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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 2, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST

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e more you use y yr ku& go&rewds card, the me you get.
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a lot eopltookokin read acros america dadatoday. d thatnclud mayor johnhn suthers. he rere to students at early connections learning center. the day is to celebrbrdrdrdr seuss's bjrthday who was a a iter and illustrator. the goal is totoncncrage children to o ad more.
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( baba playing intro music ) ( cheers applause >> jon: epepcolber >> steph: hey,verybody! hey, j! hey! ( cheers and applaus) weweome to t t thow, everybody! thank you soso m mch. thank you down h hre. thananyou up there.
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good to see you.ome to " "e e "the late shohoerybyby. i'stephen colbert. it's been a huge week in erica. wu've seen catatlysmic events, decisions with unknown implicatnsnsor all our turechchces s ing g that cannot be u done becau monday onthe babaelor," ben said, "i womeme two! this hasever happened in the history of bachelordom. ben, what are thlnking? saying "i loou" is a sacred vow between e babaelor and one of 28 8 usebound tv concubinin. ( laughththt i can see whwhben's in this pickle. it's a real pckle, m m. theswomen a e spectacular. let's show a picture of them up ere, jum, can we? they're th lovelel i mean, it's like choosi between apples and oranges who've been@drinking whihi wineee
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now, i i heaven forbid iad to choooo oetween laureneb. jojo, know whwhi'd pick. my wife. becacae that's's's s watch "the bachelor" with. becaeae i'm in this marriagfor the right reons. thank yoyo for sayg yes. but ben is struggling. just listen to this love-struck dummy. >> i'm in love wh h o women, d it complicates this bebeuse my hea is two differenplaces.riririnow, i have twtrueue love my heart is with lauren ananmy hpart isisith h jo. i'm scarar. i'm inineep trouble. i don't know what i'm going to do. >> stephen: i'm scar, too. ( lahter ) in 20 seasons,s, never thought mymyrt cldoot for twcocoesesntstatnc b.. hays y andndnd en. armeanto togeehehoror toxeight nt afr e show ends. ( laughter ) but my oereart, whwhh i ink is over hehe, says thatt jojo is the one thatou should ga ring thahathe show
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break up, and then jo's the chelorette.. you know whaha you n'have to choose. i amamn ordained minister o the church of something. i cat remember. it was o oine. i'm ready to prononoce you man and wife and wife, a happily married thle. i'j' alreadytarted your weinregigiry. it's at crate & bael & anoerer bael. ( lahter ) but just as importantlyly justtt a a imrtantly, i am also in love with t vight's show. chee andpplause ) otot take it of. becaususus w up here i canan read t wornnhe thing.i gotta take thihin. so, wow! there you go! nowe'r'rngawjed. now we're engagad. (p(pughter ) ) fromhe "divergent" serieieie we've gogooctavia spence and i le her.
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( cheers and applause ) frometflix's "fullerouse," 'v'vgot jotamos, bobobl saget, a a dave cliererer d they are my true heet. theyeyre m m heart. and we'll have a musical rformance from luciui! ( baba p pyingngoh, oh at right there, that's jon batiste and sy human. gyve tm your claps,adies anan gentntmen. say hello to them. theyabout to crank it , but before they do, one more thing: for the first time, a google self-drivivg car ed a trafafafaccidentn but they dididt h he toxchange inrmatatatwiwihe other dr becse google a aeady has all informqtion.
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octavia spencer. fron "full house," john stamos, bob sat, and d de coulier. and a a sical p%rfornce e lucius. aturing jon batiste d stay huhuhu and w it's te fohe late showith epn colberer cheers and applause ) phph: welcomee back,erybod that wet my whhhtltlthaethe.
