tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC June 23, 2017 11:34pm-12:38am PDT
okay the world's ugliest dug. goes to tiny that dog is not ugly. >> 125 pound being mastiff the sonoma fair. 3-year-old rescued by owner when nearly blind but after several surgeries she can see again. martha is not ugly. she is getting a bum rap. martha is pretty. >> have a great weekend. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- keanu reeves. cat deeley. comedian ali kolbert.
and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 699! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you very much. oh, my goodness. hey! guys, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show," baby. this is it. this is the show. [ cheers and applause ] happy friday. happy friday to you. here's what people are talking
about, you guys. president trump held a big rally in iowa this week. but at one point -- did you hear about this, he proposed an immigration rule that's already been a law since 1996. [ laughter ] then it got worse, when trump said that we should end prohibition and put a man on the moon. [ laughter and applause ] "ah, mr. president, these have all been done." did you see this, the new york times actually referred to trump's rally as a "venting session." [ light laughter ] or as trump calls it, "twitter live." [ laughter and applause ] "get it? live streaming." trump also reminded his supporters that he pulled the u.s. out of the trans-pacific partnership, and he used a pretty interesting phrase to make his point. take a look at this. >> we don't even talk about it anymore, because that was done early. but trans-pacific partnership, bye-bye. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: bye-bye, bye-bye. bye-bye. bye-bye. [ light laughter ] we actually noticed that trump likes to say that a lot. "bye-bye." check this out. >> bye-bye.
bye-bye. bye-bye. bye-bye. bye-bye. bye-bye. ♪ ain't no lie baby bye-bye-bye bye-bye ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: wow. ain't no lie. >> jimmy: you know -- you know, i can't. you know he's watching. i can't do it. [ laughter ] you guys, here's some good news. yesterday the government ruled that the grizzly bears in yellowstone national park are no longer endangered. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's right. it's good. because there are now more than 700 roaming around the park, yeah. [ light laughter ] and people camping at yellowstone were like, "wait, what? what's going on?" [ laughter and applause ] "700 bears roaming -- what the hell is going on? that's crazy." check this out, though, i saw that amazon is going to stream thursday night nfl games to prime subscribers this season. yeah. [ cheers ] that means amazon bought nfl games and whole foods in the same week. [ laughter ] it's like amazon got drunk and
started buying things on amazon. [ laughter and applause ] it's like finally -- we see what -- i don't remember ordering all of these purple bow ties. well, this -- this is a little strange here. oregon just passed a law that lets drivers keep roadkill for food. [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] although if you're someone who's willing to eat roadkill, something tells me you really don't care how legal it is. [ laughter ] "you gonna eat that squirrel?" "i think we should check with the law first." "all right." [ laughter ] "you're right." >> steve: "sheriff johnson?" >> jimmy: "call -- call the sheriff, i'll wait." [ laughter ] i thought this was nice. a baby who was born on an indian airline flight is being gifted free flights for life. [ audience ohs ] meanwhile, the guy who sat next to her for eight hours got nothing. [ laughter ] he's like, "you've got to be kidding me. something? a t-shirt?" and finally big news, i saw that mexican president enrique pena nieto signed a a bill this week, legalizing medical marijuana.
yeah. [ cheers and applause ] big news. big news. so finally, people will be able to get drugs in mexico. [ laughter and applause ] finally. we have a great show tonight. give up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, roots. happy friday, everybody. we have a great show tonight. he stars in two brand new movies, "to the bone" and "the bad batch." keanu reeves is here. >> steve: woah! [ cheers and applause ] woah! >> jimmy: you can't get any cooler. >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: you can't get any cooler than keanu reeves, man. later in the show keanu and i are going head to head in "the whisper challenge." >> steve: ooh. [ audience oohs ] >> jimmy: stay tuned for that. plus we love her. she's the host of "so you think
you can dance" and the new game show "big star little star," cat deeley is dropping by. >> steve: woah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and we have stand-up from a very funny comedian. ali kolbert, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ali kolbert. so, interesting story, ali worked for the nbc page program and actually interned at "the tonight show." [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: she was an intern here and now, she's going to make her television debut. >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: here on "the tonight show." i hear, she's very funny. we love her. like a proud -- like a proud papa over here. yeah. [ light laughter ] guys, today is friday. that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. you know, i check my inbox, return some emails, and of course, i send thank you notes. and i was just wondering -- [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: what's up, jimmy. >> jimmy: guys, i was -- i just
