tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC August 3, 2016 11:34pm-12:38am PDT
the crooner turned 90 today, and celebrated w/ a star finally tonight, a happy birthday to tony bennett. the crooner turned 90 years old and celebrated with a star-studded list of celebrities in new york city. his good friend lady gaga was there. they all watched an empire state building lightning show synced to his songs. in a couple weeks there will be a statue of bennett unveiled in the fairmont in san francisco. >> happy birthday, tony. good night. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- aziz ansari, carla gugino,
comedian, jeff dye, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: ah! yeah. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, guys. thank you. ♪ ♪ come on! that's what i'm talking about! [ cheers and applause ] now it's a good show tonight. oh, yeah. welcome, everybody, welcome to the "tonight show"! this is it. [ cheers and applause ] welcome, everybody. well, here's what everyone is talking about. of course it's the olympics. we are now only two days from
the start of the rio summer olympic games. [ cheers and applause ] which means in just two days people will go from knowing nothing about the olympics to saying, how the hell did he mess up a round off backhand spring? [ light laughter ] [ applause ] how do you know? i actually read that a north korean gymnast may be the first female gymnast ever to attempt an incredibly difficult move that involves a triple twisting vault. when asked if she's done it before she said, how do you think i escaped from north korea? [ laughter and applause ] you can tell this gymnast really is from north korea 'cause she's the only athlete to show up in rio and go, this is nice. [ laughter and applause ] and get this, i saw that the slogan for the 2016 rio olympics is "live your passion." good slogan. it's not the first one they came up with. they almost went with "come for the competition, stay because you've been quarantined." [ laughter and applause ] and that's not as catchy. >> steve: not as catchy. >> jimmy: not as catchy as the other one. yeah, the other one's -- >> steve: the other one's more -- >> jimmy: the other one's
better i think. i heard that u.s. swimmer ryan lochte actually dyed his hair light blue for the rio summer olympics. he didn't do it on purpose. he just took a shower in rio and came out that way. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] this is pretty incredible. the youngest athlete competing at the rio olympics is a a 13-year-old swimmer representing nepal. she's the only olympian whose mom still puts sunscreen on her before she gets in the pool. [ laughter and applause ] let me do your face. that's right, 13-year-old swimmer from nepal is the youngest athlete at the olympics. although, that could change 'cause not all the chinese gymnasts have been born yet. [ laughter ] of course the other big competition going on right now is "bachelor in paradise." which premieres -- [ cheers and applause ] i love it. i don't know why. i love it, i love it. it premiered last night on abc. and one of the contestants is this guy daniel who was just on the last season of "the bachelorette."
he wasn't the most eloquent person in the world, but let's see if he's doing any better on this show. >> can't get rid of me. i'm like a disease that just won't go away, you know, like herpes or something. i don't know if i want to be associated with herpes, but you know, it's treatable nowadays so it's not a big deal, right? [ laughter ] >> steve: what? >> jimmy: what is going on? in fairness, the name of that show probably should be "herpes in paradise." [ laughter and applause ] who am i to say? but things seem like they might be going a little better for daniel once he actually met some of the women staying in the house. check it out. >> i hope that we can have like a good talk and like see where it goes. >> how old are you? >> i am 25. >> 27. 23. >> 25. >> 21. no, you look like you're 21. >> i am 25. >> 21? >> yep. >> jimmy: 21? 23? 21? have i said "herpes" yet? [ laughter and applause ]
this one guy who is never at a a loss for words and that is donald trump. it seems like he is fighting with everyone this week. on monday trump took a shot at "the new york times" saying quote, "they don't write good." [ laughter ] when told that was grammatically incorrect, trump said, "excuse me. they don't write goodly." [ laughter and applause ] better. better. here's a little health news. i read that research from the past decade shows there's very little evidence that flossing is effective. when they heard that, most americans were like, "oh, good, now i can finally stop flossing." i floss all the time. finally, i thought this was pretty incredible. apparently a zappos employee recently set the record for the company's longest customer service call which lasted for 10 hours and 43 minutes. the employee's name was steven weinstein and he said