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voted in supereruesday.y. making today " god, what have we done?" " dnesday. this is the road to o e white house. >> but, mr. trurur you're not ni per ( (`plause ) now, othe democratic side, the racecis bebwbwn frontrunner hillary clinton and the senator om t t great ste o oyour liberal friends' faceboofeed, bese sde bernie won vermont, oklahoma, minnnnota and... coloradododo ( eers and appppuse ) but seseetary clinlnn had a massive sweep everything elel. low turnout meant a rough night for sanders. evidently, a lot of people whoho
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wnwny y p p pratitm ( lahter ) on-- on-- onhe r%rubli sidethe voterss spopo, andnd theyy said "blaahghahghghghghghghaaaah!!" ( applse ) and iiope i'm pronouncg that correctl( ( ( hter ) cause e naldldrumpominated super tuesday wiwi a seven-state win-boree. ananit looks like trump might have the nomination in the pm of his t tet, pinknkand. t biggt winner of last ninit's losers wased cruz, who managed totoake e me victories in texas, diet texas, and snow texas. ( ( ughter ) ( applplse ) thatatut cruz ahead of marco rubio, his t riviv in the race tothe final ndidatto pass through dond trump's digestive tract. rubio won only one state, mimiesotat which is reall
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last night was not supposed to be my night. i never said sup ruesday was into bour r g g ght.@ >> s4sphenenyeah, he nev said super tueseswas going to be hihibig nighghgh j mememrmrio was just asking voters if theyeyanted totoee a a moe e is weekend.. when they said no,e said, oooo i didn't want to either. te movies. wow. we have so much in common. do youant to go to the movivi?" and wasn't the only canandatete to pererctct realize his goaoa not-winning g st night. so d d ohio governor rohn kakach. >> s ser tuesday was never ything tt wewever t ought was goininto be some great t tng for . tephen's never going toe great thing. u thght t wanand toin? it'sy 13 stes,an. let t ossqua cdates fit t4er who wins ananbecocos president. ( lahter@r kasich still has a clear path to e pesiden. just take the white house tour, sneak into the oval ficecelock the door and claimquatter's rights. it could work. 24 by presididt albe j.
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( laughter ) ) it was a b bf-- - was brief but effective aintration. but here we are. trump. now, traditionally, en a c car nominee emerges, the party rallies s hind h. for stan, in 2012, they ralllld with: "s"se, mittt romney he'sresihaped!"" ( laughter ) but now, there is some doubt whether the party will ever be enthusstic abobo tmp. butv for allhose f frsrs that are ozt there, all o o t t were laid to rest las night by f frmer rivall chris rislie's joyous and enertic introduction of ump the victory ralal. good eveninon tonight, dond trtrp is the clear winner on n per tuesday.
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tonight the beginning ofdold truru bringing thee rereblicanar tether foaa g victory nember. ( ( ughter ) ( applplpf ) >> s sepn: chris chrti nd of souous like thehe best man in. now w 's t t late to stop. "jennifer and mark-- what a couple, who did, a auay, j jt get married. ititappenene we a a saw@ it. it'seal.l. soso of u know thqt jennifer and i hbve a ait of history,ut thah's what it is... .isry. right, jen? we're st f fends now.
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best man becau i am happy for you, and the groom,vunteed to pay o my campaign debts. cheere!" apauau ) hi, i'd like to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vovoit happensnsns often, u almoso geusus t tit.phononvoice: ma menu prprprtatii presentive. reprtati$ h g pufi.+ relalalae got th.r vo: ...takes some getting used to. joininhe nation. nationwide is on n uride rereesentative.. get 30% off est
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come seek e roya cariean bookokodayt 1-800-0-yalclcibbean nexium 24hr is thene#1 sling frequent heaburn and ininmerica... i hope y y likitpicy!! decompmpmp ptectionwith thehaurplplpillll the new leaderern frequeue heart
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band pying )( cheers and a alause ) >> steen: hey! lce back, everybod my first guest tight is an oscar-winng actress s o stars the n n installment of the "d"dergent" series, "allegiantnt ffctions kept chihigo aceful for a long time. >> well, i wououn't know about thqh becse i w w forced out of my faction. iave u u my life,e,y child,d, everytytng! u uersrsnd your anger, evelel, , o. but th wayay forward -- >> the w forward haseady ben. i saiai'd b alle, but i'm notandor a inot a mitty.y.y.y.y.y.ll le i will fhtht if iav to. ou see tse scars? iasn't b/bn ann mitty. and i canssure you i'i not raia to fightor what i
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>> stephen: please welcome octavia spencer! bandndlalang ( cheers and appppuse ) >> stephen: i likehatat not eery guest dances o the wayy out. ank you very much. >> it's the only exercise i get somemes. ( laughterer. >> stephen: no i understand you'u' actually-- you're from the deep sth. you'rereromm aabama. >> montgomery, alababa. therereututut you don't have any cent, what gives? >> well, do when i w wrkrk i didid a lot of spepeh mpetitno to y for college. and youinind of eradicate any type of dialect. >> stephen: but when y y work you have an accent,ut in your reife youou doot. in m m reaea life -- >nly whennoou pretend to be somebody else you have your y y. it'srue.
