tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 4, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
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>on: stephen cocoertr captning sponsored by s ( band playing atatshow" theme)) (cheersnd applause phen: he eveboby! whoooooo he welcomomto "the late shoho" ( cheers and applause ) hello,verybody! ((en chantntg stephen ) doe, u uererp er right there, out t thth so ch, every! lcto "ththte"" ththks, jon,oe, grace,e,d.d. ( cheers and applause ) welcome tothe latehow.w. i am yhost, stepn colbert.
straight t te big celebrity ud everyone is t tkiki abo: nald tru vers thpopepe did you hearbobo this? did yohear a aut ts? this broke today. i am ser, am making thisisp.p. as america's femost tholol, lele explain to you what ppened, okay? (laughter e pope i mico right now, where heheas asked about t tal trump's plan to build rd wall, and.hiliss said: "a person whthinks only out ildingngalls wherever they may be and not of building bridges is nothristian. isan is not christqan if he has saya things like that." ( cheeee and appppuse ) enruru'skay,ecauseee hahanoid tngs liliha he hasasaid exactly that. (laugugug ) okay.because donald truru wants to wall around this cotry. i wond wre he e uld have gotten a crazy idea a ke that.maybe... the vatican?! laugugerer)
uhmhuh, huh, boooo applse ) i i in trou laughter ofofououe, donald trumpp reonded immeately.y. >> so the memecacagogornment fed the pe a tremendous amount of stufufabout "trumps not a good pepepe." and the pope just-- can yo imagine? i just got a aal as s m lking up here. they said, "mr. trp, the pe made a statament about y." said, "the pope? whatid the pope e y? i like the pope. i meanwas s good or bad?? because if i is go, i like the pope. it's b d, i don like the ps." ( ughter) >> stephen: you've goto respect his honesey. ike jususaid, "blessed are the e or, ununss t ty saidsomething bad about me, , , rew 'em."" ((lauger eers and ala) i wa to try to bker ac eethe two meme mrmrump, mr.op ( ughter )
nana. is it possle that u guysrere fifiting because you have e muchn coon? ter all,l,ou b bh think y u're inllibib. and yobo sit on go rone and you botlear very silly things on your heads. ( ughter ) ( applalse ) of c crse-- coursd ump p d toave the last word: >> so i just wrotehihiout veryy qukly abt the pope. do yout to h hr i ? >> >tephennot really. okay! becacae we have got a rerere great t ow fororou tonig. ( cheeee andppppuse ) first, i'll be talking to the star of "madamecretary," tea leoni, ladies d gegelememe ( nd appppusee) ah. en i'll l t downith the vely anda peet, lalala a a gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) en i'll be t tkiki t t t o
dog. eers and a alaus ( balayiyi ) ohohthat----hat baver there e jon bbtiste and thstayayumum experience. ey are abo to kick this o&f, but befofo t ty dodoononmore thing:gb newdy f f tha saying you have minority friends ll me you appear less cist. i don't knowowf tx'srue, ,ut that is what my seaid. ((laughter ) ( cheers andndpplausus ) >> announcer: totoght..... ephen welcomom teea leoni! om hbo'ststhernesssc da pt! triumph the inlt com dogog
human!" and nonono's time for "the late showwi steteen crt ( cheeee a applause ) >> s senhey! ththkseverody! ( cheers and applause thank you so much! ll, i'm so glad you u ys are here. the othing m/me imrtant to me-and i meananhi thehe nothing me important t anng honest withy auence anani learard myessoso t nit i trieieto ps off@a@m@m@ with sasses s leonanao caprio. (0 laughter ) oughght work o o fororhe mop-- he is dating kate upton now. soso want totoe up front with you right fr the beginni, and admithat, occasionally, get paid to feature a spsor'r' prpruct on the show. but i have`ehe same high
as i dodfor r pearing nude o&o camera it has s s integral to the plot, or i have no choice. toninit, o o o othososthings is true. but i think weave manato maso orgrgic, , u might even notice. w, on a complete unrelated te, i am feeling atle thirsty right w. you know wt woulreally hit the sp my favorite berage.. the 2016 mini ubmbn! ste stst whehe!with six doors and aasasve trunk, the cluans the biggest mimi ever. its rprisinglypacious interior we can fit: civil w renactcts frfrpposininsidede thth's two confederate soldiers t t front, bececee e ey starard it, and threunion ldieie in the back. thth're fiveverothers from the same famy, whichchs exex tragic. but there's a happy endidi, because there is so much room in the clubman, they do n n nd to fight. because as lincolnlnever said, "a mini clubman n vided against
don't t ve t tstand with all that space to sit." wawa hell, but thihicar is heafen and at was tonht's commercial@i@iegratiti... ( cheers and applause ) but there are just s smany ststies s t there, i ian possibly decide whh to talk about. luluil i don't he toecid any momo because i i relinququqineditororl control ofofy show in this new segment: >> audie wheel! ofof news! stephen: here's h it t t s. ave installed a anan spspning wheel on e ceing of the edullivan theater-- ( cheersnd applaus ) with categories like "entertament," "politics, "spo" and "guacamole."