that he felt an instant connection with the female customer. well, they still never met in person until today. that's right. we flew them both to new york to meet each other and we filmed the entire thing. it was just amazing. take a look at what happened. >> i'm excited. i am nervous. i don't know. this is crazy. ♪ there's no love like your love and no other could give more love ♪ >> here are your shoes. >> thanks. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: beautiful. we have a great show, everybody. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my goodness! that is how you do it! that is our pal, chad smith, of the red hot chili peppers -- [ cheers and applause ] sitting in with the roots. i love you! i love you, buddy. congrats on the new record. "the get away" is out now. and the single "dark necessities" just became their 13th number one song, congratulations buddy. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you're the best. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: it's a great record. look at these guys. still doing it up. come on, just having fun. that's what it's all about. produced by danger mouse, too. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: good stuff, man. congratulations. welcome back. >> thank you. >> jimmy: don't ever leave. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thanks. i appreciate it, man. guys, this has been a great week so far. there's more ahead. tomorrow night miles teller
will be here and we're gonna play a game of flip and slip. >> steve: flip and slip. >> jimmy: flip and slip. plus steven tyler will be performing for us. [ cheers and applause ] then on friday, this is a a big -- right after the olympic opening ceremony, we've got an exciting show planned. he is one of our favorites, jerry seinfeld will be here! >> steve: whoa. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: plus -- plus seth rogen will be dropping by and -- seth rogen and i are going to have a lip sync battle. [ cheers and applause ] and we have great music from jason derulo. >> steve: hey! >> jimmy: it's gonna be a big show friday. but first, we have a fun show tonight. this guy is the best. he's the emmy award nominated creator and star of the netflix series "master of none" aziz ansari is here. [ cheers and applause ] that's a great show. a fantastic show. deserves all the awards. later in the show, aziz and i are going to read some embarrassing first text message exchanges, in something we call, "first textual experience."
[ light laughter ] plus from the new showtime series "roadies," the lovely carla gugino is stopping by. carla gugino. and we have great standup from a comedian. jeff dye is here tonight. he's very funny. [ cheers and applause ] very funny human. guys, one of my favorite things about the internet is going on youtube and discovering something totally new, something i've never seen before. there's so much creativity out there. that's why we wanted to find a a way to showcase some of the best videos made by people we think that you should know about. so, tonight we have a video from youtube channel called "you suck at cooking." [ laughter ] have you seen them yet? it's an instructional cooking video. they're really funny. now we think it's really funny. so please enjoy the world premiere of "10 more ways to chop an onion." in the first installment of, "tonight show youtube premiere." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ tonight show youtube premiere ♪
♪ you suck at cooking yeah you totally suck ♪ >> the first method involves hitting your onion firmly with your knife around the outside to loosen up the insides. then slice it open. it's not perfect but it'll get you most of the way there. if you have a balsa wood cutting board, it's not very dense so you can place your onion underneath it then push until it comes through. and don't forget to clean up the onion skin after. if you have any professional wrestling experience you can drop a flying elbow from the top rope. this method is called the edward scissor hands or the edward knife fingers. it's just like playing a piano, except it sounds better than when you play piano. you can also do the wolverine. you can hack the onion apart. you just need a computer, a a standard rca cable, bypass the main frame and -- >> access granted. >> you can sneak up behind him it and scare it. roar! [ light laughter ] it's okay. it's just me. ♪ you suck at cooking oh, my gosh you suck ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: bypass the main frame. to see more of this videos check out the youtube channel, "you suck at cooking." [ cheers and applause ] stick around. we'll be right back with aziz ansari, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ what's up schumer? okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sister's kids (makes farting noise) and they like keep talking about back to school shopping? back to school is like our red carpet. just go to old navy. they have like the coolest back to school clothes up to 60% off. it's what we all wear. and they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. noice! don't say "noice." sounds stank! no... stop. okay. um. guess what! we're going to old navy. who's excited? who wants to go shopping?
