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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  September 14, 2016 12:37am-1:38am PDT

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- bill hader, tony award-winning playwright sarah jones, music from testpattern. featuring the 8g band with matt garstka. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. how is everybody doing tonight? [ applause ] that is just wonderful to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. donald trump spent today campaigning in iowa, and it was going great until somebody tried
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to husk him. [ light laughter ] following an up roar over her hidden pneumonia diagnosis, hillary clinton said yesterday that she just didn't think it was going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. sure, when has keeping a secret ever hurt a clinton? [ laughter ] according to a new poll, neither hillary clinton nor donald trump is currently projected to have the necessary 270 electoral college votes to clinch the election. so you know what that means, a dance off! ♪ [ cheers ] >> seth: and we're still tied. [ laughter ] politico is reporting that hillary clinton's campaign staff is concerned that she often refuses to stay properly hydrated. huh, i guess that explains her new campaign logo.
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[ light laughter ] newt gingrich commented on hillary clinton's current health concerns last night, and said he is unlikely to trust her medical reports. oh, but you'll trust donald trump's doctor? [ laughter ] he looks like he got his medical license from a dave and busters claw machine. [ light laughter ] "i'll be right with you, donald. son of a bitch." that's me with my excellent object work. [ light laughter ] went to mime school for a year. [ light laughter ] bill clinton tried to dispel rumors yesterday about hillary clinton's health and said that she's almost certainly in better health than her opponent. i don't know, trump definitely has higher levels of vitamins k, f, and c. [ laughter and applause ] hillary clinton tweeted yesterday that like anyone who has ever been home sick from work, she is anxious to get back on the campaign trail. yeah, you do not understand ordinary americans.
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[ light laughter ] most people who are home sick from work are thinking how, "long can i stretch this out?" [ laughter and applause ] hillary clinton yesterday tweeted out a calculator to help voters figure out how much they would save on student loan payments under her college plan, and so bill could spell "boobs." [ laughter ] "hillary. hillary, look. do you get it?" [ light laughter ] olympic swimmer ryan lochte's debut on "dancing with the stars" was interrupted last night when audience members rushed the dance floor in the middle of the judges' comments. lochte got so scared, he peed all over a brazilian gas station. [ light laughter ] the first official trailer for the upcoming "50 shades of grey" sequel was released online today. "awesome," said someone who hasn't heard of porn. [ laughter ]
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"aw, yeah. [ light laughter ] i'll be in here watching a trailer." [ light laughter ] amazon has announced that its virtual assistant device, the amazon echo, can now control g.e. alliances. and the weird thing is they found that out from the amazon echo. "i toasted some bagels, dave. [ light laughter ] you like bagels, don't you, dave?" [ light laughter ] and finally, the ceo of weigh watchers re-signed yesterday or as they're telling it, "we lost 180 pounds." [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen we have a fantastic show for you tonight. he is one of the stars of ifc's "documentary now." he's one of my oldest friends. bill hader is here tonight, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] how about that? and she is an incredible talent. she is in the new play "sell/buy/date." tony award-winning playwright and actress sarah jones is on the show.