though if it lands on guacamole, that is fiftcents extra. and whwh i pulthis lever, the eel spins,hen i talkbo whever c c cororore wheel lands on but,@here's ththinin i didn't give the gu enough tio sh the dome. totally my fault. so here's whwh we'rereoingo do okay,ythis s y right he, come oup here. thisuy h hding theheole--0this guy holdldg e pole, ght here ((cheers and alausus ) this is brendan rley. y y y brenenn. say to brendan, everybody! ( cheering ) brenenn is frequeny my desk; matttr of fact, if you s the bebe sananrs s sdwiches ing thother ght,t,e was actual undnd the desk feing me sandwiches the entire tim on plates. ( cheersrsnd applause ) okay, and brendadais also a enic here, which means h h kes things for the s sw, andnd that dome upre is actualal
ok and itas allupposeto be up there,ased on is, but that's not workin so we're actually gogog to use the model i is baseono do ts tonighdn alrighgh so m going g spin the e eeeeand when it stops, i will d dthe e ing,g,kay? i'll dodthe thing. you guys r rdy t tplay? ( cheering ) owusiness! ( lauger l right,t,nd-- no, you have to ma the clicky sound. >> okay. tyck tictitk tick ck.... tick... . stephen: : ep ticking! ep ticking.. >> tick tick tk tick tic.. tick. tick... >> stephen: oh! it landed on n neese news." ( cheers a a alause )dingngding, ding? >> ding, din ding, ding! ( ht )) >> stephenenthe latest hard or evev semisofnews aboutdled dairy.
from the parmesan warsbecause the e e d.a. revealed dhat some eeseupiers of grateded parmesan cheeshahahaeen adding wood pulul thth's right. audience reaeass) that's what said. it tns, yourarmesan has been@nporting wood. w they expxpin this s od pp is jt cellulule which is usese n anti-clumpinagent. and sususui'm m re you're sayiyi, "a little an-clululug ent never huhu anynye." buit turns out, it is s s of . a samplef paesan froroone ocerain was 8.8% wood pulp. bpbpbpbphe p ps s de, your sagng as sturdy as an i ia bookshf. ((lalaer )) now pepeonally, am outragegeby isreach of tst. i docheck on wt goes i mymyou, but i have always assumed thth someone ds. now!
more new okay. why don't t@u spinint, you spin itit hold on. hold on, ready? u sp it. do have anytytng i can pulul as the lev? give myour other hand. ypu spqn it with thand, give me your r her handnd okay, , ady? >ick,k, tick, tick! >> steph: : : oh, oh! oh, looks like it might be "mini clubman integratio" anan oh, it lands on "mental health." >> ding, d dg, ding,ing! ( laughter ) >> ste0een: okay, great. meme health is aopic tt is not@coveved enoun ourudidi and iimpot te a nt to o ina light on it. l l)ght ... e interior ambienthting moed intthe 2 mini clmaors! chchrs2sndpplaus and that's it-- that it t r "menenl health let't'in again! >> t tk, t tk, tick, tick, tick,
( cheers a applause ) >> tick... tick... tick.... >> stephen: : : ecent study!" according toto recect study, people w w a a sigigfifintly overweht may perceive distans as being greater thann they acdcdy are.e. whicexplains the old j je "y mma is so fat, her depep pepeepti i iwildly inaccura." ( laughtht) and let's spsp again! ( cheers and appppe ) >> tick,ick, t r stephen: "cdip p thout contntt!"" jim? ( hillary barking ) leles spin again! let's sp a a i will love you forever for beinwith me at t ts moment. which one is this one? witchblade lawsw"