♪ >> jimmy: our first guest is a a hilarious comedian, the author of the "new york times" bestseller "modern romance" and the emmy award nominated creator and star of the netflix series "master of none." the first season is available now. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome aziz ansari! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] do you feel the love? do you feel the love?
>> aw, they're so nice. thank you, thank you very much. >> jimmy: they're giving it up for you. absolutely. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: we love having you here. you look sharp as always. >> thanks. >> jimmy: last time you were here we did a bit where you played bobby jindal. do you remember this? >> i do, yeah. >> jimmy: republican, he was maybe running for president. >> yeah. he was trying to run for president. and it didn't work out. now that, what is the guy, the orange-faced monster is running. >> jimmy: i think donald trump is his name. >> yeah, i forget. it's a very riveting election. it's like watching wwe wrestling. there's feuds and stuff. right now it's him and the kahn family. >> jimmy: yeah. >> oh, my god, they are destroying him! >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers ] >> the kahn family is the drake to donald trump's meek mill. >> jimmy: i didn't see it that way, yeah. >> i mean, it's crazy. the guy makes the speech like, have you read the constitution?
let me give you a copy! >> jimmy: pulled one out of his pocket. >> yeah, then trump is like, why doesn't your wife say anything? then the guy goes, you have a a black soul. which is the coldest [ bleep ] i've ever heard. [ light laughter ] i've never heard anyone say that. i heard that was going to be a a line and 2pac's "hit em up." and he was like, nah, nah it's too mean, we can't go there. it's too much. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have a black soul. >> you don't want to say that. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. pal, congrats on the emmy nominations. i think you're going to win, buddy. i really have a good feeling. and i hope you do because it is a fantastic show. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: "master of none." [ cheers and applause ] it is great. it made me laugh. it made me think. uh, it made me cry. >> oh, wow. thank you very much. i appreciate it. are you sure you were watching my show and not "naked in and afraid?" >> jimmy: that's what i was watching. i like that one. that's a good show. so many things where i'm watching, i'm like, that's me.
>> oh, wow thanks. >> jimmy: oh my god, that's how you know a show is good, when you try to relate the thing. >> thank you. >> but, when you're trying to find a place to eat and it takes you four hours to find the place? >> every day, yeah. every day. >> jimmy: there are so many bits. who is your co-star again? your girlfriend in it? >> noel wells. she is incredible. >> jimmy: she is fantastic. it's just a great relationship. eric wareheim. i don't know, i just love it. >> aw, thanks. were working on season two now. very excited about it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: congratulations. it's a lot of work. >> it is. >> jimmy: their tricky shows. there is a beginning, middle and end and it's all happening in different segments, so it's a tricky show. congrats, man. >> yeah, thank you. >> jimmy: what you got nominated for you, or comedy series, you personally, and for acting, writing and directing? >> yep. >> jimmy: come on, not bad. >> not bad, yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and you know what i'm going to say, your dad. >> yep. >> jimmy: your dad plays your dad in the show. your real dad. >> yeah.
