tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC August 26, 2016 12:37am-1:38am PDT
have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- chelsea handler. senator chuck schumer. comedian matteo lane. featuring the 8g band with jon wurster. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everybody, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. hillary clinton cited an old mexican proverb in her speech in nevada today to highlight the unchanging nature of donald trump.
a mexican proverb, or as trump calls it, "a spell! [ laughter ] i knew it, she's a witch!" [ laughter ] at a rally in mississippi last night, donald trump called hillary clinton a bigot because she, quote, "sees people of color only as votes, not as human beings." hillary said, "that's ridiculous, i love all people of color, whether they are black, asian, or working class urban latinos ages 35 to 50." [ laughter ] and as long as they vote. hillary clinton had a phone interview with cnn's anderson cooper last night, and she had to do it by phone, because nobody could possibly lie to that face. [ laughter ] at his rally today, donald trump said that people labeling him as a racist is a tired argument. you know things are bad when your only response to being called a racist is, "tell me something i don't know." [ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ] yeah. according to a new poll, 62% of republican voters would like donald trump to release his tax returns. and 58% would like him to release mike pence. that man has suffered enough. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] you let him go! republican vice presidential candidate mike pence held campaign events in north carolina yesterday to help donald trump close the one-point gap with hillary clinton in the state. and it would be a shame if they closed the gap, considering that's where mike pence gets all his clothes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] no, we don't have to. it doesn't have to come to that. donald trump's running mate mike pence tweeted six pictures of himself stopping to get a burger of himself in north carolina yesterday. "okay, now he's just rubbing it in," said chris christie.
[ laughter ] "aw, you get to get burgers?" [ light laughter ] the most popular search on the adult website pornhub during rio's olympic games was reportedly naked gymnastics, which is also what parents claim they are doing when their kids walk in on them. [ laughter ] "oh, your father and i, we were just doing -- um, naked gymnastics, yeah. and you saw the dismount. [ light laughter ] and your father got the gold, because like always, he finished first." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "oh, great, karen, do that in front of them." it's a play on words. [ laughter ] we'll be the new "hamilton." [ light laughter ] what are we doing now, jokes? okay. a new study has found that the more selfless a person is, the more sex they tend to have, so play on, player. [ laughter ]
"the view" this week celebrated its 20th anniversary, although that might not be factually correct, because i heard it on "the view." [ laughter ] [ applause ] southwest airlines pilots picketed in dallas yesterday over a wage dispute that has spent two years in ongoing negotiations. the dispute has been going on so long that group "c" is almost ready to board. [ laughter ] and finally, a man in ireland has created a working batman outfit with 23 different features. so now you've just got to kick back and wait for somebody to murder his parents. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight! from the netflix talk show "chelsea," our friend chelsea handler is back on the show. so excited that she's here. [ cheers and applause ] also, we got a real life senator here tonight. new york senator chuck schumer
is stopping by. i'm looking forward to talking to him. [ cheers and applause ] and we'll have stand-up comedy from the very funny man matteo lane. [ cheers and applause ] so it's going to be a good show tonight. but before we get to all that, it is hard to pin down donald trump on certain things, but the one thing where everyone knows where he stands is immigration. but now with his poll numbers falling, trump is changing that position in an effort to broaden his appeal. and this is going to shock you, it's not going great. for more on this, it's time for "closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: the worst part of donald trump trying to broaden his appeal by shifting his immigration policy isn't the hypocrisy, the worst part is how people are talking about it in the grossest language possible. >> is donald trump softening his stance on immigration? >> he seems to be softening. >> there certainly can be a softening. >> donald trump softening -- >> the softening -- >> donald trump is softening. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's right, trump is
softening, also known as flip-flopping. he's softening and flopping, he's really sagging in the swing states. [ light laughter ] you see, his poll percentage is down and he can't seem to get it up. can't get any penetration in the -- oh, i do not feel good doing this. [ laughter ] [ applause ] now, keep in mind -- keep in mind trump's supposed pivot on immigration comes after over a year of trump repeatedly claiming that immigrants were pouring into our country, and he would get them out, as he assured chuck todd in an interview last year. >> we have to make a whole new set of standards, and when people come in, they have to -- >> so you're going to split up families? >> chuck -- >> you're going to deport families, deport children? >> no, no, we're gonna keep the families together. we have to keep the families together. >> but you're going to kick them out. >> but they have to go. >> what if they have no place to go? >> we will work with them. they have to go. chuck, we either have a country or we don't have a country. >> it's still not clear. >> chuck, chuck, it will work out so well. you will be so happy. in four years you're going to be interviewing me and you're going to say, "what a great job you've done, president trump." [ light laughter ]
