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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  January 19, 2017 11:34pm-12:38am PST

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thunder. big waves, strong gusts. thanks, rob. live weather coverage begins tomorrow morning on "today in the bay." meteorologist kerry hall with weather and mike inouye with traffic at 4:30 a.m. we're just hours away from the inauguration of donald trump. as a reminder, raj mathai will be there early reporting live from washington, d.c. his first report begins at 5:30 in the morning. we leave you with a look at the capitol where the transfer of american power happens tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- aziz ansari, carrie brownstein,
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musical guest panic! at the disco, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 606! kentucky! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hey, everybody! please, enjoy yourselves. welcome. welcome, everybody. welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show", baby! [ cheers and applause ] thank you! thank you for being here. hot crowd. this is fun. well, here's what -- here's what people are talking about,
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you guys. tomorrow is the presidential inauguration. yeah. [ audience groans ] people -- [ laughter ] people from all across country will be there. but don't worry if you can't make it, because the president will be live tweeting the whole thing. so this -- [ cheers and applause ] live the whole time. actually, i read that donald trump apparently wrote a a draft of his inauguration speech himself. a little worried though, because while he was writing, he kept yelling to his secretary, "is boobs spelled with two os or three?" [ laughter and applause ] "booooooobs." now trump likes writing everything by hand and he actually threw away some lines for his speech that he decided not to use. well, we got a hold of some of them. >> steve: really? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. at "the tonight show", i don't know how we -- >> steve: wow. how'd you do that? >> jimmy: i don't know how we did, but we just got it. >> steve: that's crazy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: security is lax! >> jimmy: so check these out -- [ light laughter ] this first line trump threw away, was "four score and seven bankruptcies ago." [ laughter and applause ] you don't want to open with
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that. >> steve: no. that's not a good opener. >> jimmy: then he tried, "read my lips. no new taxes -- for me." [ laughter and applause ] and finally he tried, "dwight d. eisenhower said, 'any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy' and to that i say, why not both?" [ applause ] so i can't wait to see what he ends up using. he's very exciting. >> steve: win-win. >> jimmy: get this. i read that one of the djs at donald trump's inauguration celebration used to be hugh hefner's personal dj. yeah. when asked how he became a dj for both hugh hefner and donald trump, he said, "i'm not a very good dj." [ laughter and applause ] if you must know. and this concerned a few people here. the "new york times" said that after being nominated for energy secretary, rick perry apparently didn't know that meant he'd be in charge of america's nuclear weapons. yeah. not great for -- [ light laughter ] not great for a man who's most famous for saying this --
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>> oops. >> jimmy: yeah i -- [ laughter and applause ] no. no oops. oops? but this is interesting. donald trump has reportedly asked 50 senior obama officials to stay under his administration. that's right, they include national security adviser, brett mcgurk. dea official, chuck rosenberg. and president barack obama. and he's just like -- [ cheers and applause ] "i'll come by -- i'll come by once a week and check in. you take care of it. thank you, barack." [ light laughter ] this is kind of nice. i read that donald trump's daughter ivanka recently spoke with michelle obama and the conversation lasted a whole hour. finally michelle was like, "okay, ivanka. i'll buy the damn purse." [ laughter ] "just give it to me. give it to me. give it to me. all right." guys listen to this. i read that denver is attempting to become the first city in the u.s. to allow marijuana in all public places. [ cheers ] you could tell by -- [ applause ] you could tell by some of the signs they're putting up at local establishments. here, take look at this sign from a mall. it says, "you are here, but, like, where am i?"