was wondering if i could really write out some thank you notes right now. is that cool? do you mind? i'm just running behind. [ cheers and applause ] mini drake, mini drake, you cool with that? >> steve: yeah, i'm good, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you want to ride your little dirt bike? >> steve: i'd love to. [ imitating dirt bike ] [ dirt bike crash ] [ sirens ] i'm okay. >> jimmy: all right, cool. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, mattel, for introducing 15 new ken dolls. [ light laughter ] or as i like to call it "the bachelorette: barbie edition." there you go. [ laughter and applause ] wha-boom! >> steve: wha-boom! man bun! ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, videos
that automatically play when i open a website, for introducing me to the fun new game "where the hell is that noise coming from"? [ laughter and applause ] that's a movie? ♪ thank you, ouija boards, for proving that even ghosts would rather text than talk to people. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: a, b. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: jelly beans. >> steve: jelly beans? >> jimmy: the ghost says jelly beans. how do they know about jelly belly's? there's no way. light as a feather, stiff as a a board. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, tiny plastic baggies, for meaning one of two things. hard drugs, or extra buttons. [ laughter and applause ] in case you lose your button. >> steve: i don't know which. >> jimmy: i got 20 bags of extra buttons. [ light laughter ]
>> steve: i'm going to save these in a drawer. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: with a thousand others buttons. >> jimmy: next to the mustard packets, and a couple of batteries. [ light laughter ] >> steve: and three rubber bands. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, pockets on bathing suits, for giving me a a nice convenient place to destroy my phone. [ laughter and applause ] there you go. that's perfect. >> steve: ooh. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, hand sanitizer, for being the most efficient way to find out you have a cut on your hand. [ laughter and applause ] do you ever use the one in the hallway over here? >> steve: never. i don't believe in it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? >> steve: i don't believe in that junk. >> jimmy: what are you talking about? >> steve: it's all a bunch of hooey. so-called doctors telling me to get safe. >> jimmy: no doctors are telling you to get safe -- >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: just in the hallway, nbc puts 'em out, and you put your hand under it. >> steve: i know. yeah, nbc puts 'em up, sure. [ laughter ] i'm not falling for that. >> jimmy: who do you think puts -- do you think it's a a bunch of vandals come around putting hand -- >> steve: no, it's all a
a conspiracy, to get all the microbes gone on the earth. guess what, i like my dirt. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, nasa. for announcing you're planning a mission to sample gas on uranus. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ at this point, you guys are just trolling us. i mean, come on. what are you -- what am i supposed to do? [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: come on. we're not supposed to love that? ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, nametags, for being the one time it's okay to stare at someone's chest to get to know them better. [ laughter and applause ] down to our last one. >> steve: aw. [ audience aws ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, swim caps and goggles for turning everyone into pitbull. there you go, everybody. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] that is it. my thank you notes.
we'll be right back with keanu reeves! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ okay. got it. rumor confirmed. they're playing. -what? -we gotta go. -where? -san francisco. -when? -friday. we gotta go. [ tires screech ] any airline. any hotel. any time. go where you want, when you want with no blackout dates. [ muffled music coming from club. "blue monday" by new order. cheers. ] ♪ how does it feel the travel rewards credit card from bank of america. it's travel, better connected. the travel rewards credit card from bank of america. only t-mobile gives you 4 lines of unlimited data for forty dollars. taxes and fees already included. that'll save you hundreds. plus, right now get a free samsung galaxy s8 when you buy one. hurry in to t-mobile today.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a a fantastic actor who stars in the new movie "to the bone" which will be available on netflix july 14th. you can also see him in the new film "the bad batch" which is in theaters and on demand everywhere today. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome keanu reeves! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: keanu! they love you so much. they don't even want to sit down. you can't when keanu reeves is on the show. >> it's summer time! it's friday night. >> jimmy: it's exciting! it's new york city. that's what i'm talking about. >> right on.
