tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC December 29, 2016 12:37am-1:38am PST
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- micheal moore from "america's next top model" musician/host rita ora, music from kacey musgraves, featuring the 8g band with abe cunningham. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is just great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. donald trump was named "time" magazine's 2016 person of the year this morning. while hillary clinton was named runner-up. and when she heard, hillary hiked so far into the woods, she's now living with bran stark.
[ light laughter ] donald trump is reportedly considering arriving at his inauguration by helicopter, and so is chris christie. [ light laughter ] take me with you! i can't go back to new jersey! former trump campaign manager cory lewandowski said today that donald trump's presidency will make it okay for people to say "merry christmas" again. cory, we've always been allowed to say merry christmas, it's just no one says it to you. [ light laughter ] a skin care company has launched a new cream designed to combat neck wrinkles. i'm sorry, neck wrinkles. [ light laughter ] when i say neck, my neck seizes up. it is like oh, my neck is ringing. [ light laughter ]
keep talking, all right, here we go. a skin care company has launched a new cream designed to combat neck wrinkles formed by looking down at phones and laptops. no words on how to combat the neck wrinkles formed by looking down on immigrants. [ audience oohs ] [ cheers and applause ] took a while. took a while. we got there. we got there. a long walk. [ light laughter ] facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news, and just after the nick of time. [ light laughter ] abc's "the bachelor" has launched its own collection of wines. 25 different types, but they're pretty much indistinguishable from each other. [ light laughter ] white. white. [ light laughter ]
and finally, a company is developed a new bed spread that can make itself every morning. how it works is you live with your mom. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, you're here on an excellent night. he is one of our favorites, academy award winning filmmaker michael moore will be here. [ cheers and applause ] and we're going to talk about the election and how it completely matched up with his predictions for it. also from vh1, the host of the new season of "america's next top model," and an incredible musician, rita ora is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from the wonderful kasey musgraves. so, you're here -- on a very good night. before we get to all that, since the election of donald trump and the ascension of his right-hand man, steve bannon, there have been fears about the rise of white supremacy. yet the media seems to be bending over backward to normalize the so-called "alt right" movement. take this recent headline from cnn.com. "hipster or hate monger, the
trendy young face of austria's far right." this brings us to a segment we call "hey!" ♪ [ applause ] hey, media, what are you doing? how do you confuse hipsters with nazis? nazis like to invade other people's territory and turn it into a utopia for the white race, whereas hispters, okay, okay. [ light laughter ] now i see the confusion. but still. still. check out this article from the "la times." "white nationalist come to washington in hope of influencing trump." hey, just a tip, news media, if you're trying to warn us about the dangers of white supremacists, maybe don't use their tinder pic. [ light laughter ] "i enjoy tennis, backgammon and forced walks on the beach." and hey! alt right is the name they picked for themselves. you don't have to use it. if zombies wanted to be called "post-life brain foodies," we'd still call them zombies. if it looks like a duck, and
talks like a duck, and steps like a goose, it's a nazi. [ light laughter ] and hey. this is america. [ applause ] right here. this is america. and if we've ever done anything we could all be proud of, it was defeating the nazis. although dubious articles, like this one from "the atlantic" do not help. "are jews white?" i don't know, do they subscribe to "the atlantic"? [ light laughter ] also, i think you're missing the bigger point. which is that somebody wants to know, for some reason -- it's not an innocent question. nobody says, "are jews white?" and then follows it up with, "well, either way, i just love 'em." [ light laughter ] get your [ bleep ] together, media. calling nazis and white supremacists the "alt right" is like calling o.j. simpons a "cutlery enthusiat." [ light laughter ] this has been "hey!" ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with
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also back on the drums with us tonight, he's a founding member of the ground-breaking and grammy award-winning california based band, deftones, whose latest album "gore" is out now. say hello to abe cunningham, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for being here, abe. >> thank you guys. >> seth: our first guest tonight is the academy award-winning filmmaker of documentaries like "roger and me," "bowling for columbine," and "fahrenheit 9/11," please welcome back to the show our friend michael moore. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> seth: always so nice to see you. >> good to see you. >> seth: so here we are. i want to start with last time you were here was august. and you had just written an article titled "five reasons donald trump will win." and it was at a time where he was down in the polls and people thought you were crazy.
