tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 18, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
>> stephen: good evening. before we begin the show tonight, i need to address a controversy. last night's republican national convention keynote speaker melania trump has been accused of plagiarizing portions of her speech from michelle obama's appearance at the 2008 democratic convention. now, personally, i don't think all. i think her speechwriters are to blame, and yet no one has lost their jobs. if only there was someone in the trump campaign who enjoyed firing people. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, i don't talk about this a i don't talk about this a lot, but donald and melania and i are friends. which is why tonight, "the late
exclusive appearance by mrs. trump to address the controversy. so, please welcome melania trump. ( cheers and applause ) i understand you have a statement. >> yes, that is true. >> stephen: and this statement was written by the same staffers who wrote last night's speech? >> yes, i wrote it. >> stephen: well, ma'am, the floor is yours. >> my fellow americans--
--this is truly the best of times, it is the worst of times. ( cheers and applause ) i did not plagiarize my speech last night. i would never do such a thing. i would not, could not with goat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i could not, would not on a boat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that is because i learned honesty during my humble upbringing-- in west philadelphia, born and raised. ( cheers and applause )
on the playground is where i spent most of my days. so to those who say i stole my speech, i say, give me a break. give me a break. break me off a piece of that kit kat bar. ( cheers and applause ) they may be able to take our lives, but they will never take our... freedom! ( cheers and applause ) i'm as mad as hell and i'm not going to take it anymore. you've got to fight for your right to party.
boom goes the dynamite. hakuna matata. ba da ba da da-- i'm loving it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( applause ) oh, and one more thing-- live from new york, it's saturday-- >> stephen: no! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes keegan-michael key, kathryn hahn, and n.a.f., featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump, starring donald trump as the republican party!
( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much! thank you! please! welcome to "the late show," everybody, live from the ed sullivan theater! here in new york city. ( rs i'm your host, stephen colbert. also live right now. i want to thank melania for stopping by to set the record straight. and broadway star laura benanti, for some reason. ( applause ) let's get straight to the big news tonight-- folks, the republican delegates officially elected their nominee. spoiler alert for anybody who doesn't want to know how the republican party ends-- it's
now, as is tradition, each state voted, and we learned the kinds of things that normally you can only get by opening 50 bottles of snapple. >> american samoa, the greatest exporter of n.f.l. players. >> arkansas, birthplace of johnny cash and al green. >> kentucky, the home of churchill downs and american pharaoh, the source of bluegrass music. home to the oldest state capital in continuous use. >> missouri, the birthplace of talk radio. >> nebraska, the number one beef producing state in the union. >> the great state of connecticut-- i come from the land where we manufacture pez. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i don't know, that's what he claims, but i'm pretty sure pez comes from darth
and the moment trump secured the nomination to send him over the top, the celebration kicked off in style with a giant gold screen that declared "over the top!" which was either declaring victory, or indicating the direction trump combs his hair. and then faced with this new reality, the certainty that trump was the nominee, speaker paul ryan stepped up to the mic and eloquently expressed the feelings of so many americans. >> shhhhhhh-- >> stephen:--it! ( cheers and applause ) having secured the nomination, trump then briefly addressed america from the lobby of his bathroom. >> we're going to restore law and order, we have to restore, and quickly, law and order, among many, and just so many
restore law and order and many, so many other things! "law and order: criminal intent," and "law and order: special victims unit." they're all good shows. we miss you, mariska hargitay! and trump knew just how monumental the night was. >> together we've achieved historic results, with the largest vote turtle in the history of the republican party. >> stephen: no, your ears don't deceive you, he did say "vote turtle?" not a flub. that was not a flub. he was just introducing the next speaker-- senator mitch mcconnell. ( applause ) he's the largest vote turtle! he's the largest vote turtle in america! mcconnell spoke from the theme of "make america work again." that was the theme tonight.
