colbert. it's been a huge week in erica. wu've seen catatlysmic events, decisions with unknown implicatnsnsor all our turechchces s ing g that cannot be u done becau monday onthe babaelor," ben said, "i womeme two! this hasever happened in the history of bachelordom. ben, what are thlnking? saying "i loou" is a sacred vow between e babaelor and one of 28 8 usebound tv concubinin. ( laughththt i can see whwhben's in this pickle. it's a real pckle, m m. theswomen a e spectacular. let's show a picture of them up ere, jum, can we? they're th lovelel i mean, it's like choosi between apples and oranges who've been@drinking whihi wineee
now, i i heaven forbid iad to choooo oetween laureneb. jojo, know whwhi'd pick. my wife. becacae that's's's s watch "the bachelor" with. becaeae i'm in this marriagfor the right reons. thank yoyo for sayg yes. but ben is struggling. just listen to this love-struck dummy. >> i'm in love wh h o women, d it complicates this bebeuse my hea is two differenplaces.riririnow, i have twtrueue love my heart is with lauren ananmy hpart isisith h jo. i'm scarar. i'm inineep trouble. i don't know what i'm going to do. >> stephen: i'm scar, too. ( lahter ) in 20 seasons,s, never thought mymyrt cldoot for twcocoesesntstatnc b.. hays y andndnd en. armeanto togeehehoror toxeight nt afr e show ends. ( laughter ) but my oereart, whwhh i ink is over hehe, says thatt jojo is the one thatou should ga ring thahathe show
break up, and then jo's the chelorette.. you know whaha you n'have to choose. i amamn ordained minister o the church of something. i cat remember. it was o oine. i'm ready to prononoce you man and wife and wife, a happily married thle. i'j' alreadytarted your weinregigiry. it's at crate & bael & anoerer bael. ( lahter ) but just as importantlyly justtt a a imrtantly, i am also in love with t vight's show. chee andpplause ) otot take it of. becaususus w up here i canan read t wornnhe thing.i gotta take thihin. so, wow! there you go! nowe'r'rngawjed. now we're engagad. (p(pughter ) ) fromhe "divergent" serieieie we've gogooctavia spence and i le her.
( cheers and applause ) frometflix's "fullerouse," 'v'vgot jotamos, bobobl saget, a a dave cliererer d they are my true heet. theyeyre m m heart. and we'll have a musical rformance from luciui! ( baba p pyingngoh, oh at right there, that's jon batiste and sy human. gyve tm your claps,adies anan gentntmen. say hello to them. theyabout to crank it , but before they do, one more thing: for the first time, a google self-drivivg car ed a trafafafaccidentn but they dididt h he toxchange inrmatatatwiwihe other dr becse google a aeady has all informqtion.
voted in supereruesday.y. making today " god, what have we done?" " dnesday. this is the road to o e white house. >> but, mr. trurur you're not ni per ( (`plause ) now, othe democratic side, the racecis bebwbwn frontrunner hillary clinton and the senator om t t great ste o oyour liberal friends' faceboofeed, bese sde bernie won vermont, oklahoma, minnnnota and... coloradododo ( eers and appppuse ) but seseetary clinlnn had a massive sweep everything elel. low turnout meant a rough night for sanders. evidently, a lot of people whoho
wnwny y p p pratitm ( lahter ) on-- on-- onhe r%rubli sidethe voterss spopo, andnd theyy said "blaahghahghghghghghghaaaah!!" ( applse ) and iiope i'm pronouncg that correctl( ( ( hter ) cause e naldldrumpominated super tuesday wiwi a seven-state win-boree. ananit looks like trump might have the nomination in the pm of his t tet, pinknkand. t biggt winner of last ninit's losers wased cruz, who managed totoake e me victories in texas, diet texas, and snow texas. ( ( ughter ) ( applplse ) thatatut cruz ahead of marco rubio, his t riviv in the race tothe final ndidatto pass through dond trump's digestive tract. rubio won only one state, mimiesotat which is reall
last night was not supposed to be my night. i never said sup ruesday was into bour r g g ght.@ >> s4sphenenyeah, he nev said super tueseswas going to be hihibig nighghgh j mememrmrio was just asking voters if theyeyanted totoee a a moe e is weekend.. when they said no,e said, oooo i didn't want to either. te movies. wow. we have so much in common. do youant to go to the movivi?" and wasn't the only canandatete to pererctct realize his goaoa not-winning g st night. so d d ohio governor rohn kakach. >> s ser tuesday was never ything tt wewever t ought was goininto be some great t tng for . tephen's never going toe great thing. u thght t wanand toin? it'sy 13 stes,an. let t ossqua cdates fit t4er who wins ananbecocos president. ( lahter@r kasich still has a clear path to e pesiden. just take the white house tour, sneak into the oval ficecelock the door and claimquatter's rights. it could work. 24 by presididt albe j.