he's my real dad. jimmy: he steals scenes. >> yeah, he's really good in the show. he'd never acted before. and you know, when the show came out, like he was getting some good reviews. in reviews they like said, oh, he's really great. and so when the emmy stuff was coming up, i was talking to people at netflix. and i was like, hey like what if we push for my dad to get an emmy for like supporting actor? they're like, [ bleep ] it, why not? and they like really went for it and got him a billboard in l.a. >> jimmy: this is true, i have a photo of it. >> which this is 100% real. this is a real billboard. to be clear, that is my dad. and -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is great. they really did it. >> jimmy: yeah, i mean. those are legit quotes from the "los angeles times," "a breakout star." "new york times," "a scene stealer." and it actually worked. like there were articles started coming out where they
started saying, like he's got a a good shot. this was in the "hollywood reporter." "front-runner." doctor shoukath ansari. alond with like larry david and louis c.k. >> jimmy: legit. >> meanwhile, you go to like long shots and they have the long shot section, it's like sorry, fred armisen. too bad john stamos. looks like this gastroenterologist from north carolina is actually a a front-runner this year. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he is great. does he love all the fame and people recognizing him? >> oh, yeah. he loves it. my mom hates it. >> jimmy: she's not into it. >> she's not into it. she is already like, oh in season two say my character's gone on vacation. like i'm not doing anything else. my dad is like, i have some ideas. and he didn't get nominated, but it's still cool he got all these write-ups and stuff. my parents are part of the cast
so they are going to come with us to the emmys. and i texted them, like hey you guys are gonna come to the emmys. my mom is like, oh, that's great, i'm very excited. and like ten minutes later my dad texted me three photos of bradley cooper in different tuxedos. like which one of these do you think would be nice for me? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's gone hollywood. he's gone hollywood. >> who is going to style me? >> jimmy: you created a a monster. you just went to the white house. you got invited to a dinner over there? >> yes, so -- >> jimmy: was it fun? >> that was really cool. i got invited to the white house does these dinners called the state dinners. and they had one it was for the nordic region. there was like some big dignitaries were coming from like sweden and stuff. and you know, when you get invited to these dinners, they have you know a lot of political people, people from you know, different fields science, government, or whatever. and also some like people that are in our world. and usually you have some sort of connection. like will ferrell was there, his wife is from sweden. >> jimmy: yep. >> and i got invited because you know, i'm swedish. [ light laughter ]
>> jimmy: i didn't know that at all. >> i think they invited me to like an indian one and i was out of town or something. so their like oh, yeah, just come to the swedish one. >> jimmy: you've been to an ikea right? come on, come on. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. and so i brought my mom to this. and we had such a great time. and it's cool because you go to one of these fancy parties and normally you see, like oh, there's a different celebrity whatever. this is, oh [ bleep ], there's john kerry. and then like we saw, oh, there's john kerry. i don't want to say anything to him. what am i going to say to him? my mom saw joe biden, shes like oh, my god, it's the vice president. i was like, well you know he was actually on "parks and rec." like we can go say hello. and so we get in like this queue of people that's waiting to say hi to joe biden. and you know, everyone's being cool. just like oh, hello, mr. vice president, shaking hands and kind of moving on, cause you know their wrapping this dinner up or whatever. and this one lady is like, taking her sweet time.
it's like, okay, you had your little moment, let's keep going. and then at a certain point it seemed like she was winding down. all right great, we'll get to say hello. and then she pulls out her cell phone and goes, hey, mr. vice president, could you call my friend and just say hi? it will freak him out. and then joe biden goes, sure, why not? why not? one, you've got two nice indian people waiting to meet you! [ light laughter ] two, why are you wasting your time doing that? that's crazy. you can't just do that. >> jimmy: you're the vice president of the united states. >> people ask people like us to do that, and we never do it. we don't go oh, yeah let me call your friend. you're like no, i've got things to do. >> jimmy: you're the vice president. >> joe biden's like, why not? i've got nothing else going on. hey it's me joe biden are you freaking out? [ laughter and applause ] it was fine. it was fine. it will be fine. like he called the person and then he spoke with me and my mom for a while. it was very nice. and then we all went out back,
smoked my weed pen, and called it a day. >> jimmy: that's not what happened. you never did that. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i want to show everyone a clip of "master of none." here is aziz and his dad in season one. available now on netflix. take a look at this. >> i mean whoever you're dating now this day could be who you end up with. it's a big decision. it's hard. >> you're half full. you are so indecisive. when you are a kid, you said dad, can i play soccer, can i play tennis, can i play basketball? me, i'm so decisive, i play golf, i chose your mom. we got married right away. no problem. >> yeah, but that's totally different. it was an arranged marriage. how many women did you meet before you decided on mom. >> two. >> two that's it? what was wrong with the first lady? >> she's a little bit too tall. i told my sister that i was like, oh, no. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: scene stealer! more with aziz when we come back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. we are hanging out with aziz ansari, right there ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers ] aziz, in your book, "modern romance," you deal with dating in today's world. and last time you were here you talked about the importance of the first text. >> yes. that's right, jimmy. the first text exchange can really make or break a a relationship. >> jimmy: well we asked our viewers to send in their worst first text exchanges. i thought we could read a few of them right now. it's time for "first textual experience." [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: all right. you should know that all these texts are 100% real. aziz, why don't you start this one off, and then i'll do the response. >> all right. i just wanted to say that i had a great time tonight. and i that i know i might be jumping the gun, but i felt a a connection with you that i haven't felt in a long time. you're a really sweet girl. i think i can see myself falling for you. i'd be lying if i wasn't already falling for you. smiley face. i can't wait to see what the future has in store for us. >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] that is cold. that is cold. all right. >> that was rough. >> jimmy: that was rough, yeah. i'm gonna start this one.