>> seth: "and you'll be so happy and you'll want a selfie with me, and i'll take it with you and it's going to be a great selfie, chuck, and i'm going to be a great president." [ light laughter ] but now just two months into the election the candidate who said "they have to go" is doing a complete 180. >> everybody agrees we get the bad ones out, but when i go through and i meet thousands and thousands of people on the subject, and i've had very strong people come up to me, really great, great people come up to me, and they said mr. trump, "i love you, but to take a person that's been here for 15 or 20 years and throw them and the family out, it's so tough." i mean, i have it all the time! it's a very, very hard thing. >> seth: very, very hard thing. i thought it was softening. [ light laughter ] and let's also remember that on top of saying undocumented immigrants quote, "had to go," trump also repeatedly slammed president obama for signing an executive order that allowed undocumented immigrants known as dreamers to stay in the country, a policy trump called amnesty. >> one of the first things i'm going to do is get rid of the
executive order that obama says, you know, just come on in through our southern border. >> seth: you know, it's amazing that donald trump can do an interview in front of a christmas tree and still be the most colorful thing in the room. [ laughter ] he looks like the neon sign outside a jazz bar. [ laughter ] melania must have to wear two eye masks to fall asleep at night. [ light laughter ] so trump promised mass deportation and blamed obama for allowing immigrants to pour into the country, but now that he's suddenly trying to broaden his appeal, he's changed his tune. when he was pressed for specifics on his immigration plan by bill o'reily on monday, trump, who has spent a year calling the current immigration system a disaster, actually praised obama. >> the first thing we're going to do, if and when i win, is we're going to get rid of all of the bad ones. we have existing laws that allow you to do that. as far as everybody else, we're going to go through the process. what people don't know is that obama got tremendous numbers of people out of the country. bush, the same thing. lots of people were brought out of the country with the existing laws.
well, i'm going to do the same thing. >> seth: that's right. trump now says he's going to do the exact same thing as obama, although trumps copying obamas is a family tradition. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] so to recap, trump just admitted that his immigration rhetoric up to this point has been a complete sham, and now trump is not only praising obama, he's saying he's going to do the same thing. think about how crazy that is. he's spent the entire campaign complaining that hillary would continue obama's policies, like he did just yesterday. >> there's nothing there. there's nothing going. there's nothing for you. that's going to be four more years of obama. >> seth: you just said you were going to be four more years of obama. [ light laughter ] in fact, trump said there was only one thing he'd do differently than obama on immigration. >> we're going to go through the process like they are now, perhaps with a lot more energy. >> seth: more energy? does trump even have that much energy? he talks about himself like he's simone biles, but he moves around like a bear who's honey drunk. [ laughter ]
[ slurring ] wall. trump is trying to have it both ways. he wants to change his position on immigration to broaden his appeal, while also assuring his hardcore supporters he's not changing at all. but his campaign isn't exactly doing a great job of that. just take his national spokeswoman katrina pierson, who made this less than convincing argument today on cnn. >> he hasn't changed his position on immigration, he's changed the words that he is saying. [ laughter ] >> seth: what does that even mean? that's like saying i'm not breaking up with you, i'm just living in a different house with another woman, and we have three kids. [ laughter ] also, is there any job worse than spokesperson for donald trump? it's like being a zookeeper when the monkeys start throwing their [ bleep ] at people. [ laughter ] "no, that means they like you." [ light laughter ] here's the problem for trump. he's already spent a year whipping up his supporters with vitriolic rhetoric on immigration, and they're not just going to let him change now. remember, they chant "build that
wall" at all of the rallies. and one guy even showed up to a trump rally dressed as the wall. [ laughter ] that guy doesn't want to go home and make an amnesty costume. [ light laughter ] he wouldn't even know where to start. "i don't know, i guess i put a door here?" [ light laughter ] or take trump's most vocal right-wing media backer ann coulter, who just released a book called "in trump we trust," but when coulter heard about trump's potential softening on immigration, she said this. >> this could be the shortest book tour ever if he's really softening his position on immigration. >> seth: to be fair, when you write a book called "in trump we trust," you were just asking for that to blow up in your face. [ light laughter ] almost as bad as if her book was called "totally true things that happen to ryan lochte." [ laughter ] [ applause ] so, this is the basic predicament trump has. if he starts to soften his position, he alienates his base, and if he appeals to his base, he alienates people of color. for example, trump was at one point polling at 0% -- 0% -- among african-americans, but now his advisers reportedly have a plan -- just get back to the old trump. they claim that, quote, "before
