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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  April 3, 2019 12:37am-1:38am PDT

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- issa rae, from "veep," actor timothy simons, cooking with rachel ray, featuring the 8g band with aaron comess. ♪ [ chee and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. president trump tweeted last night, quote, "the people of puerto rico are great. but the politicians are incompetent or corrupt."
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and it's true. it's true. i mean, have you seen their president? [ laughter ] [ applause ] president trump said in a tweet last night the republican party will quote, "be known as the party of great health care." [ laughter ] he misspelled health care. [ laughter ] also, it turns out this whole time he's actually wanted to build a whale. [ laughter ] white house press secretary sarah huckabee sanders told reporters today that closing the southern border, quote, "isn't our first choice." then again, neither was sarah huckabee sanders. [ laughter ] president -- [ cheers and applause ] president trump told reporters today that his father was, quote, "born in a very wonderful place in germany." when his father was actually
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born in new york. [ laughter ] but yeah, let's wait and see what's in the mueller report. [ laughter ] presidential hopeful bernie sanders announced today that he has raised over $18 million in the first quarter of his campaign. so now he's no longer voting for himself. "we cannot have this country by millionaires." [ laughter ] today was equal pay day. and since this joke was written by a woman, we are getting our moneys. [ laughter ] [ applause ] according to a new study, drinking one bottle of wine a week has the same effect on your body has smoking ten cigarettes. said kathie lee and hoda, "welcome to the 'today' show." [ laughter ] [ applause ] a couple in ohio was arrested last week after having sex inside a gondola on a 150-foot
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observation wheel. the couple could face up to 30 questions from the kid in the gondola behind them. [ laughter ] catholic priests in poland recently held a book burning for things they considered sacrilegious, which included several harry potter novels. said j.k. rowling, "you're going to burn all of them once i reveal everyone's true sexuality. [ laughter ] then are more surprises to come." kellogg foods announced yesterday it has sold its popular brand keebler cookies. sadly they sold to it a logging company. [ audience oohs ] [ laughter ] researchers from nasa and the european space agency are seeking female applicants for a study on weightlessness. it will pay women $19,000 to lie in bed for 60 days. said trump, "wow, i paid like seven times that for one day." [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ]
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[ cheers and applause ] researchers at the university of washington believe they've developed a hormonal birth control method that could be safe to use. it could replace the current male birth control method, fortnite. [ laughter and applause ] and finally, new york city police received complaints recently about a vandal writing pro-trump graffiti in a brooklyn subway station. so to catch him, they did the only logical thing. they built a fake wall and hid behind it. [ laughter ] which brings to us a segment called "the kind of story we need right now." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: earlier -- earlier this year, this graffiti started appearing at court street subway stop in brooklyn. and new yorkers were not excited about it. they called the city to complain. so the mta painted over it. but then the vandal wrote the graffiti again. so commuters complained again. so the mta painted over it again. so the vandal came back again. so the commuters complained
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again. do you know how annoying graffiti has to be for new yorkers to complain about it? [ laughter ] i've never once called to complain about graffiti. and last week i saw this. [ laughter ] so finally, the police got involved. and they decided to solve the problem the only way the only way that made sense. they built a fake wall and hid behind it. that's right. to catch a trump supporter, they built a wall. [ laughter ] this is the kind of story we need right now. trump has been trying to build a wall for a year and a half. and he has nothing. the nypd built this majestic thing in one day. [ laughter ] they built it. they painted it. they even added a little door and a padlock to make it look like it led somewhere. [ laughter ] apparently they got the idea from this official police training video. ♪ [ laughter ] >> seth: once the wall was built, the wall that i can't stress enough was built in one day, police officers took turns hiding behind it. this is the kind of story we need right now. police show up to work every day
