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tv   Late Night With Jimmy Fallon  NBC  September 4, 2012 12:35am-1:35am PDT

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you know we getting hotter and hotter ♪ ♪ sexy and hotter let's shut it down pound the alarm ♪ ♪ hey hey hey hey ♪ ♪ oh oh pound the alarm ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ come on let's go hey ♪ ♪ oh oh oh come fill my glass up a little more we 'bout to get up ♪ ♪ and burn this floor you know we getting hotter and hotter sexy and hotter ♪ let's shut it down let's go pound the alarm ♪ ♪ hey hey hey hey hey hey hey ♪ ♪ pound the alarm
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♪ pound the alarm ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: yes! nicki minaj! that was great. that was great. that was great. that was great. nicki minaj. i want to thank my guests dana carvey and of course nicki minaj. monday night charlie sheen will be here. have a great weekend. jimmy fallon is next. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody, how are you doing?
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thank you, welcome. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. thank you. i have sad news, you guys. sad news. the british band chumbawamba announced they are breaking up after 30 years. >> steve: what? what? >> jimmy: 30 years and one song. they are -- [ laughter ] but i think they will get back up again. >> steve: are you serious? you're never going to get me down. >> jimmy: sad news. >> steve: never. >> jimmy: hey, i want to say congratulations to kourtney kardashian, who welcomed her second child over the weekend. [ cheers and applause ] we love her. congratulations. it was weird though, instead of a boy or a girl, the doctor was just like, "it's -- a new reality show!" here it is. start filming now. some election news. in a new interview, mitt romney said he doesn't know where his financial records are because he doesn't manage them. yeah, he would have said more, but he had to give a speech on why he's the perfect guy to fix the economy. [ laughter and applause ]
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did you guys see this? there's talk that north korean leader kim jong-un may have a new girlfriend. [ audience oohs ] apparently she already changed her facebook relationship status to "it's forced." and -- [ light laughter ] my girlfriend. this isn't good, you guys. best buy just announced plans to lay off 600 geek squad employees. [ audiences aws ] in response, geek squad employees were like, "phew, good thing i already live with my parents." [ laughter ] that would have been tough. "hey, who moved my bean bag? mom!" i just read that a high school in indiana is requiring every student to buy an ipad instead of using textbooks. that's nothing. in china they require every student to make an ipad, instead of using textbooks. [ light laughter ] we got it easy. and finally, this was scary, over the weekend, a man in
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massachusetts was chased by a great white shark while he was kayaking for the first time. or as he's now calling it, "kayaking for the last time." we have a great show tonight, give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] holy moly, moly. we've got a great show tonight, one of our favorites, kelly rippa is joining us here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] plus, emmy award-winning actress and star of "the exes." kristen johnston is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] and we couldn't be more honored to have him here. oh, the one, the only, the legendary tom waits is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] oh yeah! oh my goodness. i'm going to talk to him and he's going to perform a great song for us. in rehearsal, just phenomenal.
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it's going to be a great, great show. before we get started, i want to talk about something that happened over the fourth of july. i was up at lake winnipesaukee in new hampshire with my wife and my family. i'm just, you know, popping some beers, flipping some burgs. [ light laughter ] having a decent time. having a dece time. >> steve: sure. >> jimmy: come to find out that republican presidential nominee mitt romney is doing the exact same thing not more than three doors down. he was on the lake, jet skiing around -- [ impersonating a jet ski ] "miitt roommneeyy." he is with his family, at lake winnipesaukee. so i get on the instagram, i get on the twitter, i get on the facebook and start messaging mitt to try to get him to come over and have a burger with me. so my people are calling his people, his people are not calling my people. [ laughter ] but i do finally -- i get a response for team mitt that he is spending time with his family, and wants to know how long i'm going to be there. so i'm like as long as it takes, man. i'm holding my burg. >> steve: right. >> jimmy: yeah. it's a big deal.