happy 4th. hope it's a great day. you there? just wanted to see how your 4th is going. [ light laughter ] nothing better than a great fireworks show. [ light laughter ] smiley face. you there? [ light laughter ] well hope it's a great 4th. >> thanks. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: that's putting it out. really hoping you have a great 4th. all right. why don't you go. ♪ >> did you fall from heaven? because based on your picture, i think you might be an angle. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: an acute or obtuse one? [ laughter and applause ] >> huh? >> jimmy: you said i was an angle. i was asking what kind? [ light laughter ] >> i don't know. the type of angle with beautiful eyes and a killer smile. >> jimmy: so obtuse? >> exactly. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: on the wrong page. all right i'm going to start this one. hey, sophie, happy face. >> who is this? >> jimmy: lol. you gave me your number no more than five minutes ago. >> i think she gave you the wrong number. ouch. [ light laughter ]
and they sent this picture with a caption. i know that feel, bro. [ applause ] >> jimmy: let's do one more. let's do one more. here we go. it will be nice to finally meet you. >> you, too! we've been chatting for quite a a while now. i drink my coffee anally. >> jimmy: good to know. smiley face. >> no! i drink my coffee at ansely. [ bleep ] auto correct. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's all we have. my thanks to aziz ansari! we'll be back with carla gugino, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ has more high-speed data nowthan ever before.reless... we're talking double the data for just 10 bucks more. that's 10 gigs of high-speed data...
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our history is made from the inside. how will you make yours? wokay, i got roped into spending the day with my sister's kids (makes farting noise) and they like keep talking about back to school shopping? back to school is like our red carpet. just go to old navy. they have like the coolest back to school clothes up to 60% off. it's what we all wear. and they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. noice! don't say "noice." sounds stank! no... stop. okay. um. guess what! we're going to old navy. who's excited? who wants to go shopping?