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wondering if they're going to get shot at or get in some dangerous high-speed chase. imagine showing up and finding out your assignment is, sit behind that wall, look at your phone, and if you smell sharpie, it's go time. [ laughter ] but this wall they were hiding behind wasn't just any wall. this wall had a special, very high-tech feature. >> transit cops took turns waiting in line behind this wall. they even drilled a hole right there in hopes of getting a clear view of the vandal in action. >> seth: "hey, chief, what are we going to use to catch this guy? night vision goggles, those 'mission impossible' lasers?" "peep hole." [ laughter ] and the peep hole worked. three days later, they caught him. this is the kind of story we need right now. and -- yeah. [ cheers and applause ] and the police knew this was the kind of story we needed right now. so they held a press conference. >> a man came back and put up again #lovetrump on the beam. so they caught him live writing on the beam. >> seth: i mean it is very funny
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that they held a press conference. [ laughter ] i mean they're acting like they caught bane. [ laughter ] also, think about this for a second. a man was writing graffiti when he heard you're under arrest from inside a wall. [ light laughter ] i don't know what the punishment is for that. but i'm guessing a heart attack? [ laughter ] to the trump supporters, i just want to say, you were right, walls work. and to the nypd, i just want to say please keep doing sting operations like this. build fake walls, set up a box and a stick, sprinkle banana peels outside of banks. [ laughter ] because this is the kind of story we need right now. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] she's starring in the new film "little." issa rae is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] from hbo's "veep," actor timothy simons is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] and she is here to make some incredible chicken quesadillas for us. and you can see new episodes of her series, "30-minute meals"
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airing every day this month on the food network, rachael ray, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] you guys, here at "late night," every night, i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. as a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that due to my being a straight white male, would be difficult for me to deliver. but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them. so we'd like to share them with now in a segment called "jokes seth can't tell." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hey everybody, these are two of our writers, amber and jenny. >> i'm black. >> and i'm gay. >> and we're both women. >> seth: and i'm not. so here's how this works. i will read the set-ups for these jokes and then amber and jenny will read the punch lines. here we go. a virginia woman was arrested for public intoxication last week after she was spotted carrying a suitcase with three cats inside. >> said lesbians, "three? where the rest of her cats?" [ laughter ] >> seth: esquire magazine recently featured a profile on
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the hardships of growing up white, middle class and male. >> said black people, "oh, fiction." [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: according to new data, american women now more educated than ever. >> and if they get just a little smarter, they'll stop dating men. [ laughter ] >> seth: president trump said this weekend that he thinks african-americans like him a lot. >> no word yet on who told him that. it was kanye. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: and amber, real quick, are you a kanye fan? >> i was until he died. >> seth: oh, he's not dead. >> he's dead to me. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> seth: a new lesbian romance starng kate winslet and saoirse ronan is facing backlash from people who say that women it's based on weren't really gay. >> said lesbians, "shh, just let them make it." [ laughter ] >> seth: jenny, do you like watching things with lesbian protagonists?
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>> yes, that's why i love this show. [ laughter ] >> seth: according to a new report, white people are primarily responsible for carbon emissions. >> but a black guy is already in jail for it. [ audience ohs ] "oh, man! i drive a prius." [ laughter ] >> seth: march is women's history month. >> so celebrate by giving women what they want most -- >> together: "quiet tampon wrappers." >> seth: i don't -- [ applause ] i don't understand. >> every time a woman tries to quietly take tampon out of her purse, it sounds like this. [ imitating crackling noise ] >> seth: i thought you guys were eating popcorn. >> once a month. [ laughter ] >> seth: wait! wait, this next joke is about an asian woman. you guys can't tell this joke. >> no. but our new writer karen can.