his birther crusade against obama, private trump organization research showed trump popular with african-americans." trump advisers are hoping in the campaign's final 75 days to get him back to that place admired for, well, lifestyle. that's right, just get back to the old trump. you know, the trump who sued for housing discrimination by the justice department, or the trump who once claimed that his life would be easier if only he were african-american. or how about the trump who hosted "the apprentice" and proposed an insane idea for an entire season in which white contestants would compete against black contestants. >> what do you have to compete? >> it would be nine blacks against nine whites, all highly educated, very smart, strong, beautiful people, right? >> wouldn't that set off a racial war in this country? >> i don't think so. see, actually, i don't think it would. [ light laughter ] >> seth: somehow, donald trump managed to come up with an idea for a tv show that was too crazy for howard stern. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and yet apparently trump is
feeling emboldened, because he tried to turn the tables last night on hillary clinton, ploying the "i know you are, but what am i?" strategy in calling r a bigot, but even some of his supporters seem not to be buying it. check out the lady on the left behind trump. >> hillary clinton is a bigot who sees people of color -- [ laughter ] -- only as votes. [ applause ] >> seth: that lady -- that lady went through all five stages of grief in about nine seconds. [ laughter ] she looks like she saw her neighbor sleeping with the pool boy. "janice? but she and danforth just bought a house on the vineyard!" [ laughter ] this has been "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with chelsea handler, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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he looks a little ticked off now. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. give it up for the 8g band right over there. also, he's been with us all week on drums. he did an amazing job. we're so happy to have him. from indie rock legend superchunk, and one of my favorite bands, the mountain
goats, jon wurster, everybody! thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] check out john's drumming on the latest release from the mountain goats, "beat the champ." it's a fantastic album, as well as on tour with the band beginning in september. thank you so much for a fantastic week, jon. >> thank you for having me. it's been great. >> seth: please, come back again. >> i will. [ applause ] >> seth: our first guest tonight is a comedian and "new york times" best-selling author. her talk show "chelsea" is currently streaming on netflix. she's also co-hosting the global citizens festival, which airs live on september 24th from 3:00 to 7:00 p.m. on msnbc. please welcome back to the show, our friend chelsea handler. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: gorgeous! >> oh, hi. >> seth: you look gorgeous. >> oh, you look gorgeous. >> seth: thank you. >> you look gorgeous. >> seth: thank you! >> and, hi to everybody. what a cute crowd! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so, i'm always so happy that you make time for us when you're in new york.
you're not in new york all the time. >> well, no, i'm not. i live in l.a., seth. >> seth: yeah. >> thank you for paying attention. >> seth: i do. i pay attention to things, but, one of the things -- >> the smell, is that your scent -- >> seth: is it? >> that's wafting over into my area? yes. >> seth: i don't think it is. >> very masculine, it must not be. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> it's probably one of the guys from the band. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. >> seth: their masculinity comes over a lot during -- i used to have a little fan to push it back. [ laughter ] so -- but, is this true that when you're in cities like new york, that you will use the tinder app? [ gasps ] >> yes. >> seth: you will? >> well, yeah. >> seth: okay. >> i mean, i'm not attached to anybody. >> seth: right. >> i'm single. and i think tinder is really -- that's what it's for. >> seth: yeah. >> is when you're in cities where you're going to bounce. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> you know? >> seth: like, just -- you're in for a couple of days. >> like, i'm not going to go hook up in l.a. where i have a home, and then, we're going to go back to my home -- >> seth: right. >> and then, i'm gonna be in an unsafe environment. here i have the police. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, one of the best police departments in the world, yeah. >> no, but i mean, i'm in a
hotel. i can go interview them at a bar, if i feel so inclined. >> seth: yeah. >> and i have done that. like, my last trip to new york was very successful. this trip to new york has been very busy thus far. i don't know what i'll do, but i'm very open to being on dating websites. if you're single, you should. no shame in it at all. >> seth: no. i will say, i don't think there's any shame in it. and i -- you know, i've been off the scene for eight years now, and there's a lot more technology with dating. >> yes. >> seth: and my question to you is -- because it's sounds, even though i'm happily married, it sounds kind of awesome. >> it -- [ laughter ] well, i think whatever you're into is fine. you know, like, it is awesome. if you want to -- i mean, it's great that you can go call somebody almost like a prostitute to show up at your hotel. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> i mean, as a woman, i'm like, "bring that on! yes!" >> seth: yes. >> but, i mean, i don't -- you know, i wouldn't say, like, "oh, it's the only way to do things." you know? >> seth: right. >> some people like relationships. >> seth: yeah, no, mine's great now. >> good for them. >> seth: but, when i think back, i just think, wow, like, it seems like i could have been so much more efficient. >> more successful. [ laughter ] that's the problem with men, is that they always are looking back.