comes from wisconsin:>> governonoscott wawaer put pen to p today to sign new legislsln lifting the f n n ncled switchbladeses the govevea]'s a measure otecting freedom supported by e constitution. the baon switchblas had been in effecsince thth195050 >> stephen: : at's right scott walkeras lifd wisconsis -year-old ban on concealed s s chbladeses i applaud5the governor; swswchblades are the importantt issusuof 2016. because t'say you arjust cruiuing down to the malt shop with y yr best gal, only to o n into some toughs w want to race you fororhe pinks to yourur t-bibi. you haveveot a cstitutiona right t takout t ur b bdedend ice thatetteright off s varsititjack. remembrumbles can happen at any time, anywhe -- sock hops,five-and-dimes, the d aqueduct, the quarar, jimmy's garage where they let you smoke after school. without your bla, , cocod end up deadsville, ddy-o. ken mind, if you are new to@ it, it is importananto toss s e
h, rea, ha, easy action! th way they neveveknowhich hand you are comininatathem th. me some news, brendnd! ( cheersrsnd a alause ) >> tick,k,ick, tick. tick, tick, ti. >>tephen: i want to warn our affifiates, we might be going ng. >> tick, tick, tick, tick. >> stephen" ational monumes!" >>atl monuments? tickcktick, ding! ((lalahter ) >tephen: the naonal park servicsays a philanthropist is nating $18.5 milonono o o restororthe lilcoln memorial. hopefuy, that is enough toto make lincotap and talk-- ke he does at snsn world.personly, i think the neyy would be b bter spent on t washshgton monument.. that thi lks nototng like him. oh, there youogo.. there you go.. ( applause ) cheers a applalae ) let's pretd i un it!
>> tick, tick, tick! >> stephen: "five second xophone solo!" hit itititdy! ( cheers andpplause )& >> stephen: mo newew "a recent study!y! it landed d "a cent study," let's y. another r cent study says humans and neananrthals inter-bred 5000 yearsrsarlier tha previously thoughtproving something el is 50,000 years older than we thought: beer goggles. laughter ) want to try? nt to o y? wegoing for entenment. >> tick,ick, tick, tk, tici.... tick.... tick... ck... tici.... tick... tick, tick..." ck.k. tick... ticktick...
i i@n't ththk it's on hehe! >> ding! >> stephen: there it is! "eertainment!" ( eers and applausee the oscar prucers are now prising thathis t%le will be "the most didirse ever." that's right, pepe oeverer race, lor, and creed will be on hand to give a trophy to whatever white person wi. ( .ughter ) >> stephen: well, t t 's's lks! let's gi it onmorepin! isist on here? it tettetebe on here! it's the out to thisishole act! i dodot know! (chchrsndpplae ) there it is! readad z-zzz-zzzz oh! ommercial breaea" ect!
leoni! soy kids don'tave e foraggogogogogobs tpapaa mortge, and i've also got a brain. life short, talk is chchp. ll bworkg while u slee ststl dodot thinkmri'i' got a bra u thina resume's enough? who'll s sp upuphen thingsgset t tgh? don't you want thaha kind of brain? a degree is s ee. u're g gnat someone like me. but only if`yove a araqk. alrigit, what do you thinboys?? we couou do tacoco we could do somehai. oo.. how 'bout sushi, eh?? eiei dog moaoasqueak] why not? [dog yawning/squeaking] nonowe're not, we'rereototaving barbec... . . n. [quiet dog groan] y?
that'shy. [dog whine] susui it is. cat get unlimited or your filil r carriers either donotoffer it, or it's$too exnsive!`! not-mobi t three lineneof unled 4g lte dada f fust fifty bucks ch, anget fourth line, free! rry. o& at t-mole. while you u u busy not remodelili your baom, the internet got rocket mortgage.
