tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 16, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
>> whoo! >> cubs win again, what a season for the cubs, will they be lucky enough to end their 100-year championship draught? >> stephen: yes, they will. as long as i keep rubbing my lucky horseshoe, rubbing my my lucky three-legged rabbit. and keep rubbing my lucky three chicago cubs. come on, fellas! it's rubbing time! whooo! whooo! we're going to do it! whooo! whooo! >> tonight, stephen welcomes
featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert!" ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thanks, everybody! thank you so much. thank you, my friend. ( cheers and applause ) hey! nice to see you. hey, kris. welcome to the "late show," everybody. that's all for tonight. welcome to the late show, i'm stephen colbert, your host for
i want to just thank jake arrieta, kris brient and anthony rizzo from the chicago cubs for doing that cold open. ( cheers and applause ) good luck, fellas. and for allowing me to rub their bodies. ( laughter ) very fit, very fit. and you can see those guys in baseball's all-star game tomorrow night on another network, that is fox. ( laughter ) see' let's see, what happened? i'm wearing new glasses. ( cheers and applause ) there you go. that's kind of a big story. kind of a big story. and we were on vacation. and when you go away, you always worry, did i leave the oven on? did i lock the back door? will the country i love appear to unravel live in front of my
it was a very, very rough, just tough week last week. and i don't think there's anyone, really in america, who is not feeling terrible about it right now. and i'm not sure that there is anything that i could say that could approach the enormity and complexity of the multiple tragedies that happened last week. so i'm not going to try right now. but if you would like to see something beautiful, one of our social media producers, heben nigatu s a #carefreeblackkids2k16. here's an example of some of it. it is really great, they're really beautiful, it will make you smile to see these children happy. so check it out. and you know what, add your own. all right? what else is happening? what else is happening in the world, oh, anybody here playing pokemon go? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: for those of you who
>> jon: no, a friend of mine actually showed it to me. >> stephen: it's cool, isn't it? >> jon: i like it, but you have to move a lot. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you do, you have to move when you do it. >> jon: when i was coming up, we had cards. i used to trade the cards. with the shiny part on the cards. >> stephen: when i was a child we had cards too and we played things like go fish. a different type of cards, slightly older than you are. slightly. did you play a lot of pokemon? >> jon: i did, i liked the i used to watch the show. pikachu. >> stephen: yeah. i think you might be a pokemon, i think you might be-- anyway, for those of you that don't know, this new thing, it is a video game where you walk around and you look at your phone which is using its camera, and you look at your phone and in the real world, you see little pokemon like this fella sitting on a rock in central park.
way people almost get hit by cars staring at their phones. ( laughter ) it's-- true, based on a true story. it's called augmented reality because right now anything is better than actual reality. ( applause ) as jon was saying-- that's true. ( cheers and applause ) now as jon was saying, you have to be walking to use the app, meaning developers have now done the impossible. designed a game that you cannot play on the toilet. ( laughter ) while pokemon go is getting people excited, it is also causing some users to complain about fatigue and sore legs. okay, pokemon players, do not be alarmed, that is a symptom of a condition known as walking. and it is curable. it is curable.
everybody is playing it, in all the media. and i want in on the pokemania right now. so tonight-- ( cheers and applause ) yeah, we're all applauding and thank you for applauding something, you don't even know what i am going to say. we're introducing tonight our own collectible creatures right here on the late show. of course pokemon is short for pocket monsters. so we're calling ours trob gobs, which is short for trouser goblins. ( laughter ) trouser goblin, trob gobs. now where does the "b" in trob come from, you're asking, it's trouser, why trob, well, the b is from goblins, it just comes early. you don't get it from the second word, you put it in the first word and then again it appears in the goblin later. it also might be a mixture of trouser and throb, i'm not entirely sure. whatever it is, keep your eyes peeled during this show all week because we will have hidden appearances from all your
prawnquistador and gimpapotamus. everybody loves gimpapotamus, very popular. >> jon: that is a classic, favorite. >> stephen: got to catch them all, got to catch them all. ( cheers and applause ) now if you spot one on the show, take a screen shot and tweet it at me with the hashtag #trobgobs. who knows, maybe something will happen if you t know, we just started. hey, here's something that happened. last tuesday, the f.b.i. issued its review of hillary clinton's use of private e-mail server. and the big headline is hillary will not be indicted. but she might-- yeah, hold off. she might be embarrassed because she was slightly caught with her hand in the, you know, stretching-- she lied. she lied a lot.