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[ laughter and applause ] we have a great show tonight, guys. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody, hello! welcome! hey, guys, look what arrived in the mail this morning. we got a people's choice award! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we got a people's choice award for "favorite late night talk show host." so i just want to thank the people. [ cheers and applause ] and -- whoever made this beautiful award, it'sprobably waterford crystal, or something. >> steve: great. >> jimmy: but look how gorgeous this thing is. it's nice -- it's nice right? >> steve: beautiful. >> jimmy: it's pretty gorgeous. anyways, it's an honor. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: and that's always fun. so thank you guys so much. we're happy to have this. [ cheers and applause ]
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we don't -- we don't really need awards. we have enough that we're so happy, like, with this job. we're so lucky to have this, but this is icing on the cake. so thank you very much. uh, it's been a great week so far. there's more ahead. tomorrow night, james spader will be here. [ cheers and applause ] big sean -- big sean with be here. >> steve: big sean. >> jimmy: and i love this guy. science expert kevin delaney will all be here. and they're going to -- [ cheers and applause ] have fun. >> steve: i love that dude. >> jimmy: he blows things up. he's really good. then, of course, we have thank you notes. because it's friday. you don't want to miss it. it's a good show tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] but first, have a fantastic show tonight. this guy is hosting "saturday night live" for the first time this weekend with musical guest big sean. the hilarious aziz ansari is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: aziz! >> jimmy: the best. >> steve: the best dude. funny dude. >> jimmy: i love that guy. he is so funny. aziz is going to catch us up about everything he's got going on. then he and i are doing a fun new bit called, "dramatic yelp reviews." >> steve: ooh. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: they're all real. >> steve: they're all real. >> jimmy: it's pretty crazy. plus you know her and love her
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from the band sleater-kinney. also of course being hilarious on "portlandia." carrie brownstein is here tonight. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] all right! >> jimmy: i'm so excited she's here. >> steve: love her. >> jimmy: and we have music from panic! at the disco, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: "death of a a bachelor" -- this song -- this is my jam. this -- this "death of a a bachelor" song is -- remember? i played it for you like 100 times. >> steve: 1,000 times. >> jimmy: yeah. i just -- i think it's the most innovative song of the year. i know they're up for, what? "best rock album" at the grammys? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: they should -- it's amazing. but they're playing with the roots tonight and they are going for it. they are going for it. [ cheers ] tonight is the night to watch. this guy -- the lead singer guy, would you say -- he like does like -- it's almost like crooning. almost like a frank sinatra-y type of song. and then he just breaks out, and starts hitting high notes and -- let me give you a little taste of this "death of a bachelor", just so you see what type of jam to expect, and how i'm going to rattle your television set.
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>> steve: you think -- >> jimmy: here we go. ♪ death of a bachelor oh oh oh letting the water fall ♪ ♪ the death of a bachelor oh oh oh seems so fitting for ♪ >> jimmy: here he goes. >> steve: get ready. ♪ happily ever after woo how could i ask for more ♪ ♪ death of a bachelor at the expense of the death of a bachelor ♪ >> jimmy: that's it right there. >> steve: wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: panic! at the disco! >> steve: oh. [ cheers and applause ] [ falsetto ] ♪ woooo >> jimmy: good gosh, he went for it on that song. that's the jam right there, man. oh, my god. guys it is time for "tonight show" hashtags. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hashtags hashtags ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: hey, guys we use twitter on our show every single week. so if you watch our show and
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you want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a hashtag and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. so since obama is moving out of the white house tomorrow, i went on twiter and sent out a a hashtag called #timetomove. [ light laughter ] and i asked you guys to tweet out a weird, funny, or embarrassing thing about a a place that you lived. we got thousands of tweets. in fact, it was a trending topic in the u.s. so thank you for the tweets. [ cheers and applause ] you know when you just know that it's time to move. oh, yeah. so now here's some of my favorite #timetomove tweets from you guys. this first one's from @paultrafga. he says, "some of my mattress springs broke. so for a year and a half i just slept on our pool table." [ laughter ] yeah. all right, time to move. yeah. slept on the pool table. >> steve: god. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this -- >> steve: what does that have to do with moving? get a new mattress. >> jimmy: yeah, i -- you just got to figure things -- you gotta figure your life out, at that point. you go -- >> steve: metaphorically move. >> jimmy: it's not like three weeks. >> steve: no, no, no. >> jimmy: a year and a half. >> steve: year and a half.
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>> jimmy: he's like, that's it -- yeah. >> steve: i got to get outta here! >> jimmy: i got to -- >> steve: why are you so sore? >> jimmy: enough is enough, man. >> steve: i'm trying to sleep here. >> jimmy: i've got to get to bed. will you stop playing? i got to go to bed. i got an exam tomorrow. >> steve: left ball. side pocket. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: woo! >> steve: don't panic. >> jimmy: this one's from @hollynheron. she says, "my old roommate accidentally set our kitchen on fire one night, but didn't wake me up because he 'didn't want me to be mad.'" [ laughter and applause ] "wake me up! there's a fire in the house!" [ coughing ] this one's from @lj6000. she says, "possum was living in the laundry room. landlord didn't do anything because he said, 'people seem to like it.'" [ laughter and applause ] he's friendly. >> steve: hey, man. >> jimmy: he doesn't bite. >> steve: he's got pockets. >> jimmy: yeah, he's pretty cute, man. >> steve: yeah. he plays dead -- >> jimmy: get to know him. get to know him, man. >> steve: come on, man. >> jimmy: this one's from @alisonewynn.