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[ cheers and applause ] i can't wait to talk to her. and we will have music from the seminal art rock band, and also one of the subjects of a "documentary now" episode this year, testpattern is in the house tonight. [ cheers and applause ] if you were a music fan in the late 70s and early 80s, you love testpattern and i'm so happy they're going to be here. now, moving on, the presidential race has been focused in the last few days on new calls to see both candidates' full health records, and an uproar over hillary clinton's claim that half of trump's supporters are motivated by racism or prejudice. for more on this it's time for "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: as you probably heard by now, hillary clinton has been diagnosed with pneumonia and has taken a few days off the campaign trail. of course, the first instinct for anyone, whether you support her or not, should be to hope she recovers quickly. and if you work at fox news your second instinct is to start speculating about whether she'll drop out of the race. >> there are already journalists
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and others on social media speculating, we want to underline speculating, about whether clinton will have to drop out and someone like joe biden will be drafted. >> the dnc, if these reports are correct, might be considering a replacement. >> the democrats now reportedly considering a replacement. >> the democrats now reportedly considering a replacement? what? >> we wanted to know how do you think the concerns over hilary's health will change the race? zach says, "all an act. i'd say, she will probably drop out now, sanders will be back in the race." >> seth: oh, well if zach says it -- [ laughter ] it must be true. if you're watching fox news for information about the election you might as well just cut out the middle man and ask mom what her facebook friends are saying. "you know linda says that hillary has been a ghost for ten years. i don't know. it has 54 likes." [ light laughter ] and then there are those using this as an opportunity to falsely imply that donald trump has actually maintained a much tougher schedule than hillary clinton. >> it's not easy, you know, giving extemporaneous hour-long
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speeches day after day after day. so it is grueling and, i think your schedule has been more grueling than the one she's been pursuing, and i think that's been well documented. >> seth: you think trump's schedule is harder because he talks off the top of his head for an hour and a half? hillary has to prepare an actual speech. trump shows up in a hat and windbreaker like a hungover little league umpire. [ laughter and applause ] "let's keep it at three innings today, boys, it was a late one. [ cheers and applause ] strike two, you're out." look, reporting on a presidential candidate's health is totally legitimate, and hillary should have disclosed her diagnosis immediately. but in this case, her health is getting way more attention because trump supporters have already spent weeks spreading baseless conspiracy theories implying she has a secret illness. and now thanks to those months of innuendo, the internet rumor mill about hillary's health is in full swing. >> here's something else, guys, that is trending. i couldn't believe this. so first of all, all morning long it was hillary's health. now it's "hillary's body double" that is trending this morning. so, check this out, these are
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the side by side pictures that are surfacing all over the web and people are talking about it using that hashtag and saying "what in the world?" people are asking themselves "is this really real?" so you're going to see a lot of memes, a lot of gifs, people being funny about it. but others say, "hey, wait a minute, this could be a real thing." >> i don't know, if you've seen the movie "dave" from long ago, it's about a body double for the president. >> yes. >> ah. all right. >> kevin kline. it's a good movie. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's right, they're comparing this election to the movie "dave," which is ridiculous. "dave" is about a know-nothing business man who is accidentally thrust into the presidency even though he is completely unprepared, and -- okay maybe there's more similarities than i thought. [ laughter ] also -- [ cheers ] for future reference, you can immediately dismiss something if it is cat video adjacent. [ light laughter ] now, on top of the health debate is the uproar over comments
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hillary made on friday, claiming that as many as half of trump supporters are a "basket of deplorables." hillary later apologized, not for using the term deplorables, but only for saying they make up half of trump supporters. >> "last night i was grossly generalistic, and that's never a good idea. i regret saying half. that was wrong." >> seth: oh, snap, hills. [ laughter and applause ] i'm sorry i said your parents are ugly. i should have said your mom was ugly. your dad all right. [ laughter and applause ] trump supporters, sensing a gaffe, immediately pounced, but the response wasn't especially well executed. first there was trump's running mate, mike pence, who was ready to tear into hillary as soon as he could find his prepared remarks. >> hillary clinton, in remarks that were made in new york city, just last night, bear repeating. [ light laughter ] let me see where someone put them here.
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[ light laughter ] >> take your time. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's the worst stalling. "hillary clinton -- former first lady -- one-time secretary of state -- chelsea's mom -- [ light laughter ] i am outraged by this remark and i will express that outrage as soon as i find my outrage cards." [ light laughter ] but probably the weirdest reaction came from trump supporter and former arkansas govener mike huckabee, who tried his hands at rhyming by tweeting, quote, "hillary shows contempt for people in her basket. i think she blew a gasket. her campaign headed for a casket." [ audience oohs ] [ light laughter ] aw, mike huckabee, if you want to be the real slim shady, you got to be slim. [ laughter and applause ] and then there was trump himself, who claimed hillary's comments show she is out of touch.