you guys are always like, "if i could have, should have, would have." >> seth: yeah. >> and that's what sucks about you guys. >> seth: uh-huh. >> you know what i mean? you had -- you're married. you're lucky that a woman even married you, you know? >> seth: yeah, no. [ laughter ] i think that every day. >> and you should wake up every day saying, "thank you for my baby. thank you for my wife." but instead, you're like, "i wish i had been around when tinder was relevant." [ laughter ] >> seth: well no, it's just -- well, here's the thing, because i do want to blame my wife a little bit. [ laughter ] which is -- >>'d blame her. >> seth: she has a younger other, and he's on tinder, and she talks about it to me all the time. otherwise, i wouldn't hear about tinder. i don't live in these worlds anymore. but she's like, "can you believe he's doing it?" and then, explains it to me. and i have to be like -- >> right, she's -- >> seth: but, the thing is, she's trying to make it sound bad, but it sounds kind of awesome. >> no, no. [ laughter ] i disagree. i think she also is jealous that she's not able to be on tinder. >> seth: oh, no. >> yes. >> seth: now i don't like where this is going. [ laughter ] >> anybody who talks about something that much that they don't like, they don't like -- >> seth: oh, wow. >> yeah. >> seth: oh, okay. so this whole time i feel like she's trying to scare me off it, but she's really working through the same stuff. >> she's probably seeing people right now as we have this conversation. [ laughter ]
>> seth: this would be a perfect time to do it. congrats, by the way. you got another talk show on netflix. >> yes. >> seth: this is your second. [ cheers and applause ] >> this is my second, thanks. >> seth: and have you enjoyed it so far? >> i love it. i love my job. i love it. i get to talk about politics. i get to talk about sports. i get to learn about stuff i have no idea about, like politics and sports. [ laughter ] i get to mix that with celebrities and be stupid. i mean, i'm really, really happy with my job. >> seth: and traveling, you get to do a lot of traveling. >> yeah, we go to, like -- we went to russia. [ sighs ] [ laughter ] and we went to tokyo. we went to mexico. >> seth: you learned how to be a geisha. >> yeah. >> seth: and we actually have a clip of you. >> oh. >> seth: did you enjoy -- were you good at it? >> well, let's watch the clip if you have it. >> seth: okay, let's go. >> so, one drop in the sake cup, please. >> okay, but i can't go over, right? >> you can't go over or you have to drink it. ♪ >> ooh. ♪ >> oh. oh, boy. >> have you ever tried japanese kimono? >> yeah, it's very comfortable once you have it on, but it's a
lot of clothing. >> oh, yeah. >> i'm not used to wearing so much clothing. >> oh. [ laughter ] >> i like to be a topless a lot. ♪ [ laughter ] >> seth: so maybe not a super, like, natural at it. >> i'm not ever going to fit into the asian culture. >> seth: yeah. >> you know what i mean? i'm a woman that belongs in america. >> seth: yeah, that's true. you have a very western way of presenting yourself. >> a lot like ann coulter, but more reasonable. like, just loud, kind of in your face. asian men are never going to be interested in what i'm bringing to the table. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. well, and then -- and you know, because you were at a physical table right there. >> yes, i was. >> seth: you're going to india, though. >> well, no, i don't know if i'm going to india. i want to go to india. >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> so, i get a little down time with the show, and then we get to hopefully travel to some more places. >> seth: yeah. >> and so i want to go to places that i wouldn't go unless i was being filmed, you know? >> seth: oh. >> like, i wouldn't go -- >> seth: you wouldn't just go to india to discover it. >> no, i'm not, "eat, pray, love." like, i'm not going to go write a journal. [ laughter ] but if i'm being filmed, i'll do anything -- >> seth: got you. >> because i think that's responsible to, like, show people your experience for