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>> hi, everybody! >> seth: oh, hey. [ cheers and applause ] but do you think -- do you think can she handle it? >> oh, can she handle reading out loud? like your job is so hard. >> seth: fine. all right. naomi osaka recently became the first asian tennis player to be number one in the world. >> said her mother, "that will look great on your application for medical school." [ laughter ] >> seth: all right. yeah. [ applause ] that was great, karen. >> gee, thanks seth. it was really hard reading those words. i don't know how you do it, seth. [ laughter ] >> seth: she learned to be mean to me from you two. [ laughter ] a company in australia is allowing employees to take 12 weeks of life leave per year which can be used for travel or relaxing. >> while a company in america will give women a half day if they give birth at their desk. [ laughter ] >> seth: a court in michigan
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ruled yesterday that giving the middle finger to a police officer is an act of free speech. >> said black people, "you first." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> hey, seth, why don't you tell one? >> seth: oh, no, i couldn't. >> come on. just one. >> seth: i feel like i'll get in trouble if do i one. >> oh, come on. do it. >> seth: okay, i will. 'cause i trust you both. >> great. [ laughter ] >> seth: the head of nasa claimed in an interview last week that the first person on mars is likely to be a woman. and then if it's safe, they'll send the men. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] >> how dare you! >> seth: you told me it would be okay! >> you should be ashamed of yourself. >> seth: you wrote that for me today and handed it to me at my desk. [ laughter ] lesbians and black women are liars. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with issa rae everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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get a total value of over nine thousand five hundred dollars when financing with gm financial. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back everybody! give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, back with us tonight on drums, he's a founding member of new york city band, spin doctors, who are celebrating their 30th anniversary this year. his new solo record, sculptures, is out now. and be sure to follow him on
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both twitter and instagram. aaron comess everybody. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is the emmy, and golden globe nominated star and creator of the hit hbo series, "insecure." she can be seen next in the upcoming film "little," which will be in theatres on april 12th. let's take a look. >> you know, since i have to be you, i should probably dress the part, and borrow some of your clothes. >> your body can't fit into my clothes. this is squats. this is pilates. >> that body looks like baby gap, gymboree, oshkosh b'gosh to me. >> ooh you get on my nerves. >> seth: please welcome to the show, issa rae, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> seth: hi issa, how are you? >> hello, seth. i'm happy to be here. >> seth: it's -- yeah. [ cheers and applause ] i want to talk about the movie, but congratulations, "insecure," back for a fourth season. >> back for a fourth season, yes. [ applause ] >> seth: that's really amazing. >> thank you very much. yeah. can't believe it's been this long. >> seth: it's really amazing, and i wanted to ask because -- the show is very honest, and i think that the people who watch it probably really appreciate that. but because of that, do they feel less of a barrier with you when they meet you? do they overshare? >> they do overshare. i welcome sharing. you know? but people overshare at bus stops, they overshare at parties. i was just at a party on saturday night. and this is a pleasant overshare, but this woman came up to me, and she was like, i met my husband through your show. and i was like, what he was on the show? girl, what? that's cool. and she was like, no. season one, of the characters used an app called the league. so she was like, i saw it on tv that they did it, and so i signed up for the app. and as soon as i signed up, i met my husband, and we just got
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married. and i was like, that is amazing. [ laughter ] i would have never used that app. it was -- i couldn't vouch for it, but i'm glad that she found love. >> seth: at that point you feel like you deserve a little bit of a kickback from the app. [ light laughter ] >> from the app, and i should have been invited to the wedding. >> seth: yeah. >> it was rude for her to come up. >> seth: it feels like everybody ignored you on that. >> yeah. >> seth: yeah. >> story of my life. >> seth: and then, what about -- i know you have parents, and you have siblings, and the show is also, there are awkward situations. >> there are. >> seth: that all the characters yourself included are in. >> absolutely. >> seth: do they watch the show? are there things that they prefer not to see? >> they definitely watch the show. well, my mom stopped, my older brother stopped. [ laughter ] because you know, there's -- it's an adult show. it's on hbo. >> seth: yeah. >> they engage in adult acts. and you know -- >> seth: the use apps. [ light laughter ] >> they use apps to engage in those adults acts sometimes. [ light laughter ] so yeah, they just -- they kind of had enough. my mom was like, i can't watch this anymore.