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>> stephen: oh, really? >> yea >> stephen: : m from charleston, sosoh c@arolina, and i i n'tteaeay haven accen either, unless get a littltl too o ch t t d dnk or i get really angry. then it comes out. >> yeah, i get reaeay-- y yahahah that-- thal would be t teforor meme t uger >>phi i n'nt o see.e.& t. i don't t nt t t te it. >> i get r rl southern.& yes, do. >> steteen: how do you go from ntgogory, allama, to winng an oscar? >> with a ltle nisan sentra.. >> stephen: did you drive yourselflfut? i did. i hav a telelvision becausese didn't know if f w w going to fifi a tv. television, $3,0000rnd laladry basketith all@f my othe s. >> stephen: w w. >>eah. steteen: and you didn't start off asn actress, did you? i d ddn't'ti waaed t be--- well, there are a few things i wantededed be. t i love broadcasournalism, d i loved jesesica savava, so growing up i woulddd alsoign
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>teen: that's why y don't have an accent. you're imitating a newserson. you dononnow where@he hell thth're from. that thehoho parof t(e jojo when i i a kid i wanted too und likekekeohnn cculloror wpen i i wawch tv, i noticed onn tv theyeyould indicate someone was dumb by givivg them a soutthern acacntand i didn't think southern people were dumb but i didn't wanan t seem i was dumb by having one.. >> kind o lovov it whe people ink i'm done w wth aoututrn accentntecause then i turn into bentlock. sure.. stephen: youan hustle them. >> i can huse the with my wrkled suit, very coalmost bowish.. >> stephen: you started d f as a csting diictoror w would you cas y yourlf?? at would you cas yououelf in? >> = n%verer really thohoht abo at. >> stephenreally? >> my first job i got cast as a rsee and i, you know, became the, you know, eventual nununu all l e time. yeye, i was a nurse a lot( parely, i haveve a sweet facece
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( cheers and applaus) >> steph: 's'se le. it f f f. w would ct?0 >> i would cast you as like-- ok i a commercial, i youu would be, like, the businessman with gas. ( laughter ) ( applse ) >> stephenenthatat type castin that typyp castinin >>o! ii mean -- >>o,o, n n no, no. you've been talking to my doctor. >> no! >> stephenenso i'm the one whs bloat and i had need the max, or sometng le tha i'ust come o ohe flight, m ying tot get m m m u u rental car and i'm gng oooooi i'm not sure iould act thatt . i'm m t sure i clact likik i had s. >> you would sell it because your face is so sweet a a "oh, theas." ye. >tephen: what do peopl-- whato o u l lk for when p pplpl come i i t t auditn? i have to tellououi wasas sn actor in chicaca for years andndnd years and years. i could not get arrested in a
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because iiad t t write everything of my oww no one would cast me in anything. what do you look fhehe somemedydyomeses i there a a people out thehehe whol@an to cast, how ould they comomin a casting sessn? hink--s kindad thhere's-- eveveybody thinks de t box. anis isou're so susuessf because therere no one else like you. >> stephen: oh, so sweet. soweet.@. ( cheers and appau ) >> so -- yeah. >>%'ve got t to let them continue -- t tnk oside the boxox. >> thinkutside the boxox >> stephen: i'm not doi y yrscript. >> exactly. i'm ing to come inj and d my own monexplog this is what you're going to do on tv. i'm not going t to w tou wrot >tephen: thks f stopping b. there's the door.r. in the movieie "aegiant," there are t tse dferent-- action s. >> s sphe faction exactly. ere's dauntless, which isl likeke soldiers. >>es.( >> stephen: there's um--