>> s4ephen: hey!y! lcome e , , erybodod ( cheers andndpplausee ) lcome ck! my first guest tlnight is star of television d film, who now pls the lead role on t t cbs drama "mad secretary." plplse welco, tea lei! ( dalaying) chee andndppuseq ) >> stephen: lovely to have you on! lovely to have y y he. >> thanknkou, so much! ththyou! ( chrs and appe ) >> stephen: at's some e vely blininyove got t tre. thank you. 's a real. >> spheneni thoughit w w dollar bill. i couldn't qui telelelat that olas there. well, ngratulaons on "madam secretary." tha you.>>teen: you kn, no secret to you, when a lot of pepele see th, , , hinknkhelaying hillary y inton, right? >> y. >> steen: secretary of state, onde. >> bloloe. >>tephph: porful.
ople thihat. >> thedo, but i promise you, i-- i didn't have hiararin mind. >> stephene reallyly i think sheeeed hillary in. and d ll prove it to you. we had her on a coupup of months o and this is she said. jim, can yououoll the clip? >> stephenwhat do you bibie watch? do you have a-- ve a show you ally like? >> i d dlike "mam secrety." stephen: oh, you do? >> io. >tephen: don't justay that cause it's a cbs show. >> no, becauau i watchchdada secretary" and i wat "good wife." >>tephen: all right? >> w w. now th's good. teen: thereryou have i i there you have it, okay? >> n n, i would bebeying if i saidididn'play that clcl over a over ain. ( laughter ) >> stephen: have y#y lrned anything about thetate partmentpling g is role? do you think, because-- >> oh,es. >> steteen: because people't think k out the state depamene a lot. they think, it's sort of like the e rt of thgovernment we fprgetbout. >> i thinkhat's tr, i do think that's true, and actually i thk maybe the greatest complime that i got was omom madeleine albright, former secretary ofofte, who said, hank you for mming foreign policy less foroign.
>> stephen: wow. >> that wa- i took it. (eers and appppppe ) and i thk that's'somewha trtr. steteen: she cocoultstsn the show, right? >> well, sheheasasn the show, yes. d we g some stors s t of r th wertyty >>tephdoesheha wh y ye doing is accurate? he lioioahh,t would be like..." el sometimes she gets a lile mad at me. >> s4sphph: for whatat >usfor, you know, not d dng it rig. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what-- what are you doing wrong? >> i-- i occasiolly- >phen: "that's nohow w wouldlask k r a drone utri[i[i ( laughter ) >> n n l l ln, she would-- (ughtht) >> steen: what are you doing wrong? >> oh, gosh, i don't know. shshs v%ry pickyu u ow e was ar s.she knows the g and-- >> stephen: you don't get th gig without-- - -nd she'l'lsay, "no, that wod never happen." >>phph: what have you donene that would never hapn? >> oh,h,ou know-- >> steen: because ththshow actually holds-- i iave en blown up, already, sean one.
you look fulous! >> thaha you. >> stephen: now, you're also mother. >> yes. stephene would yoyorather negotiate, as secretery ofof state, with vladir putin or th teenagege? becacae, they cacabe like $pterrrrists. (((ughwer ) >> yes, itrue. ini could negotiate with pun, beca have teenagersrs ( applause ) >> stephen: they're e lentntss. >> yes. i have a 13-year-o boyoy putin's a brze. >> stephen: nonoing, exactly. >> yeah. >> stephen: i undedend tt youron s st ofofonvinc you takthig hemoougoto go, get t t of touse," o owh was it? ughtir )>> yes, well, you ow, he said, "i thinkhan--" i hadn word inin few years and said, "you know, i've got is"-- he's 12 at the time-- >> ste: : d like you t t leave. >> y y! in essence,@it was, "listen, go back, t out there, younow?" have ehis s pepeence--
mom! >> yes!" and i i ok that asreallylyi ought it whis s s beautiful moment bet us s d i said, kay, here e go!" you know, i did. went-- i returned. and you knowu have yr upssanyoururowns. it'sard. you/work tse kind hrs and-- - ally, i thought itas going veryl, i will tell you this, til halloween, andy son, i said, "so, baby, what are yogoininto be r halloween?" he's'sot too o o. he said, "i'going to be an fashioned lobster." lauger ) ananane first thouout, thought, "th's c cative, that's good." out, "oh, my gododi'm not there! he's smokingop" ( lahter ) like, this is a disasterer andnthis rage of guilt, , keke alys wkingnd he's
ruit t t t my mint-- a a d shned te of course there ll bthoven mitts, thatart's obs.s. what'sest of this s ingg gogog toe?and i in and he wasasn d fashioned mobsbs ( laughter )( applse ) and so, lhew! >> stephen: did you tell him you ought lobster? >> no. >> stephenenno? dodot evev tell m you u ought lobs >> i will ner llim, , d he's not w wching becae hehe not imimimsed. >tephen: good. he's goi to go, is she smokidope? ((lalalaer ) ll, stick arouou, d love to
we'lbe rig bacwith more tea leoni. ( bandndng ) ( cheers and appuse ) oubreakfasashours are simple always. r nch and dinner hrs: same. our value menu is prettttttttttttty simple, too. denny's. welcome to arica's diner. alright, it's ford truck month.. this is the time, thth is the place. and this is ford-150. wi a higigstreth, , litary grade uminum-alloy body..... 's up to 700 pnds lighter than b%re, so you can tow more of this... haul more of t tt.