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>> while hillary clinton lives a sequestered life behind gates and walls, and guards, she mocks and demeans hard working americans. >> seth: that's right. hillary is an elitist, who lives a life of luxury. while donald trump is a regular, everyday, man of the people. [ light laughter ] as you can tell from the humble decor in his home at trump tower. >> trump lives in the penthouse. [ light laughter ] a three-story mansion in the sky with decor inspired by the palace of versailles. the floors are marble and there are impressive chandeliers, and gold. lots and lots of gold. >> seth: lots and lots of gold. donald trump isn't just the second most out of touch candidate, he's the second best austin powers villain. [ light laughter ] but that wasn't even the most galling thing trump said yesterday, because he also claimed that hillary should either apologize or drop out. >> the disdain that hillary clinton expressed toward millions of decent americans, disqualifies her from public
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service. if hillary clinton will not retract her comments in full, i don't see how she can credibly campaign any further. >> seth: but if you had to drop out every time you insulted millions of people and refused to apologize, your campaign announcement speech would have sounded like this. >> when mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. they're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists. so now i am officially quitting. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: look -- [ cheers and applause ] was hilary making a lazy, sweeping generalization? ye,s she was. but was there a core truth to what she said, that we all need to grapple with? yes. because you can't deny trump's candidacy has attracted support from white nationalists and their followers, like former kkk leader david duke.
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and on top of that, polling suggests that about two thirds of trump supporters believe obama is a muslim. and that 59% of trump supporters believe obama was not born in the united states. trump supporters may try to deny this, as former congressman jack kingston tried to do on friday. but he was quickly shutdown by a reporter who actually covers trump rallies, and who said this about trump supporters. >> let me tell you what donald trump supporters tell me. [ talking over each other ] >> let katy report here. >> let me tell you what donald trump supporters tell me on the campaign trail often. they often say that they believe he's a muslim. some of them even go on to say that they believe he's an undercover operative. a manchurian candidate, if you will. >> seth: okay, but if obama really is a manchurian candidate, here is my question. what is he waiting for? when's he going to make his move? he's got, like, four months left. [ light laughter ] is he going to wait for his last day to say, "as my final act i'd like to announce these wetlands as a national park, and also sharia law is our constitution now. bye." [ light laughter ] if you're a candidate for president, you shoul immediately reject this kind of bigotry, and if you can't, your
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next speech should sound like this. >> so now i am officially quitting. [ light laughter ] >> seth: this has been "a closer look." [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with the one and only bill hader, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ (vo) maybe it was here, when you hit 300,000 miles. or here, when you walked away without a scratch. maybe it was the day your baby came home. or maybe the day you realized your baby was not a baby anymore. every subaru is built to earn your trust. because we know what you're trusting us with. subaru. kelley blue book's most trusted brand. and best overall brand. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ applause ] also back with us tonight sitting in, he's an incredible progressive rock drummer, matt garstka is here. [ cheers and applause ] matt's band animals as leaders has a new album "the madness of many" coming out november 11th. so be sure to check that out. thank you so much for being here matt. >> thank you. thank you for having me. [ applause ] >> seth: our first guest tonight is a very funny actor, writer, and director who you know from his work on "saturday night live" and the films "trainwreck" and "inside out." you can see him alongside fred armisen in the second season of the emmy-nominated series "documentary now" which premieres wednesday night at 10:00 pm on ifc. let's take a look. >> hey, listen to this. "modest though he is, ben herndon yesterday handed his campaign over to a rogue's gallery of political gurus, including teddy redbones, the so-called 'mississippi machiavelli,' and
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alvin panagulius, the boy hunk --" wow -- "of the beltway." you think i'm a cute hunk? i feel like i'm shy. >> no, they always write the same stuff about me. old mississippi machiavelli or some succubus or -- what's the other one? suspected arsonist. >> uh-huh. [ light laughter ] yeah. >> but you know what they always leave out? undefeated. that's right. undefeated. >> seth: please welcome back to the show our very good friend, bill hader, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hey. i'm so happy you're here. >> thanks, man. what a nice group of people. thank you. >> seth: i'm so excited that we did another season of the show. >> yes. >> seth: and that clip we showed