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we're all at te agglture peace andharmmy and love. >> stephen: there's candoror abniigation, like bl serv >p pubub s srvicic >> stephen: : drudite. whice would you naturally be put in, do you think? >> i-- i hohst iopthatavese tr i would pobably w wt to bebe amitiy. i probably would want to be amitiy. >> stephph: you don't wt to be dauntless, o o oe guys who canicick ass, a a takee nes gilike that iddea butomebeby, u knkn, hitsts mee, i m going t t cry. ( laughter ) so i w w likpomeone lse to be dauneses and i-- i i inkk about that. i w w w@w a lot on wch one i would actually be. >> stephen: we have o t te a lile break can you sttk around. >> steen: >> absolutely. s sphenen we'll be bck with
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( applause ) n't you dare take th apart.t don't you dare get any y g ideas.s. don't you da plawith your food. don't t u re painon the w wls.. don't you dare play games wi me.dot t u u chge the rul. u dare raise ur voice. 4
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a bull rider is bold.now, a bull rider on a plane.... ...is boer t bn bold anif he jumpmpfrom that pne.. ...tt's bolder thaboldld thanold!! and if he jumps ilililting... ....utteteger bar..... ..n all iti0 crispetyruhety, ..eaeaery kl h!h!hohoererhan n er older anan and d d e eats it... honey! ...en when his mhe tells him not to... you'll s s your dinner! .that's... ..older thanolder than lder than boer than bold! boldld tn bold. crispetytycrunchety, anut-buttery butterfingerer
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who are you talking to? uh, it's jakfrom s s far dsike a reallyoode. jake fron ate e rmrmat three ininhe mornini? who is ts? it's jake from state farm. whatre y yearingake e om state e e uh, khkhisis she e undsdsdseous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm.
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tt0wx#hi!!%4@-*!tt0w!tx#hi!!el@- &l tt0w!tx#hi!!ed@-@-( tt0w!tx#hi%!)8h-fzt tttt!tx#x#%!kzhz[5( ( 0w!t!thi%!n-h-.\$ tt0w!tx#%!0ph-0;< tt0w!tx#hi%!s"h-h-\ tt0w!tx#hi%!ueh-#+tt0w0wx#hi%!%!h-?)x ( cheers a applalae >>tephwe'rck w wh e e ve a taedctct spencer.r. anararin and a a a a erican wt did you maf the oscars s white campaiai did at resesate with you? did you think that was something thatx needed to be done? >> i understand t t rancor. t i-- i---- too make aaking alogy.y.y. >> s sphen: a baking analogy. >> to make a baking any. >> steph:: wasn'ture itasas bacoor baking. >> i'm from the south, soo it could veee bacon. but, okaka the oscarar are the cher on n eop of thehe cakeke ay, the cake i ielf is thehe prize. and therobleisisis i tink instead of beingngrwith the people who putthehe cherry on top of the cake, you should probably be more upsetthth t terocery
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toll ofhe ingngedieies. puse without all of the ingredients, tre i i nott a asononlele expectatiothat y y&& can gethe cherry. ( applause ). stephen: and, if you're, you know, ifffv're gen intolerant, the metaphor doesn' wo a a. it t esn't work att all. >> stephen: ght. you al d anonoer thing. yoso wriri books. you ve series o younadul books called ran rhodes ninja detective. that's two of ththcoolest t ings you cangeth, ninia anddetective. whwhd yo s writing these and ehatas you motivation 'myscnd i re myststy bobob@as a cheld and it ke m m m e eaged withdingngnd i t tht i woo@ddant to do something to givee back to kids that helped me in a way. and this is bally the-- a loveetter all t t tngs they love-- ninjas, detectiviv, bruce lee, everythingng >> steteen: you t some advi.. you got somemedvice for thehe kids h h to doo somom honest-to-gogo kini of dective work in herev
