tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC August 9, 2016 10:35pm-11:35pm MDT
>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, from "suicide squad," cara delevingne. comedian jeff ross. and music from culture club. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: thanks, everybody, i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching, thanks for coming. we're in hollywood, more than
happening in cleveland. tonight, episode three of this incredible four-part reality series. featuring all of donald trump's family members and frenemies. even ted cruz gave a speech, although it was hard to hear what he was saying through all the crying. he did speak. eric trump took the stage, donald trump's son. donald trump jr. said his dad was his best friend, which is sweet and a little sad. instead his father taught him the value of hard work. i was watching this and i was imagining if my dad was running for president, and i had to give a speech about him. and i thought about it a long time. i think it would go something like this. i'd say, my dad taught me, the most important thing he taught me, when someone offers you his finger ands and you to pl it, don't. nothing good comes of it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but he's not going to be president. i will say, one of the things
refers to him as donald j. trump, like there's another donald trump we might potentially confuse him with. i guess adding "j" makes him sound more presidential? but i've thoroughly enjoyed everyone saying it. >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump. >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump! trump! >> donald j. trump. >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump. >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump! >> donald j. trump! >> jimmy: come here, mom. give me a hug. i don't know. the "j" is a big thing. and a lot of people don't realize, the "j" stands for jamal.
a lot of people say donald j. left cleveland and went straight to new york after his wife spoke, people think, but chris christie. watch kind of in the background. you will see -- [ laughter ] it just seemed like he wasn't there because that had an orange background and he blended in. but he was the i think the most unusual comments were made by former trump rival dr. ben carson. speaking with the clarity and eloquence of a prominent brain surgeon who is successfully able to perform a lobotomy on himself. [ laughter ] he made a connection between hillary clinton and lucifer, the devil. [ laughter ] for real. which by the way, nice job, ben. you spoiled their big announcement. lucifer is the running mate.
that's how you feel the bern. but maybe even more interesting than that, dr. carson's warning not to underestimate how damaging four years can be. >> we must also be wary of the narrative that's being advanced by some in our own party. the notion that a hillary clinton administration wouldn't be that bad, the effects would only be temporary. you know, that it would only last for four, and at most eight years. they're not god-given brain to think about what they're saying. because it won't be four or eight years. because she will be appointing people who will have an effect on us for generations, and america may never recover. >> jimmy: that's what he said about hillary clinton yesterday. this is what he said back in march about donald j. trump. >> even if donald trump turns out not to be such a great president, which i don't think is the case, i think he's going to surround himself with really
but even if he didn't, we're only looking at four years. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: interesting. i do want to say in defense of ben carson, a lot of people say crazy things when they're talking in their sleep. a good thing they have a doctor there. a dozen members of the california delegation somehow contracted the norovirus at the convention and had to be quarantined. the norovirus, if you don't know, it's uncontrollable vomiting and loss of bowel control. which it's basically what happens to chris christie every time he walks offstage after endorsing donald trump. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you probably know, donald's wife malaria trump -- melania trump -- [ laughter ] she's been accused of plagiarizing parts of michelle obama's speech for her speech. everybody in the trump camp denied this.
then a staffer called marilyn, nobody knows where she is, took responsibility, she apologized and offered to resign. her explanation is melania told her she admired miss obama, and that got confused and miss obama's words became a part of the speech -- basically the woman who wrote the things melania pretended to write, admitted she pretended to the thing melania pretended to right. confusing. [ cheers and applause ] here's my defense of melania. where's she from? slovenia. if you had to give a speech in sloveniaish, you might have to lift a few paragraphs in english too, okay? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: let's go outside for
that's guillermo. and guillermo is out on hollywood boulevard, armed with a barber chair, barber pole. and the electric razor. it's hot out there. >> guillermo: yeah, very hot, jimmy. >> jimmy: so tonight, to cool people off, guillermo's going to give free summer haircuts. okay? are you a licensed barb barber-tologist or whatever they call it? >> guillermo: not at all. >> jimmy: we did this once before, and there were no lawsuits. we decided to do it again. this is a person we met on the street today as a pedestrian. what is your name, sir? [ cheers and applause ] i'm sorry, i couldn't hear you. what is your name? >> tyler. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> michigan. >> jimmy: very good. you seem to have a lot of hair. >> i do. >> jimmy: are you proud of your hair? >> sure. >> jimmy: okay. are you ready to say good-bye to it? >> yes. >> jimmy: what do you do for a living, may i ask? >> i work in the cannabis industry. >> jimmy: oh.