traveling, like a travel log. >> seth: okay, got you. so, basically, you need to get paid to do it is what you're saying. [ laughter ] >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, okay. >> no, i'm -- oh, maybe i am going to india, mt. kilimanjaro. my brother and i are climbing mt. kilimanjaro because -- for a charity. >> seth: okay. >> i do it if money is being raised or money is being raised for me. >> seth: oh, gotcha. [ laughter ] which is -- this one you're raising for others. >> this is for syrian refugees, so that's for other people. but for, like, netflix stuff, when i travel for netflix money, i look at that as a fundraiser for me. >> seth: right. [ laughter ] but if you leave your house, someone's got to get paid. [ laughter ] like, if you're walking out the door, either, like, people -- needy people or you, somebody's getting paid. >> yeah, that's -- thank you for actually clarifying that, because now i know when i want to go back with them. >> seth: there you go. we talked about trump earlier in the show. you've said trump -- a trump presidency would be like a toddler running the white house. >> yeah. i mean, that's a hard pill to swallow. i'm really intent on making sure that doesn't happen, and i'm very political on my show, which
isn't very popular, because people think that it's -- you know, i'm very divisive or polarizes you. and people don't want to hear, like, they think -- they're like, "you're a comedian. shut up." i'm like, "what do you mean, shut up?" i have opinions, and you know, the fact that trump is running for the president of the united states is a -- puts a real -- i don't like that at all. >> seth: yeah. >> i don't want to make -- i want to make sure that doesn't happen. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you know, i think what's been very interesting about this election is i think there are plenty -- obviously, we've heard plenty of republicans don't like that at all either. >> right. >> seth: so, it's not necessarily a position only of very liberal people. >> no, and i think it's really responsible because if you have a voice and you have a bunch of people watching you, it's your responsibility to make sure you're not just trying to be popular. >> seth: yeah, i agree. and -- but this is very exciting, because i appreciate your voice, and i like hearing it, you got picked up for 90 more episodes next year on netflix. >> yeah, 90 episodes. >> seth: season two. >> that's right. >> seth: that's fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] >> you'll have to come on. >> seth: i can't wait. will you invite me? >> you're never in l.a., though. >> seth: i'm not really in l.a. much.
>> you've never -- you ever been to the west coast? >> seth: no, and i only go to use tinder, and my wife, she's like -- [ laughter ] no, i might be out soon, though, with her. >> come to l.a. >> seth: but, i'll be with her. >> come and say hello when you're in l.a. i'd like to show you -- i wouldn't like to show you anything. you can come over, though, and swim in my pool. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, great. well, that's quite a sort of middle-of-the-road invite. [ laughter ] thank you so much for being here, always a pleasure to see you. [ cheers and applause ] chelsea handler, everybody! new episodes of "chelsea" are available wednesday through fridays on netflix. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ so beautiful, so mesmerizing, the world's widest curved all-in-one. the new hp envy desktop. mommy, the cookies! they're ruined. the hp envy curved all-in-one with intel core i5 processor. hp. keep reinventing.
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that i was on the icelandic game show. and everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- "put that down. that's expensive." of course i save people an average of nearly $600, but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi. well, i feel better. it's been five minutes. talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to the show, everybody! before we move on, i just want to take a quick second and talk about some of the very exciting guests we have coming up next week. on mon -- >> boo! boo! >> seth: i'm sorry. what's going on over there? >> this is bull crap, man! [ laughter ] >> seth: what's bull crap? why are you so mad? >> i'll tell you why i'm mad. it's thursday, and ryan lochte has not been a guest on your show this week. [ laughter ] >> seth: what? >> did you forget about ryan lochte, the american hero who survived the horrific robbery attempt in the living hell that is rio de janeiro?