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>>ph: i have to tak issue with one of the things you have in here. tp i a in appeix "a" under "conduct a stakeout." ththgs y y'l need, food a water, cara, b bnocurs, tience, a notebook a pn. diaps, optial. ( laughter ) ststk up on diapers if you can't resist eatininand drinking on duty.. ( lauger ) so, thisiss so you don't h he to leave yourar >> kd of,, but these a a kids. so t ty're notoing to be i cars. they're going g g e in the bushes. ( ( ughter ). >> steteenthey're ds.. th're nonooing to o coucting a a stakeout, ,ut noow you got kids asking their parentntto get t tem diiers. this one is, "o icogno." >> yeseses >> s s: t ings you'lll ed-- this is diuises. ththgs you'lll need, rububr bands.. why? why do you need rubberer bands? >> change your hairstyle. >> stephenenoh, okay. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: hat. >>at. s sphen: scarf o o s satat,,
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here one`e don't get,otton ba ( laugerereryou go toguee ursese as s rabbit? whwh's happeningng use i haveomom herer i have-- - haveee a jarf cotton balls. why do i need- what do i do with cotton balls? >> you sti i i yourrr mou to make your faceokuer. if ou'reeally thin you m mht someone thatou're heavr. ( ( ughter ) ( applause ) ( ughter ) ( applause ) >>ououenrecognizable! >> stephen: i don't know where
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but i am so happy tl meet octavispenenr! i feelike i'm doi a-- a local thea produion o othe& goatheheer" " ghttow. applause )i'm supsed e a dedective ght n n n >> i h he n i i i! >> stephen: it's in your book! i d d't rececgnizeou.. laughter >> s ephenen"allegiant" opops march 18. octavia spencer, everybody!
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( ( eers applause )) turns out t n juice doesn'n't cure pink eye. hi..how are e u u ing today? that's how i am. red head f fd. ultrrarere i collect these too. tsesere for my dog because he can never be whihi one hwant til etethoso.. icanxpresentsse ue c ch everyday card th no o nual fee. cashshack k purchases my only concern is that this is@where we put foo a dog's s ot i icleaner than a humam's mouth. that's what they say. is it? cleanethanany mouth. cked by the servive and security of amican expressss shop kohl's. friday nht os and turday ear bir.r. fothe w soma g for r fe clectn... sasato 60%ydyd for hid for her. and % r ds ven sonoma foromo. plus get klhs caca. kohl's..
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we could do tacos. could do some thai.i. o.o. how 'ut s, eheh [weirdrdog moan/sqsqak] why no yawawng/squeaking] no, 're not, we'e' not having baec. again. [qet dog groan] why? bebeusu#you'u' on ur legs,nd i'm two... and i'm driving.g. at's'shy.
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switch to centurylink k istv,d get the samehereat chahaelss cable gives you, without havang t tdeal with cab. yes and? and...there's whololhome dvr. plus tons ofn demand optns you can watch whateter, whenever. yes and? why do y guys keep sayg that? it's the firststulul of improv. by s sing "y and," accepepepe reality dby our cedy partners, paul s, right, i owoq do you? feel like a hoywood inside
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nd plalang ) ( ( ( rs and applause ) >> stephen: welcome bk, everybody. from noooo 87 to 199995, my next guests gave fathererly wdomo an adorabaj gro of tv kids anan millll o oviewers. and now they're e ck. >> it wililever hpenn a#a#an. >> let's c c cer.. girlrl we h he decided toav mercy you're sorry. >> and, "i love you." >> and hugt out. >> sorry.