to the state department. but the f.b.i. said yes, that's true except for the thousands you didn't. ( laughter ) she also claimed repeatedly over the last year that she never e- mailed any classified material, but the f.b.i. said, and i quote, "yay huh." and there are, there is like a list, like ten things she said she did or didn't do, that she didn't or did do. and at this point i don't know if any i mean after all, was she lying when she said this? secretary clinton, thank you so much for talking to me today. >> it's great to be here with you. ( laughter ). >> stephen: was it? was it great to be here with me? i find that hard to believe. but you know what, maybe she can unify the country through her dishonesty. after all, the people who hate her say she's always lying. while her supporters say she's
but you know who i believe can unify this country? jon batiste and stay human, everybody. say hi! ( applause ). ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: hey. so honestly, jon, wh >> jon: i really like them. you got a good vibe with them. >> stephen: really? what is the vibe, does it make me seem smarter. does it make me seem younger? what is the vibe? and there's no right answer, jon, you can be honest. what is the vibe? >> jon: yeah, the vibe is it matches your hair. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's not a vibe. >> jon: that's a good vibe. you don't see that all the time.
and then when you got it happening like that, it changes your vibe. >> stephen: okay. my last glasses had no frames. >> jon: right. >> stephen: so to match i would have had to have shaved my head. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: this is much easier. before we go any further i want to take a second here, are we doing it over here? we were just talking about hillary clinton and you know, having some fun with the idea that she wasn't honest. but i just want to revisit that for one second.ca have, you know, not necessarily told the truth about what her e- mail server, where it was, how it was used, whether it could be hacked, any of that stuff, i think we have to understand, if i'm honest with myself, that secretary clinton only used that private server because she knew her political enemies would put her entire life under a microscope, as they always have, the last 25 years. and i mean, it's natural to expect that she would want to protect-- you know what,
? ? ? >> stephen: round one, ding ding. ? ? ? secretary clinton, you are so untrustworthy that beyonce is working on a concept album about you. come on! come on, hillary. you knew that people think you're untrustworthy and then you did something untrustworthy? that's like richard gere going to the pet store and hovering around the gerbil aisle. okay. you look so shady right now that fifa wants to hire you. secretary clinton, secretary clinton, you're so reckless on the internet that a.o.l. has asked for its 43 hours back. i mean, top secret?
allowed to handle pop secret. i wouldn't trust you with secret deodorant. secretary clinton, you lied so much that kids are now chanting "liar, liar, pantsuit on fire." you're so bad i can't believe you are so bad at running for president that i almost remembered who martin o'malley is. since you are obviously bad at lying, let me show you how to do it. i trust hillary clinton. you were so vulnerable to hackers, you might want to check your e-mail servers for fortune cookies because i am guessing there has been a lot of chinese takeout. you're so bad at running for president, that the only person you could beat is donald trump. ( laughter ) yeah!
? ? ? >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. welcome back, everybody, my first guest tonight is an emmy and tony award-winning star of stage and screen and for the record he is also an excellent disco roller skater, please welcome america's sweetheart, bryan cranston. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ?
