tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC December 31, 2016 12:37am-1:38am PST
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- mariah carey, writer and star of the "new york stories," colin quinn, music from megadeth, featuring the 8g band with dave lombardo. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight out there? [ cheers and applause ] that is fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. donald trump continued his thank you tour, battle of battle ground states today in pennsylvania and hillary clinton continued her thanks for nothing tour, deeper into the woods.
[ laughter ] house republicans stated that even though they plan to vote on repealing obama care early next year, the actual process to replace the law could take all of donald trump's first term. really? it could take six months? all right. [ laughter and applause ] sources -- sources say that donald trump attacked "vanity fair" this morning, because the magazine wrote a negative review of his restaurant, saying it serves garbage food. even worse you know it's accurate because this was the reviewer. [ laughter and applause ] donald trump also attacking vanity fair editor, graydon carter, who is the first to suggest trump has small hands. funny, with those tiny hands, you would think it would be easier for trump to let go of things. [ laughter ] "variety" magazine yesterday named television coverage of donald trump's campaign to be the worst tv of 2016.
are you kidding me? that show had everything. it had passion. heart break. it had lavish sex. there was a goofy dad. a whacky neighbor. actually, a bunch of whacky neighbors. it had romance. and the biggest, the biggest twist ending in tv history. oh, and major a cliff hanger for season 2. reporters of an old interview in which donald trump allegedly says he likes having people explain things to him in ten words or less. okay, if you keep skipping security briefings, we're all gonna die. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] today in 1791 the bill of rights became law. and on january 20, it'll become a suggestion. peter pan peanut butter has been hit with a record $11.2 million fine for it's role in a massive salmonella outbreak.
to be fair, peter pan has always been very up front about not wanting kids to grow up. [ laughter ] researchers have six new species living on the sea floor, including a kind of hairy-chested crab. i think we actually have a photo of the hairy-chested crab. oh, there it is. a woman in russia passed away after falling into a tank of melted chocolate. or as chris christie calls it, natural causes. [ light laughter ] and finally, paris is reportedly facing its worst rat crisis in decades. but on the bright side, a lot of great new restaurants. ladies and gentlemen, we've got a fantastic show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] her spectacular "all i want for christmas is you" concert is a new york city must-see. now through december 17th at the beacon theater and "mariah's
world" airs sunday's at 9:00 p.m. on e! mariah carey is here tonight, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] also, he has a fantastic comedy special on netflix, "the new york story", colin quinn, one of our favorites is back shown the tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and they are legendary titans of metal and they are here to perform for us tonight, megadeth is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] i challenge you to find anywhere else in new york city where you'll get mariah carey and megadeth in the same place. you know, when i came in this morning there were actually some flurries falling. and yu know, it seems like the time of year when you just can't help but -- wait, i'm sorry i could be wrong here. but i think i smell some smoke. and that can only mean one thing. it's time for "ya burnt." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome to the burn zone. we've got a lot of topics to sizzle through but not a lot of time.
over here is the burner, let's turn on the gas, and load her up. woohoo! hello, nurse. first up, the three wisemen. who even are you? if i find out my infant son had three adult male friends i'd have questions. oh, good, baby jesus' fully grown bros are here, and these gifts you brought. gold, frankincense and myrrh, just what a baby wants myrrh. honey, the baby is crying, get the myrrh. did you forget you were buying for a newborn? next time just hook a brother up with a binky, a blanky, and a baby bjorn. i'll see you guys wandering around all night trying to find a baby? that's not a bible story, that an episode of "law and order: svu." three wise men wise up to this. ya burnt. mistletoe, the bill cosby of plants. side burn cosby. >> sideburn. >> seth: mistletoe is the tradition that answers the question, what if tinder was just some leaves.