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she says, "came home to a note on the front door that said, 'don't come in yet. it's fine. don't worry. but don't come in.'" [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: what? what is going -- something that can be repaired. >> jimmy: this is from @thebrenpire. he says, "my old landlord explained our low ceiling by saying, 'people were a lot smaller 100 years ago.'" [ laughter ] okay. >> steve: i think that's time not to move in. >> jimmy: you've got to -- you cut your spine down a a little bit. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: you'll have a lot of room then. >> steve: take your shins, cut them in half, glue them together. you'll walk around this place like a king. >> jimmy: hey! [ laughter ] >> steve: get on your knees. get some knee pads. you know, dorf? "dorf on golf"? >> jimmy: you ever limbo? >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] limbo through the front door. >> jimmy: that's how you get in and out. >> steve: that's great exercise. it's like yoga. >> jimmy: great -- it works the core. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: i personally have lost five pounds limboing. >> steve: in one week. >> jimmy: in one week. >> steve: my calf muscles are so strong i can bust a sock
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just by -- [ laughter ] it inflates like a water balloon. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: it's crazy, man. >> jimmy: the elastic can't handle. >> steve: you want to live the life you live, go ahead, man. >> jimmy: hey, you do whatever you want. you don't have to live here if you don't want to. i don't care. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: i'm just saying. it's a great place. people were a lot smaller then. >> steve: it's historically accurate. you want me to call the historical society and tell them we're going tear down this old place? because some giant came in and wants to live here? [ laughter ] well, no thank you! i'm not changing the declaration of independence either! >> jimmy: please, good day to you, sir. [ slap ] good day to you, sir. [ light laughter ] this one's from @mosnarf. >> steve: mo snarf. yeah! what's up, snarf? less snarf? >> jimmy: no. this is mo snarf. >> steve: okay. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: she says, "the electric gate leading into our driveway has never worked right. so we just slam the car into it until it opens." [ laughter and applause ] that's perfect. that's perfect.
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that's it. >> steve: that's it. that's using your bean. >> jimmy: that's exactly right. this one is from @bzevotek. >> steve: hmm. >> jimmy: cool last name. [ light laughter ] you know any zevoteks? >> steve: zevoteks? no? >> jimmy: zevotek? >> steve: i know zantac. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: zantac? >> steve: yeah, i took it for my tummy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this one's from @bzevotek. he says, "my apartment's shower ceiling was four feet tall and two walls angled inward. i had to shower like a troll getting hit by sunlight." [ laughter ] >> steve: hey, man. people were a lot shorter back then. >> jimmy: hey, people were a a lot shorter, and they rarely showered. >> steve: take a bath, man. take a bath in the sink. >> jimmy: take a bath -- i'm not going to tell you how to live your life. you want to live somewhere? you want to live in a mansion? go right ahead. >> steve: but i'm telling you, that's how our forefathers did it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: it's good enough for them -- the writers of the constitution. it's good enough for me. >> jimmy: they used to take out their loofa, and bath and body works. >> steve: sure. they use the -- >> jimmy: shower gel. >> steve: they used the toilet as a sink. [ laughter ]
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that's the way you got to do it, man. this wasn't always a bathroom. >> jimmy: this was scurvy room for a while. scurvy room? i don't know. you want me to call the historical society? >> steve: yeah, go for it! >> jimmy: i don't have the number. i don't have the number on speed dial! [ laughter ] >> steve: all right, okay. >> jimmy: come on, man. >> steve: it's $18,000 dollars a month. >> jimmy: siri, what's the number to the historical society? >> steve: beep. did not catch that. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: whatever. i'm so mad right now. so you'll take the apartment? [ light laughter ] last one -- >> steve: do you like possums? >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] we trained a possum to do your laundry. i mean, is that going to put it over the edge? >> steve: that's going to put it over the edge? >> jimmy: you're going to love this possum. >> steve: let's say you're downstairs, you're doing laundry. you drop a bunch of m&ms. you don't even have to pick them up. a possum will eat the whole thing. [ laughter ] you drop cheetos onto the floor -- >> jimmy: you ever seen "zootopia"? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: you liked it, didn't you? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: you've got a real life possum, living with you. >> steve: well, there you go. i guess you hate possums. yuck. >> jimmy: good day to you, sir.
