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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  February 11, 2015 11:34pm-12:37am PST

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double-take, and take a look, at the new quirky traffic signs popping up across the city. one says it is a speed limit and not a suggestion. another one head's up, cross the street, and then update the facebook. the city officials are hoping that the new signs that cost about $200 each are a cost effective way to urge drivers to slow down. >> it is certainly clever. [ laughter ] >> it is fun. >> all right. tomorrow morning, jeff, how are we looking? >> cloud cover across the bay and the temperatures in the 40s across the south bay, and as we head throughout the afternoon, we should see the temperatures in the low to mid-70s here for the south way right on up to the north bay. it is not may, but it is february. yes. >> it is warm. thank you, and have a great day tomorrow. >> bye-bye. >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his
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guests -- hugh grant, charles barkley, comedian kyle kinane, and featuring the legendary roots crew >> questlove: 208! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, that's what i'm talking about. hey, everybody. welcome! [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. thank you for being here. welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. this is the show to be at. [ cheers and applause ] this is the show to watch. "the tonight show."
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hot show. hot show. but first, here's what people are talking about. it's this tell all book by david axelrod, one of president obama's former strategists. he's revealing all kinds of stuff like the fact that apparently obama chose joe biden as his vp because of his energy and enthusiasm. [ laughter ] you know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals. like, "yo, sorry about your bro, dude! hey, what's up?" [ laughter ] obama chose joe biden as his vp because of his energy and enthusiasm, which is the same reasons he picked his dog bo. the same exact thing. it's very interesting. [ laughter and applause ] joe, not so fast. beau, get back. axelrod also said in his new book that obama lied to americans to get votes in 2008 when he said he opposed gay marriage. of course, republicans have already turned it into a a scandal. ben-gay-zi. [ laughter ] it's trending right now.
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>> steve: very convenient, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. and this is interesting here. after it was announced that andrew garfield may not return to the role of spider-man, many fans -- [ audience aws ] yeah, it's just a rumor. i'm not sure. >> steve: just a rumor. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but many fans online, everyone is saying that the next spider-man should be black. [ cheers ] yeah. we actually have through "tonight show" technology" -- [ laughter ] we have a picture of what spider-man would look like if he were played by a black actor. check this out. there you go. >> steve: wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there you go. your little sneak peek. first time anyone's ever seen it. and that's trending too. [ applause ] black spider-man's trending. >> steve: yeah, trending. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. >> steve: ben-gay-zi and black spider-man. >> jimmy: that's correct. [ light laughter ] speaking of movies, though, did you hear about russia? they announced a new law that's going to let them to delay the release dates for hollywood movies if they conflict too much with local russian movies. yeah. i don't see what the big deal is. they've actually been doing this for years. for example, they delayed the release of "kung fu panda" for the russian movie "death bear kill everyone."
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[ laughter and applause ] i thought it was a great movie. they delayed "frozen" for the russian movie "summer in russia." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: wow. summer. >> jimmy: yeah. they delayed the release of "sleepy hollow" because of the russian movie "the shirtless horseman." [ laughter and applause ] they delayed the release of "fifty shades of grey." [ audience ohs ] for the russian film "box of russian crayons." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: wow. "fifty shades of grey." >> jimmy: with crayons darker gray and lighter gray. that's so cute. he drew house. he drew parking lot with rocks and bricks. [ laughter ] next, they delayed "gone girl." yeah. so, it wouldn't compete with "average behavior for russian woman." [ laughter ] >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: it's unbelievable. they shouldn't be able to do that. >> steve: that's crazy. >> jimmy: of course, the big movie everybody's talking about, "fifty shades of grey" comes out this weekend. [ cheers ] it's going to be a giant movie.
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and everyone's trying to capitalize on it. there's even a travel company offering erotic vacations for swingers and nudists. [ laughter ] or as the people no one ever wants to see naked put it, "we'll be there. yeah, yeah. where do we sign up? how much, man? see you on the courts, dude." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: ball boy! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. they're coming up with all kinds of stuff for this "fifty shades of grey." they're coming out with nail polish, a wine. but i was looking at some other products. i'm not so sure it's a good idea. i mean, well, i'll show you what i mean. the first one i think is a good idea. mars candy releasing "s & m&ms." [ laughter ] i think it's clever. it's now. it's trending. it's trending right now. if you look on -- >> steve: that's trending too? >> jimmy: go to trender. go to trender and see what's trending. >> steve: it's trending. >> jimmy: yeah, it is. >> steve: "hurts to eat." well, all right. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: trending right now.