>> jimmy: keanu reeves, i love saying your name. it is a -- it's exciting for me to say your name. it's a movie star name. and probably growing up, you probably didn't think it was a a movie star name. >> no. >> jimmy: no. but it is. keanu reeves. you ever -- did you ever think that -- >> keanu reeves. yeah. >> jimmy: i heard that you maybe thought for a little second of maybe changing your name or your agents or somebody brought up -- >> oh, the beginning story. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> okay, so i'm 20-years-old and i'm going to drive in my first car. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i'm going to drive to hollywood. and i get there and my manager -- my agent said, welcome. >> jimmy: wow. this is a great story. >> great to see you. [ laughter ] and i'm all excited. they say great to see you, but we want to change your name. >> jimmy: this is the truth. this is hollywood. this is fantastic. >> oh, yeah. no, i mean they did it the first day i got there. i mean literally, i'm like, hey, man. they're like change your name. so anyways so -- >> jimmy: they don't think keanu reeves is hirable? >> i'm not going to talk about that. so anyway, so -- [ laughter ]
they -- so they say, okay. well, help us out. so, i go to the ocean. because this is a big deal for me. right? it's my name. that's my name. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> and -- and i literally go to the ocean. >> jimmy: and you scream it's my name! >> what's my name? and -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is so -- "what's my name?" into a seashell, and then you toss the shell into the thing and it comes back with a name. and what does the shell tell you your name is? >> chuck spedina. >> jimmy: there you go. there you go. that's it. chuck spedina. >> and then i tell them that and they are like, no. and i'm like, what's wrong with chuck spedina? isn't that kind of a direction you want? and they're like -- >> jimmy: dude, your name was almost chuck spedina. >> yeah. >> jimmy: is my favorite thing. >> no, but then they didn't like that. so then i went -- >> jimmy: you went back to the ocean. >> yeah, no. >> jimmy: you went to a cliff? >> no, i was getting better at it now. i'm like, okay. >> jimmy: you're somewhere. you're at the top of your -- >> they don't want -- they don't that -- >> jimmy: from a rooftop. >> yeah. so, i was like, how about templeton page-taylor.
[ laughter ] i figured i was like kind of going, you know, that way and then that way. >> jimmy: it's perfect. because the only thing they can say is, let's just stick with keanu reeves. [ laughter ] chuck spedina. >> i tried to wear them down. >> jimmy: chuck spedina is my favorite thing i've ever heard of in my entire life. i wish that for one movie -- >> you kind of have a a chuck spedina look. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> they know what i'm talking about. >> jimmy: nobody knows what you're talking about. >> you know. >> jimmy: i'm a chuck spedina. [ cheers and applause ] slow it up. i know chuck spedina and i am no chuck spedina. have you ever seen the website keanuisimmortal.com? or heard about this? >> i've heard about it recently. >> jimmy: this is -- this is fans of yours. you have a lot of great fans out there. and what they do is they find old paintings and old pictures from the like the 1500s of dudes that look like you. [ laughter ]
>> okay. >> jimmy: you have been on the earth since the earth -- since you've just been around, it's just different generations. i just wanted to show you just incase -- >> we are all star dust, baby. >> jimmy: i know! >> you know? >> jimmy: what is my name? [ light laughter ] look at this. >> okay. so what do we got? >> jimmy: look at this, portrait, this is early 1500s. portrait of a man. [ cheers ] what do you think? >> what does this got going on? >> jimmy: yeah, he's like -- >> what does that -- oh like the -- >> jimmy: it's a gang sign -- that's a gang sign back in the -- >> what is he doing? >> jimmy: you have a lot of -- >> but i do -- i can see it. we have a likeness in the eyes, in the nose, and in the mustache and the beard and cheekbones. [ light laughter ] and the forehead. >> jimmy: look at that guy. that's a french actor, paul mounet. >> yeah, we have the same foreheadish eyebrow thing. >> jimmy: i like his mustache. >> of course you do. you can do the d'artagnan. you're just missing -- >> jimmy: i can't do the d'artagnan.
>> the d'artagnan and you can be -- >> jimmy: no three musketeers references here. but that's the -- oh. [ light laughter ] no, i kind of see -- >> it's revolutionary. got the eyes. >> jimmy: i can kind of see it. >> the revolution -- get the beard. >> jimmy: i was thinking about it and i go, you do look exactly the same since i first met you and i met you years ago. >> yeah, we go way back. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] i don't know if you actually said a word to me, but i did meet you at the mtv movie awards. >> oh yes. yes. yes. >> jimmy: yeah. and here's a picture of us. in the year 2000. >> wow. [ cheers and applause ] what is this here? >> jimmy: i was your -- i was your travel agent. >> no, i was like, were you selling drugs? [ laughter ] i'm like, you look like -- you're like, hey, reeves. >> jimmy: i look like chuck spedina is what i look like. [ laughter ] let me see if i can put a a mustache that on.