also this is the holiday spent mostly with extended family, do we really need to incentivize on the mouth kissing? [ laughter ] and no one has gone to the bathroom for 45 minutes because weird cousin gary has been lurking in the door way. mistletoe? more like mistle-no, you're burnt. [ laughter ] christmas carolers, so wait. you're telling me i get to pause the basketball game i had on and watch an a cappella concert i didn't ask for? sign me up. [ laughter ] also, carolers, can someone please tell me what i'm supposed to do while you're singing? do you want eye contact? do you not want eye contact? [ laughter ] do you want me to sing along? because i do not know good king wenceslas. i don't even know how to say it. wenceslas? wen ces las? wence las? get an easier to say name, king. but seriously, thank you so much. without you, i didn't know where i would hear christmas music this time of year. by the way, lady in the back, if the scarf guy next to you is your husband, your husband is gay. hey, carolers get off my porch before i deck you right in the halls. it's beginning to look a lot
like ya burnt. candy canes, finally an after dinner mint that doubles as a choking hazard. [ laughter ] merry christmas kids now suck on this minty fish hook for a while until it breaks off and gores the inside of your mouth. [ laughter ] candy canes, the only thing you're good for is after sucking you for a while can i use you as a prison shiv the next time weird cousin gary tried to get handsy under the mistletoe. [ laughter ] double burn, cousin gary. >> double burn. >> seth: candy canes, go suck yourself, ya burnt. stocking, hey, whose idea was it to hang flammable clothes over the fire place? [ laughter ] are we trying to frame santa for arson? why is it the good kids get things in their stockings? it should be the bad kids. kevin, you've been a real ass ache all year so here you go, an old sock filled with batteries and tic-tacs. [ laughter ] by the way, if anyone can use tic-tacs, it's that creep cousin gary. triple burn, gary. >> how is he not in prison? [ laughter ] >> seth: hey stockings, you stink and ya burnt. snow days, man, snow days are
the best. waking up to hear the guy on the radio saying school's cancelled. coming downstairs all sock-footed, seeing mom has already made some hot chocolate. staying cozy and then getting all bundled up. heading out to throw snowballs at the garage. and that's why snow days are this week's unburnable. stay frosty my friends. [ cheers and applause ] gingerbread houses. hey, gingerbread houses. let's call you what you are. shotty building materials put together using child labor. [ laughter ] i don't know if that's frosting holding this house together or snot because little tommy is coughing up a storm and i've never seen him wash his hands in his life. [ laughter ] gingerbread houses, ya burnt. the 4:30 p.m. sunset. ♪ tis the season for depression fa la la la la la la la la ♪ seriously, this is great. now i can finally enjoy a beautiful sunset while i'm eating lunch. [ laughter ] the only thing worse than it getting dark at 4:30 is that all of your coworkers seem to have amnesia about it. i can't believe it's getting dark so early. oh, really, judy? you can't believe a thing that
has happened every year since the beginning of time is also happening now? [ laughter ] f off judy. >> judy's just trying to connect. >> seth: yeah, f off to you too. 4:30 p.m. sunsets. ya burnt. stradle -- the game that sounds -- what is it? dreidel -- the game that's as fun as it sounds. here are the rules of dreidel. you just spin the four-sided top and whatever side it lands on we're all losers. [ laughter ] and i don't care what your song says, you did not make that dreidel out of clay. it was made from plastic by a bunch of kids in a chinese factory who have never even heard of chanukah. also, the goal of dreidel is that jewish kids can horde gold coins? way to play into the stereotype, dreidel. [ laughter ] does the winner get to retire in florida. dreidel, you're spinning out and ya burnt. up next, angels who save christmas. [ buzzard sound ] oh, ruh-roh! that buzzer means we have run out of time. this has been "ya burnt." we'll be back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ]
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...strand stronger don't just wash your hair fuel it fuel your hair. because strong is beautiful. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our first guest tonight is the best selling female artist of all time. she has 18 number one hits, more than any other solo artist in history. she wraps her "all i want for christmas is you" concert series
this saturday at the beacon theater. you can also see her docu series, "mariah's world," sunday nights on e! let's take a look. >> don't show me. show the artwork. look at this. it's so good. of course when there's like all these people waiting for you and you have to go on stage, it's the priority. but i never want my kids to feel like mommy doesn't put them first. and cut. >> seth: please welcome to the show, music legend, mariah carey, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
>> seth: thank you so much. >> thank you for having me. >> seth: i'm so honored to have you here. >> it's an honor to be here. i have a little cold, so i don't want to get you -- >> seth: oh, it's all right. once you're in a sleigh with somebody. >> it's a -- yeah. >> seth: and i do want to point out this is our first sleigh interview. >> yes, it is. >> seth: which i felt like we needed to do that for a couple of reasons. one, i feel like you are the queen of christmas. >> they say that, but that's just a huge title. i can't take that title. >> seth: you can't take it? >> no. >> seth: i'm the duke of halloween. [ light laughter ] >> i think less people get offended by that. >> seth: yeah, that's true. i also wanted to make sure i had you somewhere comfortable because we saw an example of that in the clip. you are the most comfortable looking person on your show. >> am i really? >> seth: well, does is not -- this happens all the time. >> hiking gear. >> seth: look at that. this is not a one-time thing. here you are at a different time. >> we should have laid out the sleigh this way. >> seth: i know. i'm sorry. >> i mean, the sleigh clearly needed to be this way. >> seth: you are doing such a nice job. look at that. i've never been that relaxed in my life. >> it's hard work to lay down like this all the time, seth.
