tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC March 13, 2015 12:36am-1:38am PDT
♪a whole new world welcome to aulani, travel and leisure winner for top family hotel in the u.s. for special offers, visit disneyaulani.com or call your travel agent. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to vin diesel, carl reiner, kobe bryant, iggy azalea and jennifer hudson, hannah davis, the cast from "saved by the bell" and the roots. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- christina aguilera, comedian colin quinn, stand-up comedy from kurt braunohler, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers! >> seth: good evening, everybody.
i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] wonderful. that's wonderful to hear. and let's get started with some political news. hillary clinton spoke in silicon valley and said she's considering a presidential bid in 2016. it's the kind of statement that has everyone asking, "will she or will she?" [ laughter ] john boehner yesterday said that president obama's veto of the keystone xl pipeline was a national embarrassment. and then, out of habit, joe biden said "here!" [ laughter and applause ] there's a new study out. we get very excited about new studies here at "late night." a new study is out, and a new study has found that the most popular type of businesses in new jersey are golf equipment stores.
though most customers come in and say, "i need a blunt object and a bag about as big as a guy." [ laughter and applause ] so it might not be just golf enthusiasts. it might be -- this is exciting news. jamaica has officially decriminalized the possession of small amounts of marijuana for personal use. [ cheers and applause ] which would be great news if anyone in jamaica had small amounts of marijuana. [ laughter ] under jamaica's new law, citizens would be allowed to keep up to two ounces of marijuana for recreational use. two ounces of marijuana, or as it's known in jamaica, a joint. [ laughter ] one solitary joint. this is pretty cool. a student in philadelphia -- at philadelphia university has created a batman costume that can with withstand punches, machetes, and baseball bats. punches, machetes, and baseball bats. in fact, the only thing it can't
withstand is his father's disappointment. [ laughter ] [ applause ] "i sent you to college to make a batman suit?" honey boo boo, you guys remember her? she got into harvard. no. [ laughter ] but wouldn't that be something? honey boo boo is recording a new music video with her family. [ audience groans ] yeah. [ laughter ] you know things aren't going well when everyone collectively groans at the idea that you're filming a new music video. but, honey boo boo is recording a new music video with her family for her original song, "the honey boo boo bop." "the honey boo boo bop." and the only way i want to hear that song is if my other choice is pharrell's "happy." [ laughter and applause ] i can't. because i love that song, but i can't hear it again. i love it, but i cannot hear it again.
a company in japan -- any robot fans here? [ cheers ] that's good news, you're going to love this. i was genuinely curious how many of you were robot fans. you never know. some nights the audience is all robot fans. [ laughter ] some nights, no robot fans. some nights, all robots. [ light laughter ] a company in japan has created a robot that looks like a polar bear -- a robot that looks like a polar bear that will be used to pick up senior citizens and carry them around the house. it's pretty cool, until your grandpa forgets that he has one. [ laughter ] "wait, no, grandpa. no, that's your robot polar bear. that's your -- is it a giant robot bear? is it white? oh, it's not white? okay, you've got to get out of the house, grandpa. that is a bear bear." [ applause ] and finally, a man in florida -- this is exciting news if you
love things that happen in florida that don't happen anywhere else. [ light laughter ] finally, a man in florida was arrested after he was caught at a public library urinating on books. [ audience groans ] so for once, the "shh" sound wasn't coming from a librarian. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, this is the 8g band. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how are we doing 8g band? so great to see you. so great to see you, fred. how are you, my buddy? >> fred: great. >> seth: great. last night, so much fun. we had the whole cast of "parks and recreation" here. it was a reunion of sorts. wasn't it lovely to see them all? >> fred: so great. >> seth: and the finale was so wonderful. and you know, it's amazing because i've known amy -- you and i have known her for so long. i've known you for so long, but the thing about you is i feel like i learn new things about you every day. and they're new accomplishments, they're new projects you're
