tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 15, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am PST
>> jimmy: very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. very nice. hope you had a good valentine's day yesterday. there's only so much good that can come out of valentine's day. kind of like a blood test in that either nothing happens or the result is something horrible. so last night my wife and i went out to dinner. i have to say i really feel i had a strong performance morning to night yesterday. i made breakfast, pancakes and bacon, the flowers showed up on time, they were the right flowers, she liked her gifts,
got her a card, i wrote in it. which is a big thing. then because i remembered to make a reservation five weeks ago we had a dinner at a normal time, not 5:00 p.m. or 10:45 p.m. i forgot my wallet and she had to pay for dinner, otherwise -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: one of those things. funny, valentine's day is a night for love, romance. my wife spent a good portion of the dinner last night talking about how much she loves not me but beyonce. she was swooning talking about beyonce. so i asked, as if i didn't know. i said what specifically is it that you like about her? she thought about it and then she went into this -- she said, i had to start writing it down as she was doing it, she said and i'm quoting here -- what do you like about beyonce? she said, i like her songs. i like how beautiful she is.
i love the way she dances. i love the way she sings. i really love her so much. i think about it all the time. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: beyonce has stolen my wife from me. that was so much nicer than the card she wrote me for valentine's day. our daughter jane is 19 months old. this is like the first valentine's day that she kind of has some awareness that something's going on. this happened in the aisle at rite aid over the weekend. my wife kind of lost track of her. then found her in the stuffed animal line kissing every bear on the shelf. she misses that one. but she goes back, gets that one. clearly she has a type, huh? some kind of teddy bear version
earlier tonight on abc, a new episode of "the bachelor" barged into our lives. so much happened, too much happened to explain with mere words. for those who missed it it's time for "the bachelor" emoji recap, where i explain what happened using emoernlgjiemojis, the universal language. tonight ben the bachelor started the show with six women. they all flew to his hometown. where ben asked lauren b. to join him on a one-on-one date. they played basketball with a group of kids. nba players paul george and george hill from the indiana pacers showed up. and then after that ben took another woman, joe joe, all the way to wrigley field in the windy city where they played some baseball and they kissed. they ate, they drank, then they
next ben took a group -- beckkaa the virgin, took amanda and kayla to a farm where they went on rowboats, they flew kites. there are no kite emojis so just go with it. ben gave amanda the rose. one person gets the rose. the other two he had to kick kayla and bekaa the virgin out. so she's going to be a virgin for a while. they cried. ben took amanda out for fast food. they got a burger and fries and they kissed. then they went on a merry go round. where again they kissed. and then on a ferris wheel where they kissed. the next day ben took emily to meet his parents, his mom and dad. emily shared something
doesn't like vegetables. she told ben's mom she always dreamed of being an nfl cheerleader. and then ben's parents said, nuh, emily is too young. so ben sent emily home. emily then spent some time crying in the car. as babies are known to do. next it was time for the rose ceremony. ben sent bekaa the virgin home. and then she did something no one expected. she cried and cried and cried in the car home. and that was pretty much that. that was "the bachelor" in emojis. [ cheers and applause ] so we're down to the final -- only four women left, which means ben now finally knows everyone's name. up until this week he just called them all lauren and hoped
today's presidents' day. presidents' day was established in 1885 to honor george washington and then other presidents jumped on board and we honor them all. do you know every presidents' day, this is sweet, michelle obama lets president obama eat one skittle as a treat. donald trump spent his about thes day getting ready by photoshopping his head onto a million-dollar bill. donald trump is ahead pack in south carolina. meanwhile his opponents are very busy trying to cannibalize each other. this is from the republican debate on saturday night. >> marco went on univision in spanish and said he would not rescind president obama's illegal executive amnesty on his first day in office. i have promised to rescind every single illegal executive action, including that one -- very quickly, first of all i don't know how he knows what i said on univision because he doesn't speak spanish.
[ speaking spanish ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what happens when he doesn't speak for more than 30 seconds. meanwhile in a very different kind of race in l.a. the l.a. marathon, the 31st annual marathon. between the marathon and obama's visit it was a big week for kenyans screwing up l.a. traffic. a runner from kenya won on the men's side. a runner from the ukraine won on the women's side. my cousin sal was there cheering the runners on and making mischief. it's become a tradition. once again here is cousin sal at the l.a. marathon. >> sal: free water, everyone, grab some, all right, i'm sorry, yeah, that's been giving people trouble. use your wrist.