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but then she caught up later in secret, and was okay, i'm watching it again. [ laughter ] but my brother was like, i can't watch you do this. >> seth: gotcha. >> i don't blame him. i don't want him to watch me engage in adult acts. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, that must've been nice. that's a better outcome than you telling him, i am not comfortable with you watching it. it's better for him to come to that conclusion. >> that's very, very true. though it's still like kind of disrespectful too. i don't know. there's just something about my brother being like, ew. [ laughter ] that's just like, you don't have to say that. >> seth: so this film, i guess it is sort of a reverse "big." >> yes. >> seth: is a safe way of saying it. >> it is. >> seth: and your co-star, marsai, she's 14 years old. >> yes, 14 years old. >> seth: she's incredible. she also -- she is like a producer on this film. >> so, she pitched this movie when she was 10 years old. >> seth: oh my goodness. >> went in with her parents. another writer named tracy oliver, and said this is what i want the story to be, and four years later, it's this movie that she's starring in, and she is the youngest executive producer in hollywood history.
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>> seth: that's amazing. [ cheers and applause ] >> this little black girl. >> seth: so, i want to ask how this feels for you. because obviously, you're incredibly accomplished. you have your own show that you write, produce, and star in. and yet when you were 14, anywhere near this? >> no, dang! [ light laughter ] that was really terrible of you to set me up like that. so you accomplished nothing when you were fourteen? no. i didn't accomplish anything when i was 14. but i did. i was writing. i was writing spec scripts for television with my grandma. she would help me with her like apple computer. type these scripts. and she actually taught me the legitimate way to copyright, or legitimate way to copyright my scripts, which was to put them in an envelope, and mail them to myself. so i was like, this is the cheat code. so i don't have to pay all this legal, all these legal fees at 12, 13 years old to copyright my scripts. i can just send them to myself. so i was like, my grandmother is brilliant until i grew up, and then realized that was kind of a lie. it was a flimsy way to copyright.
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[ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah, the idea being that you would have a dated envelope with a stamp being like, and you'd say i wrote this then. i will tell you this though. i was in film school and was told the same thing. >> so then she was right. she wasn't -- >> seth: yeah, but maybe your lawyers is the one who you should look into. [ laughter ] >> he just wanted my money. that's what it was. >> seth: he just wanted your money. >> wanted my money. shout out to my grandma for trying to save me money. >> seth: you moved to l.a. when you were in high school, yeah? >> i moved when i was 11. so middle school. moved back. >> seth: and was it a culture shock to come back? cause you were living out of the country. and how was l.a. middle school compared to what you expected it to be? >> you know, i was out of the country and i was also in maryland for five years. and i was watching a lot of tv. my cousins were watching a lot of tv, which included "saved by the bell" and "90210." so i had this fantasy that when i move back to l.a. i was going to be moving back to hollywood. even though i never, you know, lived there. and my parents didn't tell me we were moving to hollywood. but i just was like, oh, i'm about to be kelly kapowski in these streets. [ light laughter ] i'm about to be kelly from "90210." and i thought i was just going to have, you know, boys pining after me, and it was just --
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it wasn't that. >> seth: it wasn't that. >> it was not that. [ laughter ] >> seth: i feel like the good news is "saved by the bell" probably gave a lot of kids a false expectation of high school was going to be like. >> we all wanted a zach morris. >> seth: yeah. >> you know? >> seth: well, you didn't know a single guy who could stop time? >> no. not a single guy who wanted to stop for me. [ light laughter ] stop time, nothing. >> seth: you -- marsai plays a bad boss in this film. >> she does. >> seth: have you had bad bosses in your life. is that something? >> i was thinking about whether or not i had any bad bosses. and one came to mind, but then i realized, oh, i was just a bad employee. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> i was not -- she was just like, all i want you to do is do your job, like i'm giving you tasks, and you don't do them. 'cause i would be like, come into work. she wants me to do stuff. like, i'm trying to write. [ laughter ] so i looked at her in a whole new light. >> seth: do you think that part of that is that you are a boss now? that you have some perspective on it? >> yes.