theme tonight-- donald trump, jr. and tiffany trump both provided examples of how hard- working americans just need to roll up their sleeves and be born into a billionaire's family. it's that simple. okay? pull yourself up by your dad's boot straps, and they're nice boot straps. they're the best. diamond-encrusted, four-star boot straps. ( applause ) and new jersey governor chris christie-- ( laughter ) yes,ay christie opened with some very nice words about the nominee. >> we are proud to be led by not only a strong leader but by a caring, genuine and decent person. >> stephen: yes, certainly not the kind of guy who promises you vp slot and then leaves you hanging from wednesday night until friday morning! a decent man wouldn't do that! then chris christie really fired
>> hillary clinton is the awful judge and character of a dictator butcher in the middle east, is she guilty or not guilty? >> audience: guilty! guilty! >> hillary clinton as an inept negotiate of the worst american arms deal in american history is she guilty or not guilty? >> audience: guilty! guilty! guilty! >> stephen: chris christie promising terrifying show trials with no presentation for the defense, spooky or not spooky? >> audience: spooky! >> stephen: y'all are spooky. now, folks, say hi to jon batiste and "stay human"! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
big night. >> jon: big night. >> stephen: it's a big night. it's a big night. it is now official. there it is. trump is the nominee. you cannot uncarve that pumpkin. you cannot uncandy that yam. what i don't understand is, yeah, we knew this was going to happen, but there was supposed to be a floor fight. there was supposed to be chaos, bikers chain-whipping the rules committee. ted cruz trying to cut out reince priebus' eyeball wi broken bottle. we were promised excitement! but none of that happened. they voted. he got it. that's it. let me illustrate to you how-- no, no, there is still excitement out there. let me illustrate to you how boring this was. we've got a social media team on the ground in cleveland all this week, and yesterday for two hours on facebook live, they streamed footage of the condiment station at the convention.
stuff like that. half a million people watched delegates putting ketchup on their hot dogs. proving what we already knew, the republican party is a bit of a sausage fest. ( applause ) ? ? then-- this is true-- then-- this is true-- an hour and 50 minutes in, our condiment cam caught fox news anchor bret baer-- friend of the show-- filling a water bottle with it's absolutely true! ( laughter ) jimmy, play that again. there he is pumping two pumps of mustard into his bottle. and he kind of looks around before he leaves! ( laughter ) why is bret baer hoarding mustard? what does he know that we don't know? i can't judge the man. we report, you decide. but i will say this is the
and a screen you can touch. and even write on. when you see a computer that can do all that, it might just make you wonder... hey, what else can it do? ? constipated? trust number one doctor recommended dulcolax use dulcolax tablets for gentle overnight relief ef in minutes and stool softeners for comfortable relief of hard stools. dulcolax, designed for dependable relief ? never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. america thought our pancakes were pretty special. but we knew we could do better.
when i saw donald trump attack another gold star mother, i felt such a sense of outrage. "she was standing there, she had nothing to say..." if donald trump cannot respect a gold star family, then why would anyone in america think he would respect them. votevets is responsible for the content of this advertising. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! well, one of the things you say about trump's campaign is he has surprised a lot of people with the breadth of his appeal across the country. he won more votes than anyone
african-americans. in fact, even though the convention is in cleveland, according to the latest polls, donald trump has 0% support from black voters in ohio. ( cheers and applause ) 0%! goose egg! 0%! that's the same rotten tomatoes score as "leprechaun 4: in space," which is unfair because i happen to know that leprechaun has never declared bankruptcy. but there is at least one african-american person attending the convention. we got a hold of him. please welcome, live via satellite from the quicken loans arena, frank walters. ( cheers and applause ) thanks for being here, frank! good to see you! ( cheers and applause ) wow! >> i'm excited!