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i mean, this could be the next president of the united states. so, i'm trying to get a burger summit going. so i wait it out. i got my burger in one hand, i got my beer in the other hand. he never comes over. >> steve: what? [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: yeah, he didn't come over. >> steve: so, he left you holding your weiner? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: burger. >> steve: burger, i'm sorry. >> jimmy: i was eating a burger. >> steve: i'm sorry. >> jimmy: but i get it. mitt, you're taking a break from the campaign trail. understood. you got to do that. you got to get ready. now you're back, it's election time, dude. so, i'm going to put it out there one more time. i'm going to give you another invitation. please come on the show, and have a burger with me, jimmy fallon. i mean -- >> steve: come on! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you've got between now and november. >> steve: it's the american thing to do. >> jimmy: whatever you want on the burger. i don't care. it's more about us getting together. fallon-romney, burger time. burger summit, it's going to be super fun. i promise. you guys, it's time to look at the stories making headlines today, and weigh the good with the bad. it's time for "pros and cons." here we go. ♪ pros and cons and pros and cons and pros ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight we'll be talking a look at the pros and cons of "summer heat waves."
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yeah. last week saw record temperatures all over the country last week. it was hot as a mutha. [ light laughter ] so let's take a look at the pros and cons. [ laughter ] >> steve: how hot was it? >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: how hot was it? >> jimmy: i don't know. it was pretty hot, apparently. >> steve: i said, what? hot as a what? >> jimmy: let's take a look at the pros and cons of summer heat waves, here we go. pro, it's sweaty, sticky, and nearly 100. con, so is larry king in a steam room. [ as larry king ] "can you pass me a towel." pro, everyone wants to see you put on a bathing suit. con, you're at a nude beach. oh, that's not good. that's not good. >> steve: cover it up. >> jimmy: pro, lounging by the pool and reading "fifty shades of grey." con, lounging by the kid pool and seeing 50 shades of yellow. [ laughter ] stay out of that pool. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: that's crazy stuff going down there. >> steve: a lot of chlorine. >> jimmy: pro, going to the jersey shore and bringing a powerful spf.
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con, leaving with a powerful std. it's the jersey shore. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: things have changed. >> steve: that's different. it's very -- >> jimmy: clean up the act. >> steve: std filled. >> jimmy: yeah. pro, your kids had a big summer pool party so you hired a magician to entertain them. con, his name was magic mike. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: still entertaining. all right, all right, all right. >> jimmy: he didn't say that in this movie. >> steve: he has to. >> jimmy: he did not say that in this movie. >> steve: he has to have said that. i didn't see the movie yet. >> jimmy: are you saying that matthew mcconaughey says, "all right, all right, all right." >> steve: i'll bet you $5. [ laughter ] you can have odds. >> jimmy: i'm not taking that bet. >> steve: all right. all right, all right, all right. >> jimmy: all right. [ light laughter ] >> steve: j. k. loving. >> jimmy: pro, getting a visit from mr. softee. >> steve: oh no. no. come on. >> jimmy: oh, come on. don't beat me to the joke. >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: i just -- all right. >> steve: all right. here it comes. people of earth, wait for it. >> jimmy: that's what hugh hefner's girlfriend calls sex. there you go. ♪ i think it's cute. cute.
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getting a visit from mr. softee. [ laughter ] >> steve: i've got to go, mr. softy is coming. >> jimmy: pro, here we go. pro, breaking out the old slip and slide. con, or as newt gingrich calls it his old flop and slap. why would he call it that? >> steve: that's what he calls it? >> jimmy: he changed the name of it. >> steve: that's his name for it. >> jimmy: pro, going to the beach and busting out your pool noodle and beach balls. >> steve: oh, come on! what is this? who put -- >> jimmy: let's get another drum roll on that, i guess. [ laughter ] [ drum roll ] con, and then quickly pulling up your shorts after someone calls the cops. ♪ >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: no, you can't do that. >> steve: ♪ it's harder than ever ♪ >> jimmy: the audience is too smart. >> steve: yeah, they're smart. they're intelligent. the most intelligent audience in new york. >> jimmy: finally pro, going out for ten minutes and getting a tan. con, going out for twenty minutes and looking like this. [ audience ohs ] there you go, guys. that'd be "pros and cons." we'll be right back with a new installment of "at the bar with roger federer."
