tv Late Night With Jimmy Fallon NBC April 30, 2013 12:35am-1:36am PDT
♪ i'm through with you la dee da la dee da ♪ ♪ i don't wanna be your just for fun don't wanna be under your thumb ♪ ♪ all i wanna be is done all i wanna be is done ♪ ♪ all i wanna be is done ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> get your hands in the air! go! ♪ all right! ♪ hey! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: the band perry! nice job, guys! thanks! that was fantastic! thanks, guys. i want to thank my guests -- sir ben kingsley, larry the cable guy and the band perry. tomorrow night, cher and her mom will be here. hey, jimmy fallon coming up next. bye-bye! [ cheers and applause ]
♪ 0 >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very, very much!
welcome, everybody! "late night with jimmy fallon," that's a great crowd right there. welcome. welcome. thank you for watching at home, all that. let's get to the funny jokes here. here's what people are talking about. big news coming out of the nba, literally coming out of the nba today. washington wizards center jason collins. you guys hear about this? washington wizard jason collins just came out of the closet making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay. [ cheers and applause ] while the first openly gay wizard is still dumbledore. >> steve: everybody knows. >> jimmy: everybody knows. that's right collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete. or as martina navritilova put it, hello!
some more sports news, tim tebow was officially released from the new york jets. well, i guess -- i guess all that praying finally paid off. [ laughter ] please, anywhere. i will play anywhere else. you gotta get me -- come on, get me out! i don't care where i go! i'll do arena football, i don't care! i'm excited for tonight's show. we have rebel wilson in the house! oh, we love her. [ cheers and applause ] we've got anthony bourdain! [ cheers and applause ] we have retta, who is going to do stand-up tonight. and gary busey is on the show. [ cheers and applause ] gary busey is on the show, which will be one of the few interviews when i finish with more questions than i started with. [ laughter ] it's going to be very interesting. that's right. i will be talking with busey, or as he calls it, brains, upstanding, sincerity, equals yes.
[ laughter ] did you see him on the show last night? do you watch "all-star celebrity apprentice"? last night their task or whatever was supposed to make a commercial for lg, which is a great technology company. and they've got flat screens and they have dish washers and a refrigerator. and they had a smartphone that connects all of them. let's do a commercial for this. so he wants to make a mechanical dog. [ laughter ] so he goes, "i'll play the dog." or something. and everyone's like, "okay. okay." and so just take a look. >> what will he come up with next? >> mechanical dog! [ groaning sounds ] [ barking ] >> so was the mechanical dog barking or throwing up? [ laughter ] >> at which point gary was like, "what dog?"
he's a good dude, though. we'll be talking to him. he's fun. here's a crazy story, you guys. a fisherman in canada recently found a message in a bottle that was sent 11 years ago. and it's pretty cool. take a look. it says, about to eat brunch. wish there was some way to tell all my friends, #maybesomeday, #theycouldcallittwitter. >> steve: wow. [ applause ] >> jay: nostradamus of are time. hey guys, i just read the average family will spend $1,100 on prom this year. or in my case, $11. that was me there. [ laughter ] ladecia tagleafero. >> steve: what's her name? >> ladecia. ledee we called her. >> steve: ledee? >> ledecia tagleafero. she's very pretty. i just wish we were on the same page of how tan we were going to be for this. [ laughter ] >> steve: you did not get the memo. >> jimmy: i match her gloves in this. my head matches her white gloves. [ laughter ]
>> steve: you're whiter than your shirt. >> jimmy: i'm whiter than my own shirt. powder called and said, dude, get a tan. that's too pale. you're too pale. but she's a cool girl. we had fun. it was awesome. you guys, get this. google has launched a new feature that helps manage your gmail account after you die. as opposed to your hotmail account which just assumes you died ten years ago. [ laughter ] and finally, after earning more than $1 billion in 2012, facebook founder mark zuckerberg is only taking $1 salary this year. a $1 salary this year. or as tom from myspace put it, you and me both, buddy. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: we've got a great, great show tonight. she's in the number one movie at the box office. she is the number one movie at the box office. she's awesome. it's hilarious. rebel wilson is here! [ cheers and applause ] she knows how to do it. number one. he's the host of cnn's new travel show, anthony bourdain, "parts unknown," the one and only anthony bourdain is stopping by. he's a badass. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: he's the coolest guy in the world. he's like a lawyer poet. >> jimmy: plus he's the latest celebrity fired by donald trump on "all-star celebrity apprentice," gary busey is in the building! [ cheers and applause ] and you know her, you love her from nbc's "parks and recreation," the very funny retta is doing standup comedy right here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] that's a treat. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: this is going to be a fun show. i got one of those -- i got that feeling. i know it. just because busey's in the building. >> steve: right. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: if you're a fan of "celebrity apprentice" like i
am, you have to love gary busey. he's the greatest. he's so much fun to watch. and he says the craziest, most insane things. he also says some really profound stuff, too. stuff that makes you think. unfortunately, he was fired from the show last night. but his words live on. that's right. it's time for "gary busey karaoke." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ gary busey karaoke time ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to "gary busey karaoke" where we combine the beautiful music of the roots with the equally beautiful words of gary busey. [ laughter ] these are words taken directly from things that he said during this season's "all-star celebrity apprentice." higgins, who's on the mike tonight? >> steve: jimmy, coming to the stage are ali oldfield and barret spellerman! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: hey, buddy, how are you? >> hi! >> jimmy: nice to see you. welcome to the show. thank you for coming to the "gary busey karaoke" club tonight. what is your name again? >> ali. >> jimmy: ali. >> barret. >> jimmy: very good barret. ali and barret. and here's how we play. you'll each stand with your back to the sharp 108, this giant television. and sing the words that you see on the monitor in front of you. actual quotes from gary busey. they will change from white to yellow to help you follow along just like real karaoke. in the end we'll decide the winner based on audience applause. steve, tell us what tonight's winner will be taking home. >> steve: well, jimmy tonight's winner will receive a brand-new singing machine karaoke system. sing along with your favorite song and follow along with a build-in monitor. [ applause ] it's stylish. it's functional. and best of all it comes with a microphone and av cable. jimmy! >> jimmy: that looks -- that looks state of the art. [ laughter ] that certainly does look state of the art. are you sure it's not, like, an old radio from, like, "the
christmas story" or something? anyway, let's get started. it's a great prize. i'm very excited to give it away. contestant number one, you are up. remember, these aren't real songs. you have to make up the melody. you can sing however you want just as long as you're singing and not talking. your gary busey's song tonight is a love ballad, a very emotional song. [ light laughter ] it's called "i'm a tickle monster." [ laughter ] here's the album cover there. here is your mike. go take your place. roots, whenever you're ready? ♪ ♪ do you wanna play tickle and giggle i'm a tickle monster and i will get you ♪ ♪ i'm having so much fun it's like milk through a skunk i'm an angel ♪
♪ in an earth suit i'm a tickle monster ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my goodness! get over here! that was fantastic. thank you. outrageous! contestant number two, you are next. i love -- we have authentic karaoke video behind you. i forgot to tell you that. your next -- your song is one of gary's newest hits. it's tearing up the charts. it's called "naked balls with hairy sauce." [ cheers and applause ] there it is once again. these are all things gary busey said on "celebrity apprentice." words that actually came out of his mouth. here is your microphone. good luck to you, buddy. go for it. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ have you ever had your gorilla genitalia so excited it spins like a ferris wheel ♪ ♪ my underwear is starting to stick to the ceiling naked balls ♪ ♪ with hairy sauce naked balls with hairy sauce i'm the cat ♪ ♪ in the hat and i love you ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is beautiful. that was beautiful. you're the cat in the hat, and you love me. >> i love you. >> jimmy: that is absolutely beautiful. that's going to be -- that's going to be a tough one to beat there.