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but this one does not make any sense. oscar mayer is releasing their new "remind you of something?" brand hot dogs. [ laughter ] >> steve: that seems off. >> jimmy: that's just going to ruin my meal, yeah. [ laughter ] that's not trending. >> steve: that's not trending at all. >> jimmy: no. i know what's trending and what's not trending. >> steve: yeah, that's not trending. >> jimmy: this made me laugh. i don't know if you saw this video, you guys. this is a true story. this is a real video, a home video. apparently, this woman adopted a cockatoo. you know the bird? and i guess it used to live with couples who were going through a divorce. because the bird keeps mimicking fights from its previous -- its previous owners. you can't really understand what the bird's saying, bird talk. but still, it's definitely -- tell me if it doesn't sound like a couple arguing. watch this. [ bird squawking ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: isn't that great? [ cheers and applause ]
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polly wants a lawyer, yeah. [ laughter ] i don't know if you heard about this. there's a new app that lets people book a hotel room for just a few hours. the time between check-out and check-in, called hotels by day. it's better than its old name, for hookers by hookers. [ laughter ] that name is too on the nose. finally, i was watching "family feud," as i watch all the time. my man steve harvey is awesome. a few nights ago -- [ cheers and applause ] oh, he's great. one of my favorite shows. there's a pretty good moment here that just shows that you can learn a lot about contestants from their answers on that show. take a look at this. >> name something a doctor might pull out of a person. [ buzzer ] darcy. >> a gerbil. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: then, her husband was like why's everyone looking at me? [ laughter ] we have a great show, everybody. give it up for the roots!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's been a great week so far. there's more ahead. tomorrow night colin firth will be here. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we always have fun with that guy. >> steve: love that dude. >> jimmy: we're going to play a a game of catchphrase. then, on friday we have samuel l. jackson will be here. norman reedus from "the walking dead" will be here. jessie j. will be here and "thank you notes." it's a big week. [ cheers and applause ] but first, we have a fun show tonight. i love this guy. he's got a new movie called "the rewrite." hugh grant is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] i love hugh grant. ladies love hugh grant. dudes love hugh grant. plus, he's in town to cover the nba all-star weekend on tnt. it is always great having him on the show. he just doesn't care what he says, man. he's just the greatest guy to have on the show.
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charles barkley is stopping by. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: one of the greatest -- >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: basketball players. and since we're all sportsmen, hugh grant, charles barkley and i are going to play a round of hallway golf. >> steve: ooh. [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's going to be ridiculous. you don't want to miss it. it's pretty good, though. and we also like to have new stand-ups on the show. this guy's super duper funny. we have very good stand-up from kyle kinane, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] he's going to tell some jokes. he's fantastic. guys, the nba all-star game's coming up this weekend. but it's right here in new york city. so, everyone's got the buzz here on the streets. i just can't wait to watch it myself. after the all-star game, they give out most valuable player. but they also give out awards before the game. it's sort of like the ones in high school yearbooks like "most likely to succeed," "class clown," stuff like that. so, with that in mind, it's time for "tonight show" superlatives. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ "tonight show" superlatives ♪
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>> jimmy: our first player is james harden, guard for the houston rockets. he was voted "most likely to audition for the show 'dunk dynasty.'" [ laughter ] i didn't even know that was a a show. our next player is anthony davis from the new orleans pelicans. he was voted "most likely to hit a three and say one, two, three points, ha, ha, ha, ha." [ laughter and applause ] two-pointer! three! [ laughter ] next up is demarcus cousins from the sacramento kings. he was voted "most likely to have just found out beck won album of the year." [ laughter ] next up is kyle korver from the hawks. he was voted "most likely to be the love child of a a calvin klein model and a a calvin klein mannequin." [ laughter and applause ] that seems like a rare award. they don't give that out. >> steve: they don't give those out very often. >> jimmy: no, not to many