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[ light laughter ] >> jimmy: this last one's from @autumnsprabary. she says, "i lived in an apartment that had black mold growing on the air conditioner. maintenance fixed it by spray painting it white." well, there you go. out of sight, out of mind. [ laughter and applause ] there you have it. those are "tonight show" hashtags. to check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow.comhashtags. stick around, we'll be right back with aziz ansari, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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to protect from irritation. sorry, lube strip. schick hydro®. free your skin®. that i was on the icelandic game show. and everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- "put that down. that's expensive." of course i save people an average of nearly $600, but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi. well, i feel better. it's been five minutes. talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay.
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heavy, labored breathingrogress. [ chuckles ] heavy, labored breathing coughing breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask
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breathing through oxygen mask covered california. it's more than just health care. it's life care. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we are joined right now by one of the most popular stand-ups working today, as well as the emmy award winning star of the netflix series "master of none." this weekend he hosts "saturday night live" for the very first time with musical guest big sean, please welcome, a very funny man. aziz ansari, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: looking good, buddy. welcome back to the show. >> thanks so much. a pleasure to be here as always. >> jimmy: congrats on everything. >> thanks. >> jimmy: i have to say, the last time you were here we were talking about "master of none" and i was just gushing over it, 'cause gosh, you did a great job. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: and your -- what's your writing partner? alan? >> alan yang, yeah. >> jimmy: fantastic show. you won an emmy? >> we did, yeah. >> jimmy: and i was so happy for you, dude! [ cheers and applause ] i was like -- >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: well done, man. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: and that's fun, and i saw, for the emmy campaign, that was -- we were out in l.a. -- to go to the emmys. and i saw, they're using your dad. >> yeah. >> jimmy: your dad was in the emmy campaign -- the billboard here of your dad here. >> yes. that's him. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: [ indiscernible ] >> yeah, those -- those are real quotes that were said about him. [ light laughter ] my dad who is not an actor, but a gastroenterologist.
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[ light laughter ] and that was the ad for him to get outstanding guest actor. i can't remember who ended up winning but like, there was the best part was one article did have him as a likely nominee. [ laughter ] like, "hollywood reporter" or someone's like, predicted nominee, shoukath ansari, larry david -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and how is your dad handling it all? is he just like, this is crazy? >> i mean, he was -- he was constantly bringing up the billboard in conversation. like -- [ light laughter ] there would be, my mom would've said, like, their like at a a dinner party, and someones like, yeah anyway, he's probably going to be in the hospital for a while. and my dad's like, "what about this billboard? have you seen this?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: doesn't care what anyone's talking about. he wants to talk about him. does he like, give notes about the show, when you're filming? or is it -- >> oh, yeah. i mean, he used to pitch stuff for "parks and rec," a show he wasn't even on. so now he's on -- [ laughter ] he's on the show and he's always just like texting me ideas, silly things that happen in the hospital.
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[ light laughter ] but he'll be in season two and he's very funny. we just finished filming season two, and he's -- [ cheers and applause ] yeah. >> jimmy: here's a picture of your dad and mom at the emmys. very proud. [ audience aws ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: proud parents watching their kid win. that's awesome, buddy. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: season two, so netflix called you, they say hey, dude, season one was so great. we love it. let's do season two? >> yeah. they wanted a season two, and they wanted to go back right away. and i was like, i just finished. i don't want to do that. and so i moved to italy for a a while to -- to learn how to make pasta. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how great is that? that you can just do that? i love that you did that. where did you go? >> i lived in a town called modena, for a couple of months, and yeah. i learned how to speak italian and it was fun. >> jimmy: no way. did you eat so much pasta? >> i did. i was -- i was a chubbier version of the man you see right here. yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: people are in pretty decent shape for all the pasta they eat out there. >> you know, i was there. and i was like, oh you know, i'm -- i'm not gaining any
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weight and then i went back to visit some of my friends there, and i brought like one of my friends from here, and they're like, oh, you should have seen aziz when he was living here. he was like -- [ laughter ] and i was like -- i didn't realize i was ballooning up, man. someone should have said something. >> jimmy: yeah, no. then i, then i saw this photo i think you put on instagram, this is your final big bud/little bud meal, in rome. look at this little -- >> yeah, it was getting a a little out of hand. we started -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: come on. that's the greatest. i mean, seriously -- food coma. food coma, dude. how yummy. everything, even just the photos, looks so good. >> yeah, it's good. >> jimmy: i'm freaking -- i love that place, man. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you're done with that. you did season two? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: and that's -- so now it's ready to go. now you're here, and you have a a little time off so you figured you'd just host "saturday night live"? >> i'm -- i'm so excited. that's always been a dream of mine. i love the show, and it -- it's been surreal working on it this week, and i'm very excited for saturday. >> jimmy: yeah. they're all excited. i mean this is -- [ cheers and applause ] we talk to, you know, higgins, and all the cast, and everyone's saying that they, their loving you up there. >> yeah, this is fun.