welcome carla gugino! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. >> hi. how you doing? >> jimmy: welcome back. you look gorgeous. thank you for coming back. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i appreciate that. >> i always love it. i look forward to it all day long. this is what i'm gonna do at the end of the night. it's so, so awesome. >> jimmy: oh, it's perfect. yeah. >> so wait a minute. we have to say that people who are texting on their first dates have it so much easier than when the guy had to call my dad, at least. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> when you used to have to be -- like, did you have to do that? like you pick up the phone, your like, hi, this is jimmy, i'm calling for carla. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. i would always -- >> and then you get the full vet from the parents? >> jimmy: yeah. i was -- i had to have it already written it out. i'm saying, like hi, this is jimmy, may i please speak to carla? [ light laughter ] >> exactly. >> jimmy: and they go, okay. and like, we approve. hold on. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: carla, jimmy's on the phone. yeah. >> so jimmy, what have you been doing? what do you want to do with my daughter? [ laughter ]
like now you get to just say, like, hey, you want to have sex? it's like, it's totally different. >> jimmy: they just cut right to the chase. yeah, yeah. >> exactly. >> jimmy: what is the carla gugino? i would say -- i love saying your full name. >> oh, well thank you. >> jimmy: it's a fun name to say. carla gugino. >> you know when i went to italy as a kid, i was trying to tell them what my name was. and they're like, what's your name? i was like, carla. and they were like, carla? carla? carla? like the carla gugino, it's italian. carla. carla gugino. >> jimmy: yeah, carla gugino. >> these are my people. but yes, they wanted me to change my name when i first started acting. that's because they thought it was too ethnic and that people wouldn't understand it. and that i should find something easier. >> jimmy: is that right? >> and you know, i really young. i was like 13 and i really kind of thought, well maybe they know what they're talking about. >> jimmy: what would you change it to? >> well, that was the problem. i started thinking about it. and i was like, well, you know my mom's maiden name is burgess. which is a great name. irish name. english-irish. but then my middle name is neill. >> jimmy: neill? >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow, that's pretty cool. never heard that. >> yeah. my middle name is neill. my grandfather's name was neil.
>> jimmy: ah, there you go. >> but mine has an extra "l" for the feminine -- >> jimmy: for lovely, yeah. >> little feminine touch. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's cool. >> and so i thought like patricia neill, carla neill. maybe i could do that. and then i was like, you know what thought my italian father will be devastated. >> jimmy: exactly. >> i mean, my dad's name is carl gugino. >> jimmy: no way. >> so yes. >> jimmy: are you kidding me? what? >> so you can guess where my name came from. >> jimmy: what an ego maac your dad is. really? >> wait a minute. >> jimmy: to name your daughter -- no i'm kidding. no -- >> isn't -- isn't your dad also -- >> jimmy: oh, yeah. no, it's -- well my families the worst. my dad's name is jim, i'm jim. my mom's name is gloria and my sister is gloria. >> no way. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: most unoriginal parents in the entire world. >> i didn't know the gloria part. >> jimmy: oh my god. oh. my mom yes. excuse me. >> gloria. >> jimmy: and we have -- i have two babies. why didn't you name them gloria? [ laughter ] i'm not gonna do that to them mom. >> so you go by like big and little or senior and junior? >> jimmy: well we did that for a little bit. i mean, for and my dad it was like, you want to talk to big jim or little jim. >> right. >> jimmy: and it didn't really work well with my mom. >> yeah, cause -- >> jimmy: i don't want to be big gloria. [ laughter ] >> no.
no. >> jimmy: i'm medium gloria. yeah. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's talk about "roadies." i love it. >> oh. >> jimmy: it's great. it's on showtime. you got to check it out. it's from the creative j.j. abrams and cameron crowe. >> cameron crowe. yes. >> jimmy: i love cameron. [ applause ] he's my -- >> i mean i -- i love that man so much. and i know the feeling's mutual. by the way, and i'm dying to tell you guys about "roadies," cameron had a question for you. he was like, what's happening to the dennis hope hairdo? we need it back. his character from "almost famous." >> jimmy: oh my gosh. >> it is -- first of all jimmy's brilliant in it. >> jimmy: no i'm not. >> secondly, the hair. >> jimmy: i know. but everyone started like, is that is a wig? no. that's really my hair. >> no, it's so good. it's such a good look. >> jimmy: no it's not cool when people think you're wearing a a wig and it's your actual hair. [ laughter ] i love cameron so much. i love how he's love things. >> i know. he -- >> jimmy: he can make you feel like it's -- like this mug is like, that is a beautiful mug. that is the coolest mug ever. no one can touch that mug the way you touch it. >> that's such a good cameron impression. >> jimmy: and you go, ah, it is a great mug. and you just feel like a a million bucks. to everybody on the whole set. >> it's true though. i mean, i really think, it's a a show about a rock 'n roll band touring the country.