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people. this is jeff teague from the atlanta hawks. he was voted "most likely to be the backup dancer that madonna almost kisses and grabs his face and pushes him away." i've seen that guy. i know that move. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: next from the miami heat we have chris bosh. >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: he was voted "most athletic voldemort." [ laughter and applause ] let's see that. oh, yeah, not too shabby. [ laughter ] >> steve: don't mention his name, you know? >> jimmy: next up is marc gasol from the memphis grizzlies. he was voted "most likely to use flannel condoms." [ laughter ] i didn't even know -- they make those? >> steve: i didn't know they make those. >> jimmy: i didn't know they made them. >> steve: they're grungy. >> jimmy: grungy. >> steve: plays for the trojans. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did he used to? >> steve: yeah, i think he was. i'm not a sports guy. i don't know, but i've heard. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: next we have steph curry from the golden state warriors. he was voted "most likely to get carded when he orders
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milk." [ laughter and applause ] sorry, can't give you 2%, buddy. next up for the new york knicks we have carmelo anthony. he was voted 'most likely to be trying to cover up what team he plays for." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] finally, from the toronto raptors is kyle lowry. he was voted "most likely to be posing for his sixth grade class picture." [ laughter and applause ] let's see what that looks like here. yeah! that's it right there. [ cheers and applause ] there you go. those are your nba all-star superlatives. we're going to be right back with hugh grant, everyone. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ there are lots of reasons to finish college.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a a talented actor who stars in the new movie "the rewrite," which is in theaters and video on demand on friday. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome hugh grant!
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about right there. this is a movie star here. hugh grant, welcome to our show. thank you for being here. you already you look like you're upset. because -- [ laughter ] you mentioned something backstage, you don't feel well. and you came out here, and i can sense in this attitude that there is something that's on your brain. but you look great. you don't look like you're sick. >> i'm fractionally a a hypochondriac, it has to be said. >> jimmy: yes, yes. i could see that, 'cause you've overreacting. what happened? >> it's happened to me in my middle age. i like to see a specialist at least once a week for a a life-threatening disease. >> jimmy: you do, though, right? >> yeah, no, i love it. in fact, one of my children loves it too. his favorite thing is to say "doctor, doctor." just wants to go to the doctor all the time. >> jimmy: he's taken that from
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dad, yeah. >> yeah, and i love it. >> jimmy: there's nothing wrong with you. >> they can't find what it is. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what's insane. yeah. >> but there is something very badly wrong with me. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, of course. >> my symptoms don't make any sense to anyone. and i can only describe them. >> jimmy: give them to me. >> it's like -- yeah get this -- it's like someone's picked me up by the scruff of the neck, like a kitten, and i feel very weak and the back of my head hurts. and my tongue feels very heavy. it's not there all the time. it just comes on. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> in fact, i call it kitten syndrome, because it actually seems to make it better if i hold my hands like this. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not true at all. >> i don't have it now. is it all right if i -- >> jimmy: go for, it please. you can have a couple licks if you feel like it. >> but it's very difficult. it's very difficult to -- >> jimmy: you've diagnosed yourself. >> i've seen doctors on both sides of the atlantic. >> jimmy: how would you fix it? just a bowl of milk?
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[ laughter ] >> the worst guy -- bowl of milk. there was a guy in london i got sent to recently. someone said, "oh, no, he's the best. he's brilliant. he's brilliant." and he was a terrifying giant. when i walked into the room, he's this huge irishman, ginger haired, huge beard, like something out of 1910. >> jimmy: yeah. he wants to box you -- bare-fist box you? >> yeah, yeah. and he said, "right. take your clothes off except your panties." so i did that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: in america men don't -- well -- [ laughter ] >> well, in britain we do. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not true. >> then he put me on a table and tried with all of his strength, which was considerable, to pull all my limbs off. just -- i felt like a chicken being jointed. >> jimmy: yes, absolutely. yes. >> then he flipped me over. >> jimmy: there you go. >> this sounds dodgy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no -- >> flipped me over on my front -- >> jimmy: there you go. >> came around, grabbed my hair, and ruffled it savagely what i should think half an hour. it was agony. i said, "what the hell are you doing?"