working on. and sometimes it's so hard to believe that i worry that people at home might be watching and might be thinking -- and don't take this the wrong way -- they might be thinking that you are just coming up with these answers off the top of your head. you know? [ laughter ] but i know you well enough to know that that's not true. you know, you wouldn't do that. there's no reason for you to do that. but as i mentioned, we had that reunion for the "parks and rec" cast last night, and i heard somebody say backstage that you're trying to put together a pretty impressive reunion as well. is this true? >> fred: yes, i am, as a matter of fact. >> seth: so, what is this reunion you're putting together? >> fred: it's the reunion of the 1979 eyewitness news crew. [ laughter ] just trying to get them back together. >> seth: okay. why specifically 1979 eyewitness news? >> fred: that was the sweet spot of reporting in new york and around the world, and i just
want to get them back together. gotta get them back together. >> seth: so how many people on the eyewitness news team are we talking about, ideally, for you? >> fred: six. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay. and has it been hard? have you been met with much resistance so far, trying to get them all back together? >> fred: people seem to sort of put me on hold a lot. there's a whole lot of, like, "i'll look into who that was and if we can get these people back together for you. can we call you tomorrow about it?" and no one seems to really have the momentum to do it. >> seth: you say that they say we'll look into who that was, does that mean you don't know -- [ laughter ] you don't know who they were? >> fred: i don't bother myself with details like that, that's not my business. that's like -- that's for somebody else. >> seth: so, you call someone and say, "hey, i'm trying to put together a reunion of the 1979 eyewitness news team." and then your first question is, "who are they?" [ laughter ] >> fred: yes. yes. who are they? refresh my memory. let's make this happen. let's make this happen. >> seth: i could see why that may be meeting some resistance. because if i were taking a call from you, i might not think you were for real if you didn't even know, sort of, the names of the people you were trying to have a reunion for. >> fred: but you would do the
research for me. i'm hoping you would do that for me. >> seth: i don't know what the incentive i would have to do the research for you. because it seems like when this ultimately happens you will be the one who will take the credit for it. so it seems like -- and again, we live in an era where it wouldn't be hard to, like, go online. >> fred: but we're busy. and, also, it's the victory of it. it's the victory of finally making it happen, seeing it in person. you know what i mean? that's the fun of it. >> seth: that's great. so the 1979 -- what are you going to call the reunion special? >> fred: "the beatles." [ laughter ] >> seth: that's great. congratulations. >> fred: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: i think people might be disappointed when they watch it. so, last week i started talking about a charity i'm involved with called "cycle for survival." it's an indoor cycling event that raises money for rare cancer research. i'll be riding with my team, right here, march 8th at equinox in new york city. i've also been talking about perry zimmerman. there's perry and i together. perry is 14, she's a three-time cancer survivor, and her team, team perry, has been the top fund-raiser nationwide the past
few years. and in five years, she's raised over a million dollars. [ applause ] which is why i think it's time to knock perry off her high horse. [ laughter ] i desperately want team seth to out-raise team perry this year. and with your help, i think we can do it. why do i want to out-raise her? well, when you're the top fund-raiser, they call you up on stage at the end of the event and let you say a few words. and i've been there when perry does this. she tells her story. it's really inspirational. there's not a dry eye in the place, except for these two bad boys. [ laughter ] these are bone dry, because i can't help but think that should be me up there. i want that attention. i want that adoration that people are giving to perry. so, i've been using my pulpit on this show the last week to ask people to donate to me instead of perry. so, let's check in with how the fund-raising is going. here we go.
we both started at zero, and now we are -- okay, there you go. [ laughter ] so -- i don't -- [ applause ] i don't understand what's happening. maybe some of you are thinking, "hey, seth, you're on tv every night. perry seems to be an incredible kid. wouldn't it be better to give this moment to her?" well, simply put, no. and here's why -- i am a celebrity. [ laughter ] and as a celebrity, i need attention to live. the fact that perry is trying to prevent me from getting this attention is proof she's a bad person. [ laughter ] she needs to be stopped. so, if you agree with me -- and why wouldn't you agree with me? donate to my team here. and if you have fallen victim to perry and her diabolical charms, fine, donate here. i don't care. i don't care. the money goes to the same place, all right, guys? you can donate at latenightseth.com. you can donate at cycleforsurvival.org. but just donate.