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what? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ pros and cons and pros and cons and pros and cons ♪ ♪ and pros and cons and pros you misare you sure?et toss. eeeee! yeah. i get all my friends' pics as soon as they take them. really? you just missed an awesome dance off between the dads. oh... wow! (laughing) you just missed the cake fight. seriously? everyone's taking pictures like they're paparazzi. are we missing that? we're not, check it out. aww, yeah, haha. excuse me. vo: get all your friends' photos automatically with share shot on the galaxy s3. hey! first dance! are you kidding me??? so the production of twix was divided between two separate factories. left twix factory cascades caramel and chocolate onto cookie, while right twix factory flows caramel and chocolate onto cookie. today they share nothing, but a wrapper and a driveway. try both and pick a side.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back evrybody, thank you so much for watching the show. did any of you guys see wimbledon this weekend? did you watch it? [ cheers ] so exciting, roger federer won for the seventh time, he beat andy murray from scotland. it was such a great match. congrats to rodger federer. [ cheers ] it's just amazing. a lot people don't know this about rodger, but in addition to being a great athlete, he is the host of his own tv show, it's on the tennis channel, it's set at a bar, and it's called -- it's called "at the bar with roger federer." now, i have no idea why rodger hosts this show. it's not like he needs the money
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or anything. and english isn't even his first language. but he must really enjoy it, because he keeps making new episodes. we have one right here, take a look. ♪ [ in foreign accent ] >> hey, thank you for coming to "at the bar" with me, the roger federer. great to be here at the bar where you can just, you know, get together, talk about the lives, take about the sports, drink the casual beverages, and just, you know, have a good time here together at the bar. ♪ now is the time on "at the bar" where we talk about the sports, and you know i won the wimbledon, i won it seven times now and i'm number one in the world again. i play tennis so perfect, i play the best. my idol, pete sampras you know, i tied his record, so he is a thing of the past now.
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he is the old news. you know, he is like the dick clark and i'm like ryan seacrest, you know. where i have the white teeth and the frosted hair, and the "american idol," and the "we'll be back after the break." ♪ and then of course there is my opponent at wimbledon, the andy murray from scotland, he played so good, you know, with the crying and the playing. he will probably win many grand slams in the future. you know, he'll win again, you know, if something happens to the federer like if an anvil falls from the sky on to my head, and crush my body. you know, or the piano falling, or anything from the acme company, like in cartoon with the wile e. coyote. you know, where my body gets crushed like an accordion that goes up and down. and i can not play the tennis anymore so perfect. this is maybe how andy murray can beat the federer. ♪ now is the time "at the bar,"
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where i say the different things that i saw in england while i was playing tennis at the wimbleton. i saw the big ben. i saw the posh spice. i saw the pipa middleton with the round butt so perfect. i saw the english muffins. i saw downton abbey was there, i saw santa claus too. he was there. ♪ now is the time on "at the bar" where we do the exercises. [ light laughter ] that's a real good work out. ♪ now it's the time on "at the bar" where i eat the tennis ball. [ laughter ]
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♪ now is the time on "at the bar" where i read the "fifty shades of grey" and i pretend to get the tennis boner. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ now is the time on "at the bar" where i buy a round of drinks on the federer. hey, that one's on me. ♪ now is the time on "at the bar," where i wear the blind fold and i try to guess the different kind of smells that pass underneath my face. and this is so fun, you know, because i don't use this thing when i talk, i'm more of this one. i'm more of a mouth breather. okay, i'm ready to do it. so, perfect.
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that's a tuna fish sandwich. that's a kitty cat. that's a indian food. that's a koala bear. aw, you made it easy on me for this one. that's a jigsaw puzzle. there i guess all that's not so perfect. thank you for coming to "at the bar" with me, roger federer. see you at the bar. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i don't know why he does these shows. very entertaining, congrats to roger federer on his wimbledon victory. stick around, everybody, we'll be right back with kelly rippa. come on! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you know, i was once used for small jobs. yeah, and i took on all the bigger, tougher ones. but now that mr. clean's got this new select-a-size magic eraser,
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>> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. our first guest this evening is one of the most talented hosts on television, and her hugely popular emmy award-winning morning show "live with kelly" is currently in the middle of the search for a new co-host. here to tell us about that and more, please welcome to the show kelly ripa everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> that was the best. >> jimmy: they are the greatest, you cannot beat the roots. you can't beat the roots, no, no. >> that is so great. remember when i licked your tuba? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kelly ripa you look beautiful first of all. can i just say that. thank you so much for coming back to our show. >> i love your show, very much. you taught me how to play beer pong. >> jimmy: that's true. yep. >> i got to lick a tuba for $10.