take it and run, take it! you got it. there you go. it's all yours. there you go. oh, on, yeah. you keep grabbing the wrong one, i'm sorry. that guy. sorry. yeah, oh -- yeah, take some water, there you go. oh, come on. that ruins the whole gag. i hope you lose. who wants some booze? margarita time. come on, take one. there you go. take a margarita. you'll stumble across the finish line. tequila! >> do you want me to return this? >> no take that with you and mail it back to us. marguerite tax hey, come on. it's 9:00 in the morning, get drunk. shrimp, everyone, shrimp, left over from my super bowl party!
good. don't forget the cocktail sauce! come on take some shrimp. beautiful, all right. creamed corps corn. creamed corn. you want some? come on, i don't want to make a mess, creamed corn. you want some? here, all right. see, you're going to win now. you'll do great. creamed corn. yeah it's corn. yeah. i'm having everyone share the same ladle. not a good idea? here we go. chocolate-covered sardines. chocolate sardines. it's sardines with chocolate on them. go ahead, take it. chocolate sardines, take one. >> hell no. >> sal: chocolate sardines. chocolate fish. oh, come on. for you. hey, hey, hey, come on. i'm pretty sure they're not
all right, time to limbo, everybody! come on, run through. oh, that's great. how low can you go? very nice. i think you're supposed to -- come on you heard of a runner's high, this is a runner's low. go, go, go, go, go, go! yeah! come on. we can go real low for you two. nice. sorry to slow you down. yeah. amy schumer playing along, thank you. i don't know if he's registered. who need ss p.h. balance? hey, right. i'm like pick caught sew. want deodorant? all right. one, two -- good, good. this is really gross. come on. you look like you need -- oh, you have a lot of hair.
you should have seen the monster who took the last one from me. you guys want deodorant? all right. who else? come on, todd. >> bring it on. >> sal: my final offering. the cutest cupid in the city of angels. come on gabriel. congratulations! you won, take him! there you go. happy valentine's day. whoo! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. thank you, cousin sal. hello, gabriel. we have to take a break. when we come back from the break, we have a very important message. kanye west needs money. for real. and a brand-new star-studded
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, there. welcome back to the show. david spade, derek hough, and mashup monday, muse fwrik panic at the sisco on the way. first an important update on the performer/fashion designer kanye west. kanye's promoting his new album so he's been tweeting a lot. saturday he tweeted, this is real, he said i write to this you my brothers while still $53 million in personal debt. please pray we overcome. this is my true heart. $53 million? how the hell did this happen? how much do those leather pants
kanye west releasedreally is an original, he might be the first rapper ever to brag about how much money he doesn't have. but he does have an idea of who he can get that kind of money from. he tweeted mark zuckerberg, invest $1 billion into kanye west's ideas. after realizing that he is the greatest living artist and greatest artist of all-time. i am the jordan and steph curry of music, meaning i'm the best of two generations. mark zuckerberg, i know it's your birthday but can you please call me by tomorrow. by the way, the funniest part is mark zuckerberg's birthday is in may. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that didn't slow kanye down at all. he kept going. mark, i am publicly asking you for help. one of the accompanyingest thingsthing s -- coolest things you could do is help me in my time of need. if you want $1 billion from the guy who invented facebook maybe
[ cheers and applause ] kanye also tweeted that he will win more than 100 grammy awards before he dies. the grammys were tonight. l.l. cool j was the host which means the city was once again left unprotected from naval-related crimes. it's silly really when you think about it to pick one song or artist over another. but every music fan does it. music fans are an opinionated bunch. sometimes especially on social media that translates into hate. from time to time on this show we high a light nasty things posted by famous people by asking those famous people to read those nasty things aloud. tonight on music's biggest night it seemed appropriate to present an all-music edition of "mean tweets." >> meghan trainor is like if the sassy girl you used to work with at express just randomly had a
>> ricky martin? more like inky farting. >> hey, james taylor, we get it. you've seen fire and rain. guess what? so have i and so have a lot of other people. isn't that special. #douche. >> honestly, little big town, i'd rather listen to a turd hitting the toilet than your new songs. >> bad! >> common, is that the motto for your penis? >> i can't stand this new ed sheeran. why the [ bleep ] are you happy on your records? you [ bleep ], [ bleep ] for [ bleep ] sake. >> kelly clarkson is on -- time to go poop. >> charlie wilson reminds me of that old creepy uncle you weren't allowed to be alone with growing up. >> if i could choose to punch one piece of [ bleep ] in the
[ bleep ] that bloated [ bleep ]. >> i imagine wiz khalifa smells like biz marquee's toilet brush. >> hey, josh groban, suck my [ bleep ] you big tool. subtle. >> omg, demi lovato makes my [ bleep ] ears bleat. stfu, you talentless [ bleep ] reserve you're going to give me a heart attaaaaaack. like nine a's. >> i think the killers [ bleep ] suck. i'd rather listen to a bum repeatedly [ bleep ] slap my face. >> drake looks like a ferret with a baby afro. >> don't understand the world's obsession with one direction. what is attractive about little boys with gross hair and skinny jeans? >> of course. >> if lionel richie wants once, twice, three times a lady, he's