and when you do, donate to me. i want to beat her. you guys, we have such an excellent show for you tonight. christina aguilera is here. [ cheers and applause ] we're also going to be talking to the very funny colin quinn about his new web series, "cop show." [ cheers and applause ] and we'll have stand-up comedy from kurt braunohler. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back. any video game fans here tonight? [ cheers ] all right, good. so, last year, i found my old video game system, the jorbus. the jorbus was made by the now out of business department store, montgomery ward. you guys remember the jorbus, right? this was very, very popular back in the day. [ laughter ] so, anyways, ever since i dug out the old jorbus, i've been playing a lot of the games nonstop. i have to say, this system in general was just ahead of its time. just like -- and so, would you mind, i'm going to show you some old jorbus games. that sound good? all right, great. [ applause ] so, just like other video game systems, jorbus had a line of sports games. you guys remember the harlem globetrotters, right? well jorbus had a basketball game about the team that always lost to the globetrotters called washington generals. let's take a look. so, the harlem globetrotters, of course, famous for their trick
shots and fancy moves. now you can't do any of those because you're the washington generals. so in this game, you press a to pass the ball out of bounds or b to shoot the ball out of bounds. the most important button is c. you have to tap c constantly or else a globetrotter will come up behind you and pull your pants down. [ laughter ] washington generals, not good at basketball. that game was so much fun to play. [ laughter ] one thing that is huge in the video game world is turning movies into a game. for example, nintendo had a movie based on the 1986 movie "top gun." well jorbus wanted to capitalize on the fun of naval aviation. so they made a game called top gun flight crew. let's take a look. so in this game you direct the jet down the runway to its parking spot. you have to tap a & b to keep your arm's moving and direct the jet. the goal is to officially park jets so they don't wait on the tarmac for too long. you know you've succeeded when you hear "you parked it." the tagline for top gun was "need for speed."
the tagline for this game is "the need for safety." let's take a look at the next level. this is so much fun. in this level you have to wash iceman's plane as fast as you can, because iceman is hitting on your girlfriend. you tap b to wash the jet faster -- oh, no, you're too slow, iceman stole your girlfriend. and now they're having sex in a tent. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you guys remember the classic volleyball game theme from top gun. well it is so much fun in this game, because as a member of the top gun flight crew, you get to watch the game. take a look, you get to sit in the bleachers and cheer on the pilots who are playing volleyball. hit a to say "whoo" and hit b to clap twice. there's no real ending to this level, you just cheer them on for a 30 minute volleyball game. also, every time iceman scores a point, he has sex with your girlfriend. up next, is a super fun game called new york city subway rat. this game you play as a new york city rat who lives in the subway. you have to grab falling crumbs
of food from the commuters, and the more you eat, the bigger you get. then you pretty much become indestructible. but watch out! oh no, here comes the cop, the cop's going to stop you by shooting you, but don't worry, because you are big enough to eat the cop. subway rats. [ applause ] in the years i was playing jorbus, this game was perfect for me. it's a jorbus game called boner boy. so, in this game, you're a high school sophomore who is in the midst of puberty, and you have to make it down the hallway -- [ laughter ] -- of your high school while hiding your boner behind the obstacles provided. now, if anyone sees your boner, they will make a laughing stock of you in the school. and make even it more difficult every time you see girls, your boner gets a little bigger. now, if you're lucky, you will run into the janitor who is mopping up puke, and then you look at him and your boner goes down. [ laughter ] boner boy. [ applause ]
you guys remember the nintendo game contra? two commandos try to destroy an alien enemy. well jorbus wanted to make their own version of contra based on the iran- contra hearings. it was great, because what's more fun for kids than a game based on topical news stories. let's take a look. in this game, you play luitenent colonal oliver north at the iran contra senate hearings, and you tap a to plead the fifth as many times as you can. and then at the end of the game, if all goes well, you get a job at fox news. [ laughter ] it's pretty fun. [ applause ] finally. personal favorite of mine, we have a game called obese crane operator. now, i know what this sounds like. it sounds like a game about a fat guy that operates a crane. but it's not that at all. in this game, you play the crane operator who lifts morbidly obese people out of their homes. [ laughter ] you hit a to pop off the roof, you hit b to grab the fat guy. now, it looks easy, but it gets harder as you go. and you know, because the people get fatter and your crane stays the same size. the hardest level's the last
one. i've never been able to beat it, but i thought together we would give it a try tonight. all right, so here we go. you have to tap c as long as you can, watch out, he's too -- he broke my crane. he's so sad. now his house is gone. one of these days, i'm going to beat you obese crane operator. [ cheers and applause ] give it up for the jorbus. we'll be right back with christina aguilera. ♪ how do they make starburst taste so juicy?