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>> jimmy: what'd you do with that 10 bucks, anything? >> um, i bought the shirt "i licked it for ten." >> jimmy: yeah, no perfect. down at the gift shop. it all comes back me somehow, yeah. >> it all came back to you, yeah. >> jimmy: congrats on winning, like, every single daytime emmy ever. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] congratulations. you deserve it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: outstanding entertainment talk show and outstanding talk show host. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: that's got to feel good pal because -- >> yeah, it felt really good. >> jimmy: you're in this -- it's a weird period where regis is not screaming in your ear every morning. >> well, it was very -- i mean, we were all -- we're all very honored, and we were all very surprised by it because after you lose an award for 25 years you just think, well heck, we'll just enter it but we're not going to win anything. it's like the lottery, you know. and then when they said our names i think it was just universal shock. we thought that people were punking us or just, you know. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. yeah. >> we were only kidding. you didn't really win. >> jimmy: we're joking, yeah. but you did win. >> we did win. >> jimmy: now is a big thing is who's going to be the new co-host? >> right, right. >> jimmy: who's the new regis? >> i mean, that's the big --
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that's the question. it's so funny because everybody assumes that i have the inside track to this thing, and i am just a hired employee of the company. and so -- >> jimmy: you don't know who at all? >> no, i mean, we have -- i mean, we're -- there's a lot of people who are contenders. >> jimmy: really? i'm good -- i'm going to study your face here. really? >> we've been very very -- >> jimmy: you're lying. >> no i'm not. i swear. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sorry. >> i was hoping that you'd throw your hat in the ring. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. [ cheers and applause ] >> day and night. >> jimmy: this job is busy enough. i love you so much. >> day and night, come on. >> jimmy: you have like 20 dudes begging for this job. >> no, nobody's begging. >> jimmy: nobody's begging. well, people. you can tell a couple of people were begging. >> a couple of people. >> jimmy: all right, i'll tell you. you know who's good is seth meyers has been doing it this week. >> yeah, he's great. >> jimmy: we love seth on weekend update. [ cheers and applause ] he's a "saturday night live" guy. >> i know. >> jimmy: so what's he doing up in early in the morning. >> i don't know. i mean, that's the thing. it's like, when you see seth meyers in the morning it is like looking at a vampire.
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[ laughter ] he is clearly -- >> jimmy: he's not ready for this at all. >> he is not ready. he's like, how do you do this every day? i think i need -- 'cause normally he just has, like, that glass. that cup that i think it either has water or vodka in it. i'm not sure. >> jimmy: yeah, mine has absinthe. >> so he's got something in that cup and he said, today i actually think i may need coffee. and it was like, he was a real grown-up, you know. >> jimmy: he's becoming a man. >> he told this great story on our show today, he said, you know, he's had like a high school schedule his entire grown-up life, you know. he has summers off from june until september he has off. and he has winter break and spring break, and he'll call his friends and say "what are you doing for winter break?" and they're like, "uh dude, i have real job so i'm working." >> jimmy: i get one day off a year. >> i had christmas day off and then i'm working. >> jimmy: grow up! yeah. but you feel like a kid when you're on "saturday night live." you have that schedule. but who do you have? you have michael strahan.
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>> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: right? i love that guy. >> he's incredible. >> jimmy: he's the best. [ cheers and applause ] >> we love him so much. >> jimmy: you love him, yeah. >> yeah, he's like the one guy -- when he comes into the building we all relax 'cause we feel safe. we feel like if anything goes bad -- 'cause you know our viewers can get very violent. and -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait a second. >> but we feel, like, safe. >> jimmy: with regis there. well regis was the violence there. >> he was the violent type. [ as regis ] >> jimmy: i'm going to kill somebody. [ light laughter ] i'm going to strangle somebody. i'm going to beat their faces in. all right, regis calm down. i mean, cut it all out. >> you know what's so funny? regis, since you've been doing regis, regis does a dialed up version of regis. >> jimmy: he does. >> he does. >> jimmy: he brings an impression up to my impressions. >> he brings his impression up to your impression of him. >> jimmy: yeah, because the fact is, you'll be like, how you doing regis? he's like -- [ as regis ] i feel very good. thank you for having me on the show. comes in, he goes -- [ louder regis ] thank you for having me on the show! it's great to be here! kelly ripa, everybody. >> you just hurt yourself? >> jimmy: yeah, i did. i hurt myself. >> what did you hit, your knee? >> jimmy: no, just the desk. you have a wooden leg. [ laughter ] what else sounds like that. yeah, that's right. what do you think that was? >> i don't know.