what's that? we have time -- we have time for one more contestant? great. let's bring him out. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's gary busey! >> jimmy fallon! >> jimmy: that is gary busey! welcome to "gary busey karaoke"! this is fantastic. >> i know it's fantastic. >> jimmy: would you like to give it a try? you've created it. >> oh, yeah. i don't try anything, i just do it. >> jimmy: gary, go break a leg and go get them. you can stand over there in front of the sharp 108. [ cheers and applause ] this one's called -- gary, this one is a classic of yours. >> it's not turned on. >> jimmy: that's on purpose. [ laughter ] no, gary. no. now it's turned on. gary? gary? >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is one of your songs. it's a classic. it's called "i'm a hood ornament on the car of creation." and there you go. if you have the mike, go for it.
roots, whenever you're ready you guys can go together. >> ready to go, guys. ♪ ♪ i'm gary busey i'm the hood ornament on my car of creation and that's what happens ♪ ♪ when you go to the supernatural and spiritual realm do you know what the most ♪ ♪ dangerous thing in the water is a shark fart a shark fart ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: outrageous! come back over. that was fantastic! i always forget how good your voice is. >> i know. >> jimmy: fantastic. good job, everybody. audience, audience, your applause will now determine our winner. is it contestant number one? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: is it contestant number two? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: or is it contestant number three, gary busey? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a winner, it is gary busey! ♪ but as per the rules of gary busey karaoke, friends, family and the actual gary busey are not eligible to receive prizes. that means you guys will each be taking home a karaoke machine. ♪ thank you, everybody, for playing "gary busey karaoke" including gary busey! we'll be right back with rebel wilson, you guys!
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"bridesmaids" and "pitch perfect" as well as her new film "pain & gain" which is number one at the box office this past weekend. please welcome to the show a very talented young lady, here's rebel wilson! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's a pleasure, welcome to our show, rebel wilson. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: i like saying your name, rebel wilson. >> i like saying your name, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you. >> my uncle has a ball machine. he's a tennis coach. it's called jimmy. >> jimmy: is that right? >> so he's always like, jimmy. jimmy needs balls. >> jimmy: all right. [ laughter ] >> he does. >> jimmy: "pain & gain," this is another number one movie for you. is that -- >> i couldn't believe it, yeah. it's number one in america. >> jimmy: hey, pal. that's unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks. >> jimmy: so happy.
i'm going to do -- and then like two number one movies. >> i know, usually i only get number one for cheese eating. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, but that's no. >> and now i'm number one for movies as well. >> jimmy: cheese eating. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, i know those contests. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. absolutely. >> i'm very addicted to hard cheeses. >> jimmy: are you really? [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's the only kind of cheeses i can eat if there is an option. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't do the soft cheeses. >> no. i don't do the goat ones. i just think of the goat screaming, going, aah! when the cheese is getting out of it. have you seen those goats videos? [ goat noise ] >> jimmy: yean, but they don't scream like that. they scream like humans. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's why i don't -- >> and how does cheese come out of them? [ laughter ] yeah. could look into that. oh, i see. [ laughter ] i thought that's where other liquid comes out of. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know what, i don't know how --
i don't know how they make -- i don't know how they make goat milk. >> let's move on from that. >> jimmy: nevermind. trust me, yeah. >> goat fat. >> jimmy: "pain & gain." >> yeah. >> jimmy: "pain y gain." >> yeah. >> jimmy: paino y gaino. [ laughter ] it's espanol. >> paino and gaino. >> jimmy: paino and gaino -- congrats on this. i heard you auditioned for this movie. it's a michael bay film. i heard you -- you have a trick to for you're audition for michael bay movies. >> okay, well, usually mr. bay cast supermodels in his movies. i thought, hmm, i'm not feeling that thin today. [ laughter ] so i went into my audition, and i put in my bag some nunchucks. and i go, if the situation arises, i'll just -- if my comedy is dying i'll pull out the nunchucks and show him ninja skills. >> jimmy: do you know actually know how to use them? >> yeah. i mean, i learned in south africa, when i lived there. it's a very dangerous country. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the weapon of choice? >> yeah. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: wow. i did not know -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: you make the sound effects and everything? >> so i did it for michael bay. and he just went, "you're in the movie. i love that. no other girl has come in an done nunchucks." >> jimmy: with nunchucks, yeah. >> yeah. [ laughter ] then hit themselves in the head and -- >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> -- had to stop for a minute. >> jimmy: it wasn't in -- part of your character to play, use nunchucks. >> no, well, my character in "pain & gain" is a nurse, who works in the penis industry. >> jimmy: so you thought she should be a nurse who knows how to use nunchucks. >> yeah, well, i just thought, doesn't he do action movies? [ laughter ] isn't nunchucks action. >> jimmy: yes. it's michael bay. but, yeah, that's true. but then here's the funny part, you guys. if you watch the movie, you use nunchucks. >> yes. [ laughter ] i was never supposed to. but i had this one bedroom scene. >> jimmy: yeah? [ laughter ] >> and, yeah. okay. people are laughing already. >> jimmy: no. there's a chapter in "50 shades of grey" they left out, yeah. >> we filmed it in miami where it was hot. >> jimmy: yeah.