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our first guest tonight is a grammy award winning singer who is back this season as a coach on the hit nbc series, "the voice." new episodes air every monday and tuesday nights at 8:00 p.m. let's take a look. >> i'm -- my jaw is kind of still dropped open. i'm sorry, i just took the spotlight. i'm sorry, pharrell. >> in my mind, i'm buffering. i'm like -- >> you made me believe that love hurts. you were just giving it.
and i was just so enraptured. you are the definition of the voice for me. i want to be your coach. >> i am such a fan. just for the record. >> i am team megan. forget team christina, i'm team megan. >> seth: please welcome christina aguilera. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> i thought you would bend over to pick it up. >> seth: knocked over my pencils. it's lovely to see you again. >> good to see you too. >> seth: congratulations, you won your sixth grammy. >> thank you, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: it's so exciting. >> yeah, total surprise. >> seth: it's such an interesting, cool story. because you won with great big world, who was actually the first band we had on this show. >> i heard that. >> seth: and you had, tell us how you met these guys? >> you know, i heard this song.
someone just sent it to me casually through an e-mail and said, hey, listen to this song. that you know, it's so simple and so powerful at the same time. and i was just like, oh, my god, for whatever reason, i was like, i hear this amazing harmony part over it. and i don't know, i was totally like, energetically, like there must have been something in the universe, i had to meet these guys. and just wanted to sit down on a piano, and kind of throw something together. and then a year later, it won a grammy. so, yeah, that was fun. >> seth: how do you reach, like, were those, did those guys lose their minds? did they believe it when you called? like, how does that happen? >> yeah, it was really random. it was super casual and set up, and they're the most like humble, sweet guys. you know, like you met them, and they're just excited about life and about everything. and they come from such a great place. and, we had a few -- [ laughter ] -- celebratory moments too.
i wanted to ruffle their feathers a little bit. i was like, so yeah, we did one night. i've got to show these guys a good time. all it took was a couple paintball guns and some cocktails. >> that's great. yeah, they let loose. >> seth: by the way, don't mix those usually. [ laughter ] >> at my house, you do. >> but, it was really fun. and they ended up having a blast. so, it was nice to see them loosen up a little bit. and have some fun, but they're good guys. really, really good guys. >> seth: well, that's great. and of course, working with young sort of, singers before the break, is something you'll be doing on "the voice" again? being back on "the voice" for season eight. congratulations. >> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. thanks. >> seth: what part of it is your favorite? there's sort of different stages of the show. what's the part you look forward to the most? >> there are different stages of the show. i mean, you go through the blinds. i mean, everyone loves the blinds. >> seth: the blinds are great. >> because it's so suspenseful, and it's nervewracking. >> seth: yeah, and turning chairs. >> yeah. >> that's the moneymaker, to be honest. >> yeah, you know, like half amusement park. it's awesome. whoo! sometimes you want to just turn
it right back around. >> seth: yeah. >> you're like, "hey! see ya." [ laughter ] >> no, just kidding. i'm just kidding. just kidding. real talk with christina aguilera. no, no, no, but i think, yeah -- actually, that's part of it, is coming back to the show, my favorite part is just what happens behind the scenes. because we just have laughs and jokes for days. and the boys are just always picking at each other, and it's its own show on its own, like outside of "the voice." >> i have a little real talk for you which is, you still haven't won "the voice." >> i know. >> seth: i'm glad you know. >> thanks. >> seth: we were concerned. now, are you guys competitive about it? because blake seems to have it on lock. >> at this point, i don't -- i know, he's got that big country vote. he's got that down. we were all just saying, we're like, we need a zip code in nashville, just to get certain country singers from the blinds, because it's like as soon as you hear a country song. do i really want to push my button right now? do i really want to go head to
head with blake's territory right now? you will give up before you even start. you know, you get shy. >> seth: yeah, also, country singers are just, they're more believable. when they say like, "i want you to win." you kind of believe it. [ laughter ] >> the funny thing is -- >> seth: when adam levine's like, "i want you to win." i'd be like, "i don't know man. i don't know if you really do." i think you want you to win, i don't know if you care about me. >> it's totally true. but, blake, he could say anything and it's just funny. i mean, he gets away with murder. the guy's, like, drinking all day. he's just like. he's chillin' and he could say like, "you're an ass [ bleep ]." but it sounds so horrible when i say it. but he's like "he's like you're an ass [ bleep ]." and it's like hilarious. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, and they're like you are my new dad. >> he could say anything. you know, he'll be like, "you're an ass [ bleep ], but i want you on my team." and they'll be like, "okay, blake's my coach." i'll be like "what just happened? [ laughter ] i don't understand." >> seth: blake hosted snl this year. adam hosted a few years ago. and we first met when you hosted snl. >> yeah.