so, we can test that hair afterwards, i guess, huh? >> it will not test clean. >> jimmy: so this is why you agreed to do this. guillermo, what are you doing? >> guillermo: i'm trying to see where i will start. >> jimmy: oh, okay. i like that you're -- i want you to take it seriously and really try to give him a good haircut, okay? try my best. >> jimmy: are you ready? >> i'm ready. >> jimmy: guillermo, dig in there. i should ask, how much do you want off the top? maybe we should have asked that first. >> i guess all of it. >> jimmy: yeah, i guess so. oh, boy. guillermo, you went real crazy. what number do you have that set on? >> guillermo: i think number 4. >> jimmy: guillermo -- that
>> guillermo: yeah, it does look good. >> jimmy: you keep doing that, we'll check back in later and see how tyler's hair looks. the republican national convention is a good place to hear people talk politics. and values and all that sort of thing. but for me there's one thing that brings me back year after year. and that is, white people dancing. the rnc is the world's premier caucasian amateur dance festival. so as a tribute to those whose booties shook this week, highlight reel that says all that needs to be said. ? white people dancing we love to clap and mix it up and snap ? ? we point like we're nodding and then we do karate ? ? sometimes a black friend will get in on the fun ? ? yeah white people ? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
oh, wow. you know what, it actually looks pretty good. i have to say. okay, on closer inspection, it does not look that good. yeah. all right. well, have you seen it yet? in the mirror yet? have you seen what has happened? >> not yet, but i don't have high hopes. >> jimmy: guillermo -- take a look. >> guillermo: perfect, huh? >> jimmy: it's a little bit uneven. >> guillermo: all right, let me fix it. >> jimmy: don't worry. i think we have some crazy glue here. we can put some of that back on. all right. that was pretty good. guillermo, you finish up and we'll get somebody else in the chair. >> guillermo: sure, jimmy, whatever you say. >> jimmy: sorry about that, tyler. think of all the money you'll save on shampoo. all right, tyler is stunned. we'll take a break. when we come back, i asked jeff ross, the roast master general
roast members of the staff when they were working. and he did do that. and we'll give another haircut too, so stick around, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ? this summer, t-mobile's throwing a galaxy free for all. right now get a free samsung galaxy for everyone in the family. and get 4 lines with 6 gigs each - for just 30 bucks a line. plus everybody gets unlimited streaming from their favorite services. don't wait - get a free samsung galaxy for everyone.