[ laughter ] >> seth: oh, no. no, buddy, that's not what happened. you know, he didn't survive a robbery attempt. >> jeah, you're right! he didn't survive the robbery attempt. he thwarted the robbery attempt -- [ laughter ] like a real life jack bauer or the deadpool. [ laughter ] >> seth: no. no, he lied about being robbed because he vandalized a gas station and then said he was robbed to cover it up. >> well, even if that is true, it's like the great dalai lama once said, "you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." [ laughter ] >> seth: no, the dalai lama didn't say that. two-face said that in "the dark knight." [ laughter ] >> the dalai lama wrote "the dark knight." [ laughter ] >> seth: i have to ask, did you dye your hair because of ryan lochte? >> no, i saw a ghost when i was five. [ laughter ] >> seth: what kind of ghost? >> ryan lochte. [ laughter ] >> seth: seriously, though, why are you defending ryan lochte? >> why aren't you defending him, huh?
i mean, give him a break! he's just a scared 32-year-old boy trying to impress his 19-year-old teammates. [ laughter ] >> seth: even if i did have an olympian on, it would be someone like simone biles, you know, who didn't lie and won four gold medals. >> she stole those gold medals from ryan lochte at gunpoint. [ laughter ] >> seth: no. no, she didn't. and you know what, man? you're a tool! >> that's right! i am a tool! and thanks to ryan lochte, i am proud to say it! have you any idea what it is like to be a tool? ♪ [ laughter ] the way people look at me when i yell out things like, "what do you mean it's last call? i just did a bunch of cocaine." [ laughter ] "i'm rick james, bitch!" or when someone slips and falls and breaks their ankle, and everybody rushes over to help them, and i stay behind and yell "party foul!" [ laughter ] i feel so alone in those moments. and then this beautiful man comes along with his platinum hair and face straight out of
hbo's "ballers." [ laughter ] and he stands up and pulls down his pants and pisses all over the side of a gas station. finally, i have my rosa parks, my gandhi, my steven spielberg. and you sit there on your perch, and you tool shame him! >> seth: i'm not tool shaming him! >> seth, during the olympics, there was some 14-year-old young tool watching ryan lochte lie to matt lauer, and it inspired him to go to summer school the next day and reach up high towards the stars and pull down the fire alarms. [ laughter ] because he wants to be a little asshole. [ laughter ] and he wouldn't have done that without the courage of a dumbass like ryan lochte. right, everyone? [ cheers and applause ] usa! usa! usa! usa! usa! [ audience chanting ] >> seth: why are you chanting
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>> seth: how are you? >> i am good. >> seth: i'm so happy to have you here. i have so much to ask you about, but i've always heard about this, and i want to clarify that, for years -- you are a senator. you've been going to d.c. for years. you have been living with other members of congress in a house that is worse than where i lived in college. >> much. [ light laughter ] >> seth: this is an actual photo of your bed, and i cannot believe, but this is really where you sleep, yes? >> i graduated after ten years -- the first ten years i slept on a couch, so i finally got a bed. >> seth: wow, and i just want to point out this is where senators sleep at night. there's a little sign on the door as you're leaving, if we can get in a little bit closer there. and getting in, getting in, and it's telling people to turn the heat up so that you don't have to pay extra heat bills. >> that is right. turn it down. >> seth: turn it down, there you go. yeah.
that is depressing. >> yeah. well, we had a great time in the house. i lived there 33 years. >> seth: you lived in this house for 33 years? >> 33 years. my roommates moved me in one night and i stayed there ever since. i tell people i live with my wife 35 years, i've lived with george miller 33 years. >> seth: wow. [ light laughter ] >> he was the landlord. >> seth: there you go. and now, when you first get to d.c., how do you first start meeting your sort of fellow congressmen? >> well, we all met on the basketball court. we would have a basketball game in the house, 4:00 or 5:30, tip o'neill, who was then the speaker. there'd be no votes between 4:00 and 5:30, and we met there and i became good friends with these guys. >> seth: is the gym still a place where people congregate and you get to sort of interact with them in a way you wouldn't otherwise? >> yes, yes, yes. i go to the gym every morning. what i learned when i started -- i stayed in the house gym to recruit members to run for the senate when i was senator, so i stayed there later. then i moved to the senate gym and i learned that republicans exercise early in the morning, democrats late in the day. >> seth: okay. >> i'm early in the morning and i actually have made some of my
best friends in the senate in that gym, worked across the aisle. we got a lot of things done. >> seth: that's great to hear. now i want to talk about -- >> it's the new smoke-filled room. >> seth: there you go, the new -- well, we're healthier. it's a healthier time now. >> exactly, yeah. >> seth: so donald trump -- and you talked about -- you obviously have friends who are republicans, that you work with. donald trump -- what must be frustrating for someone like you, because you're known as loving policy and the inner workings of politics. >> i do, yes. >> seth: donald trump seems to be disdainful of policy. >> he does. >> seth: and based on the friendships you just said you made, this is not a republican thing to be disdainful of policy, this is specific to donald trump. >> that's right. >> seth: does that scare you about him? >> yeah. i worry about it, because he doesn't have any policy plans on how he's going to do anything. "i'll just take care of that. i'll just take care of this." >> seth: it'll be great. >> it'll be great. he says, "i'm going to take care of isis." or he's on fox news, your rival there, and one night -- [ light laughter ] >> seth: colleagues, we're all colleagues. >> colleagues, friends, yes. and i was on live, i said -- so they said, "what about isis? the democratic convention is not talking about isis." i said, "well, why don't you ask your friend donald trump three questions.