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>> that never gets old. okok, goo o e party. >> okay. tommy's in the the crib. >> see youou..>> bye, girls,, bye. >> did pretty goo with those girls, didn't >>e did all rht can gat.0 i t tha y guys eno for r l the sacrices you madee for myamily a aight,,/e on .. >> again. omen! >>h, g geez! >> stephen: p ease welcome hn stamos, bob saget and dave coulier! ( eersnd appla) >> h h grabbe my b btt didd you shat. >> stephen: i did, di. thank yoyofor being here, gentlemen.n. >> thaha you f f h hing us.
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exciteevevyones ttou'r back. ( cheers and applause ). >> yeah. phen: : d you kn-- d d yoyonow? did you sesee att a a h excxced ople wld be for thiss reion? j thoughtht y were asking gigi i kw that wete were back? phen: everyonene yo back. >>ight! sphen: ththaasot beenn ghtly marketed. >> >t is a gianthashtag. >> stephen: it really is. who drove? whose idea w w this?0 this guy. >> stephen: rerere? well, i knew eef had tdo somemeing. people l led the show so much, and d hink the guys it's wholee cast sort of t tsted mwith the legacy to make surur w didid it righ and certainly n nflix was theelace to go. >> stephen: it w a hugerating monster at the te, bt it still inerunss a ratings nster. why do you think people lovet so much? >> i think people are vy with theirir liveses ( laughter ) ( ( plause ). >> stephen: could be. that could b b. that could very well be. ye...>> a a people likeo tunen to hear a three-e-ar-old g g, "oh, nuts." bebeuse that'sisdodo
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magic happened-- 255 years ago magic happened with us and d think-- w w wre laughingngbtt? >phen:agag istititi hahaening becauseoo likee u'bo to do aag showwwihat shirt on u loo- look. cheeee and ause e itttttegas. it's a litileeg. > do want to add that he can makenny w wann disappear.r. ( ( eers and applausus). >> stephen:n:ut for how lon buttow long? >> until people come afterhem. >> so can i,utn aeryy different way. i can do the samehing. i can make womomomappear. d it's l l lcially basedn ie eatenen earlierern th day. ( ugug sen:opop up t you for yeararanday, "you arey childhood" and bst into tes? >> y y. >> people cryhennhehehe@ee bob. >> most of the chhges have bn drdrped. that thehean,o ughter )
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th go,i grew upahing" ---- >> it's such aholesome s sow that's why peopleeatat i it's such a ( bleep ) wholesome ow. ( laughgerererapplplse ) >> by the way, i justt t t say y evev said (leep )n frofofhehe k ks. >> sphen::eally?u k thattakes y you aood man. >ou opene up his cuii stephph: we're going to bleepppp we're gogog to bleep it. >> it's not my firisisis@s@s shsh. i i ow you're e e e to bleep it. >> stephen: you've been on levision-- >> u knonohow good are you? you're v vy good athis. >> s uphen:ptalking to peoe? y y y >> s sphph: that's veryice. that yrbnd ofou.. >> you know wh would like to say, stephenenoure rerely ( ( eep )) goo a a itt. >> stephen: thank yoyo thank u. thankou. >0 y y of good wil a people right down t dra tonion s sowow i thihi tffffhat ed betwewe the lins, whicwa aamil show thae all cocoitted to and we rlly dididiasas t t tis crazy lununy that e. >>en:: you look likeyou're hing n together.r. >> we did. >> w w w played togetherer and e w wle cas did a a the kids we became friends with and we stayed friends with tm..