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>> jimmy: guillermo, you can't do this. i don't know, guillermo -- have you ever cut a woman's hair before? >> guillermo: no, never. >> jimmy: okay. i think it would be better if cara delevingne takes over. [ cheers and applause ] cara, have you ever cut someone's hair before? >> no. >> jimmy: okay. do you think you will do a better job than guillermo did? >> no. lady, do you have any ideas of how you might approach this? >> i think with my eyes closed might be fun. >> jimmy: you could lose an eyebrow. we don't want to do that. tell me about yourself. before we do this to your head. >> i'm from florida, and i love stepping out of my comfort zone. >> jimmy: oh, well. yeah. maybe you'll go into a manhole after this. [ laughter ] do you really love stepping out
>> oh, yes. that's why i'm doing this. >> jimmy: and do you trust cara to give you a good haircut? >> 100%. >> jimmy: okay, well. all right. cara, get to work, let's see what you can did there. let's tackle this. >> this way, right? >> jimmy: no -- okay, that -- oh, wow. okay, we're going -- yeah that's a good look right there. oh, wow. >> i think i'm quitting my day job. this is my thing now. >> jimmy: well. yeah. i guess so. i feel like there are going to be tears at the end. you know what? we'll come back to you guys. you keep working and don't rush, take your time. >> oh, i will. >> jimmy: all right, very good. not only is cara with us, jeff ross is with us. jeff, from the roasts on comedy
presents roast battle" on comedy central. his gift is making fun of people. he's devoted his life to this. i challenged him to go around our office and roast unsuspecting staff members. while they're at their desks. of course he accepted our challenge. and here it is. jeff ross roasts our office. >> jeff ross, the roast master general. i want to get in full roast mode for roast battle. so i thought i'd try to roast people around the office at "jimmy kimmel live." hey, guys. all right, what's going on, fellas? how you doing? tupac's cousin, chicken pac. and steven seagal if he let himself go. guillermo. hey! can i come in? >> guillermo: yeah, go ahead. >> i wanted to check out your office. wow. wow, it's like trump built a wall around just you. is this your fortress of siestatude?
this is like a hostage video right now. where's jimmy's office? >> guillermo: down here. cane show you? >> yeah. oh, hi. wow. what's your job? >> research. >> can i get a window seat on delta? jimmy, this guy's watching "james corden." >> jimmy: all right, let me have it. >> yagreat to see you, everything's working out for >> jimmy: yeah. >> can i take a look around? is this the window you jump out of when the ratings come in? oh, looking great. tonight's monologue? who's over here? >> jimmy: that's josh. >> how you doing, josh? look, a jewish comedy writer, who would have guessed it. >> jimmy: how do you know he's
me alone. >> this is ken, the producer of my segment tonight, this looks great. who's your decorator, al qaeda? like a pot doctor, if they raided you, you could be out here in five minutes. ken, thank you for being my producer, even though you're dressed as a limo driver. congrats on your "death of a salesman" suit collection. what do you do? >> casting. >> casting, wow. you look like amy winehouse, if she went to rehab. >> wow. >> better get out. wow, i find a pokemon. what are you here for, to watch better shows? how do you get to work every day, follow the yellow brick road? that looks great. i never met a dinklage before. oh my gosh. hi, gary. >> hey, jeff ross. >> wow. look at this place. where do you shop?
got a dishonorable discharge from the salvation army? this is great, i've never been on "hoarders" before. hi, jill. >> how are you? >> wow. wow, look at this office. this is amazing. is this where the rams are supposed to play? anyway, want to [ bleep ] on a desk? i love the way your boobs bounce up and down when you laugh. no, i'm talking to sal. i like your shirt. i didn't realize you worked as a pharmacist during the day. >> you went too far. >> no, no no! stop, stop! >> say uncle! say cousin! say something! >> no! i'm not giving in! that's my best hat! stop! you've got to be able to take a
being a good sport is essential to roasting! i never roast people unless they volunteer! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, jeff. let's check back in with cara and guillermo. oh, wow. hey, you know what it looks -- oh, no. oh, wow. wow. are you going to keep it like that? the before and after is quite a sight. >> o >> jimmy: well, i believe cara would accept a tip if you have any money in your purse. that looks beautiful. great job, cara. and we have a special something for you, just in case you don't like it. a make america great again hat. very cute, there we go. thanks, cara. thanks, guillermo. first of all, sitting in tonight, peter tickell is with us on the violin.
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>> jimmy: there we go. that's peter tickell sitting in with the cletones on violin. he's on tour with sting and peter gabriel. cleto and i saw the show sunday night. you were so phenomenal we said, we've got to get this guy on the show, so thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] you do you like better, sting or peter gabriel? >> i can't really comment on that. >> jimmy: but you have somebody in mind? when i ask the question? >> i like them both equally.
musicians. >> jimmy: all right. tonight, he's got a new show called "jeff ross presents roast battle" premiering next thursday night on comedy central, jeff ross is here. [ cheers and applause ] then, all the way from london, they are on their first world tour in more than 15 years, culture club from the samsung outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] because we missed them. tomorrow, viggo mortensen will be here, george lopez will join us, and we'll hear music from colin hay, and our friend jake byrd crashed the republican national convention. we will have the results oth our first guest tonight is a model-turned-actress with 31 million followers on instagram, and magic powers you will not believe. starting august 5th she stars alongside will smith, jared leto, and margot robbie in "suicide squad." >> enchantress.