look at this festive atmosphere! whoo-wee! >> stephen: you do seem happy, frank. you do seem happy. now, frank, you're an african- american... >> so they tell me! >> stephen: and are you having a fun time this week, frank? >> it's been amazing. chris christie burned a witch earlier. ben carson was just juggling brains. i didn't know it was going to be this entertaining! gee willikers! te with all the street lingo there, frank. it's a family show. >> oh, heck, i'm sorry! >> stephen: how does it feel being one of the few african- americans there? >> you know, it's incredible, stephen. from the moment i got here, everyone is so nice. they gave me a hat, they gave me a shirt, they're always putting me on camera for some reason! i've never been so popular in my life! ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow, that's really nice. >> yeah! people keep coming up to me and
they keep on saying, you're one of the good ones. you're articulate, you're bright, i mean the compliments keep on rolling in, stephen. they even invited me to all these different parties. they keep saying, "we need you there!" it's amazing! >> stephen: well, you do look like you're having a good time. what drew you to the convention? what is it fiscal conservati was it more social conservatism? >> oh, i just came by here looking for pok?mon. that's all i was doing. ( cheers and applause ) hey, i think i see one! what, officer? no, it's just my phone. put my hands behind my head? what? >> stephen: frank, is everything okay? >> hold on, stephen. i'm confused. do you want me to freeze or do
can a toothpaste do everything well? this clean was like - pow. it felt like i had just gone to the dentist. my teeth are glowing. they are so white. crest [hd]. 6x cleaning, 6x whitening. and at two weeks superior sensitivity relief to the leading sensitivity toothpaste. i actually really like the two steps! crest [hd]. step 1 cleans, step 2 whitens. it's the whole package. no one's done this. crest - healthy, beautiful smiles for life.
(? ?) fact. people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. why be in the kitchen when you can be in the moment? olive garden now offers catering delivery. we make the food and deliver it to your door...
>> we're auditioning on thursday for "weekend live." >> congrats, man. >> thanks, man. >> you know which bits you're gonna do? >> we just heard, like, ten minutes ago. >> you got to do alex rodrigues in the cell phone star. >> i forgot all about that one. >> you got to do rock when the rock loses all the way. >> slim fast rock. >> the pebble. can you smell what the pebble' >> not much, and that's why i lost the weight. >> stephen: please welcome keegan-michael key! ( cheers and applause ) ? i'm a soul man ? ? i'm a soul man ? ( cheers and applause ) ? i'm a soul man ? >> stephen: hey! nice to have you on, man. you just missed it, we had
had a good time at the convention. >> seemed like the audience was really concerned for him at the end there. >> stephen: well, you know, things being what they are. >> things being what they are. >> stephen: i'm going to talk about the movie in just a second because i'm interested in improv and you and i are both out of chicago. >> second city of improv. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and before we do that-- do you actually follow politics or are you following the conventions? >> i'm trying to watch as much of the conventions as i can be excitement. >> stephen: exactly, blood sport. >> yes. >> stephen: what do you think of trump as an improviser? people get disappointed when he's on script and they love it when he flies off the cuff. >> i think the thing is he's a very good stream of consciousness improviser. he doesn't follow all the improv rules, but the other day he was in a place where he was speaking somewhere else in ohio and said we're going to do this, we're gonna do that, that and the
mosquito? you guys see this mosquito? look at the mosquito. the mosquito's going high. get out of here, mosquito. i've had enough of you, mosquito, where's the money? >> stephen: did he say where's the money? >> where's the mosquito's money? is he going to support the campaign? but what was interesting was he was doing a lot of exploration and not a lot of heightening. just kept on saying "mosquito" over and over again. but then he went off the rails, the mosquito is here, the mosquito is on the wall, the ceiling, the ceiling is high, it's a wall, not as high as my wall will be. >> stephen: flies from one thing to another. >> so the mind is free, it's nimble. it's not sane, but it's nimble. >> stephen: "mind is free" is a kinder way of saying unhinged. >> unfettered mind. >> stephen: unfettered. if he doesn't govern the way he speaks-- i wonder the way he would govern if he became president of the united states because it's possible.