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definitely. >> seth: do you, have there been times that you have done anything as a boss that you -- you now look back and go, oh i was a bad boss at that moment? >> i mean, i'm always just, yes, in terms of communicating sometimes, i need to be better about being direct about what i want. but you know, it's just hard to navigate. 'cause sometimes even in this industry i've tried, and i'm curious if you've had the same issue, sometimes you're working with people that you're friends with. and it's just a -- especially in a writer's room in particular, like the community is just so easy. it's hard to go into like, tell them what to do mode. >> seth: yeah, no, i think you're right. in the writer's room there's this sense of we're a community. we're all in this together. a lot of us came out of improv troupes where it's like all for one, and then as the boss you have to go like, okay great. also, this is all bad, and i need you to start over. [ laughter ] we've all had our fun, but i can't say any of this on television, and i'm going to go back to my office now, and close the door. back to work. >> yeah, exactly that. it's hard. >> seth: it's hard to juggle the two. do you feel, do you look back and reflect well on the job you
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did putting together this writer's room? 'cause we've had guests on this room have talked about what a wonderful environment it is. >> yeah. i saw nathasha rothwell was on the show. >> seth: yes. >> she's freaking phenomenal. you know, i work on the show with prentice penny, who's the showrunner. who is the official showrunner, and i'm so blessed because i had never been in a writer's room before. and he had, but in shows like "brooklyn 99," and "happy endings," and he's always kind of been the only one. the only either black guy, the only black person, you know. and he just knew that when he started a writers room he wanted to make sure that it was inclusive, and that multiple voices were represented, and not necessarily just one, and so that's what our writer's room is, and it really feels like a family, and it allows us to be able to be comfortable to share these stories, and to share perspectives that are varying, but also -- you know, coming from a place of familiarity. >> seth: well, based on the product on screen, you guys are doing an incredible job. >> thank you. >> seth: congratulations on fourth season, thanks so much for being here. >> thank you so much. thank you for having me seth.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: issa rae everybody. "little" is in theatres next friday, april 12th. we'll be right back with timothy simons. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ "werk it" by mama haze ] ♪ watch me werk it now ♪ woo ♪ baby do you like the way i werk it now? ♪ ♪ baby come on and let me show you how ♪ ♪ werk it now ♪ werk it now ♪ werk it now ♪ baby watch me werk it like ♪ werk it now, werk it now, woo ♪ ♪ werk it now ♪ baby watch me werk it like ♪ baby, baby, baby ♪ baby watch me werk it now ( ♪ ) only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol®.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest stars as jonah ryan in the critically acclaimed series "veep." the 7th and final season airs sundays on hbo. let's take a look. >> no, thank you. >> yeah, no, you have to. they'd love it. >> look at how hot she is. yeah, i'd get sprung. >> thank you all so much. my joanie, he just swept me off my feet. and i know that when he is elected president, he is going to sweep all the of dirt out of washington. [ cheers and applause ] so, we're just going to need on find a broom that's tall enough for him. [ laughter ]
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>> i just want to make it clear that she does do all the housework. >> i do. >> seth: please welcome to the show timothy simons, everyone. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hey, how are you? >> how's it going? >> seth: i'm so happy you're here. >> i'm so happy to be here. >> seth: congratulations on the show. i'm certainly not the first person to ask about this. but one of the strangest things that's happened over the course of the seven years of this show is politics has become maybe stranger than the awful, awful people on "veep." >> yeah, a little bit. somewhere along the line, we became aspirational. [ laughter ] i don't exactly know how that happened. no, and i know that, like, there a lot of people going through a lot of, like, terrible things because of this administration. i'm certainly, like, you know, i'm not trying to say, oh, the premium cable satirists. boy, they're having it rough. [ laughter ] they are having the worst go at this. it is amazing, though, that when