and is this a case where you are bummed out at how right you were? >> yes, i never wanted to be more wrong. >> seth: yeah. >> and i remember when i actually -- when i said this on the show, the audience like moaned, like no. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, well because it didn't seem possible. >> seth: it didn't seem possible. >> she was ahead in the polls. she was winning the debates. it was a great convention. >> seth: yeah, and -- >> and he's crazy. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> so all important. >> seth: but yet -- and it wasn't just that you predicted it, you sort of called the reason why it might happen. and you named four states, michigan, ohio, pennsylvania, wisconsin, that you thought he had a strength in. and that is exactly how it played out. >> yeah. >> seth: do -- >> yes, i caught -- yes picked -- i picked the four. and ever since then people have been asking me for help with their lotto numbers. >> seth: although it's interesting because, it's like you hit the lotto, but instead of winning $6 million, you got kicked in the nuts. [ laughter ] >> it's like the negative lotto. >> seth: you won the negative lotto. so my question is do you think now looking forward to four years down the line.
do you think the democrats are taking enough stock of what they got wrong? or do you think they're sort of playing the blame game too much and maybe missing the message of what happened in this election? >> well here's the democrats' biggest problem, and this includes people who voted for hillary. they don't act like they won. they won. she's 2.7 million votes ahead of trump tonight. >> seth: yeah. >> almost three million, almost as many votes as obama got in 2012. >> seth: right. >> all right? so the democrats, this is the second time this has happened in 16 years, it happened with gore, where they win the popular vote but lose the white house. this would be like the giants beating the patriots 21-19 and then the sportscasters going, "well it's too bad the giants lost that game." >> seth: yeah. >> it's like, no. we have to get rid of this electoral college. this is the biggest -- >> seth: but is that going to happen? >> yes. it's going to happen. >> seth: how? >> i will lead the charge. [ applause ] >> seth: but i mean --
>> the american public is not -- and i would be saying the same thing if trump was ahead by 2.7 million votes. >> seth: right. >> i would accept the fact that my fellow americans wanted him as president of the united states. i wouldn't like it. i would accept it. the fact is the majority of my fellow americans did not want him. and if you add in the votes for jill stein and guy who didn't know where aleppo was. >> seth: right. [ laughter ] >> if you add that in, that's 54% of the voters didn't want donald trump. only 46% did. so he is going to not have a mandate. the majority of our fellow americans do not want him in the white house. but because of an arcane law from the 1700s that was set up to placate the slave states. >> seth: yeah. >> so they would join the union, so they gave them a little more power, because they had a lesser population, so in the irony of a man who said so many things that were racist during the campaign. that he would benefit from a law from the 1700s to placate the slave states, is just the irony of it is unbearable. and -- but the other thing the
founding fathers thought about this, and this was hamilton's, one of his genius ideas. was that maybe there should be a spot gap, just in case, you know, a madman, somebody thought he was going to be king gets elected. there's that one final door he's got to go through. so right now and if you don't mind, i made that prediction in the summer. >> seth: yeah, you came and you called it. >> so i'd like to make another tonight. >> seth: great, we're excited. >> get your moan on, audience. [ laughter ] >> seth: they practice. yeah. >> he is not president of the united states yet. >> seth: yeah. >> he's not president, right? [ applause ] he is not president until noon on january 20th of 2017. that is, that is, what are we, this is wednesday night? >> seth: yeah. >> so that's more than six weeks away.