becomes president of the united states, he will spend every single day going, where's my scepter? i haven't gotten my scepter yet! >> stephen: it's gold. >> it's gold, it should be near the throne. this is just a regular chair. >> stephen: do you get the same impression, when he calls into television shows and there's a photo up there, that he's just on the toilet? because that's where people mainly have their cell phones. i'm on the throne right now. >> i'm on the throne right now. we're gonna win big, we'rena win huge, we're gonna win gigantic-- and then. >> stephen: flush! >> yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what about hillary? any thoughts? >> here's the thing. hillary's going to be fine. i think it's going to be boiler plate as far as the convention goes. i can't wait for the debates. the debates are what i can't wait for. i can't wait for the debates. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, that will be fantastic. >> because hillary tries to hide it but sometimes hillary does great eye rolls, sometimes if you watch. good old fashioned steve harvey
somebody gives him a name answer he says, something you don't find in the cupboard! and somebody goes, elephant! and he just goes-- ( laughter ) like hillary, i can't wait for that. "i'm going to live on a cloud," and then hillary is-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: i hope she's watching. you should advise her! >> i just want to turn and say, ( cheers and applause ) i just want to see good old- fashioned norman feld, you know, circa 1983 "three's company." ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, the movie is called "don't think twice," and it's about-- written by mike burbiglia.
comedy troupe, an improv troupe-- i was a member of an improv troup. >> so was i. >> stephen: they always have odd names like third rail comedy. >> my favorite is from an old cast member of yours, hans christian "yes-and"-erson. the group i'm still in, i have been in a group for 15 years that comes out of the second city detroit we're called the 313. >> stephen: there was one in chicago i liked called a cart of giant, called l.b.j.f.k.k.k. >> i love them. >> stephen: this is kind of like your life because it's about a guy who gets sort of plucked from a small improv and he can't make a living at all. >> and there are autobiographical elements to the film in regard to my life and career. but the biggest thing that's kind of hard is every rule of improv is the exact opposite of
got your back, i'm there for my partner. serve the other person. >> stephen: i follow the follower of the servant. you're more important than i am. >> the opposite of show business. >> stephen: exactly! get out of my way! >> i need to be a star! ( laughter ) >> stephen: you went from improv and now you're a star. you must know what this guy is going through because he doesn't know how to feel or talk to the rest of the troupe because he went big time and he sort left the family. >> he's left the family, it's a family that he's made. and there's an ambivalence that he has so he's trying to get everyone from his troupe, all jobs on the show he's on. the problem is he's on the show, trying to get them jobs and everyone on the show is "don't get fired your first year. just you, don't worry about your schmuck friends, just you don't get fired." he's caught between the two worlds and doesn't know what to do. >> stephen: he's saying yes, and. basically the only rule of improv.
>> agree and add on to it. >> stephen: exactly. and i add on to that. ( laughter ) but that can be the whole philosophy to live your life. when you were, like, a young improviser, did you find that affecting the way you would live? >> yes, every day. we would finish the show and someone would say, do you want to go to the bar? yes, and let's drink lots of drinks. >> stephen: what's that you want me to put in my mouth? yes, and let's have another round. >> young people should never restrict and say yes to everything. i think it does work as a rule when you feel uncomfortable about something. if there's a place where you can grow in life, maybe that's good. maybe don't yes and everything. would you care for more heroin? yes, and-- maybe don't yes and that. but in regard to being cooperative and doing something collaborative with other people, it's super helpful. >> stephen: did you teach improv? >> i did.
interrupting you-- i found out-- because it's all about me, baby! ( laughter ) you have to reveal to them what they can already do. >> exactly. they used to say michelangelo's statue is already inside that slab of granite, you've just got to let it out. you've just got to let it out. >> stephen: dude, you're blowing my mind, man. ( laughter ) i have to ask-- something happened, you were at college receiving an honor from a comedy group. >> yes, i was. >> stephen: at harvard university and one of our interns here karen chi was there. and do we have the footage? this was you and you kissed this young man and there you go, karen is right behind you, and here we go, and-- now you-- kiss karen.