( laughter ) ) it was a b bf-- - was brief but effective aintration. but here we are. trump. now, traditionally, en a c car nominee emerges, the party rallies s hind h. for stan, in 2012, they ralllld with: "s"se, mittt romney he'sresihaped!"" ( laughter ) but now, there is some doubt whether the party will ever be enthusstic abobo tmp. butv for allhose f frsrs that are ozt there, all o o t t were laid to rest las night by f frmer rivall chris rislie's joyous and enertic introduction of ump the victory ralal. good eveninon tonight, dond trtrp is the clear winner on n per tuesday.
tonight the beginning ofdold truru bringing thee rereblicanar tether foaa g victory nember. ( ( ughter ) ( applplpf ) >> s sepn: chris chrti nd of souous like thehe best man in. now w 's t t late to stop. "jennifer and mark-- what a couple, who did, a auay, j jt get married. ititappenene we a a saw@ it. it'seal.l. soso of u know thqt jennifer and i hbve a ait of history,ut thah's what it is... .isry. right, jen? we're st f fends now.
best man becau i am happy for you, and the groom,vunteed to pay o my campaign debts. cheere!" apauau ) hi, i'd like to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vovoit happensnsns often, u almoso geusus t tit.phononvoice: ma menu prprprtatii presentive. reprtati$ h g pufi.+ relalalae got th.r vo: ...takes some getting used to. joininhe nation. nationwide is on n uride rereesentative.. get 30% off est
band pying )( cheers and a alause ) >> steen: hey! lce back, everybod my first guest tight is an oscar-winng actress s o stars the n n installment of the "d"dergent" series, "allegiantnt ffctions kept chihigo aceful for a long time. >> well, i wououn't know about thqh becse i w w forced out of my faction. iave u u my life,e,y child,d, everytytng! u uersrsnd your anger, evelel, , o. but th wayay forward -- >> the w forward haseady ben. i saiai'd b alle, but i'm notandor a inot a mitty.y.y.y.y.y.ll le i will fhtht if iav to. ou see tse scars? iasn't b/bn ann mitty. and i canssure you i'i not raia to fightor what i
>> stephen: please welcome octavia spencer! bandndlalang ( cheers and appppuse ) >> stephen: i likehatat not eery guest dances o the wayy out. ank you very much. >> it's the only exercise i get somemes. ( laughterer. >> stephen: no i understand you'u' actually-- you're from the deep sth. you'rereromm aabama. >> montgomery, alababa. therereututut you don't have any cent, what gives? >> well, do when i w wrkrk i didid a lot of spepeh mpetitno to y for college. and youinind of eradicate any type of dialect. >> stephen: but when y y work you have an accent,ut in your reife youou doot. in m m reaea life -- >nly whennoou pretend to be somebody else you have your y y. it'srue.