we do not agree, regardless what side of the political fence you're on. this has been the craziest election year. >> seth: it certainly has. >> nothing anyone has predicted has happened. >> seth: yeah. >> every -- it's the opposite has happened. >> seth: yes. >> so is it possible, just possible, that in these next six weeks something else might happen. >> seth: yeah. >> something crazy. something we're not expecting. >> seth: do you think it's possible that he now realizes this job is way more work than he wanted it to be? >> oh, he is so bummed out. >> seth: i think he's bummed out too. [ laughter ] i think he's bummed out too. >> he's really -- [ applause ] >> seth: i -- he's like a guy -- the fact that he's doing the rallies, it's like he got married and now once a week says to his wife, "i'm going to go hit the bars with the fellows." >> no it's -- he wants a bachelor party every night -- >> seth: yeah. >> after the wedding. he's definitely going out and doing -- you know and friday he'll be in grand rapids, michigan, for the next bachelor. >> seth: yeah. >> it's -- no, he really -- because now he's been told there's all this work to do. you have to live in washington,
d.c. in a majority black city. >> seth: yes. i think it's a majority. it's just such a small house for him. >> it's a 200-year-old fixer upper! >> seth: it really is. [ laughter ] >> it's like -- it's like -- i'm sure when he walks in there and goes, "where's the penthouse?" it's like ivanka says, "dad you know, there is a second floor." "that's not a penthouse." my bet -- seriously, i bet he's in there two hours if he does get in. >> seth: yeah. >> if. >> seth: well, i -- isn't it -- okay so for with all -- it's -- you know, we can talk and speculate, what if the electoral voters decide not to vote? don't you think this country would be in a terrifying place right now? >> we're already in a terrifying place. >> seth: i know. i know, but like if the people who voted for him no matter what, even though they're in the minority as far as total number of votes. wouldn't you be afraid of their outrage if anything happened that would take him away from this office? >> well first of all, he may
decide that he wants to quit. >> seth: right. >> you know, before he even takes office. i mean, everyone is gonna know that's not possible. everybody in this audience at some point in their life, on the first day of the job knew they had taken the wrong job. >> seth: right. >> right? >> seth: yeah, that's true. >> and -- [ applause ] and many people, many people have quit a job in that first week, first month, first six months. right? >> seth: yeah. >> this is -- it is possible where he just goes, "oh this is too much, i don't want this." >> seth: well he would never say it is too much. >> "let pence run the county." >> seth: he would say it would be something else. he would blame it on us. >> blame it on us. >> seth: it would be our fault. >> well because he's such a narcissist, it would have to somehow be about him. >> seth: i can't see him saying, "guys i'm in over my head." i can't see that. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. i'm giving him too much credit. i have to come talk to you and come back to reality. it's really, i just -- yes. anything can happen. the electoral college, i mean the first electorate announced in the times yesterday that -- a republican from texas, he is not gonna vote for trump, even though he was supposed to.
we only need, like, i don't know, 32 more to say the same thing. >> seth: you're gonna end up with one. that's the final number. >> so you say that because that normal. you're normal thinking -- only one. all right. don't have me back on next week after we've got five more. >> seth: that's true. >> so -- >> seth: well that's true. well maybe this is, i'm trying to because i was so wrong last time, i'm trying to say that, have that same thing again. let's come back, but i want to come back and i do want to talk, because i think you would agree. there was a core brilliance to the way he ran his campaign. and i think we should come back and talk about that. >> evil brilliance yes. >> seth: we'll be right back with more michael moore after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i love it. this piece is so you. i know, right? i saw it and i was just like "oh, i have to have it..." is it suede? it's suede. i love suede. state farm knows that every one those moments, there's one of these... well? i love it. this piece is so you. i know, right? i saw it and i was just like "i have to have it..."
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that you would think would show a losing campaigns, did not do well in the debates, kind of had a convention that was a bit of a mess, seemed more focused on selling hats then actually having commercials and yet that all worked. >> yep but see they laughed at that -- so many hats. but the truth is that out beyond the hudson river, between the hudson river and interstate 5. >> seth: yeah in los angeles. >> yes, that's where -- i mean i will be on the wall where the white walkers are or the walking dead depending if you can only afford basic cable. [ light laughter ] this is where the majority of the people vote and actually people wear ball caps. that's just a natural thing, trump somehow knew that. >> seth: yeah. >> it wasn't a joke to him. he knew to go out there in that ball cap. because if you live in michigan or whatever, we wear -- i mean i don't have it on tonight, i crossed over into the bubble here. >> seth: yeah exactly. thank you, yeah. >> out of respect you know.