>> seth: it is though right? i think that's important to note. because you look relaxed but it took you a lot of work to get to that place. >> you got to pull up and stay there. it is what it is. >> seth: now, you do have this incredible christmas song we hear it all the time. is it your favorite christmas song? >> "all i want for christmas is you," it was the first christmas song i ever wrote. and is it my favorite? i love all christmas songs. >> seth: you love them all. come on. there's a couple of dogs in there. [ light laughter ] >> i love -- oh, well, yeah. >> seth: i mean, are you ever happy when someone starts the "12 days of christmas?" >> depends who it is. >> seth: that's true. i guess i wouldn't be bummed if you started. i would say, oh, my god i'm going to get so much mariah right now. >> definitely 12 days. >> seth: then because you are the expert, the queen, my term, not yours, is it -- when is it too early to start playing christmas songs? >> i have a whole thing about this. >> seth: okay, good. >> okay, because i'm a new yorker. we love new york. this is a great place to be at christmas. although, i go to aspen because i'm guaranteed snow.
>> seth: okay, gotcha. >> so i have to have that. >> seth: you need to have snow? >> it's kind of a big deal to me. yes. >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> santa claus comes in a real sleigh with real reindeer. >> seth: yes, because here in new york he has to take the subway. >> yeah. in aspen he just knows the way to my house. >> seth: well, there you go. is christmas a huge deal in mariah carey's household? >> of course. >> seth: you take it super seriously? >> i do. but we have fun. we go on a sleigh ride. >> seth: that's good. >> lots of things. yes, we're here on a mock sleigh ride. >> seth: mock sleigh ride, please. >> you could have come to my sleigh ride and i would have -- you would have been really -- >> seth: next time we'll do a live remote from your sleigh ride. >> yes. and we can do like kind of like, even like a bathtub sleigh ride. like we'll have clothing although, it will be like more relaxing >>et. every part of this. [ light laughter ] a bathtub sleigh ride. sign me up. >> bathtub sleigh ride with diamonds. >> seth: didn't know it was a thing now can't stop thinking about it. >> now we made it a thing. >> seth: now we made it a thing. honey, i have christmas plans for next year. where are you going? aspen with mariah carey in a
bath tub with diamonds. >> soaking in a sleigh. >> seth: i would -- see here's the thing though. i would be -- i feel like you would be a person -- it would be very intimidating to try to buy you a christmas present. one, i feel like you probably have a lot of things you want. and are you a hard person to shop for on christmas? >> not really. if you go with like this type of a feeling. >> i'm going to be happy. it's festive. it's got red on there. >> seth: for someone who has ever tried to buy one of those it might be hard though. >> you know, honestly, i do, i was looking at the pictures and i saw the clip that you guys showed and i was looking at my kids and that's most important. >> seth: i was watching you were looking at the artwork of your kids. how old are your children? >> five. >> seth: mine, not even a year old. but that is very exciting seeing art they do. even as an artist. you are an artist on the top charts. when, though be honest, ten years ago before you had kids, if you looked at that and it was someone else's child had drawn it.