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>> jimmy: this a big deal saturday. i mean, this is the day after -- >> the day after the inauguration, and it's such a a coincidence, 'cause i'm his favorite comedian. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that right? i didn't know that. [ laughter ] >> yeah. i'm his absolute favorite comedian. >> jimmy: you are his favorite. >> yes. >> jimmy: i did not know that. >> yes. >> jimmy: there's so many other comedians out there. [ laughter ] you know what, there was one, i saw this somewhere -- it was all over the place on the internet, but you were working at the comedy cellar, on your opening monologue for "snl." >> yeah, i was, yeah. >> jimmy: you're a hard working dude. i love that you go up there just to hone it, and make sure you got all the right jokes. so you go there one night, and who shows up? >> it -- this was the lineup that night. it ended up being jerry seinfeld, then amy schumer, then chris rock, then me, then dave chappelle. [ laughter ] and -- you know, it's fun, 'cause that club is such a a great place. it's a great place when you're like, working on material and no one knows you're coming and,
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the host will be like, "ladies and gentlemen, we got a special guest, aziz ansari!" and everyone's like, "ah!" [ laughter ] and i just went each time they announced, first their like, seinfeld, and i was like, ah! and then it was like, schumer, like ah! and at -- at a certain point, i'm like, they're going to run out of energy to do this excitement! >> jimmy: yeah. >> but the crowd was so great, and -- and we really had a a great time and -- >> jimmy: how did you pick the order? here's a picture of you guys all hanging out. this is -- >> seinfeld -- seinfeld went on first. >> jimmy: you, rock, amy -- is that seinfeld? >> that is seinfeld. [ laughter ] yeah. he -- seinfeld -- >> jimmy: is that seinfeld's shadow? [ laughter ] that looks like, what's the deal? why am i not in the picture? >> we don't need a picture for social media! just remember your memories in person! i'm getting outta here! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i only put my shadows in pictures. [ light laughter ] i'm on "peter pan." i'm on "peter pan", on instagram! [ light laughter ] insta-pan! >> i love there's a -- there was like a "new york times" article, and it said like, it
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was like, a billion dollars worth of comedy. it's like, well, that's mostly seinfeld. that's -- [ laughter ] he's the billion dollars. >> jimmy: he could do it by himself, yeah. >> any show seinfeld does is a a billion dollars of comedy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm not really contributing much to that number. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: have you ever -- have you ever met donald trump? >> i've only been around him once, and it was actually after he did "snl." he was back there and i was like -- i'm gonna -- i got to just interact with him. and there was, like, no security or anything. i walked up right next to him. and i was just like, "how'd it go?" he's like, "show was fantastic." and i was like, "you really are that guy." that is -- that's -- [ laughter ] just very sure -- >> jimmy: that's it. more with aziz ansari after the break, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back! we are hanging out with aziz ansari, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] hosting "saturday night live" this saturday with musical guest big sean. now aziz, i know that you're a a big foodie, you love food and you probably read a lot of yelp reviews. >> mmm-hmm. >> jimmy: now i've noticed that sometimes the owners of the restaurants will respond sometimes when someone posts a a negative review and it can get a little heated. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so i've found a bunch of great yelp fights between customers and owners, and i think that we should act them out. [ laughter ] it is time for "dramatic yelp reviews." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ dramatic yelp reviews >> jimmy: now, you should know that all of these yelp reviews and restaurants responses are 100% real. [ light laughter ] these are real. >> all right. >> jimmy: so for each these, i'll be playing the customer, aziz will be playing the restaurant owner.