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>> jimmy: yeah. >> and he said, "no, no, no, it's a famous cherokee cure." i said, "cherokee? it's agony." anyway, i suffered it for half an hour. then i looked up and he was there red-faced, sweating with his hands full of my hair, and he said, "you're fixed now, it will be 500 pounds." [ laughter ] and i paid up, like a lamb. and i'm much, much worse and i have less hair. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: maybe it's just a a bully of yours that you offended from high school. maybe you should just check facebook. see if he just wants to mess with you, mess your hair up. smack you around the office for a little while. >> well, i was a bit bullied. >> jimmy: were you bullied? no. >> no. only by hallet. hallet really hated me. >> jimmy: that was his name? >> yeah. >> jimmy: sounds like a a character in "game of thrones." [ laughter ] >> but he bullied me and he wanted me at the same time. >> jimmy: again, it sounds like "game of thrones." it's very, very interesting. [ laughter ] you have kids of your own now. what do you have? i have similar age -- i have a year and a half. >> yeah. i have a three-year-old and two two-year-olds. >> jimmy: aw, two-year-olds.
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they're the cutest thing, right? do you love it? >> i do. i do. i was taken by surprise by how much i love it. >> jimmy: yeah. what do you watch on -- do you watch any adult shows anymore? >> adult shows? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, i mean like -- no, no. no, no, no, i mean -- stop. hey, no, stop. i mean shows that grown-ups would enjoy. [ laughter ] sitcoms maybe. you know, chat shows. that's what i meant. >> with the children? >> jimmy: yeah. >> no, no. we just watch "peppa pig" over and over and over again. >> jimmy: that's what i watch. i love "peppa pig!" >> yes, i'm quite into it. >> jimmy: muddy puddles. >> muddy puddles. i fancy the teacher, madam gazelle. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> i think she's hot. even though she's a gazelle. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. no, i love "peppa pig." every time they laugh they go, "ha, ha, ha" -- [ snort ] [ laughter ] i'm a big fan of "peppa pig." >> yeah, i love it too. >> jimmy: that's supposed to be fun. but are they used to dad being at home or on the set? >> well, they don't really know what i do for a living.
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partly because i don't do much of what i do for a living anymore. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, but you're hugh grant. kind of just putting them out, like, knocking some homers. >> i got sidetracked into a a ridiculous political campaign in britain. but occasionally i make a film. and one child, my 3-year-old girl -- well, now when i say, "hey, look who's here," she says "hugh grant." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, daddy. dada. >> yeah, yeah. she only calls me hugh grant. >> jimmy: well, me too. that makes both of us. if i called you daddy, that would be weird. [ laughter ] but i'm glad you're doing movies. you're great in movies. you know this. people must have told you this. you're fantastic in movies. >> butter me up. i like that. >> jimmy: no, that's what i do. i mean it. >> you're great in movies, too. come back. >> jimmy: no, no, i'm not. but it's okay -- but that's why you're a great actor and i'm not. but this is another great one. i know this director. you worked with him before. >> marc lawrence is his name. >> jimmy: marc lawrence. he's fantastic. and this movie is called "the rewrite." >> yes.