>> oh i would be like, what is that? >> seth: exactly, right. >> no, i wouldn't. see people give me gifts and stuff like all the time. >> seth: oh, yeah. well, your fans. >> yes. >> seth: and your fans are called lambs? >> they call themselves lambs. everybody else made up names for their fans. my fans heard me calling like my friend, hey, lamb, like it's our private joke. long story way too long for the segment. but they heard me say it, hey, lamb, lamby whatever. and they started calling themselves lambs. >> seth: that's very sweet. and the lambily. they call themselves the lambily. >> that i gave them. >> seth: oh, that's nice of you. >> well, you know. >> the least i can do. >> seth: gotta give something back. >> the lambs know it. the thing is, they have a name for all these other people's fans with naming their fans. >> seth: like the beliebers and stuff like that? >> no offense to anybody else's fans, but mine came first. >> seth: you might be in the sleigh with a belieber right now and you wouldn't even know it. >> they might think i'm trying to slay them myself. but no. >> seth: your children names are rock and roe. >> that's moroccan and monroe. >> seth: that's great. and do they -- have they shown
any joy of performance themselves? >> yes. at first they were super shy and they didn't want to come on stage. now they go, we want to go on the stage with mommy. this is miss monroe doing a pose like mommy. >> seth: there is miss monroe rocking it out. is that rock sort of lingering in the background? >> she never does this. he usually takes over and makes the whole thing his show. that night she was on fire. >> seth: well, there you go. i think they have a very bright future. this is very exciting too. are you going on tour with lionel richie? >> yeah. we're going on tour. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] i spoke to him the other day. and it's really great, 'cause he's so legendary and it's just kind of like my little moment to be there. and you know, have some fun and see some fans. >> seth: i just met lionel richie for the first time earlier this year. that man looks fantastic. he is the definition of ageless. >> is he really? >> seth: yeah, you know. why are you asking me? am i the expert on lionel richie in this sleigh? >> well, who's -- never mind.
[ laughter ] >> seth: i can't think of a better time to have you here than at christmas time. having you here back in new york city. i know you have to get to aspen. but thank you for making time for us here. >> thank you. you're not going to magically get me there with this? >> seth: i'm going to magically get you there right after this. give it up to mariah carey, everybody. "mariah's world," airs sunday nights on e! we'll be right back with colin quinn. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ inside the rack houses of jim beam, thousands of barrels lay silent. aging, building a fuller smoother flavor that only comes from being aged four long years. at jim beam, our history is made from the inside. how will you make yours?
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cofounder of metal icon, slayer, sitting in with the great 8g band. he's also of punk legends, the misfits, suicidal tendencies, and dead cross featuring mike patton. please give it up for dave lombardo, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] it's such an honor having you here this week, dave. >> likewise. >> seth: thank you so much for being here. >> you got it. >> seth: our next guest is an emmy-nominated comedian and an author who you know from "saturday night live," and his one-man show, "unconstitutional" and "long story short." his latest "colin quinn: the new york story" is currently streaming on netflix. please welcome back to the show, our good friend, colin quinn. ♪ [ cheers ] >> seth: hi, buddy. >> well, with that guy's credit, i expected it to be, like, toothless and his head like this. look at him, a normal guy after all those years. >> seth: yeah. >> and 17 psychotic punk and
metal bands, you know? >> seth: no, dave is keeping it together very well. >> i know. you really held it together. >> thank you. >> seth: you know, i want to talk about you because you -- i'm worried about you holding it together. you were supposed to be here a few months back -- >> yes. >> seth: to promote your web series "cop show." >> yeah. >> seth: a fantastic show. >> oh, god. >> seth: i got to guest on it this year. >> yes, you were amazing on it. >> seth: thank you. a lot of people told me that. >> yeah, a lot of people -- [ laughter ] but one applause was worse than no applause. i appreciate it though. >> seth: what is worse? because you feel like they thought every -- they only did it because they thought everybody was going to. >> yeah. and they're like, "oh, i guess -- yeah." >> seth: so, but you hurt yourself. >> i hurt my achilles. >> seth: you hurt your achilles? >> i hurt my achilles. i was playing basketball on the set of an adam sandler movie. [ light laughter ] and -- and then i just -- it popped. >> seth: it popped, and you knew right away? >> yeah. >> seth: had you ever popped an achilles before? >> no. >> seth: okay. >> but, no. but i -- you know, i was getting along, but -- like i've been playing it up. i just do a limp a little bit. >> seth: got you. >> but i don't really have to at this point. [ light laughter ] >> seth: you like the attention? >> i just -- i got to a certain point, like, even, like, i lie
about, like, how bad my medical problems are, and i was just told doctors are amazed, like, that you can walk. you know, and then people compare. and the only people i hate now are acl people that have torn acl because i didn't realize the achilles and acl, like, the one thing that's better than the achilles is the acl as far as a worse injury. >> seth: oh, i see. [ light laughter ] >> so they, you know, they kind of lured it over you a little bit. so, it is a little bit of a conflict on society. >> seth: i see. so you would rather have the worst of the injuries, so that you could get the most attention? >> yeah, like, when you have ac -- achilles, people are like, "oh, like kobe?" and i'm like, "yeah, like kobe." >> seth: yeah. >> it feels good, you know. [ light laughter ] and they're like, "that must be hurt -- painful." and i'm like, "no, you know, it's all right. it's not as bad as you think." i'm being, like, humble, you know. >> seth: yeah. >> and then they're like, "oh, this guy is pretty brave." you know, a stalwart. you know. >> seth: i want to talk about your great show, "new york story." but i want to -- before we get to that, we have now a new yorker is going to go into the white house. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> seth: how do you feel about this?