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here's the first one. can you change the lights and james could you get some dinner music, maybe? ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i won't be recommending this place to my friends. i'm only giving it one star. >> not recommending this place to your friends is a purely hypothetical situation. [ light laughter ] first, you'll probably need friends. [ laughter ] then, second, you'll have to be likable enough for them to visit you in denver. i hope we can survive without your theoretical friends visiting our establishment. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ouch! ♪ [ applause ] here's another one. here we go. ♪ [ laughter ] ♪
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>> jimmy: is your pasta made with eggs? i'm allergic to eggs. >> no. there are not eggs in our pasta. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how -- how can you be so sure? >> because i made the pasta myself, without eggs! [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: and nobody else would have thrown some eggs in it? [ light laughter ] >> oh, yes, now i remember. [ light laughter ] yes. we had a crazy guy yesterday in our kitchen throwing eggs all over the place, and, yes, he may have thrown some eggs in the pasta, too. who knows? [ applause ] >> jimmy: really? [ laughter ] ♪ >> not really. [ laughter and applause ]
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>> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, i remember, it was great. a guy throwing eggs. let's do another one here. >> all right. >> jimmy: dinner music, please. ♪ [ laughter ] this one is insane, man. [ laughter ] never go again! worst service. i went there for happy hour and they charged me two drinks when i only ordered one happy hour drink. i asked the bartender, he said he didn't have the right to change the bill and asked me to call the manager later since he's out. i called and they just said the manager's really busy and will call me back. as you can figure, no call at all. [ light laughter ] one star! [ laughter ] >> hi, emma.
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first of all, a manager did call you back. left a message, and you chose not to return that call. we spoke to both bartenders and they are both confident you did, in fact, have two happy hour drinks. you aren't hard to forget considering you lost control of your bowels in the middle of our restaurant, and -- you proceeded to sit in it for the sit in it for the remainder of the evening. [ audience ohs ] we had to re-route our other patrons so they didn't walk through your mess, causing quite a scene. you then proceeded to throw away your underwear in our trash can. [ light laughter ] we'd be happy to refund your entire bill with the understanding you will never return to any of our establishments until you are potty trained. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: what in the -- how is that real on any level? >> i've got to say, pretty chill place to let her get another drink after she soiled herself.
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[ laughter ] can i get one more? >> jimmy: we have time for one more. >> okay. >> jimmy: and here we go. thank you for doing this. here we go. ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: we walked inside this place twice. once when it was a sushi bar and then again after it pathetically pivoted to meet the poke fad and it stunk on both visits. the door was too spring-loaded on our return. [ laughter ] that's first off. and the food was mediocre at best for the standard $11 plus tax. one star. [ laughter ] >> we were taken aback by your use of the word pathetically in your comments about us pivoting our business model. when you mentioned the word pathetically, we can't help but visualize you sitting in front of your computer or phone crafting over 7,500 yelp reviews.
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we did some quick math and based on average review time of eight minutes, to be conservative, you have spent around 1,000 hours writing reviews. [ laughter ] that's nearly six months of a a full-time 40 hour per week job writing reviews that you are not being compensated for or improving any sort of skill set. [ laughter ] our suggestion to you is to get away from this dark, dark rabbit hole you have jumped down. [ laughter ] just think about the fact that you have spent nearly six months adding zero value to your career. start putting the same effort and focus on a craft or skill set that will get you away from your social network and start working towards career goals that will bring you happiness and fulfillment, and be sure to stop by next week and try our all new wasabi shrimp poke-bowl. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] >> jimmy: he's gonna stop by, by the way. that's all the time we have for "dramatic yelp reviews." our thanks to aziz ansari.
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[ cheers and applause ] hosting "saturday night live" this week with musical guest big sean! check that out. we'll be right back with carrie brownstein, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ (jon) hey guys. you know... one of those tax websites lets you itemize your deductions for free. which one is it? i'll give you a hint. it's the money-colored one. (1st ad) let's reset everyone. back to ones! (vo) h&r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. (jon vo) don't just get your taxes done. get your taxes won. i believe in me too. ♪ i am the unicorn of your confidence ♪
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you have to brave to8 hours of testingcation, in the 11 most crucial areas of management accounting. only 50% will pass. done. so if you're one of them, feel free to brag. you've earned it. oh yeah. i want that. who's next? i'm next. after her. after him. the cma certification. you've got to earn it. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: in addition to being an incredible musician, our next guest along with fred armisen created, writes, and stars in the emmy award winning comedy "portlandia," which is now airing its seventh season on thursdays at 10:00 p.m. on ifc. it's so funny. if you haven't seen it, you've got to watch it. everyone, please welcome the very talented carrie brownstein! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: they love you. we love you! >> thanks. >> jimmy: you look fantastic. thank you for coming back to the show. >> thanks for having me. >> jimmy: please.