>> are you gonna draw a a mustache? you gonna give yourself horns? >> jimmy: no, no, no. this -- this -- i think this is all i need. and then this is totally -- >> there it is. there it is. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: what is -- what is going on with this -- wow. man oh man, what a -- >> it's style, man. >> jimmy: and you probably totally remember any -- doing that. taking that photo. >> yeah. >> jimmy: your face is like, who is this idiot? get me -- i'm in the wrong room. i'm in the wrong room is what your face is saying. >> no, it looks like i'm in "the matrix" world in there. >> jimmy: you are. this is matrix style. absolutely. >> yeah, it's matrix time. >> jimmy: yeah, this is -- this is neo. >> yeah. well i'm not -- i'm not -- i'm not like that anymore. >> jimmy: no, no. >> i'm a little older. >> jimmy: no, what are you talking about? you're everything. this is -- i'd love every -- you are. dude, that's go back to the ocean for a second. [ laughter ] and say am i everything? and the ocean will answer you back, yes. we're all star dust, baby. >> we're all star dust, baby. >> jimmy: seriously, every movie i see you in i always say i love it and i'm not lying. last time i saw you was "john wick: 2" and i love that as
well. [ cheers and applause ] this one -- this one is a good one. it's an odd one. you went for it on this one. >> "the bad batch." >> jimmy: "the bad batch." and your name is the dream, or is it -- >> i play the dream. >> jimmy: the dream. and i swear -- so can you explain what the film is about. >> okay, "the bad batch" is directed by a wonderful, fantastic director, ana lily amirpour. stars beautiful wonderful suki waterhouse. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and it follows the exploits, adventures, misadventures of a a young woman who's been exiled to a desert kind of jail. she's been stamped and marked one of the bad batch. and then we follow her as she meets certain tribes of people and characters. there is a tribe that kind of -- that eats people. [ laughter ] and then i am part of a town called comfort. and kind of i give comfort to people and my name is the dream. and i have some beautiful young women who have t-shirts that say the dream is inside me. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: get your mind out of the gutter. >> anyway. >> jimmy: it means the dream is inside all of us. >> there's these different kind of worlds. and it's just following this woman kind of trying to come into her own. >> jimmy: i just want to show people a picture of what the dream looks like. >> oh, okay. cool. >> jimmy: do you guys want to see the dream? >> cool. [ cheers and applause ] cool. >> jimmy: here's the dream. yeah. [ laughter ] wow. that is fantastic. this is legendary. [ cheers and applause ] this is a legendary character. >> he is. >> jimmy: i love this so much. >> i love the dream. >> jimmy: yeah. this could really be chuck spedina as well. [ laughter ] >> no, no, no. >> jimmy: yeah. >> chuck spedina's uncle. >> jimmy: this is jerry spedina. >> it's jerry spedina. >> jimmy: hey, keep it in the family, man. >> he bought a cadillac kit. do you know how long the spedina's have been working in this business? [ laughter ] >> bought a cadillac. >> jimmy: i went to the ocean. they almost changed my name to
keanu reeves. >> thought it was ridiculous. >> jimmy: yeah, i want to show a clip. here is keanu reeves in "the bad batch." take a look at this. >> that's right. all of us here, we weren't good enough, smart enough, young enough, healthy enough, wealthy enough, sane enough. [ cheers ] these parasites. [ cheers ] this here is the bad batch. >> hell yes, bitches! >> we ain't good. we're bad. [ cheers ] >> "the bad batch!" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he is the dream. keanu reeves. [ cheers and applause ] keanu and i are playing the whisper challenge when we come back. stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ twenty years from now... ...you will be more disappointed... ...by the things you didn't do... ...than by the ones you did do. [beep, beep, beep, beep] [tires screech] wooo! so throw off the bowlines. ♪ sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover. corolla with toyota safety sense standard. toyota. let's go places. it's not easy to brew a beer this easy to drink. bud light is tasted by brewmasters every step of the process. it's a tough job, but for you and your friends, it's worth it. we don't just brew beer. we brew beer for friends. what's that? p3 planters nuts, jerky and we don't jusseeds. beer. i like a variety in my protein. totally, that's why i have this uh trail mix. wow minty. p3 snacks. the more interesting way to get your protein.
only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol® we, the tv loving people, roooooaaar!!! want our whole house to be filled with entertainment. easy boy! but we don't want annual contracts and hardware. you scoundrel! we just want to stream live tv. and we want it for 10 dollars a month. (batman:raspy) wow. i'd like that in my house. it's a very big house. yeah, mine too. look at us. just two bros with sick houses. high five. directv now. a big streaming deal for $10 a month. it's entertainment your way. ♪ subway $6 footlong sub of the day. big on taste, small on price. ♪ dance on over!
allthat was amazing.e sitting. the ceiling is all spider webs. we missed grandpa's 99th birthday. i'm actively trying to stand up right now. and his funeral. oh i have a beard. oh! a chip. (laughter) binge watching isn't always rewarding. but hotels.com is. thanks captain obvious. how long have you been here? unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. hotels.com.