what is your reaction to the election of donald trump? >> well yeah, but he got elected by -- he got elected by not new yorkers. he got elected by mostly red states, you know? >> seth: yeah. >> and, yeah. but, i mean, it's partially -- i blame show business, our peers. and because apparently carpenters at the -- they don't like civics lessons from people on the red carpet, okay? you can't tell the sheet metal worker in wisconsin to acknowledge his privilege. they don't like that. >> seth: no, they don't. >> i think there's going to be a civil war. >> seth: you do? and how would a civil war manifest itself in the modern era? >> online. >> seth: online? [ laughter ] >> oh, yeah, i think we will break up. think it is, like, six countries. like the big east, you know, the pac 10. it's gonna be, like, broken up into divisions, like the ncaa. [ light laughter ] >> seth: and then, will there at least be a bowl period around the holidays so where we can face off against each other? >> yes, i like that. yeah, the wars will be bowl games. >> seth: and do you -- what do you think -- >> it's a good idea. we can put together, like, a bad movie, like a movie that seems good until you see it. >> seth: oh yeah, that's right. >> and the bowl's not even that great.
>> seth: a we can go in, and we can sell that idea immediately. >> yeah, exactly. >> seth: and then, three years of turning in scripts and them saying, "i thought it would be funnier." so you -- what do you think the relationship is between mike pence and donald trump? because these are two very different guys. >> that's the other -- when i say civil war, there is going to be, like, ten different countries going on in the united states. we're too big, you know? >> seth: yeah. >> 13 colonies, and then, we should separated every other -- but because pence and trump, that's another conflict on the way. pence, it's like, it's like, the christian, like the real -- he's a real republican. and trump's guys are gonna be like midtown steakhouse, you know? >> seth: right. >> guys putting each other in head locks, and, like, you know. you know, guys trying to find a grammy dropped on the ground at the holiday party, basically for you know, goldman sachs holiday party. >> seth: and are you concerned about the role russia played in this election? is that something -- >> no, because we already have -- we don't need the cia because we already got -- nobody understands the way i understand what's going on.
it's we already have our cia guy over there. who just scammed the big citizen in russia? >> seth: i don't know. who did? >> steven seagal. >> seth: oh, right. steven seagal is now officially a russian citizen. >> trump will be like, "a tremendous guy, tremendous guy doing fantastic work. steven, what's going on?" "he's doing a wonderful, wonderful job? wonderful, fantastic." and, those go back and forth. >> seth: the fact that we just don't have to worry about it because trump will talk to putin. >> sorry folks. i'm not an impressionist. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: you're being way too hard on yourself. >> it's okay. [ applause ] >> seth: they did -- there was that moment of, "oh, we're about to see a master impression of trump talking to seagal." and they got all right on the edge of their seats. >> i know. >> seth: then you just let them down. >> i know. but, you know, i was trying -- my joke was trying to say, like, they both sound the same. >> seth: yeah. >> that's really what i was selling. [ light laughter ] if i could do the impressions, i would have done them. i actually went on -- i thought of it today. and i was literally on youtube for 20 minutes, and you feel bad. i'm not responding. trying to, like, get seagal's voice. >> seth: wait. that was the practiced impression we just saw? >> yes. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: that was researched -- researched and practiced?