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is from "the bunker," which is an episode that plays off "the war room," which is a documentary about the 1992 presidential campaign, and you are basically playing one of your great impressions at "snl," james carville. >> yes, james carville, yeah, that's one of them. in this season his name is teddy redbones so he's a little crazier. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah, which -- somehow he's crazier. >> seth: well because it's "documentary now," it's a little -- the details are less crazy than "update." >> yeah. >> seth: because james carville on update -- here you are as carville, and you really look like him when they bald capped you. [ laughter ] but john mulaney and rob kleine, who wrote that, created a crazy back story for that james carville. >> yeah, that he was raised by eels. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: and i remember one episode -- [ laughter ] you once asked if you could have a second to say "hi" to you mom. >> yeah, yeah, i was like, "seth, seth, if i could just say hello to my momma real quick. well, i look at this camera right here." >> seth: yeah, there. >> okay. mother -- [ laughter ]
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>> seth: and that --you had -- that was not -- >> simmer down. >> seth: not an impression that you brought to the show. you had to learn that. >> i know, yeah. it was -- there was a time we did "snl" at primetime. >> seth: yeah. during the elections. >> yeah, that was awful. that was so nerve wracking. and that morning something happened in the news and steve higgins called me up and said, "hey you've got to learn -- do you know james carville? do you know how to do it?" and i go, "no." and he goes, "you've got to learn it because you're going to do it in like four hours." so i sat and watched james carville in my, you know, dressing room. i'm freaking out and then i went out and did it, yeah, the first time i did it. that was it. yeah. i remember i had a line where i said, "republicans --" what was it -- standing next to -- what was it? republicans moderates and the tea party. and i said "that's like a midget standing next to a smart car." [ laughter ] i go, "you ain't tall midget, you just clever." [ laughter ] >> seth: you -- yeah, give it up for carville. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> oh man, that's rob klen and john mulaney wrote that. >> seth: you had obviously a great gift for impressions, but then it became a burden, because any time there was late-breaking news and somebody was in the news you had to immediately learn -- >> yeah. >> seth: you had to learn people who had scandals right away. >> i know, everybody who had scandals were tall and lanky and goofy looking. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] michael richards you had to learn immediately. >> michael richards -- that morning. it was the day of the show, and they were like, "you have to learn michael richards." and then eliot spitzer. >> seth: yeah. >> right, eliot spitzer when he was leaving. everybody goes "hey oh, dude, i remember that." [ laughter ] it was eliot spitzer, and i remember watching him do his speech where he was resigning and you standing next to me and you're like, "you get to do your first cold open." >> seth: yeah. >> i was like, "oh, no." >> seth: poor samberg. nobody ever looked like him. >> no one was ever just like a goofy-looking -- yeah. >> seth: yeah, there was never a --. >> there was no shporgiborg didn't -- [ light laughter ] no swedish chef. >> seth: governor glorbididork. [ laughter ] >> oh god, i don't know what's
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happening. >> seth: hey andy, i think you're going to play that guy. >> "why me? [ laughter ] why do you think i'd be good at governor shporgiborgiforg?" that's how andy samberg is in real life. >> seth: in real life. >> on camera it's like, "wow, that guy is kind of, like, suave." and then you cut and he's like "heeey! [ laughter ] where are my gumdrops?" [ light laughter ] >> seth: for real though, samberg was -- like late at night at "snl" he would be the guy who would just crack your door open and just like put his -- and be like, "what are you writing? [ laughter ] do you want to go get a coffee with me?" [ light laughter ] >> that really just made my stomach hurt. i remember that. i have nightmares like -- "hey, what are you doing? [ light laughter ] bill, what are you and your wife doing?" [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, no, he did it at your house. that's not good. >> yeah, he was at my house all the time. >> seth: this is one of the reasons i think we love doing this show, is it gets to be you and me and fred working together again. >> yeah. >> seth: you and fred as
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performers i think immediately had a real chemistry on the show that i think was best illustrated in sketches like "the californians" where you stopped actually saying real words. >> yeah, californians, that sketch came from a bit that fred and i would do. so we would come back, you know, we would come back -- usually when you're on "snl" and you have a week off everybody would go to l.a or whatever you would come back and we'd have our table read, and you know how lorne michaels is always right on time when we're doing table reads. >> seth: yeah. lorne is never there. >> that's me being facetious. i'm being a jerk. [ light laughter ] we would just be sitting there waiting for like ten minutes for lorne. and so we would start this bit where we'd go "hey, man, did you go to l.a.? yeah, how did you get back to your hotel?" and then we'd go, "well, dude, i would go down sunset then i would take a left on la cienega and i'd take that all the way down to pico, take a right take pico, hop on the 10. hop on the 10 west. take that all the way down to the beach and head up to pch." [ laughter ] and we would do these things for hours and then like -- like, we did that for years.