>> thank you. this is a beautiful theater. >> stephen: isn't it beautiful. >> just gorgeous. >> stephen: i can't believe how lucky we are be to in this beautiful theater. >> did you get rid of all the ghosts though? >> stephen: oh no, no, no. they're all union, you can't get rid of them. >> that's a good ghost job. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> you too, man. >> stephen: did you get any time off, we took a week off, does bryan cranston ever get time off? >> yeah, a little bit. i have a little beach house in california and there is a beautiful little community up there that we live in. and we have a chili cook-off and the kids paint their faces and ride down the one street, you know, and guys on stilts. >> stephen: norman rockwell paints portraits every day. >> exactly. >> stephen: for the fourth, do you do, are you allowed to have fireworks or anything like that bus i'm from south carolina which is like, you know, hey, come blow your fingers off,
actually. it sounds better in latin. >> it fits perfectly on the license plate. the first year that we bought this little place i wanted to extend a thank you to my neighbors who were so kind. and the fourth of july was coming up. and i thought i am going to buy and secretly ship to california $700 worth of fireworks. >> stephen: where did you get them? >> i bought them in new mexico when i was doing this show called "breaki." >> stephen: i have heard of it. ( cheers and applause ). you gave me the scary look there. that's the look. there it is, okay. uh-huh. >> so i smuggled it into california and i thought, during our chili cook-off, i forgot to tell the rest of the folks, hey we're having fireworks. come on over or see them from the patio. they will see them anyway. so i was setting up, my whole thing. i got the punk light, you know,
the chairs. and i said i'm going to wait until it gets dark. it gets dark. i heard there were some other fireworks so i will just alternate. i don't want to take over the show. so i light one. "eee-- poot." ( laughter ) all right-- (whistling) bing. ee, it's like oh, down the road they start their fireworks. boom, boom, boom! i mean real fireworks. they must have spent $20,000 on the fireworks. so my family is left to just ridicule me. and just laugh and say come on, bryan, light some more, light some more. >> stephen: they have good-- some of them have really great names for the fireworks like where i come from, they all have like civil war connotations like the bundles of fireworks you might buy say dixie's revenge or
or the battle of fort sumter, this time we win. did you do anything else to celebrate like-- ? >> we also have a beach games. which is so much fun. where kids and adults get a team together and they, there is a swim, there is a paddle. >> stephen: like an ironman? >> a kayak. and there is rolling a huge beach ball down. it's fun. >> stephen: i think this is what the-- >> what the forefathers did? >> stephen: no, the navy seals. >> and then the navy seals also contest. powering through that. and i was the anchor leg on my team. we assembled a team of my daughter and niece and her friend called masters of stupidity. and i do want to go on record to say we weren't amateurs at stupidity. >> stephen: sure, sure. you put a lot of training into it. >> yes. so i grabbed the board, it's a
to paddle around a buoy and come back. i'm going like crazy. i just recently found out i have arthritis in both shoulders as i'm going out there, i'm going why! why? it's so painful! >> stephen: but you have to put up with it. >> you've got to go. it's so painful. i know why i didn't think of this. are you going to paddle out there. yeah, yeah, so i'm paddling out there, and i'm in such pain and i look up and i see this wave come at me. and it's like oh no. so i'm preparing to dive under the wave but i had this surfboard which i didn't leash because there is no time in a race. and so i dive under with the surfboard, surfboard goes flying. nearly hits a couple kids. and they're looking at me like, really? that's what you brought to the picnic here, really? so we came in last place. >> stephen: oh. >> and we retained our title of masters of stupidity.
( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: congratulations. sorry to hear about your shoulders, though. anything that can be done for that? >> amputee. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> i could just-- no, it's just- - 60 years old. >> stephen: you just celebrated your 60th birthday. >> i did. >> stephen: wow, great. ( cheers and applause ) are you embracing the 60-ness of being 60? you look fantastic for 60. >> you think so. >> stephen: for any age. but for 60. >> i'm embracing it. i have realized that once you hit 60, you want to do everything that you didn't want to do when you were younger. take a nap. take a bath. you know. >> stephen: "i'm the one who knocks" has become "i'm the one who naps." >> a little sleepy eyed. >> stephen: is bathing and old thing to do because i love bathing. am i old because i like to bathe? ( laughter ) i didn't realize that--
>> i would say it takes more time, so it is luxurious, right. and if you have time to luxuriate, you know, what are you not doing? i don't know, i was raised, you know, work, work, work, working class mentality, get in the shower, get out of the shower, let's go. >> stephen: in the new movie "the infiltrator" you are playing a real person named robert mazur, right? and this is a guy who infiltrates, is it the colombian cartel? >>t' >> stephen: and this guy was taking his life in his hands. >> yeah, he was an undercover police officer with customs. and for two and a half years he went undercover laundering money for the medellin cartel. actually having to do that crime in order to get deeper and deeper connected to the cartel. and once they got up as high as pablo escobar's lawyer, and the other thing that they did that was so effective is that it
bank in the world at the time, b.c.c.i. do you remember that? >> stephen: nope. >> okay. well, you're not 60. ( laughter ) because i remember. >> stephen: i remember now, yeah. >> i need to get one of those horns, you know. and it's amazing-- . >> stephen: one of the biggest drug busts of all time. >> one of the biggest drug busts. 85 arrests within two hours. and it really took a dent out of the medellin cartel. what really fascinated me about mazur's story is that he was undercover in the tampa bay area. and he also lived in tampa. so he would check out, finish for the day being this undercover bad guy, and go home and be bob mazur who was a dad and a father and helped the kids with homework, take out the trash and do normal things. >> stephen: did you meet him? >> oh yeah, in fact, he's here.
he's here. i can't point him out. his safety is paramount. >> stephen: still? >> oh yeah, yeah. >> stephen: almost 30 years ago. >> he won't allow himself to be photographed or videotaped or anything like that because he put 85 bad guys in jail. and they don't forget. >> stephen: he's in danger all the time. >> there is a certain amount of danger. he hides in public. >> stephen: are we in danger because he's here now. >> we're at a red level. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we have a clip here where the deal that he is making with the colombian cartel is in a little bit of a hiccup because all the funds have been frozen by the reagan administration. >> that's right. >> stephen: and your character cannot actually give them their money back and that's a problem. >> that's right. i need to return this money to them or else it is not good news for bob mazur. >> stephen: jim. >> the $10 million is frozen which is actually pablo escobar's money and he doesn't
he wants his money and it's not going to be over until they give it. >> the senate investigation into noriega, you are not getting the money that went through panama, frozen is frozen. accept it. >> it's (no audio) our operation. >> we need you to fix this for us. >> how am i going to fix this? >> want me to call sam? >> john, could you drop your investigation that the president sanctioned because my friend bob's getting really upset. reagan wants noriega's ass. are you listening? >> you know what he said, that's alive, my friend, okay? >> what did you say that for? >> did he threaten you? >> no. >> did he put your neck in the noose. >> no, and he squeezed it. >> no, he didn't, roberto didn't say that, we said that with its- - >> it's escobar. >> wait a second, bob, are you in danger from pablo escobar if his money doesn't come through?