but generally you go out of the house, you wouldn't leave the house without brushing your teeth in the morning in the midwest, the same way you wouldn't leave without the ball cap. >> seth: and so it was something that you know because again he is a man who lives in a basically a gold mansion, and yet he put on the ball cap, and it did mean something to people. there was something that he -- was universal about it. >> it was a visual. he was a star on this network. this network that helped to make him. >> seth: yeah, nbc. [ light laughter ] but you were a fan -- >> which has given us some of the best talent ever. david letterman. seinfeld. >> seth: yeah and now a president. so we finally did it, yeah. cause letterman, seinfeld never made it to the highest office. >> let me tell you something. can i just -- on a serious note. something i'm very nervous and somewhat scared about. >> seth: sure. >> and i say this, i'm not -- there's no partisanship involved in this. it's that we suffered through 9/11 and we've suffered other terrorist attacks over the years. something that we're all concerned about and we kind of know in the back of our heads that probably will happen again,
and god forbid, hope it doesn't, but we know the possibility exists. when i heard today that donald trump has only been to three of the daily national security briefings that has been offered to him every day since he was elected, that he has only taken the time to read, if you go back to august, 2001, there's a famous photo of george w. bush on vacation in crawford, texas, being handed a document. there's a photograph of this. and it says bin laden to attack u.s. in the document it says may use plane. that's on august 6, 2001, a month before the attack. and he went fishing that day and he didn't pay attention, he didn't read it. he wasn't, you know, he just wasn't engaged. you kind of wish you had his version of nonengagement because this president-elect doesn't seem engaged at all. he is more engaged with tweeting about alec baldwin on "snl."
>> seth: yeah. >> five hours after the show finishes at 1:00 am. by 6:00 a.m., he's not funny, not funny, sad. you know, not watchable. and it's like you've got time for that. you haven't taken one of the national security briefings? you've taken only three of them in this first month? >> seth: yeah. >> i mean my friends, if something happens, you know, a donald trump president, in his presidency, he is going to react in a way, talk about taking away people's rights, talking about clamping down in an authoritarian way, in the way that he likes to think about. and nobody is going to be able to discuss then where the hell were you in the two and a half months leading up to taking office, and you didn't bother to attend the most important job. i just say this to him. i got to believe he's watching. >> yeah, when somebody says his name, the tv turns on. [ laughter ] >> well i tweeted -- i tweeted out. [ applause ]
i tweeted to him earlier. so i know he's watching. he's got to get up in about 3 and half hours and start tweeting again. so seriously with all due respect, mr. president elect. on our behalf, you have to pay attention. you have to attend these briefings. this is our country. this is our security. this is our safety. you're horsing around with all this nonsense and you're not doing your number one job, and the number one job of the president is to make sure that the country is safe. and i beg you seriously, please, there's no right or left, republican, democrat going on here. i'm asking you to do your job for the sake of the people who may end up dead because you didn't do your job. we had this happen once before. we had this not engaged president who wasn't reading his briefs. you don't even attend the briefs. so i'm begging you to do that.
i'm begging you to get up in the morning, send out your tweet to whoever, criticize him, not me, and then god please attend the briefing. attend the briefing. [ applause ] >> seth: i hope he does. are you -- hopeful because i think it is important for all of us to find a place of hopefulness here that, you know, this will become more real to him and that this will start to settle. is that a thing you have a hope for? >> no. i think he -- listen, it's our gender, and there's something about, all due respect to 7-year-old men. they're in the same chair every night watching the same shows. there is a sameness to us. >> seth: oh yes, so you're saying this to ask for some sort
of evolution now is maybe a mistake. >> yes. i would say that also of most democrats who are guys. >> seth: sure of course. >> it's just -- it is just, no, he's not going to change. what you see is what you get. this is what is terrifying. this is what we should all be concerned about. this is what the electoral college should be thinking about. they should be thinking about our safety. they should be thinking about -- they have the right, they have the constitutional right to stop the madness before it happens. that vote is on december 19th. they have to do this. [ applause ] >> seth: i'm just thinking, this is the same look i gave you in august. >> it's the same look you gave me when i said trump was going to win. and i'm just saying as a person who loves this country and as a person who respects donald trump as a fellow american. >> seth: as do i. >> we're all in the same boat and we are going to sink or swim together and i'd rather not sink. and i can't have captain crunch commanding the boat.