>> seth: and you did something, i still remember, because when we were sort of talking about the snl 40th, one of the things we were talking about were great impressions that hosts did. and you did an incredible kim cattrall in "sex and the city." it was one that at the table that i would call a gasp moment where everyone's like, "oh, [ bleep ]." [ laughter ] >> yes, yes, it was fun. >> seth: can you give us a little? >> yeah, what was it, i was obsessed with the show at the time. it was, you know, kim was always talking like this. [ laughter ] and the big line of that skit was -- it was like her big secret coming out, was "i'm a dude." [ laughter ] >> seth: it was great. thank you for doing that for me again. i really appreciate it. >> i just realized i don't think i'm allowed to say ass [ bleep ], right? i'm not allowed to say ass [ bleep ]. >> seth: well, by all means keep doing it and we'll figure it out. [ laughter ] at some point the censor will just give up. >> i just realized. thank god this is pretaped. thanks. edit that.
>> seth: yeah, great. what? >> thank god for editors. >> seth: our editor passed out? oh, no. we'll figure something out. we'll figure something out. >> i will fly somebody in from "the voice." >> seth: so you're doing "nashville" this year as well. >> yes, so, i'll be appearing. >> seth: i like this, this is your end around on blake? >> i will be appearing on "nashville," yes. and so, elaborating on needing a zip code in nashville, i'll be able to have something under my belt to get certain feels for these country artists. i'll be like, well, i'm actually on the show in "nashville," recording in nashville. maybe that will give me some pull with some of these guys. >> seth: that's great. is the idea of acting more fun to you? >> yeah, i just do things that i, you know, i want to be drawn to and inspired by, not just do acting to do acting, but roles that i can really get into. and playing a country singer. actually, it's true, by knowing blake on the show, and miranda too. miranda's no joke. she's awesome.
i've become such a huge fan of miranda lambert's. >> seth: yeah, she's great. >> no honestly, she's just, as a country singer i would probably be her. she's awesome. she's really awesome. >> seth: "nashville" is a really cool town. i feel like, as an artistic community, they -- the country music community really does have each other's backs. >> completely. why do you think blake keeps winning? [ laughter ] >> seth: that's true. >> i think adam was like, he had three people in the finals last year. he's like, i just give up this year, i don't even understand. he's like, i had three chances to win, and blake had one. and he just overtook it. >> seth: well, i hope some day, something good happens for adam levine. [ laughter ] >> i know. nothing ever good seems to happen to him, right? [ applause ] >> seth: just one time. yeah, but really, i hope you win this year. i'm pulling for you this year. >> thank you. >> seth: christina aguilera, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] give it up. check out "the voice" monday and tuesday nights at 8:00 p.m. right here on nbc. we'll be right back with colin quinn. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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lstudio.com. please welcome back to the show the very funny colin quinn. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are you? it's good to see you again. >> fine. good to be here. i feel like fred wasn't here the last time? >> no, fred was not here. >> seth: so this must be really exciting for you. >> exactly, fred comes when he wants. he does what he wants. >> seth: he's got a good gig. >> he's fred. he just does what to do in life. he's like, i'll make the rules, and you'll abide by them. >> seth: yeah, we should all be so lucky to be fred. >> mm-hmm. >> seth: not a lot of people come out and go right for the water. >> well, you know, i don't think i had to be called out on that. [ laughter ] i called a lot of people out on a lot of uncomfortable things. that was really out of line. you don't know, i could have been choking backstage. >> seth: that's true. that's true. >> luckily i'm a professional comedian, quick on my feet, so i'm not embarrassed. because that was a bradley cooper type. you'd be like, "who is this son
of a --," you know. never have him back on the show, i'll tell you that much. >> seth: we got to hang out -- >> don't look at the socks, okay. >> seth: i won't, trust me. >> it's a statement. >> seth: that is a statement. well, we'll make sure we'll pop in on them. >> bold statement, folks. >> we got to see each other -- [ cheers and applause ] there they are. they're very nice. >> i thought that i'd creep you out there with that wink, but no, i got applause, thank you. go ahead. >> seth: we saw each other at the snl 40th. this was very special for me, the four update anchors. >> yeah, i like being the shortest one. >> seth: no, they're tall. >> those guys are tall. >> seth: norm and nealon are real tall. >> norm and nealon are like 6'4", it's horrifying. >> seth: and a lot of regular news men, news anchors are really tall. >> they are. >> seth: like across the board. >> that shows it's unfair. that's probably they get hired because like, oh he's tall, he must be important. >> seth: yeah, well, you and i really gutted it out there. >> yeah, we did. we should be proud of ourselves. >> seth: we are we're --. >> scrappy, we had to be scrappy. not like these guys, walking in elegantly. >> seth: right. >> with their suit draped off them. oh, let him have the job. >> seth: big giraffes. these big gravitas giraffes. did you go to the after party?