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i didn't know. >> jimmy: wait, i gotta say, like everybody knows you're the coolest person out there. but kelly's agreed to play a crazy new game tonight. it's called "rock, paper, scissors, pie." >> mmm. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kelly, you ready to play this? >> yeah. >> jimmy: let's do this. here we go. >> yeah, we're playing. >> rock, paper, scissors, pie! >> oh, my gosh. i this it right here? >> jimmy: yeah, this is it right here. now look -- >> does everybody know how to play? >> jimmy: in one minute kelly and i will take our positions behind these carnival cut-outs and stick our faces and arms through these holes. we're going to go head to head in rock, paper, scissors. >> right. >> jimmy: whoever loses each round has to click a pie throwing mechanism in front of them. it's completely random. >> oh, my god. >> jimmy: you never know which click is going to result in a pie getting smashed in your face. now, the first one to get hit with three pies loses. kelly, are you ready for this? >> it's a good thing i didn't get my make-up and hair done. >> jimmy: oh, come on. well, i got mine done. >> come on. >> jimmy: so, here we go. >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: really stick your head through.
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my big head doesn't fit in this. >> oh, my god. wait. look at my short arms how they can barely -- 'cause i'm such a, like, dinosaur arms i can. >> jimmy: oh, and look at my big head barely fits through this hole. [ laughter ] >> it's like being born. isn't it? >> jimmy: it kind of is, yeah. i feel like, i feel like the octomom is out there just be getting jealous. >> jealous of us. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. ready for this? rock, paper, scissors. ready? >> okay. >> jimmy: rock, paper, scissors, shoot. ooh, double fists. ready? rock, paper, scissors, shoot. oh, scissors cuts paper my friend. click away. come on. that's it, you did it. you did it. [ laughter ] [ sighs ] you did it, yeah. bummer. okay, here we go. >> oh, my god. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, here we go. ready? rock, paper, scissors, shoot. [ evil laughs ] it smashes the scissors. >> jimmy: rock smashes scissor.
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[ audience oohs ] oh, my gosh. if you didn't see, i was like cross-eyed there. okay. all right, ready? here we go. >> this is much scarier. >> jimmy: rock, paper, scissors, shoot. yeah! scissors again. go for it my friend. clicky clicky. click-a-doodle. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: woo! oh, my -- and it's in a slow-mo. it's really -- >> oh, my god. >> jimmy: oh, my god. all right, get it down there buddy. what? stop it. stop hitting her with pie. get it clicked down before you put the pie in there. all right. i'm sorry. >> i don't look undignified do i? >> jimmy: no, not at all. [ laughter ] darling, you have beautiful face cream in the morning. all right, here we go. >> this is real cream. >> jimmy: yes, it is real cream. and that was a really fun game so far.
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we can stop here if you want to? >> we are going for it until you get a pie in the face. >> jimmy: here, we go. little prayer. >> until you get a pie in the face i will not be satisfied. >> jimmy: and rock, paper, scissors, shoot. oh, double rock. rock, paper, scissors, shoot. double rock. rock, paper, scissors, shoot. paper covers rock! [ audience ohs ] oh, no. here we go ya'll. clicky clicky. come on. that's it? all right, you got away with that one. lucky. >> what? >> jimmy: that's it. >> why's the audience upset that i didn't get hit? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, here we go. ready? >> yes. >> jimmy: rock, paper, scissors, shoot. oh, you lost again! >> why did i do paper? >> jimmy: fantastic. go for it. good luck. >> my hands are too sticky. [ laughter ] i can't turn it. i really can't turn it.
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>> jimmy: i'm sure i could help you out there. don't worry about it. [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] it's not like it went down there. something's up. all right, here we go. ready? >> yeah, i'm ready. [ light laughter ] do i look ready? >> jimmy: you look awesome. ready? >> yeah, this is it. >> jimmy: yep. rock, paper, scissors, shoot. >> ah. [ cheers and applause ] [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: such a fun game. it's a fun game isn't it? >> this is sick. >> jimmy: hey, next one to get hit with a pie wins. ready? >> okay. >> jimmy: oh, loses. sorry. [ laughter ] or wins, whatever. >> we're all winners here, aren't we? >> jimmy: ready? rock, paper, scissors, shoot. oh, no! [ drumroll ] [ audience ohs ]
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here we go. rock, paper, scissors, shoot. paper covers rock! go for it. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ our thanks to the one and only kelly ripa. kristen johnston joins us after the break. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i am going to become facebook friends with our babysitter. no. these work, right? no. all right. mom! look what i found in the shed! no! no! no! ♪ ew! were you guys just making out in here? what? no! is it okay if i quit my job and start a blog? no. really? cold cuts from a package? yes. [ male announcer ] in a world filled with "no," it's nice to finally say "yes." new oscar mayer selects deli meat. the tastes you love and no artificial preservatives. it's yes food.