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we started this show, what counted as a gaffe doesn't exist anymore. >> seth: right. >> and now my character is now running for president. and things that you would have thought would have torpedoed. you would have never bought that he could get there. >> seth: right. >> that he could get to run for president. now you have to actually entertain the fact that he could win. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah, it's a very -- >> it's like, yeah, he's charmless and he's graceless and he's narcissistic. and he doesn't care about anybody but himself. and i don't know if you're seeing the venn diagram overlap. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> seth: did you -- well, obviously, i think a lot of who you were describing wasn't in politics when this started. but did you base it on any existing politicians when you first jumped in to the role? >> when i first jumped in to the role it was, sort of, like a smashed together of a bunch of different just, like -- i almost said hollywood, because it's exactly the same. >> seth: yeah. >> it's exactly the same thing. of just d.c. lackeys that all they care about is proximity to power. but when we got toward his congressional campaign, the
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person speaking of charmless and graceless and just universally disliked. i based a lot of it on ted cruz. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> who -- was is lindsey graham who had, like, a great bit about ted cruz. i think -- i'm paraphrasing but if you were to shoot him on the floor of the senate, you could not find a witness. [ laughter ] and i feel like jonah -- jonah operates in that space. but begrudgingly, you have to admit that ted cruz has some -- he has fallen ass-backwards into some sort of power and until he's out everybody just has to deal with him. and that very much is jonah's vibe. >> seth: yes. >> that's his thing. >> seth: you were one of the most colorfully insulted characters in the history of television. >> yeah. >> seth: and i have heard that people will, if they see you, they will then, almost as a way of saying hey, i'm a fan, they will yell one of those insults at you. >> it does happen. [ laughter ] it does happen. i beg you to not do it. [ laughter ] there are so many that are profane and i'm with my children
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at the grocery store. that's not the time. it has gotten to a point where there have been so many. i almost feel like we have reached. like, a critical mass. where if some of you were -- i've been insulted so many different ways and so many different times that you wouldn't even be able to pick one out of your head. there are so many. which is great for me. but, so, people now are, more so, coming up to me to commiserate just about some guy they work with who sucks. [ light laughter ] and they just think, they're like, "oh, you play a guy who sucks. there is this guy that i work with that sucks. and it's really lovely. you have a really wonderful human connection with a fan of the show. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's very nice. >> somebody you work with who just is awful. >> seth: you mentioned you have kids. you have twins. >> i do. >> seth: we were talking backstage. 7 years old. and so that, working backwards from seventh season, you probably had them right when this started. right? >> yeah. they were born right at the end of the first season. >> seth: was that stressful to then be in the middle of this show that, obviously, you know, has a very intense shooting schedule and you had two small
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kids? do you feel like you've managed pretty well? >> i think i did okay. i was talking to my therapist about this recently. there's no great parenting. there's only good enough. and i know i'm hitting good enough. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> but we shot in baltimore and so, i would have to do a lot of back and forth and when the kids were young. i mean, like, it's tough. it's tough on me, it's tough on them, it's really tough on my wife who has a -- she's a public school teacher. and they should be paid way more than they are. >> seth: yes. [ cheers and applause ] so, i would go back, when i'm at home. i try to be very present for them. and as they've grown up, you know, i try -- when i put them to bed, i try to be very present for them. and they -- it's gotten more complicated as they've gotten older. like, when they were really little, like, the scariest thing that they could come up with was that there was a bear in the room. >> seth: sure. >> and if you ask them to describe it, it's a cartoon bear. it's the nicest bear you've ever met. but recently, i was putting my daughter, her name's hopper.
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i was putting her to bed and she said, "papa, i think that all adults are monsters and they're just pretending to be people. which means that you are monster and you're pretending to be a person." and i was -- i said, "babe, i understand that you feel that way. i can assure you i am not a monster pretending to be a person. and my job is to keep you safe and protect you until you can keep yourself safe and until you can protect yourself. that's my job. that's what i'm here for." but i'm a comedian. [ laughter ] and in the back of my head and i didn't say it. i was like, "if i was monster pretending to be a person, that is exactly what i would say to get with it." [ laughter ] and it took everything i had to not look her in the eye and tell her that. but i knew we would just be up all night and i would be so sorry. [ laughter ] be so sorry that i did it. >> seth: are they -- i don't know. i have no frame of reference about 7-year-olds. do they appreciate that your show's been a success?