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>> jimmy: and i'll set it up for you. this is what it is. >> you're going to set it up. >> jimmy: yeah, i'll set it up. >> you may do it badly. >> jimmy: no. here's what it is. >> jimmy: it's you. you're a professor. but you were an oscar-winning screenwriter. and then you came out of the business and you're like, "i'm just kind of bored with the business." became a professor. you're a drunk. you're a mean dude. you start teaching. and then you kind of hit it off with this student of yours. and then the magic comes back. and the nice guy comes out of hugh grant, the one we want to see at the end of the movie. and it's a fantastic film. >> yeah, i give you b-minus for that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: where did i go off? where was i wrong? >> well, he's a very reluctant teacher. you know, he was a very famous screenwriter and now he can't get a job. and so, to his horror, he has to accept a job teaching in this university. and he does behave very badly. but then as you say, he gets nicer. >> jimmy: that's exactly what i just said! [ laughter ] this is unbelievable. i should have gotten a b-plus. or an a-minus. yeah. but i love -- we want to see you play that. we want to see you being hugh. [ laughter ]
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>> what, are you saying that i only play myself? >> jimmy: no. i'm not saying you play yourself. but only you know how to play hugh. if i played hugh -- if i played you as hugh -- [ laughter ] you know -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] don't leave. don't leave. you're going to walk out. don't walk out. just stay. >> i'll tell you what i'm going to do. i'm going to slightly freeze you. it's not like i'm sulky. i'm going to be slightly quieter now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's how you get me. >> i had a girlfriend who did that. she didn't go completely sulky. she just turned up the air-conditioning one bit. and it's scarier. are you all right? what's up? nothing. i'm fine. i'm absolutely fine. >> jimmy: having a great time. that's when you start hearing the silverware clanking. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: what's going on? absolutely, yeah. i want to show a clip of this, because it's good, it's charming, it's funny, it's hugh grant. he's good. this is him making a first
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impression in "the rewrite." take a look at this. >> just, honestly, everything seems to be about female empowerment. any meeting i go to in hollywood, someone says you know what we need? a kick-ass girl. that will be a great twist. except every movie has a a kick-ass girl. some martial arts, cgi, slow-motion woman who kicks the crap out of every man in her path. can i tell you what would be truly innovative? a woman without i kick-ass girl. or better yet a movie where a a woman gets her ass kicked. [ laughter ] >> perhaps you'd like to kick mine. >> don't be silly. i didn't mean literally. besides, not much of a target there. i mean it in a very nice way. because you're in great shape. you're svelte. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. you know how to do it, buddy. >> i'd like to just ask you how much stammering there was in that particular -- >> jimmy: maybe you've changed
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your style. i don't know. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i wanted to ask you -- again, please don't leave. i was going to ask you if you'd like to stick around and play a a game of hallway golf. do you know what this is? >> yes. i love hallway golf. i've played a lot of hallway golf in my life. >> jimmy: for real? >> yeah. especially as a younger, drunker man. [ laughter ] which is harder. when i was younger and i lived with my brother, who was a very important banker, and he'd be in bed trying to get ready for the next day and i would come back drunk with my friends and then we'd play indoor golf. up the stairs. and the hole would be his open, sleeping mouth. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you had a great brother, man. more with hugh grant when we come back. stick around. this will be fun. this is going to be fun. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ my tempur-pedic made me fall
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. hugh grant and i are about to play a round of hallway golf, but we need to up the stakes. and luckily, we have a a world-class athlete here to help us out tonight. please welcome two-time olympic gold medalist and 11-time nba all-star, sir charles barkley! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about right there. that's what i'm talking about there. sir charles. nice to see you, buddy. >> thank you, thank you. >> hugh: hey. >> how are you doing? nice to see you. >> jimmy: all right. now, this is how this is going work. we're going to take turns
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teeing off onto that beautiful fairway off the stage. once we've all teed off, we're going to jump in the cart and ride to the first ball. okay? now, once we get out of the cart, it turns into speed golf. okay? so, it's a race to see who can get their ball around the hallway, back into the studio and into the hole right over here. now, we don't count strokes. we don't keep score. once we get out of the cart, it's just a race to see who can finish the round first. [ laughter ] you guys ready for a round of hallway golf? >> is this the finish line? >> jimmy: that's can the finish line. that's exactly what they call it in golf. the finish line. [ laughter and applause ] you've golfed before! >> hugh: you were on a special thing, a tv show about your swing. >> jimmy: yeah, he's got a a great swing. >> hugh: you've got a quality swing. >> i'm a regular old tiger woods. >> jimmy: that's exactly it. now, hugh grant, you tee off. you go ahead. you're the yellow ball, i believe. charles, we'll stand over here. i guess i'm the blue ball. [ laughter ] >> do you play golf? >> hugh: i used to. >> okay.