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throughout our entire lives. ♪ one a day men's 50+ is a complete multi-vitamin designed for men's health concerns as we age. ♪ it has more of seven antioxidants to support cell health. that's one a day men's 50+ healthy advantage. so this is just a little something to thank you for all you do to help us mature. oh, no. no. no. i'm not falling for that again. what? no, i... [ laughs ] no way. okay, so, i see. it's good to know. you put the snakes in this one, and this one probably just...
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[ laughing ] that was beautiful. oh, do you have a check there for "hilarious"? [ male announcer ] we take the time for our cheese to mature before we bake it into every delicious cracker. because at cheez-it, real cheese matters. whoa!!!! yeah!!! [ smooching ] [ growling ] ♪ so you're going to give me all that for this last diet mountain dew? yeah, i just love the taste of diet dew. nah, i'm good. [ male announcer ] diet mountain dew. yeah, it tastes that good. what about an island? [ hero ] nope. blank check? [ hero ] nah. but i'm mark cuban.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is the author of this book right here, "guts," and a two time emmy-award winning actress. she stars in the tv land show "the exes" which airs wednesday nights at 10:30 p.m. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome kristen johnston. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kristen johnston. >> how long has it been -- i mean, we wanted to do this for a long time. >> jimmy: finally you are here. gosh, you are one of my favorite people in the world. thank you for coming by. >> can i have some of your vodka? >> jimmy: yeah, absolutely. yeah. >> oh, here's mine. i have my own. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. you're sober now by the way. you don't do that. >> oh, right. >> jimmy: yeah, remember? yeah. >> i wanted to relapse on your show. >> jimmy: that'll be good ratings.
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wait until sweeps. wait until sweeps to do that. >> okay, definitely. >> jimmy: i looked at your book. congratulations on this, pal. it did take a lot of guts to write this thing. it is -- it did actually. >> it's true. don't laugh. >> jimmy: i have to laugh. you're very funny. and gosh you're funny in this book. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and it's great. i heard that you're working on an album too you told me. >> oh, i am. i'm working on a album. i had this idea a couple of years ago. i mean, first of all, your album, genius. >> jimmy: well thank you so much. >> love it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but very much. >> jimmy: you do? >> i'm not lying. i would tell you that -- >> jimmy: i can tell if you are lying. say it again. >> i love it. >> jimmy: are you lying? >> no. >> jimmy: okay. [ light laughter ] >> it's so funny it almost blew my pants right off. i am -- i thought a couple years ago, 'cause i have the worst voice ever. like i actually mouthed the words when people sing happy birthday. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're that bad. >> i'm so bad. >> jimmy: you don't want to ruin the party. >> oh, it's the worst. and -- so i thought a couple years ago, wouldn't it be funny if i did a cover album of the highest pitched songs ever. you know? >> jimmy: with your voice. >> like -- ♪ don't cry out loud
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just keep it inside ♪ or -- ♪ oops, i did it again i played with your heart ♪ >> jimmy: yeah, this is pretty good. you could do that one. you could do, yeah. what's the other one you could do. minnie richardson. what was that one. ♪ la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la ♪ the roots can't even play it. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah they can hear the -- i bet mark on bass can totally do it. ♪ loving you [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have to do this. at least put out a -- ♪ is easy 'cause you're beautiful ♪ >> jimmy: i would love that. gosh, gosh. last time i think we really, really hung out, besides andy cohen's party. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but we hung out and we played charades. >> charades, we did? >> jimmy: played charades. >> we did? >> jimmy: in new hampshire. >> oh, that's right. oh, i forgot. new hampshire. >> jimmy: yes. >> yes. >> jimmy: there we were looking at the lake on golden pond. and sun setting. >> i forgot about that.