>> i went to the after party, i timed it perfectly. i went for the first 45 minutes. i said, nothing's happening here, and i left. >> seth: oh. >> i looked online the next morning, oh, paul mccartney. oh, prince. [ laughter ] oh, the beatles got back together. john's really alive, it was all a joke. [ laughter ] >> seth: you got a good night's sleep, that's important. >> i got good night's sleep, that is important. >> seth: tell us about "cop show." >> i don't know why i laughed. "cop show" is a labor of love, i've never been on "law and order," which, if you lived in this city, and you've been in, quote unquote, in show business as many years as i have, it is impossible to not have -- i've accidently walked on the set of "law and order" like six times in my life. and every time, not to be a dick, but i'm always the most famous person i see there. [ laughter ] and i'm like embarrassed, like hey, good for you. colin quinn, that's correct, never been on. and so anyway, i've never even been the guest murderer. i should have been one of the lead cops.
i've never been the guest murderer on an episode of "law and order." so, i said, i moved downtown, i walked by the "law and order" steps, i said i'm going to make a short film about how i've never been on "law and order," yeah. >> seth: yeah. >> and then i go "wait a minute i'll do a whole series. make myself the cop for 'law and order.'" >> seth: so you're finally the cop in "cop show." >> yeah. >> seth: and has this scratched your itch, or would you still be on "law and order" if you could. >> no, oh! i'll tell you the best. so, finally, about six months ago, they must have got wind of the fact that i'm doing a whole routine to mock them. so they send me, my manager called me and goes, hey, they actually want you on "law and order." i read the script, it's about a director who's a murderer. great part. you're the director, but you're a murderer. so, as i read this script, it's the director comes out, there's another guy directing, like a front man. in the first page, he goes, okay, take a break. this is where the evil director takes over. they wanted me to play the front man with three lines. [ laughter ] >> seth: so they wanted the murderer then come in and tell you, i'm taking over? >> you know, you watch one of the -- oh, colin quinn, look he's a --. i have three lines, i leave, and the real actor comes and is a
murderer. it's like a slap and i can't even believe it. i can't even believe that, even as i'm saying it now. [ laughter ] >> seth: have you met dick wolf? >> well, that was problem. in the interest of full disclosure, when i was on snl, high on the hog, you know, swaggering around a little bit. so at the after parties, dick wolf, was at a couple after parties. and every time i'd be in there, it's like, hi, dick wolf. i'd be like, "hey, how are you doing, dick?" you know, just kind of like -- >> seth: you big-timed him? >> oh, yeah, i kind of did. >> seth: so, if you could do it over again, how would you meet dick wolf? >> if i could meet dick wolf again, well, let's do it the way i did it back then. so i walk in the after party, whatever trendy '90s place, right. >> seth: uhh, hey colin, i'm dick wolf. >> hey, how you doing, yeah. good to see you. you know. >> seth: all right, not that good. >> no. so now, if i saw him. >> seth: hey, colin, dick wolf, nice to meet you. >> hey, the "law and order" guy, the show's fantastic, love what you guys are doing over there. it's great. [ applause ] but then i'm like. i go into the, and it's not just the show, like i don't care, i'm working now. but just you're employing all these new york actors, good for you.