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>> hugh: well, i'm panicking. >> jimmy: you can go for it, buddy. whoa! >> steve: hey! >> jimmy: oh, he hit it so good it's come back. that was a great swing, though. you got a good swing. >> hugh: that threw my back out completely. >> ooh. that's pretty good. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: don't laugh. [ laughter ] you can't laugh at yourself before you swing. come on. >> i've got no idea what's going to happen here. >> jimmy: i swear i won't do anything. quest, drum roll, please. [ drum roll ] >> hugh: this is funny. i have seen his swing. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was the best one, man. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i'll take your driver. i'll take your driver. now, i'm going to get some five
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irons here. okay, get in the cart. we'll drive to the first ball. and then once we get out -- here's your five iron. >> thank you. >> jimmy: hugh. >> hugh: okay. >> jimmy: that's great. you getting on back? >> yeah. you got plenty of money if i sue you. >> jimmy: no, no. don't sue anybody. all the way around. >> hugh: i should just point out is if i don't win, i get very nasty. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. >> i'm the yellow one? >> jimmy: yeah. >> hey, don't go too far. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: ready? on your marks. get set -- >> hugh: with our own ball? >> jimmy: no, you have to find your own ball. >> that's it right there. >> jimmy: start here. and then let's go. that's yours, charles. >> no, no. that's not mine. >> jimmy: let's try it. go. we've got to go. here we go! go, charles, go! [ laughter ] >> get out of there. why is your ball there?
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jimmy, what are you doing to my ball? [ laughter ] [ cheers ] ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our thanks to hugh grant and charles barkley! more "tonight show" after the break! stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ how much money do you have in your pocket right now? i have $40, $21. could something that small make
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: joining us right now is the best basketball commentator around. he's part of a huge nba all-star weekend on tnt that
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tips off 7:00 p.m. tomorrow night and goes all the way through the game which will simulcast on both tnt and tbs, starting at 8:00 p.m. on sunday. please welcome a great guy and a great golfer. mr. charles barkley, ladies and gentlemen. ♪ [ cheers and applausse ] >> jimmy: charles barkley! >> thanks for having me back. >> jimmy: you are the -- you make everything more fun. i love having you around. >> you know, life is too short. i've been blessed to play a a stupid game of basketball. so, i've had a good life. i had a good run. >> jimmy: you were saying that backstage, you said that there are only five real jobs in the world. >> yeah, teacher, fireman, policeman, doctor, somebody who's in the armed service. everybody else should just shut the hell up and enjoy life. [ laughter ] you know? don't take yourself so serious.
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[ cheers and applause ] people talk about all these jocks. jocks don't have bad days. when you're making $25 million a year, you might be in last place, but it ain't that bad. [ laughter ] you know? it ain't that bad at all. >> jimmy: no, no, no. i like these rants, because i go on your website. and i watch you -- you can go on and you'll see him. he has a lot of good rants. >> there's things that annoy me, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, no -- >> you know what i like? i like vodka. i don't want no damn vanilla vodka. i don't want coconut vodka. i don't want raspberry vodka. i just want vodka. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i know, i know what' you're saying -- >> you know what i want when i go to domino's? >> jimmy: what? >> just pizza. >> jimmy: that's it, yeah. [ laughter ] >> i don't want no wings. >> jimmy: no, you don't want wings. >> i don't want no bread. >> jimmy: no. >> i don't want breadsticks. when i go to domino's, i just want pizza. >> jimmy: pizza, yeah. we've got new pizza-stuffed crust pizza. >> oh, now they're selling pasta. [ laughter ] if i wanted pasta i'd go to
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apple garden -- uh, uh, olive garden. [ laughter ] come on, man. >> jimmy: we're on to something. let's open up apple garden, then we'll -- no, but one thing that made me laugh, there was a rant and i tweeted it out the other day, because it made me laugh. you were just mad at people wanting to go to space. space travel. >> i saw people paying like $250,000 to go to space. who the hell want to go to space? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: don't you want to see like, i don't know -- >> no. no. no, i don't. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like a star -- >> i want to go to new york. i want to go to las vegas. you know, i want to go to l.a. don't come to my house. no, i don't want to go to space. >> jimmy: no, you don't get it. >> that's just stupid. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> don't act like y'all don't agree with me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, let's talk about this.