>> meet the enchantress. everything we know about her is in your briefing packs. she has walked this earth for a very long time and will likely be here when wore long gone. >> this meeting is now a magic show? >> magic or not, this girl can do some pretty incredible things. go get it, girl. >> jimmy: please say hello to cara delevingne! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: great to see you. i always forget about the european thing with the two kisses. >> i was waiting. >> jimmy: you really seemed to enjoy cutting that woman's hair. >> there we go.
that haircut. >> i didn't know. i didn't know that was going to happen. it just glided through. >> jimmy: did you decide to give her the pigtails on the side? or was that her? >> i was going to leave the front, but guillermo screwed it up. >> jimmy: right, right. >> i went with it. i'm sorry, dude. i didn't mean to dog you. >> jimmy: he is unlicensed. it's very good to see you. >> i'm not, clearly. >> jimmy: i know you have a number of tattoos. i wanted to ask you about one in particular. this really attracted me, i will admit it. put that up on the screen. th's on the bottom of your foot, that's real, right? [ cheers and applause ] does this refer to the bacon we have for breakfast, or francis bacon? or some other bacon thing? >> any bacon is good. am i right? i think so. it's also bacon-colored. it's maroon as well, and dot dot dot, an open-ended
however you want to take it. it's also scratch and sniff. >> jimmy: really? your feet smell like bacon. >> i wish. >> jimmy: and i'm getting on the fact that you have a bacon tattoo you are not jewish? >> yes. >> jimmy: that's like a double whammy. >> i'm trying to become a vegetarian. >> jimmy: are you? >> maybe i'll make it veggie bacon. i live bacon but i love animals. >> jimmy: do they make veggie bacon? i guess they probably do. >> clearly, you love bacon. >> jimmy: i like regular bacon, from the pig. yeah well -- from the old pig. yeah. how do you like it cooked, crpy, medium? >> crispy. sometimes raw, if i want to lose some weight. i'm kidding. back in my modeling days -- no, no. chris christie -- >> jimmy: i saw "suicide squad" last night. >> you did? you've seen it before me. >> jimmy: i saw it before you? the next question, you won't have an answer for it.
screen with that, with powers and doing incredible things? i don't know that i would ever stop watching it. i really wouldn't. it's really like -- it's got to be really exciting. >> it's really weird. >> jimmy: did you know anybody in the cast before you started shooting the movie? >> no -- yeah. a little bit. like i met a few of them a couple times. >> jimmy: but nobody really close. do you feel like you're an actual unit in any way? >> 100%. yeah. we have a text thread called suicide squad for life and we talk basically every day. >> jimmy: really. >> yeah. >> jimmy: is will smith on this text thread with you? >> yes. yes. >> jimmy: he is. wow. seems like he'd be too busy for that. >> he makes time for the squad life. >> jimmy: i saw a video of you on i think your instagram. you're doing an amazing thing. put this up. here we go. this is a water bottle you put
>> i look possessed. this is why i got the part in "suicide squad." >> jimmy: this is her real superpower, getting up and standing. >> how many necks do i have? >> jimmy: without dropping the bottle. how did you develop this skill? >> this is an evian bottle, by the way. i don't know. at the end of the shoot, i was like, how can i get some attention? [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you! >> jimmy: could do it. >> i want to challenge you. >> jimmy: so we have these bottles. i've not practiced or anything. you may need to coach me through it. >> let's do it together. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. [ cheers and applause ] >> if i do this in heels and a dress? >> jimmy: that would be impressive. >> you've got to shake my hand. >> jimmy: all right. i get on the ground. >> no, no, no. you have to go down and come
>> jimmy: really? forget it. i'm not going to do that. i thought you started on the ground. okay. >> you're way too close to me. >> jimmy: i don't know where you are. >> i don't know where you are either. why are. >> jimmy: i'm looking up. >> this way. >> jimmy: all right. i've still got it on. [ laughter ] all right. i'm already down on the ground. now i have to get back up. which it's already starting to wobble. it's -- i still have it on. i still -- i haven't dropped it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] wow. wow. i did it! [ cheers and applause ] nicely done. cara delevingne, everyone. "suicide squad," august 5th in imax.