>> seth: sure. >> somebody who is just like woo hoo, you know, not funny mike. not funny you know. it's like i used to say the guy has the maturity level of 12 years old, and now i want to apologize to any 12-year-old who is still up listening and watching this. no, you're wonderful. i know 12-year-olds that can speak a foreign language. >> seth: there you go. well i look forward to having you back in a few months, so we can talk about you being right again on one of your wonderful predictions and it's always a pleasure to have you. michael moore everybody. >> thank you. >> seth: we'll be right back with rita ora. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ the itsy bitsy spider went up the waterspout. down came the rain and clogged the gutter system creating a leak in the roof. luckily the spider recently had geico help him
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a talented singer, and the new host of "america's next top model." the new season premieres monday, december 12th on vh1. please welcome back to the show, our friend rita ora. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are you? it's so great to see you.
>> it's so good to see you again too. hi, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so this is very exciting. the last version, the original version of "america's next top model" with tyra banks. >> i mean 23 seasons. >> seth: 23 seasons. i had no idea. >> yeah. >> seth: so that comes to a close, and now it is being revived with you. >> and now it is my turn. >> seth: it's your turn. you're the new host. and how do you make it different? is that something you try to do to make it different? >> well first of all obviously the original is fantastic and i've been just such a fan. and kind of growing up in my generation, that was the first time i really saw a tv show that was reality/fashion/just drama, you know what i mean? and so i was addicted to it. and then when i actually got asked to do it i thought well there's no way in hell i can fill her shoes up. what else are we going to do. and then i thought maybe it can just generate into kind of what i do in my daily life which is enjoy fashion, be creative, make music and kind of just do what i do. so that's what we turned this show into. 2016 antm we like to call it.
>> seth: alright fantastic and now she has some catch phrases. >> i know. >> seth: smeyes, which was smile with your eyes. oh so this is smiling with your eyes. >> i want you to give me your smeyes. >> seth: okay, here's my smeyes, ready? >> okay, go on then. >> seth: i'm gonna start down and then come up. [ laughter ] >> seth, you're meant to smile in that. >> seth: wait, but am i supposed to smile -- can my mouth smile too? >> well if you feel it. you know it has to come from within. >> seth: okay. >> okay go. [ laughter ] the winner ladies and gentlemen. [ applause ] we have some catch phrases but -- >> seth: what are your catch phrases? are there words you use a lot that you didn't realize you used a lot? >> yes. you know i've never sad boss so many times while filming this show. >> seth: boss. >> cause that's what we want. we want to find a boss. we want to find a lady that really is just a living form of being a superstar. i have never seen technology take over our generation, me being 26 and younger so much. my brother who is 18 is like so
addicted to kind of anything computerized. >> seth: right. >> and so i look at, you know, the models of today, and you know, they're really pushed by the following, and how many followers they have and this and that. and we're trying to find somebody who has the 360. a little bit like what i do. i just like to have fun and entertain people, and sing, dance, make clothes and all that jazz. >> seth: it's so great to be with someone who is a 360. cause i am like a 45. [ light laughter ] i do a very -- i do a very this slice of the circle. >> i feel like you're more of a 90. >> seth: maybe a 90. >> a hard nice like angle. >> seth: a hard 90. i've never been into the 100s. so -- but is it you talk about social media and modeling, because it seems like probably more than ever the model is responsible to some degree of generating their own following. >> for sure. i mean that's what the power of the internet. i feel like we're kind of really lucky, but also are we lucky at the same time. >> seth: right. >> you know because back in the day it was kind of gaining respect through photographs and word of mouth and this and that, and now it's a lot to do with the attention you get online and