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tnt, they got you working this week, man. >> yeah, it sucks. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, it's good. it's a job. you can't complain. it's one of the five non-jobs. >> yeah, but you know, we're used to working -- like, normally, when we work we go in at 8:00 and we're on till 2:30 in the morning. but we actually only work an hour. and we show two basketball games, but before the game, halftime, between games, halftime, and after the game, we're pretty much only on an hour. >> jimmy: yeah, you go home. >> we're on like five, six hours a day this week. it's awful. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you can't say that. you're so blessed. you have to. >> it's like a real job. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it can't -- now i understand what you're trying to say. all these jobs for your job is almost like one real job. >> they get all their money's worth the next four days. they do. >> jimmy: they do. they're doing weird things i've never heard of. are you hosting -- is there a fashion show? >> they just add stuff for the hell of it. [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: what's the fashion show? >> i guess they're going to have a bunch of nba players dress. and i think me and kenny -- >> jimmy: kevin hart's going to be there, right? >> kevin hart. kevin, anytime you're around kevin -- he's one of the funniest people in the world. [ applause ] >> jimmy: he seriously is one of the funniest humans in the world. you just bend over you're laughing so hard. >> the only problem around kevin, you have to be careful, because he's this tall. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a lot of people aren't as tall as you are. >> but he's not taller than anybody. [ laughter ] you can actually -- if you turn too quickly, you could step on him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not true. that's not true at all. >> you can't. but like some of the big guys can. [ laughter ] you know, he keeps winning. he keeps winning. he plays in the celebrity basketball games. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and he keeps winning m.v.p. he thinks it's because he can play. it's because he's the same height as the little guy on the trophy. [ laughter ] that's the only reason. >> jimmy: he can't lift up the trophy, because it's like lifting yourself. like a strong-man competition.
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>> the only reason he win m.v.p., it's like he's this tall, the little man on there. that's why they give it to him. >> jimmy: that's it. they're just trying to be nice to him. >> but he's a wonderful guy. >> jimmy: oh, he's the most fun. but the whole all-star weekend is a fun weekend. >> you know, the nba does a a fabulous -- you know, we do a a fabulous job because all the -- it's like a bunch of living legends walking around. we do a magnificent job of inviting all the older guys back who did all the heavy lifting. >> jimmy: yeah. >> for guys like myself. you know, bill russell always comes. clyde frazier's going to be huge this weekend. >> jimmy: he's got to be in the fashion show, please. >> moses malone, dr. j, tiny archibald. >> jimmy: you ever see clyde's suits? >> no, no, no. clyde's not going to that, oh, no. did you see the thing dwight howard had on last night? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. >> come on, man. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just describe it abstractly. what is it? >> it -- it was blue -- was a white jacket and it had
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like blue things spread out all over it. [ laughter ] it had like, one here, one here -- it was awful. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did he look like one of katy perry's backup dancers? >> he looked like katy perry. [ laughter ] ♪ like when she was flying across the super bowl. >> jimmy: yeah. that was like dwight howard. you have to watch charles barkley working hard this weekend covering the nba all-star game. he's the best in the business. on tnt. we have stand-up from kyle kinane after the break, everybody. stick around. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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a car that can see trouble... ...and stop itself to avoid it. when the insurance institute for highway safety tested front crash prevention nobody beat subaru models with eyesight. not honda. not ford or any other brand. subaru eyesight. an extra set of eyes, every time you drive. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a a very, very funny comedian. his new special is entitled "i liked his old stuff better." [ laughter ] it's currently airing on comedy central. and the album is also for sale on itunes. please welcome to "the tonight show," the hilarious kyle kinane, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> all right! hello! thanks for having me, james. i appreciate it. [ laughter ] i've got great news. i just turned 38 years old!