take what you can get [ bleep ]. >> i wish joan rivers was still alive so she could tell rita orr that she dresses like a bag of [ bleep ]. >> i love how music takes you away to another place. like mumford and sons playing at this restaurant, so now i'm going to another restaurant. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: mess with mumford but do not mess with his sons. tonight it is mashup monday with panic at the s. sqo, derek hough is here, and be right back with david spade! >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by wendy's. home of the deliciously single,
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stefani and secretary of state john kerry. that's right. we'll have a special report from guillermo at the grammy awards. right now as we speak. and later this week, megan fox, kerry washington, ben mckenzie, from "game of thrones" nikolaj coster-waldau and we will have music from chris stapleton and jason derulo. please join us then. our first guest tonight is worn out after a sexually athletic valentine's day weekend. this friday and saturday night, you can see him live with ray romano at the mirage hotel in las vegas. please say hello to david spade. [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: how are you doing? >> hey, man. >> jimmy: every night i record promos for some of the local stations across the country. tonight we had david spade backstage cackling or snickering? >> a lot of both. never ending. what about the guy that's on right now? >> jimmy: how are you doing? in vegas over the weekend? >> i was all over, my man. we went on the road. photograph? >> yeah, we had a big tour, a road. >> jimmy: you're underselling it by saying a bunch of comics on the road. [ cheers and applause ] >> mcdonald, norm, adam sandler. >> jimmy: heard of him. >> rob schneider, tim meadows, spade, and eddie vetter. >> jimmy: and eddie vetter. [ cheers and applause ] >> that was seattle.
some towns some people come to watch. >> jimmy: i've heard about this. >> that was a big one. eddie -- we sang at the end, sang "me generation" to be stupid. eddie's on the side, he came out and sang, was really good. >> jimmy: you planned to sing without eddie, then eddie joined in? >> he was just there. he ran out and saved the day because it was bombing. yeah. >> jimmy: did he have the song in vegas? >> no, no. veg gas was those guys. i did portland, denver, phoenix, all the other cities. they were there so i stopped by and watch and did a few minutes. >> you were the eddie vetter? >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: when you tour do you stay in the hotel room, bunk up? >> super fun, it's so great, we save money and have one room. you sleep on each other like puppies. but sometimes it's hard. because some hotels are nice, hove them were nice this trip.
worried about bedbugs, i think they're unappealing. >> they're rude. >> i don't like them. they said this hotel's so great we have a bedbug sniffing dog that goes in the room before you get there. i thought what a bummer job on the sniffing dog job meter, you know? the dog's like -- and they go, any bedbugs? then he goes -- yeah, yes, bedbugs, yes. the bitter familiar taste of bedbugs, thank you, yes. yeah. he gets at home. all i taste is bedbugs all day. like ten hours, you know? his brother is in miami, it's not over. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: letting me know. >> no, i mean -- >> jimmy: maybe it should be you know? >> you'll find out. >> jimmy: okay, all right. >> his brother is in miami, this guy sniffs coke all day!
with me for one day literally. you'd hate it. you have the balls to complain? >> jimmy: have you ever met anyone that has a bedbug bite? have you ever encountered -- >> my friend said he did. he goes like this. looked like a shark. is that a bedbug bite? i've seen pictures on the internet. they zoom in. rrrgh! no chance. how do people go -- i had them the first two nights. two? why didn't you scream running down the street the second night? hey, guys, i'm back, here we go. you're going to get eaten again? >> jimmy: it's your safest possible place in your bed. yet i am paranoid did. >> that kind of stuff, yet i never met anyone in real life who had a bedbug -- >> i think my friend's trying to sound cool or gross. >> jimmy: if i get any wound i assume it's a bedbug. but it's usually a mosquito or something like that. >> no, but the one thing that happened on the road that was
my luggage got mixed up and i didn't have undergarments. it's hard to shop, you know? luckily there's a macy's in every town. i go to this and i went to get, you know, underwear, whatever. i don't want to ask. also there's people from the town. you're like 8% more famous if you go out of town. which is good. >> jimmy: right. >> people want a selfie, and it's a quick head lock now. it's a science. it's over, it's already over, it's already over. i'm finding i don't look good from eight inches away. from the data i've gotten. i go in and this older black guy's there, can i help you? i go, no. because i don't want to ask. i'm there two hours. i'll be inlamps. i don't want to ask where underwear is. i figure i'll find it if i stay at the walls. he goes, you lost? i go, all right, come here, i need the underwear.