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our next guest is our country's greatest roaster since kenny rogers. his new show pits comedian against comedian, "jeff ross presents roast battle" premieres on comedy central next thursday night at 10:00 p.m. please say hello to jeff ross. [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: how you doing? >> this is so fun. >> jimmy: i'm happy to have you here. just want you to explain to the audience, they may not know what a roast battle is. >> two comedians going mike to mike in verbal combat. >> jimmy: you invited me to come see this at the comedy store a couple of weeks ago. it's unbelievably funny, it's so much funnier than people would even imagine, it's vicious, and the comedians usually kind of know each other. sometimes they don't. how did this start?
>> two comedians were in the parking lot, almost having a fist fight. brine moses, the referee, said don't fight, write jokes, come ck together and roast each other. >> jimmy: and they did? >> roast battle was born. >> jimmy: they went home and angrily wrote jokes about each other? >> in the end it brought them closer together. >> jimmy: they couldn't have been much farther apart. fistfighting in the lot. and this became a show. >> one of them was a stoner, and one of them was a stutterer. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. i don't remember their names. but i remember it took a long time to do the battle. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: tournament-style. >> yeah. what we're doing on comedy central is a march madness-style bracketed tournament. 16 comedians from 4 different countries, roasting each other, one-on-one, it's like a home run derby of roasting. they research each other, do their four or five best jokes. sometimes it goes to sudden death. and you're judging it.
>> jimmy: the semifinals. it will be held in montreal, at the just for laughs festival. >> crazy. >> jimmy: that's going to be a lot of fun. what do i have to do as a judge? >> here are the rules. the rules of roast battle are original material only. you look for originality. no yo mama jokes. nothing off the internet. it's a joke writer's showcase. the art of the roast joke. >> jimmy: okay. >> number two. nothing is off limits. you can cut deep. no chill, but no physical contact. you can't touch the other person until the end. every battle ends with a hug. >> jimmy: okay, and that's -- so for me, i just sit there and make sure the material seems to be original. >> your job is to get wasted and decide who is funnier. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, good, all right. that's what we do anyway. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you have roasted -- how many times have you roasted donald trump? >> i've roasted donald trump -- i guess twice officially. >> jimmy: twice officially. >> and one time he flew we down to his resort to make fun of him
>> jimmy: i see. and did he react well to that? because he's notoriously thin-skinned, right? >> i'm still alive. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: was there anything off-limits? when he asks you to do that? >> he's very odd in a certain thing. you can make fun of his hair, his appearance, the fact that he could be our first orange-american president. none that have bothers him. what bothers him is jokes -- you could even make fun of his family, he doesn't care. what hurts is if you make the fact that he has gone bankrupt in the past. >> jimmy: that he doesn't like? >> that's the one thing he's super sensitive about. >> jimmy: really? >> you can't make fun of how much money he's lost. >> jimmy: did he say something to you about it? >> the writers were sending him his jokes. one of them said, what's the difference between a wet squirrel and donald trump? and the punch line was, a wet squirrel doesn't have $2 billion. and he wrote back, said make it $10 billion. >> jimmy: really?