[ cheers and applause ] >> yes of course. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: the best band in all the land. >> the roots. >> jimmy: oh is that right? the roots. yeah, i guess so, yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> you could -- >> jimmy: i was a roadie once. oh kind of a little bit for you guys. well i opened up for you guys, remember in atlantic city. >> tariq: oh, yeah, yeah. the borgata. >> jimmy: the borgata. yeah. and james and i -- >> tariq: stevie wonder night. >> jimmy: no it was the best night ever. >> did you really? >> jimmy: that was the best story ever. so the roots go out. we get there. i'm doing stand-up before the roots go on. and i get off the stage and james is hanging out there. and i go, what are you doing james? you're not going on the stage? he goes, no, they forgot, somebody forgot his keyboard. so i go, how do you forget james' keyboard. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah. so i go, what are you going to do? he goes, i don't know. i'm just gonna hang out. and i go, alright. so he goes, want to have a a drink? i go, great. we got a tequila or something like that. so we got the tequila. we're hanging out. and the guy at the hotel goes, hey, you guys, want to say hi to stevie wonder?
he's here. and i go, sure. so james and i go over and it's not like -- i thought it was gonna be like a concert. >> right. >> jimmy: it's like ten people and stevie wonder. that's it. >> wow. >> jimmy: so we go up. we meet stevie wonder and i was just goofing off. >> like a dream at this point. >> jimmy: so we're goofing off and i go -- ♪ ebony and ivory and stevie goes -- ♪ their together like perfect harmony ♪ >> no way. >> jimmy: then i go, i'm just going to keep this going. i'm not gonna stop. so i go like -- ♪ we all know the people ♪ he starts playing the piano. james goes down and plays the other piano with stevie and we sing the full-on harmony "ebony and ivory." >> that is bananas. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and then we went -- >> tariq: and went back. >> jimmy: then we went -- then we went backstage and watch those guys perform, with two tequilas, like laughing and totally obnoxious. why are you so happy? [ laughter ] oh it was the best story ever, man. >> that is crazy. >> jimmy: well this -- it's the kind of fun things you'll see when you watch "roadies." you're fantastic in it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i want to show everyone a clip. here is carla gugino in "roadies." take a look.
>> put her with everyone else. she was horrible to me my entire childhood. >> copy. and may i say that, i'm very sorry to hear that. >> you are? >> you deserve better. >> i do? >> of course. >> should i give that [ unintelligble ] >> yeah. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> she, she's been on the road away from her husband for a a little too long. >> jimmy: yeah. that's all i'm going to say from that clip. >> jimmy: august 28th is the season finale and eddie vedder is appearing on it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's just pretty rad. >> it's so amazing. i mean, it's funny because my birthday is august 29th. so it's the day before my birthday but it made me think of birthdays because it was cameron's birthday the night that eddie was there and they've known each other forever. and eddie totally pied him in
the face. >> jimmy: did he really? >> and we have that in the show, the characters. it's like a, it's a theme, if someone really loves you they put a pie in your face. >> jimmy: that is true. >> so, yeah. >> jimmy: next time you come back, i'm gonna put a pie in your face. >> i mean, i'm ready. >> jimmy: carla gugino, everybody. "roadies" airs sundays 10:00 p.m. on showtime. jeff dye performs stand-up for us next. stick around everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ mmi'm talking to you,me! creamy white cheddar mac & cheese with bacon. can you feel it? you like that don't you? you taste so creamy. the little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. you naughty little... did you just spank your lunch? yes. nice. food you want to fork. introducing devour.