♪ >> jimmy: welcome back. welcome back, everybody. we are hanging out with keanu reeves! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy fallon! >> jimmy: his new movie, "the bad batch" is in theaters and on demand today. keanu and i are about to play "the whisper challenge." [ cheers ] >> whisper challenge. >> jimmy: there you go. now here's how the game works. you can play with us at home. don't play it now, but you can play it on the weekend. one person puts on these headphones. soundproof headphones with loud, loud music playing. okay? the other person picks up a a card, okay? and i will read a random phrase or you read the random phrase on the card. the person wearing the headphones has to try and guess what they just said. this is fun. >> it's fun, yeah! okay. >> jimmy: put on the head phones. you don't play parlor games? >> what? >> jimmy: no, it's not on your
head yet. [ light laughter ] >> oh. >> jimmy: here we go. good? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay. he loves playing games. keanu loves playing games. here we go. ready? all right. ready? >> oh, jesus. what? >> jimmy: downward facing dog. >> shepherd -- front -- sock. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: downward -- >> what? i'm just saying what. >> jimmy: downward facing dog. >> face shepherd -- german shepherd face? i don't even know what that is. [ laughter ] i'm just going into -- okay. >> jimmy: downward. downward. >> what? >> jimmy: downward. forget it.
it was downward facing dog is what it was. [ cheers and applause ] all right, here we go. let me try. sorry, i was trying to do a a yoga pose. doing a yoga pose. >> that was yoga. >> jimmy: yes. it was yoga. >> oh. okay. okay. frozen fish sticks. >> jimmy: fruity fish sticks. >> he's amazing. >> frozen. >> jimmy: ferocient. [ laughter ] >> wait, what is it again? frozen. >> jimmy: frokie. >> frozen! >> jimmy: frokie. fankie. frozen. fish sticks! >> yes. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yes! that was good. >> you're amazing. >> jimmy: woo! >> i mean like -- >> jimmy: this is good. >> you're amazing. >> jimmy: all right. frozen fish sticks. we go that one. >> oh my god.
>> jimmy: all right. here we go. >> we are in trouble. >> jimmy: it won't be downward facing dog. it will be much worse. [ laughter ] >> go. [ laughter ] go. do it. say it. >> jimmy: cock-a-doodle-doo. >> really bad things are going through my mind. >> jimmy: okay. cock. [ laughter ] >> dog. >> jimmy: a-doodle. >> coo da-doodle. >> dog riding. >> jimmy: doodle! doo! [ crowing ] >> cock-a-doodle-doo. >> jimmy: yes. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i just read the last one. look, that was the clue. you just make something up and i'll guess what you're saying. >> okay. [ light laughter ] okay, what do we want him to say? anybody have a suggestion? >> chuck spedina. [ laughter ] >> okay, we'll make it easy.
okay, you ready? >> jimmy: check me out! shave the mustache? chuck spedina! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: keanu reeves, everybody! cat deeley joins us after the break. stick around. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ♪oh, my love ♪my darlin' ♪i've hungered for your touch papa, hola! ♪i've hungered for your touch
no, no no, no no no! ♪i'll be coming home, wait for me♪ how was your vacation? hey, guys, what's this tomato doing at randy's desk? [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. you know, that actually reminds me, steve. i got you something. aloha! mangoes can get sunburned. put some flavor in your break- with new snapple mango tea- make time for snapple. ♪ ♪
[laughs] ♪ you have a side that is retired ♪ ♪ playing tag and gettin' tired. ♪ ♪ you have a side that saves for their tuition. ♪ ♪ but right now it looks like bedtime is the mission. ♪ ♪ a side that owns your own store. ♪ ♪ looks like you need to expand some more. ♪ ♪ that's why there's nationwide. ♪ ♪ they help protect and grow your many sides. ♪ ♪ nationwide is on your side. have to travel from its source to the bottle? a hundred miles? a thousand miles? how about less than a mile and a half? crystal geyser always bottled at the mountain source.