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yeah! [ cheers and applause ] yeah. i didn't think i was going to live this long. i didn't plan for this. i was supposed to die when i was 12 in a bmx accident. i don't know. [ laughter ] i was just trying to jump off the roof of the garage. like, "play motley crue at my funeral! later, dudes!" and now here i am at 38, acting like i know what a 1099 is. i don't know. [ laughter ] but i accept it. i accept being this age. like what comes along with it. like i have to accept that at 38, that when i wake up in the morning my bones sound like the last 15 seconds of microwave popcorn popping. [ laughter ] and i'm all right with that. you know? i'm okay. [ applause ] you know how it is. you get there. that first walk to the bathroom in the morning is like, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep. pep. shake the bag a little. pep, pep, pep, pep, pep. oh, there we go. we got 'em all. all right. [ laughter ] i just don't want to like -- i
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don't want to age slowly. that's what scares me. i just want to age all -- i want to age catastrophically. that's how i want to get old. [ laughter ] i just want to be fine and then one day i go to the doctor and they're like, "yeah, we've got to give you all metal bones." like all right, yeah. that sounds like something cool. i'll do that. [ laughter ] i want to hear a doctor use the phrase "experimental procedure" when describing what needs to be done. like, "your heart is bad. so we've got to put a pig's heart in there." yeah, all right. that's some like next level stuff. put two in. supercharge it. [ laughter ] i'll take that. i don't want to get to that point where, like, you're old and like you pee and then you put your pants on and then you pee just a little bit more. [ laughter ] i don't want that. because you can't even express that to people. you can't even -- if i'm walking around with metal bones and two pig's hearts, you're damn sure you're going to hear about it. i'm going to let you know what happened to me. but if i'm walking around with just a little pee in my pants, all you can wear is just this expression of just like --
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[ laughter ] what's wrong with you? i just -- i can't even -- i don't even want to go to the movies anymore. [ laughter ] i'm starting like -- the mental slipping is happening, though. i'm like starting to do that weird middle-aged stuff. like stuff that i used to see my dad do. now it's like, i'll read signs out loud. just to nobody. [ laughter ] just driving, just alone in the car. just "chipotle." [ laughter and applause ] i don't even want it. why? why'd i do that? like my brain is running diagnostic checks. you know, just to make sure everything's on board. like the system's working. like it catches me at a down time and like quick, can you read that sign? yeah. can you say it out loud? all right. all systems go. wheels up, baby. [ cheers and applause ] we're going to let you use the oven to cook dinner tonight.
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you passed the test. but it's because that system still breaks down. that's what i realized. the system still breaks down. that's why i need those tests. like i'll still bite my tongue. at 38 i'll still bite my tongue. that's unacceptable. i don't even get mad anymore. i used to bite my tongue and be like son of a -- now i'm just disappointed. [ laughter ] i bite my tongue and i'm just like, ah. what are you doing, man? it's been in there the whole time. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you've had your tongue longer than you've had your teeth. come on! [ laughter ] quick, what's that sign say? chipotle? all right. we'll give you a pass. [ laughter ] but i know i'm getting more mature. i know that. more emotionally available. i know that, because i look at pet adoption websites more than i look at pornography now when i'm online. [ laughter ]
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just because like that's an attainable fantasy. like i see that's something that could actually -- that's a a relationship that could exist in my life. and that's why -- maybe my imagination's weaker now and that's what i like. so if you see like the glow of a laptop coming out of my room at 3:00 a.m., it's not me like, "blond triplets? i wonder if they could take my underpants off with their teeth." it's me going, "man, look at this little chihuahua mix over here! i bet you me and this guy will solve mysteries together!" [ laughter ] that's it for me. thank you very much, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: kyle kinane, everybody! "i liked his old stuff better" is on itunes right now. we'll be right back, everybody. oh, my gosh. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[screams] oh! [howls] (adam) you're going down, son. [laughs]
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(adam) you're going down, son. ring ring!... progresso! it's ok that your soup tastes like my homemade. it's our slow simmered vegetables and tender white meat chicken.
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apology accepted. i'm watching you soup people. make it progresso or make it yourself you say avocado old el paso says... zesty chicken and avocado tacos in our stand 'n stuff tortillas . (record scratch) you say stand n' stuff tortillas old el paso says... start somewhere fresh check out my breakfast! i got eggs... sausage... ham... bacon... cheese...
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and toasted sourdough bread. uh, mine's easier. mmm.(eating sounds) do you know that guy? get a load of jack's loaded breakfast sandwich. what's on it? what's not on it? two freshly cracked eggs, ham, sausage, bacon, and cheese all on toasty sourdough made just for you. it's like a big ol' breakfast buffet right in your hand. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to hugh grant, charles barkley, kyle kinane once again! well done, buddy. that was awesome.
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[ cheers and applause ] thank you for that. the roots over there from philadelphia, everyone. they're good. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪


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