>> stephen: oh, really? >> yea >> stephen: : m from charleston, sosoh c@arolina, and i i n'tteaeay haven accen either, unless get a littltl too o ch t t d dnk or i get really angry. then it comes out. >> yeah, i get reaeay-- y yahahah that-- thal would be t teforor meme t uger >>phi i n'nt o see.e.& t. i don't t nt t t te it. >> i get r rl southern.& yes, do. >> steteen: how do you go from ntgogory, allama, to winng an oscar? >> with a ltle nisan sentra.. >> stephen: did you drive yourselflfut? i did. i hav a telelvision becausese didn't know if f w w going to fifi a tv. television, $3,0000rnd laladry basketith all@f my othe s. >> stephen: w w. >>eah. steteen: and you didn't start off asn actress, did you? i d ddn't'ti waaed t be--- well, there are a few things i wantededed be. t i love broadcasournalism, d i loved jesesica savava, so growing up i woulddd alsoign
>teen: that's why y don't have an accent. you're imitating a newserson. you dononnow where@he hell thth're from. that thehoho parof t(e jojo when i i a kid i wanted too und likekekeohnn cculloror wpen i i wawch tv, i noticed onn tv theyeyould indicate someone was dumb by givivg them a soutthern acacntand i didn't think southern people were dumb but i didn't wanan t seem i was dumb by having one.. >> kind o lovov it whe people ink i'm done w wth aoututrn accentntecause then i turn into bentlock. sure.. stephen: youan hustle them. >> i can huse the with my wrkled suit, very coalmost bowish.. >> stephen: you started d f as a csting diictoror w would you cas y yourlf?? at would you cas yououelf in? >> = n%verer really thohoht abo at. >> stephenreally? >> my first job i got cast as a rsee and i, you know, became the, you know, eventual nununu all l e time. yeye, i was a nurse a lot( parely, i haveve a sweet facece
( cheers and applaus) >> steph: 's'se le. it f f f. w would ct?0 >> i would cast you as like-- ok i a commercial, i youu would be, like, the businessman with gas. ( laughter ) ( applse ) >> stephenenthatat type castin that typyp castinin >>o! ii mean -- >>o,o, n n no, no. you've been talking to my doctor. >> no! >> stephenenso i'm the one whs bloat and i had need the max, or sometng le tha i'ust come o ohe flight, m ying tot get m m m u u rental car and i'm gng oooooi i'm not sure iould act thatt . i'm m t sure i clact likik i had s. >> you would sell it because your face is so sweet a a "oh, theas." ye. >tephen: what do peopl-- whato o u l lk for when p pplpl come i i t t auditn? i have to tellououi wasas sn actor in chicaca for years andndnd years and years. i could not get arrested in a
because iiad t t write everything of my oww no one would cast me in anything. what do you look fhehe somemedydyomeses i there a a people out thehehe whol@an to cast, how ould they comomin a casting sessn? hink--s kindad thhere's-- eveveybody thinks de t box. anis isou're so susuessf because therere no one else like you. >> stephen: oh, so sweet. soweet.@. ( cheers and appau ) >> so -- yeah. >>%'ve got t to let them continue -- t tnk oside the boxox. >> thinkutside the boxox >> stephen: i'm not doi y yrscript. >> exactly. i'm ing to come inj and d my own monexplog this is what you're going to do on tv. i'm not going t to w tou wrot >tephen: thks f stopping b. there's the door.r. in the movieie "aegiant," there are t tse dferent-- action s. >> s sphe faction exactly. ere's dauntless, which isl likeke soldiers. >>es.( >> stephen: there's um--
we're all at te agglture peace andharmmy and love. >> stephen: there's candoror abniigation, like bl serv >p pubub s srvicic >> stephen: : drudite. whice would you naturally be put in, do you think? >> i-- i hohst iopthatavese tr i would pobably w wt to bebe amitiy. i probably would want to be amitiy. >> stephph: you don't wt to be dauntless, o o oe guys who canicick ass, a a takee nes gilike that iddea butomebeby, u knkn, hitsts mee, i m going t t cry. ( laughter ) so i w w likpomeone lse to be dauneses and i-- i i inkk about that. i w w w@w a lot on wch one i would actually be. >> stephen: we have o t te a lile break can you sttk around. >> steen: >> absolutely. s sphenen we'll be bck with