how fafrom its sourcelpine spring to the bottle?travel ♪ how about less than a mile and a half? crystal geyser is the only major us spring water bottled at the mountain source. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is the emmy nominated host of "so you think you can dance" which airs mondays at 8:00 p.m. on fox. she's hosting a new game show called "big star little star" airing wednesdays at 9:00 p.m. on usa. everyone please welcome cat deeley. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ >> jimmy: they love you. welcome, welcome back to the show. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and happy belated birthday, i want to say. >> thank you. yes, i turn 40 this year, would you believe? [ cheers and applause ] i'm just lovely. >> jimmy: look like a baby, yeah. >> i never -- this is lovely. i never thought i'd get that old. but yeah, my husband surprised me. he threw a surprise party. >> jimmy: do you like surprise parties? >> no. hate them. absolutely hate them. >> jimmy: i don't like them either. >> somebody's only got to bring out a cake with a candle on and a vague waft of happy birthday and i get all hot and i get like, pink. and i don't know what to do with myself. >> jimmy: where did they do it? >> they did it in a restaurant down in malibu, at nobu, down there, which is one of my faves. and then he told me, we're gonna go away. we might go somewhere where it's a bit cold at night so you might need to wrap up a little bit. and i thought we were going to go horse riding, or doing
something like that. >> jimmy: that's nice. >> anyway, he flew everybody over from england. mom, dad, brother, kids, the works. [ audience awws ] and so i walked into the restaurant and i saw everybody there and in a very melodramatic scarlett o'hara type of way, i fell to my knees and cried. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did you really? >> yes. >> jimmy: aww, because you love everybody so much? >> really, really badly. >> jimmy: i think you're crying, now you're tearing up now. >> it's real. and my dad said to everybody, oh, she's going to cry. she's going to cry. >> jimmy: she's gonna cry, yeah. >> she's going to blart. they call it blarting in england. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> have you ever heard of that before? >> jimmy: no. >> blarting. >> jimmy: blart. >> she's going to -- she's gonna blart -- >> jimmy: she's gonna blart all over the place. yeah. [ laughter ] >> i blarted left, right, center. >> jimmy: and you did. >> i did. but i had a lovely time. >> jimmy: it was worth it. you see? >> and then we all went and stayed at this house on the beach that my husband had got. and then it wasn't until a a couple of weeks ago. i saw it on "big little lies." >> jimmy: yeah. >> what is -- "big little lies."
and it was -- >> jimmy: the one with reese witherspoon and nicole kidman. >> yes. yes. i was like, i have danced in that kitchen inebriated. >> jimmy: wait a second. [ laughter ] >> i was like, oh my lord. >> jimmy: you rented that house? >> yes. >> jimmy: yes! that's the best! that's a double present. >> isn't it? >> jimmy: that's a double present, triple present. >> and i danced around very drunk in the kitchen. >> jimmy: yeah, well you have to. they put you in -- everyone ends up in the kitchen. >> everybody ends up in the kitchen. >> jimmy: if you do it right, everybody ends up in the kitchen, yeah. yeah. >> right? >> jimmy: partying, yeah. so you have another reason to celebrate. since i saw you last you had a a little baby. >> i did. a little boy called milo. >> jimmy: oh, congratulations. >> he's amazing. and i love him so -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: and you smell him and you squeeze him. >> it's eating me away being away from him. and we actually have your dada book and he did say it first, damn you. >> jimmy: yes! [ laughter ] >> he said dada first. >> jimmy: my book, yeah, "your baby's first word --" >> it works. >> jimmy: yeah, if it works. if you just tell them that every word is dada they just believe that every word is dada. >> you are indoctrinating kids across america. mothers everywhere hate you. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. yeah. i'm putting -- hate -- i'm putting out a mama book to equal it off. >> are you? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah. >> no, but are you just doing weird reverse psychology so
they don't say mama either? >> jimmy: no, no. no. this one is -- >> i wouldn't put it past you, fallon. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. you think i'm smart but i'm not. [ laughter ] >> but he still says words and things like that, but he's huge. my -- we've got a huge baby. we tried to take him across -- [ laughter ] i know, which i'm -- >> jimmy: yeah, you're a tiny person. yeah, you got a -- but a huge baby is the best baby. >> yes, except when you are trying to fit it in a bassinet on ba. then it's a nightmare. >> jimmy: how old is he? >> i've essentially got a laker that i'm trying to squeeze into a bassinet. like he's off the charts. >> jimmy: but he's too old for a bassinet. >> well, he is now. but whenever we first took him, even at six months -- >> jimmy: well maybe you're putting him in baby furniture. this is for an american girl doll. of course he's not going to fit in there. [ laughter ] this is -- the furniture is too small for the baby. yeah. >> it's true. but he's got like -- and he's got a massive head. >> jimmy: i love babies with big heads. >> but, no, no. i mean off the charts huge head. like, like, they mentioned -- you know how you have to take them every two months to get -- >> jimmy: with the doctor, yeah, to put -- >> and they measure everything and they test them and do the thing.
and they measured his head and everybody went out of the doctor's office like quietly mumbling to themselves. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not true. >> and i was like, i swear, i swear. and then they came back -- the nurse came back in with a tape measure and went, mrs. kielty can i just measure your head, for a second? and she measured it and she went, oh, it's fine. it's -- head, your fine. it's -- because my head is huge. >> jimmy: you have a huge head? >> yeah, and like it's a man's extra large hat situation. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is why it's good to come on the show. because i have such a big head that -- >> do you? >> jimmy: your head looks normal. >> let's have a look? >> jimmy: yeah. >> i need a mustache though really. don't i? >> jimmy: yeah, you really do. no. do not draw on your -- oh, i thought you were going to draw. [ laughter ] that's good. i was like, don't draw on that pretty face. >> i love the mustache, by the way. >> jimmy: you do? >> i had a huge crush on tom selleck from the age of 4-years-old. >> jimmy: really? [ light laughter ] i want to talk about your show. >> i'm sorry. >> jimmy: so you think can -- i know. >> i'm distracted. >> jimmy: or we'll talk about tom selleck all night. "so you think you can dance." you have a new judge vanessa hudgens.