we got to go. ( cheering ) so, karen, we got to go! what was it? so you put a heavy smooch on her. >> yeah. >> because i was just ending the scene. >> stephen: what was the scene about? got to go. make it quick. >> my friend had an affectionate grandfather who smooched everyone who lived on the street. >> get lip locked by keegan-michael key? >> it was very exciting. i actually only had kissed one other boy in my life prior to that. ( cheers and applause ) ? i used to tell everybody 50% of my kisses were with keegan- michael key. >> stephen: yes and, my friends! "don't think twice" comes out this friday. keegan-michael key, everybody!
an even bigger collision. for every robbery... a heart that's been stolen. for every fire... a dozen flames. and for every tailspin... well, tailspins. state farm understands that getting the most out of life doesn't just mean being there when things go completely wrong. it's about being here... here... and here... in all of life's moments. when things go perfectly... right.
? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! my next guest tonight is a classically-trained actress who peed in a urinal in "stepbrothers." her new movie is "bad moms." >> looking good, jeff. >> oh, thanks. >> yeah, you have been working out? >> no, not for, like, ten years. >> your beige windbreaker is really lighting up my board. >> oh, thanks. >> do you know what i mean? my vagina. bye, jeff! >> stephen: please welcome kathryn hahn! ( cheers and applause )
>> hi, you guys! happy conventions. >> oh, thank you. thank you. >> stephen: thank you for being here on the live show. i've got to ask you, as long as we're talking about the conventions, is this true you're fromve >> i am. >> stephen: do you still have family back there? >> my whole fam-damily is there. >> stephen: all right. >> everyone is there. in the '80s there was an ad campaign, if new york's an apple, cleveland is a plum, which was our city's ad campaign. >> stephen: that's nice. >> yeah. >> stephen: do they like the fact the convention is there? what's it doing to the city? >> they're in the suburbs. my dad, i mean, i think both are very excited about the cleaning up of public square, they keep talking about.
oh, honey, i'm not going anywhere near there, the guns and the gas masks, i mean it's nutso! >> stephen: how many weekends a year do you spend at the rock and roll hall of fame? >> i have never gone! >> stephen: really? no! >> stephen: they've got like things jimi hendrix touched there. >> my mom says i'm not spending 25 bucks to see a sweaty t-shirt under plexiglass. >> stephen: it's apparently a pretty cool place. >> yeah, apparently it's amazing. what do you thinis between donald trump and melania right now? if you were married to donald trump-- keep breathing-- if you were married to donald trump, and he and his staff were to let you tell a speech that clearly had parts that had been cribbed, would you lay into him? >> well, i mean, obviously that woman has infinite, unfathomable
for that many years! ( cheers and applause ) i don't understand it. i mean, i feel like she would be-- >> stephen: love. >> it's real, true love. >> stephen: it is. >> it is. i feel like i might be working a melania eye today. >> stephen: you have a little smokey shadow going on. >> it's an easy look for a simple mom on the go. >> stephen: you're a mom yourself. give up trying to be perfect and just let her rip. >> and just let it rip, turrrt! ( laughter ) >> stephen: just fun. ( laughter ) how many kids do you have? >> 19 and counting. >> stephen: you wear it well. thank you. >> stephen: mm-hmm. >> i have two kids. >> stephen: ages? >> about to be 7 and 9.
>> stephen: are you a good mom or a bad mom, in your opinion? >> stephen, i'm doing the best i can. i'm doing the best i can. i'm doing the best i can. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, i definitely remember when my son was not even a year- - i mean, he was a little teeny baby, teeny, crying so hard. i was, like, what's happening? i was sweating profusely, he wasn't eating and i said, what's what's the matter? this is my bad mom story. i literally opened his diaper because i thought he was sensitive to urine because i had been letting him sit in it for days. >> stephen: you were pickling him. >> the littlest one of my hairs had wound itself around his balls, like, five times. ( laughter ) horrible mother!