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i'm so excited. i, of course, know you as a a rock star from sleater-kinney and then -- and then now "portlandia" as well, but i was doing a little research on you and found out that you were really into soap operas when you were growing up as a kid. >> yes. [ light laughter ] as a child, in the summers, i think this is common, perhaps, but in the summers i would binge watch these soaps. "general hospital." "young and the restless." >> jimmy: "general hospital" is my jam. [ light laughter ] >> really? it's your jam? >> jimmy: that was my -- yeah, nurses ball, hello. [ light laughter ] >> i can almost gurantee -- >> jimmy: that's what i'm all about. >> and "days of our lives." >> jimmy: oh! "days of our" -- oh really? so, you did all of those? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: followed all the story lines. >> that's only three hours. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a big chunk of time. >> it's a big chunk of time. >> jimmy: how into it did you get? >> well, i mean, if this is any indication, i learned sign language when pat and kayla were -- [ laughter ] on "days of our lives" and kayla went temporarily deaf in
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an accident, and patch learned bette midler's "the rose" and he signed it to her and i therefore signed it to my whole family over dinner. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: how -- how is it not touching? >> is it? >> jimmy: yeah. >> i think it was -- they were -- they were so horrified. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what, why? >> well, because i could be doing so many other things. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's true. yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, kids and soap operas, yeah. >> yeah, watching soaps. >> jimmy: but you went from that and then had to just get into music? just had bands? did you have other bands like in high school? >> yeah, well, by the way, i think there was probably a time period in between soap operas and playing guitar. like -- there has to have been. >> jimmy: there has to be some sort of -- >> there were a couple -- yeah there were some other influences. >> jimmy: i watched soap operas right up until this show. >> yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'd love to, yeah. >> yeah. it's like -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's my music to get like to. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. >> soap opera themes. >> jimmy: of course. >> no. i, yeah. i had band in high school. >> jimmy: i always love the names. i know, i don't mean to embarrass you, i'm asking a lot of embarrassing questions.
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>> yeah, no, it's fine. i was a pretty cool kid, so -- yeah, it was called born naked. [ light laughter ] so, you know when you're young and you have that -- >> jimmy: you're born. >> and born. >> jimmy: yeah. >> no, no, let me explain it, let me break this down for you. >> jimmy: okay. >> there's that moment when you're a kid and you stumble on something you're like, "that's really profound." you're like -- "oh, my god. we are all born naked." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah! that's a really profound moment. you go oh, my gosh! >> yeah, i mean -- >> jimmy: i thought of that. >> we spent five seconds thinking of that band name. yeah. >> jimmy: born naked. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but then you ended up, sleater-kinney is just -- i mean, couldn't be bigger. i don't think. and now you're coming out with a live record you never had done before? >> yeah. we -- our last record, which came out two years ago, "no cities to love," we toured extensively for it. >> jimmy: that was a fantastic record, by the way. >> thank you. >> jimmy: congrats on that. >> thank you. and we recorded a live show in paris that's been mixed and i'm really excited with it -- about it. and comes out in a week. yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. live albums are -- that's like the ultimate goal.