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>> jimmy: rippling over the waves. >> no i'm a game changer. >> jimmy: and you were saying titanic is sinking. [ light laughter ] and i guess i said titanic. the one word. movie. >> is that really what happened or are you just being funny? >> jimmy: no, i'm making up. but we did play charades. >> you know when i loved you? is when i walked in, i had this six hour drive, i walked in and you were watching "hell's kitchen" being obsessed with it. you were like -- [ gasps ] >> jimmy: yeah, well i like gordon, gordon ramsay. >> i know, it was so cute. >> jimmy: donkey, shut it! shut it down! i go, what? that guy didn't do anything. he's just yelling at the -- >> this is my kind of guy. >> jimmy: yeah, it is -- yeah. but no, you were super fun and now you're back in tv. we love you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: tv land, "the exes," congrats on this. >> thank you. >> jimmy: big hit show. [ cheers and applause ] >> and you know, they don't make perfect shows anymore. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know? it's all the kardash -- >> jimmy: yeah, the kardashahoo's. yeah. >> i can't even say it. >> jimmy: no, you -- why not. why should you. >> but you know, it's just reality real -- whatever. and you know, it's so great to be on a scripted tv show. >> jimmy: you got a great cast too. >> yeah, they're brilliant. wayne knight and donald faison. david alan basche. and brilliant -- >> jimmy: yes, and she -- oh. it's phenomenal.
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you want to tell everyone what this show's about? and then we'll show a nice clip. >> oh, god. i'm so worried. >> jimmy: no you -- oh, stop. >> no, it's about a divorce attorney and she happens to have an apartment across the hall in new york, you know, who doesn't. and she ends up renting it to three of her former clients. so she's sort of their den mother. she handled their divorce cases. and it's them kind of trying to, you know, come back. just try to recover from divorce. >> jimmy: and you and wayne knight have great chemistry. i gotta say. >> thank you. >> jimmy: he knows you from "third rock," right? >> yes, yes. no, we actually -- oh. we have a clip of the great kristen johnston in "the exes." take a look at this. >> oh. [ cheers and applause ] they're lopsided. what the hell happened? look, the under wire's all bent. you gotta help me bend it back. right here. >> it won't budge. >> keep bending it. just twist. gosh.
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[ laughter ] >> molly? >> you must be edward? i've heard good things. >> jimmy: heard good things. [ cheers and applause ] kristen johnsten in "the exes" airs wednesdays at 10:30 p.m. on tv land. tom waits joins us next. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ female announcer ] caroline penry began using olay total effects in 2001.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, i cannot wait. our next guest is a grammy-winning artist and member of the rock and roll hall of fame. his latest album "bad as me" is available now. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tom waits. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for being here. have a seat. what do you think of the set? what do you feel? >> oh, good. yeah. i was told this is all your furniture from home. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: from my childhood home actually. that's were mama fed me the
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baba. >> aw, yeah. are you nervous going anywhere without your furniture? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. i travel with my furniture in a u-haul truck. >> i'm like that. >> jimmy: oh, yeah? you're like that as well? thank you for coming on our show, i appreciate it. and thank you for coming to new york. i know you're out in california. you're in new york. you keeping busy? keeping busy here in new york? >> oh, busy. well busy's a relative term. you don't have to be busy in new york because new york is busy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know. and you can just, kind of lay back on it and it'll take you. >> jimmy: it'll make you busy. >> you know, i realized in new york that the only people qualified to run the country are cutting hair and driving cabs. >> jimmy: yeah, isn't that amazing. right? i agree with you. i absolutely agree with that. [ cheers and applause ] now you used to live in new york. you still have a place here? >> i don't, no. but i -- you know, one of the sad things was that i had -- i was refused membership to the
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mcburney "y," when i was here. >> jimmy: yeah, and that's what made you leave new york. they didn't let you in the ymca. >> just hurt. >> jimmy: it really hurt. yeah. i don't know if you've heard but it's fun to stay at the ymca. [ laughter ] >> i have heard that. >> jimmy: you have heard that? >> that's why i was there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait, are you the indian? i was the motorcycle cop. [ light laughter ] >> it's weird we never met. >> jimmy: it's weird we never met. exactly. yeah. you're staying at a hotel now? >> well, i'm staying at the -- you know what's weird, they don't tell you about the sheraton. >> jimmy: oh, the sheraton. >> the key word is share. they ask for you to share a room with another family. >> jimmy: is that right? i did not know that when you go to a sheraton. is that true? >> well, it's -- i got a dentist and his lovely family. [ light laughter ] children. it's more cramped, but it's half the price. >> jimmy: oh, that's worth the deal. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> i got some dental work done. >> jimmy: is that right? you don't look like you're in pain. congrats on being inducted into