a bull rider is bold.now, a bull rider on a plane.... ...is boer t bn bold anif he jumpmpfrom that pne.. ...tt's bolder thaboldld thanold!! and if he jumps ilililting... ....utteteger bar..... ..n all iti0 crispetyruhety, ..eaeaery kl h!h!hohoererhan n er older anan and d d e eats it... honey! ...en when his mhe tells him not to... you'll s s your dinner! .that's... ..older thanolder than lder than boer than bold! boldld tn bold. crispetytycrunchety, anut-buttery butterfingerer
tt0wx#hi!!%4@-*!tt0w!tx#hi!!el@- &l tt0w!tx#hi!!ed@-@-( tt0w!tx#hi%!)8h-fzt tttt!tx#x#%!kzhz[5( ( 0w!t!thi%!n-h-.\$ tt0w!tx#%!0ph-0;< tt0w!tx#hi%!s"h-h-\ tt0w!tx#hi%!ueh-#+tt0w0wx#hi%!%!h-?)x ( cheers a applalae >>tephwe'rck w wh e e ve a taedctct spencer.r. anararin and a a a a erican wt did you maf the oscars s white campaiai did at resesate with you? did you think that was something thatx needed to be done? >> i understand t t rancor. t i-- i---- too make aaking alogy.y.y. >> s sphen: a baking analogy. >> to make a baking any. >> steph:: wasn'ture itasas bacoor baking. >> i'm from the south, soo it could veee bacon. but, okaka the oscarar are the cher on n eop of thehe cakeke ay, the cake i ielf is thehe prize. and therobleisisis i tink instead of beingngrwith the people who putthehe cherry on top of the cake, you should probably be more upsetthth t terocery
toll ofhe ingngedieies. puse without all of the ingredients, tre i i nott a asononlele expectatiothat y y&& can gethe cherry. ( applause ). stephen: and, if you're, you know, ifffv're gen intolerant, the metaphor doesn' wo a a. it t esn't work att all. >> stephen: ght. you al d anonoer thing. yoso wriri books. you ve series o younadul books called ran rhodes ninja detective. that's two of ththcoolest t ings you cangeth, ninia anddetective. whwhd yo s writing these and ehatas you motivation 'myscnd i re myststy bobob@as a cheld and it ke m m m e eaged withdingngnd i t tht i woo@ddant to do something to givee back to kids that helped me in a way. and this is bally the-- a loveetter all t t tngs they love-- ninjas, detectiviv, bruce lee, everythingng >> steteen: you t some advi.. you got somemedvice for thehe kids h h to doo somom honest-to-gogo kini of dective work in herev
>>ph: i have to tak issue with one of the things you have in here. tp i a in appeix "a" under "conduct a stakeout." ththgs y y'l need, food a water, cara, b bnocurs, tience, a notebook a pn. diaps, optial. ( laughter ) ststk up on diapers if you can't resist eatininand drinking on duty.. ( lauger ) so, thisiss so you don't h he to leave yourar >> kd of,, but these a a kids. so t ty're notoing to be i cars. they're going g g e in the bushes. ( ( ughter ). >> steteenthey're ds.. th're nonooing to o coucting a a stakeout, ,ut noow you got kids asking their parentntto get t tem diiers. this one is, "o icogno." >> yeseses >> s s: t ings you'lll ed-- this is diuises. ththgs you'lll need, rububr bands.. why? why do you need rubberer bands? >> change your hairstyle. >> stephenenoh, okay. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: hat. >>at. s sphen: scarf o o s satat,,
here one`e don't get,otton ba ( laugerereryou go toguee ursese as s rabbit? whwh's happeningng use i haveomom herer i have-- - haveee a jarf cotton balls. why do i need- what do i do with cotton balls? >> you sti i i yourrr mou to make your faceokuer. if ou'reeally thin you m mht someone thatou're heavr. ( ( ughter ) ( applause ) ( ughter ) ( applause ) >>ououenrecognizable! >> stephen: i don't know where
but i am so happy tl meet octavispenenr! i feelike i'm doi a-- a local thea produion o othe& goatheheer" " ghttow. applause )i'm supsed e a dedective ght n n n >> i h he n i i i! >> stephen: it's in your book! i d d't rececgnizeou.. laughter >> s ephenen"allegiant" opops march 18. octavia spencer, everybody!