>> really hot, like my hair was frizzy. both hairs. [ laughter ] it was really embarrassing. and michael bay is like, "i don't think this is very sexy." >> jimmy: yeah. >> i go, "okay, i know what will make this scene hot. nunchucks." [ laughter ] so, again, i get them out. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and michael bay's like, "we got it! we got it!" >> jimmy: so any advice to anyone auditioning, any girls out there auditioning for michael bay? >> bring nunchucks. >> jimmy: there you go. absolutely, yeah. we have a clip. here's rebel wilson and anthony mackie in the number one movie, "pain & gain." check this out. >> to my dearest adrian -- you are my sun, my moon, my "fresh prince of bel-air." i love that show. [ laughter ] my grandfather, he said to me, "never marry a black man." i don't know why. he thought they were all dodgy. he's dead now.
race didn't know, it was a cement truck. >> makes me the happiest man in the world! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: would you like to stick around? i want more time to play with you. >> yeah, totally. >> jimmy: rebel wilson and i are doing some fun improv dancing after the break. stick around, everybody. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i see you've noticed my bottle of probiotics. isn't that for digestive health? yeah and did you know trubiotics
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pronunciation of theaters. >> jimmy: only for you. >> yeah, thank you. >> jimmy: you're welcome. "pain & gain." but i loved you in "pitch perfect." >> aw, thanks. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very funny. >> i think they're going to do a sequel to that. i've already been brainstorming titles. fat pitch. [ laughter ] the pitch is back. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah. i'll keep working on those. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i wanted to play a game with you tonight. it's the improv dance game. we're going to use -- we're going to pick new dance names out of the velvety dance bag. [ laughter ] >> oh. >> jimmy: and when we pull them out, the roots will start some music, and then we're going to make up a brand-new dance for the song. >> okay, cause usually i'm asked to improvise jokes. but i've never been asked to improvise dances before. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but seeing as i am -- i've had two days of dance training, why not? [ laughter ] let's go. >> jimmy: here we go. ready? all right. >> okay.
>> jimmy: rebel, you go first. >> can i reach? >> jimmy: yeah. i don't know why i'm not looking. like it's going to spoil it. >> all right. >> jimmy: i don't know. do you -- what's the name of it? >> it's called the mick jagger chicken. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: mick jagger chicken. >> should i just go for something? >> jimmy: all right. here we go. >> okay. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. >> that's hard! >> jimmy: that's pretty good! that'll be a hard one to top. >> yeah. >> jimmy: now, here we go. velvety, velvety dance bag. >> yeah. usually when people -- i ask people to reach into my velvety pouch -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well -- thank you so much. okay. this one's called the, "i feel like someone's behind me."
all right. here we go. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: at the end when you dance i'm going to call it, i knew it. all right. this one we're going to do together. this dance has been sweeping the nation. >> okay. >> jimmy: look out for this dance. when you go to prom -- it's prom season right now. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so all the kids are looking for the new jams and the new dances to pull out for the dance. >> people will probably see this and go, wow, i need to rehearse this in my bedroom. [ laughter ] can do it at prom. >> jimmy: yes. this is like the rosetta stone of dance moves. [ laughter ] >> okay. >> jimmy: you watch this with your headphones on. >> this is going to be the latest craze. >> jimmy: check it out. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i think you'll all dig it. >> okay. no pressure. >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] >> can we choose again? >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> okay. okay -- who wrote this?