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( cheers and appppuse ) >>tephen: we're e ck with the lovely and talented tea lelei! ( chee and applae ) i undedetand, , e weekromm tonight,t,ovre tururng 5 ars congratulation >> n no, no.o. >> stephen: what? >> i'murni 59. >>phph: you're tning 59 yes olol wow! ( ch a a applausus )) well, i mean, stil congralatitis, but---- mn you lo gat for any agegebut amazing! ( laughter ) >> hers the thg. i've figured outhtt women lie about eir age-e-you u ouldldot liabouyouj age. but they lie t t wrong ( laughter )) >v steteen: : e you nonogoing to rn 59? >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephph: y#u'rerectually rning 50? >> m ((laughter ) oioi is-- >> sphso theheoint i i-
the wrong way-- >> stephen: so, say i'm turning 40. >> wow, if you're turning 40, you look like crap. ( laughter )) >> stephen: yes. >> and if i say, i'm turni 59, people are l le, "wow!w!w! yololo prerey gogo for 59! >> stephwell, you pretty good for 50! uou lo prettgood f any age! ( chchrs and applause ) >> thank you. >>tephen: did i untand yoyo plan was noto be e actress, that this thing was sort oa happy acnt for you, that you u re going to be an anthropolist? >> yes. >> stephph: like, at kind of anthropologist-- there is a lot of dferent anthropology out there. likekewere you going to study, likekenative peoples? -- y y! >> stephphally >> and i waseall- i was , ry gd at i sen: u gooatrolo? iy od ai .>>tephph: , ma hthe anthrology game wn! ughs) i can deal! do y wanto anthropojiziz >> i'm telling y >> stephen: let'do it. let's throw w wn, anthropology. like, how dodoou gooat thropology? i don't undetandnd i totally get yoyo tribal crts! ( laughter ) >ouou so o
it? kd d& antopolog well, ythorofclasc rololo. i i s dodoit ille, i wasve good atwas urututeoe. sso w didn't u go for ? >> i wasnggoororor a eny dad sasao me, "b"bore yoyobebemen angigi, you u ououo o c caill rtwithenenfff thththst (laer ) >> stephen: what doeoethatn?n? what does th m mn? >> that was my first thought. then it hit me and i thought,, oh! you know, academic- noofnse-- .pt it sororof---- wasnsn really cucuout-- >>teph you went to a ckil party??? w did you fi o o? >> n n n-- y y know whatat- ( ughter ) second problem-- >> steen: there is n craigilistininfor-- for anthropologists. so, you went, you hungut with these people-- >>o, i didt have to.o. i got it. got dadaid, iwh heemeant. s d, you kw, bse i was hiho'd fnd , kn? tesor fa-back
at the safce? >> no, that was ju a little ick i plpled on myad. but i think the advivi that he ve me, he said, on't do something becayou're good at it. do it bebeuse u're passiate out it a a y y wilge go at it." and aseay smart. at w gre ae. ppe so, dot kni an, i il to dteen: inwod ma a bett aopogt thnr. s sphenah? yeaea i think i'd be eat.>> sphen: give mf your favorite, like, "not a culture tt yourew up in" tha inreststyou.u. >> the tiwi indianofew guguea. >> seni knew>> iled at! laught)ri >>: i knew immte ahu woulhaeen anxtremely sexy anthrologist.( wow! ( cheers and alause ) >>teen: you reallyould have. you really would have. >> thank you stephen: yoyocould have playedourself later. ( lahter ) ll, tea, thank yououo muchchor being here. >> t bnk you for having . >> stephen: it's really been a pleasure. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you guys. >> stephen: "madam secretata"
central bsbs tea leoni is 73 yes oldl everody!y!we'll beight back! ( bandndlaying ) fm your dayaunt nhtdon't let i4 vipm givivhe heang slslneed helpg you lllleep and sleeee so your body cans u st.. l for heght'ee this is chick car. this is gay car. is is a shsht man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. is is a single,youn profeional'car. this`car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. smalal
( band playing ) ( chchrs and alausus ) sphen: welcome e ck, everybody.y.y. myext gut is now srrini inin ethehehes" on hbo. ( baby c cing ) >> wt happen! what is this? oh, god. can you not put the carton bacac screaming )) >>teph: please welcome amanan peet! ( cheersndpplause ) ( baba playing )& >> hi! hi e eryrye! >> stephen: what an amazazgly beautiful ess. oh, well, tnk you. >> stephen: itooks like it's stitited together with flolors. it's azing. s like big quilt. a big doily. ( ughter) >> stephen: it's'sovelel exactly. >> whyo i-- yeahi should just stop talking. >> s sphen: no, not at all. you have to t tkingor thenext seven minut, at least. >> o o oy.