( ( eers applause )) turns out t n juice doesn'n't cure pink eye. hi..how are e u u ing today? that's how i am. red head f fd. ultrrarere i collect these too. tsesere for my dog because he can never be whihi one hwant til etethoso.. icanxpresentsse ue c ch everyday card th no o nual fee. cashshack k purchases my only concern is that this is@where we put foo a dog's s ot i icleaner than a humam's mouth. that's what they say. is it? cleanethanany mouth. cked by the servive and security of amican expressss shop kohl's. friday nht os and turday ear bir.r. fothe w soma g for r fe clectn... sasato 60%ydyd for hid for her. and % r ds ven sonoma foromo. plus get klhs caca. kohl's..
switch to centurylink k istv,d get the samehereat chahaelss cable gives you, without havang t tdeal with cab. yes and? and...there's whololhome dvr. plus tons ofn demand optns you can watch whateter, whenever. yes and? why do y guys keep sayg that? it's the firststulul of improv. by s sing "y and," accepepepe reality dby our cedy partners, paul s, right, i owoq do you? feel like a hoywood inside
nd plalang ) ( ( ( rs and applause ) >> stephen: welcome bk, everybody. from noooo 87 to 199995, my next guests gave fathererly wdomo an adorabaj gro of tv kids anan millll o oviewers. and now they're e ck. >> it wililever hpenn a#a#an. >> let's c c cer.. girlrl we h he decided toav mercy you're sorry. >> and, "i love you." >> and hugt out. >> sorry.
>> that never gets old. okok, goo o e party. >> okay. tommy's in the the crib. >> see youou..>> bye, girls,, bye. >> did pretty goo with those girls, didn't >>e did all rht can gat.0 i t tha y guys eno for r l the sacrices you madee for myamily a aight,,/e on .. >> again. omen! >>h, g geez! >> stephen: p ease welcome hn stamos, bob saget and dave coulier! ( eersnd appla) >> h h grabbe my b btt didd you shat. >> stephen: i did, di. thank yoyofor being here, gentlemen.n. >> thaha you f f h hing us.
exciteevevyones ttou'r back. ( cheers and applause ). >> yeah. phen: : d you kn-- d d yoyonow? did you sesee att a a h excxced ople wld be for thiss reion? j thoughtht y were asking gigi i kw that wete were back? phen: everyonene yo back. >>ight! sphen: ththaasot beenn ghtly marketed. >> >t is a gianthashtag. >> stephen: it really is. who drove? whose idea w w this?0 this guy. >> stephen: rerere? well, i knew eef had tdo somemeing. people l led the show so much, and d hink the guys it's wholee cast sort of t tsted mwith the legacy to make surur w didid it righ and certainly n nflix was theelace to go. >> stephen: it w a hugerating monster at the te, bt it still inerunss a ratings nster. why do you think people lovet so much? >> i think people are vy with theirir liveses ( laughter ) ( ( plause ). >> stephen: could be. that could b b. that could very well be. ye...>> a a people likeo tunen to hear a three-e-ar-old g g, "oh, nuts." bebeuse that'sisdodo
magic happened-- 255 years ago magic happened with us and d think-- w w wre laughingngbtt? >phen:agag istititi hahaening becauseoo likee u'bo to do aag showwwihat shirt on u loo- look. cheeee and ause e itttttegas. it's a litileeg. > do want to add that he can makenny w wann disappear.r. ( ( eers and applausus). >> stephen:n:ut for how lon buttow long? >> until people come afterhem. >> so can i,utn aeryy different way. i can do the samehing. i can make womomomappear. d it's l l lcially basedn ie eatenen earlierern th day. ( ugug sen:opop up t you for yeararanday, "you arey childhood" and bst into tes? >> y y. >> people cryhennhehehe@ee bob. >> most of the chhges have bn drdrped. that thehean,o ughter )
th go,i grew upahing" ---- >> it's such aholesome s sow that's why peopleeatat i it's such a ( bleep ) wholesome ow. ( laughgerererapplplse ) >> by the way, i justt t t say y evev said (leep )n frofofhehe k ks. >> sphen::eally?u k thattakes y you aood man. >ou opene up his cuii stephph: we're going to bleepppp we're gogog to bleep it. >> it's not my firisisis@s@s shsh. i i ow you're e e e to bleep it. >> stephen: you've been on levision-- >> u knonohow good are you? you're v vy good athis. >> s uphen:ptalking to peoe? y y y >> s sphph: that's veryice. that yrbnd ofou.. >> you know wh would like to say, stephenenoure rerely ( ( eep )) goo a a itt. >> stephen: thank yoyo thank u. thankou. >0 y y of good wil a people right down t dra tonion s sowow i thihi tffffhat ed betwewe the lins, whicwa aamil show thae all cocoitted to and we rlly dididiasas t t tis crazy lununy that e. >>en:: you look likeyou're hing n together.r. >> we did. >> w w w played togetherer and e w wle cas did a a the kids we became friends with and we stayed friends with tm..