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kenan thompson was in on it andy would get in on it, and we would all just do these california voice, and then one day before a table read, fred came up to me and was like "hey james anderson and i took that bit we did, and we made it a soap opera." [ laughter ] and i went, "all right." at "snl" that doesn't seem weird at some point. >> seth: yeah. >> you're like, "great, great. makes total sense." [ light laughter ] and the first time we did it, fred during rehearsal and everything, he would -- his first line was, "hey, what are you guys doing here?" that's how he said it. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> that's how he said it. on the first time on air, he came out and kristen wiig and i say our lines and he goes "hey, wwwhaaat are you doing here?" like that. [ laughter ] and kristen and i were like -- [ laughter ] kristen -- it cut to him and kristen, like -- this is all i see, is the back of kristen's head and then she turned and looked at me like -- [ laughter ] and then looked back and i was gone. >> seth: yeah. >> if you've seen the tape i'm laughing through the -- well, i laugh through every freaking sketch, so.
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>> seth: i was just -- you mentioned lorne always was 10 minutes, 20 minutes late to the table read. do you think there's a chance he was back in his office just trying to psych himself up? [ laughter ] do you think -- do you think he's really shy and was back there -- >> looking at himself in the mirror like. "you can to this. [ laughter ] you've been doing this for 40 years, lorne." oh my god. i used lorne's impression on television. oh no! [ laughter ] he's up in his office right now. he works in this building! what am i doing? >> seth: oh, he's not watching. >> oh good. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] [ applause ] so just don't do it on "fallon" and you're good. >> "oh, it's so crazy. oh, no it's so crazy. you just did lorne. oh no way man, it's so crazy." [ laughter ] >> seth: so this show -- one of the really exciting things tonight is one of the episodes is about a band called testpattern. >> oh testpattern. >> seth: testpattern, great band. and they got back together for a "documentary now" episode. >> yeah, they did.
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>> seth: and we were trying to get -- we tried to get some fans to show up, and we hoped to get like 80 people by mentioning it on social media and you guys did the concert for what, like 1,000 people? >> yeah. 1,000 people. >> seth: that's fantastic. >> they all showed up. they were all fans of -- and they were so bummed that it was like me and fred. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> they were like, w"here's testpattern?" [ laughter ] no, but no, it was awesome. it was great. it was such a blast. >> seth: this show is such a blast, and i know you also do a ton of voice over stuff. cartoons, a lot of cartoons. >> yes. >> seth: you have three daughters. >> i have three daughters. >> seth: you have done a lot of friendly kid stuff -- "inside out" "finding dory." >> yeah. >> seth: do they watch stuff like that? >> they do watch stuff like that. >> seth: are they excited to hear your voice? >> no. [ laughter ] no, i'm a big bummer. yeah, no, they were, like, watching "angry birds," and then i'm the bad guy in it. >> seth: oh no. >> and they're like, "aw," and now i'm a pig. like, "dad's the pig in 'angry birds.'" [ laughter ] and then i had a funny thing. my daughter, hannah, my
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7-year-old, she lost her tooth. her first tooth, and the tooth fairy came, in case any kids are watching. [ light laughter ] everybody. tooth fairy came. and then the next day we were taking a video, "hey, hannah the tooth fairy came, oh my gosh." and our 4-year-old -- i pan down to her and i go "hey, harper, your sister -- the tooth fairy came." and she goes "someone was in our house?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] i go, "the tooth fairy was in our house." she's like, "someone was in our -- someone was in my room? [ light laughter ] while i was sleeping?" like, "and you guys are cool with this? i have the worst parents in the world, and they're like putting stuff under my sister's pillow. what is wrong with the two of you?" [ light laughter ] >> seth: i'm excited about this. you were very kind to let me watch the pilot, which is
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fantastic. you are starring, wrote, and directed a pilot for hbo called "barry." >> yeah. >> seth: which we're going to see next year. >> yeah, next year, yeah. >> seth: and you play a hit man. >> i play an ex-marine who's a hit man in the midwest and then -- are they laughing at ex-marine? [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> is that what they're laughing? they're like, "well it has to be a dy show. [ laughter ] this guy is an ex-marine." believe me, my wife laughed so hard. i was like "so, i play an ex-marine." i had to work out for it and i said "oh i have to work out, you know." and i go "i hope i don't get too big." you know, and my wife went, "i don't think you have to worry. [ laughter ] i think you're okay." but, so no, i play an ex-marine who works as a hit man, and he goes to l.a. to kill a guy and he follows him to his acting class that is run by henry winkler. >> seth: who is fantastic. >> who is fantastic and he decides he wants to take the class. >> seth: yeah. >> and it causes a lot of problems in his life. >> seth: it's fantastic. >> good.