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>> pretty cool, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, pretty cool that you guys can play hits and you have hits to play and how many albums? [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: i think that's really cool. and then you're back "portlandia" for its seven seasons. >> yeah. >> jimmy: with our pal, fred armisen, who we love so much. and fred said that you're directing this year? >> yeah, i directed two episodes and fred directed one episode. >> jimmy: dude, that's fantastic. >> thanks. >> jimmy: he said that you're like a born director now, too. so maybe it's all of these soap operas? comes back. [ light laughter ] >> it was the soap operas, yes. >> jimmy: goes back to that, yeah. >> this is a pretty dramatic season of the show of "portlandia." yeah. >> jimmy: it really is. >> yes. >> jimmy: but the one you did last year, where it was almost like a bonnaroo thing, but you don't have to go to bonnaroo. it wasn't bonnaroo but it was like that. >> yeah it was coachella's virtual reality. [ laughter ] so you just stay in your house, and this is where we're headed. you just stay in your house you and put a helmet on and drone. you pay someone to get -- and little drones go and watch the show for you. >> jimmy: yeah. and you're sitting there with fred with these giant helmets on. like this is pretty fun! >> i think that -- i think the future will be that the band
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will send drones in place of themselves, too. so it's just drones watching drones. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's so creative and so funny. you guys got to check it out. i want to show everyone a clip here, it's carrie brownstein and fred armisen in the new season of "portlandia." take a look at this. >> i found an old jar of yours. >> uh-huh. >> do want to bring it over? >> no. kevin, i don't need that jar but thank you. >> it's really clean. >> um. >> don't you think it's weird how we don't even see each other? >> why don't you go out on a a nice walk today. >> where should i walk? >> talk to you later, you have a good day. i'm so sorry. >> that's okay. >> towny, you're home? >> what is -- >> i was just going on a walk. >> that's candace? >> i've got something to tell you. >> okay. >> i'm dying. >> ah! >> oh, my god. >> no, he's not. i'm used to this. she doesn't -- >> candace, this is shawna and -- >> is that how you want to first meet my girlfriend? >> it feels like i'm dying because i'm exhausted. >> get up here. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: carrie brownstein, "portlandia" airs thursdays at 10:00 p.m. on ifc. we'll be right back with a a performance from panic! at the disco!
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stick around! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hi guys, i want to get your opinions on the first - ever chevy cruze hatch... but more importantly, i wanted to get your opinions. (bark) you wanna check it out? (bark) the cruze has apple carplay compatibility. so when you plug your iphone in, some of your favorite apps show up. (bark) plenty of space for all of mia's friends. or not. gotta go! current qualified lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this first-ever cruze hatchback. plus, find your tag and get an additional $500 lease cash on select chevy vehicles. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm. for a healing night's sleep.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: tonight's musical guest is nominated -- and should win -- for a grammy for best rock album for "death of a a bachelor." [ cheers and applause ] and will kick off headlining arena tour next month. performing the album's title track, with a little help from the roots, please welcome panic! at the disco. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ do i look lonely i see the shadows on my face people have told me i don't look the same ♪ ♪ maybe i lost weight or i'm playing hooky ♪ ♪ with the best of the best
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pull my heart out my chest so that you can see it too ♪ ♪ i'm walking the long road watching the sky fall ♪ ♪ the lace in your dress tangles my neck how do i live ♪ ♪ the death of a bachelor oh oh oh letting the water fall ♪ ♪ the death of a bachelor oh oh oh seems so fitting for ♪ ♪ happily ever after wooo how could i ask for more ♪ ♪ lifetime of laughter at the expense of the death of a bachelor ♪ ♪ i'm cutting my mind off feels like my heart is going to burst ♪ ♪ alone at a table for two and i just want to be served ♪
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♪ and when you think of me am i the best you've ever had ♪ ♪ share one more drink with me ♪ smile even though you're sad ♪ ♪ i'm walking the long road watching the sky fall ♪ ♪ the lace in your dress tangles my neck how do i live ♪ ♪ the death of a bachelor oh oh oh letting the water fall ♪ ♪ the death of a bachelor oh oh oh seems so fitting for ♪ ♪ happily ever after whooo how could i ask for more ♪ ♪ lifetime of laughter at the expense of the death of a bachelor ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ the death of a bachelor oh oh oh letting the water fall ♪ ♪ the death of a bachelor oh oh oh seems so fitting for ♪ ♪ happily ever after wooo how could i ask for more ♪ ♪ lifetime of laughter at the expense of the death of a bachelor ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on! come on! that's how -- that's how it's
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done! that's how it's done! oh, my goodness! [ cheers and applause ] panic at the disco! standing ovation! "death of a bachelor" is available now! we'll be right back. oh, my goodness! that is how it's done! [ cheers and applause ] with the xfinity tv app,
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to aziz ansari, carrie brownstein, panic! at the disco! [ cheers and applause ] and the roots, right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania! [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- jim parsons. star of "gotham," ben mckenzie. co-hosts of "pod save america," jon favreau and dan pfeiffer. featuring the 8g band with leah shapiro. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers ] great to hear. always great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. today is president obama's final day in office, and i just want to say, mr. president, you weren't great for comedy. [ light laughter ] you were always sincere and eloquent. you never had a scandal or fell

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