cacaht b b lightg,bb magic thing happened. back tagag. >> s sphen: inderstand a second seaean haslrerady bebe&dered. >> sd ason, t chrsrsndndndlae e e >> and it's different than the other shsh becau tht girls are noww raisi the kids, and the girlrlhave tne i into-oe'r gueses@s cast're legacy cacacachehow,w,w, n wh loveee ng. esee@ gls areeaututututut theye e f h andndnd t tt't'sa little upsttin >> they're yrrr daughters. >> i i i know. but i'm saying-- ( laughter ). youou s sunun l le donald trump right now. lalaht i'm'm cting yf .. t tth of f ey'r eautut, tt w didt have assy me bk theay #hadad4-y-yr-r-d girlrs tching g g grereoeoe5re now dateable for me which works-- >ob, b b, > j jstst peoeoe wawah h s a a beb, andndhd 'rere.. cnd j j jdi---- t t t t t woing? e. >> andre raising threre little
fl on meeiei a widow-- widower. she's a widow. ani think it woos r rlly wete... talk, , ease talal. no,ou're d dngt.t( lahter )apse ) >>,ste0h: : : offfidi.i.i.i.i.vnoit w y yr idea..we you afraidf disisisinng th fans?s& becauseou hadad l ke t perfectghghghs thehee. yeah,h, f sure. i mean, you know, we finished it d w w nervo i iitas ghpppe e hehehh w wntntntnt a ait is.s.s. i was sofra--sking evevody,y, thisst?t? s wt peoe wanted@o see? d pant they're prey hawi i i i >his is a arue c c c that fss brought the show back. and it got rewedeusthe lovov it t t ucuchich means theyiddd s someththt rigigig th thehe 1 e esodesnsn ( applausesese >phen: mmmm m in. ou couou t tetyourseven-n-ar-o, you could watch thshow with your family. there wasn't l l offelelisio wdhhh u uluinatchchcht....
unsnperviseded waahh - - >> how many hours doheyet 13sode siand hff h h h... >> atlee somemerere@ lonpisososo essssss e e e e iss,whwh,hree hours long? >> yeah. >> but it's fun. andt't't' amamangdeacacacacn thatse withhr b b b b spsphrz it's e theheamamh e sean'ttt cll.'s eheamamam hse.>>mef@oh.. theyututntoto s s sev: u're kidngngng ff innhere veveeft ti dn't like. >>teen aga,,, it light. it's for chiren. can i ask you a f f or?n we e s s-b-b shot?t?t? people s say oe thqx the two of u u alike and don't... we feaeaea( (pplausus) a little b b a litt bit. >> we l lk k keos- uend j#hn.& >> sphuhoh, y y! absoly!y( ( ndndpp)) >hisi guy----hissuyeely eses lmalthoh.
feweinhattts guyto l l itit a i theogogurt, right? yeah, right. >> stephen: it's all the d d d yo uou jujujsjsjjhtat the of the day.>>tephenen'l'l'l'lighthtack withdaoulier, bo saget, j jn amam stickkroun ebobobob're e oth. we're like got goth.(king d hone i'm dymyr m. hair d? ?h?hnonoiny babaroomom relalalam. t in. any! ffy!!! itititust enage dadght(`scg bu llll9.9% o o ormrmd roro and.... yoyooneeing bubbs disinfectant cleaners 1p0% proolvev-v-v- w wk hardrdo you don't to. ononqnqnlylyompapa.