one, he says he's going to get rid of isis. would he put troops overseas? if so, how many? and if not, how would he care of isis?" he has no answers to any of these or any other things, and it's worrisome. the good news, when middle class incomes are declining, when people are worried about their futures, whether they are young, middle aged, or old, they tend to vote for the democrats. i think donald trump is going to get clobbered. >> seth: you think he's going to get clobbered. >> yeah. >> seth: do people in d.c. blame you at all because he's such a new yorker and you represent this state? [ light laughter ] >> well, they blame me for being a new yorker sometimes for a lot of reasons. [ laughter ] >> seth: now, if, let's say, hypothetically, hillary clinton wins. there's a chance the democrats could take back the senate. doesn't look likely, the senate. the house is in play. >> right. >> seth: so how do we not move out of the gridlock we've experienced for the last eight years? >> here's my hope. you know, the hard right has really sort of strangled the congress.
they have wanted to do nothing, blockade, show government doesn't work. if the republicans lose again by a lot, let's say hillary gets 325 electoral votes, we take back the senate, we won't take back the house but pick up 15, 20 seats, i think a lot of the republicans will say enough of the hard right, let's compromise, let's work, let's get something done. i've had many republican senators come and tell me just that, so i am optimistic that we can actually turn things around and help people who need help, whether it's students who have loans or people who are working with such low wages or getting good jobs in this country, changing our trade policies. a lot to do. >> seth: didn't you have the same optimism going into the second term -- obama's second term? because it seemed to be a similar argument then -- they won't be able to run against me again, maybe they'll work with me? >> no, it wasn't quite that. if they get clobbered six out of seven elections, which will happen, a lot of them are going to change. they are. they're gonna stop -- they are not going to change, they are going to stop listening to the hard right.
>> seth: okay. >> and we are much more unified. you know, the difference between bernie sanders -- bernie sanders and i went to the same high school in brooklyn, new york, madison high school. he was on the track team, they were good, they won the city championship. i was on the basketball team, we weren't good. our motto at madison was, "we may be small, but we're slow." [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, there you go. >> the difference between bernie's views and my views and hillary's views are not that great, we believe in a lot of the same things. so we'll be able to work together in a unified way, but we are going to have to reach out to our colleagues and work together and get things done on the other side of the aisle, and i think we will. >> seth: that is -- i hope that your optimism is not misplaced. i also am very excited about this, because of course, you know this, that people criticize congress for not getting a lot done. you are -- are you sponsoring the bots bill? is this something you're behind?
>> yes, yes, yes. >> seth: now this is i think something anyone in this country who would hope to come to new york and would hope to see "hamilton" -- >> you bet. >> seth: you are trying to sponsor a bill that would lower the prices of "hamilton" tickets. >> you got it. well, for one -- yes. >> seth: this is not a joke. [ cheers and applause ] >> yes, this is true. these bots -- the minute the tickets go on sale -- because of technology, can press a little button and buy all the tickets up and then they sell them at high prices. we make that illegal. it's not now illegal, and guess who's working on it with me? lin-manuel miranda. he heard about this -- >> seth: that's not a bad person to work with you, yeah. [ applause ] >> and he is helping us. and the irony is, he worked -- when he was a teenager in the bronx, he knocked on doors for my first campaign for the senate. >> seth: that's unbelievable. >> and he is the greatest. he's a genius, i've worked with him on puerto rican stuff. and you know, he cares so much about this that they have allowed -- you know, certain days they let the school kids come to "hamilton," because they can't afford the tickets. but if we get this bots law passed -- not just for shows, for concerts. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, when paul mccartney or the rolling stones come, the tickets go through the roof. >> seth: and now is it true of senators --
>> have you guys heard of those groups? [ light laughter ] >> seth: the great thing that lin did, is he made "hamilton" younger than mccartney. [ light laughter ] so -- >> great guy. he's a great guy. >> seth: is it true that your senators -- other senators from other states will come to you and asking you for your "hamilton" ticket? >> i get so many requests for "hamilton" tickets. and i would call lin or i'd call his father luis who i knew, that i was put on probation. >> seth: you were cut off. >> for two months they would not let me get any tickets for anybody. but now i'm back in good graces. >> seth: okay, well that's great. so on your way out, make sure to ask him. [ laughter ] thank you so much for being here. best of luck in your reelection. [ cheers and applause ] senator chuck schumer, everybody. we'll be back with stand-up from matteo lane. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you work at ge? yeah, i do. you guys are working on some pretty big stuff over there, right? like a new language for crazy-big, world-changing machines. well, not me specifically.