>> i literally -- 20 minutes there, i was like, "you know what? we are on youtube and watch seagal and try to get it." >> seth: yeah. >> and now we see the response. [ laughter ] >> seth: this is -- >> i see i didn't get it. >> seth: yeah. >> that's how comedy works. >> seth: so -- >> sometimes you got to watch the cow get slaughtered, right? >> seth: there you go, absolutely. "new york story," which is a fantastic one-man show. i loved it when i saw it. >> thanks. >> seth: but you had an actual new york story happen on a subway recently. >> oh, yeah. i go on the subway. i go -- i go down the subway. you know? so i'm on the subway. the's guy is playing neil young, a young kid, playing a neil young song. i'm the only guy in the entire car that's old enough, white enough to really appreciate a neil young song. [ light laughter ] >> seth: right. >> you know what i mean? it's, it's -- >> seth: it's for you. it's, like, your -- >> yeah, exactly. it's not -- >> seth: your pandora station. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] yes, perfect. so the kid comes by, you know. everybody is ignoring him. i throw him a $5. it's not $50. you know, it's not that kind of story.
and i give him 5 bucks. i'm in a metro cart. i'm on the subway. [ light laughter ] and then i give him $5, and i didn't think he noticed me. just walking by and takes the $5, and he goes, "hey, man, thanks. i knew it was just a character you played being a dick on tv." [ laughter ] i should've snatched that $5 right back from him. [ laughter ] he was a little guy, too. but i admire that more when somebody small has this attitude like that. >> seth: yeah. >> anybody big can be like that, but when you're small, it's -- you know. >> seth: you talks a lot about -- new york has a lot of unique people with attitudes. >> true. >> seth: including one of my favorite, that new york has middle-class snobs. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: they're unique. >> blue-collar snobs. >> seth: blue-collar snobs. >> yeah, it's the only city where even people, like-- you can go on vacation everywhere else, people come and are like, "oh," when they go on -- new york people go on vacation just to tell people how it's not as good as new york. they'll be like, "we have pizza." they're like, "that's not new york pizza." it's like, "yeah, you know, you're in italy." "i don't care. it's still not new york pizza." [ laughter ]
"that's not a new york bagel. what kind of bagel is that? it's the wrong water." that's what everyone says. "it's the wrong water you're using." and we're telling people that water is like -- out water's filthy. >> seth: yeah. >> they're like, "you don't have the right water." one time, i was in l.a. in the '90s, and cathy moriarty had, like, a pizza place, she's an actress and she had this pizza place, mulberry pizza -- and even, like, on "the tonight show," jay leno would be like, "oh, they use new york water. and that's why the pizza tastes so good." mulberry street, it's called. so one time, i'm in there -- i used to talk to her all the time -- we we're, like, friends. and i go, "hey, is it true you use new york water, and that's why the pizza is different?" she just stopped and gave me, like, the most disgusted look. she goes, "colin, think about it. you think we ship water in?" [ laughter ] "well, how? by truck or plane everyday?" and i was like, "oh, good point." >> seth: you also note that new yorkers do not -- even on vacation, they do not ask people for information. >> no, that's how you tell who's the tourist. the tourists in new york, "excuse me, where's the museum? excuse me, where's the subway?" people in new york accuse you of
information. "where did you get the coffee?" [ laughter and applause ] and then, they go -- [ applause ] and then they want the review. you go, "down there." "is it good?" [ light laughter ] you have to leave because they come back. "who is that guy who said this was good? it's not good." [ light laughter ] >> seth: your show is very much about immigrants and this sort of immigrant experience. >> immigrante. don't know what that accent was. [ light laughter ] folks, if you came, and you wanted colin to do some impressions or something, maybe that's your problem. i wore my holiday sweater. you know, i'm looking festive. what do you want? >> seth: that's not. >> no, go ahead. >> seth: that's barely holiday. that's maroon. >> what! >> seth: don't feel like that has the red -- the robust redness of a holiday sweater. >> oh, that's right. i don't know what -- yeah, you know. i don't know what kind of guest you're getting on here, but a guy like me -- this is pretty holiday. >> seth: one of the things you talking about is this city -- >> nobody in the misfits wore this sweater.