yours-- >> thank you >> stephen: d i i ally love the ow, "togetetess." i'm a h he ofours >> stephen: that's verernice. we can just keep this for the next seven minutes a i iill be absoluly hpy as a cl. >> we' bore everyone to death. >>phen: yoyohave k ks of your own, righgh >> i io, iave three kiki, which is s st ofike the milliokids. >> steph: are you ing to g for a fourur? >> what!? >> stephenyoyore already in azone defense. u're already maximally convenened, so go for a fourth. >> no! i'i'44 y yrs old. i'm actually 44. ( eers and applause ) >> steteen: tea leoni is 8 years old! >> wow!!! she oks ho >> s: she isrizes! >> something! >> stephen: itititmazing"" i'i'ot to o t some of that >> no, there's no m/ t te to haveveny more chcldrenen >> stephbut yojust h------veot, li, year d.>>now,nd by thskin o o o s teeth h h ade it h ( ughter he a ltle miracle baby
( ughter ) i n't nt to ock anybyby. ll write it down forou. se you get the thihi andhehe thing goes l lthatyeah, at'sow i irks. (laughter at exaxaly@how it workrk nd o oworks that way. yway, we'll have this up on the web site later. (laug ) juststlick the "i'm over 18" button, and i'll show yoyothe little drawing. ( lalahter ) i didn't know, you could have adopted.d. i i n't ow. >> i have a really bad cou, and i was lili, , h no, he's g toake memeaugh! and th i'moing to have to--" >> steen: you have a bad cough? do you want a-- dodoou w wt a-a- i have ficola. do you wanana ricola >> se! >> steen: : cola! laughterer) there yogo. you knowowyou could d stear f paf yourress. ( ughter ) ((applse )@ there you go i haven'tohed it. thereryou uo. the you go glamour. such gmour. what t s hahaed? >tephen: at? >has happened? >> stephph: we're juju having fu >> oy. >> stephen: we're just having n!
blowinnoise ) lauger ) >> stephen: your i iustrtrus huhband isne of e ears of "game of thrones." >> his, yes. >>tephen: do you evevent t be o othatathow? >> yes, i do >> sphen: i want to be on th ow, , o. >>re you sious? >> stephen: : , man, yeah! i have the thing is, i iavenen watched d ch of it, i've read all the books. ani'm saving it until finish l e bobos, before i watch any of it. but i tched one episode, but my kid was in n e room and i was likele"i cant watch this epise." >> no, you canan. >> sphen: but, what wod yo want to othe showowow >> i jt-- i to be a swswdsman! s sphen: :kay. ( ughter >hat do you want to b b >> steen: i ntnto die a ally horriririath! yeah, me, too!" >> stephen: i nt tdie like this, g, "please, my lord, no!" >> righd, wi blood gurglinin >>teen: bloogurgling o ofy bobo. >> should d do it? >> stephen: yoyoand d could fight together on thshow. >> and maybe davidould put y on the s sw. >>teen: that would bebfun. >> can you die with english accent ( lalalaer ) >>tephen: please, me lord!
( lauger ) that good? ( applause ) >> david, davivi >> s sen: that's pttttttod-- th good enongh.. thatat gooooenevgh, me o o u'r hbo o ow, lled "togeerness which, as i said, i really love that show. i had one of the-- i had t duplass' over re the oer y.. urractct, a lot hehe peopletheir mid-life crisesin t tir 40s. >> yes. >>tephen: well, , u have a love life. what do you ow from the midi life crisis? is this a a retch for youo o! laught >> stephen: yodon't look le a person icrisisiso me. >> i-- i younow, 44 is realalal it's que g. hocome all theheomen othe pow arealalng about their ages tonight? p stephen: i don't knowow i don't know. ( laught ) hawas your csis? >> w wl,l,t's ongoing. ( laughter ) stephen: : , i'cahingou mid-crisis r rht now? >> yes. t, y y know how somemeen h h ddle agend aotorcye? well, i had bababa stephph: , okay.