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>> seth: i can't wait for people to see it. >> thank you. >> seth: because it is a thing i've never seen you do before -- >> oh, thank you so much. >> seth: and you're absolutely wonderful at it, and i'm very excited for people to see season two of "documentary now." and i'm very excited for people to see testpattern tonight. >> testpattern, tonight. >> seth: have not done a show, i think in, like, 30 years. >> yeah, ever. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, bill hader everybod! season two of "documentary now" premieres wednesday night at 10:30 on ifc. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody! so, i am married now. i have a kid. but i have to be honest. nothing makes me feel older than when i don't know the new slang terms that teenagers are using. and, it seems like these days, teen slang terms are evolving so fast, that it's impossible to keep up. so, we here, as a public service to you, decided to give you a little primer in a segment we call, "seth explains teen slang." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: now, there are tons of teen slang terms, some you might have heard before, for example, "thirsty," which means desperate for romantic attention. "lit," that would be how you
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describe a really fun party. "basic," that means something lame or unoriginal. well, there are some new teen slang terms that are just starting to become popular. let's start with this one, "preseason football." [ laughter ] so, let's see what it means. "a three-hour make-out session that doesn't lead to any sex." [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence. "spent three hours in anna's car last night playing preseason football, and i didn't even get to put my starter in. still better than no football at all." [ laughter ] moving on, our next term is "bowl over minutes." it means, "the time it feels like you get back when you smoke weed, and everything slows down." [ laughter ] for example, "dude, i got totally blazed after dinner yesterday. watched, like, 14 hours of tv and still went to bed at 9:30. #bowloverminutes." [ laughter and applause ] next up, this is a good one. it's "rizzo." this teen slang term was inspired by stockard channing's character in the movie, "grease." here's the definition. "that person who keeps showing up to high school parties even though they're clearly too old
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to be there." [ laughter ] let's see it in a sentence. "what is that rizzo kevin doing at my party? his kid is in my gym class. [ laughter and applause ] #greaseistheword." [ laughter ] you also know if someone is a rizzo if they remember stockard channing's character in "grease." [ laughter ] our next new teen slang term is, "oh, snip." this is a new phrase teens are using. it means, "an explanation -- an exlamation indicating that a person is ready for a vasectomy." [ laughter ] for example, "when mitchell told me he and his girlfriend had their third baby over summer break i was like, 'oh, snip.'" [ laughter and applause ] next up, we've got "blouse arrest." let's see what it means. "when you can't get up from your desk because of a pretty girl's low cut top." [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. "mrs. arnold called on me to do a math problem on the board, but i didn't want to get up because heather's low cut v-neck had me under blouse arrest." [ laughter and applause ] "#stiffpenalty." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] moving on, our next term is "dave matthews."