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cacaht b b lightg,bb magic thing happened. back tagag. >> s sphen: inderstand a second seaean haslrerady bebe&dered. >> sd ason, t chrsrsndndndlae e e >> and it's different than the other shsh becau tht girls are noww raisi the kids, and the girlrlhave tne i into-oe'r gueses@s cast're legacy cacacachehow,w,w, n wh loveee ng. esee@ gls areeaututututut theye e f h andndnd t tt't'sa little upsttin >> they're yrrr daughters. >> i i i know. but i'm saying-- ( laughter ). youou s sunun l le donald trump right now. lalaht i'm'm cting yf .. t tth of f ey'r eautut, tt w didt have assy me bk theay #hadad4-y-yr-r-d girlrs tching g g grereoeoe5re now dateable for me which works-- >ob, b b, > j jstst peoeoe wawah h s a a beb, andndhd 'rere.. cnd j j jdi---- t t t t t woing? e. >> andre raising threre little
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fl on meeiei a widow-- widower. she's a widow. ani think it woos r rlly wete... talk, , ease talal. no,ou're d dngt.t( lahter )apse ) >>,ste0h: : : offfidi.i.i.i.i.vnoit w y yr idea..we you afraidf disisisinng th fans?s& becauseou hadad l ke t perfectghghghs thehee. yeah,h, f sure. i mean, you know, we finished it d w w nervo i iitas ghpppe e hehehh w wntntntnt a ait is.s.s. i was sofra--sking evevody,y, thisst?t? s wt peoe wanted@o see? d pant they're prey hawi i i i >his is a arue c c c that fss brought the show back. and it got rewedeusthe lovov it t t ucuchich means theyiddd s someththt rigigig th thehe 1 e esodesnsn ( applausesese >phen: mmmm m in. ou couou t tetyourseven-n-ar-o, you could watch thshow with your family. there wasn't l l offelelisio wdhhh u uluinatchchcht....
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unsnperviseded waahh - - >> how many hours doheyet 13sode siand hff h h h... >> atlee somemerere@ lonpisososo essssss e e e e iss,whwh,hree hours long? >> yeah. >> but it's fun. andt't't' amamangdeacacacacn thatse withhr b b b b spsphrz it's e theheamamh e sean'ttt cll.'s eheamamam hse.>>mef@oh.. theyututntoto s s sev: u're kidngngng ff innhere veveeft ti dn't like. >>teen aga,,, it light. it's for chiren. can i ask you a f f or?n we e s s-b-b shot?t?t? people s say oe thqx the two of u u alike and don't... we feaeaea( (pplausus) a little b b a litt bit. >> we l lk k keos- uend j#hn.& >> sphuhoh, y y! absoly!y( ( ndndpp)) >hisi guy----hissuyeely eses lmalthoh.
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feweinhattts guyto l l itit a i theogogurt, right? yeah, right. >> stephen: it's all the d d d yo uou jujujsjsjjhtat the of the day.>>tephenen'l'l'l'lighthtack withdaoulier, bo saget, j jn amam stickkroun ebobobob're e oth. we're like got goth.(king d hone i'm dymyr m. hair d? ?h?hnonoiny babaroomom relalalam. t in. any! ffy!!! itititust enage dadght(`scg bu llll9.9% o o ormrmd roro and.... yoyooneeing bubbs disinfectant cleaners 1p0% proolvev-v-v- w wk hardrdo you don't to. ononqnqnlylyompapa.
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c c cng. x: e e ee e inin sfsf c c cngine.
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ys,hhanksks``eingnghgerererand d d ralatatatatn t t s s onox " "ndndthtr >haoueyoth gtarrrrhere asas w wl. >> s sphenhehe w w w they@y@ ing d eime bece, uy g gicd@d@ u u r another season of "fuller house," and i'm not s sprised whahaha likikf iss auuuuooalaleboot,t,ki o o ownsst i i npstatgia. does, its, a aeboots e@ 'reaea actealoioupl .didi't knoififou knene t t# >1 ste: iid >t' a more g git "full sss````ll " "ll house ts," a w w play`ltltroommateteececeeeewhwh h a a littlelel b tooucucucucuc >> the basic pmise,teph aftfrfrfrfr kids toooo streets,
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i i'scum of thehehehe eararuf@. theoplplpl l l----ugs, seerrder-ses a a lot of f f f f fngnwut of-dumpster type stuff. and, stephen, you played a pretty important role e e & riesestoo. >> stephenenoh, , , , otot m ot! mmy, ihihihiehe c cp.p. whever haaenen. % e ewhwh you loojok ywhereo@ gott toold o too ryryryuuk,h everywhere you go, the of someds y everywhexexexoo,,ywhere youo, rtrto hold on to@
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there's fac ofomedy w nes you. when@n you're locked out there and you' a alone. a light is waiting to carryyou home evreou lk everywhere y look. everywhere you go. >> steen: well, wellll. if it i#n't th"f"f"fhous das.s. cut the crap, dmitri. where's the nexex spment come in? >> stephqn: 9 don'n'kn what you e e lking abouou straraele young-oking ma i am a legitimate e sinenemanbof gentn's entertenen iean e blowditri! whnoise. brain n gaga colombn nasal ray. ite e e etove n'. knore selli of urlie club.