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know. >> the, "i'm holding too much eye contact while thrusting." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, man! i've -- we've never met, right? is this your card? we have never met, all right? here we go. this is it. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, rebel wilson! that dance will sweep the nation. you are the greatest. [ cheers and applause ] anthony bourdain joins us next. there he is in the bud light platinum suite. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ sfx: doorbell
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bourdain: parts unknown," which airs sunday nights at 9:00 p.m. on cnn. please welcome back to our program, anthony bourdain! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome! nice to see you, brother. it's always great to see you, pal. >> my favorite. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. >> big philly fan. >> jimmy: i know you are. welcome back to our show how's the family? i heard it was your wife's birthday the other day. >> yes. it was her birthday weekend, went to ufc and then underground mma. we spent her actual birthday -- typical romantic date for the bourdains. watching large -- >> jimmy: why would you take your wife to an mma fight? >> she took me. she's a total mixed martial arts -- well, she's a practitioner. she trains about four hours a day, brazilian jsu for her date night is watching
large sweaty men grind their elbows into each other's faces. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so romantic. i would expect nothing less from you at all. is she really tough? >> she could pretty much choke out anyone in this room. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? was she always into that? >> no. after -- >> jimmy: she met you. [ laughter ] >> after charles was born, she wanted to get her body back. started doing kick boxing. found she really liked kicking men in the head. that escalated into a full time mixed martial arts thing. and now she's competing in brazilian jujitsu. it really is a good feeling going into a bar knowing that my wife could pretty much take anyone in here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's pretty cool. i want to see her compete. i'll root for her. i got to say, i watch you all the time. anything you're involved in, i love. because i know you don't fool around. you make sure whatever you do is great. from the comic to the -- the comic you did. the graphic novel, sorry.
that you did about euro. but anything you do, they might have a chef. which if you haven't seen this, david chang, you and david chang got together. it was on pbs. you can get it on apple tv. probably on netflix, too, right? >> yeah. it's unbelievable. if you like food, if you like funny, smart people, you will enjoy this. >> dave's great -- >> jimmy: how did you guys get together we were -- zero point zero the production company, my long term partners and dave were all working on an app together. and generating a lot of content. the app did not work the way we wanted it. and we said well let's make a tv show out of it. it ended up being really smart, really fun, as anything with dave chang involved. >> jimmy: it's so fun. you travel the world. you know how to do this now. >> i'm having a lot of fun. >> jimmy: you're on cnn now. it's a different move. no travel, no food involved. >> cnn. justeeew ago -- >> jimmy: it and wolf blitzer. congratulations. >> hey, he's a party animal, wolf. >> jimmy: is he really? >> oh, he gets crazy.
"the situation room" after dark, once they finish shooting. it's -- bean bag chair. >> jimmy: he turns into a human. when the full moon comes out. >> the lava laand bean bags come out. bong rips. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. there you go. very good. >> they brought me to the office for the first time and they gave me -- they actually gave me a laminated pass that lets me move around in the building. swipe and the doors open. for a week i would go in there and i keep expecting security to tackle me. this can't be happening. >> jimmy: it's cnn. i mean, that's major. that's a giant news corporation. >> they made it possible for me to go anywhere i want and continue to make tv pretty much anyway i want. >> jimmy: i want to talk about -- 'cause i know you're a fan of "apocalypse now." you went to the congo. >> "apocalypse now" was based on joseph conrads "heart of darkness." i've long been obsessed with sort of tracking that -- that plot. th sry arc across the map to the heart of africa, the heart of the congo.