how far you take that. smart thing is turning that into a brand and really making yourself you know stand out from the crazy world we live in. >> you've certainly done that, you certainly stand out. but you're not the only ora who is pulling this off. because your mother -- >> oh, no. >> seth: so your mother, explain what happened here. your mother started -- >> oh gosh, she's going to love that you're talking about her by the way. >> seth: she has an instagram account. first of all your mother is beautiful. >> thank you. >> seth: there she is right now. >> look at the faces that she makes, by the way. no, no, no! you guys, being a kid, she's like killing me on the instagram. >> seth: that's what i like, but she's just doing this on her own. >> no. here's the funny thing. so christmas coming up. she said to my dad, "i got you an early christmas present." i say, "wait what is it?" she went, "it's a camera for you to take pictures of me." [ laughter ] and i said, "what kind of present is that?" but you know, i guess it runs in the family, what can i say. >> seth: that's fantastic, please give her my love because i think she looks fantastic. i don't know if she's smeyesing in any of these but -- >> she's doing a lot more than just smeyesing. >> seth: so you worked with incredible people over your
career. >> for sure thank you. >> seth: you used to open for coldplay. >> i did. i did. that was my first ever tour. i went straight from doing 100 people gigs to kind of opening up to stadiums. >> seth: that's incredible. >> really scary. yeah. >> seth: and but i would imagine made it a little less scary. my experience with that band, with chris martin, they are the most down to earth people. >> aren't they? >> seth: they're so polite and genuinely sweet. >> and i don't think you realize how big they actually are. >> seth: yeah. >> you know. no, no, no. it is crazy. because i've never really met any individuals so humble. i mean i've been on tour with them -- i was on tour for a year. and funny cause we were walking into catering as you do every day, you know eating and what you do at catering, eat. and you know -- >> seth: you are 360. >> this story is really funny. >> seth: you eat, too. oh my god, wow. >> i'm allowed to eat. [ laughter ] honestly, it is like we walked into catering and you know chris is there, and you know he mingles with everybody as the whole band does.
and you know, you show your pass to security. you know, i think this -- i remember this. i was like 19 years old, and he stopped chris, i said, "what's going on? and he went, "pass please" to chris. and i looked and i thought "what is happening." he said, "i don't have my pass." and then the security guard said "you can't get in." and i thought but it's his stadium tour. but he didn't even say do you know who i am. he just said well she has a pass. can i get in with her. and i thought this is the sweetest thing. i mean that's only one example how humble he is. >> seth: you on the other -- an also genuinely sweet person is snoop dogg. >> oh i know. >> seth: for real. >> i guess there's a lot of things to make him sweet i think. >> seth: that's true, that's true, you know he never seems stressed out. i don't know what it is. >> i wonder why. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, he just seems so laid back. but you -- did you shoot a video with him on an island? >> yes. we did a song called "torn apart" for his album, and we
went to thailand to shoot a video. surprisingly not very calm surroundings. >> seth: yeah, exactly sure. >> and the boat that we went on the island on slowly kind of started drifting away, and there's me acknowledging it. and obviously snoop doesn't really know what's going on, where the boat is. and i was like hey don't we need that boat to get off the island? and he just went, "everything's great rita, you know everything's great." and i was like, "how are we going to get off this island?" and it took a long time to find a boat to get back. whole time, snoop's face is exactly like yours, smiling ear to ear. i think that's why we love him. >> seth: well i guess end of the day, he was right, you got home. so we should all live a little more like snoop and not live in our fears. rita ora everybody, "america's next top model" premieres december 12th on vh1. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i had that dream again --
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back, everybody. you know, people often ask me how we come up with the jokes for the monologue every night. and i'm always happy to tell them because i am very proud of the process we use here at "late night." on other shows, the way it works is the writers will read the news and then write jokes that correspond to those news stories. but our writers use a process where they come up with their punch lines without reading the news at all. [ laughter ] and then they write those punch lines down on a little piece of scrap paper and they throw them into something that we call -- here it is, the joke bucket. now -- then what happens is when something goes down in the news, i read through these punch lines and i find the right one to go with that news story. we showed our audience this process on the show few times and it's a lot of fun. so, it's time to write some new jokes. so, i've got my news cards here and let's just start with a story. okay, here we go. here's a story from the news. nathan's famous hot dogs celebrated its 100th birthday this year. okay, so now we find ourselves a punch line. here we go. uh, said one samsung official, this explains why our stock is blowing up.