>> no. [ laughter ] do you guys ever wear holi -- >> never. >> yeah. cbgb's 1983. >> never. >> "hey, it's our christmas show. let's put on a holiday sweater." [ light laughter ] >> seth: you're right. >> i know. >> seth: compared to the misfits, this is very holiday. >> thank you. >> seth: obviously, there is so much discussion about immigrants. >> right. >> seth: and there was such a role in this election. your show sort of celebrates in a great way. >> yeah. >> seth: both that this is a city of immigrants, and that immigrants have gotten along and also don't like each other and also -- >> you're right. >> seth: live together, and it has become a thriving city. i mean, what is your -- do you feel like we're -- that can sustain itself, not just here, but everywhere else? this idea that, yeah, if people from a bunch of different places makes new york great, it can make anywhere great >> no, i told you that we're gonna have a civil war. >> seth: that's right. oh, i forgot the war. there was no optimism there. >> we're gonna have six -- >> seth: all right, the pac 10, big 10. >> you know, how are you going to pitch this movie if we're halfway through, and you're like -- if people do get along,
and i'll be like -- [ laughter ] seth's been really working hard. when do a daily show, you're under a lot of pressure. >> seth: okay, there we go. >> that's not a conflict. >> seth: civil war, six conferences. there should be one -- they are, like, independent conferences? because, you know, like the pac 10 -- >> right. >> seth: that covers. we know what that covers. >> right. >> seth: but then, i feel like, there's, like -- because notre dame, unaffiliated. >> oh. >> seth: so do we have part of the country that is like our independent college? >> yeah, well, you know, i'm glad you said that because you're right. there's, there's, there's, like, blue states. there's blue cities in red states. >> seth: right. >> austin, texas. >> seth: austin, texas. >> charleston. >> seth: yup, so those -- >> staten island. >> seth: yeah, there you go, right? staten island. [ laughter ] >> know what i mean? >> seth: it goes both ways, yeah. it goes both ways. >> it goes both ways, sure. >> seth: we're gonna write a hell of a screenplay here. >> i know. we are. i know, we're just gonna write a pitch. >> seth: yeah, we'll just write a pitch, sell it, and then give it to somebody else to write it. thank you so much for wearing your holiday sweater. it's so great having you here. >> thank you. >> seth: always a pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] colin quinn, everybody. >> thank you. >> seth: "the new york story" is streaming on netflix, and watch "cop show." i'm wornderful in it. >> yes. >> seth: on lstudio.com we'll be right back with more
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cheer. please welcome two elves. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hey, merry christmas, you guys. >> merry christmas, seth. >> happy holidays. i'm meredith. >> and i'm meredith as well. >> seth: okay. thank you guys so much for stopping by. what are you doing in town? >> we had to fix a light that went out in the rockefeller tree and decided to make a day of it in new york. >> seth: all right. well, we're so happy to have you. how are you enjoying the city? >> new york is good. the m & m store was fun, but your rudolph sucks. >> seth: sorry our rudolph? >> giuliani. >> seth: oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. so, quick question, have you guys been looking over everybody's christmas list? >> yes, seth, we got your letter, but we're sorry. santa just can't give you a better butt. >> we make toys. you're just gonna have to hit the gym like everyone else. maybe layoff the sugar a bit.
>> seth: hey, you're the one with the hot chocolate. >> a you cannot call her that. >> i am not with him. [ laughter ] >> seth: i'm sorry, what? >> we are not a couple. >> i told you we would get caught. >> seth: i'm sorry. there is so much for me to unpack here. first of, i was talking about your cocoa. i was not calling her hot chocolate. >> oh. >> of course you were. >> is it too late to pretend this didn't happen? >> seth: yeah. >> seth, this can't get out. i have a family. >> we both do. >> seth: oh, wait. so you guys are together? >> we didn't mean for it to happen. we kissed once. >> and had sex twice. [ light laughter ] >> seth: wait, so one of the times you had sex, you didn't kiss? >> no, no, it was three separate incidents. we tried kissing once. but we didn't like it. >> then we tried having sex and it was great. >> it was just like the tree with all the lights. we got caught up in the moment.
>> seth: wait you had sex at rockefeller center tree? >> oh, no, no, no. we had sex in the rockefeller center tree. >> yes, if you're a tourist who took photos between noon and 2:30 today please do not have them enlarged. >> seth: oh, man. >> seth, we're both married. you gotta promise not to tell anybody. >> seth: not to tell anyone this is on tv tonight. >> quick sing something expensive so we can afford to air this. [ singing ] >> seth: no, no. stop it. stop it. >> what's it going to take, meyers? >> you want that ass? we can get you that ass. >> you can take mine. it's smooth, and its hairless and its tight as a drum. >> and i can attest to that. >> ra pum pum pum. >> seth: okay, no, i don't. this interaction has taken a turn that i do not care for. >> look. it's not my fault, seth. i'm a neglected woman. my husband used to make love to me every night. but now he just looks at me with those two eyes made out of coal and there's nothing there. >> seth: wait, is your husband frosty the snow man?
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