it's an incredible, tragic and deep story. and you know, that line in "apocalypse now." i wanted a mission and for my sins they gave me one. it was a really difficult shoot, zi, very hairy time. >> jimmy: really. >> you know, it's an example of the show that no other network would have ever let me do. >> jimmy: people probably ask you all the time, what do i do if i go -- do you have any advice for tourists if you are traveling what's the best place to eat? >> find out what the specialty is of the place. let's say in laksa noodle soup, pho in saigon. and then provoke nerd fury online. >> jimmy: provoke nerds to get angry at you. >> go to like, a food website and say i just returned from saigon. and had the best, you know, pho in the entire world. no one makes better soup than this. then hundreds and hundreds of food nerds will pile on and tell you how stupid and worthless you are and where you should have gone. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah.
>> use that information. >> jimmy: and go to that place. it's like tai chi. you're using their energy against themselves. >> exactly. >> jimmy: anthony bourdain everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "anthony bourdain: parts unknown," airs sunday night at 9:oo p.m. on cnn. we love you buddy. gary busey joins us next. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ female announcer ] degree antiperspirant does more for you, so you can do more. ♪ ♪ only degree has motionsense activated by your movement, the more you move the more it protects. ♪ do more. ♪ degree. it won't let you down.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: last night our next guest was fired by donald trump on "all-star celebrity apprentice." please welcome, we're happy to have him on our show, the one and only gary busey everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for doing that sketch with us earlier, because i think people forget how good your voice is. you can sing. >> no, i don't forget those kind of things. >> jimmy: no you don't. [ laughter ] not you. i meant people watching. you -- of course, you're buddy holly. >> well i'm his messenger. >> jimmy: yeah.
>> and i realized at months -- four months after i did the buddy holly story movie, and this was 35th year anniversary of the movie -- >> jimmy: is that right? [ cheers and applause ] >> that i was -- hey! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's a fantastic performance. one of the -- >> look how darn good you look. >> jimmy: you talking to yourself or me? >> no, i'm talking to you in there. but you're right here, so you heard it twice. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: gary, explain to everyone what a buseyism is. >> a buseyism. okay. >> jimmy: a buseyism. >> a buseyism is when i take the letters to spell the word, and create a definition for the word. and i have a special guest for my friend jimmy. >> jimmy: okay. >> i'm going to sign this for him. >> jimmy: i will frame this. i don't know what it is yet. >> and put "to jimmy."
>> jimmy: thank you. >> it is the buseyism for the word "fart." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you. >> fart. f-a-r-t. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ fart! >> jimmy: yes! thank you. >> stands for. f-a-r-t stands for, feeling a rectal transmission. >> jimmy: thank you very much gary. ♪ i thought it was going to be a picture of you as buddy holly, but thank you. >> that's not all. we have this word. faith. >> jimmy: yes. fantastic adventures in trusting him. >> jimmy: hey, there you go. [ applause ] >> and we have this word. >> jimmy: i think that's too close to fart.
>> fun. fun stands for, finally understanding nothing. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: that's true actually. >> and the word truth, talking -- taking real understanding to heart. and the truth requires no questions. >> jimmy: gary -- >> i have a book that i'm shopping now with a great agent at icm. dan dan the publishing man. and it's this thick. >> jimmy: it sounds like you should get a different agent. his name is dan dan the publishing man? >> that's what i call him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you got to be careful. look at his id when you talk to him. >> but you know, when you choose a name for somebody that relevates the truth and exposes the core of their own magic within themselves they own. you have a friend and an ally for life. >> jimmy: there you go. that's a way of looking -- that's a different way of looking at things. that's why i think you went as far as you did in "celebrity apprentice." and everyone looked forward to seeing you do whatever you're going to do. you always did something out of the ordinary. >> yeah. and i don't plan that.