>> yeah. >> jimmy: who we love. we just had her on the show. >> she's amazing. >> jimmy: she's super fun. >> she just got up and danced with everybody. thrown herself into it. she's so cool. >> jimmy: that's fun. >> yeah, really cool. >> jimmy: but i want to talk about "big star little star." >> yeah. >> jimmy: cause you had -- cause i think this sounds like so much fun. >> it is. it's kind of like a version of "the newlywed game" meets "kids say the darnedest things." so like, celebrities come on with their kids and it's the one person who knows them better in the world. >> jimmy: of course. >> and doesn't care what they say. they don't what they say, they don't care how they say it. >> jimmy: oh no. >> it's brilliant. >> jimmy: i know, i love it. the idea is fantastic. >> it's funny. and we make them feel really comfortable. and it's like -- it's like being shot in my lounge actually. so it's really sweet. it doesn't feel weird and forced. it just feels like everybody is having a really good time. it's fun. >> jimmy: i want to show a clip of an upcoming episode with mario lopez who we love. he's the -- he's another stud, too. we love him. >> he is. he is. >> jimmy: i want to show everyone, here it is. it's the new game show. "big star little star" on usa. check it out. >> three, two, one, go. ♪ [ laughter ] >> it's your -- it's your favorite -- it's your -- what do you want for christmas? [ laughter ] what's your whole list about on christmas?
>> poop emojis. >> there you go. [ laughter ] >> yes. go. >> you play it. i got a bat. we go to the dodgers. >> baseball. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> yay, good girl. >> what does daddy do all the time? >> boxing. >> yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> what were we for halloween? [ laughter ] >> cowboys and cowgirls. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what a show. we love you. cat deeley, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "big star little star" airs wednesdays at 9:00 p.m. on usa. and "so you think you can dance" airs mondays at 8:00 p.m. on fox. we'll be right back with stand-up from comedian ali kolbert. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ no splashing! wait, so you got rid of verizon, just like that? uh huh. i switched to t-mobile, kept my phone everything on it
oh, they even paid it off! wow! yeah, it's nice that every bad decision doesn't have to be permanent! now you can ditch verizon but keep your phone. we'll even pay it off when you switch to t-mobile. wiback like it could used to? neutrogena hydro boost water gel. with hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. for supple, hydrated skin. hydro boost. from neutrogena ♪ subway $6 footlong sub of the day. big on taste, small on price. ♪ dance on over! readwinner gets the cheetos! it's go time.
lights out. ok, not funny you guys. this is not how we play hide and seek. that's what you think pops. [from the bathroom]: alright, very funny, let me out. and the student has surpassed the master. ♪ twenty years from now... ...you will be more disappointed... ...by the things you didn't do... ...than by the ones you did do. [beep, beep, beep, beep] [tires screech] wooo! so throw off the bowlines. ♪ sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover. corolla with toyota safety sense standard. toyota. let's go places.
listen, do you hear that? you always h... have been... my! best.... friend. forever. to friendship. music: (piano cover of guns n' roses "sweet child o' mine) ♪ swhen it comes to molding young minds, nobody does it better. she also builds her own fighting robots. destroy. but when it comes to mortgages, she's less confident. fortunately for sarah, there's rocket mortgage by quicken loans. it's simple, so she can understand the details
she's very funny, making her television debut. everyone, please welcome ali kolbert. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, guys! thank you so much. thank you. oh, my god. this is so exciting. i know what you guys are probably thinking. you know, where are this little girl's parents? [ light laughter ] i'm actually older than i look. i turned 14 last week. [ cheers ] double digits, thank you! i actually just got back from amsterdam. i was visiting -- [ cheers ] yeah, i was visiting my sister. she's living and working there now. as a whore. [ laughter ] so. you know, it's ironic, she has always been my parents' favorite.