almost castrated my son. >> stephen: you think you wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. i don't understand. i don't understand. your son is going to say to the therapist, i don't know why i'm attracted to mesh briefs, i don't understand why this is a thing for me! ( laughter ) >> yes, motherhood. >> stephen: so much is asked of moms, and you're a working mom, you know. >> yes. >> stephen: you're an actress in demand. do you feel like, oh, my god, i have to make a choice at times? >> no, it's very clear. it's my career, stephen. what are you talking about? ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, you've got to. you don't have a choice. >> no, no. i don't know what mom doesn't wake up in the morning and thinks when they have to leave for work, that, ah! something doesn't feel right about this! of course you want to... it's sucks but i'm lucky enough to have a gig.
them to set and told them, mommy's going to pretend for a while, don't ever do the things mommy's going to pretend to do. >> it's so awkward. they just like the craft service table. >> stephen: have you been with them when you're with a pretend child? >> they get it. they've never seen anything i've done ever. because they can't. mommy's body of work is not meant for children, but they get it, and, you know, they're circus kids. they were brought up in a circus and are terrific. >> stephen: i didn't let my daughter see my work in the old days, especially when i was playing a character. and she was quite young, and i was on the phone one day, i was doing the character into the phone one day saying pretty terrible things in character when we were writing the script. i got off the phone and she had been watching me for like 20 minutes, like this-- ( laughter ) and then she said, i think i understand-- you don't mean what
[bell rings] i like to use my backpack as a basketball! i use mine as a science experiment! as an emergency umbrella. to help feed a friend. a drum solo! i just use my backpack for books and stuff. embark backpacks. guaranteed for one year. first kid you ready? by their second kid, every mom is an expert, and more likely to choose luvs than first time moms. new luvs with nightlock plus absorbs wetness faster than huggies snug & dry, to help stop leaks - even overnight.
excuse me...i think there's a misprint. oh. model year end clarence event. looks right to me. shouldn't it be clear- and a reward card on this turbocharged jetta. gotta make room for the 2017 models. it is a clarence event. why is that so hard for people to understand? it seems clar to me. clear to me. ready for a test drive? whatever you want to call it, don't miss the volkswagen model year end event. hurry in for a $1,000 volkswagen reward card and 0% apr on a new
? never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. ? (humming) ? so you're up at dawn, ? ? k, , look alive. ? (chuckling) good luck with that, dave. ? you made the most of your retirement plan, ? ? so you better learn to drive that rv, man.? ? so many things you're doing in your life. ? ? thursday through sunday at kohl's... ?get great savings on the tees? they need for back-to-school... and kohl's cash for you!
use your kohl's cash later on just
about anything online and in store! now that's the good stuff. kohl's. i'm catherine cortez masto and i approve this message. four years ago i was diagnosed with breast cancer but early treatment saved my life. so i'm really outraged that joe heck voted ten times to defund planned parenthood which thousands of nevada women depend on for cancer screenings. congressman heck even threatened to shut down the federal government
>> stephen: and now, making their network television debut, please welcome n.a.f. with jenny lewis, tennessee thomas and erika forster! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? don't close the door don't close the door ? shout it! don't close the door ? shattered daddy! don't close the door ? and you get what you want
? all the wisdom that comes to you in your dreams ? and if you believe in peace and love ? and the blessings and the blessings above ? don't close the door shout it! ? don't close the door shattered daddy! ? we are so close shout it! ? don't close the door doo-doo-do ? doo-doo-do doo-doo-do ? doo-doo-do doo-doo-do doo-doo-do doo-doo-do ? doo-doo-do
? doo-doo-do ? doo-doo-do ? don't close the door shout it! ? don't close the door shout it! don't close the door shout it! don't close the door ? all the ( bleep ) that we talk it's a smoke screen ? it's a waste of my time a waste of your being ? cus i wanna ride the white dove ? and the message and the message of love ? don't close the door shout it!
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! good night, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ? captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ) ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right ? it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from whitefish,