it became a business negotiation. they settled on $7 million. he didn't care they were making fun of his hair. >> jimmy: have you ever roasted hillary clinton? >> that would be fun. i would like to see donald trump and hillary clinton not debate but have a roast battle. [ cheers and applause ] in a weird way i have been thinking lately. if donald trump does become president, you could be vice president but roast master general gets he's going to be like, i need four insults about north korea by 3:00! >> jimmy: that is definitely the area in which he would excel. >> it was a very surreal plane ride. >> jimmy: with donald trump? what was weird about it? >> i called it hair force one. we chitchatted. he's a good listener. we watched a movie. >> jimmy: what movie did you watch? >> "american history x". >> jimmy: oh, really?
i don't know if that's a joke or not. speaking of jokes -- >> he ughed the entire way through it. >> jimmy: this was something you tweeted on july 15th. breaking news, the country of turkey will now be called pastrami. take me through the process of writing, how that makes it to the web. >> comedy writing, you know -- sometimes the inspiration can come from anywhere. >> jimmy: where dith >> katz's deli in new york. i'm sitting there having a late-night snack. i'm looking at the breaking news on my phone. i see there's a revolution a coup happening in tourry. a tourry. i'm like, hey, i got some political humor. >> jimmy: did anybody think it was insensitive? >> one guy wrote back, said, at least they won't go hungary.
roast battle" premieres next thursday at 10:00 p.m. on comedy central. we'll be right back with culture club! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. it's stunningly beautiful, a perfect blend of performance and design. the world's thinnest laptop, the new premium hp spectre.
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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank cara delevingne, jeff ross, and i we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first, you can see them this summer on their first u.s. tour first world tour in 15 years. here with the song "miss me blind," culture club! [ cheers and applause ] ? miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me blind ? i know you'll miss me i know
miss me blind ? i know you'll i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me blind ? ? i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me blind ? ? bet you got a good gun bet you know how to have some fun and turn it around ? ? on me because i'm better than the rest of the men i say you'll miss me ? ? and you always do i say you'll miss me now would i lie to you now there's no ? ? need to demand grab my golden hand i'll teach you and you'll
? if the way that you need is too much like greed decide if you are ? ? rich or you're poor i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll ? ? miss me blind i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll ? ? miss me blind bet you make the fool run bet you know how to make it last forever ? ? but y sure are you just kissing to be clever ? ? i say you'll miss me and you always do ? ? i say you'll miss me now would i lie to you ? ? now there's no need to demand grab my golden hand i'll teach
? and you'll never be sure if the way that you need is too much like greed decide if you are rich ? ? or you're poor because the love that i have to give must be better ? ? than that kind it can make you rich it can make you poor but i know that ? ? you'll miss me blind i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll ? ? miss me blind i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll ? ? miss me blind ? ? [ cheers and applause ] ?
miss me i know you'll miss me i know you'll miss me blind ? ? [ cheers and applause ] ? ? meet ? ? oh there's a glowing storm there's no one there to keep you warm ? ? it's no surprise there's something in my eyes ? ? it's a miracle it's a miracle ? ? it's a miracle it's a miracle ? ? it's a miracle it's a miracle ? ? and dreams are made of
? dance with the counter piece i need you there ? ? run to the edge of time where i'm there ? ? but do you really care it's a miracle ? ? it's a miracle it's a miracle ? ? it's a miracle it's a miracle ? ? it's a miracle and made ? ? ah it's a miracle ? ? ah it's a miracle ah it's a miracle ? let's see your hands! ?
this is "nightline". tonight, the voluntourist trap. traveling halfway around the world, donating your time and your money to a children's orphanage, only to discover it's the exact opposite of the safe haven you thought. >> the conditions were so poor. >> businesses built to break your heartnd your bank. >> were the children told to tell the >> yes. >> yes? >> we're on the case. tracking down one of the men who profited from the dark side of summer vacation. >> did you ever abuse kids? >> no. they'd get a snow cone. >> plus, going gold. the u.s. women's gymnastics team takes the gold. led by a 19-year-old girl who has the gymnastics world flipping out. with more world championship gold medals than any woman in history, simone biles has already raised the bar.