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're we're here with our friend bryan cranston. now bryan, i don't know if it's any secret that i'm one of your biggest fans, you're one of my favori actors, and one of the things i often play complex, multifaceted characters like walter white or donald trumbo or robert mazur in the new movie "the infiltrator." >> thank you. >> stephen: and i just love the subtlety and complexity by which you reveal things. >> thank you for saying that, i have been very fortunate to play these complex characters and i love how they subtly reveal themselves to the audience. >> stephen: of course i think the test of a great actor is can
kind of like walks in and awkwardly announces his entire back story. ( laughter ) do you think you could handle something like that? >> i think i was born thinking i could-- i can handle that. >> stephen: well, that's great to hear. that's great to hear. ( cheers and applause ) >> why is that? >> stephen: why? why is that? i will tell you why that is. because this is "the late show presents too much exposition theatre." >> the late show presents too much exposition theatre. ( cheers and applause ) ( knocking ) >> stephen: what's this? i haven't had a visitor since being betrayed by my devious half brother bertram chevaliers. whose chorus girl mother had a
marrakesh. ( organ music ) >> hello, it is i bertram chevalier. dear, despicable half-brother of heathcliff sharmopoulos. and as you know, i ran off to cairo with your ex-mistress beatrice longfeather who you abandoned in that mineshaft in budapest. >> stephen: i had no choice after the two of you pistol mctavish and convinced his stepdaughter audrey to join that hungarian nunnery. >> well, audrey had nary a choice after contracting malaria on the canoe trip to sicily and losing her rare stamp collection in that illegal subterranean poker game. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i trust that you refer to the same poker game in which our third cousin lucretia threw her glass eye at that
>> she had to distract him, lest he find out about your deadly bee allergy, which kept you from asking the hand of audrey mctavish. >> stephen: the aforementioned beekeeper's daughter. >> yes. after she left, you fell into deep despair, from which you are just now only becoming to see a glimmer of hope. hope, that was crushed the door. >> stephen: well, let's cut this bit of casual but very informative chit-chattery. tell me, what brings you here? are you finally going to assert your right to the dukedom to fund your opium ring in kafiristan? >> nay, nay, i say nay. ( laughter ) >> stephen: are you man or a horse? >> nay. i just came to return your
( organ music ) >> stephen: oh. >> there you are. >> stephen: thanks, much, when did you borrow this? >> let me see, i can't really remember. >> stephen: oh, all right. okay, bye. >> bye. >> stephen: all right. wait! come back. there's something you should know. >> what is that? >> stephen: look over there. >> yes. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) oh, much better. >> stephen: "the infiltrator," a film which stars bryan cranston is in theaters this wednesday. >> yes, it is. >> stephen: bryan cranston, everyone. we'll be right back with busy philipps. ( cheers and applause )
? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey. welcome back, everybody. you know my next guest from her roles on "freaks and geeks," "dawson's creek" and "cougartown," she now stars in the new comedy, "vice principals." >> hello, gale, ray. >> you're late. run, you missed it. >> actually i saw it when i was walking up what about yourself? hey, janelle, good job, baby, whoo! good job. >> keep your heels down, babes. >> keep your heels however you want, janelle, focus on yourself, not on negative people trying to get in your life to tell you how to do things. so i got the principal job today. >> cool. >> you go ahead and admit it. my success enrages you. >> i actually don't care at all. >> you don't care, sure you don't care. of course you are care. >> you're right, neil, i'm
about you. >> stephen: please welcome busy philipps. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> so good to see you again. thank you. >> hi! hey. >> stephen: hi. >> so nice to see you. >> stephen: nice so see you again. now the thing is we met a couple of times, we have actually hung out. we partied. >> last week, we hung out. >> stephen: you and your lovely husband mark. >> yes, that's true. >> stephen: we met at a mutual friend's beach house. >> i feel like people are like what, they know each other, how are they friends? >> stephen: we kind of know each other because we have mutual friends. you have shown up a couple of times at a party have i been at. >> that's true. >> stephen: we've kind of gravitated to each other and drank a fair amount of win together. >> you and my husband really like each other which is not uncommon. he is my better half and people really enjoy his company, as do i. but yes, we loved ourose