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you guys know the recording artist. well, he is also a teen slang term. here's what it means. "a friend who you like a lot, but pretend that you don't know when other people are around." [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence. "i went to the movies with bowlegged brian, but when my classmates showed up a row and pretended i was there alone. #davematthews." [ applause ] all right, our last slang term is, "whoopsie praisey." here's what it means. "when you go home with someone only to figure out they're super religious." [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence. "i didn't think much of rihanna's cross necklace when we were talking at the bar, but after i went back to her place and saw the painting of jesus on her wall, i knew it was time for preseason football." [ laughter ] "#whoopsiepraisey." [ cheers and applause ] that was "seth explains teen slang." we'll be right back with the wonderful sarah jones. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our next guest is a tony award-winning playwright and performer. her new one-woman show, "sell/buy/date," starts previews on september 27th at new york city center. please welcome to the show the incredibly talented sarah jones. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> seth: hi! how are you? >> i am fabulous. how are you? >> seth: i'm great. i'm so happy to have you here. now, i know you're in previews for your new one-woman show. >> yes. >> seth: and for those that don't know your work, they might not know how many different characters you play. you play 19 characters in your show. >> right. so, i play people from, you name it, but a lot of them are from my real background. and, i have, like, you know, people in my family who -- [ new york accent ] "talk like this. you know, they're from long island and everything like that." and then, i have -- i have, actually one person that wanted to meet you. >> seth: oh, fantastic. [ voice of older woman ] >> hi, everybody. [ laughter ] i just couldn't resist. my name is lorraine. and, um, seth, i'm such a fan. >> seth: oh, thank you, lorraine. [ laughter ] >> isn't he wonderful? he's handsome and talented. he's married. but even so, nice to flirt -- [ laughter ] at 12:30 at night. >> seth: oh, thank you. >> anyway, so all of my -- [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: it's wonderful. now, this is a weird transition because lorraine is obviously a
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comic character. >> yes. >> seth: the show is a comedy, but the show is about sex trafficking, which people would not naturally think is a comic subject. what made you take on that subject with your comedic style? >> right. i mean, and the show, you know, it's about this topic. it's about people, but my goal was to write something fun. and, you know, i've gone to see a lot of theater that's about a serious topic, and you leave so depressed. it's, like, you know, i wanted people to be able to think about this topic, keep an open mind. usually, it helps if your mouth is open, laughing. >> seth: yup. >> and then, you're kind of, "oh you can think about these ideas that can be serious as well." >> seth: now, this is something you have been doing for a long time? >> yes. >> seth: different voices. and you went u.n.i.s., which is a school here in new york -- >> yeah. >> seth: for children of parents who worked at the u.n. >> right. >> seth: and is it true that you used to use this skill to help people get out of class? >> you're going to get me in trouble. so i -- [ light laughter ] >> seth: i think the statute of limitations on that has passed. >> it should be up, but if there are cops out there when i leave --e i'll tell you this, we used to be able to call down from the student lounge.
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this was before cell phones. and so i would help my friends. like, i'd pretend to be their parents, so kind of call the school nurse and say -- [ indian accent ] "you know, gita is very ill today. i'm so sorry. she's actually not supposed to be at school. we need to have her back at home." [ laughter ] and then we would all, like, go hang out at and like party. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: that is terrible. you -- your last show, which was tony award-winning, 12 characters in that show. >> yeah. >> seth: 19 in this. >> yeah. >> seth: do you -- i -- do you dream in your different character voices when you get into it like this? >> you know what's so crazy? i do, and i'll wake up like, "wait a minute. i'm not that chinese wo --" [ laughter ] like, i'll be in my dream, like -- [ chinese accent ] "i meant to tell people don't forget to think about chinese-american relations." and then, i wake up, and i'm like, "wait, that's completely not me. that's not. i was a diplomat from china." yeah. >> seth: yes. >> like, amazing things happen in my dreams now. >> seth: okay, so that's, uh -- that's weird. yeah. >> it's weird. [ laughter ]
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it's strange. >> seth: now, where do you get -- do you pull these characters from real people? >> 100%. >> seth: and are they people you know, or are they people you find? >> so, they're based on people from my real life, and some of them were, you know, around my thanksgiving table growing up. [ foreign accent ] "western young relatives have taught me -- why do i want turkey? it's bland. put hot sauce on that turkey." >> seth: okay, yeah. >> you know what i mean? and then, as i grew up, i would meet people from all different backgrounds, and, i mean, even -- it's true. like, i had chinese friends. i would meet their parents, and be like, "that's such an amazing accent." >> seth: it's fantastic that you went to a school for u.n. kids. >> right. >> seth: you got to be around everyone. >> yes, and it was really normal for me to see, like, other people's cultures as something i wanted to learn about, so. >> seth: and, is it true that you have seen people on subways, and then followed them? [ light laughter ] >> i'm not a stalker, yet. [ laughter ] but if somebody has a really amazing, you know, kind of energy and presence, like, i'll -- you know, there will be a couple of guys. [ deep voice ] "you know, it's new york. we still have, like, old-school, you know, new yorkers still around, a few of them.