[ light laughter ] okay, good punch line, but not right for this set up, okay. here we go. remember, if you can't say anything nice, you're rudy giuliani. [ light laughter ] again, doesn't quite fit. and here we go. nathan's famous hot dogs celebrated its 100th birthday this year, which is quite an achievement since their customers rarely make it to 50. there we go. [ laughter ] that's a joke. [ applause ] so, of course, whenever i complete a joke, what do i do? i staple them together like this. i stamp it to give it my approval and then i ring the joke bell. and then i put it in the completed joke bucket right here. so, there you go. that's our system. now, a lot of people -- yeah, give it up. [ cheers and applause ] now, a lot of people ask me, "why do you write jokes this way?" would you rather i put the jokes in tupperware containers or a maxwell house coffee can? and they say no, just do it without any containers whatsoever. and at that point, i've already left the room.
[ laughter ] okay, we got another new -- another joke. let's do another joke. [ cheers and applause ] actress carrie fisher revealed in her new memoir that she and harrison ford had an affair while filming the original "star wars." okay, here we go. if i wanted two tiny balls and a stick, i'd call alex rodriguez. [ laughter ] no, not quite right. "now we're cooking with ass," said the cannibal. [ laughter ] no, not quite. git r done. okay, sorry about that. git r done, that actually goes in my other comedian's catch phrase bucket. [ laughter ] now, a lot of people wonder why i have an other comedian's catch phrase bucket, and to them i say, what's the deal with you always asking me that question? [ applause ] let's get back to the joke. actress carrie fisher revealed in her new memoir that she and harrison ford had an affair while filming the original "star wars." said yoda, "watched i did." [ laughter ]
boom, that's a joke. so, what do i do? we staple it, stamp it and ring the joke bell. then i tell the joke raven to spread the word. [ laughter ] to all the other talk show hosts that i've claimed this joke as my own. joke raven, fly. [ laughter ] fly away, joke raven. fly! [ laughter ] [ applause ] okay. [ laughter ] so, we put in the completed joke bucket. all right, this feels so much fun. you know what -- [ cheers and applause ] this is so much fun that i feel like a wild and crazy guy! [ laughter ] okay, let's do another joke.
a nearly million square foot gap clothing store went up in flames recently. okay, this should be good. replied the arizona beef jerky salesman, "but it's a dry meat." [ light laughter ] then dracula's doctor said, "now, turn your head and coffin." [ laughter ] the gay baristas met on coffee grindr. [ laughter ] oh, no. oh, no! oh, no! we're out of jokes. but this isn't a big deal, you guys. 'cause i know where i can get more jokes. the almighty and powerful "late night with seth meyers" joke volcano. [ cheers and applause ] >> who approaches the great and powerful joke volcano!
>> seth: it is i, seth meyers. >> what is it you seek? >> seth: i need a joke. >> man, you go through jokes faster than chipotle through chris christie. [ rimshot ] >> seth: yeah, i should have told you, guys, the joke volcano sucks. [ laughter ] >> what are you talking about? the audience is erupting with laughter. [ rimshot ] >> seth: yeah, could i just get, like, one punch line for this gap joke? >> sure, i'll do it for you, seth, but only because i lava you. [ rimshot ] >> seth: just give me the joke. >> fine, here you go. [ flatulence ] [ laughter ] that's a hot joke. you get it? 'cause i'm a volcano. >> seth: yeah, all your jokes are about being a volcano. >> hey, seth, seth, wait, could you please plug my show at the laugh factory? >> seth: yeah, sure. what time is it? >> time for you to get a watch!
[ rimshot ] >> seth: i hope this one works. a nearly million square foot gap clothing store went up in flames recently. experts say the fire caused over $30 in damage. boom! that's a joke! [ laughter and applause ] so we staple it, stamp it, ring the bell, check how the joke raven is doing on its journey. [ laughter ] you don't know him, but that's so raven. [ laughter ] and we put it in the completed joke bucket. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night"! ♪ we live in a pick and choose world.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my next guest just released her very first holiday album, "a very kacey christmas." which features four original tracks, as well as covers of eight holiday favorites. performing her take on "christmas don't be late," please welcome back to the show, kacey musgraves. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
everyone! "a very kacey christmas" is out now! my thanks to michael moore, rita ora, kacey musgraves, abe cunningham, and of course, the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. see you tomorrow! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> carson: good evening. this is "last call," with me, carson daly. 97.1 amp radio is our backdrop tonight for the show, and we do have a great one coming your way. the music tonight is