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do they know that it's what you do and that people love it? >> they don't care at all. they don't care at all. i did -- last year we won an award. we won a sag award. the sag ensemble award for the show. and certainly, like, awards aren't like -- it's been really fun that we've been able to go to things like that. it's not the reason we do it. the ensemble is incredibly close. and i love working with them. so that -- to win that. that was cool. i got to walk around that night with, like, a physical manifestation of something that is very important to me. like, the work that we do as a group. and, so, the next morning, the kids were at the table. they were getting -- they were eating breakfast. they were getting ready to go to school. and i don't know if you've ever seen a sag award before. but it has a very defining butt. [ light laughter ] and i put it on the table and i was like, "guys, your dad. your papa won this last night with all of his friends that he works with and i just wanted to show you this. he was really proud of this." and they said the rest of the breakfast turning the butt toward the other kid and laughing.
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[ laughter ] and then other kid would turn the butt back toward the other one. and, no, they don't care at all. [ light laughter ] but if i keep providing butt statues, i think they're going to love it. >> seth: yeah, i think that's -- well, you know, they certainly they would appreciate that. [ applause ] you mentioned jonah is somebody who is desperate to be in proximity to power. and your grandfather had a real jonah story in terms of proximity. he was in world war ii. >> he was. >> seth: this is true story. >> yes. >> seth: please share. >> my grandfather fought in the pacific theater in world war ii, and he was providing artillery support in iwo jima. and my grandfather is a very laid back guy. and when, at one point, he turned his head to light a cigarette. and when he turned back, they had raised the flag at iwo jima and he missed it. [ laughter ] so, this giant piece of american
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history, this battle that had been won. he missed it. >> seth: where do you think your grandfather is then? >> just, kind of, somewhere over here. [ laughter ] not looking at this. there's nothing -- nobody would ever confuse a simons for somebody that would be in here. i tell you, a simons would come in and be like, "do you guys need -- oh, you got it. you got it." [ laughter ] but i don't think -- i don't think those guys get statues built. >> seth: yeah, they don't get statues. hey, congrats again. it's been such a great show. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: and you've just been such a fantastic part of it. i really appreciate you being here. timothy simons, everybody. "veep" airs sundays on hbo. we'll be right back with rachael ray. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ai unlocks the art of science. when you open a bottle of beer, i don't think many people actually know the level of science that's filled into that bottle. back in time, it took carlsberg several years to produce a new beer.
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great. [ cheers and applause ] let's get started with this. >> this is my husband's famous margarita recipe. >> seth: okay. >> instead of the orange liqueur, he uses elder flower liqueur. >> seth: well. >> which makes it sound healthy. doesn't it? >> seth: yeah, there you go. cheers. >> fabulous. cheers! mmm. >> seth: and this is very exciting. i did your show in 2011 and now we've come full circle. >> full circle and full circle with "30-minute meals" after almost 20 years. we're back now. >> seth: yes, 20. almost 20 years. [ applause ] and, so, this is about making quick, easy meals. what are we going to make today? >> today i'm going to attempt, just for you. and in honor of the show -- wait. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> much better now. i'm going to attempt my first ever three-minute meal. >> seth: oh, my god. three minutes! [ cheers ] when do you want the clock to start? >> you come over here. this is your station because you have a cheat underneath with you need it. i do not. >> seth: okay, i wont need a cheat. >> i do not. >> seth: all right. so, we're going to make quesadillas in three minutes. >> so, we are going to make quesadillas with rotisserie chickens and chorizo, some fire
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roasted corn and chimichurri sauce. >> seth: is this counting in the three minutes? >> yes, you're going to do all of this. >> seth: no, but this explaination. does this count? >> really? >> seth: i just want to know. >> all right. put three minutes on the clock. are you ready? >> seth: steve, are you ready? all right, go! >> go. okay. this is chorizo. >> seth: yep. >> take some of and it chop it up. you only need enough for one quesadilla. >> seth: okay. >> it's fully cooked so don't worry about it if it doesn't get all the way there it'll still taste good. you could eat it raw. >> seth: okay, great. >> a little bit of oil in this little skillet. okay? put that in there. >> seth: okay. >> it's a tasty snack. isn't it? it's a scooby snack. >> seth: is this the oil? >> that's the oil. just spread. >> seth: okay. >> now this is rotisserie chicken. >> seth: okay. >> right. at home i would just literally rip it off the bone with my fingers but here i'm using a knife. >> seth: that's nice of you. >> hopefully a little more politely. >> seth: okay. >> throw that in. throw in a little bit of corn. >> seth: okay. >> here's your corn in the little dish. >> seth: okay. >> this comes in the freezer section. all you got to do is throw some in. [ laughter ] that's lovely. >> seth: we're off to a good start here. >> okay, now while that's cooking, in here, we have parsley and cilantro.