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i'm srry about my partner, uncle jesse.. he's a loose cannon. have a couple chseburgers, mae tell us where e e d2ugsss are comimi in. >> no cheeseburgers! >> stephen: it will not w on dmitri,his goodop/badco >> yh? maybe u'altolwkl e e ow you're using g e girls as your drug mules. ( lahter ) ( applause ) ( ( plause ) ono.d.'d in the airpt. >>tephen: so it's s ododop/ bad cop/impressionont cop? ( laughter ) i will play youikee a xylophcne,nd i wililot-- help me outre. stephen: you're ting t o sayon't have merco m t tssigig, i won't h he mercy you!( (`ughter )
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have some fun w wth some scum ba bag. >> no, no, jpse, enough witit that, it didn't work. ave this one to popeye. >> i'll shatterour feevrs. teph: dmdmri will@ not lk to ppeye. >> welcome t tll, yoyick bastard. >>en: no! no! not scooby do! n-!okayay okay! everythis comingn at midnight at theckckat th r b shipping container. don't judge me, you know nothing of my life full canadas daddies. with your beautiful precocious daughters. virtue is luxury, "full house" daddies.s >> listen, champ. everybodhas pain. and everybody wants to bury that pain under piles and piles of blow.
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>> but it'no excuse to break the la i ink u' l lrn an important lesson hereoday, dmitri. how about you come min with us and help me raise my daughters? >> stephen: really, "full house" daddies? >> yes. >> now that's wt i call a bedtime ory. >> it's been great having you rere dmitri. >> sphen: so happypy >> yeah,h thanksor not take anytng retribution after we bre up your international drug ring. ring. >> stephen: yes. no retribution. >> cut! it! >> now, that's what i call a bedtdte story. everywhere you look everywhere you look ( applause ). stephen: sadly, "fulhouse nights" has been canceled.
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"fuller house" on netflix right now. ( laughter ) >> do you want me to help you? >> stephen: no, it's really hard to talk with mustache on. we'll be right back with a performance by lucious, everybody. stick around
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everywhe you go y's suprprprgrgrn skillet loadedede withtho mama nutrtrioususuper foo, ink itivg me super mom powerer dedenen suprememememn sksklet. s. welcome to america's diner. never underestimime the power ofofnergizer.
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announcementis stoto proroses to be the biggesof the decade. with total accumulation of up to three feet. roads wille shsh down indefinitely. d schos are closed cacabell's soups go greqt wi a c c cana nice red.
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song, "born again teen,"adies and gentelmen, luc >> it's a feeling like a borngain teen got a hrtbeat like we're only sixteen hhhh would you take my hand, baby? you know you know i like to dance maybe we'll be good;
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you can follow me or if you want to take the lead you know it's obvious we're naturally aligned it's aeeling le a born again teen got a heartbeat like we're only sixteen ahhhh pull me in a ttle closer pull me in a little closer do you recognize me? i have had my eye on you for quite a while never seen your moves like this
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lf-confifincncnc i thinking how yours tae next to o ne and michigan my heart is racin' burning from this heat we're making whehethe beat k kks i i we'll resupply it's a feeling like bornrngagagaeenn got a heaeabeat like 'r'r'rly sixixix ahhhh couou somebododhelp m m
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i ion't t t it'ju m m d&&77 k #otojus sosodydymepqpepep i could just die, die ie 8 4 hhhh it's a feeling like born again teen
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>> stephen: yeah. the album, " "od grief" is out

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