>> steph: like your rcle >>rymyittlel toycle. >> steteenat'sovthat'sy. well, atu- >>e keeps me-- >>teph: what do you wo out? ipipanmid-d-fe crisisi n like "fafa y yr r n--?" >> feaeadeatat >> steph: ath?h? yes. >> s s qenenokay. well, maybe-- let's-- i wondeaboutu- >> ste: all die. we all die. >> r r. >> steen: keept light. we allie. ((laughter ) 's a late-nightalklkhow,w, keep it light. ep it ligh ybe yougll go toeaveve mamae you wiwiiend go heaven that's where need help,bebeuse you're catlic, rightht >> stephen: i am, i am >> and i'm jewisis so we're the sasa ((laughter ) >> stephen: : nd$of, yes, ththths are ththjews stiaty ughter ((applau >> wl, what li >>&steph: so whadoou nd? ito kwhwt to lie in! - sphen: like what ppenen when youie? yes, i don't want to bebe bag of dust! >> sphen: well, ah, - >> i want to haunt my children! ( laught )
you diwhat?! lyke tha i wandavid and totobe ghosts, in the-- phen: ke in, lik "beetlejejej ( laughter ) do you knoat, don't know what happenene ve got theholele i kind of believe, i kin want th pearly ges and all that. >> that's at i want! >> stephen: i want all of that. ipwant c cssic. give me classsc c ke h hven, i at i iajt. >> yes. >>pheni a m m -- t 4d-i haa a mthat i i id and i i and-- ananan- this reay hahaeneded i go to h hn, avenens ke, insteaeaof crossing the`river styty you had to cross a reay niceceollyod pool and there wasasasow bt being pued by dwayby "th " " so ( applausese) ((.uguger ) nothat's what t ppened! and d l i could think about-- all i coulthink about is thatat ias worried-- do o ey have diet coken heavenen beuse i rely have a diet coke p pblem. >> stephen, this is rely not inspirational. >> stephph: not heing? (ughter ) well, amanda, is h h been lovely, so nice to h he yoyo here. plse come agai wheheyou're
lalahterer) cacai shake your hd and then put some purell ont? ( seasonwof "togetheess" prieres sunday on hbo. amanda peeee everybobo! 'll be right bac ( cheers and a aus) (band playing ) hi, i'd d ke to make a dep-p- scan scan item. rescan, rerean. scanantem. vo: it happens often u almomo get usedo it phone voice:e:in menu presestative representatave. reprentative. vo: whishy beininpuput....., relax, we e t th v.: ...takes s ue getting used to. joininin nation. nationwide is oyo sid reentative. 3d touch on ipho 6s respondsto the prereurof your fing.so you can do a totoof stuff in aot less time. ke loo a se withouougoto it. or watch a video without opening it.
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luxury cars just seem like they woulde top awarded. there betttt be so award behindndhat you are yiyi forght.t. the final answer. chevevthehmost award cararcompany twowyearin a row. wow,t's like a luxury ca was shococd.. i mean it's like, this is s ev current qualified gm lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this chevy c`uze limited for around17per r nt findndew roads at ur local c cvy dealer. op kohl'.. ay n nht owls d saturdrd earlyibds. for t e new sonomaoooo for lifeolction... sasasy0 to 60% oeryd parerefohim m d foher... and 40for the ki. ven ma for yoyoyoo)too. plus getetetl's s . . so my kidsdson't have to forage, got two jobs to pay a mortge, and i've alslsgot a brain. life'short, talk is chchp. i'lle working while yoyosleep. ilililn't think i've got brain? you u inina resume's enough?
( band playing) ( cheers a a appppus ) >> stephenwelcome back, everybod next guest tot is of america's ading canine comedians, now re-innting himsf asas politic commentator: >ey, onenqueson!& over here!e! senator! is i iue you tried do shut down t govovnmt you go to a nickelback concert? >> no wa all right,'m neveroing to gegeto this guy.