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the rock and roll hall of fame. [ cheers and applause ] you deserve it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you deserve it. gosh. >> well, the weird thing about that, what i heard is that i was going to be in the hall of fame i said, "hall of fame," i says, "how long to we have to wait out here in the hall?" my wife said, "don't say that." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, you don't want to just hang out in the hall all the time. >> there's got to be a room. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you want to be in the room of fame. >> i want to get a room. >> jimmy: the rock and roll room of fame. come on, induct this man. [ cheers and applause ] he deserves to be in it. you got a new record "bad as me." look at this guy right there, oh, i love you. right there. "bad as me." it's fantastic record. it got on, there's a website called metacritic and they gave you the highest -- >> that's for doctors. >> jimmy: it is. ask your dentist about that. your roommate, he'll love that. but they gave you the highest rating of 2011. >> oh, really? >> jimmy: as albums. yeah, they gave this the highest rating. [ cheers and applause ]
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i mean, it was a great, well reviewed album. and you're doing a song for us tonight, i love this song. and i heard you rehearsing when you're talking to the band and you don't just go, "hey can you play that louder? or can you play that just a little" -- you go like, you yell crazy at people. >> well, i -- sometimes just body language. you know, certainly you're trying to communicate. and music notation is so limited. there's not a syol for every feeling. you know, it's really rather general when you think about it. you know, you can have something in there that you want say to them but you're not able to represent it in musical notation so you have to say it to them. >> jimmy: like give 'em direction. yeah, you're like giving them direction. what were you yelling? >> i was saying play like a plumber in a leotard. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. [ laughter ] there -- that's exactly what i'm talking about. that is exactly -- that was the one, yeah. play like a plumber in a leotard. and the guy was like -- [ laughter ] >> they know me. they know what that means.
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>> jimmy: you said play it like a -- >> like you have a wasp in your underwear. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: play it like a rodeo clown with no socks. >> you see? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> you know how to talk to 'em. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] it was unbelievable. but boy oh boy is it fun. i just gotta say on behalf of all the fans, gosh are just a great writer, performer, singer. [ cheers and applause ] and thank you for every [ bleep ] damn thing you did. >> aw, thanks. >> jimmy: we love you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you're going to play us a track off the album "bad as me." tom waits everybody. he's going to perform when we get back. come on back! it's that easy, brother. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ask me what it's like when my tempur-pedic moves.
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♪ [ folksy whistling ]] [ man ] quitting is a fight you can't let yourself lose. it can take many tries. but keep trying, you will beat smoking. honey, you okay? yeah, i'm fine. ♪ [ ukulele ] been shopping so smart, cash back with your freedom card getting cash back on what? close shave and haircut fan for the ceiling. you're gonna cool off that hoooounddd! tonight you gotta get your cash back, on new slacks. use freedom on lunch with jack. everybody get! everybody get!
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get your cash back. chase freedom. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everyone. come over here, now. here we go. you guys, performing the song "raise right men" from his latest album "bad as me," the one and only tom waits! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ there ain't enough there ain't enough raised right men i said there ain't enough ♪ ♪ raised right men it takes a raised right man to keep a happy hen i said there ain't enough ♪ ♪ raised right men heavens to murkatroid miners to coal a good woman ♪ ♪ can make a diamond out of a measly lump of coal you need the patience of a glacier ♪ ♪ if you can wait that long open up his window and admit it when you're wrong ♪ ♪ they're ain't enough raised right ain't enough raised right
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ain't enough raised right ♪ ♪ ain't enough raised right men i said they're ain't enough raised right men ♪ ♪ it takes a raised right man to keep a happy hen they're ♪ ♪ ain't enough raised right men ♪ ♪ ♪ gunplay maxwell and flat nose george ♪ ♪ ice pick ed newcomb on a slab in the morgue flat nose looked at gunplay and they all looked at me ♪ ♪ with a good woman's love we could have saved all three they're ain't enough ♪ ♪ raised right ain't enough raised right ain't enough raised right ain't enough ♪
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♪ raised right men [ cheers ] ♪ i said ain't enough raised right men it takes a raised right man to keep a happy hen ♪ ♪ i said they're ain't enough raised right men there ain't enough ♪ ♪ raised right men that's the trouble there ain't enough raised right men ♪ ♪ raised right men ♪ ain't enough raised right men ain't enough raised right men ain't enough ♪ ♪ raised right men ain't enough raised right men take it baby ain't enough ♪


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