and then grab the elbow. he'd be like, that's a charming guy. [ laughter ] >> seth: that could have changed everything. we have a clip. i love this clip. because you have a lot of funny people in. schumer, seinfeld, gaffigan. this is a clip with michael che, who, of course, is the current update actor. i feel like you use that you use that a little bit in this clip. >> no, no. i don't know, that's accidental if it happened. >> seth: okay, let's take a look at this. >> detective. >> yes. >> you worked the 72nd precinct? >> why yes, i did. >> well, i work there now, and i have actually your desk. >> good for you, i didn't want to do that any more. >> well, it's a lot of pressure working there, because all the people do is talk about how great you were. it feels like i'm following your shadow. >> well, i was just doing my job, fella. and i left of my own accord, i wasn't forced out over the summer. >> okay, cut, everybody. >> did you hear it too? >> it feels a little weird right now, right? >> yeah, it feels heavy, yeah. >> it's just a little on the nose. >> yeah. >> what? the guy's a great cop, and then he gets replaced. >> right he get replaced, but the whole -- >> he's irreplaceable, but he's
replaced. [ applause ] >> seth: you, as i mentioned, you also, amy schumer's in this. >> he made that uncomfortable. >> seth: who did? che. >> che, i had nothing to do with it. that was a coincidence. >> seth: schumer's in this. >> yeah. >> seth: you did schumer's movie, "trainwreck." >> yeah. >> seth: so you shot that this year and lebron james is in that. bill hader is in that. >> yeah. >> seth: fun to work with those people? >> i worked with bill hader for one day. now, you know bill hader. you guys know bill hader well. i met him once before that. but, i have to say, bill hader, so talented, such a nice guy, it's like suspicious to me. like, what's with this guy? he's like, "hi, how are you?" i was like ah, ha, ha, he's doing some bill hader character. >> seth: right. [ laughter ] >> but, he's like the nicest guy ever. it's a little, i just don't like it. >> seth: do you in general not trust the kind? >> i don't trust kind people in comedy, there's something weird about it. >> seth: yeah. >> and bill hader, there's no -- there's got to be, you guys probably worked every night, you know the skeletons, we won't say them on the show obviously. wait till you have him on.
you want to do what you want to do, but for me. i was just like, "hi, bill." and then when everybody left, i was like, oh, geez. where are those bodies buried, bill. [ laughter ] >> seth: this is very exciting for me too. you're working on a book. >> yes, i am. >> seth: called the coloring book. >> yes. it's almost done. >> seth: tell me what it's about. >> it's about my childhood and race. it's all about race. >> seth: okay. >> it's very, what they call, tone deaf, we'll put it out there. >> seth: people are looking forward to this? >> people are really looking forward to white person's viewpoint on race in today's culture, i feel. >> seth: you're right, they want more white people sounding off on what they think about it. >> that's right. what could go wrong? >> seth: what could possibly go wrong? [ laughter ] one of my favorite things. i always talk, your twitter account is one of my favorite. and you're great during an awards season. >> yeah. >> seth: both before awards shows and during. >> i've given you a lot of jokes that you've never used. >> seth: yeah, and i apologize. but, during the oscars, you were just tweeting jokes for neil patrick harris. >> i gave nph a few jokes that he didn't use. he chose to go with the old
subtle underwear joke. [ laughter ] >> seth: because i think these would have killed. "jokes for nph, hot new tv show is 'silicon valley.' don't worry hollywood folks, it's not a story about your plastic surgeon's office." [ laughter ] >> you know, it's kind of, i understand why he didn't do it. it's kind of edgy, going in for plastic surgery in hollywood. >> seth: here's another edgy one. "jokes for nph, i thought 'whiplash' is what we got looking at all the new outfits on the red carpet." [ laughter ] >> yeah, also edgy, because they don't like that apparently. they kept joan rivers out of the memoriam. >> seth: yeah, exactly, they don't like edgy. >> apparently they don't like red carpets. >> seth: you gave me a bunch for the emmys. and you tweeted to me, "@sethmeyers, great year for tv shows about families moving in together. the fox show "dads", cbs show "mom," okay, we get it, uncle. [ laughter ] >> you know. >> seth: yeah. >> i don't know. >> seth: i don't know, i think it would have been very, yeah. >> that might have brought the house down.