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everybody. our next guest is a very funny comedian who will be performing "governors of levittown" in levittown, new york, august 26th and 27th. please welcome to the show matteo lane. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ o mio babbino caro mi piace e bello ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, guys. that is a true story of how i came out to my dad. [ laughter ] short conversation. i definitely have gay voice, so i'm sure you can -- like, clap if you can hear my gay voice.
[ applause ] right? thank you. thank you. yes. no. definitely gay voice. here's the thing, so, like, i'm running into issues with it because when you become a comedian, everybody around you, like, your manager, your agent, they all convince you now you that have to become an actor. they're like, "well, don't you want to be an actor? start auditioning, get in there. you're like seinfeld!" and it's like i don't know if i want to be an actor and i also hate actors. because everyone in new york is like, "i'm an actor." and you're like, "more fries, please." but -- [ laughter ] thanks. so, i'm just constantly going out in auditions and bombing them because of the sound of my voice. like, i went over to this one audition and the character description was literally, "zach, 19, football player." [ light laughter ] well, zach's going to have a secret to share with everyone. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you know?
hey, guys, i'm here for the team. [ light laughter ] hey, zach. but i have discovered that with acting, most times they don't care if you, like, memorize your lines or like, if you went to yale. this is yale. [ light laughter ] all they care about are looks, and i know what i look like. i'm italian and i'm also mexican, so like, from here up i just look like a deli worker. [ light laughter ] yeah, i have what i call deli face, so, like, without gay voice, i'd probably sound like -- [ italian accent ] "my friend!" or whatever. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] yeah. you know? i don't know. i mean, acting, it's weird. you know, i'm thinking about, like, well, as a kid i didn't really see gay people on tv except for c3po, and -- [ light laughter ] am i wrong, right? wasn't he, like, gay?
am i the only one? wasn't he gay? you know, like, the richard simmons of space. [ light laughter ] it's like, the whole -- the thing about him, too, is like, he got gayer in each "star wars" movie. the first movie he was just sort of like, "oh my." but then, like -- [ light laughter ] by "return of the jedi" at one point he literally just went, "dear lord!" i'm like -- [ applause ] i didn't know robots gasped. you know, every character's gay. like, i think every disney character is gay. like jafar is the gayest. [ light laughter ] i mean like, who is he kidding with jasmine, the whole thing? his whole thing was like, "prince abubu." okay. [ laughter ] sure. i mean, like, to me, when you have a jewel on your head and your best friend is a talking parrot -- [ light laughter ] gay. but, you know, i don't know.
listen, i'm a weird person. i had a strange childhood. i grew up in the same block as my first 22 cousins. so, strange. if you think that's weird, my uncle mike also like, waters his driveway, puts a fan on it and stands back and watches it dry till the sun goes down. he also sneezes like this -- a-choo oho -- ♪ and a couple of la dee das ♪ [ light laughter ] i was such a weird kid, though, like -- okay, so my cousin megan had these ruby red slippers and so my favorite thing to do was like run into the basement and put on the slippers and run around. and the other kids didn't care. they were too busy picking their nose or whatever. it's always the adult to, like, shame you or make you feel different. i remember the first time i ever felt different, ever, was my uncle bob pulled me aside and he was like, "matteo, why aren't you outside playing football like all the other boys?" and i thought about what he said, and i was like, "well, it's really hard to catch a football while running in these heels!"