( lauguger hey,`cruz!z! up hereru m m n awayorerer! >> stephen: plse welcome triuh, t t inst comic dog. ((cheeee and appuse ) >> thaou very much thank thank you!u!u! >> steteen: thanan for being here. >> it't#my pasure! w's the show going? >> stephenenyo- - ll, han't you atchchg it? > n i'm s s s. i-i wawawahtooping aaiai teteier backstage.e.e. i yso it befori'm on.it's a pre-show tip i got from bill mahr. ( laughterer)) a litt rititl i do >> stephen: well,, cocoratulations onhe new special-m%it's on-- it's on-- ( ughs ) >> tha you! e new special on hulu! here, give it baba.
huhu!(laugerall l l favoritnek shows with all iour favorite commmmmmals s well! huhuhu (laughtht stephen: w,w,ou'v'vgot great t vis! >> i'vgotten amazing r riews! steen: you'u' got fantataic viewew >> incredible e views, everywherere >> steen: e you getting these good revivws just use the ow's good or a youou ibing these gugu? >> wait a a nute! terri i t a gogo review, i to one critic a nicotoo y peal stata of dog porn.tephen: these are actual photos that you have sent to critics-- >> because i tweed this out to--ho's this one ? >teen: ----o said n ne ings to you? th is somee >> dumb blon. phen: someone fromomhe "newewk star ledge" > the decider. oh, , thiss the sepinwall, alal sepwall. was very gratul. i dohihito motivatatother crics to write reviews, th's all. these are rewards. >> stephen: here's-- here's-- here's o o you sent to a blogger.r.r. yey, e decider. it was an excellent review. >> sphen: and thisne you actually sent judd apow.
>> he retweeted, said my show wawahihiriouou ( hter you knkn, i w nto encocoagag the showbiz counity. >> stephen: okay, so you're tryi to be-- you're trying to be like an honest-t-od journalist? u're gng outhere and-- ectlyly >> sphenenand u'ovg e caaign as if you were urnalist. >> yes.s tephen: : t the you'u' doing are prtytyow b bw. you haveo adadt--- oh, really!y! just think, millions of tvs are@ ned in to the ow rht now because the whole nation fl asasas during "elemeneary." ((lalahter ) >> stephen: you'veveotten into the race a little bit ter an otr r ople. are thtpe e y other people w hahe alrlrdyropppp oututf e race whoou mis >> yes, i interactith a lot of thein the speci, but sincen, , ris chieieie dropped ou i'm sorry about thah. >tephphphyes, last t t . >> i'm worrieded now that h hs norunning fopresident,'m worried chris ri might let himimim go. ( lauger
he's out of the race, he still has a $100,0-a-p-pte dinner schedud. morrow at denny's, by himself! ( laughtht ) (m shot ) now, s s, that's a joke i dodot make anymore! that'she old triumph! >> stephen: thatats-- that is-- ughs ) >> t new joualist triumph!h! >> stephen: well, what about carly fiorina? >> i never got-- >> stephenencarlrlfiora has dropd d t as well. >> i inow, i bumumd out becausi never got to meet carly faceo ce-lift.t.( rim shot ) ( lahterer) s sphen: sosoar everythang you' tked about are reblicans. are you la in ur crititism of people?? do you have any idea of thee state ofhe democrats? what abo sanders? >> bernie, yeah, i don't get it. bernieie01 that's crazy. the madoesn'n'look a aear overer 2p00!! ((m shot ((laughder )>>ph: it doesn't seem like you're taking th job ously. you se likyohave you done your research? >> are you kiddie?! >v stephenjnjnam not kididng you. >> have i nonodo msear? do you rlize, i went to io, new hampshire, i studiededvery
their books! >teph: rely, evy book? >> everyook. wowod you like to see them? stephphphyes i wod, triumph.h. >> all right, ll, here, look.. hehe a book i read. i i ad donald trump, his run's making history, and he's makinghihiory withthis updated new bookokpride d ude: n n e e e"e"y natrp.( apauseflorida rn jebus he stillopes hwill be the next president of 1600 penn. read about hisisisiofor the country, in "leading to courage--" u're n n goingngo sh it?t? lalahter ps vion for theheountry, "leading to courage, arici, freedom, future, ah, ( blp ) it, i'm ou" by jeb busus i did my research! i did mymyeyearch! let no oneneay i did not do my rese! stephen: :tririph's election@ ec2016" is now streaming hulu. we'll be righthtack.