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not everybody standing on line at magnolia. you know what i mean? for a cupcake. [ laughter and applause ] so, we still got some real new yorkers here." [ cheers and applause ] "yeah, it's true." >> seth: oh, yeah. >> am i right, or am i right? so yeah, you know if a guy is really interesting, i'll, like -- i've actually missed my subway stop because somebody is so interesting. >> seth: and have you just observed, or do you engage? >> it depends. if they seem -- if it seems safe -- >> seth: yeah. >> which is iffy in new york, but i'll go up and be like, "hi. i'm working on something. would you be interested in talking to me?" >> seth: oh, you are really honest about it. that's great. >> i -- well, sometimes i flirt and pretend it's -- >> seth: a different thing. >> a different thing. >> seth: okay, great. >> but, you know, it's for the work. >> seth: yeah. >> you do what you got to do. >> seth: and have -- has there ever a situation in your life where you have completely tricked people into thinking that you have a different voice? >> you're getting me into some much trouble right now. so, i actually kept a job as not me for months here in new york. [ light laughter ] so, there was a time when you could work at a restaurant as the, you know, hostess in the front, and i went to a place where they wanted to hire
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english women specifically. >> seth: okay. [ british accent ] >> so i went back, and i was like, "oh, i understand that you're hiring. i'd actually love to work here. is it possible that i could speak someone, like a manager or something like that?" and then, i kept the job like that. but, here's the insane thing. i managed to remember it. my mum would ring, and i would be like -- [ american accent ] "mom i'll at work. i can't." you know. [ laughter ] and then i'd come back -- [ british accent ] "oh, yes, sorry. did you need something?" and i'd talk to other english people, pretending like, "oh, where did you go to school?" "oh, different places, you know, here and there." [ laughter ] and then, at the end -- 'cause i didn't know. i was, like, making it up. i'm like, "oh, quidditch was our main sport." you know. [ laughter and applause ] [ normal voice ] but the crazy thing is, a few after that job ended, i bumped into a guy i worked with at my gym, and i was, "hey, ben! how have you been? oh, my god!" and he was like, "sarah, what happened to your accent?" [ laughter ] i was like -- [ british accent ] "oh, it comes and goes." [ laughter ] >> seth: well, i'm so excited for your new show, and congratulations, and thank so much you for being here. it's just wonderful to have you. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you so much! >> seth: sarah jones, everybody! "sell/buy/date" starts previews
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at new york city center on september 27th. we'll be right back with music from testpattern, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ the microsoft cloud helps us stay connected. the microsoft cloud offers infinite scalability. the microsoft cloud helps our customers get up and running, anywhere in the planet. wherever there's a phone, you've got a bank, and we could never do that before. the cloud gave us a single platform to reach across our entire organization. it helps us communicate better. we use the microsoft cloud's advanced analytics tools to track down cybercriminals. this cloud helps transform business. this is the microsoft cloud. the bud light party is for everyone. men bar crowd:yeah! women bar crowd: woo! people of all genders! we don't care we'll sell you beer. we'll sell you a beer any day of the week. steel mill workers: yeah!
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: tonight's musical act is an iconic art rock band from connecticut via the lower east side. here to perform "art plus student equals poor" please welcome the legendary testpattern. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ got in to art school i'm going to paint what's in my mind ♪ ♪ i'm collecting little metal things that i find and sharing food with my friend ♪ ♪ art plus student equals poor art plus student equals fun ♪ ♪ ♪ every day we talk about colors i like to look at shapes ♪ ♪ somebody mentioned music music and sound sounds like wooooooow ♪ ♪ art plus student equals poor art plus student equals fun ♪ ♪ we can try to be serious sign my name over and over
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and over and over ♪ ♪ ♪ we're making things together and wearing dirty shirts ♪ ♪ collecting words funny little words hey hey hey aye aye aye aye aye woo ♪ ♪ woo oh wow wow oh wow ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: testpattern, everybody! season two of "documentary now" premieres wednesday september 14th on ifc. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to bill hader, sarah jones, testpattern, everybody. [ cheers ] matt garstka, and of course the 8g band. stay tuned for "carson daly." see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ ♪ >> carson: what's up everybody, this is 230 fifth i'm carson dald


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