every time i'm with you, we drink this, some rose wine together. no, this is, so i thought maybe- - tonight ( applause ) >> you got. >> stephen: would you like. >> yes. >> stephen: would you like a little bit of this? >> it is an brad and angelina's rose. >> stephen: yes, you informed me that this wine is made by brad and angelina-- >> it is really good. you can buy it at whole foods. it's everything you want in a rose. >> stephen: and it's made from the tears of less attractive people. ( laughter ) there you go. chrs thanks for having me. >> stephen: oh. >> it so nice, you guys. >> stephen: it's like i'm back on the island. >> i know. >> stephen: so what are you doing, you are on vacation, i happen to know are you in the middle of a month long vacation. >> okay so "vice principals" is the show we're all very excited about, danny mcbride's new show that starts airing on hbo. ( applause ) on the 17th of july. we shot it in charleston. >> stephen: i know, i was so excited to find out something
shot two seasons, 18 episodes consecutively, all at one time so we were there for about eight months. >> stephen: 18 shows. >> 18 episodes, yeah. >> stephen: we do 202 of them a year. >> i know. >> stephen: 18, are you okay? are you okay? do you need some more wine? >> it was hard, stephen. >> stephen: i know, it's hard. you have to live in charleston, south carolina, and be in show business, sounds really hard. >> here's the thing, normally i feel like actors complain about having to travel for their job. we all fell completely in love with charleston. >> stephen: it's the greatest city in the world. >> yes, and if you don't know there are all these beaches and outer lying sort of islands that you can get houses on. so we all got houses on the same island and when we weren't working, it was kind of just like summer camp and we would hang out. and we had like the most magical summer of our lives. and i have two young daughters. and they fell in love with the town, made local friends. and so i said, "girls, let's just go back for a month next summer and have vacation there." >> stephen: not just you, other
>> so then i put the word out and then danny mcbride and his wife got a house again. and one of our producers. and then one of our-- it was just that it was just like we were getting the gang back together. >> stephen: can i say your children's names, is that kosher? >> yeah, of course. >> stephen: cricket and-- help me out. >> birdie. >> stephen: birdie. i love your children's names. the most adorable girls. >> thank you. i know, sometimes i get flak for their names being unusual but then i am like my name is busy, so what are you going to-- what, am i going to name her lucy. >>en >> richard scarry. i have them all, i love that. >> stephen: did you think maybe it was about you as a child? >> no, but i did think little miss busy, you know those little miss books. >> stephen: nope. >> or little miss happy or little miss-- they're nodding, they know, stephen. i thought that little miss busy was about me when i was a little girl. it wasn't. >> stephen: is your name actually busy? >> my name, my given name is elizabeth. and my parents started calling
time i'm four months old. they've just changed it to busy and then i never legally changed my name so it does get a little confusing when i'm flying and people book airline tickets for me under busy philipps and i get to the airport and we have to go through a whole kerfuffle. >> stephen: you just go i'm in show business. >> it's my stage name. it's not, i should do it, i should legally change my name, you guys. because i feel-- ( cheers and applause ) mae legally change it. >> stephen: you just legally changed it. if you say it on a late night talk show your name is legally changed. no going back now. >> is it a legal alias. >> stephen: i'm sometimes samson dolemite. >> really? did you just give away your alias for when you stay in hotels? you're going to have to change it. >> stephen: right? that's not it at all. by the way, the show is great. "vice principals." >> thank you. >> stephen: did you have any problem with authority figures in your school, like with your vice principal? >> yeah, my vice principal hated me. hated me.
graduated quite awhile ago and it's still to this day haunts me. she really didn't like me. and she didn't want me to graduate. she accused me of cheating. she-- . >> stephen: did you cheat? >> i swear to you, here are two things about me, stephen, that, we hung out a bit but you might not know this. i do not cheat and i have never stolen anything in my life. ( applause ) i mean i don't know if that's-- i don't know if we should applaud that. i feel like that's just-- . >> stephen: you got applause for not being a thief. taken-- i feel really, i have this-- . >> stephen: i stole this. >> you didn't. >> stephen: well, cheers, congratulations on the new show. see you back down in charleston, busy philipps, everybody. "vice principals" premiers on hbo this sunday. now don't go away. we have a performance coming up by blink 182. their new album just hit number one on the billboard charts. we'll be right back. cheers. ( cheers and applause )
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