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all right. a little about myself. i'm a white guy. [ light laughter ] so if you know anything about history, i'm sorry. [ laughter ] our bad on all that. what else about me? i'm not the smartest guy in the world. i found out that i have dyslexia back in 2031. [ laughter ] cool. [ applause ] so i'm dumb, but i am very happy. [ light laughter ] i'm like the happiest guy i know. and i'm probably happy because i'm dumb. [ laughter ] all right every smart person i've ever met seems to be ticked off all the time. every smart person i know seems to be very annoyed and bothered. they think everything's a a nuisance. they don't have time for anything. i'm starting to think dumb is gooder. [ laughter ] right? [ cheers and applause ] i think what it is, is smart people, they put all this learning into their brain and then they don't know what to do with it. so it frustrates them. so they just walk around grumpy all day. like, global warming and gluten
and -- [ laughter ] other smart stuff. i don't know what they're thinking about. [ laughter ] i know i don't struggle with that at all. i'm usually picturing animals wearing clothes. [ laughter ] just happy. my friends are like, what are you laughing about, jeff? i was like, oh dogs don't wear rain boots. [ laughter and applause ] i'm dumb because my parents are dumb. that's how it happened. [ light laughter ] my dad came with my mom and he was like, we should have babies and my mom was like, baby, okay. and then i came out, like, i'm baby. [ laughter ] at least that's how they explained it to me. i don't know. it's not a long tale. my dad's actually so dumb he replies to junk mail. [ laughter ] i wish that was a joke, that's not a joke. we caught him replying to junk mail. we sat him down, we're like dad, you don't have to reply to this. it's called spam mail, it goes to millions of people, it's
sent by robots, it's not just for you. he's like, "oh i'll take it from here." [ laughter ] dear barnes & noble, this looks like a great sale, but i'll be out of town on the 23rd. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you're an idiot. on christmas, he referenced to us that he has a twitter account. we were like, pause christmas. [ light laughter ] show us immediately. and he walks us over to the computer and sure enough, my dad's been tweeting every day ten times a day for the last year. right? why didn't we know this? because he doesn't follow anyone and no one follows him. [ laughter and applause ] he's just been shooting this stuff into space, like dad, you don't have a twitter, you have a diary. that's what this is. [ laughter ] it's just a record of your whereabouts, ding-dong. [ light laughter ] my mom and dad are pretty mad at me too that i'm this age and i'm not married yet. but i think i'd be good at getting married.
and i can watch netflix and not have sex. [ light laughter ] heck, i'm already doing it. you know? practice. you know? i went to a wedding recently. and i thought it was very annoying. because the guy who talked at the wedding, the guy who has like this square right here, he was like, kept repeating himself like over and over again. he was trying to explain to us that marriage is two people becoming one. but he kept like just winging it. you know like he would say it just slightly different. he was like, marriage is two bodies becoming one body. two hearts becoming one heart. two souls becoming one. two households becoming one household. two entered into one physically and sexually and spiritually and legally. two walked into this church, now leave as one. [ laughter ] the two sandboxes, we pour the sand into one sandbox. because it was two boxes but
now one sandbox with two stupid candles we go down, we light one. they blow it out. because there was two flames, but now one. i get it! [ laughter ] i get it! two now one. wrap it up! you know. [ laughter ] i've got bridesmaids to meet churchman, all right let's do this. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. i will say that though, if you're married and you now believe you're one, i think that's beautiful. i just don't need to hear it a a million different ways. and i do believe if think you're now one, you should use that to your advantage. next time you get into a fight with your spouse, you can just look them right in the eyes and go "listen honey, i don't hate your mom. we hate your mom." [ laughter and applause ] all right, we're one now. these are our thoughts, okay. use it for everything. i didn't look at that lady's butt. we looked at that lady's butt. [ laughter and applause ] i wish we wouldn't have, honey. all right? we've been real pervs lately. [ laughter ] don't get me started on our internet history. all right. [ laughter ]
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was fantastic, buddy. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: thank you so much for doing that. my thanks to aziz ansari, carla gugino, jeff dye once again! [ cheers and applause ] chad smith right over there from red hot chili peppers. the roots from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- jonah hill, author, jonathan franzen, music from gallant, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen and mary timony. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, everybody. i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] oh, yeah. that's good to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. in the last 24 hours, donald trump has refused to endorse republican leaders up for re-election, accused john mccain of failing veterans, suggested americans pull their