and now she's everyone's favorite. [ laughter ] when i got back from amsterdam, i went to my parents' house. i love going home until i get there. [ light laughter ] and then i'm like, oh, that's right. i hate this. [ laughter ] like, i feel like going home is like you wake up, and suddenly you're a cast member on the tv show "survivor." you're like, i've made it four days. i think i can make it to the fifth. [ laughter ] i don't really want to share food with my sister anymore, and quite frankly, i think the tribe would be stronger without her. [ laughter and applause ] the one good thing about going home is that i get to see my dog. and my dog was recently diagnosed with diabetes. aws yeah, and yet, when he was, we considered putting him down,
but my grandpa also has diabetes and -- we didn't put him down so. [ laughter ] figured we'd give it a shot, you know. whenever i'm home, my mom likes to comment on everything i eat. because we have -- we have a a really healthy relationship. she -- she really wants me to get back down to my original weight, of six pounds, seven ounces. [ laughter ] i'll get there, mom. my mom and i, we actually look a lot alike. so whenever anyone meets us side by side for the first time, they always go, "oh, my god, are you two sisters? you two look like sisters." and i never know what to say to that. like, yeah, this is my sister that fools around with my dad. [ laughter ] this is my weird sister.
but like, it's not always easy looking young. like it's not fun for me to be 23 and baby-faced, because you're never sexy. you're always cute. you know, and girls want to be sexy. like i remember when i was in college, my friends would get dressed up for halloween and they'd be like, the sexy librarian. or the sexy nurse, and i'd just be like, the rabbit. [ laughter ] hey, i'm a rabbit. trix are for kids. i'm over here. [ laughter ] and i have a lot of the same friends now, that i did when i was in college. and i've noticed recently, that all groups of friends have one member of their friend group where every time they hang out they very seriously debate whether or not to invite this person. [ laughter ] they're like, let's get together. do we have to tell jessica? like this person is the human version of an iphone software update.
[ laughter ] just every couple of days. you ready for me? you ready for me? and you're like, try me tomorrow. try me tomorrow. [ laughter ] and this is -- this is often the person that, when they leave an event, you'll all turn to each other and go, wow, she was really good today. she was so good today. like what sort of person are you, that your friends are surprised when you're somewhat tolerable to spend time with? [ laughter ] i was going to go to my friend's apartment later tonight. and i called her up before, i was like, "hey, i'm going to come over. do you have wine? otherwise i'll bring some?" and she was like, "i'm not really in the mood to drink." and i was like, "okay, well, do you have any pot?" [ light laughter ] and she said, "no." and i was like, "okay, well, do you have any xanax?" and she said, "no." and i was like, "listen, just tell me if you don't want me to
come over." [ laughter ] you guys, thank you so much. i'm ali kolbert. you guys were so much fun. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ali kolbert right there! you can see ali at the stand comedy club here in new york tomorrow night. we'll be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. we're hanging out with ali kolbert, everybody. and uh -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how does it feel? and i'm just so -- i'm proud of you, pal. that's awesome. >> thank you. it's so crazy. >> jimmy: i totally remember you, did you have a good time when you interned here? >> yeah, of course. it was awesome. i loved being here. i'm even happier to be back now.
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, i think so. absolutely, yeah. but do you remember like -- do you remember like, what was a a thing you had to do when you were here like? >> i was -- yeah, i was getting lots of food for the writers. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] yeah, they like to eat, yeah. >> yeah, they like to eat. >> jimmy: did you have a a favorite writer? you like -- >> did i have a favorite writer? they were all fun. >> jimmy: yeah, they're -- >> when i was at page, i was hanging out with the roots a a lot. >> jimmy: yeah. >> they were the best. >> jimmy: they are the greatest. >> those are my guys. yeah. >> jimmy: but i was -- i was nice to you, too? >> yeah. you were nice to me. [ laughter ] you were nice to me. you -- you gave me a note at the end of my internship. i brought the note. >> jimmy: oh, you did? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i did give you a a note. >> you gave me a note. i have it here. and you know -- >> jimmy: oh, it is. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: that's my signature, i wrote that. >> you said, "ali, you were my favorite." [ audience aws ] and -- and i was really excited about it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then i went back to the kitchen where the interns hang out. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> and i -- and i saw that you had written the same note for every single intern. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: they were all my favorites. they were all my favorites.
they really were. >> yeah, i get that. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: can i change this, or do you want to keep it the way it is? >> please, please. i would love that. it's like, you are not. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: there you go. >> oh, check -- >> jimmy: there you go. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you so much. i needed that. >> jimmy: i love that you kept that. >> thank you. >> jimmy: ali, congratulations. thank you so much for doing this. >> thank you for having me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: check out ali tomorrow night at the stand comedy club, here in new york city. [ cheers and applause ] my thanks to keanu reeves, cat deeley, ali kolbert, and the roots right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight, elisabeth moss, star of "oh, hello on broadway," comedian john mulaney music from brett eldredge, featuring the 8g band with eric moore. ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. first lady melania trump and son, barron, officially moved into the white house yesterday. unfortunately, during the move, someone left the gate open and sean spicer ran away. [ light laughter ]