ys,hhanksks``eingnghgerererand d d ralatatatatn t t s s onox " "ndndthtr >haoueyoth gtarrrrhere asas w wl. >> s sphenhehe w w w they@y@ ing d eime bece, uy g gicd@d@ u u r another season of "fuller house," and i'm not s sprised whahaha likikf iss auuuuooalaleboot,t,ki o o ownsst i i npstatgia. does, its, a aeboots e@ 'reaea actealoioupl .didi't knoififou knene t t# >1 ste: iid >t' a more g git "full sss````ll " "ll house ts," a w w play`ltltroommateteececeeeewhwh h a a littlelel b tooucucucucuc >> the basic pmise,teph aftfrfrfrfr kids toooo streets,
i i'scum of thehehehe eararuf@. theoplplpl l l----ugs, seerrder-ses a a lot of f f f f fngnwut of-dumpster type stuff. and, stephen, you played a pretty important role e e & riesestoo. >> stephenenoh, , , , otot m ot! mmy, ihihihiehe c cp.p. whever haaenen. % e ewhwh you loojok ywhereo@ gott toold o too ryryryuuk,h everywhere you go, the of someds y everywhexexexoo,,ywhere youo, rtrto hold on to@
there's fac ofomedy w nes you. when@n you're locked out there and you' a alone. a light is waiting to carryyou home evreou lk everywhere y look. everywhere you go. >> steen: well, wellll. if it i#n't th"f"f"fhous das.s. cut the crap, dmitri. where's the nexex spment come in? >> stephqn: 9 don'n'kn what you e e lking abouou straraele young-oking ma i am a legitimate e sinenemanbof gentn's entertenen iean e blowditri! whnoise. brain n gaga colombn nasal ray. ite e e etove n'. knore selli of urlie club.
i'm srry about my partner, uncle jesse.. he's a loose cannon. have a couple chseburgers, mae tell us where e e d2ugsss are comimi in. >> no cheeseburgers! >> stephen: it will not w on dmitri,his goodop/badco >> yh? maybe u'altolwkl e e ow you're using g e girls as your drug mules. ( lahter ) ( applause ) ( ( plause ) ono.d.'d in the airpt. >>tephen: so it's s ododop/ bad cop/impressionont cop? ( laughter ) i will play youikee a xylophcne,nd i wililot-- help me outre. stephen: you're ting t o sayon't have merco m t tssigig, i won't h he mercy you!( (`ughter )
have some fun w wth some scum ba bag. >> no, no, jpse, enough witit that, it didn't work. ave this one to popeye. >> i'll shatterour feevrs. teph: dmdmri will@ not lk to ppeye. >> welcome t tll, yoyick bastard. >>en: no! no! not scooby do! n-!okayay okay! everythis comingn at midnight at theckckat th r b shipping container. don't judge me, you know nothing of my life full canadas daddies. with your beautiful precocious daughters. virtue is luxury, "full house" daddies.s >> listen, champ. everybodhas pain. and everybody wants to bury that pain under piles and piles of blow.
>> but it'no excuse to break the la i ink u' l lrn an important lesson hereoday, dmitri. how about you come min with us and help me raise my daughters? >> stephen: really, "full house" daddies? >> yes. >> now that's wt i call a bedtime ory. >> it's been great having you rere dmitri. >> sphen: so happypy >> yeah,h thanksor not take anytng retribution after we bre up your international drug ring. ring. >> stephen: yes. no retribution. >> cut! it! >> now, that's what i call a bedtdte story. everywhere you look everywhere you look ( applause ). stephen: sadly, "fulhouse nights" has been canceled.
you can follow me or if you want to take the lead you know it's obvious we're naturally aligned it's aeeling le a born again teen got a heartbeat like we're only sixteen ahhhh pull me in a ttle closer pull me in a little closer do you recognize me? i have had my eye on you for quite a while never seen your moves like this