>> seth: that's the problem. we needed the house up for the rest of the night. thank you so much for being here, always a pleasure to see you. >> thanks. >> seth: colin quinn, everybody. check out "cop show" at lstudio.com. we'll be right back with standup from kurt braunohler. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. everybody knows that parker. well... did you know auctioneers make bad grocery store clerks? that'll be $23.50. now .75, 23.75, hold 'em. hey now do i hear 23.75? 24! hey 24 dollar, 24 and a quarter, quarter, now half, 24 and a half and .75! 25! now a quarter, hey 26 and a quarter, do you wanna pay now, you wanna do it, 25 and a quarter- -sold to the man in the khaki jacket! geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. ♪ [loud electric guitar solo] ♪ it's a different kind of peanut butter cup.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a very funny comedian, he stars in the new digital series "roustabout" on comedycentral.com and youtube. please welcome kurt braunohler. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, guys. you're too kind. as seth mentioned, i am a comedian. i realize i look like a camp counselor at a camp that only teaches feelings. [ laughter ] but i am a professional comedian, which means i have not had a genuine feeling in quite some time. [ laughter ]
i just got married last year. thank you. [ applause ] happy to be married just because i hated being single. i was very bad at it. i once had a woman tell me that i was a quiet orgasmer. [ laughter ] i was like, i didn't even know that was something i could fail at. [ laughter ] but it is true. i am very quiet. i'm just -- it's just the way god made me. you know, just like a little kitten sneeze. you know just like, oh, oh, oh. [ laughter ] she was like, you know, i would like to know when it happens. and then the next time we had sex, i was like really in my head, i was like "oh, no, i have to make a noise" and i just panicked, i was like "oh, oh, oh, boy!" [ laughter and applause ]
nobody likes that. but now i'm much more mature. now when, i orgasm i just go, "oh, oh, i'll have what me's having." i'd like to tell you three short jokes and then a story. three short jokes then a story. first joke, i don't know about you guys, but when i die, i think i'd like to be buried in an "i woke up like this" t-shirt. joke number two, i'll always smile at a drug dog at the airport. because we might be on opposite sides of the issue, but we both get excited when we smell drugs. joke number three. tangerine? for when an orange is just too much. [ laughter ] that is the dumbest joke i've ever written. you don't need to applaud for that. that's okay.
i'm just happy it's on tv. [ laughter ] and now a story. i eat alone at restaurants a lot because i travel so much. and i'm not good at it. here's a tip for anyone. if you're ever at a mexican food place, don't order the fajita platter. don't order the fajita platter, guys. because that's the most exciting item on the menu. it comes out to a lot of fanfare just right out of the kitchen. everyone's like "ooh, where's the fajita platter going. where's the fajita -- oh, no, it's going to the sad man by himself." and you have to eat it real fast before the loneliness catches up, and you burn your mouth. [ laughter ] i was recently eating at a chinese food place. when i eat at a chinese food restaurant, i use the chop sticks because i respect people's culture. and the chopsticks are the gentleman of the utensil world,
because every piece of food needs to be individually invited to the mouth party. ooh, single piece of broccoli, would you like to come to the party? yes, you would. water chestnut, whatever the hell you are, would you like to come to the party? yes, you would. oh, peanut. peanut doesn't want to come to the party. peanut's very difficult to pick up. peanut's not interested in hanging out. but, who's there? fork is there. good old american fork. and he just starred up at you going "hey, why am i here? except to help you." so then i throw down those chop sticks and now i'm fork feeding. american fork feeding. i'm jabbing, i'm stabbing, i'm jabbing, i'm stabbing. that peanut still doesn't want to get on the fork. but who's there? little spoon is there, he's a helper. spoony wants to help out so bad. he's like, come on, coach, i'm not just for coffee, get me in the game. this is a chinese food place, guys, so there's also a serving spoon. so that means within three minutes, i've gone from using
chopsticks to just using two spoons. just shovel spoon and helper spoon. shovel spoon and helper soon. and i do not know why two spoons is not america's utensils, guys. we do it in the bedroom, let's do it in the dining room. [ cheers and applause ] thanks. >> seth: kurt braunohler, everyone. check out kurtbraunohler.com for tour dates. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] [ birds chirping ] [ inhales, exhales ] [ announcer ] cigarettes are not just dangerous when they're smoked. [ rat squeaking ] they're dangerous long after. cigarette butts are toxic. they release chemicals that poison our water... and harm wildlife. and millions... are polluting our environment.
♪ ♪ hush my darling... ♪ don't fear my darling... ♪ the lion sleeps tonight. [snoring.] ♪ hush my darling... [snoring.] ♪ don't fear my darling... ♪ the lion sleeps tonight. [snoring.] take the roar out of snore. yet another innovation only at a sleep number store. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to christina aguilera, colin quinn, kurt braunohler. and, of course, the 8g band. stay tuned for "carson daly." we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ >> carson: good evening and welcome to "last call." tonight, we're stationed at the skylark for our show and we got a good one for you. coming up, we've got the music from le butcherettes. that's going to be happening over at the troubadour. our spotlight tonight is on "faults" star leland orser. but, first we're going to welcome my old pal, adam carolla back to the show. adam's latest project is the film called "road hard" which he not only appears in, but he also co-wrote and directed. you want to hear more? i hope so because i have no doubt he's going to tell you all about it. take it away, ace man. ♪