>> jimmy: no. that's what makes it good. [ laughter ] >> my -- my disposition, or my character, my persona on "celebrity apprentice" is artful, mysterious, and spiritual. >> jimmy: you got to give it up for gary busey. [ cheers ] when we come back we have stand-up from retta! come on back, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: our next guest is a hilarious comedienne and member of the awesome cast of "parks and recreation," which airs thursday night at 9:30 p.m. here on nbc. please give it up for retta! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> hello! how are you? is it exciting to see me? [ cheers ] i thought it might be. so i -- i'm not here to sugar coat anything. i'm here to speak the truth. we're all a little racist. [ laughter ] we are. what i can't accept is when people are boldly racist. i prefer old school racism, where you talk trash about me behind my back, or behind closed doors. now, old school racism is not to
be confused with old fashioned racism. these are two very different things. old school racism is passive, while old fashioned racism is much more aggressive. [ laughter ] a little more in your face. you know, with all the rage in the '50s and '60s with its high powered fire hoses and its public hangings. [ laughter ] yeah. it happened. it's not the kind of racism i prefer. because quite frankly, i don't like to get my hair wet. [ laughter ] you know what i'm saying? so i can accept that we're all a little racist. i include myself in that. i still make generalizations about you people. [ laughter ] for example, i still believe that white people can't really feel cold. which is why you can wear shorts and -fegree weather. [ laughter ] as a black woman who turns on her heat in september, i find this to be a bit peculiar. [ laughter ] but as an old school racist, i keep that mess to myself. [ laughter ] you know what i'm saying?
it's only during high stress situations that i find that my racism rears its ugly head. like when i've been in line for h the blond in front of me insists on flipping her hair forward and back, forward and back, until it brushes across my face and sticks to my lip gloss. [ laughter ] that is a situation where a white girl might find herself getting smacked by a black woman. okay? [ laughter and applause ] or at the airport when the ticket agent announces that they will begin boarding first class. and the execive plinum frequent flier business traveler bumps and pushes past me. 'cause he assumes i'm flying animal class with the rest of the plebs. excuse you, john jay mccallister iii, i'm assigned to seat 2-d bitch, recognize. [ laughter and applause ] okay?
but my racism is most evident, when i am driving. because i have an obscene and unrelenting case of road rage. i am what you might call, a psycho bitch behind the wheel. [ laughter ] who's also a little racist. but i'm here -- [ laughter ] to tell you that it is a new, what, freaking day people. it is a new freaking day. because i'm in my car, and i'm heading towards the intersection. i am driving east to west. there's a young lady in a white bmw. she's heading towards the same intersection. she is moving north to south. now she too, would like to travel east to west. so my light is about to turn yellow. so all she has to do is wait ten seconds, for the right of way. but instead of waiting the ten seconds for her rightful turn, she takes it upon herself to risk my life and property by gunning it and making the turn just as i enter the intersection. this little entitled bitch --
and i think at this point we all know what i was really thinking -- this little entitled white bitch cuts me off. [ laughter ] so i -- i immediately go to my angry black woman who has no patience for entitled white bitches place. right? [ laughter ] so now, i'm about to gun it so i can pull up next to her and give her the bitch, you know who the [ bleep ] you just cut the hell off? right? [ cheers and applause ] i am ready to intimidate the snot out of her, when i notice she has an obama, "hope" sticker on her bumper. and that's when i thought to myself, you know what? i'm going to let this one go. yep. [ laughter and applause ] yep. i'm going to give you a pass on this one marcy. 'cause it is a new, what, freaking day. just know this type of nonsense didn't fly during the bush administration. [ laughter ] yeah. i'd have lit your ass up. know this. [ applause ]
because normally -- normally i would want to strangle this trick. but it was that obama hope sticker that convinced me to barack the choke, and let that bitch go. [ laughter and applause ] that's my time, thank you guys for listening. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: retta everybody! the season finale of "parks and recreation" airs this thursday, may 2nd, at 9:30 p.m. on nbc. follow retta on twitter @unforettable. my thanks to rebel wilson, anthony bourdain, gary busey, retta once again! [ cheers and applause ] and the greatest band in late night, the roots standing over there! [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for carson daly. thanks for watching, have a great night and i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