i go, no one said that. now they follow me. he goes, where's the underpants! he puts me to some wall of calvin klein. i pick up one. he goes, are those the underpants you like! i'm like, it's just a random sample. the tight ones that hug your leg! you show up eggplant friday! i go, i don't know what you're saying. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: eggplant friday? >> then i have to buy socks. the socks -- i guess i haven't bought them for a while. they say fit sizes 6 to 13, which is a wide net, you know? >> jimmy: it is, yeah. >> they haven't figured that out yet? just give me my size. i know where i fall, on the lower side. i'm glad they don't sell condoms like that. [ laughter ]
i know where i fall on that one too. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you are -- first of all, i want to mention you and ray romano, who's great, you're doing a show together in las vegas, mirage. secondly, you have a film coming out on netflix with adam sandler. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: called "eggplant friday"? >> no, "the do-over." that's a big one, memorial day. >> jimmy: and i don't want to embarrass you but you've been getting really great notices, reviews for your -- >> oh, jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: david did a movie, very out of character, it's a drama. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you played a serious role. >> yes. >> jimmy: and it's very -- you've never done this before, have you? >> it's solid acting. there's a little bit of -- there's a little bitty amount of buzz about it. >> jimmy: there is some buzz. >> it's awards season. so i decided to take a hard swing at it. >> jimmy: you know all the awards, it is awards season but the awards have been -- >> >> right, i don't understand. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah.
>> no, there's a preview. and i haven't seen it yet, i'm excited. >> no one has seen this. david spade takes a dramatic turn. >> i am so lucky to have you. >> i'm the lucky one. >> have fun tonight. i look at myself but i see nothing. >> you feel a million miles away. >> huh? >> let me help you. let me be there for you. i love you. >> love you too. >> [ bleep ] you! i'm sorry! good-bye! no! >> i can't stay here and watch
>> no! >> i don't need help, i need more pills! when will you get that? wahh! what the [ bleep ] is going on with me? >> in there, honey? >> i'm brushing my teeth! no i'm not! no i'm not! >> you're not yourself anymore. >> who even is myself? >> you have to choose, it's me or the pills! >> the pills. >> oscar, there you are. oscar! i need you, oscar.
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>> jimmy: still to come, mashup monday, music from panic at the sisqo. our next guest is the dancer all the stars want to paso their dobles. he is one half of the cutest brother-sister teams since donny and marie, and on sunday night, he hosts "the wonderful world of disney: disneyland 60" here on abc.
>> jimmy: it's good to see you. i was thinking about you today. you're kind nerve a way like the tom brady of "dancing with the stars." in that you've won so many -- how many times have you won now? >> six times. [ cheers and applause ] no rings, though. >> jimmy: though must result in the other professional dancers despising you, yes? >> i don't know. if they do they hide it well. we all get along pretty good. >> jimmy: you do get along pretty well. the mirror ball trophy. is that junk? or is that like -- [ laughter ] >> funny, because you think you do all that hard work and get this disco ball trophy and you're thinking, okay, thanks. you
know? now it's like, when you come over to the house, people come over and they're like, there it is, the disco ball trophy! >> jimmy: it's famous now. is it like -- i used to be a deejay at weddings and i had a disco ball i traveled with. and it was a piece of styrofoam. it was just a styrofoam sphere with little pieces of glass glued to it. >> it's pretty much the same, yeah.
they put some weight in it over the years to make it feel more expensive. >> jimmy: i'm glad. >> i think it's the
same. it's actually funny. dancing with my partner, i'm like don't worry about it, if it doesn't go well i'll make you one. don't worry. go to the hardware store, don't worry about it. >> jimmy: do you hear the stars want you to be their dance partner? i tell you, i gamble on this every year. >> right, yeah, i hear, yeah. >> jimmy: i have won with you. i always give extra consideration to the celebrity that dances with you. i feel like a lot of the times the people are calling in vote aring for you, they don't care who you're dancing with. >> for those that do, thank you, if that's what you do. [ cheers and applause ] i don't know, honestly, it is hit or miss. you never know. there's so many different thins that come into play with the show. not just the dancing. personalities, the story, the journey. >> jimmy: yeah, that's all [ bleep ], right?