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you put all of your stuff away. cheers. clean and ready to use. >> seth: this is great because all the stuff in my house is already like this. so i will only take three minutes. [ laughter ] >> well, one of the rules with "30 minute meals" is put it away clean so you use more of it. right? >> seth: okay. so, what are we doing now? >> so, in to this -- throw the garlic. this guy. >> seth: wait, where's my garlic? oh, here. okay. >> a couple of scallions. but just rip them. just like that. okay? >> seth: okay. >> the juice of a lime. >> seth: oh! the juice of a lime. >> the juice of a lime. >> seth: bring me the juice of a lime! [ laughter ] and the hair of a child! [ laughter ] okay, what's this? >> a little sherry vinegar. a little olive oil. >> seth: okay. >> we're making chimichurri. >> seth: oh. >> okay? >> seth: all right. >> get your lid on. this is the difficult part. getting the lid on correctly. >> seth: okay. >> let it go. turn it on. ish. >> seth: okay.
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>> ish. >> seth: all right. >> maybe you got it backwards. >> oh! >> try this this way. >> seth: oh! >> oh, no! yes! you did it! >> seth: i'm done. >> and you have a fake one too. [ laughter ] okay. >> seth: all right. >> spray the pan. >> seth: spray the pan. >> right. put one of these tortillas things down. >> seth: okay. >> okay. stir this stuff up back here. >> seth: how we doing on time? just over a minute left? what? well, you've got to be clear, steve! [ laughter ] >> turn the heat up on this. okay. then we take our cheese. >> seth: okay. >> put your cheese on your quesadilla. on your tortilla. >> seth: yup. >> okay. all right. now were going to take all this stuff from this pan. all right, dump it on this. oh, that's hot. don't burn yourself. i can't afford for the lawsuit for that. >> seth: wait, is this hot? >> yeah, it's super hot. here. give me this. i'll do it. i can't feel my fingers. don't worry about it. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> there we go. there you go. excellent. now, take some of this. take some of this. take some of your stuff. take some of this stuff. the green stuff. [ laughter ] the chimi -- yes. >> seth: okay.
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20 seconds. now what? >> fold it over. fold it over. yes. fold it over. press it down. >> seth: okay. fold it. press it. >> flip her over. >> seth: ten, nine. flip her. eight. yeah! [ cheers and applause ] rachael ray! we did it, you guys. wait. all right. well, you did it. you did it. but now, enough. enough with you. all right. now we have to see how good it is though. >> you want to try this one, baby? it might have got a little warmer. >> seth: all right. [ laughter ] >> it might've gotten a little warmer. >> seth: i feel like they were the same. [ laughter ] >> not bad for three minutes. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: really good. very impressive. cheers to you! give it up for rachael ray, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] new episodes of "30 minute meals" every day this month on the food network. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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-we're doing karaoke later, and you're gonna sing. -jamie, this is your house? -i know, it's not much, but it's home. right, kids? -kids? -papa, papa! -[ laughs ] -you didn't tell me your friends were coming. -oh, yeah. -this one is tiny like a child. -yeah, she is. oh, but seriously, it's good to be surrounded by what matters most -- a home and auto bundle from progressive. -oh, sweetie, please, play for us. -oh, no, i couldn't. -please. -okay. [ singing in spanish ] -please. -okay. verizon got us vip tickets three feet away from justin timberlake. my wife, me, jt. (laughing) what? insanity. (vo) get vip tickets to the best artists and more, on us. plus, save big when you switch. only on verizon.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to issa rae, timothy simons, rachel ray, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] aaron comess, and of course 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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