>> the girls want you to win because they like you. [ cheers and applause ] >> i don't know. >> jimmy: do they -- do people say, will dance on the show only if derek is my partner? >> i don't know. they don't let me know if that's the case. >> jimmy: do you go through the stars -- >> they'll say that. if i dance with somebody they'll say, i was hoping for you. >> jimmy: they may be hoping but demanding? >> in the past, earlier seasons, like "i didn't want you, i wanted somebody else." and i was like, oh, thanks. >> jimmy: who were some of the ones -- >> i can't remember, it was earlier -- >> jimmy: that seems convenient. >> yeah, yeah. i've blocked them out of my memory forever. but it was funny. it made me want to earn my right to be on the show. you didn't want me? i'm going to make you want me by the end of the show. in a distancing sense. >> jimmy: not just in a dancing sense. you have been -- openly dated at least a couple, and secretly dated probably another eight or
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what is it that puts them under your spell, under the derek hough spell? is it that your personality or is it just the grinding of your bodies together? >> the grinding. >> jimmy: it's the grinding. >> no, it's -- i mean, you're in close proximity. you know, you're just spending so much time together. you get to know each other. >> jimmy: you're dry humping each other to music, in a way, yeah? yes? yes. >> yes, some people go like, oh my gosh, how do you not get all like -- when you're dancing. honestly, you get like a little desensitized. this becomes the norm. >> jimmy: do you dance like that with your sister julianne who's also a dancer? >> no, absolutely not. >> jimmy: ah, there we go! that's all we need to know. >> by the way, when i was growing up my parents were like, why don't you and your sister dance together?
the entire purpose of why i'm dancing. >> jimmy: i'm getting beat up at school so i can have these girls! >> yeah, exactly. no i'm not going to dance with her, absolutely not. >> jimmy: you're hosting this 60th anniversary of disneyland. was that fun? >> incredible. disney knows how to do it right. you know, i was able to emcee this amazing evening. dame helen mirren, harrison ford, sir elton john, amazingeing performances. it was incredible, man. >> jimmy: you shot hike in the middle of the night in disneyland? >> we did, this big opening number with thousands of people and the parade. but we were there like 3:00 in the morning. i'm sitting there. i'm thinking like, when i was a kid i was here and i was like, this is the most magical place on effort. here i am, i have the whole park to myself. it was really special. i got to go on cool little tours. they showed me secret things nobody really knows. >> jimmy: what doesn't anybody know? >> they don't know a lot. >> jimmy: do they swear you --
>> jimmy: is it true that feral cats run the park at night? >> well, cats do. they do. >> jimmy: for real? >> i saw at least ten cats throughout the night, i swear. it's not a lie. giant mouse. [ laughter ] >> they can never catch them. >> jimmy: very good to see you. it's the wonderful world of disneyland, disneyland's 60th, sunday night 8:00 on abc. derek hough, everybody. be right back with pan i guess at the sisqo! >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live
panic! at the sisqo! ooh that dress so scandalous and you know another man couldn't handle it see you shaking that thang like who's da ish with a look in you eye so devilish uh you like to dance at all the hip hop spots and you cruise to the crews like connect da dots not just urban she likes the pop cause she was living la vida loca she had dumps like a truck truck truck thighs like what what what baby move your butt butt butt i think to sing it again she had dumps like a truck truck truck thighs like what what what all night long let me see that
thong i like it when the beat goes da na da na baby make your booty go da na da na girl i know you wanna show da na da na that thong th thong thong thong girl i know you wanna show da na da na that thong th thong thong thong that girl so scandalous and i know another
and she shaking that thang like who's da ish with a look in her eye so devilish uh she like
to dance at all the hip hop spots and she cruise to the crews like connect the dots not just urban she likes the pop cuz she was living la vida loca she had dumps like a truck truck truck thighs like what what what baby move your butt butt butt i think to sing it again she had dumps like a truck truck truck thighs like what what what all night long let me see that thong come on come on come on i like it when the beat goes da na da na baby make your booty go da na da na girl i know you wanna i like it when the beat goes da na da na girl i know you wanna show da na da na i like it i like it yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah this is "nightline." >> tonight, liar, liar, liar. escalation, the race for president getting even nastier and more chaotic. >> single worst liar i've ever seen. >> from schoolyard taunts to family feuds as jeb bush brings out his brother, the former president. >> in my experience, the strongest person usually isn't the loudest one in the room. >> the world trade center came down during his reign, so -- >> add into this combustible mix the sudden death of a supreme court justice. and an epic battle looming over how and when -- >> i do not believe the president should appoint
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